What do you think?
Rate this book
The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships
You Can Love God and Still Get a Divorce
And get this, God will still love you. Really.
Are you in a destructive marriage? One of emotional, physical, or verbal abuse? Infidelity? Neglect?
If yes, you know you need to escape, but you’re probably worried about going against God’s will. I have good news for you. You might need to divorce to save your life and sanity. And God is right beside you.
In The Life-Saving Divorce You’ll Learn:
- How to know if you should stay or if you should go.
- The four key Bible verses that support divorce for infidelity, neglect, and physical and/or emotional abuse.
- Twenty-seven myths about divorce that aren’t true for many Christians.
- Why a divorce is likely the absolute best thing for your children.
- How to deal with friends and family who disapprove of divorce.
- How to find safe friends and churches after a divorce.
If you need a Life-Saving Divorce, there is hope for you, your faith, and your kids!
“Gretchen is giving freedom for captives. She helped me think deeply about deeply held wrong ideas related to divorce!”
—Pastor Neil Schori, pastor at The Edge Church, key witness in the Drew Peterson murder case
“When I think of Gretchen, I think of the words: Needed, truth-telling, hope. She filled in the data and research behind the things I knew by experience, both personally and from others I know. There is so much bad Christian advice that doesn’t acknowledge destructive marriage and abuse, this truth is so needed in the world.” — Jodi Pompa, Twitter
“Necessary, overdue, comforting. Gretchen helped me realize so many people are struggling with false guilt over this issue.” —Rachel Ramer
“Sympathetic, liberating, rational. She helped me not feel the pressure of having to sustain a marriage on my own and [helped me understand] that divorce is a valid option instead of continually being made to feel less than or staying with someone who doesn’t want to stay with you.” —Jeffrey Lewis
“Refreshing, eye- opening, life-changing. She helped me get rid of the guilt I felt for divorcing my abusive husband.” — Sarah Smith
“She’s an advocate, empowerer, and strong. She helps release shame for being a divorced Christian woman.” —Sandi Moore
“Gretchen is supportive, unapologetic, and confirming. She helped me understand I am not alone in my divorce walk. That the Christian community need not vilify already damaged spouses who have to seek divorce.” —Holli Lewis
And get this, God will still love you. Really.
Are you in a destructive marriage? One of emotional, physical, or verbal abuse? Infidelity? Neglect?
If yes, you know you need to escape, but you’re probably worried about going against God’s will. I have good news for you. You might need to divorce to save your life and sanity. And God is right beside you.
In The Life-Saving Divorce You’ll Learn:
- How to know if you should stay or if you should go.
- The four key Bible verses that support divorce for infidelity, neglect, and physical and/or emotional abuse.
- Twenty-seven myths about divorce that aren’t true for many Christians.
- Why a divorce is likely the absolute best thing for your children.
- How to deal with friends and family who disapprove of divorce.
- How to find safe friends and churches after a divorce.
If you need a Life-Saving Divorce, there is hope for you, your faith, and your kids!
“Gretchen is giving freedom for captives. She helped me think deeply about deeply held wrong ideas related to divorce!”
—Pastor Neil Schori, pastor at The Edge Church, key witness in the Drew Peterson murder case
“When I think of Gretchen, I think of the words: Needed, truth-telling, hope. She filled in the data and research behind the things I knew by experience, both personally and from others I know. There is so much bad Christian advice that doesn’t acknowledge destructive marriage and abuse, this truth is so needed in the world.” — Jodi Pompa, Twitter
“Necessary, overdue, comforting. Gretchen helped me realize so many people are struggling with false guilt over this issue.” —Rachel Ramer
“Sympathetic, liberating, rational. She helped me not feel the pressure of having to sustain a marriage on my own and [helped me understand] that divorce is a valid option instead of continually being made to feel less than or staying with someone who doesn’t want to stay with you.” —Jeffrey Lewis
“Refreshing, eye- opening, life-changing. She helped me get rid of the guilt I felt for divorcing my abusive husband.” — Sarah Smith
“She’s an advocate, empowerer, and strong. She helps release shame for being a divorced Christian woman.” —Sandi Moore
“Gretchen is supportive, unapologetic, and confirming. She helped me understand I am not alone in my divorce walk. That the Christian community need not vilify already damaged spouses who have to seek divorce.” —Holli Lewis
444 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 14, 2020
299 people are currently reading
680 people want to read
About the author
Gretchen Baskerville
3 books15 followersGretchen Baskerville is a divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.
Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own life-saving divorce and lived as a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried and writes about divorce recovery. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education, and she regularly gives interviews on podcasts, blogs, and radio programs on the topic of Christianity and divorce.
Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the 50% of divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to today's top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.
For more information, view her blog at http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/about. Follow her on Twitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville or Facebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdiv...
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/gretchenbas...
Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own life-saving divorce and lived as a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried and writes about divorce recovery. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education, and she regularly gives interviews on podcasts, blogs, and radio programs on the topic of Christianity and divorce.
Her book, "The Life-Saving Divorce" is about the 50% of divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children's future (8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to today's top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, "gaslighting," the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.
For more information, view her blog at http://www.LifeSavingDivorce.com/about. Follow her on Twitter http://twitter.com/GGBaskerville or Facebook http://www.facebook.com/lifesavingdiv...
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/gretchenbas...
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews
January 28, 2020
It’s so much easier for a pastor to prioritize the institution of marriage over the people within that institution. Yet, any marriage defined by power and control has already been broken at the foundational level. This book exposes the tactics of those who leverage marriage to serve themselves and shifts blame away from victims who tirelessly work to salvage beauty from betrayal. Gretchen shines as a ray of hope into a dark place, offering us a better way.
Jeremiah Rice
Pastor and Certified Co-Facilitator of Domestic Abuse Intervention Groups using the Duluth Model
Jeremiah Rice
Pastor and Certified Co-Facilitator of Domestic Abuse Intervention Groups using the Duluth Model
March 14, 2020
I read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" last month, and I realized that while an informative and a phenomenal resource, I wished there had been one available that was written with HOPE.
This is exactly that book. Every word of this book is written with grace, with hope, and with the good news of the Gospel. Gretchen pours into her readers the knowledge of not only who Christ is, but who they are in Christ. She removes every stigma of shame; she removes every man made repression of self serving authority.
We are all made in the image of God, and we are all worthy of love, and salvation. That point is non - negotiable, and Gretchen makes it very clear. However, as humans, we are also fallible. As such, we are not all good marriage material. You are not a failure if you are one of those humans, or if you married one. The only perfect human who will ever be is Jesus; He alone met the standard. There are some instances where a true miracle happens, and a life is transformed, and a marriage is completely restored. But, when they are not, Gretchen shows why we are not called to stay married to abusive people.
The 40% - the life saving - divorces that she is expounding upon in this book are not ones that are celebrity material. They aren't the divorces where you "can't choose whom your heart falls in love with". They aren't the divorces that happen because you suddenly realize that when the kids are grown, you no longer have anything to talk about. A divorce because you didn't get the chance to experience being single, since you got married so young.
These are the divorces that happen when you're terrified to sleep at night. Or vice versa, when you're praying that tonight, FINALLY, you'll be allowed to sleep. The divorces that happen because you have been beaten. Again. When you realize that you haven't talked to another person in YEARS. The divorces that happen because he destroyed the dining room furniture when he noticed that you bought the kids a candy bar to split when you were buying groceries.
"God loves YOU."
"You are NOT alone."
These words seem as farfetched and as impossible as the possibility of getting a divorce. Yet, they are the entire message of the book. More than the right to get a divorce, more than providing facts and figures, more than telling you how - You are loved. You are enough. You are not alone.
Gretchen also provides carefully researched statistics to show the affects of abuse on women/men and children, and how divorce will and will NOT affect them. She peels off the layers on all the myths that say children will be stunted and grow up to be drug addicted career criminals unless they live in two parent homes. The myths that say "THE BIBLE SAYS*." The ones that claim your pastor or your church can have authority over YOU staying with an abuser! (SPOILER ALERT: The ONLY person who can decide to divorce is you, because only you and God know what is going secretly in your marriage.)
*Gretchen provides incredible detail about how marriage was viewed both in the Old and New Testament, and background to the question the Pharisees posed to Jesus. Also, God himself issued a certificate of divorce to Judah in Jeremiah 4:8
If you are in an abusive relationship, if you have a loved one who is in one, or if you are struggling to discern the Biblical truths of divorce: read this book. It is wise. It is safe. It is gentle. It is not demeaning towards anyone. It is not condemning, and it is not high - handed.
It is written in the truth of God's word. It is compassionate. You will feel loved and cherished. In the beginning, Gretchen tells you to imagine her wrapping her arms around you, telling you it's going to be okay. That feeling stays with you throughout the entire book. You will be okay. Your babies will be okay. You're going to make it. You are not alone. You are enough.
For interwoven in every sentence, in every word, and I cannot stress this enough, is the fact that Gretchen is not the only one holding you. She simply adds her human arms to the arms of the One who holds the universe, yet has written your name on the palm of His hand. You are not forgotten. You can do this. You can make it. Hold on. Get that life - saving divorce.
*I was given an advanced copy of this book for my honest review.*
This is exactly that book. Every word of this book is written with grace, with hope, and with the good news of the Gospel. Gretchen pours into her readers the knowledge of not only who Christ is, but who they are in Christ. She removes every stigma of shame; she removes every man made repression of self serving authority.
We are all made in the image of God, and we are all worthy of love, and salvation. That point is non - negotiable, and Gretchen makes it very clear. However, as humans, we are also fallible. As such, we are not all good marriage material. You are not a failure if you are one of those humans, or if you married one. The only perfect human who will ever be is Jesus; He alone met the standard. There are some instances where a true miracle happens, and a life is transformed, and a marriage is completely restored. But, when they are not, Gretchen shows why we are not called to stay married to abusive people.
The 40% - the life saving - divorces that she is expounding upon in this book are not ones that are celebrity material. They aren't the divorces where you "can't choose whom your heart falls in love with". They aren't the divorces that happen because you suddenly realize that when the kids are grown, you no longer have anything to talk about. A divorce because you didn't get the chance to experience being single, since you got married so young.
These are the divorces that happen when you're terrified to sleep at night. Or vice versa, when you're praying that tonight, FINALLY, you'll be allowed to sleep. The divorces that happen because you have been beaten. Again. When you realize that you haven't talked to another person in YEARS. The divorces that happen because he destroyed the dining room furniture when he noticed that you bought the kids a candy bar to split when you were buying groceries.
"God loves YOU."
"You are NOT alone."
These words seem as farfetched and as impossible as the possibility of getting a divorce. Yet, they are the entire message of the book. More than the right to get a divorce, more than providing facts and figures, more than telling you how - You are loved. You are enough. You are not alone.
Gretchen also provides carefully researched statistics to show the affects of abuse on women/men and children, and how divorce will and will NOT affect them. She peels off the layers on all the myths that say children will be stunted and grow up to be drug addicted career criminals unless they live in two parent homes. The myths that say "THE BIBLE SAYS*." The ones that claim your pastor or your church can have authority over YOU staying with an abuser! (SPOILER ALERT: The ONLY person who can decide to divorce is you, because only you and God know what is going secretly in your marriage.)
*Gretchen provides incredible detail about how marriage was viewed both in the Old and New Testament, and background to the question the Pharisees posed to Jesus. Also, God himself issued a certificate of divorce to Judah in Jeremiah 4:8
If you are in an abusive relationship, if you have a loved one who is in one, or if you are struggling to discern the Biblical truths of divorce: read this book. It is wise. It is safe. It is gentle. It is not demeaning towards anyone. It is not condemning, and it is not high - handed.
It is written in the truth of God's word. It is compassionate. You will feel loved and cherished. In the beginning, Gretchen tells you to imagine her wrapping her arms around you, telling you it's going to be okay. That feeling stays with you throughout the entire book. You will be okay. Your babies will be okay. You're going to make it. You are not alone. You are enough.
For interwoven in every sentence, in every word, and I cannot stress this enough, is the fact that Gretchen is not the only one holding you. She simply adds her human arms to the arms of the One who holds the universe, yet has written your name on the palm of His hand. You are not forgotten. You can do this. You can make it. Hold on. Get that life - saving divorce.
*I was given an advanced copy of this book for my honest review.*
February 2, 2020
Having followed Gretchen on Twitter (and engaging in conversation a few times) I was excited to have the chance to receive an advanced reader copy of her book. I agreed to write an honest review in exchange.
Though my divorce is in the past now, I was almost surprised at how relevant this book was for me to read. It’s been healing to read of others who’ve walked this road and to walk back through God’s Word in relation to the topic of divorce in a destructive marriage.
I appreciate Gretchen’s support for marriage and her definitions as to what destructive marriages actually are. I believe that if more Christians could understand the heart of what Gretchen has written, then they will better comprehend the depth of struggle that comes not only with a destructive marriage, but also the choice to end one.
May this book enable conversations that give life.
Though my divorce is in the past now, I was almost surprised at how relevant this book was for me to read. It’s been healing to read of others who’ve walked this road and to walk back through God’s Word in relation to the topic of divorce in a destructive marriage.
I appreciate Gretchen’s support for marriage and her definitions as to what destructive marriages actually are. I believe that if more Christians could understand the heart of what Gretchen has written, then they will better comprehend the depth of struggle that comes not only with a destructive marriage, but also the choice to end one.
May this book enable conversations that give life.
February 1, 2020
I’m so thankful for Gretchen and this book. I rec’d an advanced reader copy and went straight to chapter 4 and devoured it. Gretchen uses her God-given gifts + her years spent leading divorce recovery groups to help regular people like me, who are STILL in a fog of disbelief (after 24+months of leaving), come to grips with why divorce is okay with God in certain situations. She’s helping fight the imaginary taboo that regularly accompanies Christians who divorce. This book will help you. And please buy it for a friend who may feel trapped because of her devotion to our Lord - and her vows. It could save her life.
-Sheryl Weaver
-Sheryl Weaver
September 4, 2022
Mark my words—The Life Saving Divorce is going to be a HUGE catalyst for change in the Christian community. Gretchen not only has years of experience working with Christian divorcees, but she has done hard core research and produced an incredibly powerful, compassionate, and insightful solution for the destructive issues found in many Christian marriages. If you have ever wondered if God is okay with you and your divorce, you need to read this book.
March 5, 2020
It's easy to have an opinion on divorce. It's easy to tell people what you think Scripture says about divorce. It's easy to silently judge or question people who divorce.
Until you go through it yourself.
In Chapter 3, Gretchen blows away 27 of the oft-believed myths surrounding divorce. Even though my divorce is a few years in the rear-view mirror, this chapter was extremely helpful, because the doubts love to creep in.
"Did I try hard enough? Did I do everything I could have? Does it really 'take two to tango'? Am I really responsible for my spouse's unfaithfulness?"
Chapter 3 could be an entire book by itself (warning, it is long!) but it will help to dispel many of the myths you may have believed or had people tell you about yourself.
Chapter 6 takes a very in-depth look at just what does Scripture really teach about divorce. It was very informative. Much of the information I already knew, but I also learned some interesting facts about the Jewish and Roman cultures of the day and how those would have influenced the early churches views.
I do want to say very clearly that the author is not justifying willy-nilly divorce for petty reasons such as "we just don't love each other." Gretchen has put a lot of work into this book and hopefully it will help people...maybe even save a life.
(I received an Advance Reader Copy in return for a fair review. At present time, I have read only three chapters and am basing this review on those chapters. I intend to read the remaining chapter and will update the review upon completion of the book.)
Until you go through it yourself.
In Chapter 3, Gretchen blows away 27 of the oft-believed myths surrounding divorce. Even though my divorce is a few years in the rear-view mirror, this chapter was extremely helpful, because the doubts love to creep in.
"Did I try hard enough? Did I do everything I could have? Does it really 'take two to tango'? Am I really responsible for my spouse's unfaithfulness?"
Chapter 3 could be an entire book by itself (warning, it is long!) but it will help to dispel many of the myths you may have believed or had people tell you about yourself.
Chapter 6 takes a very in-depth look at just what does Scripture really teach about divorce. It was very informative. Much of the information I already knew, but I also learned some interesting facts about the Jewish and Roman cultures of the day and how those would have influenced the early churches views.
I do want to say very clearly that the author is not justifying willy-nilly divorce for petty reasons such as "we just don't love each other." Gretchen has put a lot of work into this book and hopefully it will help people...maybe even save a life.
(I received an Advance Reader Copy in return for a fair review. At present time, I have read only three chapters and am basing this review on those chapters. I intend to read the remaining chapter and will update the review upon completion of the book.)
February 14, 2020
I received the advanced reader copy and basically devoured it, chapter by chapter, over the next several days. As a wife of eleven years, mother of four young children, and a Christ-follower since childhood, separation and divorce are two devastating realities that have turned my world upside down over the past two years. This book was absolutely informative, thought-provoking, heart-breaking, intelligent, and truthful; for me, it was also affirming, because I finally gained a glimpse of “why” I had entered my marriage in the first place despite red flags, and “why” it took so long for me to finally draw a line in the sand and say “no more.”
I’m incredibly grateful for the author’s attention to detail and for the research she’s made available. She says herself that she’s a lay divorce group leader, so her writing style is neither clinical or overtly sentimental. Her voice comes across with dignity and sincerity.
I’m incredibly grateful for the author’s attention to detail and for the research she’s made available. She says herself that she’s a lay divorce group leader, so her writing style is neither clinical or overtly sentimental. Her voice comes across with dignity and sincerity.
February 5, 2020
Chapter 4- Am I Being Abused? This is a chapter I needed to read. Having someone list (recognize) the ways I’ve been treated for years, made me feel like I wasn’t crazy after all. When I knew it wasn’t right, I knew I had to get out. Though I’m still in the process, I have better clarity now. Though our home didn’t have physical abuse, I can see the emotional abuse that was happening. Having someone recognize the stress in the home and “walking on eggs shells” feeling, is refreshing. It wasn’t ok. It’s not acceptable. Made to feel as though no one but my spouse mattered isn’t ok. Thank you for this book. There are so many other things I could write about. This is the book I needed in the beginning of this journey.
I believe the church can do a better job understanding abuse/divorce. This book is a valuable resource.
I did receive an advance reader copy.
I believe the church can do a better job understanding abuse/divorce. This book is a valuable resource.
I did receive an advance reader copy.
Read
February 1, 2020I devoured this book. The writing is crystal clear. I wish this book had been available when I was divorcing.
February 22, 2020
This book would have allowed me to know I wasn’t going against God nor was I going to hell if I chose divorce.
Currently reading
February 22, 2020"Adultery is the only biblical grounds for divorce." That's the complete teaching I'd received, and when I filed for divorce the day after my husband assaulted me, I accepted the "fact" that it was the best bad choice I had. I spent the next 8 years trying to reconcile that choice with my faith and finally managed to convince myself that "God hates my divorce, but He isn't mad at me." That's where I've been stuck for 8 years.
I'm so thankful for Gretchen Baskerville's work in The Life-Saving Divorce. Through reading her book (and following her on Twitter), I'm finally learning that my choice was not just NECESSARY; it was RIGHT. Chapter 3, "Myths of Divorce- Did I Try Hard Enough, was my breaking point, as I realized I'd fallen for the myth that my husband was not actually "responsible" for how he was acting, because he was simply doing the best he could. I HAD to stay and help him heal from his pain, mental illness, and alcoholism. I literally felt my mind shift when I read this line: "...sometimes people are doing their best, and their best is DANGEROUS." YES. It wasn't wrong for me to leave and to protect my 3 children. It wasn't wrong for me to accept that I am not responsible for making sure my husband gets the help he needs. It wasn't wrong for me to get a life-saving divorce. God really ISN'T mad at me!
I'm so thankful for Gretchen Baskerville's work in The Life-Saving Divorce. Through reading her book (and following her on Twitter), I'm finally learning that my choice was not just NECESSARY; it was RIGHT. Chapter 3, "Myths of Divorce- Did I Try Hard Enough, was my breaking point, as I realized I'd fallen for the myth that my husband was not actually "responsible" for how he was acting, because he was simply doing the best he could. I HAD to stay and help him heal from his pain, mental illness, and alcoholism. I literally felt my mind shift when I read this line: "...sometimes people are doing their best, and their best is DANGEROUS." YES. It wasn't wrong for me to leave and to protect my 3 children. It wasn't wrong for me to accept that I am not responsible for making sure my husband gets the help he needs. It wasn't wrong for me to get a life-saving divorce. God really ISN'T mad at me!
January 27, 2020
My wife and I led divorce recovery groups in churches for nine years. We grew so frustrated with Christian divorce recovery programs we finally gave up. They did not reflect real world circumstances and ignored the best research and counsel on the subject. “Life Saving Divorce” by Gretchen Baskerville incorporates many of our frustrations with her own experiences and interviews with divorced people. But she goes beyond this by diving deep into the best available research and cites experts who are not beholden to the man made Christian culture. Grounded by years of being in the trenches of divorce recovery groups, she makes this information digestible and practical.
This book will indict some and validate others. It is offered in the spirit of the words of Jesus from Luke, as paraphrased in herThe Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships book:
“As God’s people, we are called to devote ourselves to the truth, and to setting the captives free.”
I was given an advance reader copy in return for an honest review.
This book will indict some and validate others. It is offered in the spirit of the words of Jesus from Luke, as paraphrased in herThe Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships book:
“As God’s people, we are called to devote ourselves to the truth, and to setting the captives free.”
I was given an advance reader copy in return for an honest review.
January 29, 2020
From the back cover:
You Can Love God and Still Get a Divorce
And get this, God will still love you. Really.
Are you in a destructive marriage? One of emotional, physical, or verbal abuse? Infidelity? Neglect?
If yes, you know you need to escape, but you’re probably worried about going against God’s will. I have good news for you. You might need to divorce to save your life and sanity. And God is right beside you.
In The Life-Saving Divorce You’ll Learn:
• How to know if you should stay or if you should go.
• The four key Bible verses that support divorce for infidelity, neglect, and physical and/or emotional abuse.
• Twenty-seven myths about divorce that aren’t true for many Christians.
• Why a divorce is likely the absolute best thing for your children.
• How to deal with friends and family who disapprove of divorce.
• How to find safe friends and churches after a divorce.
Can you find happiness after leaving your destructive marriage? Absolutely yes! You can get your life back and flourish more than you thought possible.
Are you ready? Then let’s go. It’s time to be free.
You Can Love God and Still Get a Divorce
And get this, God will still love you. Really.
Are you in a destructive marriage? One of emotional, physical, or verbal abuse? Infidelity? Neglect?
If yes, you know you need to escape, but you’re probably worried about going against God’s will. I have good news for you. You might need to divorce to save your life and sanity. And God is right beside you.
In The Life-Saving Divorce You’ll Learn:
• How to know if you should stay or if you should go.
• The four key Bible verses that support divorce for infidelity, neglect, and physical and/or emotional abuse.
• Twenty-seven myths about divorce that aren’t true for many Christians.
• Why a divorce is likely the absolute best thing for your children.
• How to deal with friends and family who disapprove of divorce.
• How to find safe friends and churches after a divorce.
Can you find happiness after leaving your destructive marriage? Absolutely yes! You can get your life back and flourish more than you thought possible.
Are you ready? Then let’s go. It’s time to be free.
February 22, 2020
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I cannot recommend this book more! In a highly charged and highly debated topic Gretchen remains cool, calm and incredibly balanced. The research based foundations of this book provide solid ground in an often tumultuous conversation. Rather than simply try to make a case for her opinion or theology she provides hours of research that uncover myths we have believed and point toward life-saving truth.
While the topic of divorce can be loaded with guilt, shame, fear or confusion, the Clarity of this book and the message of this book cut through the fog to deliver a message that can remove these burdens from people already in great pain.
My only complaint about this book is that it just came out and it was needed years ago!! Every counselor, or pastor who works with marriages should read this book! Thank you Gretchen for your labor!
While the topic of divorce can be loaded with guilt, shame, fear or confusion, the Clarity of this book and the message of this book cut through the fog to deliver a message that can remove these burdens from people already in great pain.
My only complaint about this book is that it just came out and it was needed years ago!! Every counselor, or pastor who works with marriages should read this book! Thank you Gretchen for your labor!
February 26, 2020
Gretchen captivates you right away with her tenderness towards the warriors who survived a life-saving divorce. She set me at ease and I felt like she was hugging me the whole time. Right away, she shared her personal journey which was similar to mine which brings ease to knowing she gets what I have gone through. She out words to even my inability to describe the pain of being married to a dangerous spouse, losing friends and the violence that came for my soul from the church. Listen - I’m no quitter and she detonates the Lord’s nuclear love and truth all I’ve the reader. This book is a big hug for those recovering from in my case- the devastation of betrayal, infidelity, brainwashing, emotional abuse, violation of trust and being sought because I was the perfect empathic loving victim.
February 25, 2020
This is a book I would recommend for anyone who is dealing with a bad relationship or contemplating divorce. The book provides the perfect balance between the ideas Christians have been taught about marital relationships, as well as a healthy dose of well researched statistics. From recognizing the signs, to how kids are affected, to moving on; Gretchen covers a wide array of issues on this difficult subject. As a divorce survivor I feel this is a must read (I have never used that term) for anyone going through or contemplating divorce.
Read
August 19, 2022As an attorney and person who has been through a life-saving divorce, I have been so validated by this book. In particular, Gretchen skillfully articulates the religious and cultural myths that keep people in dangerous marriages. I wish that people at my former church had this information when I was going through my divorce. I recommend this book to those who may be contemplating divorce, as well as those who want to learn how to support people in dangerous marriages. I received a free advance reader copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.
March 9, 2020
This book has come as hope for the hearts of Christians who are in abusive relationships—believing that they will lose their salvation due to divorce.
Even though men have been victims of these abusive relationships, the violence against women still is the leading causes.
Nonetheless, the book is necessary for its humanistic approach. Unfortunately, devout people believe that the Bible instructs the divorce only under adultery circumstances, and it is not so.
The author approaches the topic in a very didactic way. We excite waiting for a Portuguese version of this book.
Even though men have been victims of these abusive relationships, the violence against women still is the leading causes.
Nonetheless, the book is necessary for its humanistic approach. Unfortunately, devout people believe that the Bible instructs the divorce only under adultery circumstances, and it is not so.
The author approaches the topic in a very didactic way. We excite waiting for a Portuguese version of this book.
March 12, 2020
I left my abusive husband just over a year ago. I stayed way too long. The information in this book would have been so helpful to me in trying to decide what to do, understanding what was happening in my marriage and how to move forward. This book really is a LIFE-SAVER! Gretchen dispels lots of myths and gives you the clarity you need to make a good decision.
I was in the charismatic/Pentecostal movement and The Life-Saving Divorce helped me to see how that adversely affected me, causing me to stay with my abuser. One tactic of abuse that he would use, and that was reinforced by my beliefs, was that of sin-leveling. "Well, you act like you are all holy and never do anything wrong, but I know that you have sinned, too. You just spoke to me in a disrespectful manner and you're not being submissive." I would then justify his abuse because "sin is sin" and "all sins are the same in God's eyes". If you are currently in an abusive relationship and can identify with what I said, read this book!!
I also believed in formula thinking since I spent some time in the prosperity movement. I did everything the way that the church told me to. I didn't date anyone until I met the man that I was going to marry. I waited to have sex. I kept myself "holy". I served in the church and went on many mission trips. I believed that if I did everything right and married a "good Christian man" that I would be guaranteed to have a good marriage. I "sowed good seeds" so I would "reap a good harvest". This is just not true. If you can identify with that, read this book!!
Gretchen also does an amazing job at dispelling a lot of myths that Christians have concerning divorcing because of abuse. I was told by a minister that I deeply respect that abuse is not a valid Biblical reason for divorce. I stayed with my abuser for over a decade because I believed that. It is just not true. She lays out from the Bible why it is not true. If you are struggling with leaving because of this myth, you NEED this book. The Bible verses she shares along with the Jewish cultural background information will help you tremendously.
She has a whole chapter dedicated to myths. She gives a great explanation of why each myth is false with research and scripture. Here is a list of the ones that really helped me unravel some harmful teachings in my own life:
It takes two to tango.
Christians are required to forgive ... over and over forever.
I have no rights as a Christian.
Marriage is not about being happy; it's about being holy.
It is your fault your spouse cheated because you didn't give them enough sex.
It's your fault because you didn't submit enough or you made a bad decision to marry this person so it's your "cross to bear".
The person who files for divorce is the one who caused the divorce.
God will heal your marriage if you pray, believe, declare, decree enough.
If you stay and suffer, you might save your spouse, and you will glorify God.
You can only divorce if they hit you; emotional, spiritual, financial and verbal abuse don't count.
If you aren't sure what you're experiencing is abuse and you're confused, The Life-Saving Divorce clearly gives you the information you need to recognize if and when you're being abused. Gretchen helps you understand that abuse has nothing to do with the victim. The abuser's sin is not the victim's fault, and the best way of ending it is to get out. If you have a friend or family member that is in an abusive relationship and you want to know how to help, read this book. If you are a minister or pastor, PLEASE get this book and read it. Give it to everyone on your staff. Recognize that 1 in 4 women sitting in your church are experiencing abuse in their marriage. Christians are not immune. Thank you, Gretchen, for an amazing resource that will save so many lives!
(I was given an ARC to read and review.)
I was in the charismatic/Pentecostal movement and The Life-Saving Divorce helped me to see how that adversely affected me, causing me to stay with my abuser. One tactic of abuse that he would use, and that was reinforced by my beliefs, was that of sin-leveling. "Well, you act like you are all holy and never do anything wrong, but I know that you have sinned, too. You just spoke to me in a disrespectful manner and you're not being submissive." I would then justify his abuse because "sin is sin" and "all sins are the same in God's eyes". If you are currently in an abusive relationship and can identify with what I said, read this book!!
I also believed in formula thinking since I spent some time in the prosperity movement. I did everything the way that the church told me to. I didn't date anyone until I met the man that I was going to marry. I waited to have sex. I kept myself "holy". I served in the church and went on many mission trips. I believed that if I did everything right and married a "good Christian man" that I would be guaranteed to have a good marriage. I "sowed good seeds" so I would "reap a good harvest". This is just not true. If you can identify with that, read this book!!
Gretchen also does an amazing job at dispelling a lot of myths that Christians have concerning divorcing because of abuse. I was told by a minister that I deeply respect that abuse is not a valid Biblical reason for divorce. I stayed with my abuser for over a decade because I believed that. It is just not true. She lays out from the Bible why it is not true. If you are struggling with leaving because of this myth, you NEED this book. The Bible verses she shares along with the Jewish cultural background information will help you tremendously.
She has a whole chapter dedicated to myths. She gives a great explanation of why each myth is false with research and scripture. Here is a list of the ones that really helped me unravel some harmful teachings in my own life:
It takes two to tango.
Christians are required to forgive ... over and over forever.
I have no rights as a Christian.
Marriage is not about being happy; it's about being holy.
It is your fault your spouse cheated because you didn't give them enough sex.
It's your fault because you didn't submit enough or you made a bad decision to marry this person so it's your "cross to bear".
The person who files for divorce is the one who caused the divorce.
God will heal your marriage if you pray, believe, declare, decree enough.
If you stay and suffer, you might save your spouse, and you will glorify God.
You can only divorce if they hit you; emotional, spiritual, financial and verbal abuse don't count.
If you aren't sure what you're experiencing is abuse and you're confused, The Life-Saving Divorce clearly gives you the information you need to recognize if and when you're being abused. Gretchen helps you understand that abuse has nothing to do with the victim. The abuser's sin is not the victim's fault, and the best way of ending it is to get out. If you have a friend or family member that is in an abusive relationship and you want to know how to help, read this book. If you are a minister or pastor, PLEASE get this book and read it. Give it to everyone on your staff. Recognize that 1 in 4 women sitting in your church are experiencing abuse in their marriage. Christians are not immune. Thank you, Gretchen, for an amazing resource that will save so many lives!
(I was given an ARC to read and review.)
February 10, 2020
Christians can experience a different set of fears than other people considering divorce in unhealthy marriages, including the knowledge that many have been stigmatized in the church for choosing divorce. They also fear, as many outside the church fear as well, that their children will be harmed by such a divorce. Written by a Christian with many years of experience supporting and listening to the stories of other divorced Christians, this book explains the background of those fears and seeks to correct mistaken ideas about divorce in the Christian community. It is full of powerful biblical support for what the author describes as "life-saving" divorce, as well as a useful look at historical precedent and some practical tips. The author also provides a useful list of further reading at the end.
In the first few chapters, Baskerville addresses facets of church culture that she believes contribute to the foundation of many unhealthy marriages in the first place, and keep people "stuck" in such marriages long after they become emotionally destructive to the innocent spouse, and even physically dangerous to the spouse and children. Here is where the author may (unfortunately) lose parts of the audience that most need to hear her message, because although her assessment of certain church teachings does reflect her own experience and that of others internalizing their perceptions of bad teaching, for those of us in the conservative church it can come across as a caricature. While some churches may teach such things in so many words, most would likely deny that this represents the content of their actual teachings, and it may sound inadvertently like the author is no friend to the evangelical church. That would not be a problem except that those churchgoers are her intended audience (back of cover, to reader: "...you're probably worried about going against God's will"). If a reader feels the author is prejudiced against their church's teachings right at the outset, they will likely have trouble trusting the rest of her message as well, and this would be unfortunate.
Example #1:
"[A woman's church taught that ] if you do have premarital sex, you are promiscuous, God will send you to hell..." (p.45)
I think very few (if any) churches would agree they teach this. Conservative evangelical churches teach that avoidance of hell depends on faith in Christ. The argument would have been stronger if rephrased along these lines: "The unbiblical focus on sexual purity in some church communities leads many to believe that 'right sex,' rather than forgiveness of sin through Jesus, is the way to avoid God's wrath and an eternity in hell." As phrased, it will raise a lot of warning bells in the minds of conservative readers, who may then decide not to read further. "If she's exaggerating here, where else is she exaggerating?"
Example #2:
"Complementarianism... is related closely to biblical patriarchy... [and then follows a paragraph on biblical patriarchy, quoting from the CBMW Danvers Statement.]" (p.36)
Some churches do teach patriarchy, but CBMW does not do so, so this is a false equivalence that they will spot right away. I'm no fan of the Danvers Statement, nor do I ascribe to what is commonly called "complementarianism" in today's American church, but I have always attended complementarian churches, so I know what they believe. Complementarian teachings may rightly be accused of being prone to misuse by abusive men, but most complementarians are NOT abusive, and they know this. The author's statement a few paragraphs later that "in many marriages this works beautifully, and the couple is very happy together" (p.37) is not soon enough, and, in my opinion, does not negate the "turn-off" factor of the initial statements.
Example #3:
The author presents "holding to the teachings of purity culture" (p.30) as one of the "biggest risk factors" for getting into a bad marriage. As I'm a conservative Christian who believes the Bible teaches sexual abstinence outside of marriage (being a conservative Christian is why I'm reading this book in the first place, instead of a secular book on divorce), she would have lost me there if I had just picked up this book to glance through it in a book store. On p. 32, she goes further, listing as one of the "bad" teachings that lead to dangerous marriages that "[young people] have been taught they can't have sex until they marry..." followed by 8 more pages of material with multiple negative statements about "purity culture" and this teaching before stating that "there's nothing wrong with believing sex belongs in marriage." (p. 40) This framing was a huge problem for me, and although I was glad to see her later statement, it wasn't soon enough. Again, I would like to use this book as a resource for Christian women struggling with the idea of ending an unhealthy marriage, but I will lose credibility as a Christian teacher if I give them materials that imply a basic biblical tenet like "sex is for marriage" is causing harm. Even if it were true, they simply won't listen to anything else I have to say on the subject.
So I'd give this caution to readers who do attend very conservative evangelical churches that teach purity and complementarity: be aware of the author's potential bias, but DON'T STOP reading!
Why?
1. The church needs to know that their teachings are coming across this way to many people. For instance, Baskerville points out that many churches seem to imply a healthy marriage is guaranteed when a churchgoer follows the right formula, and that this is a sort of "prosperity gospel." (p.45) That's something for churches need to consider as they examine the inappropriate emphasis they may be placing on formulaic approaches to life (and marriage in particular).
2. There are all kinds of eye-opening Bible-based takeaways. One particularly helpful section reminds readers that God's words in other relationship contexts apply to those WITHIN marriages as much as to those in any other relationship. "You are free to end your association with a sexually immoral, drunk, emotionally or financially abusive person [1 Cor. 5:11]… You are free to throw off a yoke of slavery [Gal. 5:1]… You are free to walk away from selfish, mean, out-of-control, abusive people [2 Tim 3:1-5]… God doesn't like violent people [Ps 11:5]." (p. 55-56)
3. The church has a long history in modern times of stigmatizing divorcees in our communities. Baskerville does a great job of dismantling the grounds for such stigmas, reminding us through statements and real-life examples that it is wrong to assume a divorced Christian was less committed to the sanctity of marriage than a Christian who remained married (see ch. 3), that marriage is not the goal anyway (p.51), and that Christians in unhealthy marriages may indeed need to divorce in spite of the objections of church leaders/friends-- and that that is okay (p.63, 65). In fact, I'd like to see ch. 3's twenty-seven myths turned into a takeaway booklet all on its own! That whole section provides absolutely invaluable insight.
4. Once Baskerville leaves behind her (sometimes unfairly/unintentionally offensive) initial assessments of what sets people up for unhealthy marriages and gets into the real meat of her theological and practical arguments for life-saving (aka "biblical") divorce in later chapters, there is so much to learn, and so much "hope for people leaving destructive relationships" as the subtitle promises. I've never seen a book so comprehensive on this topic, and so geared towards encouraging people for the future in the face of a loss of their first (or second, third, fourth!) attempts at "happily ever after."
I strongly recommend reading this book on your own, and many portions of it may also be helpful to small group discussion or church leadership education on the subject, depending on whether you feel your church is able to look beyond some initial offense and seriously consider it on its merits.
I have skimmed portions of the whole book, as well as being about 90 pages in from the beginning, and I look forward to finishing the rest.
I received an advance reader copy of this book in return for an honest review.
In the first few chapters, Baskerville addresses facets of church culture that she believes contribute to the foundation of many unhealthy marriages in the first place, and keep people "stuck" in such marriages long after they become emotionally destructive to the innocent spouse, and even physically dangerous to the spouse and children. Here is where the author may (unfortunately) lose parts of the audience that most need to hear her message, because although her assessment of certain church teachings does reflect her own experience and that of others internalizing their perceptions of bad teaching, for those of us in the conservative church it can come across as a caricature. While some churches may teach such things in so many words, most would likely deny that this represents the content of their actual teachings, and it may sound inadvertently like the author is no friend to the evangelical church. That would not be a problem except that those churchgoers are her intended audience (back of cover, to reader: "...you're probably worried about going against God's will"). If a reader feels the author is prejudiced against their church's teachings right at the outset, they will likely have trouble trusting the rest of her message as well, and this would be unfortunate.
Example #1:
"[A woman's church taught that ] if you do have premarital sex, you are promiscuous, God will send you to hell..." (p.45)
I think very few (if any) churches would agree they teach this. Conservative evangelical churches teach that avoidance of hell depends on faith in Christ. The argument would have been stronger if rephrased along these lines: "The unbiblical focus on sexual purity in some church communities leads many to believe that 'right sex,' rather than forgiveness of sin through Jesus, is the way to avoid God's wrath and an eternity in hell." As phrased, it will raise a lot of warning bells in the minds of conservative readers, who may then decide not to read further. "If she's exaggerating here, where else is she exaggerating?"
Example #2:
"Complementarianism... is related closely to biblical patriarchy... [and then follows a paragraph on biblical patriarchy, quoting from the CBMW Danvers Statement.]" (p.36)
Some churches do teach patriarchy, but CBMW does not do so, so this is a false equivalence that they will spot right away. I'm no fan of the Danvers Statement, nor do I ascribe to what is commonly called "complementarianism" in today's American church, but I have always attended complementarian churches, so I know what they believe. Complementarian teachings may rightly be accused of being prone to misuse by abusive men, but most complementarians are NOT abusive, and they know this. The author's statement a few paragraphs later that "in many marriages this works beautifully, and the couple is very happy together" (p.37) is not soon enough, and, in my opinion, does not negate the "turn-off" factor of the initial statements.
Example #3:
The author presents "holding to the teachings of purity culture" (p.30) as one of the "biggest risk factors" for getting into a bad marriage. As I'm a conservative Christian who believes the Bible teaches sexual abstinence outside of marriage (being a conservative Christian is why I'm reading this book in the first place, instead of a secular book on divorce), she would have lost me there if I had just picked up this book to glance through it in a book store. On p. 32, she goes further, listing as one of the "bad" teachings that lead to dangerous marriages that "[young people] have been taught they can't have sex until they marry..." followed by 8 more pages of material with multiple negative statements about "purity culture" and this teaching before stating that "there's nothing wrong with believing sex belongs in marriage." (p. 40) This framing was a huge problem for me, and although I was glad to see her later statement, it wasn't soon enough. Again, I would like to use this book as a resource for Christian women struggling with the idea of ending an unhealthy marriage, but I will lose credibility as a Christian teacher if I give them materials that imply a basic biblical tenet like "sex is for marriage" is causing harm. Even if it were true, they simply won't listen to anything else I have to say on the subject.
So I'd give this caution to readers who do attend very conservative evangelical churches that teach purity and complementarity: be aware of the author's potential bias, but DON'T STOP reading!
Why?
1. The church needs to know that their teachings are coming across this way to many people. For instance, Baskerville points out that many churches seem to imply a healthy marriage is guaranteed when a churchgoer follows the right formula, and that this is a sort of "prosperity gospel." (p.45) That's something for churches need to consider as they examine the inappropriate emphasis they may be placing on formulaic approaches to life (and marriage in particular).
2. There are all kinds of eye-opening Bible-based takeaways. One particularly helpful section reminds readers that God's words in other relationship contexts apply to those WITHIN marriages as much as to those in any other relationship. "You are free to end your association with a sexually immoral, drunk, emotionally or financially abusive person [1 Cor. 5:11]… You are free to throw off a yoke of slavery [Gal. 5:1]… You are free to walk away from selfish, mean, out-of-control, abusive people [2 Tim 3:1-5]… God doesn't like violent people [Ps 11:5]." (p. 55-56)
3. The church has a long history in modern times of stigmatizing divorcees in our communities. Baskerville does a great job of dismantling the grounds for such stigmas, reminding us through statements and real-life examples that it is wrong to assume a divorced Christian was less committed to the sanctity of marriage than a Christian who remained married (see ch. 3), that marriage is not the goal anyway (p.51), and that Christians in unhealthy marriages may indeed need to divorce in spite of the objections of church leaders/friends-- and that that is okay (p.63, 65). In fact, I'd like to see ch. 3's twenty-seven myths turned into a takeaway booklet all on its own! That whole section provides absolutely invaluable insight.
4. Once Baskerville leaves behind her (sometimes unfairly/unintentionally offensive) initial assessments of what sets people up for unhealthy marriages and gets into the real meat of her theological and practical arguments for life-saving (aka "biblical") divorce in later chapters, there is so much to learn, and so much "hope for people leaving destructive relationships" as the subtitle promises. I've never seen a book so comprehensive on this topic, and so geared towards encouraging people for the future in the face of a loss of their first (or second, third, fourth!) attempts at "happily ever after."
I strongly recommend reading this book on your own, and many portions of it may also be helpful to small group discussion or church leadership education on the subject, depending on whether you feel your church is able to look beyond some initial offense and seriously consider it on its merits.
I have skimmed portions of the whole book, as well as being about 90 pages in from the beginning, and I look forward to finishing the rest.
I received an advance reader copy of this book in return for an honest review.
February 13, 2020
I have received an advance copy for an unbiased review. When I became aware of domestic violence in the church I watched how women were being excommunicated because they filed for a divorce. Because they chose to not submit under the authority of the church. I began a journey of learning how the culture of patriarchy is a Petri dish for abuse. The permanence of marriage promotes a power over model that enables abuse. As a lay counselor I began getting educated and hearing many stories similar to ones in Gretchen's book that began to unfold how the church is not been a safe place for women in abusive marriages and have caused revictimization, and spiritual abuse. Gretchens book is as thorough and informative as it is compassionate and empathetic towards women who have experienced a life saving divorce or who find themselves wondering how to find safety. The Word of God has been so twisted and the heart of God so misapplied towards women from these conservative camps that put the institution of marriage above the safety and sanity of the woman and her children. When the church is on the abusers side this is tragic. Gretchen covers all the lies myths and cultural biases that bind a woman’s conscience and then carefully unfolds truths in a loving manner. She has her own personal journey experience and expertise in caring for woman for decades. She is credible authentic and empowers women to choose safety for themselves and their children. It is needed in the Christian community. And should be a game changer! I hope that many of those in the church in leadership read this with an open mind and a humble heart and put the safety of the oppressed woman as priority.
March 2, 2020
Wow. I just finished the book this morning. I wanted to read the whole thing before posting a review. Every single Baptist preacher in America should read this book. There were parts where I wanted to cry, parts I wanted to shout, "Preach it!" And parts where I was angry, not because of what the book said, but because so many people just don't get it. Especially when she says multiple times that Christians in dangerous marriages try harder, put in more effort, and stay way longer than the average person would. My mother was in a dangerous marriage for just over 31 1/2 years until she passed away December 20th of last year. She gave it her ALL. Sacrificed her health trying to save a marriage that was non-existent except on paper, and as she said, "Wasted half her life on a creep." Being IFB (Independent Fundamental Baptist), she thought she had to stick to commitment. After all, when "wives submit" and "keeper at home" is drilled into your head for years, you're going to think that's what's right. One of the books recommended in the back of this book goldmine is Why Does He Do That? I got that book from our local library and read it to my mom several years ago. When she found out that book first came out in 2002, she figuratively kicked herself. She said, "If I had known about this book then and read it, I would not have stayed married to your dad." I had to basically tell her that she didn't know what she didn't know. I wish that every single person, especially Christian people, would get this book and read it. It blows the lid off EVERY myth that I've heard from Christians about divorce. Where did these myths even come from? It's no wonder the church is so messed up, considering all the myths they believe about divorce. Marriage has been made an idol in the church, and that needs to stop. Like one quote in the book said, "So clearly the whole thing was about saving my marriage. It... was about saving the marriage at all costs no matter who gets trampled on in the process." That perfectly sums it up. That is, I believe, the view in every church I've been in, and this book is a massive eye-opener. The only thing I didn't agree with was the part about forgiveness because I don't believe that God forgives abusers since they never truly repent, so therefore the victim is not required to forgive. Every single Christian, even if they are blessed beyond measure with a good spouse, needs to read this book. It will open eyes, and I believe it will change hearts and minds toward this topic. I so wish this book had been an available resource years ago. I am glad that it's out now because it's been a huge help for me in confirming what my mom went through and it will help countless others. Thank you, Gretchen!
I received a complementary advance reader copy in exchange for an honest review.
Lisa Kramer
I received a complementary advance reader copy in exchange for an honest review.
Lisa Kramer
March 3, 2020
The Life-Saving Divorce is an absolute must-read. If you have a religious background of any kind, you’ve likely been told that divorce is only ok due to adultery. Often, even that is narrowly defined, and victims of abuse feel stuck and shamed into staying in toxic and dangerous relationships.
I’ve read to around page 100 so far, and I’m reflecting on chapter 3, where the myths of divorce are tackled. If you’re struggling in a marriage and you need to see scripture in a new way and you’re daring to still believe that God is good and that he is “for” you, please read this game-changer.
I’m praying for each reader to be set free. I’m so thankful for Gretchen’s book, and that she took her pain and transformed it into this beautiful expression of love.
*I received an advanced copy of this book to review.
I’ve read to around page 100 so far, and I’m reflecting on chapter 3, where the myths of divorce are tackled. If you’re struggling in a marriage and you need to see scripture in a new way and you’re daring to still believe that God is good and that he is “for” you, please read this game-changer.
I’m praying for each reader to be set free. I’m so thankful for Gretchen’s book, and that she took her pain and transformed it into this beautiful expression of love.
*I received an advanced copy of this book to review.
February 12, 2020
I wish this book had been available two years ago when I walked away from an abusive marriage, or earlier when I was sure it was abusive but couldn’t articulate how. My biggest concern was that I was disappointing GOD, of all things. Nonetheless, I am so glad it is available now as I continue to heal.
Chapter 1: What is a Life Saving Divorce and Chapter 2: Understanding Divorce and Dangerous Marriages lays out statistics and definitions and gives a wonderful overview of how divorces are rarely just wanting something else grass is greener events.
The next few chapters (Chapter 3: Myths of Divorce, Did I Try Hard Enough? & Chapter 4: Am I Being Abused?) may be some of the most valuable for my healing, but already this is a book I would highly recommend for **premarital counseling**. It should be absolutely be required reading for pastors and counselors, anyone walking and talking with someone who is divorcing or has divorced.
I was given a free review copy in exchange for my unbiased thoughts - but can say that I will be purchasing copies to distribute to people who would benefit from Gretchen’s effort and experience.
I have a good bit more to read, and will update my review as I go.
Chapter 1: What is a Life Saving Divorce and Chapter 2: Understanding Divorce and Dangerous Marriages lays out statistics and definitions and gives a wonderful overview of how divorces are rarely just wanting something else grass is greener events.
The next few chapters (Chapter 3: Myths of Divorce, Did I Try Hard Enough? & Chapter 4: Am I Being Abused?) may be some of the most valuable for my healing, but already this is a book I would highly recommend for **premarital counseling**. It should be absolutely be required reading for pastors and counselors, anyone walking and talking with someone who is divorcing or has divorced.
I was given a free review copy in exchange for my unbiased thoughts - but can say that I will be purchasing copies to distribute to people who would benefit from Gretchen’s effort and experience.
I have a good bit more to read, and will update my review as I go.
February 24, 2020
This book is a treasure for any woman who struggles with the "divorce is never an option" culture, and the realities of a difficult marriage. Gretchen brings a clear, insightful and solidly Biblical approach to understanding how a divorce may actually be "life saving." I look forward to sharing this resource with others who need the Spirit-giving freedom this book helps provide.
I'm grateful I had an opportunity to read a free advance copy!
https://documentcloud.adobe.com/link/...
I'm grateful I had an opportunity to read a free advance copy!
https://documentcloud.adobe.com/link/...
February 22, 2020
The Life-Saving Divorce is written mostly for Christians dealing with a discrepancy between church teachings on this topic and their experience. Much of the material coming from the church warns about how difficult divorce is on children, and how much Christians should keep trying to fix their toxic marriages. Some Christian counselors and pastors do not see divorce as an option and are unwilling to help a person leave an unhealthy environment.
Baskerville has done her research to show the traditional messages over the pulpit can lead to broken people. I wish I had this book when I went through my divorce.
I received a free advanced reader copy of this book.
Baskerville has done her research to show the traditional messages over the pulpit can lead to broken people. I wish I had this book when I went through my divorce.
I received a free advanced reader copy of this book.
July 28, 2021
This book gave me the confidence to save my life.
February 17, 2020
Hope and help. Those are two things many people earnestly desire. Unfortunately, it is what those in destructive relationships often don’t receive from pastors, friends and relatives.
Gretchen Baskerville succeeds in bring both to those in destructive relationships in this ten-chapter book. Through use of stories of survivors, statistics, Scripture and straight talk Baskerville enlightens and encourages the reader towards a better future. Liberal sharing of her own story enables Baskerville to permeate this book with empathy.
For those with Christian background, Baskerville does a comprehensive look at the subject of divorce from Scripture. She challenges Christians to look beyond a few well-worn and even taken out of context passages to additional passages that express God’s love and concern for broken people. The result is that the reader is encouraged and freed to know that God cares for the mental and physical well being of his children more than the institution of marriage. Well intention but unhelpful words of friends are given scrutiny. The reader is led to consider that the church sometimes gets divorce wrong.
The book does well in leading the reader to recognize if they are in a destructive relationship. Practical advice fills a whole chapter in the steps necessary to leave or divorce. And finally, research and stories show the way to a happier future for the spouse and the children.
The stories shared with Baskerville that fill this book are authentic in their description of painful marriages, the reticence of leaving and the unexpected happiness that does come in post-divorce recovery.
While the primary audience will be those in such destructive relationship, this book can serve to give better understanding to friends and others who interact with them. Pastors and Christian counselors will find this book to be a challenging read. Challenging in that it will make them question simplistic expectations (e.g. “every marriage can be saved”) as well as past counsel (e.g. ‘just try harder”) that enabled abusive partners to keep their spouse trapped in destructive relationships. Baskerville sprinkles Scripture and God’s grace liberally through this book thus enabling these readers will also experience hope and help towards a better future.
Caring friends and would be safe pastors would do well to study this book. Women groups would do well to do a group study. Seminaries could add this book as a book in their pastoral care classes or at least as supplemental reading. But most of all, this book needs to be in the hands of men and women longing to for hope and help.
Gretchen Baskerville succeeds in bring both to those in destructive relationships in this ten-chapter book. Through use of stories of survivors, statistics, Scripture and straight talk Baskerville enlightens and encourages the reader towards a better future. Liberal sharing of her own story enables Baskerville to permeate this book with empathy.
For those with Christian background, Baskerville does a comprehensive look at the subject of divorce from Scripture. She challenges Christians to look beyond a few well-worn and even taken out of context passages to additional passages that express God’s love and concern for broken people. The result is that the reader is encouraged and freed to know that God cares for the mental and physical well being of his children more than the institution of marriage. Well intention but unhelpful words of friends are given scrutiny. The reader is led to consider that the church sometimes gets divorce wrong.
The book does well in leading the reader to recognize if they are in a destructive relationship. Practical advice fills a whole chapter in the steps necessary to leave or divorce. And finally, research and stories show the way to a happier future for the spouse and the children.
The stories shared with Baskerville that fill this book are authentic in their description of painful marriages, the reticence of leaving and the unexpected happiness that does come in post-divorce recovery.
While the primary audience will be those in such destructive relationship, this book can serve to give better understanding to friends and others who interact with them. Pastors and Christian counselors will find this book to be a challenging read. Challenging in that it will make them question simplistic expectations (e.g. “every marriage can be saved”) as well as past counsel (e.g. ‘just try harder”) that enabled abusive partners to keep their spouse trapped in destructive relationships. Baskerville sprinkles Scripture and God’s grace liberally through this book thus enabling these readers will also experience hope and help towards a better future.
Caring friends and would be safe pastors would do well to study this book. Women groups would do well to do a group study. Seminaries could add this book as a book in their pastoral care classes or at least as supplemental reading. But most of all, this book needs to be in the hands of men and women longing to for hope and help.
February 29, 2020
Many Christian men are taught before they marry that they are to lay down their life for their wife as Christ laid down His life for the church. The struggle for men in a failing marriage is that it's easy to assume, "maybe I'm not laying down my life enough." The typical male mindset is, "maybe I need to do more. Is there a way I can serve more? I have to do something to fix this." Sometimes there is nothing that can be done to fix a broken relationship. It was really helpful reading the chapter on male victims of abuse and betrayal to understand that what I was experiencing wasn't the normal experience of marriage. The two testimonies were reassuring that I didn't have to stay in a marriage that wasn't emotionally and spiritually healthy.
The lack of emotional and spiritual health in our marriage wasn't because she was a bad person, but we were a bad fit and Jesus doesn't fix everything. The church said marriage was a great gift even if you are young and immature (whether that's emotional immaturity, financial immaturity or spiritual immaturity), you have the rest of your lives to figure it out, but her sin compounded my sin and my sin compounded her sin. This is real life and too often as the church we live in a fairy tale world where we are in denial about how sin can affect the other person. Many marriages can be saved before they start by being honest and acknowledging that it takes more than Jesus to make a great marriage. Unfortunately some people are in unbearable marriage and this book is a great resource to show that you don't need to stay stuck in a marriage where you feel crazy because nothing is ever working and you are wondering if your family would be better off if you were not around (or even dead) because things seem so bad. Divorce can truly be life-saving for those with suicidal thoughts when it seems like things never get better.
One pastor equated my wife and I separating, with little hope of reconciliation, to that of spiritual death, but the testimonies showed the opposite, that there is life and spiritual vitality after divorce. Divorce is scary, but the author states in the first chapter, "When we project our fears out into the future, we always forget to project God’s mercy and power into the future at the same time." Reading those words sound great in theory, but the testimonies proved the practical application is true.
For full disclosure, I was given an advance reader copy in return for an honest review.
The lack of emotional and spiritual health in our marriage wasn't because she was a bad person, but we were a bad fit and Jesus doesn't fix everything. The church said marriage was a great gift even if you are young and immature (whether that's emotional immaturity, financial immaturity or spiritual immaturity), you have the rest of your lives to figure it out, but her sin compounded my sin and my sin compounded her sin. This is real life and too often as the church we live in a fairy tale world where we are in denial about how sin can affect the other person. Many marriages can be saved before they start by being honest and acknowledging that it takes more than Jesus to make a great marriage. Unfortunately some people are in unbearable marriage and this book is a great resource to show that you don't need to stay stuck in a marriage where you feel crazy because nothing is ever working and you are wondering if your family would be better off if you were not around (or even dead) because things seem so bad. Divorce can truly be life-saving for those with suicidal thoughts when it seems like things never get better.
One pastor equated my wife and I separating, with little hope of reconciliation, to that of spiritual death, but the testimonies showed the opposite, that there is life and spiritual vitality after divorce. Divorce is scary, but the author states in the first chapter, "When we project our fears out into the future, we always forget to project God’s mercy and power into the future at the same time." Reading those words sound great in theory, but the testimonies proved the practical application is true.
For full disclosure, I was given an advance reader copy in return for an honest review.
February 22, 2020
It's been a while since I read a book that impacted me this much. My own traumatic divorce was 25 years ago; Gretchen's book still had me underlining on nearly every page. There were chapters that validated my own experience. It's hard to pick out a section that impacted me the most (they all did). Chapter 6 (What does the Bible say?) was the clearest discussion I've ever read on the biblical reasons for divorce. A summary chart on page 211 was helpful to me. It identified the three Christian views on divorce (the biblical view, New Testament only view, and the permanence view). I immediately realized the view I had been taught was the New Testament only view (the only legitimate reasons for divorce are adultery/sexual immorality or abandonment). As I read this chapter carefully however, the "Biblical View" made so much sense. I saw my own experience in this view. Jesus always placed the value of people above any literal/legalistic law. We see many examples of this with reference to keeping the Sabbath.
And here's a verse I never noticed before: Matthew 19:29 says that some people will have to leave "houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or WIFE or children or fields for my sake... (NIV). This seems consistent with Jesus' placing primary importance on protecting vulnerable people.
As I slowly read through each chapter, I began to realize that many of the dynamics in people's divorces also apply to other difficult close relationships (siblings, co-workers, etc.).
Thank you Gretchen for allowing your experiences to help so many others. This must have been a labor of love and I thank you.
I was given an advance reader copy in return for an honest review.
And here's a verse I never noticed before: Matthew 19:29 says that some people will have to leave "houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or WIFE or children or fields for my sake... (NIV). This seems consistent with Jesus' placing primary importance on protecting vulnerable people.
As I slowly read through each chapter, I began to realize that many of the dynamics in people's divorces also apply to other difficult close relationships (siblings, co-workers, etc.).
Thank you Gretchen for allowing your experiences to help so many others. This must have been a labor of love and I thank you.
I was given an advance reader copy in return for an honest review.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews