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No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us
A NEW YORK TIMES TOP 10 BOOKS OF THE YEAR
Finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award in Nonfiction
NAMED ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS OF 2019 BY: Esquire , Amazon, Kirkus, Library Journal, Publishers Weekly, BookPage, BookRiot, Economist, New York Times Staff Critics
“A seminal and breathtaking account of why home is the most dangerous place to be a woman . . . A tour de force.” -Eve Ensler
"Terrifying, courageous reportage from our internal war zone." -Andrew Solomon
"Extraordinary." -New York Times ,“Editors' Choice”
“Gut-wrenching, required reading.” -Esquire
"Compulsively readable . . . It will save lives." -Washington Post
The book that changed the conversation about domestic violence-an award-winning journalist's intimate investigation of the abuse that happens behind closed doors, now with a new afterword by the author.
We call it domestic violence. We call it private violence. Sometimes we call it intimate terrorism. But whatever we call it, we generally do not believe it has anything at all to do with us, despite the World Health Organization deeming it a “global epidemic.” In America, domestic violence accounts for 15 percent of all violent crime, and yet it remains locked in silence, even as its tendrils reach unseen into so many of our most pressing national issues, from our economy to our education system, from mass shootings to mass incarceration to #MeToo. We still have not taken the true measure of this problem.
In No Visible Bruises, journalist Rachel Louise Snyder gives context for what we don't know we're seeing. She frames this urgent and immersive account of the scale of domestic violence in our country around key stories that explode the common myths-that if things were bad enough, victims would just leave; that a violent person cannot become nonviolent; that shelter is an adequate response; and most insidiously that violence inside the home is a private matter, sealed from the public sphere and disconnected from other forms of violence. Through the stories of victims, perpetrators, law enforcement, and reform movements from across the country, Snyder explores the real roots of private violence, its far-reaching consequences for society, and what it will take to truly address it.
Finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award in Nonfiction
NAMED ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS OF 2019 BY: Esquire , Amazon, Kirkus, Library Journal, Publishers Weekly, BookPage, BookRiot, Economist, New York Times Staff Critics
“A seminal and breathtaking account of why home is the most dangerous place to be a woman . . . A tour de force.” -Eve Ensler
"Terrifying, courageous reportage from our internal war zone." -Andrew Solomon
"Extraordinary." -New York Times ,“Editors' Choice”
“Gut-wrenching, required reading.” -Esquire
"Compulsively readable . . . It will save lives." -Washington Post
The book that changed the conversation about domestic violence-an award-winning journalist's intimate investigation of the abuse that happens behind closed doors, now with a new afterword by the author.
We call it domestic violence. We call it private violence. Sometimes we call it intimate terrorism. But whatever we call it, we generally do not believe it has anything at all to do with us, despite the World Health Organization deeming it a “global epidemic.” In America, domestic violence accounts for 15 percent of all violent crime, and yet it remains locked in silence, even as its tendrils reach unseen into so many of our most pressing national issues, from our economy to our education system, from mass shootings to mass incarceration to #MeToo. We still have not taken the true measure of this problem.
In No Visible Bruises, journalist Rachel Louise Snyder gives context for what we don't know we're seeing. She frames this urgent and immersive account of the scale of domestic violence in our country around key stories that explode the common myths-that if things were bad enough, victims would just leave; that a violent person cannot become nonviolent; that shelter is an adequate response; and most insidiously that violence inside the home is a private matter, sealed from the public sphere and disconnected from other forms of violence. Through the stories of victims, perpetrators, law enforcement, and reform movements from across the country, Snyder explores the real roots of private violence, its far-reaching consequences for society, and what it will take to truly address it.
320 pages, Paperback
First published May 7, 2019
1495 people are currently reading
24676 people want to read
About the author
Rachel Louise Snyder
6 books367 followersRachel Louise Snyder is the author of Fugitive Denim: A Moving Story of People and Pants in the Borderless World of Global Trade, the novel What We’ve Lost is Nothing, No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us and the forthcoming memoir Women We Buried, Women We Burned (May ’23), which will be excerpted in the New Yorker in April '23. Her work has appeared in the New Yorker, the New York Times magazine, the Washington Post and on NPR, and she was a 2021 Guggenheim Fellow. No Visible Bruises was awarded the 2018 Lukas Work-in-Progress Award, the 2020 Book Tube Prize, the 2020 New York Public Library’s Bernstein Award for Excellence in Journalism and the Sidney Hillman Book Award for social justice. It won Best Book in Translation in Taiwan in 2021 and has been translated into Russian, Mandarin, Korean, Japanese, Turkish, Spanish, Hungarian, and others. It received starred reviews from Kirkus, Book Riot and Publisher’s Weekly and was named one of the best books of 2019 by the Los Angeles Times, Esquire, Amazon, Kirkus, the Library Journal, the Economist, and BookPage; the New York Times included it in their “Top Ten” books of 2019. No Visible Bruises was also a finalist for the Kirkus Award, the National Book Critics Circle Award, the LA Times Book Award, and the Silver Gavel Award.
Over the past two decades, Snyder has traveled to sixty countries, covering stories of human rights, gender-based violence, natural disasters, displacement and war. She lived, for six years, in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, and two years in London before relocating to Washington, DC in 2009. Originally from Chicago, Snyder holds a B.A. from North Central College and an M.F.A. from Emerson College. Originally from Chicago, she has a joint appointment as a professor in journalism and literature at American University. Follow her on Twitter or Instagram: @rlswrites
Over the past two decades, Snyder has traveled to sixty countries, covering stories of human rights, gender-based violence, natural disasters, displacement and war. She lived, for six years, in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, and two years in London before relocating to Washington, DC in 2009. Originally from Chicago, Snyder holds a B.A. from North Central College and an M.F.A. from Emerson College. Originally from Chicago, she has a joint appointment as a professor in journalism and literature at American University. Follow her on Twitter or Instagram: @rlswrites
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,265 reviews
May 30, 2024
A (now former) Facebook friend posted a meme on his page a few weeks ago: a photo of an attractive young woman sighting down the barrel of a gun. The caption read "This stops rape. Not a whistle."
Every fiber of my being screamed NO. Only in America would someone think to put a gun in a woman's hand and say "Save yourself." I trembled with rage, but I didn't have the arguments, the vocabulary, to understand why that photo enraged me, shook me to my core.
A week later I began reading Rachel Louise Snyder's extraordinary No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us. I found all the words, all the reasons, all the insights in this powerful, perspective-changing book.
"Fifty women a month are shot and killed by their partners. Domestic violence is the third leading cause of homelessness. And 80 percent of hostage situations involve an abusive partner. Nor is it only a question of physical harm: In some 20 percent of abusive relationships a perpetrator has total control of his victim’s life." From An Epidemic of Violence We Never Discuss by Alisa Roth, New York Time Book Review, June 7, 2019.
If you want to understand the horrific hold violence has on this country, this book will show the links domestic violence, or the more accurately-termed "intimate partner terrorism", has to mass shootings, homelessness, substance abuse; why the #MeToo movement resonated so deeply; why it is so hard to generate commitment to laws and regulations that honor the safety of women in their own homes (yes, not all victims of domestic violence are women. Transgender and gay and lesbian partners are particularly vulnerable. Heterosexual men can certainly be terrorized by female partners in their own homes, as well. But 85 percent of intimate partner violence is perpetrated by men against women, so I, and the author, opt for the dominant model pronouns here).
This book is not just for those interested in the causes of and solutions to domestic violence. It is for anyone wishing to deepen their understanding of and compassion for the most vulnerable in this culture.
It is a gripping read. Snyder takes particular families, and in the best narrative non-fiction style offers up their stories in a way that you cannot put this book down. These stories show us in the most powerful, resonant ways why a woman doesn't leave an abusive relationship, and why we are asking the entirely wrong questions when we wonder what she could have done differently when things go terribly wrong. The author takes us into the courtrooms, police stations, shelters and homes before, during, and after a tragedy has occurred to reveal what is being done to address and prevent intimate partner violence.
There are preventative measures, possible solutions, policies and laws enacted at the local/state level—encouraging, but slow-moving. Reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act, a landmark piece of legislation passed in 1994 and reauthorized in 2000, 2005, and 2013, expired in September 2018 and languishes in a bi-partisan deadlock on the Senate floor. Republicans once again proving they don't give a fuck about women's lives.
Guess what does NOT work in preventing violence against women? Arming women. More guns = more violence. The statistics prove it over and over and over again. As one of the featured activists states, "Get rid of the fucking guns."
I finally did respond to this person's Facebook post, with that awful meme, writing:
Never mind that a meme like this is hopelessly, willfully ignorant of the ream of statistics that indicate violence against women, including rape, is perpetrated on them by men they know. Which requires that you use your imagination to complete this scenario. How bad must it get for a woman to turn a gun on a man she loves, whether it's her father, brother, partner, husband? That is what you are suggesting we do. Women who respond with violence have likely been the victims of ongoing violence. Is this what you want?
And for woman who have been pushed that far and do pull that trigger, in how many states is prior domestic violence not admissible as a defense? Even one is one too many. The presence of guns in the home is the third greatest indicator of the probability or actuality of intimate partner violence. Those guns are used AGAINST the victim, they are NOT a source of comfort to her; they represent a constant, real threat.
"The single most effective argument I know for why it doesn't make sense to arm women with guns to protect themselves against men- because arming a woman with a gun is asking her to behave like a man, to embody the somatic and psychological and cultural experience of a man while simultaneously quelling all that women have been taught. It says to women, if you want to protect yourself from violent men, you need to become violent yourself. It's not women who need to learn violence; it's men who need to learn unviolence." from NO VISIBLE BRUISES: What We Don't Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us, by Rachel Louise Snyder.
What will stop the rape of women is men ceasing to rape women. It is men holding themselves and other men accountable for their violence. This meme is more than offensive, it is an act of violence. You want to stop violence? Stop perpetrating it with messages like this. Be the fucking change, not the problem.
Read this book. Read this book. Read this book. Everyone.
Every fiber of my being screamed NO. Only in America would someone think to put a gun in a woman's hand and say "Save yourself." I trembled with rage, but I didn't have the arguments, the vocabulary, to understand why that photo enraged me, shook me to my core.
A week later I began reading Rachel Louise Snyder's extraordinary No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us. I found all the words, all the reasons, all the insights in this powerful, perspective-changing book.
"Fifty women a month are shot and killed by their partners. Domestic violence is the third leading cause of homelessness. And 80 percent of hostage situations involve an abusive partner. Nor is it only a question of physical harm: In some 20 percent of abusive relationships a perpetrator has total control of his victim’s life." From An Epidemic of Violence We Never Discuss by Alisa Roth, New York Time Book Review, June 7, 2019.
If you want to understand the horrific hold violence has on this country, this book will show the links domestic violence, or the more accurately-termed "intimate partner terrorism", has to mass shootings, homelessness, substance abuse; why the #MeToo movement resonated so deeply; why it is so hard to generate commitment to laws and regulations that honor the safety of women in their own homes (yes, not all victims of domestic violence are women. Transgender and gay and lesbian partners are particularly vulnerable. Heterosexual men can certainly be terrorized by female partners in their own homes, as well. But 85 percent of intimate partner violence is perpetrated by men against women, so I, and the author, opt for the dominant model pronouns here).
This book is not just for those interested in the causes of and solutions to domestic violence. It is for anyone wishing to deepen their understanding of and compassion for the most vulnerable in this culture.
It is a gripping read. Snyder takes particular families, and in the best narrative non-fiction style offers up their stories in a way that you cannot put this book down. These stories show us in the most powerful, resonant ways why a woman doesn't leave an abusive relationship, and why we are asking the entirely wrong questions when we wonder what she could have done differently when things go terribly wrong. The author takes us into the courtrooms, police stations, shelters and homes before, during, and after a tragedy has occurred to reveal what is being done to address and prevent intimate partner violence.
There are preventative measures, possible solutions, policies and laws enacted at the local/state level—encouraging, but slow-moving. Reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act, a landmark piece of legislation passed in 1994 and reauthorized in 2000, 2005, and 2013, expired in September 2018 and languishes in a bi-partisan deadlock on the Senate floor. Republicans once again proving they don't give a fuck about women's lives.
Guess what does NOT work in preventing violence against women? Arming women. More guns = more violence. The statistics prove it over and over and over again. As one of the featured activists states, "Get rid of the fucking guns."
I finally did respond to this person's Facebook post, with that awful meme, writing:
Never mind that a meme like this is hopelessly, willfully ignorant of the ream of statistics that indicate violence against women, including rape, is perpetrated on them by men they know. Which requires that you use your imagination to complete this scenario. How bad must it get for a woman to turn a gun on a man she loves, whether it's her father, brother, partner, husband? That is what you are suggesting we do. Women who respond with violence have likely been the victims of ongoing violence. Is this what you want?
And for woman who have been pushed that far and do pull that trigger, in how many states is prior domestic violence not admissible as a defense? Even one is one too many. The presence of guns in the home is the third greatest indicator of the probability or actuality of intimate partner violence. Those guns are used AGAINST the victim, they are NOT a source of comfort to her; they represent a constant, real threat.
"The single most effective argument I know for why it doesn't make sense to arm women with guns to protect themselves against men- because arming a woman with a gun is asking her to behave like a man, to embody the somatic and psychological and cultural experience of a man while simultaneously quelling all that women have been taught. It says to women, if you want to protect yourself from violent men, you need to become violent yourself. It's not women who need to learn violence; it's men who need to learn unviolence." from NO VISIBLE BRUISES: What We Don't Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us, by Rachel Louise Snyder.
What will stop the rape of women is men ceasing to rape women. It is men holding themselves and other men accountable for their violence. This meme is more than offensive, it is an act of violence. You want to stop violence? Stop perpetrating it with messages like this. Be the fucking change, not the problem.
Read this book. Read this book. Read this book. Everyone.
May 11, 2019
This book is a WOW book for me. I know about domestic violence and worked briefly at a shelter when I was in college, but the book still blew me away. Snyder is the rare author that can make broader points by telling individual stories. She sneaks in facts and data and process in telling a compelling story. She also grapples with broader cultural issues and shows a lot of empathy for the perpetrators of violence. I will be thinking about this book for a long time.
May 3, 2019
There are few books that manage to highlight a complex social issue, show you just how little you understand it, AND THEN provide a litany of ways we as individuals and a society can have a huge impact right now. Snyder made me understand that domestic violence impacts every life and society, and then did something that felt amazing in a world of depressing articles and troubling news reports: she demonstrated concrete ways to make change. She gave me policies to advocate for. NO VISIBLE BRUISES allowed me to see that domestic violence isn't just a personal problem, a sad news story or a moment for empathy with a friend; it's also an economic problem, it's a domestic terrorism problem, it's a national development problem. I cannot recommend this book highly enough, and hope it is a catalyst for long overdue conversations around interpersonal violence and its lasting effects on us as individuals and as a community.
January 3, 2025
No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us by Rachel Louise Snyder was an eye-opener for me. The statistics, interviews with abusers, victims, and family members, as well as in-depth research into programs to reduce domestic violence, left me gasping for air.
Some of the stark statistics included:
* 20 people in the US are assaulted every minute by their intimate partners
* Every day 137 women globally are killed by an intimate partner
* For every woman killed in the US due to domestic violence, nearly nine are almost killed
* 54% of US mass shootings involved domestic or family violence
Suzanne Dubus created a Domestic Violence High Risk assessment tool and team after years of research about the escalation of domestic violence. Her tool is able to accurately determine who is at the highest risk of domestic homicide. Nearly 90% of domestic homicide victims were both stalked and beaten in the year before their death. The single biggest risk for domestic violence is a prior incident of domestic violence. Strangulation is one of the highest risk factors out of the 22 high risk factors. Access to guns is also a very high-risk factor.
Other memorable passages included:
* Home is the most dangerous place for women. As dangerous as it is in their homes, it is almost always more dangerous to leave.
* Domestic violence is an urgent matter of public health.
* We need to shine a flashlight in the darkest corners.
* We are leaping backwards at an obscene pace with Trump's open hostility and sexism toward women.
* Women who are abused often recant their stories to authorities in order to stay alive and to keep their children alive.
* Rather than question why they stay, instead ask how she can be protected.
* Learn the language of violence and the questions to ask.
* Love is what makes domestic violence different than other crimes.
* Violence is the result of a belief system that men are the authority of their lives. They are to be respected and obeyed.
* Narcissists are hiding among us, and they're clustered at the top of their professions. Narcissists are high functioning, charismatic, and professionally successful.
* Abuse slowly erodes a person. Initially the abuse leaks out slowly like radon.
Highly recommend for men and women to read to better understand this critical, tragic issue.
Some of the stark statistics included:
* 20 people in the US are assaulted every minute by their intimate partners
* Every day 137 women globally are killed by an intimate partner
* For every woman killed in the US due to domestic violence, nearly nine are almost killed
* 54% of US mass shootings involved domestic or family violence
Suzanne Dubus created a Domestic Violence High Risk assessment tool and team after years of research about the escalation of domestic violence. Her tool is able to accurately determine who is at the highest risk of domestic homicide. Nearly 90% of domestic homicide victims were both stalked and beaten in the year before their death. The single biggest risk for domestic violence is a prior incident of domestic violence. Strangulation is one of the highest risk factors out of the 22 high risk factors. Access to guns is also a very high-risk factor.
Other memorable passages included:
* Home is the most dangerous place for women. As dangerous as it is in their homes, it is almost always more dangerous to leave.
* Domestic violence is an urgent matter of public health.
* We need to shine a flashlight in the darkest corners.
* We are leaping backwards at an obscene pace with Trump's open hostility and sexism toward women.
* Women who are abused often recant their stories to authorities in order to stay alive and to keep their children alive.
* Rather than question why they stay, instead ask how she can be protected.
* Learn the language of violence and the questions to ask.
* Love is what makes domestic violence different than other crimes.
* Violence is the result of a belief system that men are the authority of their lives. They are to be respected and obeyed.
* Narcissists are hiding among us, and they're clustered at the top of their professions. Narcissists are high functioning, charismatic, and professionally successful.
* Abuse slowly erodes a person. Initially the abuse leaks out slowly like radon.
Highly recommend for men and women to read to better understand this critical, tragic issue.
August 9, 2021
Ta książka niesamowicie mnie zmęczyła - nie świadczy to o tym, że była słaba, zła, etc. Wręcz przeciwnie. Była brutalna, dosadna, ale także rzetelna i dająca odrobinę nadziei. Momentami stanowiła dla mnie za dużo - brutalne opisy obrażeń, makabrycznych morderstw… tak wiele przemocy na niewinnych istotach.
To co najbardziej przypadło mi do gustu w tej książce to wielowymiarowość - podejście do tematu z wielu stron i zwracanie uwagi na aspekty, którymi nie zaprzątamy sobie głowy - np. Perspektywa sprawców i odwieczne pytanie: dlaczego?
Bardzo polecam, bo to interesujący tytuł, który zwraca uwagę na ogromny problem społeczny i to nie tylko w USA.
To co najbardziej przypadło mi do gustu w tej książce to wielowymiarowość - podejście do tematu z wielu stron i zwracanie uwagi na aspekty, którymi nie zaprzątamy sobie głowy - np. Perspektywa sprawców i odwieczne pytanie: dlaczego?
Bardzo polecam, bo to interesujący tytuł, który zwraca uwagę na ogromny problem społeczny i to nie tylko w USA.
June 21, 2019
Given the subject matter, clearly a lot of CWs here, particularly around violence and emotional abuse
This is exemplary non-fiction. I'm not totally sure if this should be characterized as narrative non-fiction, because while sections of it definitely read that way, other sections are more in line with a kind of deep reportage style that is common to a lot of non-fiction on these kinds of sociological or cultural topics. Taken all together, the book that this most reminds me of is I'LL BE GONE IN THE DARK in that it reads like a true crime hybrid, albeit that this time the hybrid is true crime + journalism, rather than true crime + memoir.
That being said, I am absolutely gutted and in love with this book. It not only seriously interrogates the whole "why do victims stay?" aspect of intimate partner violence, it ALSO seriously interrogates how abusers become abusers and get trapped into that cycle that they use to trap their victims. With this multifaceted view, Snyder is able to explore a plethora of social issues, but particularly the subject of what we usually lump together under the label of toxic masculinity. But she is able to also explore cycles of poverty, racism, what the purpose of incarceration is, and so many other things.
Basically, I loved this and if the content is something you can handle, recommend that everyone read. This is such an important topic and while it is a DIFFICULT thing to get through (don't even know how often I cried), I'm also so thankful for how it expanded my understanding of what domestic violence looks like and how it impacts everyone involved
This is exemplary non-fiction. I'm not totally sure if this should be characterized as narrative non-fiction, because while sections of it definitely read that way, other sections are more in line with a kind of deep reportage style that is common to a lot of non-fiction on these kinds of sociological or cultural topics. Taken all together, the book that this most reminds me of is I'LL BE GONE IN THE DARK in that it reads like a true crime hybrid, albeit that this time the hybrid is true crime + journalism, rather than true crime + memoir.
That being said, I am absolutely gutted and in love with this book. It not only seriously interrogates the whole "why do victims stay?" aspect of intimate partner violence, it ALSO seriously interrogates how abusers become abusers and get trapped into that cycle that they use to trap their victims. With this multifaceted view, Snyder is able to explore a plethora of social issues, but particularly the subject of what we usually lump together under the label of toxic masculinity. But she is able to also explore cycles of poverty, racism, what the purpose of incarceration is, and so many other things.
Basically, I loved this and if the content is something you can handle, recommend that everyone read. This is such an important topic and while it is a DIFFICULT thing to get through (don't even know how often I cried), I'm also so thankful for how it expanded my understanding of what domestic violence looks like and how it impacts everyone involved
May 28, 2020
This book finished me. I couldn’t finish it for months, and I wouldn’t allow any other book into my life until I finished it.
I made so many notes and had so many ideas, but now that it comes down to it, I can’t write them here. I hope to come back to this review when I'm in a better headspace to convey them properly.
For me, No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us was life-changing in the most literal sense of that phrase.
---
Mid-book thoughts from 12/2019:
This book will upend everything you think you know about domestic violence. Revelatory; almost therapeutic in its thoroughness.
I made so many notes and had so many ideas, but now that it comes down to it, I can’t write them here. I hope to come back to this review when I'm in a better headspace to convey them properly.
For me, No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us was life-changing in the most literal sense of that phrase.
---
Mid-book thoughts from 12/2019:
This book will upend everything you think you know about domestic violence. Revelatory; almost therapeutic in its thoroughness.
September 25, 2021
Popsugar Challenge 2021 - A book about a social justice issue
I'm no stranger to having a good cry with books but this was something else. From the prologue to the authors note I was in bits. This is a heavy emotional read.
The most dangerous place for a woman to be is at home - I read that sentence over and over and every time my heart hurts. It's still does.
This book tackles domestic abuse from all angles, from the abused to the abuser. Why does she stay? Why does he stay? The escalation, the backwards and forwards. The police departments, the shelters, the advocates.
It also tackles the term 'domestic abuse' which really opened my mind to the language we use in this situation.
It looks at why we call the police when a stranger is bashing our doors down but we are reluctant when someone we know its doing the same.
There's so much in this book. Its probably the hardest book I've ever waded through, my heart hurts, my eyes are sore and I have a massive lump in my throat but in a world where we are leaping backwards in progress previously made in terms of women's rights, I'd encourage you to pick this one up.
I'm no stranger to having a good cry with books but this was something else. From the prologue to the authors note I was in bits. This is a heavy emotional read.
The most dangerous place for a woman to be is at home - I read that sentence over and over and every time my heart hurts. It's still does.
This book tackles domestic abuse from all angles, from the abused to the abuser. Why does she stay? Why does he stay? The escalation, the backwards and forwards. The police departments, the shelters, the advocates.
It also tackles the term 'domestic abuse' which really opened my mind to the language we use in this situation.
It looks at why we call the police when a stranger is bashing our doors down but we are reluctant when someone we know its doing the same.
There's so much in this book. Its probably the hardest book I've ever waded through, my heart hurts, my eyes are sore and I have a massive lump in my throat but in a world where we are leaping backwards in progress previously made in terms of women's rights, I'd encourage you to pick this one up.
August 31, 2021
I am a notoriously slow audiobook listener, but this was ridiculous even for me; I started this book in March and I’m just finishing it now on the last day of August. But it wasn’t, as is often the case for me, because I never felt like listening to it; I would start playing this book constantly and only be able to listen for a couple of minutes because I felt like my skin was crawling. Which is, of course, exactly what a book like this should be, so, no complaints, only apologies that it took me this long to be able to stomach it.
In No Visible Bruises, journalist Rachel Louise Snyder investigates the state of domestic violence (also known as intimate partner violence) in the U.S. She anchors her thesis to a Montana woman, Michelle Monson Mosure, whose husband Rocky shot and killed Michelle and her two children in 2001, before killing himself. This tragedy was not out of the blue; Rocky had a long history of violence and Michelle had known that he was capable of killing her. When Rocky was briefly incarcerated for breaking and entering into Michelle’s family home, Michelle worked up the courage to file a restraining order — which she then quickly recanted as soon as Rocky was bailed out. Michelle reached out for help and failed to receive it, and Snyder tells her story not only in order to upend common misconceptions about intimate partner violence (the most notable and infuriating of which being, “why didn’t she just leave?”), but also to examine the ways in which her and her children’s deaths could have been prevented.
The focus of the book then turns to the many government-funded programs that have been launched over the years to address intimate partner violence, to varying degrees of success. Snyder puts a huge emphasis in her research on rehabilitation, speaking to perpetrators directly and attending group rehab sessions. It’s a jarring transition, this shift in focus from victim to perpetrator, but it’s a necessary one. The function of this book isn’t merely to dismiss fallacies about intimate partner violence, it’s to address the issue head on and provide insight into what has actually been successful at reducing the crime. Snyder also addresses shelters and police intervention — two commonly cited paths to safety for victims, and she explains the shortcomings of both solutions. The point that she drives home throughout this book is that intimate partner violence doesn’t exist in isolation; it’s caused and influenced by a myriad of social factors which all need to be addressed in their own way, which ultimately involves providing intervention and assistance to perpetrators as well as victims.
This book is absolutely harrowing but it’s skillfully researched and necessary. There is one thing I’d like to point out though before recommending it — Snyder doesn’t tackle the issue of intimate partner violence within the LGBTQ community specifically, and she often gives she/her pronouns to victims and he/him pronouns to perpetrators when speaking generally. She addresses this in her forward, acknowledging that it’s a generalization based on statistics that she is aware does not encapsulate every instance of intimate partner violence. As it isn’t the aim of this particular project to delve into queer intimate partner violence or to highlight specific instances of women assaulting their male partners, I can’t fault Snyder for not doing that, but it’s worth noting that this is probably the book’s most notable weak area. I do recommend this very highly unless queer intimate partner violence is specifically what you are seeking to learn about.
In No Visible Bruises, journalist Rachel Louise Snyder investigates the state of domestic violence (also known as intimate partner violence) in the U.S. She anchors her thesis to a Montana woman, Michelle Monson Mosure, whose husband Rocky shot and killed Michelle and her two children in 2001, before killing himself. This tragedy was not out of the blue; Rocky had a long history of violence and Michelle had known that he was capable of killing her. When Rocky was briefly incarcerated for breaking and entering into Michelle’s family home, Michelle worked up the courage to file a restraining order — which she then quickly recanted as soon as Rocky was bailed out. Michelle reached out for help and failed to receive it, and Snyder tells her story not only in order to upend common misconceptions about intimate partner violence (the most notable and infuriating of which being, “why didn’t she just leave?”), but also to examine the ways in which her and her children’s deaths could have been prevented.
The focus of the book then turns to the many government-funded programs that have been launched over the years to address intimate partner violence, to varying degrees of success. Snyder puts a huge emphasis in her research on rehabilitation, speaking to perpetrators directly and attending group rehab sessions. It’s a jarring transition, this shift in focus from victim to perpetrator, but it’s a necessary one. The function of this book isn’t merely to dismiss fallacies about intimate partner violence, it’s to address the issue head on and provide insight into what has actually been successful at reducing the crime. Snyder also addresses shelters and police intervention — two commonly cited paths to safety for victims, and she explains the shortcomings of both solutions. The point that she drives home throughout this book is that intimate partner violence doesn’t exist in isolation; it’s caused and influenced by a myriad of social factors which all need to be addressed in their own way, which ultimately involves providing intervention and assistance to perpetrators as well as victims.
This book is absolutely harrowing but it’s skillfully researched and necessary. There is one thing I’d like to point out though before recommending it — Snyder doesn’t tackle the issue of intimate partner violence within the LGBTQ community specifically, and she often gives she/her pronouns to victims and he/him pronouns to perpetrators when speaking generally. She addresses this in her forward, acknowledging that it’s a generalization based on statistics that she is aware does not encapsulate every instance of intimate partner violence. As it isn’t the aim of this particular project to delve into queer intimate partner violence or to highlight specific instances of women assaulting their male partners, I can’t fault Snyder for not doing that, but it’s worth noting that this is probably the book’s most notable weak area. I do recommend this very highly unless queer intimate partner violence is specifically what you are seeking to learn about.
December 22, 2020
Incredible.
January 18, 2020
This is an important topic but its treatment here disappointed me. What the author calls "literary journalism" involves putting thoughts into dead people's heads, injecting a lot of personal opinions and irrelevant details while mixing up timelines and case studies. More importantly, I felt the focus was very far downstream. To the extent that people in the book talk about prevention, what they mean is prevention of homicide as opposed to prevention of domestic violence. Stopping murder is obviously good to do, but it's sad not to pull back for a broader perspective and go upstream. The closest the book gets is an aside on page 134: "Another [wall] bears a poster: How do you stop a thirty-year-old from beating his wife? Talk to him when he's twelve." I would have said eight. In any case, that poster's presence in a place for reforming abusers (!) surely demands some discussion in a whole book about DV that is supposed to cover how to address DV.
March 23, 2023
Bine scrisă (şi foarte bine tradusă). Am citit cu interes şi ce am citit a fost informativ. Mai mult decât chestiile noi pe care le-am aflat, cartea are meritul de a mă fi pus pe gânduri. În rest, nu sunt în măsură să comentez.
Poate un pic prea lungă. Uneori intră în prea multe detalii biografice, mai ales în prima parte.
Către editor: enervant pe copertă e subtitlul în care fiecare cuvânt începe cu majusculă. În limba română nu se practică aşa ceva.
Poate un pic prea lungă. Uneori intră în prea multe detalii biografice, mai ales în prima parte.
Către editor: enervant pe copertă e subtitlul în care fiecare cuvânt începe cu majusculă. În limba română nu se practică aşa ceva.
July 3, 2019
This is such an important book, and also one of the most well-written non-fiction books that I have ever read - it is an absolute page turner. I feel that a copy of this should be sent to every law-maker in America, to help understand how to combat one of the leading causes of death for women, and to make everyone safer. Everyone should read this.
April 27, 2020
edit: upping this to five stars. It's only grown in my mind since I finished.
My favorite read of the Booktube Prize opening round. To see why check out the detailed review in my Octofinal vlog: https://youtu.be/V1lhhdY5_VY
My favorite read of the Booktube Prize opening round. To see why check out the detailed review in my Octofinal vlog: https://youtu.be/V1lhhdY5_VY
December 31, 2022
To jest szalenie ważny reportaż. Reportaż, który porusza temat globalnego problemu, jakim jest przemoc domowa.
Dostaniemy trudne historie ofiar, ale również rozmowy ze sprawcami. Dlaczego zabijają? Dlaczego duszą? Dlaczego stosują przemoc?
Dostaniemy trudne historie ofiar, ale również rozmowy ze sprawcami. Dlaczego zabijają? Dlaczego duszą? Dlaczego stosują przemoc?
June 10, 2019
I have met both abusers and victims and had some disturbing details divulged to me, but that did not prepare me for this book. In fact, I feel badly I didn't know how gruesome that domestic violence really is. It's always kind of the thing we blame on the victim, partly out of misogyny, but I would also say we don't worry about it like, say, a mass shooting, because it's not something (we men especially) think is going to happen to us. It's something we chalk up to making poor decisions and choosing bad relationships. We will even say certain women are attracted to abusers.
Snyder goes on to write about how the gender expectations placed on men to not show emotion, to be tough, and the expectation to solve problems through violence creates a culture of gendered violent crime. Snyder demonstrates how many of the mass shootings begin in domestic violence and pulls apart the tendency of these gender role-indoctrinated men to claim ownership over women and dehumanize them. Tied together, it's such a refutation of the reactionary blowback to save "toxic masculinity", that it would be difficult to argue against.
The meat of the book, though, is in the narrative. Snyder is at her best when she is a frontline reporter, interviewing families of victims, attending groups, and on ride-alongs. Part I of the book is a particularly harrowing case study. It is told as Snyder interviews the families of the dead involved in a gruesome triple-murder suicide, as the fathers discuss it for the first time since it happened. There are home videos as well, which we get to hear described. It paints a fascinating portrait of a family who are not alive to tell their own story.
Part I familiarizes the reader with the reality of domestic abuse. The physical violence might pale in comparison to the psychological. The abuser creates situations in which there is no escape. The victim has no choice but to either convince themselves it is actually bearable or to figure a way out, which can possibly be deadly. They can't simply leave when they have kids. They leave their kids with him and they will be in the hands of an abuser. Plus, what mother would willingly leave their children? But, if she takes the children, she is a kidnapper. Calling the police would likely mean he would get out of jail quickly and be even more enraged. It's an unwinnable situation. Snyder challenges us to ask why we collectively ask: "Why do they stay?" when the more relevant question is, "Why were they violent?"
Part II explores abuser rehabilitation. This is a tough transition, but it's a necessary one. It's tough because of the brutalizing nature of the first part. I imagine many by this point are ready to lock men up and throw away the key, and it's hard to blame them. I actually found a couple of the stories quite redemptive, and thought the author's conclusion was quite odd. That said, I'm glad she told the story.
Part III deals primarily with the victim-facing solutions. The big takeaway is that there are primarily two: shelters and police. Shelters are often not great solutions because women are forced to go to the first one in the state with an open spot, and even leave their job if it's out of range. From her perspective, police are often issues because they do not take detailed reports, don't take domestic violence seriously (nor do courts, she adds), often they are abusers themselves (2-4x as likely to be abusers as the general population). She does highlight a cop from Cleveland who works with victims of domestic abuse who seems to function somewhere between a social worker and a cop. As jaded as I am about the justice system, she was a good officer.
Throughout, she continues with crushing stories of abuse. A noticeable thing is that so many of the people who get involved with the work were in some way afflicted by abuse. Just as many of the abusers were abused. In the last chapter, Snyder brings up an 14% increase in domestic abuse over the last 5 or so years. Though this could be arbitrary data fluctuation, but with misogyny being part of the culture war, it seems as if this ripple effect could make it epidemic.
Now for some nitpicks: since domestic abuse does seem to be a function of culture, I would also like to have seen data comparing the US to other countries. How can we change the culture to pre-empt the violence to where more of it doesn't happen?
The author seems to conclude that the most effective prevention would be early, at the misdemeanor level. More effectively assessing threats and removing bail... More incarceration? We are so greatly incarcerated a country already, I'm hesitant to hope for this, yet this is also a hideous crime that puts the family in such harm; therefore, it is difficult to fault anyone for wanting these people sequestered.
Again, I felt the ending of Part II was a disappointment. Her assessment of Jimmy was far too harsh. From the point of view of the reader, he might be flawed still, but there is no reason to believe he is not a success story (he was getting off drugs too!). The dark take she brings to it is cynical and really undermines the idea of rehabilitation, which while I imagine it's theoretically possible someone who is abusive cannot be rehabilitated, I imagine it's far more likely that many can. The only empirical evidence I recall her providing actually is strongly in favor of the rehabilitation groups. There might not be enough data out there at all to get a proper sample, given how much our justice system is focused on purely punitive measures.
"Why Women Have Better Sex Under Socialism" by Kristen Ghodsee explains why, in socialist countries, women have historically been able to easier get out of and avoid altogether abusive relationships (it has to do with having more economic stability). In a similar vein, it seems that greater parity in wealth and income (both among the sexes and among people in general) would do a little to remedy this problem.
Overall, excellent book. Gripping narrative and information that you owe it to the vulnerable around you to know.
Snyder goes on to write about how the gender expectations placed on men to not show emotion, to be tough, and the expectation to solve problems through violence creates a culture of gendered violent crime. Snyder demonstrates how many of the mass shootings begin in domestic violence and pulls apart the tendency of these gender role-indoctrinated men to claim ownership over women and dehumanize them. Tied together, it's such a refutation of the reactionary blowback to save "toxic masculinity", that it would be difficult to argue against.
The meat of the book, though, is in the narrative. Snyder is at her best when she is a frontline reporter, interviewing families of victims, attending groups, and on ride-alongs. Part I of the book is a particularly harrowing case study. It is told as Snyder interviews the families of the dead involved in a gruesome triple-murder suicide, as the fathers discuss it for the first time since it happened. There are home videos as well, which we get to hear described. It paints a fascinating portrait of a family who are not alive to tell their own story.
Part I familiarizes the reader with the reality of domestic abuse. The physical violence might pale in comparison to the psychological. The abuser creates situations in which there is no escape. The victim has no choice but to either convince themselves it is actually bearable or to figure a way out, which can possibly be deadly. They can't simply leave when they have kids. They leave their kids with him and they will be in the hands of an abuser. Plus, what mother would willingly leave their children? But, if she takes the children, she is a kidnapper. Calling the police would likely mean he would get out of jail quickly and be even more enraged. It's an unwinnable situation. Snyder challenges us to ask why we collectively ask: "Why do they stay?" when the more relevant question is, "Why were they violent?"
Part II explores abuser rehabilitation. This is a tough transition, but it's a necessary one. It's tough because of the brutalizing nature of the first part. I imagine many by this point are ready to lock men up and throw away the key, and it's hard to blame them. I actually found a couple of the stories quite redemptive, and thought the author's conclusion was quite odd. That said, I'm glad she told the story.
Part III deals primarily with the victim-facing solutions. The big takeaway is that there are primarily two: shelters and police. Shelters are often not great solutions because women are forced to go to the first one in the state with an open spot, and even leave their job if it's out of range. From her perspective, police are often issues because they do not take detailed reports, don't take domestic violence seriously (nor do courts, she adds), often they are abusers themselves (2-4x as likely to be abusers as the general population). She does highlight a cop from Cleveland who works with victims of domestic abuse who seems to function somewhere between a social worker and a cop. As jaded as I am about the justice system, she was a good officer.
Throughout, she continues with crushing stories of abuse. A noticeable thing is that so many of the people who get involved with the work were in some way afflicted by abuse. Just as many of the abusers were abused. In the last chapter, Snyder brings up an 14% increase in domestic abuse over the last 5 or so years. Though this could be arbitrary data fluctuation, but with misogyny being part of the culture war, it seems as if this ripple effect could make it epidemic.
Now for some nitpicks: since domestic abuse does seem to be a function of culture, I would also like to have seen data comparing the US to other countries. How can we change the culture to pre-empt the violence to where more of it doesn't happen?
The author seems to conclude that the most effective prevention would be early, at the misdemeanor level. More effectively assessing threats and removing bail... More incarceration? We are so greatly incarcerated a country already, I'm hesitant to hope for this, yet this is also a hideous crime that puts the family in such harm; therefore, it is difficult to fault anyone for wanting these people sequestered.
Again, I felt the ending of Part II was a disappointment. Her assessment of Jimmy was far too harsh. From the point of view of the reader, he might be flawed still, but there is no reason to believe he is not a success story (he was getting off drugs too!). The dark take she brings to it is cynical and really undermines the idea of rehabilitation, which while I imagine it's theoretically possible someone who is abusive cannot be rehabilitated, I imagine it's far more likely that many can. The only empirical evidence I recall her providing actually is strongly in favor of the rehabilitation groups. There might not be enough data out there at all to get a proper sample, given how much our justice system is focused on purely punitive measures.
"Why Women Have Better Sex Under Socialism" by Kristen Ghodsee explains why, in socialist countries, women have historically been able to easier get out of and avoid altogether abusive relationships (it has to do with having more economic stability). In a similar vein, it seems that greater parity in wealth and income (both among the sexes and among people in general) would do a little to remedy this problem.
Overall, excellent book. Gripping narrative and information that you owe it to the vulnerable around you to know.
January 31, 2022
Książka, którą czytałam ze ściśniętym gardłem, żołądkiem, wszystkim. Autorka rozkłada na czynniki pierwsze problem przemocy domowej w Stanach Zjednoczonych - choć oczywiście wiele aspektów powiela się w innych krajach, przemoc to przemoc, nie ważne w jakim zakątku świata. Temat omówiony z każdej perspektywy, nie tylko jej ofiar, ale też sprawców. Przygląda się nie tylko temu jak nieudolnie działa system, przedstawia propozycje zmian, które mogą zapobiec najgorszemu oraz omawia przyczyny stosowania przemocy. Pokazuje jak wielu tragedii można było uniknąć gdyby zastosować odpowiednie metody - rozpoznawania przemocowej sytuacji, komunikacji pomiędzy służbami czy skutecznej ochrony ofiar. Kolejny aspekt to działanie jeszcze w zarodku czyli edukacja dzieci i młodzieży oraz kiedy już do przemocy dojdzie, podjęcie efektywnych działań resocjalizacyjnych.
Przemoc rodzinna to nie jest margines, Światowa Organizacja Zdrowia uznała terror domowy za globalny problem o rozmiarach EPIDEMII !! Dlaczego ciągle widząc przemoc obcych na ulicy - ktoś kogoś pobije, wyrwie torebkę, reagujemy od razu, ale widząc czy słysząc o przemocy domowej, nadal tyle osób odwraca wzrok bo to przecież sprawa prywatna i nie będziemy się wtrącać. I to co jest absurdalne i na co zwraca uwagę autorka jest to, że ciągle zadajemy pytania „dlaczego ofiara nie odeszła” zamiast pytać „jak mogę jej pomóc i jak ochronić ją i kolejną kobietę” albo „dlaczego sprawca zostaje”. Dopóki nie zmienimy sposobu myślenia, to nic się nie zmieni. A gwarantuję wam, że wasz sposób myślenia zmieni się bardzo po przeczytaniu „Śladów pobicia brak”. Reportaż obowiąkowy dla każdego, a już w szczególności dla policji i innych służb oraz pracowników medycznych czy socjalnych.
Przemoc rodzinna to nie jest margines, Światowa Organizacja Zdrowia uznała terror domowy za globalny problem o rozmiarach EPIDEMII !! Dlaczego ciągle widząc przemoc obcych na ulicy - ktoś kogoś pobije, wyrwie torebkę, reagujemy od razu, ale widząc czy słysząc o przemocy domowej, nadal tyle osób odwraca wzrok bo to przecież sprawa prywatna i nie będziemy się wtrącać. I to co jest absurdalne i na co zwraca uwagę autorka jest to, że ciągle zadajemy pytania „dlaczego ofiara nie odeszła” zamiast pytać „jak mogę jej pomóc i jak ochronić ją i kolejną kobietę” albo „dlaczego sprawca zostaje”. Dopóki nie zmienimy sposobu myślenia, to nic się nie zmieni. A gwarantuję wam, że wasz sposób myślenia zmieni się bardzo po przeczytaniu „Śladów pobicia brak”. Reportaż obowiąkowy dla każdego, a już w szczególności dla policji i innych służb oraz pracowników medycznych czy socjalnych.
August 12, 2021
Pentru mine, aceasta lectură e un must-have, must-read etc.
Foarte bine documentata.
"Cum oprești un tip de treizeci de ani din a-și bate soția? Vorbește cu el când are doisprezece."
Foarte bine documentata.
"Cum oprești un tip de treizeci de ani din a-și bate soția? Vorbește cu el când are doisprezece."
April 30, 2022
This book is an excellent example of investigative journalism on the domestic violence problem. First of all, all women and then all officials working in the field should read this publication.
"Why victims stay isn’t the question we need to be asking. Rather, I think a better question is: how do we protect this person?"
"It is men who are violent. It is men who perpetrate the majority of the world’s violence, whether that violence is domestic abuse or war."
"I don’t believe love conquers all. So many things in this world seem more powerful than love. Duty. Rage. Fear. Violence."
"Why victims stay isn’t the question we need to be asking. Rather, I think a better question is: how do we protect this person?"
"It is men who are violent. It is men who perpetrate the majority of the world’s violence, whether that violence is domestic abuse or war."
"I don’t believe love conquers all. So many things in this world seem more powerful than love. Duty. Rage. Fear. Violence."
May 25, 2019
Not an easy read, but a compelling one. Snyder has turned out a first-rate piece of research and writing that will shock and appall you. I hope this book winds every major prize possible, and that it gets tons of attention. It has a critically important message for the entire human race: domestic violence is a form of terrorism, and we need to change attitudes and laws to address it properly.
June 29, 2021
Ta książka zasługuje i na 12⭐. Okropnie otwiera oczy na pewne rzeczy, z których na codzień nawet nie zdajemy sobie sprawy. Moim zdaniem każdy powinien ją przeczytać
January 6, 2020
Everyone who might want to save another person’s life needs to read this book.
This is not an easy book to read. For some reason I expected more statistics or a more dry recounting of facts.
But it’s very journalistically specific. It tells the story of a young woman who came under the complete influence of an older man. He had “coercive control” over her. She was fourteen when they met. They had two children together before she graduated from high school.
Many of the principles for recognizing what to look for in dangerous domestic abuse situations were missed by her family and friends since she kept so many of her experiences to herself. She told the police, in her single interaction with them, that he kept a snake that he threatened to use to kill her to make it look like an accident. She later recanted that story and told the police she had lied. Did she do that because she was stupid or because she was unstable? No, as the author made clear. Her decision to recant and to provide an official united front with him was an attempt to save her own life because she feared him more than she feared or trusted law enforcement.
It’s hard to read this story without being impacted. That’s the purpose of reading a book like this. One of the key clues to the dangerousness of a relationship is whether or not he tries to choke her. (I’m using he/she pronouns here because that is by far the statistical norm...). Her life is in the most danger in the 24 to 48 hours after that. Yet police departments don’t often take those incidents seriously. Sometimes they downplay the physical evidence in the neck area. Victims will often lose bowel control. This is the body’s response to a mortal threat. Another dangerous sign is a man’s access to guns. In this case the husband bought a gun shortly before using it on his family. Telling the seller chillingly that it was “for his wife.”
Not an easy book to read. But a book that could save lives. Sometimes the window is so small for someone reaching out for help. They might only speak to a few people. Maybe only one person. The more that social workers, teachers, therapists, bosses, friends, day care workers...basically the more people that know what the signs are, the more opportunities there are to save other women like this one.
That makes it worth reading and sharing. Five stars.
Notes from my reading:
-His violence. He owns it with a possessive pronoun now.
-In today’s society we don’t need violence. We need to intimate. Men are taught violence. But they are not taught intimacy.
-We ask why didn’t she leave, not Why couldn’t he stop his violence?
-Men learn to be men by defining themselves as superior to one another and to women. And much of the violence in our communities is due to men’s ongoing enforcement of that learned behavior in their superiority.
-Men had learned that it was ok to use violence to enforce their social obligation to be superior.
This is not an easy book to read. For some reason I expected more statistics or a more dry recounting of facts.
But it’s very journalistically specific. It tells the story of a young woman who came under the complete influence of an older man. He had “coercive control” over her. She was fourteen when they met. They had two children together before she graduated from high school.
Many of the principles for recognizing what to look for in dangerous domestic abuse situations were missed by her family and friends since she kept so many of her experiences to herself. She told the police, in her single interaction with them, that he kept a snake that he threatened to use to kill her to make it look like an accident. She later recanted that story and told the police she had lied. Did she do that because she was stupid or because she was unstable? No, as the author made clear. Her decision to recant and to provide an official united front with him was an attempt to save her own life because she feared him more than she feared or trusted law enforcement.
It’s hard to read this story without being impacted. That’s the purpose of reading a book like this. One of the key clues to the dangerousness of a relationship is whether or not he tries to choke her. (I’m using he/she pronouns here because that is by far the statistical norm...). Her life is in the most danger in the 24 to 48 hours after that. Yet police departments don’t often take those incidents seriously. Sometimes they downplay the physical evidence in the neck area. Victims will often lose bowel control. This is the body’s response to a mortal threat. Another dangerous sign is a man’s access to guns. In this case the husband bought a gun shortly before using it on his family. Telling the seller chillingly that it was “for his wife.”
Not an easy book to read. But a book that could save lives. Sometimes the window is so small for someone reaching out for help. They might only speak to a few people. Maybe only one person. The more that social workers, teachers, therapists, bosses, friends, day care workers...basically the more people that know what the signs are, the more opportunities there are to save other women like this one.
That makes it worth reading and sharing. Five stars.
Notes from my reading:
-His violence. He owns it with a possessive pronoun now.
-In today’s society we don’t need violence. We need to intimate. Men are taught violence. But they are not taught intimacy.
-We ask why didn’t she leave, not Why couldn’t he stop his violence?
-Men learn to be men by defining themselves as superior to one another and to women. And much of the violence in our communities is due to men’s ongoing enforcement of that learned behavior in their superiority.
-Men had learned that it was ok to use violence to enforce their social obligation to be superior.
June 3, 2019
This book would have gotten 5 stars if the editor cut out the author’s self indulgent asides and made her write about DV in the LGBTQ community. Her refusal to write about this aspect of domestic violence reinforces her own subtitle.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 4, 2019
Felt so uneasy reading this and then I realised why: the author is so classist and does not evaluate or critique her own viewpoint at all. She seems more interested in telling stories than really interrogating the issues at play with IPV. Really disappointing.
May 18, 2019
Every one of us needs to read this book. If you have not been hurt by intimate partner terrorism yourself, please make time for this book. For those of us who have, it is hard to read—but in the way that needed medicine can taste terrible. This book is one of those books that stands in a unique position to raise our consciousness for the better. In this case, it stands to normalize advocacy and protection for abused women and their children, who are murdered in numbers that dwarf our country’s soldier losses in war: “Fifty American women are shot and killed every month by intimate partners” (p.272).
Rachel Louise Snyder has done profound work here, catching us up to date on how the abuse of women in their relationships is not a private issue at all—it’s a crime, corroding our communities. This makes it all of our business. She re-frames the outworn attitudes so often projected onto women in dire situations, making the case for us to stop asking why a woman stays with a man who has terrorized her. Snyder and allies would rather we ask what we can do to protect a woman and her children. As far as that goes, hopeful and promising projects to do just that are explored in this book—especially the Jeanne Geiger Crisis Center in Massachusetts, the Homicide Reduction Unit task force in Cleveland, and DASH, Cornerstone, and DC Safe in Washington, D.C.
Snyder also addresses anticipated questions. Why, for instance, will a woman often side (or appear to side) with the man terrorizing her? Why will she accept him isolating her from her family and loved ones, or deleting all of her social media accounts? Typically it’s because he has given her every reason to fear him—and she knows he could very well murder her. He has made himself appear more powerful to her than advocacy and legal systems.
Important work by Jacquelyn Campbell and Ellen Pence is also covered. We learn the most dangerous time for a woman and her children is when she leaves or attempts to leave him. The first three months are exceedingly dangerous. The next nine months are a fraction less dangerous. Then after a year, the danger drops by a lot. However, this cycle of spiking danger and gradual de-escalation can be re-triggered by events like a graduation, a new job, a move, a pregnancy—big life events. Snyder lays out how experts have found that making a timeline of events in an abusive relationship is integral to breaking free—and the thing often overlooked is escalation along that timeline.
The book explores many situations where women and their children were murdered by an intimate partner. Of course, countless women are terrorized without being murdered. One takeaway is that no person should be made to fear her husband or boyfriend or partner. That goes for her children, too. And until we accept this morally, as a culture, by normalizing its criminality, we are all failing. We have a duty to look out for each other. Snyder tells us the most promising efforts are happening in cities where advocates and police and medical professionals and social workers and clergy are openly meeting with each other and talking about specific people they stand to help. The responsibility extends, of course, to each of us contributing to a just and humane society. We can also, of course, work on listening—to experts and people who have been hurt by intimate partner terrorism (sometimes they are one and the same…), and even the men who terrorize.
One woman, named Victoria in the book, says, “You’ve heard the saying ‘hurt people hurt people’… Well, I also think healed people heal people” (p.119). This book can help a lot of us as we heal—and lead to greater societal efforts to help others heal, too.
Rachel Louise Snyder has done profound work here, catching us up to date on how the abuse of women in their relationships is not a private issue at all—it’s a crime, corroding our communities. This makes it all of our business. She re-frames the outworn attitudes so often projected onto women in dire situations, making the case for us to stop asking why a woman stays with a man who has terrorized her. Snyder and allies would rather we ask what we can do to protect a woman and her children. As far as that goes, hopeful and promising projects to do just that are explored in this book—especially the Jeanne Geiger Crisis Center in Massachusetts, the Homicide Reduction Unit task force in Cleveland, and DASH, Cornerstone, and DC Safe in Washington, D.C.
Snyder also addresses anticipated questions. Why, for instance, will a woman often side (or appear to side) with the man terrorizing her? Why will she accept him isolating her from her family and loved ones, or deleting all of her social media accounts? Typically it’s because he has given her every reason to fear him—and she knows he could very well murder her. He has made himself appear more powerful to her than advocacy and legal systems.
Important work by Jacquelyn Campbell and Ellen Pence is also covered. We learn the most dangerous time for a woman and her children is when she leaves or attempts to leave him. The first three months are exceedingly dangerous. The next nine months are a fraction less dangerous. Then after a year, the danger drops by a lot. However, this cycle of spiking danger and gradual de-escalation can be re-triggered by events like a graduation, a new job, a move, a pregnancy—big life events. Snyder lays out how experts have found that making a timeline of events in an abusive relationship is integral to breaking free—and the thing often overlooked is escalation along that timeline.
The book explores many situations where women and their children were murdered by an intimate partner. Of course, countless women are terrorized without being murdered. One takeaway is that no person should be made to fear her husband or boyfriend or partner. That goes for her children, too. And until we accept this morally, as a culture, by normalizing its criminality, we are all failing. We have a duty to look out for each other. Snyder tells us the most promising efforts are happening in cities where advocates and police and medical professionals and social workers and clergy are openly meeting with each other and talking about specific people they stand to help. The responsibility extends, of course, to each of us contributing to a just and humane society. We can also, of course, work on listening—to experts and people who have been hurt by intimate partner terrorism (sometimes they are one and the same…), and even the men who terrorize.
One woman, named Victoria in the book, says, “You’ve heard the saying ‘hurt people hurt people’… Well, I also think healed people heal people” (p.119). This book can help a lot of us as we heal—and lead to greater societal efforts to help others heal, too.
June 3, 2019
This was well-researched, but honestly, I did not see a lot of new insight on IPV here. I may be biased and/or not the target audience for this book, since I work in the field, but overall, I was hoping for a bit more.
May 13, 2019
This book is absolutely heartbreaking, but it's also 100% necessary. It's terrifying. TERRIFYING. But it's required reading. You should read it. I'm not kidding.
I know that I'm going to be thinking about this book for a really long time, and it has radically informed what I thought I knew about intimate partner terrorism (domestic violence).
I'm just in awe of this book. (Also, the read-time in no way indicates how compelling the book is; I constantly wanted to be reading it, but I also needed breaks from it, because the subject matter is so difficult.)
I know that I'm going to be thinking about this book for a really long time, and it has radically informed what I thought I knew about intimate partner terrorism (domestic violence).
I'm just in awe of this book. (Also, the read-time in no way indicates how compelling the book is; I constantly wanted to be reading it, but I also needed breaks from it, because the subject matter is so difficult.)
![Profile Image for julia ☆ [owls reads].](/_next/image?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.gr-assets.com%2Fimages%2FS%2Fcompressed.photo.goodreads.com%2Fusers%2F1636739475i%2F5520447._UX200_CR0%2C0%2C200%2C200_.jpg&w=128&q=75)
June 28, 2019
This is probably the most important book I'll ever read in my life.
December 8, 2020
My favorite non-fiction work that I read this year in 2020. Journalist Rachel Louise Snyder writes an amazing book that is full of insights about the chronic physical and emotional abuse of women from America and around the world. Her research is astounding and I learned so much about the lives of both the abused and the abuser. I guarantee that it will change the way you look at our society. I highly recommend this book. Five full stars.
December 7, 2020
Daca esti ca mine, cand auzi vorbindu-se de violenta domestica, primele intrebari care iti vin in minte sunt " dar de ce nu pleaca? De ce sta cu el?"
Intrebarile corecte sunt, de fapt : " de ce este acest barbat violent? De ce nu isi poate opri el violenta?"
"Noua, femeilor, ne este transmis mereu mesajul ca suntem titularele vietii emotionale si ale sanatatii familiei, ca responsabilitatea unui barbat de a se schimba ne revine noua".
"Barbatii au devenit violenti datorita mediului in care au crescut si datorita constrangerilor sociale, nu pentru ca s-au nascut violenti".
"Aproape toate cercetarile din anii 60-70 descriau violenta domestica drept rezultatul manipularii femeilor, care isi incitau sotii. Si astazi exista viziunea conform careia victimele provoaca abuzul".
"Violenta domestica nu se intampla din senin si nu se intampla pentru ca cineva se afla in locul nepotrivit, in momentul nepotrivit.
"Cand vine vorba despre oamenii pe care ii stim din alte circumstante, familia noastra, avem probleme in a identifica violenta."
"Cedarea puterii catre altcineva nu se petrece pur si simplu, este o eroziune inceata de-a lungul timpului. Pas cu pas, moment cu moment, victima se diminueaza pana cand nu se mai simte ca o persoana."
" nu poti observa ceea ce nu stii sa cauti":
Cele 8 moduri in care un agresor pastreaza controlul si puterea sunt urmatoarele :
1.frica.
2.abuz emotional
3.izolare
4.negare si vina
5.folosirea copiilor
6.intimidarea
7.controlul financiar
8.forta bruta si amenintarea
Mi s-a parut extrem de interesanta aceasta carte. Mi-a lamurit multe lucruri, si mi-a schimbat multe prejudecati. Principala fiind legata de intrebarea sau constatarea " dar de ce ramane femeia aceea in relatie?"
Pentru ca social, noi sau statul nu putem proteja o victimă. De cele mai multe ori.
"Victimele raman langa agresorii lor, pentru ca aleg sa traiasca".
Cand este vorba de omucidere, cele mai multe femei au fost ucise DUPA ce au plecat. Cand agresorii, in mintea lor, nu mai aveau nimic de pierdut.
Condamnam usor si fara compasiune. Nimeni nu isi doreste sa fie batut, amenintat , injurat. De cele mai multe ori, nu pleaca de frica. De frica agresorului care va deveni si mai violent cu obiectul posesiunii lui. Asta este o femeie pentru un astfel de barbat. Un obiect al lor. Rar o fiinta umana.
Romania are o mare problema legata de violenta domestica, si ea pare ca a escaladat in urma pandemiei -izolare,i probleme economice, rolul confuz al barbatului traditional. Tip " provide and protect". Si al sotiei lui - buretele frustrarilor sociale si financiare.
Un alt mesaj important este cel legat de stigma sociala, rusine si vina.
Nu victima este in neregula. Nu ea are o problema. Ci agresorul.
A fi victima abuzului domestic nu tine cont de varsta, rasa, educatie, profesie. Tine de noi, atunci cand normalizam o agresiune fizica sau verbala sau cand o negam si o ascundem sub pres.
Intrebarile corecte sunt, de fapt : " de ce este acest barbat violent? De ce nu isi poate opri el violenta?"
"Noua, femeilor, ne este transmis mereu mesajul ca suntem titularele vietii emotionale si ale sanatatii familiei, ca responsabilitatea unui barbat de a se schimba ne revine noua".
"Barbatii au devenit violenti datorita mediului in care au crescut si datorita constrangerilor sociale, nu pentru ca s-au nascut violenti".
"Aproape toate cercetarile din anii 60-70 descriau violenta domestica drept rezultatul manipularii femeilor, care isi incitau sotii. Si astazi exista viziunea conform careia victimele provoaca abuzul".
"Violenta domestica nu se intampla din senin si nu se intampla pentru ca cineva se afla in locul nepotrivit, in momentul nepotrivit.
"Cand vine vorba despre oamenii pe care ii stim din alte circumstante, familia noastra, avem probleme in a identifica violenta."
"Cedarea puterii catre altcineva nu se petrece pur si simplu, este o eroziune inceata de-a lungul timpului. Pas cu pas, moment cu moment, victima se diminueaza pana cand nu se mai simte ca o persoana."
" nu poti observa ceea ce nu stii sa cauti":
Cele 8 moduri in care un agresor pastreaza controlul si puterea sunt urmatoarele :
1.frica.
2.abuz emotional
3.izolare
4.negare si vina
5.folosirea copiilor
6.intimidarea
7.controlul financiar
8.forta bruta si amenintarea
Mi s-a parut extrem de interesanta aceasta carte. Mi-a lamurit multe lucruri, si mi-a schimbat multe prejudecati. Principala fiind legata de intrebarea sau constatarea " dar de ce ramane femeia aceea in relatie?"
Pentru ca social, noi sau statul nu putem proteja o victimă. De cele mai multe ori.
"Victimele raman langa agresorii lor, pentru ca aleg sa traiasca".
Cand este vorba de omucidere, cele mai multe femei au fost ucise DUPA ce au plecat. Cand agresorii, in mintea lor, nu mai aveau nimic de pierdut.
Condamnam usor si fara compasiune. Nimeni nu isi doreste sa fie batut, amenintat , injurat. De cele mai multe ori, nu pleaca de frica. De frica agresorului care va deveni si mai violent cu obiectul posesiunii lui. Asta este o femeie pentru un astfel de barbat. Un obiect al lor. Rar o fiinta umana.
Romania are o mare problema legata de violenta domestica, si ea pare ca a escaladat in urma pandemiei -izolare,i probleme economice, rolul confuz al barbatului traditional. Tip " provide and protect". Si al sotiei lui - buretele frustrarilor sociale si financiare.
Un alt mesaj important este cel legat de stigma sociala, rusine si vina.
Nu victima este in neregula. Nu ea are o problema. Ci agresorul.
A fi victima abuzului domestic nu tine cont de varsta, rasa, educatie, profesie. Tine de noi, atunci cand normalizam o agresiune fizica sau verbala sau cand o negam si o ascundem sub pres.
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