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XOXY, A Memoir: Intersex Woman, Mother, Activist
Meet Kimberly, a regular suburban housewife and mother, whose discovery later in life that she was born intersex fuelled her to become an international human rights defender and globally-recognised activist.
Charting her intersex discovery and her journey to self-acceptance, this book movingly portrays how being intersex impacted Kimberly's personal and family life, as well as her career. From uncovering a secret that was intentionally kept from her, to coming out to her family and friends and fighting for intersex rights, her candid and empowering story helps breakdown barriers and misconceptions of intersex people and brings to light the trauma and harmful impact medical intervention continues to have on the intersex community.
Written from a non-queer perspective, and filled with much-needed, straightforward information and advice about what it means to be intersex, this is a vital and timely resource for intersex people and their families, as well as the general reader.
Charting her intersex discovery and her journey to self-acceptance, this book movingly portrays how being intersex impacted Kimberly's personal and family life, as well as her career. From uncovering a secret that was intentionally kept from her, to coming out to her family and friends and fighting for intersex rights, her candid and empowering story helps breakdown barriers and misconceptions of intersex people and brings to light the trauma and harmful impact medical intervention continues to have on the intersex community.
Written from a non-queer perspective, and filled with much-needed, straightforward information and advice about what it means to be intersex, this is a vital and timely resource for intersex people and their families, as well as the general reader.
272 pages, Paperback
First published March 19, 2020
25 people are currently reading
727 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews
May 7, 2020
XOXY is a memoir about being an intersex woman. Memoirs are always personal, but this one feels extremely so. Kimberly Zieselman speaks candidly about her life as an intersex woman, her experiences with doctors, her family, and her work as an intersex activist. The book is well written and engaging, and the story it tells is heartbreaking and moving.
Intersex is something I was aware of, having been involved in LGBTQ+ activism in the past, but being aware of something and truly understanding it are two very different things. Intersex is often ignored, both by the general public and the LGBTQ+ community, and when it isn't ignored it is often just paid lip service, ostensibly included but without any actual help or support. I didn't know as much about intersex before I read this book as I would have liked to, or as much as I should have known. Luckily, this book is very comprehensive in the information it provides, and is a great starting point for people who want to learn more.
The book is non linear, switching between childhood and adulthood, before Zieselman's diagnosis and afterwards. I found that this kept the story engaging, and helped to bring context to some of the earlier events in her life as she tries to make sense of her childhood with hindsight. This book does go into detail about medical trauma, and doctors dehumanising her and treating her like a specimen, not a person. As someone who is chronically ill and has had my own bad experiences with doctors, I did find these parts of the book hard to read, but also important, because intersex people are treated in a uniquely terrible way by the medical community. Whilst Zieselman's story is just one intersex narrative, the medical trauma she suffered and the PTSD she then developed are not uncommon within the intersex community.
Zieselman talks a lot about coming to terms with being intersex, and with her identity as a woman. Identity is complex for everyone, but for intersex people there are unique complexities involved in both a person's internal identity, and how they are seen by society. I believe that this book has the potential to help other people, especially other intersex people, to feel less alone, less different. Zieselman talks in depth about the benefits of having a community of people just like you, who have been through similar experiences, and how finding her own community was the first step in understanding herself.
The second half of the book is all about Zieselman's journey to becoming an intersex activist. There is a pretty comprehensive history of intersex activism and the progress the community has made, woven into the story so it still reads easily, and doesn't feel like suddenly reading a text book. If you've ever wondered why the I should be included in the LGBTQ+ movement, then you need to read this book, as Zieselman really shows why, despite the differences between the two communities, we need to work together.
This is not just a story about being intersex. This memoir discusses trauma, mental health, identity, family, adoption, SEN parenting, advocacy and activism, and the importance of accepting yourself and loving yourself for who you are. It has a hopeful message of hope for the future for intersex kids, and a life without shame, stigma and medical trauma. There is still a long way to go but thanks to activists like Kimberly Zieselman, progress will be made. Please, read this book.
Intersex is something I was aware of, having been involved in LGBTQ+ activism in the past, but being aware of something and truly understanding it are two very different things. Intersex is often ignored, both by the general public and the LGBTQ+ community, and when it isn't ignored it is often just paid lip service, ostensibly included but without any actual help or support. I didn't know as much about intersex before I read this book as I would have liked to, or as much as I should have known. Luckily, this book is very comprehensive in the information it provides, and is a great starting point for people who want to learn more.
The book is non linear, switching between childhood and adulthood, before Zieselman's diagnosis and afterwards. I found that this kept the story engaging, and helped to bring context to some of the earlier events in her life as she tries to make sense of her childhood with hindsight. This book does go into detail about medical trauma, and doctors dehumanising her and treating her like a specimen, not a person. As someone who is chronically ill and has had my own bad experiences with doctors, I did find these parts of the book hard to read, but also important, because intersex people are treated in a uniquely terrible way by the medical community. Whilst Zieselman's story is just one intersex narrative, the medical trauma she suffered and the PTSD she then developed are not uncommon within the intersex community.
Zieselman talks a lot about coming to terms with being intersex, and with her identity as a woman. Identity is complex for everyone, but for intersex people there are unique complexities involved in both a person's internal identity, and how they are seen by society. I believe that this book has the potential to help other people, especially other intersex people, to feel less alone, less different. Zieselman talks in depth about the benefits of having a community of people just like you, who have been through similar experiences, and how finding her own community was the first step in understanding herself.
The second half of the book is all about Zieselman's journey to becoming an intersex activist. There is a pretty comprehensive history of intersex activism and the progress the community has made, woven into the story so it still reads easily, and doesn't feel like suddenly reading a text book. If you've ever wondered why the I should be included in the LGBTQ+ movement, then you need to read this book, as Zieselman really shows why, despite the differences between the two communities, we need to work together.
This is not just a story about being intersex. This memoir discusses trauma, mental health, identity, family, adoption, SEN parenting, advocacy and activism, and the importance of accepting yourself and loving yourself for who you are. It has a hopeful message of hope for the future for intersex kids, and a life without shame, stigma and medical trauma. There is still a long way to go but thanks to activists like Kimberly Zieselman, progress will be made. Please, read this book.
February 11, 2020
This was an incredibly interesting and eye-opening memoir. Intersex as a condition is something that I've learned about recently, and something that I refuse to quit learning about. There's so much that I don't know, and so much science doesn't know yet--though what remains important is the respect, honesty, and understanding one has for the intersex community. And what a diverse community it is! Though Kimberly had always considered herself "cis" (ie, being born female and accepting that designation), not every intersex person agrees with the designation doctors have forced upon them. And when I say forced, I mean forced through genital surgery.
Reading Zieselman's memoir has made me so much more aware not only of the struggles and activism that the intersex community works with, but the raw emotions, the feelings of possible betrayal, and the ways in which they're trying to make society more accepting of them.
Reading this memoir was also pretty fun--I moved to Boston two and a half years ago, and Zieselman, having grown up in Boston, remarked upon some street names and landmarks that made me go "I've been there! I know what she's talking about!!" Where it wasn't fun, however, was her discussion of the medical wringer Mass General put her through, from denying her and her parents knowledge of her body, and the denial of a proper response to a letter of her grievances and urges to have them be more open and honest with their intersex patients. Many Bostonians I've met have high high opinions of Mass Gen, so upon reading her experience with this hospital's actions not only many decades ago but recently...yikes. Hopefully since her letter to the and after the soon to be publication of this book, their manner of aiding their intersex patients will be much, much better.
I found this edifying, and so so illuminating. I hope Zieselman never stops what she's doing and continues to fight the good fight. I know she, through her memoir, has certainly educated me and inspired me to do more research and to be a better advocate for the intersex community. This is so, so worth reading.
Review cross-listed here!
Reading Zieselman's memoir has made me so much more aware not only of the struggles and activism that the intersex community works with, but the raw emotions, the feelings of possible betrayal, and the ways in which they're trying to make society more accepting of them.
Reading this memoir was also pretty fun--I moved to Boston two and a half years ago, and Zieselman, having grown up in Boston, remarked upon some street names and landmarks that made me go "I've been there! I know what she's talking about!!" Where it wasn't fun, however, was her discussion of the medical wringer Mass General put her through, from denying her and her parents knowledge of her body, and the denial of a proper response to a letter of her grievances and urges to have them be more open and honest with their intersex patients. Many Bostonians I've met have high high opinions of Mass Gen, so upon reading her experience with this hospital's actions not only many decades ago but recently...yikes. Hopefully since her letter to the and after the soon to be publication of this book, their manner of aiding their intersex patients will be much, much better.
I found this edifying, and so so illuminating. I hope Zieselman never stops what she's doing and continues to fight the good fight. I know she, through her memoir, has certainly educated me and inspired me to do more research and to be a better advocate for the intersex community. This is so, so worth reading.
Review cross-listed here!
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December 1, 2019Wow, what a memoir. The author discovered at the age of 41 that she'd been born with XY chromosomes and that the surguries she had as a child purportedly to remove a dysfunctional uterus had actually removed internal testes. The first part of the book is a sort of coming-of-age story, both her own childhood recounted and her self-discovery of embracing her intersex identity after the revelation of her XY status.
It then goes on to follow her activism with raising intersex awareness, not just visibility but also advocacy--I was shocked and horrified to learn about how doctors had been performing surgery to alter the bodies of babies born with gender-atypical characteristics, sometimes without even the parents' knowledge or consent! Just awful.
The narrative bogs down a bit in places, like when she transcribes pages and pages worth of, say, a speech she or someone else gave at a conference or in an interview, and at times it gets a bit esprit d'escalier in its rebuttals after-the-fact to arguments with anti-intersex doctors with whom she froze up or was silenced the first time around.
All in all, an engaging and informative read which will educate the reader about intersex perspectives and rights.
I received an ARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
It then goes on to follow her activism with raising intersex awareness, not just visibility but also advocacy--I was shocked and horrified to learn about how doctors had been performing surgery to alter the bodies of babies born with gender-atypical characteristics, sometimes without even the parents' knowledge or consent! Just awful.
The narrative bogs down a bit in places, like when she transcribes pages and pages worth of, say, a speech she or someone else gave at a conference or in an interview, and at times it gets a bit esprit d'escalier in its rebuttals after-the-fact to arguments with anti-intersex doctors with whom she froze up or was silenced the first time around.
All in all, an engaging and informative read which will educate the reader about intersex perspectives and rights.
I received an ARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
January 25, 2021
The first half of the book was riveting and I couldn't put it down, the second half was a boring list of jobs she had and conferences run and attended with small bits of interesting information thrown in. I had a really hard time getting through the second half. The very end got a little better but it was a bit tedious. I guess you need to learn things when you first start writing books!
December 20, 2024
Content warnings: medical gaslighting, medical procedures without informed consent, medical trauma, sexism
Kimberly's story is honestly horrifying - after suffering multiple hernias as a child, she was told at 16 that she had to have a complete hysterectomy to avoid developing cancer in the future. In actuality, she's intersex and the surgery was to remove her testicles. Neither she nor her parents were told the truth. She's been on hormone replacement therapy ever since, but for many years the hormones weren't prescribed at an appropriate level. Her primary doctor was implicit in this for decades.
She learnt the truth in her early 40s and promptly turned her skills to activism, fighting to prevent the same thing that happened to her - and thousands of others - from happening to future generations of intersex children. It's a powerful story and while it didn't entirely play out the way I anticipated, I'm still glad I read it.
Kimberly's story is honestly horrifying - after suffering multiple hernias as a child, she was told at 16 that she had to have a complete hysterectomy to avoid developing cancer in the future. In actuality, she's intersex and the surgery was to remove her testicles. Neither she nor her parents were told the truth. She's been on hormone replacement therapy ever since, but for many years the hormones weren't prescribed at an appropriate level. Her primary doctor was implicit in this for decades.
She learnt the truth in her early 40s and promptly turned her skills to activism, fighting to prevent the same thing that happened to her - and thousands of others - from happening to future generations of intersex children. It's a powerful story and while it didn't entirely play out the way I anticipated, I'm still glad I read it.
January 14, 2021
Quite heavy on the acronyms towards the end, but an excellent and important memoir of an intersex person unaware of their medical history until well into their adult life. A critical read for all healthcare providers, particularly for those involved in the provision of gynecological, prenatal, urology, and pediatric care.
August 7, 2021
This is one of those books that as you read it, you can tell how incredibly important this is. Kimberly’s story is built on so much trauma but her passion and drive to effect change is incredible. This is a book that has its gaze set firmly on the future and it is looking positive. I couldn’t recommend this enough.
December 12, 2025
3.5*
An easy yet meaningful read, and a great introduction to what intersex is, and why it is so necessary to uplift intersex voices. I really enjoyed this!
The book could have benefited from another round of editing as there were some typos and issues with pacing, but it was still a great read overall. I definitely recommend this to anyone looking who prefers simple, straightforward books. There is absolutely no room left for confusion here!
An easy yet meaningful read, and a great introduction to what intersex is, and why it is so necessary to uplift intersex voices. I really enjoyed this!
The book could have benefited from another round of editing as there were some typos and issues with pacing, but it was still a great read overall. I definitely recommend this to anyone looking who prefers simple, straightforward books. There is absolutely no room left for confusion here!
November 24, 2019
This book is a memoir of one intersex woman’s story - her discovery of the fact that she was born intersex, but this was hidden from her for many years, and what she did, and continues to do about it.
I was horrified and moved to hear Kimberly’s account of the awful manipulation of her and her parents by doctors, of the long ranging effects this has had on her life. I am so much more knowledgeable now about what intersex means.
The book is well written, and for the most part, easy to read (apart from the emotional aspect). There were only one or two very short parts that I found a little dry - usually involving legal language. I think the author has done an excellent job of writing in such a way that someone with no legal or medical knowledge can clearly understand.
I highly recommend this book - it’s a real eye opener on some of the human rights abuses that have been going on in our own country, right under our noses. I have enormous respect for Kimberly and those who fight with her, I admire their courage.
I was given a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
I was horrified and moved to hear Kimberly’s account of the awful manipulation of her and her parents by doctors, of the long ranging effects this has had on her life. I am so much more knowledgeable now about what intersex means.
The book is well written, and for the most part, easy to read (apart from the emotional aspect). There were only one or two very short parts that I found a little dry - usually involving legal language. I think the author has done an excellent job of writing in such a way that someone with no legal or medical knowledge can clearly understand.
I highly recommend this book - it’s a real eye opener on some of the human rights abuses that have been going on in our own country, right under our noses. I have enormous respect for Kimberly and those who fight with her, I admire their courage.
I was given a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
September 20, 2024
There were incredibly moving and powerful parts of this book that I absolutely inhaled, but also sections that read like a history textbook and were incredibly difficult for me to focus through, especially because of how many different organizations and acronyms were mentioned. I think if this section had been pared down a little it would have been easier to read, and i don't think the author's main points would have lost any punch.
October 9, 2024
This memoir is one woman’s discvery in her 40s that her medical providers have been lying to her since childhood. She had several surgeries and one as a teen she was told to be potentially cancerous malformed female organs when in fact they were removing healthy internal testes. As she learned more about her condition and met others like her she realized they needed an advocate. Thus her journey began to bring awareness to the mainstream of the harm caused to those who are born different when they’re not accepted by the mainstream.
The technical defination of Intersex is a body that has characters of more than 1 gender and it is estimated to occur in 1 out of every 2,000 people. It can be physically developing as one while internally having organs or chromosones of the other. This author developed physically as female to some extent but was born without a uterus or ovaries and chromosone testing came back with an XY result. However, there are many that do not consider themselves Intersex even if they fit the technical defination. Mostly this is due to the association of Intersex as part of the LGBTQI+ community. This is especially true in countries where being queer or homosexual is illegal. The author believes the prejudice against this community contributes to closed minds of those that do not accept.
You learn how words matter. That by the medical community calling it a disorder it lends the belief that they need to be “fixed” or made to fit the one gender mold. Much of this mindset can find it’s roots in homophobia and the belief that a person can only have one sex characteristic. This is often done to infants and young children who are not given an option to avoid unnecessary surgeries that sometimes cause life long problems for them afterwards. She is the first to say that every Intersex person is different and there are a few that need surgery for medical reason but many surgeries are purely cosmetic in nature. It’s still an ongoing fight with many in the medical industry refusing to believe that their practice is wrong and causes mental anguish to many. This book is insightful and she’s honest about her own failings in her attempts to become an advocate as well as expressing the view of many. Most of all she wishes the conversation to exist in the forefront where people take their concerns seriously in the hopes that future children do not have to suffer. However, while she’s had some success including the U.S. State Department admitting that many face forced medical surgies at a young age as well as a small group of physicians citing it’s harm there’s still significant resistance by the medical community to change. This book very much emphasized that the world would be a better place if we could accept the natural differences in others instead of viewing those differences as something that needs to be “cured” or “fixed”.
Here’s links to some of the articles and videos mentioned in the book.
Buzzfeed video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAUDK...
Physicians for Human Rights statement: Unnecessary Surgery on Intersex Children Must Stop
https://ihra.org.au/31680/clinical-su...
Hanne Gaby Odiel, model and intersex activist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86cNy...
U.S. Department of State: Intersex Awareness Day 2016: https://intersexday.org/en/state-dept...
“. . . We recognize that intersex persons face violence, discrimination, stigma, harassment, and persecution on account of their sex characteristics, which do not fit binary notions of typical male or female bodies.
Intersex persons routinely face forced medical surgeries that are conducted at a young age without free or informed consent. These interventions jeopardize their physical integrity and ability to live free. . . “
2017 USA Today opinion piece penned by the author https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinio...
“Working with intersex youth every day, I can tell you these kids are perfect as they are — and they are telling us that their bodies aren't shameful and don’t need to be “fixed.”
The technical defination of Intersex is a body that has characters of more than 1 gender and it is estimated to occur in 1 out of every 2,000 people. It can be physically developing as one while internally having organs or chromosones of the other. This author developed physically as female to some extent but was born without a uterus or ovaries and chromosone testing came back with an XY result. However, there are many that do not consider themselves Intersex even if they fit the technical defination. Mostly this is due to the association of Intersex as part of the LGBTQI+ community. This is especially true in countries where being queer or homosexual is illegal. The author believes the prejudice against this community contributes to closed minds of those that do not accept.
You learn how words matter. That by the medical community calling it a disorder it lends the belief that they need to be “fixed” or made to fit the one gender mold. Much of this mindset can find it’s roots in homophobia and the belief that a person can only have one sex characteristic. This is often done to infants and young children who are not given an option to avoid unnecessary surgeries that sometimes cause life long problems for them afterwards. She is the first to say that every Intersex person is different and there are a few that need surgery for medical reason but many surgeries are purely cosmetic in nature. It’s still an ongoing fight with many in the medical industry refusing to believe that their practice is wrong and causes mental anguish to many. This book is insightful and she’s honest about her own failings in her attempts to become an advocate as well as expressing the view of many. Most of all she wishes the conversation to exist in the forefront where people take their concerns seriously in the hopes that future children do not have to suffer. However, while she’s had some success including the U.S. State Department admitting that many face forced medical surgies at a young age as well as a small group of physicians citing it’s harm there’s still significant resistance by the medical community to change. This book very much emphasized that the world would be a better place if we could accept the natural differences in others instead of viewing those differences as something that needs to be “cured” or “fixed”.
Here’s links to some of the articles and videos mentioned in the book.
Buzzfeed video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAUDK...
Physicians for Human Rights statement: Unnecessary Surgery on Intersex Children Must Stop
https://ihra.org.au/31680/clinical-su...
Hanne Gaby Odiel, model and intersex activist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86cNy...
U.S. Department of State: Intersex Awareness Day 2016: https://intersexday.org/en/state-dept...
“. . . We recognize that intersex persons face violence, discrimination, stigma, harassment, and persecution on account of their sex characteristics, which do not fit binary notions of typical male or female bodies.
Intersex persons routinely face forced medical surgeries that are conducted at a young age without free or informed consent. These interventions jeopardize their physical integrity and ability to live free. . . “
2017 USA Today opinion piece penned by the author https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinio...
“Working with intersex youth every day, I can tell you these kids are perfect as they are — and they are telling us that their bodies aren't shameful and don’t need to be “fixed.”
January 17, 2023
To me, the task of assigning a rating to this book feels particularly difficult; here's why...
((TL;DR version of the review: This book presents an important story that needs to be told and representation that needs to be provided. The writing itself was far from perfect and contained lots of inconsistencies/errors.))
The heart of the book exists at the crux of identities that are otherwise severely under-represented in stories. Zieselman is intersex, but didn't discover this until the age of 41. This book takes the reader through not only memories of her early life--most of those clouded, at least in part, by the trauma of not having known who she was for so long, beyond carrying around the weighted feeling of being Different--but also her relationships, her journey to motherhood, her process to discovery about being intersex, and the way she sort of 'found herself' in intersex activism after that.
The fact is: there are relatively few books containing intersex characters--and intersex characters who are written authentically and with compassion--and, I imagine, even fewer written by openly-intersex authors. This lack of fair and dignified representation is actually a disservice to us all. Not only does such a lack hold us back from understanding, it holds intersex folks back from finding people with whom they can relate and see themselves in.
All that said, there were several instances where there were inconsistencies in this book, things such as: names (of individuals and of organizations) being spelled differently in different uses, relatively frequently changing the order of the letters in the LGBTQIA+ acronym, and other such factual inconsistencies. This was quite frustrating, as I feel this would've--I hope--been discovered and fixed by an editor before publishing. My other main issue with this book was that sometimes Zieselman's writing sometimes veered away from storytelling and headed towards a kind of resume (in sentence form) of things she accomplished.
((TL;DR version of the review: This book presents an important story that needs to be told and representation that needs to be provided. The writing itself was far from perfect and contained lots of inconsistencies/errors.))
The heart of the book exists at the crux of identities that are otherwise severely under-represented in stories. Zieselman is intersex, but didn't discover this until the age of 41. This book takes the reader through not only memories of her early life--most of those clouded, at least in part, by the trauma of not having known who she was for so long, beyond carrying around the weighted feeling of being Different--but also her relationships, her journey to motherhood, her process to discovery about being intersex, and the way she sort of 'found herself' in intersex activism after that.
The fact is: there are relatively few books containing intersex characters--and intersex characters who are written authentically and with compassion--and, I imagine, even fewer written by openly-intersex authors. This lack of fair and dignified representation is actually a disservice to us all. Not only does such a lack hold us back from understanding, it holds intersex folks back from finding people with whom they can relate and see themselves in.
All that said, there were several instances where there were inconsistencies in this book, things such as: names (of individuals and of organizations) being spelled differently in different uses, relatively frequently changing the order of the letters in the LGBTQIA+ acronym, and other such factual inconsistencies. This was quite frustrating, as I feel this would've--I hope--been discovered and fixed by an editor before publishing. My other main issue with this book was that sometimes Zieselman's writing sometimes veered away from storytelling and headed towards a kind of resume (in sentence form) of things she accomplished.
March 25, 2023
I’ve read “XOXY A memoir - intersex, woman, mother, activist” by Kimberly Zieselman
It’s the first book I’ve read about being intersex and it really touched my heart. Zieselman writes very personally about her own experiences. When she was only 14 years old a doctor told both her and her parents that she needed to have a hysterectomy because very high risk of cancer. What they didn’t tell her was that she was born with testes and the surgery was done without the real truth being told. She grew up feeling different and “fake” and anxious about the fact that she’d never be able to have biological children. She met the love of her life and adopted their children. But she didn’t get to know about the truth of her being intersex until she was 41 years old. It became a shock to her.
She was able to meet other intersex people which was a very emotional experience for her. And being a lawyer she also began working for change - that intersex children wouldn’t be treated with unnecessary and harmful surgeries, that the families would be told the truth, for awareness of representation of intersex people and other rights for intersex people.
Reading her story really made me understand the heartbreaking situation for intersex people around the world. And I want to learn more so I can be more aware and supportive myself.
It’s an amazing and important read and I recommend it to everyone!
It’s the first book I’ve read about being intersex and it really touched my heart. Zieselman writes very personally about her own experiences. When she was only 14 years old a doctor told both her and her parents that she needed to have a hysterectomy because very high risk of cancer. What they didn’t tell her was that she was born with testes and the surgery was done without the real truth being told. She grew up feeling different and “fake” and anxious about the fact that she’d never be able to have biological children. She met the love of her life and adopted their children. But she didn’t get to know about the truth of her being intersex until she was 41 years old. It became a shock to her.
She was able to meet other intersex people which was a very emotional experience for her. And being a lawyer she also began working for change - that intersex children wouldn’t be treated with unnecessary and harmful surgeries, that the families would be told the truth, for awareness of representation of intersex people and other rights for intersex people.
Reading her story really made me understand the heartbreaking situation for intersex people around the world. And I want to learn more so I can be more aware and supportive myself.
It’s an amazing and important read and I recommend it to everyone!
October 17, 2020
XOXY is a genuine, moving, and inspiring account of a brave, incredibly motivated woman’s journey to deal with her body - and society - on her own terms. The medical establishment made ill-informed, irreversible decisions while she was a teenager that reflected a bias that the author has made it her life mission to change. I cried, but I also cheered as the author triumphed against odds in a battle that continues today.
You will thoroughly enjoy reading XOXY. It is extremely well-written and hard to put down – a memoir that reads like a novel! It is very informative and yet available - suitable for a wide variety of audiences.
After finishing the book, I was in awe of the author’s bravery and how she succeeded with goals she set for herself, not those handed to her by a society that has traditionally ‘othered’ people with intersex traits.
Thank you, Kimberly, for this wonderful work. It is a must read for anyone who is interested in learning about the strength of the human spirit, and how one incredible person can make a difference.
You will thoroughly enjoy reading XOXY. It is extremely well-written and hard to put down – a memoir that reads like a novel! It is very informative and yet available - suitable for a wide variety of audiences.
After finishing the book, I was in awe of the author’s bravery and how she succeeded with goals she set for herself, not those handed to her by a society that has traditionally ‘othered’ people with intersex traits.
Thank you, Kimberly, for this wonderful work. It is a must read for anyone who is interested in learning about the strength of the human spirit, and how one incredible person can make a difference.
June 30, 2021
Intersex- a child who is born with an underdeveloped XY chromosome.
I had heard of Intersex throughout my life. Now, I realize this was in large part due to the work of people like Kimberly Zieselman. She was born Intersex but only told she had underdeveloped female reproductive organs and needed a hysterectomy at 15. It wasn’t until decades later that she came to understand that lie and how unnecessary surgeries, in the name of “normal” , dangerously effected children without their consent. She has since then worked tirelessly to fight for consent, education of and support of Intersex. This falls within the already existing human right regarding forced child sex organ surgery.
The bravery Kimberly displays throughout her journey is absolutely inspiring! XOXY is a story of hope and empowerment, not because there isn’t a life threatening challenge at every turn, but because Kimberly has chosen to focus on the positive surrounding what once was a taboo condition. I am humbled and in awe of the heroes portrayed in XOXY!
🥀
I had heard of Intersex throughout my life. Now, I realize this was in large part due to the work of people like Kimberly Zieselman. She was born Intersex but only told she had underdeveloped female reproductive organs and needed a hysterectomy at 15. It wasn’t until decades later that she came to understand that lie and how unnecessary surgeries, in the name of “normal” , dangerously effected children without their consent. She has since then worked tirelessly to fight for consent, education of and support of Intersex. This falls within the already existing human right regarding forced child sex organ surgery.
The bravery Kimberly displays throughout her journey is absolutely inspiring! XOXY is a story of hope and empowerment, not because there isn’t a life threatening challenge at every turn, but because Kimberly has chosen to focus on the positive surrounding what once was a taboo condition. I am humbled and in awe of the heroes portrayed in XOXY!
🥀
March 20, 2024
Zieselman is a fantastic writer with a very personal, approachable style. She is not afraid to get deep and as a result, this memoir is a beautiful rollercoaster of emotions. There is so much anger and sadness that follows after hearing detailed descriptions of the resistance so many medical professionals have towards treating intersex individuals with respect. That said, this book also contains so much joy, as Zieselman takes readers through her journey coming into her own as a mother, activist, and advocate. Furthermore, Zieselman uses these highly personal feelings and experiences as a jumping point to highlight the many varied experiences of other intersex people she has encountered in her time as an activist. I think that this book is a great entry-point for anyone looking to learn more about the intersex experience for this reason, as Zieselman masterfully illustrates just how unique, but resonant these experiences can be.
January 19, 2026
Reading XOXY was such an eye opening experience. Intersex issues are something that I've been aware of on the periphery as a queer woman, but I never realized just how bad it is currently. I appreciated the organization of the book, mixing in Kimberly's personal experiences with the current state of medical care and rights for Intersex people (especially children). I was incredibly invest through the first 2/3 but the last third was difficult. It stops being about Kimberly's personal journey and focuses more on where things stand politically and medically. While this is also incredibly important, it was much less engaging to read about. It would've been nice to continue the thread of Kimberly's story throughout the whole book, even though I can see why that was difficult. Overall, I would highly recommend reading this memoir as an introduction to this topic and why it's important. The I is a part of LGBTQIA for a reason and we stand with each other.
December 15, 2023
Rating: 4.75 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️✨/ 5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I must say I really enjoyed this book!
As someone who identifies as LG(B)TQIA+, I knew this would be a book I’d enjoy.
A hearty mix of facts and lived experiences.
The only critiques I have for this book are a few minor issues, mainly regarding typos and other errors, which I spotted a few throughout the book, and from other reviews, it appears I’m not the only one to notice them. For me, it’s a minor problem that didn’t really effect my reading. Although I know some peoples pet peeves in a book are typos, so if they bother you, please bear this part in mind.
I must say Kimberly is an absolute inspiration and legend, the things she has done for the intersex community is literally life changing!
If you want to learn more about intersex people and their lived experiences, this is the perfect book to listen and learn from 😊
x-💜💛-x
I must say I really enjoyed this book!
As someone who identifies as LG(B)TQIA+, I knew this would be a book I’d enjoy.
A hearty mix of facts and lived experiences.
The only critiques I have for this book are a few minor issues, mainly regarding typos and other errors, which I spotted a few throughout the book, and from other reviews, it appears I’m not the only one to notice them. For me, it’s a minor problem that didn’t really effect my reading. Although I know some peoples pet peeves in a book are typos, so if they bother you, please bear this part in mind.
I must say Kimberly is an absolute inspiration and legend, the things she has done for the intersex community is literally life changing!
If you want to learn more about intersex people and their lived experiences, this is the perfect book to listen and learn from 😊
x-💜💛-x
December 15, 2023
Picked up this book as it was basically the only one dedicated to the topic intersex experiences at my local queer bookshop. I was curious to learn about a topic I knew nothing about, and the book, though a memoir, was very informative.
The writing style, on the other hand, grated on me. It reads a bit like a teenager's diary: simplistic, a bit self indulgent, kind of a collection of short anecdotes. I caught myself eye rolling a few times.
That said, I ended up giving it more stars that I thought I would halfway through because she does show increasing self awareness throughout and, you know what, I learned a ton. It's imperfect but starting from a point of knowing nothing, was worth the read.
The writing style, on the other hand, grated on me. It reads a bit like a teenager's diary: simplistic, a bit self indulgent, kind of a collection of short anecdotes. I caught myself eye rolling a few times.
That said, I ended up giving it more stars that I thought I would halfway through because she does show increasing self awareness throughout and, you know what, I learned a ton. It's imperfect but starting from a point of knowing nothing, was worth the read.
July 29, 2022
I give this book five stars because I think every current and future medical professional should read it.
I was going to deduct some simply due to the writing can be clunky and hard-to-read at points where I’d need to take breaks and put the book down. However, Zieselman’s story is so tragically beautiful in discovering her identity, fighting to find her voice, and conquering the medical trauma placed on her unnecessarily in a society that wants to believe gender and sex are binary. She’s a true activist and has inspired me to become more involved in LGBT+ activism, particularly in healthcare.
I was going to deduct some simply due to the writing can be clunky and hard-to-read at points where I’d need to take breaks and put the book down. However, Zieselman’s story is so tragically beautiful in discovering her identity, fighting to find her voice, and conquering the medical trauma placed on her unnecessarily in a society that wants to believe gender and sex are binary. She’s a true activist and has inspired me to become more involved in LGBT+ activism, particularly in healthcare.
September 3, 2024
I'm glad I read this because it had some eye-opening information around what it's like to be intersex, and discovering this late in life.
But I continue to lament the lack of the involvement of professional editors who understand what to leave in and out and how to keep the emotional core that keeps readers engaged in memoirs, biographies, etc. Because otherwise you just kind of end up with a list of events that drags on.
I guess what I'm saying is that so often these days there's something sparkling on the inside of a book, but no one has come along to brush away the dust to let it really shine.
But I continue to lament the lack of the involvement of professional editors who understand what to leave in and out and how to keep the emotional core that keeps readers engaged in memoirs, biographies, etc. Because otherwise you just kind of end up with a list of events that drags on.
I guess what I'm saying is that so often these days there's something sparkling on the inside of a book, but no one has come along to brush away the dust to let it really shine.
May 20, 2020
Wow. This was an incredible book, I couldn’t put it down for 2 days. It is an amazing combination of personal narrative, but also had inspiring advice about advocacy & activism in general. I love the author’s candidness about her emotions and how they aren’t linear as she journeys through this discovery of herself. I didn’t know anything about the intersex community before I read this, but now I’m eager to know more. It has everything that makes a great memoir: honesty, inspiration, humility, and passion.
January 17, 2026
This book could’ve been a long format magazine article. There is an interesting journey here, but it is buried under repetition and what feels like someone narrating their business calendar. Then I went to this meeting and then I met this young activist and then I testified. It’s always the same testimony, the same frustrations, the same oppositions.
Ultimately this is just a poorly edited book. I wish a better editor had helped steer this into a more engaging narrative. How did a book on an intersex life and the evolution of a movement turn out so dull??
Ultimately this is just a poorly edited book. I wish a better editor had helped steer this into a more engaging narrative. How did a book on an intersex life and the evolution of a movement turn out so dull??
December 5, 2025
4.5
Very informative and easy to read.
There is that feeling of privilege mostly at the beginning of the book, because Zieselman is a cishet white middle class woman, but the author is very aware of their privilege, and grateful for it as it meant they were in the position to leap straight into the activist work that needed to be done (without financially hurting their family etc).
Would recommend reading, especially as there are a lot of resources listed in the back of the book.
Very informative and easy to read.
There is that feeling of privilege mostly at the beginning of the book, because Zieselman is a cishet white middle class woman, but the author is very aware of their privilege, and grateful for it as it meant they were in the position to leap straight into the activist work that needed to be done (without financially hurting their family etc).
Would recommend reading, especially as there are a lot of resources listed in the back of the book.
August 27, 2021
TW: intersexphobia, internalised intersexphobia, surgery without consent, trauma, ptsd, burnout, disassociation, gaslighting, adoption outside home country (I know this is triggering for some)
I sobbed while reading this (my similar experience was not being informed of my autism diagnosis). A call to arms to stop Dr's and parents hurting their children for the sake of 'sociatal normalcy'.
I sobbed while reading this (my similar experience was not being informed of my autism diagnosis). A call to arms to stop Dr's and parents hurting their children for the sake of 'sociatal normalcy'.
October 17, 2022
The beginning is very good, the middle drags, and then it wraps up fairly well. While I understand that conferences and meetings were an important part of her life and thus necessary to include this book - they are very dry chapters to read. Lots of acronyms and names to remember and not a lot of page turning content.
I appreciate her sharing her story.
I appreciate her sharing her story.
November 3, 2020
very weirdly written: big chunks of extracted text from UN resolutions, a choppy structure that disappears towards the end, a lot of repetition. An interesting journey and perspective, but felt the writing let it down.
July 31, 2025
I just could not into this. As much as the subject matter is so very important, something just did not click for me. I felt it quite dry and didn’t really fell like I was learning much. I’m not sure why but I struggled to get through this.
September 1, 2025
I really enjoyed this book at the beginning. I also loved everything I was able to learn about being intersex from her story. It just became so dry in the second half and I had a very hard time pushing through to the end.
March 17, 2020
What a well told and informative read. This is a subject I knew nothing about. Straight forward and candid it's a story that will resonate long after you finish. Happy reading! #XOXY #NetGalley
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