I expected a story about a ragtag group of lovable and adorable misfits, led by a fearless but flawed leader, having adventures together, with some psychic cats causing mayhem. That sounds like so much fun! However, what I got was a boring group of bland and forgettable random aliens, led by a fearless (obnoxiously so) and flawed (in all the worst possible ways) leader, but the leader just goes and does stuff by herself, and in which some psychic cats don’t matter at all. Let’s break it down!
Our main character, Captain Eva Innocente, is awful. She’s selfish and careless and always seems to get away with everything. Sometimes her crew actually has to trick her into being a good person! Who expects me to actually root for this lady? She’s constantly in these obnoxious fights and battles that she wins so easily, sarcastic all the while and making little quips like she’s a bad counterfeit robotic Tony Stark who won’t turn off. Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up!
So Eva is a one-note “badass,” and none of the side characters have any personality. I felt nothing for them. And honestly, it seemed like none of them cared about each other, either. Eva’s concern for their safety and happiness was very perfunctory. (Because, again, she sucks.)
And, I’m so sorry, but the romance is laughably bad. If you ever pass by me and I’m having a random giggle fit, there is a 100% chance that I’m thinking about the romance between Eve and Vakar. The dude communicates via scent and sometimes smells like licorice or farts or whatever, depending on his feelings. (Mmm, yeah.) His genitals are on his stomach and he’s covered in scales. I think he’s supposed to look like an insect? (Hot.) Eva has an allergic reaction to his skin so she has to take a shot whenever they have sex. (What, needles don’t get you in the mood?) He talks like Siri. They communicate horribly and I do not understand why they like each other.
The plot in Chilling Effect moves at light speed. Not a compliment! It’s like a bunch of short stories crammed into a novel with very little plot linking the action scenes together. I just wanted to cradle the book in my hands and whisper, “Slow down, please, and let me get to know your characters and worlds without all these inane stunts that aren’t clearly described anyway,” but I couldn’t whisper because it would just come out as a rage scream.
And then the book ends. Just like that. Which I was glad for, but it just felt like an extra slap of thoughtlessness to go with the bad writing face punch. I can’t judge the quality of the dialogue that’s in Spanish, even though there is a lot of it, because translations are never provided and I’m unwilling to try to translate entire conversations by myself. I’m not super heartbroken, though, because the English dialogue was terrible so I’m assuming the Spanish wasn’t an improvement.
But beyond anything else, the thing that just outrages me the absolute most? Those psychic cats on the cover and in the book summary do nothing but purr every once in awhile. This was a scam. You can’t treat me like this! I’m calling my lawyer. My lawyer is a cat and she is furious on my behalf.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the e-galley.