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Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings
Bestselling author and pediatrician Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg provides important insights for parents and caregivers with this fully revised and updated fourth edition of his award winning book, Building Resilience in Children and Teens. This edition includes new information how strength-based relationships are critical to healthy development, especially for children who have endured toxic stress, adverse childhood events or experiences (ACEs), or trauma. Dr. Ginsburg outlines his seven crucial “Cs”—competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control—and teaches moms and dads how to incorporate these concepts into their parenting. Building Resilience in Children and Teens also presents detailed coping strategies to help children and teenagers deal with the stresses of academic pressure, high achievement standards, media messages, peer pressure, or family tension.
418 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 26, 2020
237 people are currently reading
1242 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews
March 19, 2015
"If we want our children to experience the world as fully as possible-unfortunately with all its pain, and thankfully with all its joy-our goal will have to be resilience. Resilience is the capacity to rise above difficult circumstances, the trait that allows us to exist in this less-than-perfect world while moving forward with optimism and confidence even in the midst of adversity.
Resilience is not invulnerability, not perfection, not isolation from all risk. Resilience is the trait that parents hope to develop in children so they will be equipped to navigate a stressful, complicated world while relishing its abundant pleasures. Resilience is not a trait of '"perfect"' people. Perfectionists fear making any mistakes. They perform well but don't take chances to perform their very best. Resilient people are more successful because they push their limits and learn from their mistakes. Resilience may be a core factor in determining not only who will adapt, but who will thrive."
Resilience is not invulnerability, not perfection, not isolation from all risk. Resilience is the trait that parents hope to develop in children so they will be equipped to navigate a stressful, complicated world while relishing its abundant pleasures. Resilience is not a trait of '"perfect"' people. Perfectionists fear making any mistakes. They perform well but don't take chances to perform their very best. Resilient people are more successful because they push their limits and learn from their mistakes. Resilience may be a core factor in determining not only who will adapt, but who will thrive."
October 8, 2022
If you are looking for an entertaining parenting book this isn't it - but if you are looking for a great overview of dozens of different parenting tools to help you raise children into resilient adults and some examples of how to apply the tools, this is a great choice. Some of these tools I was already familiar with, but always good to have a reminder or refresher, and many of the tools were new to me. This is my new favorite parenting book for teens and tweens. I wish I would have read it when my oldest first hit 10, and I plan to refer to this regularly over the next several years as my youngers move thru their teen years. I highly recommend it to anyone parenting a tween or teen.
September 12, 2015
well, I personally could have done without the rape apologist and victim-blaming bullshit on page 99. just lost all respect for the author. I cannot finish this book.
June 12, 2018
Review for 2nd edition:
For some reason, I thought this book was written for parents and teachers (the cover makes no such claim, but I guess I made the assumption based on the fact that the friend who I got it from is a teacher, and not a parent). The author says that the first edition was exclusively for parents, but in this one has a few points at which he addresses other groups, such as teachers, community programs, and even one chapter specifically to be read by children. Of course, there are many parenting techniques that can be applied to teaching as well, and I might one day decide to have children, so the book wasn’t completely irrelative to me. I did skip over the parts for military families (pp. 161-190) and the “Just for Kids” chapter (pp. 357-372).
I particularly liked the advice to give specific praise (e.g. “I’m so proud of you for wanting to try to ride your bicycle even after you fell” instead of just “I’m so proud of you!” or “Good job!”); making open-ended compliments about artwork (e.g. “This is a great picture! Can you tell me about it?” instead of guessing/assuming what they drew/sculpted/etc. and potentially being wrong); and first listening to the child’s whole explanation for why he/she is upset (instead of jumping in with comforts and/or solutions), and then further clarify the child’s story/emotions/reason for confiding in you (e.g. say something like “This is what I heard. Did I understand you correctly?”, “When something like that happened to me I felt like… Do you feel a little like that?”, “How can I be most helpful to you?”, or “How are you thinking about handling this?”). The 7 Crucial C’s (Competence, Confidence, Connection, Character, Contribution, Coping, and Control) are also a helpful way to break down considerations for discipline, enrolling in activities, encouragement, etc. and look at choices more specifically and intentionally.
There were a lot of approaches I was already aware of, but I’m not sure if that’s because as an ESL teacher I have discussions about early childhood development more regularly. And perhaps I had exceptional parents, because what he calls “a typical parent lecture” (p. 83) — “…behavior A, will very likely lead to consequence B. What were you thinking? And then consequence B will go on to consequence C, which almost always ends up with D happening! Look at me when I’m talking to you!!! ….here comes consequence E … consequence F, G, of H will happen. No matter what, we’re talking disaster! You might even die!” — did not sound typical to me at all. His paraphrasing of a frustrated parent of a drug-user — “Maybe you’re not ready to quit drugs because you have no motivation. You’re too lazy. How can I trust you, even if you say you’re going to quit? You’re such a liar. You’re really shaming your mother and me,” (p.122) — sounded equally alien to me, but perhaps in Ken Ginsburg’s line of work he encounters parents like this more regularly.
Overall, it didn’t feel very researched, except that he uses a lot of his personal experiences working in different schools and as a professor of pediatrics, and there were several described situations where he said the book couldn’t help and to consult a professional (which may be true and fair, but still sort of feels like a cop-out after the third, fourth, fifth time you say it). Books like this all tend to be a bit repetitive to some degree, but this one felt more so (in some places he gives summarizing bullets at the beginning and at the end of the chapter, or again in a later chapter), and just felt a little long for what I got from it. But of all the insight offered, I think the best one (and, ironically, probably the most common-sense), is that building resilience with a child starts with building (and therefore modeling) resilience in the parent (or teacher). Before you can expect the child to employ good coping habits, avoid negative influences, not get defeated when they initially fail at something, etc.; there needs to be one or more adults in his/her life that demonstrate these things.
Although the book is a little dry and boring at times, I’d still say it’s a useful reference for anyone who wants some more insight on raising a child who is more likely to succeed at life (for a definition of succeeding at life, see chapter 8).
For some reason, I thought this book was written for parents and teachers (the cover makes no such claim, but I guess I made the assumption based on the fact that the friend who I got it from is a teacher, and not a parent). The author says that the first edition was exclusively for parents, but in this one has a few points at which he addresses other groups, such as teachers, community programs, and even one chapter specifically to be read by children. Of course, there are many parenting techniques that can be applied to teaching as well, and I might one day decide to have children, so the book wasn’t completely irrelative to me. I did skip over the parts for military families (pp. 161-190) and the “Just for Kids” chapter (pp. 357-372).
I particularly liked the advice to give specific praise (e.g. “I’m so proud of you for wanting to try to ride your bicycle even after you fell” instead of just “I’m so proud of you!” or “Good job!”); making open-ended compliments about artwork (e.g. “This is a great picture! Can you tell me about it?” instead of guessing/assuming what they drew/sculpted/etc. and potentially being wrong); and first listening to the child’s whole explanation for why he/she is upset (instead of jumping in with comforts and/or solutions), and then further clarify the child’s story/emotions/reason for confiding in you (e.g. say something like “This is what I heard. Did I understand you correctly?”, “When something like that happened to me I felt like… Do you feel a little like that?”, “How can I be most helpful to you?”, or “How are you thinking about handling this?”). The 7 Crucial C’s (Competence, Confidence, Connection, Character, Contribution, Coping, and Control) are also a helpful way to break down considerations for discipline, enrolling in activities, encouragement, etc. and look at choices more specifically and intentionally.
There were a lot of approaches I was already aware of, but I’m not sure if that’s because as an ESL teacher I have discussions about early childhood development more regularly. And perhaps I had exceptional parents, because what he calls “a typical parent lecture” (p. 83) — “…behavior A, will very likely lead to consequence B. What were you thinking? And then consequence B will go on to consequence C, which almost always ends up with D happening! Look at me when I’m talking to you!!! ….here comes consequence E … consequence F, G, of H will happen. No matter what, we’re talking disaster! You might even die!” — did not sound typical to me at all. His paraphrasing of a frustrated parent of a drug-user — “Maybe you’re not ready to quit drugs because you have no motivation. You’re too lazy. How can I trust you, even if you say you’re going to quit? You’re such a liar. You’re really shaming your mother and me,” (p.122) — sounded equally alien to me, but perhaps in Ken Ginsburg’s line of work he encounters parents like this more regularly.
Overall, it didn’t feel very researched, except that he uses a lot of his personal experiences working in different schools and as a professor of pediatrics, and there were several described situations where he said the book couldn’t help and to consult a professional (which may be true and fair, but still sort of feels like a cop-out after the third, fourth, fifth time you say it). Books like this all tend to be a bit repetitive to some degree, but this one felt more so (in some places he gives summarizing bullets at the beginning and at the end of the chapter, or again in a later chapter), and just felt a little long for what I got from it. But of all the insight offered, I think the best one (and, ironically, probably the most common-sense), is that building resilience with a child starts with building (and therefore modeling) resilience in the parent (or teacher). Before you can expect the child to employ good coping habits, avoid negative influences, not get defeated when they initially fail at something, etc.; there needs to be one or more adults in his/her life that demonstrate these things.
Although the book is a little dry and boring at times, I’d still say it’s a useful reference for anyone who wants some more insight on raising a child who is more likely to succeed at life (for a definition of succeeding at life, see chapter 8).
October 30, 2023
I wish I read this book 15 years ago when my kids were little. But of course, who has time to read a 370 page book when they are surrounded by their beloved little children all day? ;)
I’m glad I read this. I had to cling to “better late than never” often when I read this dense, but earnest and practical book. There are so many things I did wrong and didn’t know. Lots of grieve, but lots to repair and allowed to be made new. “Patience with a dose of optimism may be required.”
I’ve been trying new ways of relating to my older teen kids — more listening, less tips, more guidance, less control, more unconditional love, less fear.
I’m glad I read this. I had to cling to “better late than never” often when I read this dense, but earnest and practical book. There are so many things I did wrong and didn’t know. Lots of grieve, but lots to repair and allowed to be made new. “Patience with a dose of optimism may be required.”
I’ve been trying new ways of relating to my older teen kids — more listening, less tips, more guidance, less control, more unconditional love, less fear.
December 6, 2018
As a parent of tweens, I've found it hard to find good books regarding older children but this was a great find. It's a tad bit dry in the writing (which is why it took me so long to get through it) but the content was excellent. I love the 7 C's (competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control) and would add compassion to that. Probably one of the best takeaways from it is "children live up or down to our expectations of them." Highly recommend!
October 27, 2020
This was a great audiobook. I was a little apprehensive listening to this type of book, but it was refreshing. I want the physical copy now so I can go back through with a highlighter and sticky notes as well as having quick references to the valuable links mentioned. A great book for a parent, educator, or anyone interacting with children and teens.
August 23, 2022
Even the author admits that this book may be read as a listing of common sense parenting, especially for parents already in the trenches. This is much more of a survey of that common sense- sometimes plodding, but too informal to be strictly considered dry prose. I liked the section on coping, as I don't often see such specifics offered on dealing with stress.
July 8, 2020
This book is a wealth of information for parents and anyone who works with kids. I’ve read a lot about ACEs and trauma but wanted some concrete things that could help kids overcome negative things. The 7 C’s of resilience are helpful it not only for this but all kids.
August 8, 2020
A bit dry to read but has a lot of good input. Not just for raising kids but also to reflect on ones own life. I liked that it spans from toddler to teenager with easy to implement frameworks and approaches
April 20, 2021
Required
I was required to read this book for my Masters program. I found it informative, but rather repetitive. Having already raised my kids, it didn't provide me with much benefit.
I was required to read this book for my Masters program. I found it informative, but rather repetitive. Having already raised my kids, it didn't provide me with much benefit.
October 18, 2017
Helpful information and good to have on hand for reference even though I skimmed through many parts.
May 16, 2021
Comprehensive, with guidance for parents, teachers, and anyone who works with teens (and children to some extent).
As a Christian trying to unpack all the parenting advice I've read (I suppose you might say I'm "deconstructing" from bad Christian advice), I found this a refreshing perspective. It's not coercive, it's not manipulative, and it doesn't promise quick fixes.
As a Christian trying to unpack all the parenting advice I've read (I suppose you might say I'm "deconstructing" from bad Christian advice), I found this a refreshing perspective. It's not coercive, it's not manipulative, and it doesn't promise quick fixes.
December 1, 2021
Helpful tips for parenting in ways that can help raise resilient, capable, caring kids.
February 4, 2025
I enjoyed it, it showed me different perspectives in a structured manner.
March 10, 2013
Read this book for work and found all kinds of great little nuggets in it. This is definitely a book that I'll be coming back to after my little one is born. Lots of great examples of how to improve conversations with children and youth to really make them think and answer their own questions. I've actually already started to implement some of the techniques I learned here with people I interact with - trying to be a better listener and asking better questions. Must read for parents.
September 12, 2013
This is one of the best parenting books out there. I raised three children to adulthood before I read this but I wish this had been there to make me not feel so guilty for how I raised my kids! This book is given to Parent to Parent employees for the Military Child Education Coalition. It is EXCELLENT
February 13, 2014
This book is loong, and it took me a while to make it through. It's easy to read, but it's not compelling; however, the information inside is great. I have been more aware of how I listen to my children and how I respond to them. I hope that I can continue to improve these skills in our lives, even after I move on to another book.
April 3, 2013
This is one of the best parenting books I have read in a long time. It encompasses a lot of the information shared by leaders in the field and presents the information in an easy to digest manner. A must-read for parents.
March 1, 2023
Some insightful stuff, but as a parent to a teen I find myself wondering if I've made too many mistakes and that I'm too late to correct/modify my kiddo's perspective of himself. I find myself not want to finish the book for this very reason
June 20, 2012
Developing a child's resilience cannot be overemphasized or overvalued!
October 31, 2012
an excellent read for my teaching and my parenting self
not a fast read
but a meaningful one
tools to use with myself, my kids, and for families at work
highly recommended
not a fast read
but a meaningful one
tools to use with myself, my kids, and for families at work
highly recommended
June 17, 2013
Not a page-turner but a worthy read, especially for parents. Sadly, those who would most benefit from reading it probably won't.
March 16, 2013
Very interesting book. Slow read but puts together every parenting advice I've ever heard into one book and intertwines them. Recommended!
February 9, 2014
Excellent
June 2, 2014
This is an excellent reference for parents and educators. I'm confident I will dip back into it often.
June 3, 2015
So many great strategies.
March 11, 2016
Very helpful strategies.
January 18, 2016
Great topic, down to earth advice for both parents and pediatricians and others who work with kids.
May 13, 2016
This is an excellent resource as both a parent and a therapist.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews