!!SPOILERS ABOUND!!
I give this somewhere between 3.5 and 4 stars. So, this book had me feeling all sorts of ways, not all of them good. It's not quite as cut and dried as this, but I was generally left feeling two different ways for each half or so of the book. And yes, some of my feelings changed as we learned more, or at least they grew way more convoluted. I don't really know how to eloquently organize my thoughts on this, so it's just a bunch of rambling and copying from the notes I took as I read. This is a long one.
FIRST HALF:
-Prologue had me hooked and having no idea how the story was going to end, which is always a thrill.
-Was often wondering why Damien Crane singled her out and was so fixated on her. Figured it couldn't have only been her looks, so guessed there was some sort of past there.
-Could not get a read on him, Crane. Often had no idea what he was going to do/say next.
-Supreeeemely annoyed me when Elena would constantly feel guilt for feeling like an intruder in the Nyrmans' personal space. Couple of examples: feeling bad about eavesdropping and feeling she "has no right" to use their perceived belongings (i.e. hairbrush) when they're not there. ??!! Fuck that. If that were me, I would feel no shame. Maybe repulsed yeah, just 'cause they're items of the enemy, but guilty? And then she's the one apologizing when she gets caught. Apologizing when they're the ones committing atrocities against you and your people.
-Wondering if Elena's warming up to Crane was partly due to Stockholm Syndrome (which she even later acknowledges)
-Straight up went ".....what." when she said she was saddened by the officer's death. The officer who beat her and whipped her and was about to brutally rape her. Yup. She was saddened by his death. I'm sorry. What?????? Okay. Maaayybe I can swallow her belief that the punishment was too harsh even though he definitely wouldn't have showed her any mercy if the tables were turned. But to say she was saddened??? Not just regretful, but SADDENED? *throws up hands* I can't. Maybe all my opposition to this says something about me, but I don't care. I actually agreed with Damien when he insisted that he would kill anyone who touched her. When I read the kinds of things the soldiers were doing to the prisoners on the daily, I couldn't help but agree with him. (Side note: I swear I'm not a bad person, you guys. 😅) BUT I was able to understand the not-so-underlying message: two wrongs don't make a right. One wrong is not a justification for another. (a quote straight from the book)
-Felt like Elena was waaayyy too forgiving of the soldiers
-I find it hard to believe that in all her life Elena didn't find out the white flag on the Sariyan doors was the flag of their former country
-Again, wondering why? Why?! Why is he so obsessed with you and what happened in the past that made him fixate on you?! (rest assured, will be answered)
-Feel like author's trying too hard to paint Elena as a good, conscientious person. Just wanted to scream at her, they are torturing and abusing and raping and killing your people and you're still so considerate??!
-A lot of times when it annoyed me that no matter how much pain she was going through, she always managed to be so understanding and selfless and while that's obviously not bad, kinda felt to me like the author was trying to make her more likable to readers. Me personally, I don't like when we readers demand perfection from our protagonists, especially when they're female (because God forbid a female character has flaws and complexity). Yes, moral compasses are obviously great, but no one is 100% that way all of the time. I would've liked to see Elena display just one instance of selfishness, even if it was just in her thoughts. Why? Because it makes her less perfect, more human, and less martyr-like.
-The above thought doesn't apply to when she did things like step in front of her friend before she could be whipped again. Again, things like that, I understand. I think we all do.
SECOND HALF:
-When everything about Damien was revealed, I couldn't escape the sense that he'd grown crazy attached to Elena only because he subconsciously saw her as a replacement for Sarah, especially considering I think it's only been months since Sarah's death?? Not sure. I think it'd be hard to deny that he sees her as someone he can protect and keep from harm, things he wasn't able to do for Sarah. Once I learned he had a fiancée whom he actually loved and wanted to have a family with, I somehow felt his and Elena's connection was...lessened. I don't doubt they actually formed some sort of weird bond, but it definitely wasn't all there if you get what I mean. But then again, they were in the middle of a war, so a lot of the feelings that came from that probably weren't healthy. His backstory made him much more real as a character, but purely on a "romance" level, it definitely put a damper on them as a potential couple. At least for me. But I know this isn't truly a romance story first and foremost. Buuut unfortunately that kind of ruined it for me. I'm torn, though. On one hand, I like that his background made him more human and realistic, but on the other, I would've preferred that if he was engaged to someone else, it was purely out of duty and he didn't harbor any feelings toward her. After learning that, it didn't really feel so much to me anymore that he'd really fallen for Elena for who she was. (But then at the end, Martha says the way he looked at Elena vs Sarah was vastly different, so that helped just a little, I guess.)
-I'm personally not a fan of stories where the girl initially starts out as a tool of revenge for the guy, even if he does genuinely grow to have feelings for her. Just never been a fan of those types of stories.
-I liked at the end where Elena acknowledged that she wasn't even sure if what she felt for him was actually love or something else. At least she was self-aware about that. And that he wasn't a "good" man in the strictest sense of the word. I liked that conflict of emotion from her.
-Learning that BOTH sides of the war, not just the Nyrmans, have committed/continued to commit horrible atrocities against the other side makes the whole situation vastly more complex, which I like. Nothing's black and white. This made me contend with questions like: how do you act and react when neither side is "good"? Do you turn the other cheek? Or give as good as you got? Is "two wrongs don't make a right" always true?
-I do wish there was a different ending, but the bleakness of it made it feel more real. I cried. I just knew when he said they'd see each other soon near the end that they wouldn't, and it had my heart sinking.
-Also wish we got to hear a little more of her adult life after the war. Did she remain a single mother all her life? Did she ever find love (again)? What happened to the country? What was life like?
-Very sad that she didn't even have anything to remember Damien by (apart from the obvious aka her son). Not a picture or painting. Just a memory of him. It really hits home how transient our lives are and how human and therefore fallible our memories are. She went through a life-changing ordeal of which he was a huge part and she went the rest of her life with only a memory of him.
-I do wonder if they would've really made it as a couple after the war if he'd lived. What would their lives together have been like in peacetime? Food for thought.
-I just really liked that final image of everyone who'd passed looking back at Elena from up on the hill and her saying she'd see them again one day. That really hit me. I thought it was a very poignant moment.
TECHNICAL ISSUES:
Idk if it's the version I read, but it was full of grammatical errors, numerous typos, weird and improper use of verb tenses, and misuse of words ("retrieved into myself" rather than "retreated into myself" and repeatedly using "phantom" instead of "fathom").
OVERALL:
I was really conflicted on how to rate this because even though there were a lot of things that bothered me, it was compelling enough to keep my attention, which is saying something because my attention span when it comes to books is admittedly not very high and I tend to DNF books early on. But this I finished in the span of a day. It was still a worthy read even if I got really annoyed with the protagonist's inner thoughts sometimes.
Don't get me wrong--I sympathized with her, rooted for her, felt for everything she was going through. I just sometimes thought she was too perfect. I like good people. I want to be a good person, and I think a lot of us like to think we are good people. But war breeds chaos. Civility goes out the window--that, or you could argue that it's during times of such suffering and strife that people finally show their true colors.
HOWEVER, I get the message the author was trying to convey. That even in those times, especially in those times, we need to hold on to our humanity. Even though I was bothered by some of Elena's thoughts, I could see that. Although, I will be totally honest: I also wondered if her sacrificing nature was in part due to a need to make her more "likable" and palatable to readers. And anyway, her sacrificing nature was a big reason Damien fell for her in the first place, soooo idk.
I get that it's extremely easy to judge a character's actions from the safe confines of outside the page. If we were actually in it, we might react just the same. Or differently. There's no knowing. Anyway, this book obviously got me really thinking and reacting and taking it seriously, so there's that.