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Fragile Power: Why Having Everything Is Never Enough; Lessons from Treating the Wealthy and Famous
A revealing exploration of people whose wealth, fame, beauty, or social status grant them immense power. As an aspirational culture, we celebrate and idolize the rare few who appear to have it all. But is it possible to have everything and nothing at the same time? Influential therapist Dr. Paul Hokemeyer reveals how--regardless of who we are or what we attain--we are all people who experience emotional pain, shame, and suffering. By understanding and evolving how we project onto those we put on a pedestal, we can reset how we see ourselves, relate to others, and build on the true power of connection with each other.
With this work, “Dr. Paul” sets out to reveal our shared human challenges and expand our feelings of empathy. Having treated and built therapeutic alliances with some of the world’s most successful people, he demonstrates that we all—including people who seem protected by their gilded, privileged lives—can experience the self-destructive behaviors common to modern life, including substance use disorders and addiction, imposter syndrome, infidelity, narcissism, and negative body image.
Division marks our era. There is a growing divide between the haves and have nots, men and women, as well as the empowered and the powerless. At the same time, the idolization of celebrity, affluence, and power marks our culture. While we like to think that our lives would be better if we could just “have what they have” or “be more like” someone else, it’s time to realize that we’re all connected by the things that make us human, which includes emotional pain.
Power is not only accompanied by upsides; there are downsides to wealth and attainment as well. External success and attainment do not prevent problems; but our biases and preconceived notions do prevent us from empathizing with people different from ourselves. By revealing what we share, we take down the walls that we’ve built between ourselves. Building a shared sense of social empathy, we take an important step away from division and toward a culture of connection.
With this work, “Dr. Paul” sets out to reveal our shared human challenges and expand our feelings of empathy. Having treated and built therapeutic alliances with some of the world’s most successful people, he demonstrates that we all—including people who seem protected by their gilded, privileged lives—can experience the self-destructive behaviors common to modern life, including substance use disorders and addiction, imposter syndrome, infidelity, narcissism, and negative body image.
Division marks our era. There is a growing divide between the haves and have nots, men and women, as well as the empowered and the powerless. At the same time, the idolization of celebrity, affluence, and power marks our culture. While we like to think that our lives would be better if we could just “have what they have” or “be more like” someone else, it’s time to realize that we’re all connected by the things that make us human, which includes emotional pain.
Power is not only accompanied by upsides; there are downsides to wealth and attainment as well. External success and attainment do not prevent problems; but our biases and preconceived notions do prevent us from empathizing with people different from ourselves. By revealing what we share, we take down the walls that we’ve built between ourselves. Building a shared sense of social empathy, we take an important step away from division and toward a culture of connection.
- GenresPsychology
220 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 8, 2019
22 people are currently reading
208 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
December 23, 2019
About 1/3 of the way in and I'm exhausted. I completely understand the construct that no matter how much money we make we all have issues. *Big news flash- money doesn't solve our problems nor does it buy us happiness! And often being incredibly wealthy actually leads to more issues related to isolation, lack of connection, etc. I get it, I got it and a chapter in I was already done being drilled and judged because we don't show enough empathy to those who are famous and extremely wealthy. Perhaps we should just say that all humans need a little love in their life and we are all battling our own issues.
Also, the internal dialogue of insecurity by the author along with his calming breaths pushed me over the edge. Ha!
Also, the internal dialogue of insecurity by the author along with his calming breaths pushed me over the edge. Ha!
October 7, 2020
Thank you to Dr Paul Hokemeyer, who gifted me a copy of his book 𝚏𝚛𝚊𝚐𝚒𝚕𝚎 𝚙𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛 in exchange for an honest review.
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𝙴𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎, 𝚛𝚎𝚐𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚌 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚖, 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚟𝚊𝚕𝚞𝚎𝚍 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚍𝚎𝚒𝚏𝚒𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚛 𝚍𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚗𝚒𝚣𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝚊𝚗 𝚘𝚋𝚓𝚎𝚌𝚝
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I have to admit, I was very pleasantly surprised by this book. Not because I had any prior knowledge of Dr Paul's work, or because I had any particular expectations of the book itself, but because it made me reflect on my own inherent biases.
Some of the opinions I have formed over the years of my life have certainly come from personal experience, and so I don't always think my views are wrong, but it's so easy to dismiss mental health problems or other specific issues that 'the wealthy and famous' may be facing by telling ourselves they are privileged so can deal with it, or that they chose this life so should have recognised what they were getting themselves into.
The introduction to the book makes reference to Demi Lovato, but over recent years it has become very apparent that fame and wealth isn't all it appears to be, with numerous stars being treated as commodities by those who should be seeking to protect them (e.g. Britney and K$sha to name a few).
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𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚗 𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚌 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚍... 𝙰𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚙𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜𝚘𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚟𝚎𝚜. 𝚆𝚎 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚏 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚙𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚗 𝚛𝚎𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝚟𝚞𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜
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I enjoyed the structure of the book, and found it to be honest and candid. By sharing his own vulnerabilities, and acknowledging his own privileges (which is not easy for everyone), as well as sharing anonymised anecdotes from his career, Dr Paul takes the reader on a journey of empathy and understanding.
There are key chapters throughout the book and key themes that are depicted in relation to the wealthy and famous (or 'elite') primarily, but that are relevant to all human beings by virtue if our humanness.
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𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚎'𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝'𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚜𝚗'𝚝... 𝚄𝚗𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚞𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚒𝚗 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚖𝚘𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚗 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍, 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚌𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛
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I feel fragile power to be very timely and very relevant in the current climate. There can be no doubt that social media, and news media, all have an impact on our beliefs and values. But with us all being so busy going about our lives, we don't often stop to question why certain people are villiefied in the media while others are celebrated, or to wonder why we can be incredibly outraged at something that is no longer a talking point 5 minutes later.
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𝙸𝚗 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚋𝚊𝚕, 𝚑𝚒𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚛𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚕, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚊𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚕 𝚜𝚘𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚝𝚢, 𝚠𝚎'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚌𝚌𝚞𝚕𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚔 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚖𝚙𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚛 𝚟𝚊𝚕𝚞𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚘𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚝𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚙𝚞𝚜𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚋𝚎. 𝚃𝚘 𝚍𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜, 𝚠𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚍𝚞𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚕𝚊𝚋𝚎𝚕, 𝚊 𝚕𝚊𝚋𝚎𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚜 𝚞𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛. 𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚊 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚍𝚒𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚍 𝚙𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛, 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚜𝚎 𝚕𝚊𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚕𝚞𝚍𝚎 𝚕𝚊𝚣𝚢, 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚏𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚙𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚝, 𝚊𝚗𝚍, 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎, 𝚒𝚖𝚖𝚒𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚝
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Dr Paul is clearly very attuned to the current political climate, as well as understanding the systemic structures of the powerful, and the powerless.
His book does not seek to encourage specific sympathies in the reader for the wealthy and powerful - certainly no more so than for any other group of individuals - instead, it seeks to encourage genuine empathy, kindness and to act from a place of compassion where we can.
This is an incredibly important reminder in my opinion. It is easy to be arrogant and think we already know this, and already understand this lesson, but when we see the hashtag 'BeKind' being used as a trend, followed by a reversion back to trolling and meanness (particularly prevalent online), it is worth reminding ourselves regularly to genuinely be kind.
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𝙷𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗. 𝚆𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚍. 𝚆𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔. 𝚆𝚎 𝚖𝚊𝚢 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚠𝚎'𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚐𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚌𝚔, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚞𝚛𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚌𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎𝚜
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I do still believe that the primary focus of energy, change and compassion should be aimed at groups or individuals who have been dismissed, ignored, or for whom being powerless has left them without resources and support that they sorely need.
I think there is a lot of work to be done to ensure people at the lower end of the wealth spectrum have a fair chance at a happy life, but I do think there is a lot of value in Dr Paul's book, and would definitely recommend it to anyone interested in psychology.
𝐐&𝐀 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐃𝐫 𝐏𝐚𝐮𝐥
1. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐚𝐩𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐜𝐞𝐝 𝐝𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐯𝐞. 𝐃𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐥 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞? (𝐀𝐬 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐥 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞. 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 - 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐮𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞'𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐬, 𝐩𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐭𝐨𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐬𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧).
You and I are singing from the same hymnal when it comes to cancel culture. Interestingly, I never thought of it in the context of the ‘hunter-gatherer” and hierarchical nature of human beings that I write about in Fragile Power. I think cancel culture is better analyzed within the psychodynamic construct of ‘splitting’. Splitting is a psychological defense wherein we compulsively sort things into absolute categories of good and bad, or metaphorically – black and white. When we are confronted with information that insults or threatens our paradigm of being, our limbic system kicks in, completely overrides our rational brain, and obliterates the data we perceive as bad. That’s why cancel culture is so extreme and hostile. It’s goal is to annihilate rather than understand.
2. 𝐀 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐣𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬/𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬. 𝐃𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞, 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬? 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐞𝐱𝐚𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.
The differentiation that occurs between generations is valuable in that it’s regenerative. It enables our human race to adapt and evolve. At the core of the adaptation is the instinctual call to nurture and protect future generations. In our modern zeitgeist, millennials are defining success in terms of quality of life experiences. They see how consumption has led to the destruction of our natural world and the dehumanizing of disempowered people. As a mental health professional and father figure to many, I applaud their recalibration.
Continued in comments...
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𝙴𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎, 𝚛𝚎𝚐𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚌 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚖, 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚟𝚊𝚕𝚞𝚎𝚍 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚍𝚎𝚒𝚏𝚒𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚛 𝚍𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚗𝚒𝚣𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝚊𝚗 𝚘𝚋𝚓𝚎𝚌𝚝
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I have to admit, I was very pleasantly surprised by this book. Not because I had any prior knowledge of Dr Paul's work, or because I had any particular expectations of the book itself, but because it made me reflect on my own inherent biases.
Some of the opinions I have formed over the years of my life have certainly come from personal experience, and so I don't always think my views are wrong, but it's so easy to dismiss mental health problems or other specific issues that 'the wealthy and famous' may be facing by telling ourselves they are privileged so can deal with it, or that they chose this life so should have recognised what they were getting themselves into.
The introduction to the book makes reference to Demi Lovato, but over recent years it has become very apparent that fame and wealth isn't all it appears to be, with numerous stars being treated as commodities by those who should be seeking to protect them (e.g. Britney and K$sha to name a few).
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𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚗 𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚌 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚍... 𝙰𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚙𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜𝚘𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚟𝚎𝚜. 𝚆𝚎 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚏 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚙𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚗 𝚛𝚎𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝚟𝚞𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜
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I enjoyed the structure of the book, and found it to be honest and candid. By sharing his own vulnerabilities, and acknowledging his own privileges (which is not easy for everyone), as well as sharing anonymised anecdotes from his career, Dr Paul takes the reader on a journey of empathy and understanding.
There are key chapters throughout the book and key themes that are depicted in relation to the wealthy and famous (or 'elite') primarily, but that are relevant to all human beings by virtue if our humanness.
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𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚎'𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝'𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚜𝚗'𝚝... 𝚄𝚗𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚞𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚒𝚗 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚖𝚘𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚗 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍, 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚌𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛
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I feel fragile power to be very timely and very relevant in the current climate. There can be no doubt that social media, and news media, all have an impact on our beliefs and values. But with us all being so busy going about our lives, we don't often stop to question why certain people are villiefied in the media while others are celebrated, or to wonder why we can be incredibly outraged at something that is no longer a talking point 5 minutes later.
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𝙸𝚗 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚋𝚊𝚕, 𝚑𝚒𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚛𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚕, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚊𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚕 𝚜𝚘𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚝𝚢, 𝚠𝚎'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚌𝚌𝚞𝚕𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚔 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚖𝚙𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚛 𝚟𝚊𝚕𝚞𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚘𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚝𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚙𝚞𝚜𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚋𝚎. 𝚃𝚘 𝚍𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜, 𝚠𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚍𝚞𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚕𝚊𝚋𝚎𝚕, 𝚊 𝚕𝚊𝚋𝚎𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚜 𝚞𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛. 𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚊 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚍𝚒𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚍 𝚙𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛, 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚜𝚎 𝚕𝚊𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚕𝚞𝚍𝚎 𝚕𝚊𝚣𝚢, 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚏𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚙𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚝, 𝚊𝚗𝚍, 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎, 𝚒𝚖𝚖𝚒𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚝
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Dr Paul is clearly very attuned to the current political climate, as well as understanding the systemic structures of the powerful, and the powerless.
His book does not seek to encourage specific sympathies in the reader for the wealthy and powerful - certainly no more so than for any other group of individuals - instead, it seeks to encourage genuine empathy, kindness and to act from a place of compassion where we can.
This is an incredibly important reminder in my opinion. It is easy to be arrogant and think we already know this, and already understand this lesson, but when we see the hashtag 'BeKind' being used as a trend, followed by a reversion back to trolling and meanness (particularly prevalent online), it is worth reminding ourselves regularly to genuinely be kind.
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𝙷𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗. 𝚆𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚍. 𝚆𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔. 𝚆𝚎 𝚖𝚊𝚢 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚠𝚎'𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚐𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚌𝚔, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚞𝚛𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚌𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎𝚜
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I do still believe that the primary focus of energy, change and compassion should be aimed at groups or individuals who have been dismissed, ignored, or for whom being powerless has left them without resources and support that they sorely need.
I think there is a lot of work to be done to ensure people at the lower end of the wealth spectrum have a fair chance at a happy life, but I do think there is a lot of value in Dr Paul's book, and would definitely recommend it to anyone interested in psychology.
𝐐&𝐀 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐃𝐫 𝐏𝐚𝐮𝐥
1. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐚𝐩𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐜𝐞𝐝 𝐝𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐯𝐞. 𝐃𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐥 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞? (𝐀𝐬 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐥 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞. 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 - 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐮𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞'𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐬, 𝐩𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐭𝐨𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐬𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧).
You and I are singing from the same hymnal when it comes to cancel culture. Interestingly, I never thought of it in the context of the ‘hunter-gatherer” and hierarchical nature of human beings that I write about in Fragile Power. I think cancel culture is better analyzed within the psychodynamic construct of ‘splitting’. Splitting is a psychological defense wherein we compulsively sort things into absolute categories of good and bad, or metaphorically – black and white. When we are confronted with information that insults or threatens our paradigm of being, our limbic system kicks in, completely overrides our rational brain, and obliterates the data we perceive as bad. That’s why cancel culture is so extreme and hostile. It’s goal is to annihilate rather than understand.
2. 𝐀 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐣𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬/𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬. 𝐃𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞, 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬? 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐞𝐱𝐚𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.
The differentiation that occurs between generations is valuable in that it’s regenerative. It enables our human race to adapt and evolve. At the core of the adaptation is the instinctual call to nurture and protect future generations. In our modern zeitgeist, millennials are defining success in terms of quality of life experiences. They see how consumption has led to the destruction of our natural world and the dehumanizing of disempowered people. As a mental health professional and father figure to many, I applaud their recalibration.
Continued in comments...
October 15, 2019
Very insightful book about how to develop empathy for people the public would easily dismiss, and how critical questions and trust create an environment for change. He is right that people at the extremes of our society face the most resentment, judgments, and criticism from others. I think it's crucial to try and approach individuals as they are, but having empathy for groups like billionaires is hard on a general level. But this book exposes the hypocrisy of most of us who think we are so open-minded and liberal, but often, we replace one bias with another. In the end, everyone must try and be open with everyone else. It doesn't mean you accept or condone what they do, but try and understand their perspective cognitively, if possible (Sorry, flat earthers!) and to listen.
October 13, 2019
Interesting book about psychotherapy with elite clients that honors the humanity in all of us. “If you’re a person who feels that you’d be happier, more contented, and imbued with peace of mind by attaining a position of elite power, I hope you see that the fragility inherent in power often destroys the very things we believe it will provide.”
September 30, 2024
This book is about how the Uber wealthy have just as many complex and debilitating problems as any other economic group. I thank the author for the empathy this book has built in me. I have harbored disdain and prejudice toward the wealthy in many respects. I have had thoughts such as: “get over yourselves”; “what do you have to worry about?”; “must be nice to have so many resources at your disposal” etc and I admit that I have been very unfair. The writing style is enjoyable. The author examines his own foibles and mentions times when he feels he could have done better during certain sessions. So we are growing understanding while he is…journeying together if you will. I like this because ultimately the goal is for increased mental health for everyone! I liked learning the term "reparative alliance" because I think that can happen with any two people within or outside of therapy.
p.118 The key is engaging and using social media platforms with the pleasure of connection rather than the sorrow of self-absorption.
p.183 To turn a blind eye or rationalize these behaviors away will undermine the foundation of our relationships, our families, our communities and our democracy.
p. 281 Just as we expect our patients to work hard, form a network of self-care, and challenge themselves to grow, we must do the same.
p.291 Understood rather than judged/emboldened rather than infantilized/permitted to be rather than demanded to become.
p.118 The key is engaging and using social media platforms with the pleasure of connection rather than the sorrow of self-absorption.
p.183 To turn a blind eye or rationalize these behaviors away will undermine the foundation of our relationships, our families, our communities and our democracy.
p. 281 Just as we expect our patients to work hard, form a network of self-care, and challenge themselves to grow, we must do the same.
p.291 Understood rather than judged/emboldened rather than infantilized/permitted to be rather than demanded to become.
September 4, 2020
This book offers some great insights about money does not solve the problems. I love the author's research and themes. I love the vanity chapter the most because it touched the self-worth and has great quotes and insights. It all comes to empathy, connection, and humanness.
The writing style confuses me. It seems he wants to show such an expert he is by putting "the worlds foremost expect," lots of research quotes, other clinicians' boring and humanless medical model, but he also uses tons of insecure, nervous dialogue in an attempt to persuade the reader "I'm not an expert, I am a human as you are." As the reader, I don't think it's unnecessary. There's narcissism here
The book's material is great, but I couldn't finish the last 1/3 portion.
The writing style confuses me. It seems he wants to show such an expert he is by putting "the worlds foremost expect," lots of research quotes, other clinicians' boring and humanless medical model, but he also uses tons of insecure, nervous dialogue in an attempt to persuade the reader "I'm not an expert, I am a human as you are." As the reader, I don't think it's unnecessary. There's narcissism here
The book's material is great, but I couldn't finish the last 1/3 portion.
December 23, 2019
There are very few who can successfully work with the super wealthy. After reading this book, Dr Hokemeyer is no doubt one of those few.
March 30, 2021
I discovered Dr. Paul Hokemeyer while researching mental health for entrepreneurs. While I loved his writing on the topic, I wasn't sure how his book on celebrity identities would resonate with me. I'm glad I tried it, as this was a compassionate and fascinating book that could speak to anybody. His opening question applies broadly to humanity: "why do so many people who 'have it all' seem to become even more fragile with greater success?"
Within the first few pages, Hokemeyer calls for seeing the humanity of an elite population that too many of us reflexively consider undeserving. This call is striking, necessary, and courageous because it is so countercultural in our perpetually outraged world. However, if we really believe in the dignity of all human beings--and I hope we do--then we must extend that dignity even to those in positions of extreme power and wealth. As Hokemeyer shows, their seemingly enviable status is a source not just of privilege but also of tremendous suffering.
His work has a motivating purpose, he writes, which I found worthy of reflection: "To acknowledge that everyone, regardless of their place on the power and economic spectrum, deserves to be valued for the fullness of their humanness rather than deified or demonized as an object."
After setting the stage and articulating a framework of specialized care for elites, Hokemeyer turns to storytelling. Each chapter recounts his experience with a different client or couple. The writing is clear and the storytelling compelling all the way through. I found these glimpses into the private pain of celebrities fascinating but respectful. Each chapter challenges the reader to see these complicated, messy, and often difficult people with compassion. I was also intrigued, experiencing these encounters through the eyes of a practicing therapist, whose full humanity is on display--with all the ups and downs of ego and insecurity--as he takes these delicate relationships into deeper waters.
The title of the book is brilliant, and perfectly captures what the reader finds among these individuals: fragile power.
Within the first few pages, Hokemeyer calls for seeing the humanity of an elite population that too many of us reflexively consider undeserving. This call is striking, necessary, and courageous because it is so countercultural in our perpetually outraged world. However, if we really believe in the dignity of all human beings--and I hope we do--then we must extend that dignity even to those in positions of extreme power and wealth. As Hokemeyer shows, their seemingly enviable status is a source not just of privilege but also of tremendous suffering.
His work has a motivating purpose, he writes, which I found worthy of reflection: "To acknowledge that everyone, regardless of their place on the power and economic spectrum, deserves to be valued for the fullness of their humanness rather than deified or demonized as an object."
After setting the stage and articulating a framework of specialized care for elites, Hokemeyer turns to storytelling. Each chapter recounts his experience with a different client or couple. The writing is clear and the storytelling compelling all the way through. I found these glimpses into the private pain of celebrities fascinating but respectful. Each chapter challenges the reader to see these complicated, messy, and often difficult people with compassion. I was also intrigued, experiencing these encounters through the eyes of a practicing therapist, whose full humanity is on display--with all the ups and downs of ego and insecurity--as he takes these delicate relationships into deeper waters.
The title of the book is brilliant, and perfectly captures what the reader finds among these individuals: fragile power.
September 18, 2023
My only hope for this book was that it’d be better than Dr. Drew’s nonsense book, so it was a pretty low bar. With that said, while this book from Hokemeyer exceeded the expectations, it didn’t do it by much. This book surprisingly started out pretty decent. Hokemeyer clearly has some in-depth knowledge and expertise, but the problem is these clinicians trying to get us lower-class people to empathize with some of the most well-off people in the world. While I do see them as humans who deserve the basic rights of everyone else, my personal believe is that with so many suffering in this world from mental health issues, the resources could be better spent elsewhere.
After the initial few chapters of the book, it just spirals downhill from there. First off, I’m already skeptical of authors who tell so many stories in their books using direct quotes without any hint of recording their conversations. Most of Hokemeyer’s stories sound like complete BS and spruced up to feed his own ego. By the end of this book, you start to get a clearer picture of who Hokemeyer is, which is a mental health professional who gets off working with the rich and famous and being seen as one of the top authorities treating these people.
By the last third of the book, it completely goes off the rails. At one point he gloats about being featured by known grifted Dr. Oz and then spits terrible advice about working with people with addictions. I don’t know who this book is for, but it’s not good. Maybe he’ll get some more rich and famous clients, and maybe people prone to celebrity gossip will enjoy this book. But as someone who cares a lot about mental health and helping as many people as possible, this book was just brutal.
After the initial few chapters of the book, it just spirals downhill from there. First off, I’m already skeptical of authors who tell so many stories in their books using direct quotes without any hint of recording their conversations. Most of Hokemeyer’s stories sound like complete BS and spruced up to feed his own ego. By the end of this book, you start to get a clearer picture of who Hokemeyer is, which is a mental health professional who gets off working with the rich and famous and being seen as one of the top authorities treating these people.
By the last third of the book, it completely goes off the rails. At one point he gloats about being featured by known grifted Dr. Oz and then spits terrible advice about working with people with addictions. I don’t know who this book is for, but it’s not good. Maybe he’ll get some more rich and famous clients, and maybe people prone to celebrity gossip will enjoy this book. But as someone who cares a lot about mental health and helping as many people as possible, this book was just brutal.
May 15, 2024
I really enjoyed this book because my beliefs and values align with those of the author and I really appreciated his vulnerabilities and self-disclosures as he lets the reader in on his inner process as a clinician.
When folks are bitter towards the wealthy being deserving of empathy, I firmly believe that tells us more about the judger than the object of their judgement.
All people hold intrinsic value, extremely wealthy and/or famous people are just as deserving of empathy and support - afterall, they are human - and they experience a particular isolation due to their extreme wealth, celebrity, and power.
Dr. Paul does what he has to do to not engage in power struggles. He’s devoutly Rogerian and Socratic. He does not believe in punitive, shaming, or coercive treatment of addiction. He has an uncanny ability to detect what the patient holds onto as a safety “object”, that he doesn’t begrudge them, and he works patiently with clients until they are ready to set it down and touch into the vulnerability it was protecting underneath.
When folks are bitter towards the wealthy being deserving of empathy, I firmly believe that tells us more about the judger than the object of their judgement.
All people hold intrinsic value, extremely wealthy and/or famous people are just as deserving of empathy and support - afterall, they are human - and they experience a particular isolation due to their extreme wealth, celebrity, and power.
Dr. Paul does what he has to do to not engage in power struggles. He’s devoutly Rogerian and Socratic. He does not believe in punitive, shaming, or coercive treatment of addiction. He has an uncanny ability to detect what the patient holds onto as a safety “object”, that he doesn’t begrudge them, and he works patiently with clients until they are ready to set it down and touch into the vulnerability it was protecting underneath.
July 28, 2021
I was immediately drawn by Dr. Paul's beautiful writing. His style is meaningful, direct and cuts at the heart of so many complex issues with such immense clarity and simplicity. His narration is personal and humbling, and eye-opening. I found myself highlighting so much of this book so that I could think over and return to it. What a terrific contribution to the field of mental health, relationships, those in suffering and those in support. Highly recommend!
June 4, 2021
After reading this book, I felt like I had emerged a little more open-minded than before. The author, Dr. Hokemeyer, advocates for the mental health of his patient population which happens to be a niche group of ultra-rich and famous individuals. In the beginning, his repeated use of the term "cultural competency" applied to this "vulnerable" population was uncomfortable for me. On one hand, the skeptic hand, I thought perhaps he wrote this book to further define himself as an ally for extremely wealthy clients. In doing so, he could portray an authentic interest in the genuine well-being of his superstar clientele, secure their trust, and continue being the successful clinician and businessman he has come to be.
On the other, more optimistic hand, I think this may be a genuine plea for empathy toward rich and famous individuals with mental health problems. These individuals, while it may be hard to generate compassion for them, deserve understanding on a human level as everyone does. While his term "culturally competent" care for the rich and famous makes me squirmy, I think the general idea of providing care tailored to the specific needs of this population makes sense. Dr. Hokemeyer seems to offer great empathy in looking beyond one's wealth and status to identify that their mental health needs still require care and nurturing.
I was particularly interested in Dr. Hokemeyer's identification of the main mental health struggles he works with such as narcissism, insecurity, isolation, addiction, anxiety, and learned helplessness. Wealthy and famous people seem to be on another planet entirely, but in the end we all crave the same love, autonomy, and connection, no matter our net worth.
On the other, more optimistic hand, I think this may be a genuine plea for empathy toward rich and famous individuals with mental health problems. These individuals, while it may be hard to generate compassion for them, deserve understanding on a human level as everyone does. While his term "culturally competent" care for the rich and famous makes me squirmy, I think the general idea of providing care tailored to the specific needs of this population makes sense. Dr. Hokemeyer seems to offer great empathy in looking beyond one's wealth and status to identify that their mental health needs still require care and nurturing.
I was particularly interested in Dr. Hokemeyer's identification of the main mental health struggles he works with such as narcissism, insecurity, isolation, addiction, anxiety, and learned helplessness. Wealthy and famous people seem to be on another planet entirely, but in the end we all crave the same love, autonomy, and connection, no matter our net worth.
July 17, 2022
A great read.
This book gives Dr. Paul's real experiences and lessons on treating the rich and famous.
No matter where you're from or what you have, human beings all want the same thing.
Compassion, love, relationships, and happiness.
Thank you Dr. Paul.
This book gives Dr. Paul's real experiences and lessons on treating the rich and famous.
No matter where you're from or what you have, human beings all want the same thing.
Compassion, love, relationships, and happiness.
Thank you Dr. Paul.
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