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The AfterGrief: Finding Your Way Along the Long Arc of Loss
A validating new approach to the long-term grieving process that explains why we feel "stuck," why that's normal, and how shifting our perception of grief can help us grow--from the New York Times bestselling author of Motherless Daughters
Aren't you over it yet? Anyone who has experienced a major loss in their past knows this question. We've spent years fielding versions of it, both explicit and implied, from family, colleagues, acquaintances, and friends. We recognize the subtle cues--the slight eyebrow lift, the soft, startled "Oh! That long ago?"--from those who wonder how an event so far in the past can still occupy so much precious mental and emotional real estate
Because of the common but false assumption that grief should be time-limited, too many of us believe we're grieving "wrong" when sadness suddenly resurges sometimes months or even years after a loss. The AfterGrief explains that the death of a loved one isn't something most of us get over, get past, put down, or move beyond. Grief is not an emotion to pass through on the way to "feeling better." Instead, grief is in constant motion; it is tidal, easily and often reactivated by memories and sensory events, and is re-triggered as we experience life transitions, anniversaries, and other losses. Whether we want it to or not, grief gets folded into our developing identities, where it informs our thoughts, hopes, expectations, behaviors, and fears, and we inevitably carry it forward into everything that follows.
Drawing on her own encounters with the ripple effects of early loss, as well as on interviews with dozens of researchers, therapists, and regular people who've been bereaved, New York Times bestselling author Hope Edelman offers profound advice for reassessing loss and adjusting the stories we tell ourselves about its impact on our identities. With guidance for reframing a story of loss, finding equilibrium within it, and even experiencing renewed growth and purpose in its wake, she demonstrates that though grief is a lifelong process, it doesn't have to be a lifelong struggle.
Aren't you over it yet? Anyone who has experienced a major loss in their past knows this question. We've spent years fielding versions of it, both explicit and implied, from family, colleagues, acquaintances, and friends. We recognize the subtle cues--the slight eyebrow lift, the soft, startled "Oh! That long ago?"--from those who wonder how an event so far in the past can still occupy so much precious mental and emotional real estate
Because of the common but false assumption that grief should be time-limited, too many of us believe we're grieving "wrong" when sadness suddenly resurges sometimes months or even years after a loss. The AfterGrief explains that the death of a loved one isn't something most of us get over, get past, put down, or move beyond. Grief is not an emotion to pass through on the way to "feeling better." Instead, grief is in constant motion; it is tidal, easily and often reactivated by memories and sensory events, and is re-triggered as we experience life transitions, anniversaries, and other losses. Whether we want it to or not, grief gets folded into our developing identities, where it informs our thoughts, hopes, expectations, behaviors, and fears, and we inevitably carry it forward into everything that follows.
Drawing on her own encounters with the ripple effects of early loss, as well as on interviews with dozens of researchers, therapists, and regular people who've been bereaved, New York Times bestselling author Hope Edelman offers profound advice for reassessing loss and adjusting the stories we tell ourselves about its impact on our identities. With guidance for reframing a story of loss, finding equilibrium within it, and even experiencing renewed growth and purpose in its wake, she demonstrates that though grief is a lifelong process, it doesn't have to be a lifelong struggle.
320 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2020
141 people are currently reading
2939 people want to read
About the author
Hope Edelman
22 books237 followersHope Edelman is the internationally acclaimed author of eight nonfiction books, including the bestsellers Motherless Daughters and Motherless Mothers, as well as the upcoming book, The Aftergrief. She has lectured extensively on the subjects of early loss and also on nonfiction writing in the U.S., Canada, Australia, and New Zealand. Her articles and reviews have appeared in numerous publications, including the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Glamour, Child, Seventeen, Real Simple, Parents, Writer’s Digest, and Self, and her original essays have appeared in many anthologies. Her work has received a New York Times notable book of the year designation and a Pushcart Prize for creative nonfiction. She lives in Los Angeles and Iowa City, where she can be found every July teaching at the Iowa Summer Writing Festival.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews
November 29, 2020
Even if you didn't experience loss at a young age the majority of this book will resonate and remind you that what you're feeling is perfectly normal and many others feel the same way.
October 7, 2020
You don’t need to “get over it”.
It is profoundly reassuring to learn that there is no timeline to grief and loss. That there is no need to "get over it" and that the periodic reappearances of sadness and pain in my life due to losses that occurred as long as 35 years ago are not something to be ashamed of or feel bad about.
As Hope Edelman demonstrates in The AfterGrief, these feelings are normal and even expected.
In The AfterGrief Edelman explores how grief and loss can be revisited repeatedly over time, leading to new perspective and meaning. She does this by showing us how and why we need to continue the relationships and connections to our departed loved ones moving forward with us throughout our lives, over "the long arc of loss".
She carries us on this journey like a trusted friend. She shares her own personal experiences in addition to those of men and women she interviewed and experts in the field of grief. She demonstrates for us that although grief is a lifelong process, it does not need to be a lifelong struggle. That despite sadness, gratitude and joy are possible.
"And good will grow from all of it".
It is profoundly reassuring to learn that there is no timeline to grief and loss. That there is no need to "get over it" and that the periodic reappearances of sadness and pain in my life due to losses that occurred as long as 35 years ago are not something to be ashamed of or feel bad about.
As Hope Edelman demonstrates in The AfterGrief, these feelings are normal and even expected.
In The AfterGrief Edelman explores how grief and loss can be revisited repeatedly over time, leading to new perspective and meaning. She does this by showing us how and why we need to continue the relationships and connections to our departed loved ones moving forward with us throughout our lives, over "the long arc of loss".
She carries us on this journey like a trusted friend. She shares her own personal experiences in addition to those of men and women she interviewed and experts in the field of grief. She demonstrates for us that although grief is a lifelong process, it does not need to be a lifelong struggle. That despite sadness, gratitude and joy are possible.
"And good will grow from all of it".
December 12, 2024
Hope Edelman you will always be famous in this house.
September 12, 2020
Grief spikes. Staggered grief. Complicated grief. Grief, for decades, has been misunderstood. Especially for losses that happen in childhood, the after effects become reverberations in a person’s life. I was 6 when my mother was killed and I’ve had to construct the story of her death with bits and pieces from relatives (those that would talk about it) and my own research since my mother’s death was in the papers, resulted in a court case, and more. Complicated grief indeed.
In 1992, I read Hope Edelman’s book “Motherless Daughters” and was consoled to find that I was not alone. Someone else knew what I was experiencing. This book is like a cousin of Edelman’s first book. The research, interviews and new theory included are incredibly eye-opening and resonated with my experience. For people that have not followed grief theory/beliefs in relation to psychology and brain/body chemistry research strides, this book encapsulates it cohesively with concise and beautiful writing.
I highly recommend this book to early loss survivors (and their parents), social workers, therapists, teachers, psychologists and anyone else that has a possible connection to early loss. My only wish is that death by homicide was included more. But perhaps that’s a different book.
In 1992, I read Hope Edelman’s book “Motherless Daughters” and was consoled to find that I was not alone. Someone else knew what I was experiencing. This book is like a cousin of Edelman’s first book. The research, interviews and new theory included are incredibly eye-opening and resonated with my experience. For people that have not followed grief theory/beliefs in relation to psychology and brain/body chemistry research strides, this book encapsulates it cohesively with concise and beautiful writing.
I highly recommend this book to early loss survivors (and their parents), social workers, therapists, teachers, psychologists and anyone else that has a possible connection to early loss. My only wish is that death by homicide was included more. But perhaps that’s a different book.
October 6, 2020
Just like one of Hope's other books, "Motherless Daughters," I felt that she wrote certain parts of this book just for me. She talks about grief in such a real and relatable way that makes you realize you are not the only person in the world feeling the way that you do. This is such a relief! It gave me some "ah-ha" moments that allowed me to acknowledge how my loss has shaped me, and tools to work on breaking free from certain mindsets. This is a book that can be re-visited throughout your life as feelings of grief may surface in new and unexpected ways.
April 29, 2022
This was a very different book to Hope's Motherless Daughters as it is more all encompassing about living in a society that doesn't embrace talking about long term trauma especially with early, untimely, or violent loss. I highly recommend it to anyone who suffers long term grief trauma-- it really made me think about a few things from a different angle, particularly how I feel not physically as healthy as I ought to likely owed to holding in a lot of feelings. It did make me cry a lot. Perhaps wasn't the best audible to have on in the car but got through it.
May 21, 2024
So many times while listening to this book I found myself nodding and agreeing with the author and the stories she shared. Having all the different stories of different losses helped paint the picture of how grief is different for everyone. Our losses and what happens before and after shape our lives. I can see this in myself and others.
My own loss of my Dad in 2020 has changed me for the better and this book has helped explain why I feel this way. Thank you to all who shared their stories and thank you, Hope for sharing your story and your heart. This is amazing work.
My own loss of my Dad in 2020 has changed me for the better and this book has helped explain why I feel this way. Thank you to all who shared their stories and thank you, Hope for sharing your story and your heart. This is amazing work.
July 2, 2021
I've been reading this book for the past 6 months with my grief therapy group, and I've finally finished it, and also had the honor to meet the author in one of our group therapy sessions! There are very few books in my life that I would recommend to everyone, but I would really recommend this book to everyone, whether or not you have experienced loss in your life. Edelman is incredibly knowledgeable about grief, both from a personal perspective, and from a research perspective. As someone who is only at the beginning of her grief journey, I feel like this book made me feel validated. It gave me a way to verbalize my thoughts through words, statistics and other people's stories. I wouldn't recommend reading this book in one sitting, it's a lot, but I would read it at some point. The biggest thing I've learned from this book is the importance of listening to people's stories, without judgment. Every person is so different, which means that the way someone processes their grief is so different. I think the more we talk, and ask questions about other's stories, the better understanding we have of ourselves. Thank you to Hope for writing this book, and speaking up for so many people who are grieving.
September 12, 2020
This book is a must ready for ANYONE that has experienced a loss. Hope Edelman’s focus in the past has been on childhood or early adulthood loss - in particular mother loss. This book however covers not just mother loss but father, sibling, and other losses and how it impacts us years later. The book covers many years of research on how one is impacted and shows the similarities among us all. It also shares how experiencing grief can bring us purpose and meaning in our lives later. I recommend this book for someone that is trying to figure out why they are feeling the way they are feeling years later. Someone that has gone through a major loss a few years ago and now is ready to make sense of it all mentally and physically. This book is going to be one that many will refer to in the grief community for years to come. MUST READ!
January 25, 2021
Work can be a total refuge for grief. The author had so many passages I found interesting.
One of my favorites is: "A terrible disconnect exists between what the average person thinks grief should look and feel like -- typically, a series of progressive, time-limited stages that end in a state of closure -- and how grief, that artful dodger, actually behaves. This means a whole lot of people getting stuck in the gap between what they’ve been told to expect after someone dies and what they actually encounter when it happens."
There are obviously books on grieving but the message in this book, the author's ability to scale it, was so important and hit home for me.
If you would like to hear the author's interview, visit my site https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/hop...
One of my favorites is: "A terrible disconnect exists between what the average person thinks grief should look and feel like -- typically, a series of progressive, time-limited stages that end in a state of closure -- and how grief, that artful dodger, actually behaves. This means a whole lot of people getting stuck in the gap between what they’ve been told to expect after someone dies and what they actually encounter when it happens."
There are obviously books on grieving but the message in this book, the author's ability to scale it, was so important and hit home for me.
If you would like to hear the author's interview, visit my site https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/hop...
February 3, 2022
Actual rating: 3.5 stars
This book is a great read for anyone experiencing new or old grief and also for anyone who has a friend or family member who hast lost a loved one. All therapists and psychologists should also read this book.
I have read probably 13 other books on loss and grief and this is among my top 3 books. It is scoentific, it is research-based, it is modern and up-to-date, it includes all types of people from differwnt cultures and backgrounds.
The main problems I had with the book were that the writer talks too much about her own experience with grief and loss and almost turns the book into an autobiography, which is not why readers buy this book. Also, I didn’t like the second half of the book too much because she allocates too much time and space to what she calls story-telling. I wish this section had been more diverse and included other coping strategies and ideas like the rest of the book.
This book is a great read for anyone experiencing new or old grief and also for anyone who has a friend or family member who hast lost a loved one. All therapists and psychologists should also read this book.
I have read probably 13 other books on loss and grief and this is among my top 3 books. It is scoentific, it is research-based, it is modern and up-to-date, it includes all types of people from differwnt cultures and backgrounds.
The main problems I had with the book were that the writer talks too much about her own experience with grief and loss and almost turns the book into an autobiography, which is not why readers buy this book. Also, I didn’t like the second half of the book too much because she allocates too much time and space to what she calls story-telling. I wish this section had been more diverse and included other coping strategies and ideas like the rest of the book.
October 7, 2020
The After Grief by Hope Edelman is a powerful and poignant novel diving deep into the throws of grief. However, what sets it apart from other novels about grief, is the idea that there is no linear timeline when it comes to grieving a loved one.
Endelman addresses this long-lasting feeling so many people who have grieved a loss have experienced and calls it “the after grief”. The after grief is the idea that one never truly stops grieving, and more importantly, that this is okay and normal! She touches on the unrealistic societal norms people who are grieving are held to and the shame and detriment this can cause.
As someone who has lost both a mother and father at a young age, this book was especially important to me. So often I would tell myself, “Your too sensitive,” or “You should be over this by now.” However, Endelman tells us, instead of steadfastly holding on to this idea about what grieving is and isn’t, we must give ourselves permission and the opportunity to revisit our losses.
To anyone who has dealt with a significant loss, this is must read. If you are wondering if you are grieving properly-you are, because as this book suggests, there is no proper way to grieve. Grief is not meant to be soldiered through. It is messy and recurring. We are not meant to leave our loved ones behind, but instead find ways to carry them with us.
Endelman addresses this long-lasting feeling so many people who have grieved a loss have experienced and calls it “the after grief”. The after grief is the idea that one never truly stops grieving, and more importantly, that this is okay and normal! She touches on the unrealistic societal norms people who are grieving are held to and the shame and detriment this can cause.
As someone who has lost both a mother and father at a young age, this book was especially important to me. So often I would tell myself, “Your too sensitive,” or “You should be over this by now.” However, Endelman tells us, instead of steadfastly holding on to this idea about what grieving is and isn’t, we must give ourselves permission and the opportunity to revisit our losses.
To anyone who has dealt with a significant loss, this is must read. If you are wondering if you are grieving properly-you are, because as this book suggests, there is no proper way to grieve. Grief is not meant to be soldiered through. It is messy and recurring. We are not meant to leave our loved ones behind, but instead find ways to carry them with us.
November 8, 2021
I’m pretty floored by this book. I read a lot on grief to find books to pass on to my counseling clients and this feels like the book I’ve been trying to find for years. There are so many books about the immediate aftermath of loss, and they are useful, but this focuses on the continued grief that persists for years after a death.
It weaves together a clear argument that the Kübler-Ross Five Stages of Grief model is old, incorrectly applied research that is often harmful to processing grief. It provides a clear path forward with multiple new models of grief that can speak to each bereaved individual’s needs as they read it. It places a premium on the importance of revising a personal narrative that incorporates the story of your grief into your life that can create and provide meaning from the loss experienced.
It’s accessible, it’s nuanced, and above all empathetic. I’m excited to incorporate it into my grief and trauma work.
It weaves together a clear argument that the Kübler-Ross Five Stages of Grief model is old, incorrectly applied research that is often harmful to processing grief. It provides a clear path forward with multiple new models of grief that can speak to each bereaved individual’s needs as they read it. It places a premium on the importance of revising a personal narrative that incorporates the story of your grief into your life that can create and provide meaning from the loss experienced.
It’s accessible, it’s nuanced, and above all empathetic. I’m excited to incorporate it into my grief and trauma work.
September 30, 2021
Must read if you are experiencing grief in any form. Grief will always be there. It might ebb and flow, and the most important thing is to go with it and make sense out of it to give it meaning, and to integrate the loss into the story of your life. This book gives you the tools to do that and explains more about the grieving process.
July 23, 2022
Hope Edelman is this new era of grief work’s Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. How lucky we all are - grievers and those who love us - to have her creating this space.
December 23, 2020
Was very focused on people who lost their parents at a young age so was not 100% what I was looking for, but at the same time, gleaned a lot of good information about grief many years later.
October 5, 2020
"Once you've discovered that human existence is a time-limited arrangement and for some that time will be short, you can't not know this ever again." My mother died when I was 11 years of age and the impacts of her loss have lived with me through the decades. I have been very excited about the release of this book having read several of Hope's other works. Often throughout The Aftergrief I highlighted and underlined passages that struck me or were relatable to my personal experience, such as the above quote. There were so many. The Aftergrief, while packed with considerable knowledge and insights about the long arc of loss, is an easy and pleasant read. By quoting many experts in the field of bereavement and conducting extensive interviews with people who experienced grief in the past, the author shows us the various ways grief can surprise us, guide us, upset us and possibly even help us, as we make our way in life following a significant loss.
May 6, 2021
Having lost my Mom last year, I picked this one up with hope of some comfort. I definitely found it and I finished this in about a day. I would recommend this to anyone who learning to cope with loss.
December 29, 2020
This book was recommended by Heather, who shared it with our book club, as she knows the author and has participated in some of her motherless daughter's groups. Actually had put it on hold in October and got it near the middle of November just started it the first week in December and couldn't renew it--b/c it was on hold...but I kept it for a few days after the due date to finish it--and it was worth it. I was intrigued that she wrote the last 100 pages during Covid and acknowledged the grief within the election process in the US--and I made connections to my own father's brain biopsy on inauguration day 4 years ago...and those things are so intertwined or the demise of my dad's health and the health of our country...from my perspective. It's been a tough 4 years. I also was struck by the connections to grief for children and the infant mental health work that we do, realated to memories and reconnecting with loss and death; as we approach those ages or our kids approach the ages we were when we lost someone. Probably a book that would be worth purchasing to reread and get additional things the next read. Also shared the book title with my Death Buddies for Life...and my mom's friend Mary recommended it to me as well. All kinds of interconnections and interesting that this book and Burnout I put on hold about the same time....Brene' Brown interviewed the twin sisters that wrote that book, and only a short way into that as well, and they talk about completing the stress cycle and finding support, etc....lots of rich information sure.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 14, 2020
When you lose someone close to you, you seek books that can comfort you and give you insight to the chaos that is happening inside of you. How can a huge part of your life just cease to exist in a single moment? When I lost my mama seven years ago, I could not understand how people could continue on with their lives. But as distance has separated that painful loss from my immediate thoughts, I understand a little bit better. I would still do anything to be able to change the way my life looks now, but the pain is not as raw as it once was.
I believe a lot of that perspective is because of Hope Edelman's work. She is one of the foremost grief experts and I found just as much solace in this book as I did her previous one (Motherless Daughters). I especially think this book has great value for those whose loss is more recent...when you feel like you're in the middle of an ocean and you're just looking for someone to throw you a life vest.
Unfortunately, every single one of us will feel the effects of grief at some point in our lives. Thank goodness for the pioneers in this field who have done the research and then have provided us with the information so that we may navigate the tough road of loss. This book should be added to anyone's library who is struggling with grief.
I believe a lot of that perspective is because of Hope Edelman's work. She is one of the foremost grief experts and I found just as much solace in this book as I did her previous one (Motherless Daughters). I especially think this book has great value for those whose loss is more recent...when you feel like you're in the middle of an ocean and you're just looking for someone to throw you a life vest.
Unfortunately, every single one of us will feel the effects of grief at some point in our lives. Thank goodness for the pioneers in this field who have done the research and then have provided us with the information so that we may navigate the tough road of loss. This book should be added to anyone's library who is struggling with grief.
September 7, 2021
This book is such an important contribution to the field of grief work. After years of being told that healing after a loss meant "moving on" by making your way through the stages of grief until you finally "got over it" Edelman offers a compassionate new understanding of grief. Whether you've lost someone recently or years ago, this book will be a comfort and a pathway to healing.
Read
August 8, 2023Took me quite a while to read. The theories about moving forward with attachment were very helpful to me.
February 7, 2023
There isn’t a lot of crazy new information from Edelman’s other books, but I do love the take that grief is a constant cycle. The second half of the book felt like more stories. 5 for first half, 3 for second half.
Notes:
• The after grief - After you get “used to” the death
• Grief used to be incredibly public, but with the mass death of WWII and flu without bodies and able to gather lead to our current more “private” grieving
• Stages of grief in 1979 - only 5, but it never truly ends after the 5 - they’re actually the 5 stages of dying
• Types of grief
- Cyclical grief - anniversaries of death, birthdays, fathers/Mother’s Day, weddings, etc
* A CYCLE - most people think first anniversary’s intensity is normal, but are surprised by the intensity of the second
- Sneak Attacks - sounds, smells, interactions that remind
• Account making or death reenactment story - running through the details (people, place, thing) to walk through what you will tell others
- Power in sharing your story
- Importance of journaling to recount your story - reframing helps students “self-regulate”, better immune system for up to 6 weeks after
• The difficulty to have a lack of memories around a person lost
- Caregivers who reiterate memories (“remember when…?”) often help young children remember memories from a younger age
- It’s also important to note that we puzzle together memories from other people’s accounts and pieces of our own, no matter how true or untrue
- Constantly thinking about/trying to piece together the story can lead to increased depression and intrusive thoughts
• Magical Thinking - cognitive distortion that your actions/beliefs/thoughts affect the outside world, often common when dealing with young children & grief
• Shock vs. strain trauma (one time event vs prolonged death)
• Activity: line down the paper, one side before death and one after. List traits/events/behaviors/labels of self on each side - note what has changed; note what has stayed. What has stayed is ✨you✨
Notes:
• The after grief - After you get “used to” the death
• Grief used to be incredibly public, but with the mass death of WWII and flu without bodies and able to gather lead to our current more “private” grieving
• Stages of grief in 1979 - only 5, but it never truly ends after the 5 - they’re actually the 5 stages of dying
• Types of grief
- Cyclical grief - anniversaries of death, birthdays, fathers/Mother’s Day, weddings, etc
* A CYCLE - most people think first anniversary’s intensity is normal, but are surprised by the intensity of the second
- Sneak Attacks - sounds, smells, interactions that remind
• Account making or death reenactment story - running through the details (people, place, thing) to walk through what you will tell others
- Power in sharing your story
- Importance of journaling to recount your story - reframing helps students “self-regulate”, better immune system for up to 6 weeks after
• The difficulty to have a lack of memories around a person lost
- Caregivers who reiterate memories (“remember when…?”) often help young children remember memories from a younger age
- It’s also important to note that we puzzle together memories from other people’s accounts and pieces of our own, no matter how true or untrue
- Constantly thinking about/trying to piece together the story can lead to increased depression and intrusive thoughts
• Magical Thinking - cognitive distortion that your actions/beliefs/thoughts affect the outside world, often common when dealing with young children & grief
• Shock vs. strain trauma (one time event vs prolonged death)
• Activity: line down the paper, one side before death and one after. List traits/events/behaviors/labels of self on each side - note what has changed; note what has stayed. What has stayed is ✨you✨
October 9, 2020
A big thank you to @penguinrandomhouse and @netgalley for the free ebook ARC of this one!
The After Grief by Hope Edelman
This book is nonfiction, written to address the decades of misconceptions about the so called “process” and “5 stages” of grief. Edelman explains the history of that term (it was originally only applied to patients who were dying and accepting that fate) and how American culture co-opted the stages to apply to grief, which in turn led to our society suppressing and not really learning how to mourn and grieve in a way that was healthy.
This book focuses on those who lost close relatives at a young age and addresses the long-lasting feelings that many who have been without their loved one for decades which she terms “the after grief,” and posits that we never will stop grieving these losses but that it is healthy and okay to feel this way. She addresses how instead of shaming mourners for this continued grief, that society should instead embrace continued grieving. She discusses the shame and detrimental physical and mental consequences this belief can have on people and argues that it is unrealistic to ever “get over” our grief
This book was particularly relevant to me.
I lost my little brother earlier this year, approximately 10 months ago. To me, my grief feels so recent and raw, and I had been coping with my inability to just “get back to normal” and but after reading this book, I have found comfort and reassurance in the fact that there is no set grieving process. I’ve learned that no matter how many months and years will pass after losing my brother, that it is okay and normal to continue to grieve his passing.
To say this was a hard read is an understatement. I had to put down this book so many times, to keep myself from losing it and to just sit with my grief. I hope to be less hard on myself and to no longer hold myself to society’s standards about processing and living with my grief. This book is a great tool for those who are grieving, no matter how long it’s been since your loss, and I would recommend this to every grieving person as a must-read.
The After Grief by Hope Edelman
This book is nonfiction, written to address the decades of misconceptions about the so called “process” and “5 stages” of grief. Edelman explains the history of that term (it was originally only applied to patients who were dying and accepting that fate) and how American culture co-opted the stages to apply to grief, which in turn led to our society suppressing and not really learning how to mourn and grieve in a way that was healthy.
This book focuses on those who lost close relatives at a young age and addresses the long-lasting feelings that many who have been without their loved one for decades which she terms “the after grief,” and posits that we never will stop grieving these losses but that it is healthy and okay to feel this way. She addresses how instead of shaming mourners for this continued grief, that society should instead embrace continued grieving. She discusses the shame and detrimental physical and mental consequences this belief can have on people and argues that it is unrealistic to ever “get over” our grief
This book was particularly relevant to me.
I lost my little brother earlier this year, approximately 10 months ago. To me, my grief feels so recent and raw, and I had been coping with my inability to just “get back to normal” and but after reading this book, I have found comfort and reassurance in the fact that there is no set grieving process. I’ve learned that no matter how many months and years will pass after losing my brother, that it is okay and normal to continue to grieve his passing.
To say this was a hard read is an understatement. I had to put down this book so many times, to keep myself from losing it and to just sit with my grief. I hope to be less hard on myself and to no longer hold myself to society’s standards about processing and living with my grief. This book is a great tool for those who are grieving, no matter how long it’s been since your loss, and I would recommend this to every grieving person as a must-read.
October 7, 2020
Hope Edelman has, again, managed to create a book that leaves me feeling validated, accepted, and normal. She GETS grief and writes in a style that weaves together research, theory, and cultural history with stories from those interviewed to illustrate what something might look like in practice. I found myself nodding along, feeling a kinship with people I've never met, and recognizing a comfort in that connection.
Edelman gives names to so much of what I've experienced and felt over the decades I've struggled to deal with the losses of my mom and her parents who helped raise me. In defining "the aftergrief" as "the part that comes after the most painful moments of grief and extends for the rest of your life," she clarifies what many of us already know: our grief is not time-bound or something to get over. That said, it isn't the whole of who we are and we can find healthy ways to move through life WITH our grief instead of being focused on leaving it in the past (or hiding from others the fact that we haven't).
I felt "stuck" for a long time. I thought I'd done it wrong and I didn't know how to fix it. I felt judged and broken. If anything, this book has given me further evidence that I'm normal. I am hopeful that this book, especially coming out in a time marked by so much grief, will be a significant component in shaping new conversations around grief in Western culture.
Edelman gives names to so much of what I've experienced and felt over the decades I've struggled to deal with the losses of my mom and her parents who helped raise me. In defining "the aftergrief" as "the part that comes after the most painful moments of grief and extends for the rest of your life," she clarifies what many of us already know: our grief is not time-bound or something to get over. That said, it isn't the whole of who we are and we can find healthy ways to move through life WITH our grief instead of being focused on leaving it in the past (or hiding from others the fact that we haven't).
I felt "stuck" for a long time. I thought I'd done it wrong and I didn't know how to fix it. I felt judged and broken. If anything, this book has given me further evidence that I'm normal. I am hopeful that this book, especially coming out in a time marked by so much grief, will be a significant component in shaping new conversations around grief in Western culture.
October 27, 2025
This book can serve as a release for those who’ve lost loved ones but have never gotten over it. Why? Because no one gets over it. The so-called “Five steps of Grief” ending in acceptance is a ruse. A piece of misplaced scholarship that had nothing to do with the loss of loved ones. Author Edelman, who as a teenager lost her mother, researched the issue of grief only to find, “The real secret, I would learn only much later, was that those five stages had never been meant for me. Initially, they’d never been meant for anyone grieving the loss of a loved one. They were the stages that Dr. Kubler-Ross observed among terminally ill patients at Billings Hospital in Chicago as they approached the endpoint of their own lives.” The Five Stages are those we feel when we are about to die, not when someone we love does. Not only did this association error get picked up by mainstream media, but it also got adopted by psychoanalysts, psychologists, and faith healers. It’s now Gospel, and yet, it ain’t so.
January 13, 2021
I was introduced to Hope’s grief journey in her book ‘Motherless Daughters.’ ‘The Aftergrief’ continues her personal narrative of deep loss built on the foundation of grief research and other’s stories. Although there are parts of the book that are academic and difficult to wade through I will recommend it to everyone I love who is trying to move through the traditional Kubler-Ross stages of grief.
“The Aftergrief-until now, under appreciated, underreported and largely misunderstood-is where the questions ‘What next?’ begin to be answered. It’s where we continuously recalibrate our perceptions of past events, refresh our inner relationships with the deceased, and reconsider the meanings we attach to the loss. The Aftergrief is where we learn to live with a central paradox of bereavement: that a loss can recede in time yet remain so exquisitely present...”
“The Aftergrief-until now, under appreciated, underreported and largely misunderstood-is where the questions ‘What next?’ begin to be answered. It’s where we continuously recalibrate our perceptions of past events, refresh our inner relationships with the deceased, and reconsider the meanings we attach to the loss. The Aftergrief is where we learn to live with a central paradox of bereavement: that a loss can recede in time yet remain so exquisitely present...”
March 17, 2021
The Aftergrief is by Hope Edelman who also wrote Motherless Daughters. This book is about all kinds of loss and grief. It focuses on grief after time has passed. I led a discussion group that met over 4 sessions to discuss this book. Overall we found it insightful and interesting but emotionally draining. It starts with a historical account of how people processed grief. This book describes many psychological and sociological theories in relation to grief. There is also a focus on narrative and storytelling. Interwoven with all of the theory are stories of people and their grief. Edelman uses lots of examples of people who had losses as children. However there are other losses as well.
I would recommend this to those who would like to read a review of ideas and theories related to grief and in particular grief related to children.
I would recommend this to those who would like to read a review of ideas and theories related to grief and in particular grief related to children.
September 8, 2021
I love this book. I love this book for anyone who has lost someone important to them. I love this book for anyone who has lost anything important to them - home, job, pet. I love this book for anyone grieving or who has experienced grief. I love this book for anyone who knows someone who is grieving or who has grieved. I love this book for writers, for storytellers of any kind. I love this book for anyone looking to heal from any kind of trauma - past or present. I love this book for its tenderness, its intelligence, its thoughtfulness, and frankly, its love for everyone who might pick it up and read it. I learned more about myself reading this book than I did in like 6 months of therapy. And, I laughed, because life is filled with humor, especially in the darkest of times.
November 18, 2021
This book has helped me so much in starting to understand the sudden loss of my partner of 36 years at the age of 60 literally overnight. Although much of the book is focused on loss as a child it still holds something for anyone who is in the long arc of loss. I found so many paragraphs that resonated with me, in fact so many one that stands out is attributed to Haruki Murakami likening loss to a storm and that is what grief is like I don't feel I will ever be the same person. I refer to the final pages frequently especially the prayer of life and that one day my grief will be less of a burden and look so different from there.
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