Swim

by Eric C. Wat

Carson Chow is a high functioning addict. For years, he's been able to meet the increasing demands from his aging immigrant parents, while hiding his crystal meth use every other weekend. One Friday night, as he's passed out from a drug binge, he misses thirty-eight phone calls from his father, detailing first the collapse and eventually the death of his mother. Carson has always been close to his mother; he was the only person she confided in when his father had a one-night affair with her younger sister twenty years ago. For the following two weeks, he throws himself into the preparation of his mother's funeral, juggling between temptations and obligations. Sometimes slipping into relapse, his efforts are thwarted by a stoic father who is impractical and unable to take care of himself, a grandmother suffering dementia, a sister with a failing marriage, and a young niece with unknown trauma that can be triggered by the sound of running water. He tries to find support from his ex, Jeremy. Now clean and sober, Jeremy rebuffs him. As Carson assumes his mother's caregiving role, her secret resurfaces and now haunts him alone. Will this tragedy plunge him deeper into his abuse or finally rouse him from his addiction stupor?

Genres: Audiobook, LGBT, Queer, Contemporary, Fiction

272 pages, Hardcover

Published August 31, 2019

Reviews

[Hsinju Chen · Rating 5 out of 5]

genre   : literary fiction
MC      : 40yo gay Hongkongese American man
POV     : single 1st-person
location: San Gabriel Valley, CA, USA
indie?  : yes

This book blew me away. I didn’t know what to expect when I started SWIM. That it was queer and Asian sold it for me, no questions asked. And I got so much more out of it than I could ever have imagined.

At first glance, the story felt somewhat mundane, but I happen to love fiction that shows us people’s everyday lives, no matter how unexciting, so I loved it from the start. Sometimes, I needed to remind myself that this wasn’t a memoir, because Carson Chow (周遠和; 40, gay) speaking to me in first-person made it feel like one. His family immigrated to the US from Hong Kong when he was a child, and the nuances of an immigrant family are threaded throughout the storytelling.

“Turning thirty is like being twenty with money; turning forty is like being thirty and not caring what other people think.” — Carson

SWIM is Carson’s journey of making peace with the past and starting a new life after the passing of his mother. The whole story spans ten days or so, following Carson’s daily life as a high-functioning meth addict (but of course his family doesn’t know) and dealing with the aftermath of his mother’s sudden death (at 71). Since his mother was always the one who took care of everyone in the family, Carson steps in to fill in the role and tries to hold everything together now that she is gone. Or else who is going to make sure his po-po (almost 100) takes her meds and does her morning walks?

For now, we sit together, but we grieve, separately.

Carson’s family isn’t perfect: his father once had an affair with his aunt which his mother confided in him twenty years ago; his sister Jolee (~44) is having issues with her marriage, all the while navigating raising her adopted daughter Natalie (9) who finds running water triggering; his po-po who sometimes recognizes everyone but wails for her dead mother at sunset. And there is Carson. Carson who expertly hides his eight-year drug use from his family, who keeps trying to contact his ex-boyfriend Jeremy because he has no other friend, who shows his love of his family by being the “shrimp peeler”—the one who takes care of and cleans after everyone—after his mother’s death.

SWIM is ultimately a story about love, including its disappointment, forgiveness, and letting go. There were multiple flashbacks throughout the storytelling, where a specific trip to Toronto several months prior provided a glimpse of the whole family dynamics. Not everything gets resolved or explained in the end, and I love that, too. There is hope for the future as Carson learns more about his family and his own personal life, and that the passing of his mother is also potentially a new slate for him. And the way the characters interact brings so much life to them all. I also love that the Asian American experience is also crucial to the storytelling: the sense of community while Carson and his family are preparing for the funeral, the food Carson cooks for the family, the bilingual conversations (all written in English) within the family, etc.

I listened to SWIM at the exact right time. The story was conceived after Wat’s grandmother passed away, and everything suddenly hit very close to home when I lost my own grandmother halfway through the book. I will never forget the timing of this. And Feodor Chin’s narration is earnest and soothing and it felt like a friend telling you his life story. I loved every minute of it.

content warnings: death of parent, drug abuse (crystal meth), graphic masturbation, dui (drug), use of the word “handicapped” (for parking space), family member with dementia, death of family member with cancer, past cheating, consumption of other people’s prescription medicine, smoking (pot), public intoxication, depression, severe constipation, violence, schizophrenia, stealing

[PLANARIA PRICE · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disclaimer: A friend gave this to me and insisted I read it. Being a straight white woman “of a certain age” no way would I have chosen to read it as it is about a 40 year old Chinese American gay meth addict trying to deal with the sudden death of his mother, lovingly caring for his 99 year old demented grandmother, keeping the family together during the funeral preparations, etc. Lots of (interesting for me!) gay sex–but nothing shocking or unfeeling.....It is so brilliantly written...(sending his father to finalize the funeral arrangements) “it felt like I was sending a deaf man to buy a used piano.” and filled with tid bits of fascinating Chinese culture. “He lets his hands fall. ‘I miss you’ he says in English........It takes me a few seconds to take in the idea that he wasn't talking to me...He was talking to my dead mother.....There is no adequate translation of missing someone in Cantonese, no easy colloquium for the notion of not feeling whole. The closest is ‘I think about you’....He was compelled to express himself accurately and he chose to do it in his second language to get it right.....Those words broke my heart.”

I really felt love for the empathetic yet troubled Carson Chow and his whole family. I was surprised that I found all the characters to be likeable and relatable; even the dope dealer and a nasty supervisor. Bravo to this new young writer and looking forward to reading more of his work

Spoiler alert: SWIM has nothing to do with water. It means “Someone Who Isn’t Me” .Love it.

[Vince Leus · Rating 5 out of 5]

I believe that authenticity in a book is illustrated in small, nuanced ways. It can be seen and felt in the way a writer describes a person, an experience, a famly, or even a city. Eric Wat does this very well. This book is as much about drug use as it is about being queer, about being a Chinese American, about being an Angeleno, and about being a part of a family. I appreciate the way Wat talks about drug use and addiction in a way that isn't sensationalistic or hypersexualized. Swim is a great narrative example of "intersectionality," the ways in which we experience our different identities as one experience. As a gay Asian American man, I appreciated a real, raw, emotional story about a gay Asian American experience where his entire identity was not defined by his drug use, drug abuse, and mental well-being. Thanks for this, Eric.

[lauraღ · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is no other good translation of missing someone in Cantonese; no easy colloquium for the notion of not feeling whole. The closest is, ‘I think about you.’

A heart-breaking interrogation of addiction and grief, about a high-functioning drug user in the week following his mother's sudden passing. Deeply moving and really emotional, with little moments of levity. Carson is trying to fill the void his mother left, be there for everyone in this family, pick up the slack where his father is failing, all while convincing himself that he's managing his addiction to meth.

Books like this just mean a lot to me. First off for the exploration of grief, which, if done well, always strikes me to my core. Everyone handles death in different ways, and in Carson's dysfunctional family, there are all sorts. I really loved the bonds of the family, and how we see the way this death really tests their limits, with all the secrets, the tension, the expectations, how to deal with his grandmother's illness now that her primary caregiver is gone. Carson is dealing, but everything is so close to the surface, and I love how the book shows that, especially in his yearning interactions with his ex, and his strained relationship with his father. I spent so much of this book on the verge of tears. Another thing I loved is the way addiction and drug use were treated. I'm always just really grateful for books that discuss addiction like this: as a problem, an illness that you need to seek help for, but not something disgusting or dehumanising. It helped that this was from Carson's first person POV, and it was so easy to sympathise with him, even when he made mistakes.

Also, I wouldn't be me if I didn't mention language. I love stories about immigrant experiences and people who speak different languages and sometimes combine them. Dialects of English (especially those created by people of colour) are some of my favourite things to read about. This book didn't exactly have that, but there are several instances where characters speak a mix of Cantonese and English, or switch between the two languages, and the narrator will give his thoughts on why they do it and the reasons for the code-switching. I don't know, that's just always very interesting to me, and a lot of times it's emotionally insightful as well. I love seeing that in books.

Listened to the audiobook as read by Feodor Chin, who I already love as a voice actor, and his narration here just furthered that love. This was a really moving novel; gut-wrenching at times, but incredibly well-written. Definitely recommended.

Content warnings: multiple instances of drug use (meth), death of loved ones, discussion of cancer, dementia

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brilliant debut novel, one that I’ve been waiting to read for years. We need more stories with queer API protagonists, more stories with API users, voices that are not often portrayed in literature. Carson Chow, the novel’s main character, grapples with his mother’s death, complex relationship with his father, and family caregiving while he struggles with meth use. Often API users do not fit stereotypes of drug users and this novel illustrates the complexity of this---Carson holds a full-time job and maintains relationships with his extended family members while hiding the depths of his use. The author reminds us that people sometimes use for the pleasure that substances can bring and that drug use is not just a way to escape pain. What I especially appreciated about Swim is that the protagonist’s queerness is not presented as a barrier or as the centerpiece—Carson is simply a person, a complex character portrayed with multi-layered intricacies, who happens to be a gay man. The novel also has a strong sense of place, firmly rooted in the SGV, with references to local restaurants and landmarks. API queerness and API drug use is rarely written about in literature and I’m excited that this is starting to change. I look forward to Wat’s next book! And if you haven’t already read it, Wat is also the author of “The Making of a Gay Asian Community: An Oral History of Pre-AIDS Los Angeles,” a community memoir infused with Wat’s adept storytelling.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best books I've read all year. I thought the writing was absolutely superb--effortless in its prose about some of the greatest challenges of humanity. Here were a couple of my fav takeaways.

1. The main character is one that is usually under-represented, and is superbly well written--not pigeon-holed or type-cast. Carson is a late 30s/early 40s professionally successful Asian gay guy who likes to party. This world of his comes to an end when one of his immigrant parents, his mother, dies unexpectedly and he must return home to navigate a stressful maze of challenges. I contend SO many people can relate to this. You have your modern world you built, then your parents' well-being comes crashing onto the scene and everything changes.

2. His crystal meth use/addiction is ONE PART of his character. I am sick to death of authors writing about "addicts" in a way that always puts their struggles (and crimes, death, bad decisions, etc.) with addiction front and center, every time. SWIM is much more realistic. It doesn't minimize the influence of Carson's meth use/addiction; it simply positions Caron's drug use as it exists within his life, at different times in his life. You know, the way things actually work. It is an ELEMENT of his character, informing and informed BY his circumstances, mental health, and choices, instead of something that the character is reduced to. Great job Eric Wat.

3. I loved the stickiness/discomfort of the dynamic between Carson and his father. I think everyone has one parent they are closer to than the other, the one that makes the other parent tolerable. That was Carson's mother, and now she's died. Wat does a killer job of making that tension between Carson and his father one that the reader feels deeply via "ordinary" scenes of day to day passing of time while Carson is at his parent's house.

4. Finally, similar to my thoughts on Carson's drug use, I loved that Carson being gay was ONE PART of his character. This is a uniquely nuanced queer novel weaving together intergenerational immigrant families, interpersonal struggles, professional challenges, addiction challenges, and most of all, the heartbreaking labor that must follow a death in the family.

Very good. Definitely recommend.

[Wide Eyes, Big Ears! · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carson Chow has been a high-functioning meth addict for over a decade: he competently holds down a demanding job with a community organisation; he juggles the increasing demands of his ageing parents and grandmother; and he keeps his fellow-addict boyfriends at a distance ever since his long-term boyfriend decided to kick the habit and walk out of his life. While Carson tells himself he’s keeping his head above water, the sudden death of his mother puts an extra strain on him, his siblings, and his family and he finds himself struggling to stay afloat. This first-person drama was a nicely realised slice-of-life story with the cultural overlays of an Asian-American immigrant family. I really liked and sympathised with Carson. He is decent, yet beautifully flawed, and as each new wave of stress crashes over him, we watch him fight and flail with the secret temptation to take more drugs. While melancholic, this is ultimately a hopeful story but don’t expect it to end with a neatly tied bow. Actor Feodor Chin narrates the audio to perfection (currently free on the Audible Plus catalogue)!

[Sheila · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Eric C. Wat’s novel, Swim, high-functioning drug addict Carson Chow is fast approaching the point where he will either sink or swim. His mother’s dead. His grandmother needs him. His father seems estranged; his sister too. And it doesn’t help that marriage isn’t in the works, even though gays are less restricted now. It doesn’t help that his only relationships are with work, drugs and the current boyfriend, or that the boyfriend relationship is falling apart, or that the one boyfriend who might have been “the one” has moved on, or that Carson is still keeping his mother’s secret...

But swim means more than “sink or swim,” and this story of self-discovery takes its protagonist back into hurts, loves and memories, even as he tries to move forward and protect the interests of all those he cares for. On the way he’ll learn he’s both stronger and weaker than he thinks, and that others might love you truly, even when they don’t love you as you might wish.

Swim is a haunting story, powerfully describing the sensations and longings of addiction, the sensual details of the addicted body, and the needs of the addicted mind. It’s not an easy read. But Carson Chow is an oddly appealing 40-year-old protagonist, old enough to know better while still young enough to wonder why. Balanced between care for his aged grandmother and for his pre-teen niece, and between the various cultures that have shaped him, he struggles to find a path that might start to shine if he can only first find love.

“Swim,” it turns out, is not the only word with multiple meanings. “Love” has many meanings too, and surprising power in this uncompromising novel of unflinching detail and unvarnished, but hopeful reality.

Disclosure: I was given a preview edition and I love it.

[Skylerhayes · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded down. I really liked this book as much as I disliked it. My main critique of this book is the other characters. Our main character is fleshed out and feels real and alive. But all of the other characters just feel like proxies, satellites, like they only exist in the presence of our main character. Is this intentional due to our main characters drug use? What was the purpose of some of the characters? Was this character overly set up for success or redemption? It all plays out a little too easy, even the difficult situations. The believability and aliveness of this novel is there, but it’s papier-mâchéd over by something too clean cut. I really enjoyed the main character being Asian, speaking Cantonese, discussing LGBT issues and drug use from a new perspective I haven’t seen before. For that alone, it’s worth a read, but the reading experience was stilted.

[Michael Torra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love it. This novel grips you from the first pages as it draws you into one man's attempts to navigate family, loss, and romantic and sexual relationships, layered with the complications of being a drug user struggling to quit. The heaviness of life (caring for a loved one with dementia or strained sibling relations) is contrasted with the mundane (what am I going to pick up for dinner tonight?), to weave a story that is so real, so compelling, with surprising twists and turns along the way. While at first blush the protagonist is someone so entirely unlike me, the author succeeded at making me care, and ultimately understand him. I'm looking forward to what Eric Wat writes next!

[Zenobia Neil · Rating 5 out of 5]

SWIM is a fantastic debut! I loved reading about Carson Chow and his struggle to function, quit drugs and deal with deep family issues. I loved how different this book is from anything I've read before. It is also a tribute to the San Gabriel Valley of Southern California and as an Angelino, it was a treat to read so many fun descriptions. SWIM was like Hello, Vitamin and The Farwell only queer and with more drugs.
Warning: This book might make you hungry.

[Tona · Rating 5 out of 5]

I expected this book to focus mainly on the characters addiction but it is so much more. This story is about a man, his family and relationships. Carson is the main character and yes he’s a drug addict, but you can’t take away the fact that he’s a good man, a son, grandson, lover, etc. This is so beautifully written down to the smallest details of daily life with a little excitement mixed in. One of my favorite books this year.

[Ronie Reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nice insight to a family dynamic I hadn't read before.

[Billye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Multilayered Simplicity

Swim by Eric C. Wat caught me by surprise. I chose to listen to this book because an app recommended it to me, it had an interesting synopsis, I liked the cover art, and it was short. Then I heard the opening sequence which is explicit, gay sex. I was exasperated and sad. Why did the app recommend this book to me? However, the characters lived in places that I knew, and their culture and family were interesting to me, and so I kept reading.

I am torn about this because it is an excellent book that only got better as it went along and I would love for it to reach a much broader audience.

On the other hand, I am also very supportive of diversity in books and I understand the importance of amplifying many voices and their stories. It is also very important for more people to learn about addiction as it actually occurs in real life. Many addicts like the one in the book are highly functioning, especially in their careers.

The dichotomy between the main character’s life on his own and his life within his multigenerational family is the heart of the book and provides its richness and challenge.

The author clearly knows the San Gabriel Valley, Monterey Park and other areas of Southern California very well. I would recommend this book to readers who can perceive and enjoy nuisance, multidimensional intergenerational stories and for whom diverse stories resonate. I would not recommend this book to anyone who can’t see nuisance and I would also not recommend this book to anyone who is disturbed by explicit sex scenes.

The narration performance by Feodor Chin is excellent. His command of his voice and his ability to portray each of the characters strengthens and enhances the impact of the story.

Ultimately, I was glad I chose to listen to this book, because warts and all, it was a very humane story about the many forms of love and ultimately respect.

[Renee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a tender, heartbreaking story. I did not expect it to be as moving as it was. Carson, a gay Chinese immigrant, suddenly finds himself in his late mom's caregiving role, and it was really interesting to see the juxtaposition of him helping others navigate this loss even as he fails to smother his own demons.

Apparently SWIM is an acronym for "someone who isn't me," which I think encapsulates the trouble with addiction and the impossible expectations you and others place on yourself. Not only is Carson warped by his addiction — even as he convinces himself he's not an addict — but he's constantly fighting with his family's judgment.

This was a really enjoyable book that touches on intersectionality and centers around someone whose story isn't often seen or told. Definitely would recommend.

4/5 ⭐️

[Vy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! SWIM is both tender and unsentimental, and such a loving portrayal of a family and a community that we almost never see in published fiction - a multi-generational immigrant Chinese American family as seen from the perspective of a gay Asian American man living in San Gabriel Valley, CA. I really loved the main character, Carson Chow - a nonprofit worker (yay!), dutiful son, and high-functioning meth user who juggles the need for pleasure with complicated family and romantic relationships. Carson deals with grief and loss, all while driving through LA's distinct neighborhoods and eating good local food. Beautifully written, SWIM stayed with me for a long time after I finished the last page.

[Eugene Galt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This novel includes intertwined stories about the viewpoint character’s immigrant family and his substance abuse. The former provides interesting cultural insights and also provides representation without the common mistake of making representation the only story. The stories prompt the characters to take stock of their lives.

For those curious about the title, it refers to “someone who isn’t me,” which is another way of saying that you’re “asking for a friend.” It could also refer to the way the viewpoint character is sometimes a bystander in his own life until he takes ownership of it.

[Brad Secrest · Rating 5 out of 5]

The main character is a wonderfully flawed Chinese American man. He’s a 40 year old gay man that hasn’t found his forever love, but he has to deal with the unexpected and sudden death of his mother. It’s heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. Because the family grows as a unit to bury the mother. The most growth comes when the MC realizes he needs to work on himself and kick his drug habit.

Oh, and Pawpaw is adorable! She’s nearly 100 years old, and her battle with dementia is heartbreaking for the family to watch, but she perseveres. It’s a wonderfully written story that I highly recommend to anyone.

[Mrs. Danvers · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was interesting and sensitively told. Wat tells a story filled with truth -- truth about death of a family member, truth about the burden of aging relatives, including the specific burden of advocating for them with family members, truth about drug addiction and, over and over, truth about being disappointed by people and disappointing them in turn. But this is not trauma porn, there's no detail included merely for prurient purposes. I'm glad I read this.

Note -- The book title is SWIM, not Swim. SWIM is an acronym for "Someone Who Isn't Me."

[Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful story of a single man in his 40’s who has been a a high functioning recreational meth user for years. He’s lost his mother and is beginning to examine his life, his relationships, family and his drug use.

The focus is on interpersonal relationships and the effects of generational and cultural differences play in our development.

Well written and engaging, Swim left me feeling a little melancholy and yet hopeful.

[Carla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Carson was a functioning drug addict until one night he wasn't. He passed out and missed 38 calls from his father about his mother and the last call saying she was gone. He juggled a career and caring for his immigrant family all while doing meth.
He used his Exes voice mail as a diary and confessional. His Ex got sober but Carson continued to do drugs and is now trying to figure out how to clean up his act.
It was a good listen.

[Daftfader · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this book up as part of the Audible included bundle, and I am so happy I did. It is a perk inside a Chinese American family from the point of view of their drug addict son, as they arrange his mother's funeral.

Most first novels by an author have a bit of wish fulfillment or rough edges, none of which are in this book. It is just amazing.

[Robert Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not something I thought I would read. Very well written. Wonderful family drama. If you grew up in the San Gabriel Valley of California, you’ll love a lot of the references. Great book through and through.

[Joey · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a very nice story about a Chinese American Family who loses its matriarch.
however it is also a story shot through with very explicit scenes of gay sex and drug use. if you can get through the latter, you will find the former quite endearing.

[Sara Gerot · Rating 5 out of 5]

I realize that this will be a strange thing to say about book with a character who is struggling with the issues Carson is in the book, but this book was practically wholesome. It is the story of a family and what everyone owes to other. In all possible ways. Money, time, truths. Lovely book.

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brilliant debut novel, one that I’ve been waiting to read for years. We need more stories with queer API protagonists, more stories with API users, voices that are not often portrayed in literature. Carson Chow, the novel’s main character, grapples with his mother’s death, complex relationship with his father, and family caregiving while he struggles with meth use. Often API users do not fit stereotypes of drug users and this novel illustrates the complexity of this---Carson holds a full-time job and maintains relationships with his extended family members while hiding the depths of his use. The author reminds us that people sometimes use for the pleasure that substances can bring and that drug use is not just a way to escape pain. What I especially appreciated about Swim is that the protagonist’s queerness is not presented as a barrier or as the centerpiece—Carson is simply a person, a complex character portrayed with multi-layered intricacies, who happens to be a gay man. The novel also has a strong sense of place, firmly rooted in the SGV, with references to local restaurants and landmarks. API queerness and API drug use is rarely written about in literature and I’m excited that this is starting to change. I look forward to Wat’s next book! And if you haven’t already read it, Wat is also the author of “The Making of a Gay Asian Community: An Oral History of Pre-AIDS Los Angeles,” a community memoir infused with Wat’s adept storytelling.

[Gwenn Mangine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved all the nuance of this book. I loved the characters, I loved the story. I even loved the pain and the way the main character pressed into it. Absolutely great book.

[Beth Lind · Rating 4 out of 5]

This story of a gay Asian American addicted to meth who is dealing with the sudden death of his mother is a great reminder of the love and bond of family.

[Trigger Warning Database]

Trigger & Content Warnings

Substance addiction
Drug use & abuse
Depression
Schizophrenia
Relative with dementia
Cancer mentioned
Death of a parent

[Hidenzeke · Rating 3 out of 5]

Heavy. A little dark. Healing. Drug use and explicit sex.