Don't Smell The Flowers! They Want To Steal Your Bones!

by Duncan P. Bradshaw

The sleepy village of Charlton is under assault. Not from crazies, zombies or radioactively enhanced mutants, but from locally grown flowers. These devilish orchids lure people in with their favourite smell, before rendering them unconscious, just so they can pilfer a piece of the victim's skeleton.

As doctors and paramedics are pushed to breaking point, it's down to scantily clad detective, Harry Surge, to root out who's behind this unconventional attack. To nip this in the bud, Harry is going to have to call in old favours, investigate the history of the village, leave no leaf unturned, and commandeer as many different vehicles as he can get away with. Even ones he doesn't know how to spell.

Brace yourself for a peculiar hike through rural England, bring a packed lunch if you get peckish, but whatever you do, DON'T SMELL THE FLOWERS! Cos, ya know, THEY WANT TO STEAL YOUR BONES!
Damn, I'm good. Never thought I'd be able to get the title into the synopsis. Ten points to me, none to you. You've got a mountain to climb now, loser.

Book 3 in the GoreCom Series is a cautionary tale about the folly of smelling flowers without considering what they might want from you in return. The silliness ante is well and truly raised, and the fourth wall broken.

Also included (because Duncan is so bloody kind to you lot), is a walkthrough of the real-life locales contained within the book AND a deleted scene...now...go away.

Genres: Horror

170 pages, Paperback

Published May 1, 2020

About the author

I live in the simply marvelous county of Wiltshire in England with my wife Debbie and our two cats, Rafa and Pepe.

We wile away the wee hours learning arcane incantations and medieval wind instruments, surviving solely on what our two furry faced fellows bring us. Winter is a bleak time indeed, when the common vole, the staple of our diet slumbers deep within the earth.

After writing a number of books and stories on the undead to begin with, I now write whatever weird and wonderful stories infect my brain. Sitting outside of conventional genres, my books have a mix of comedy, horror and the bizarre, you can never be too sure what the hell is going to happen next.

With my own label, EyeCue Productions, the physical copies of my books are something a little different. And with my own genre of GoreCom invented, a whole new level of EPICness is inbound. Don't worry about a seatbelt, let yourself get thrown through the windscreen of weirdness and see how you get on.

Reviews

[Frank · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rating DON'T SMELL THE FLOWER! THEY WANT TO STEAL YOUR BONES! is a bit of a challenge. You see, there was this trebuchet, not just any trebuchet but a 1/3rd scale trebuchet. It was glorious. I loved the trebuchet. I consider the trebuchet the best character in the book.

But then, inexplicably, the trebuchet disappeared. Where, oh were, had my little trebuchet gone? Oh where, oh where could it be? Turns out, the author forgot about it. No really, he did. He said so in the text. Or maybe the narrator said so in the text.

DON'T SMELL THE FLOWERS is very aware of itself. It's aware of its triumphs and of its failures. Not only does the book's self-awareness help make it funny it also kind of makes it brilliant (I think.) You see the book understands the story goes off the rails sometimes. It acknowledges that and moves on. No, the writer doesn't go back and rewrite and edit and retool and rework until it all meshes together. No, the book just shrugs like you, the reader will do, and says, "Huh, that's fucked up, anyway so this happens next."

Totally weird. A bit of a mystery. A bit of a thriller. Some bold British comedy. This is slapsticky, this is Monty Python-esque. Its absurd. It's bizarre. It's something you should read if you want something a bit outta left field.

Just bring back the trebuchet!

[Seb · Rating 5 out of 5]

How do I even rate this? 🙈

If I follow what it's said in the novel :
"I just hope this shit still makes sense afterwards, or people are going to give it really shite reviews (to be honest, I think you should. Just to spite me)"
I guess I should rate it low. But still ...

This entire story is utter nonsense, most of the time you can't see what's coming or if you do you're probably as nut as the author himself 🤔

The absurd parts pile up and as they make the most part of the book you'll end up losing some of your sanity before you reach the end.

But all that madness does the trick afterall. I laughed many many times and I rolled my eyes some other but I had a lot of fun and I'll remember this book for a long time !

But really, can something be madder than this? I hope not 😆

[Chanel Chapters]

Have a Clue Cookie with your dog milk.🥛 🍪

This was a bit too fruity loops for me.

2.5⭐️

[Benjamin Langley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the second of Bradshaw's books I've read after last year's chaotic Cannibal Nuns From Outer Space, and I certainly don't think it will be my last. While Cannibal Nuns was wild, this one is utterly feral. The premise is right there in the title. There are flowers; they want to steal bones. Think Day of the Triffids, but the writer's brain has been put through a blender. And then drank. And then been vomitted out again, frozen into a block of ice, and chipped back into shape.
Never have I been so surprised by the twists and turns in the plot. It should be utterly incoherent, but it works. It has its own internal logic where, within the context of the world, somehow, it all makes a cray kind of sense.
Bradshaw sets out to amuse with this story. He warns reads what to expect from the very beginning, so if you read it in the spirit intended, you'll have a blast. I laughed a lot when I read this. Not all of it hits the mark, but Bradshaw keeps piling on strange image after strange image, and line after line, that it wasn't long before I was chuckling away again.
A really enjoyable read. I'm still smiling when I think about it. Then my brow wrinkles in confusion when I try to picture how any o fthr characters look come the finale...

[Leigh F · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book from the author in exchange for an honest review.
I’ve never heard of Duncan P. Bradshaw until requesting this book (sorry Duncan). I will not lie I did not know what to expect, and honestly when I first started reading this book I thought that it was a little crazy. That in hand, this book made me literally laugh out loud and giggle more times than I can count. It was so funny in fact that I read parts of the novel out loud to my friends and had them laughing. I loved the writing style, and the way you never really knew what was going to happen next. The characters, especially my favorite Detective, jumped off the page and had me wanting more of them.

This is a fantastic read, one that I will be recommending to everyone I know. I’ll be looking for more of Duncan’s work from now on.

[Erin Honan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I loved it. I mean, what in the holy hell was that all about?! Have no idea what happened in the second half of the book but know I just still loved it!

[DarkBetweenPages · Rating 4 out of 5]

Today I told Duncan he had a brilliant mind and his response was “My Brain is interesting, good to have a use for it.”

WRITING!

I couldn’t agree more! Duncan has this way of mixing so many ideas together that just somehow work. Not to forget that he creates some of the craziest memorable characters, he can mix humor into the horror genre flawlessly and his writing is always on point.

My first experience with Duncan’s writing was his “Cannibal Nuns from Outer Space”, which I also highly recommend! One of my all-time favourite reads! Right then I knew I was a huge fan of Duncan’s work and his crazy, wacky worlds!

Don’t Smell the Flowers They Want to Steal Your Bones was no different, what a crazy ride of a story! It’s unique, raw, dark, and vulgar all while being extremely hilarious!
This is a story you will pick up, assuming you know exactly where it’s going to go all based on the title and cover alone, just as I did. Oh boy was I wrong!

Reading this story… you will laugh, gasp and perhaps scrunch your nose up in disgust and leave of with “what the heck did I just read????? “

BUT it will all be SO worth it!

This is a story you won’t forget, these will be characters you will think about for a long time!

I wait in extreme anticipation for Duncan’s next release and as I do that, I will scrounge around to find what I may have missed by him in the past.

Thank you so much Duncan for sending me this copy to read and review! I am one forever fan!

And thank you all for reading!

Queen Sweet Arse from the Planet Jiggly- Wiggly!
- Nichi

You can watch my video review here:

https://youtu.be/OkE7jl2G678

[Thomas Joyce · Rating 4 out of 5]

With the evocative title, and breath-taking cover design by Matthew Revert, we know that we are crossing an unseen border, from the mundane and repetitive nature of real-life, into the weird and wacky imagination of Duncan P. Bradshaw. He even includes an “Author Warning”, giving any wayward traveller the opportunity to turn back, and some indication of what to expect on the road ahead. But, in true Bradshaw fashion, no warning can adequately prepare the reader for what follows.

After a brief introduction to the small village of Charlton and its strange inhabitants, both human and botanical, we are thrust into an ongoing police operation, unconnected to the main storyline, but it introduces us to maverick detective Harry Surge. If you’re familiar with any of the English police procedurals of the 1970s, like The Sweeney or The Professionals, or even the 70s-set Life On Mars, then you’re somewhat familiar with the old-school policing style of Surge. He has never heard of political correctness. But he is of course a parody of a character of a bygone age, and is hilarious, especially with his disregard of the proper dress code and where he stores his belongings.

As the plant attacks become more frequent, Surge is visited by the mysterious and not-all-there Barnaby, who delivers pages of an old witch’s diary hidden within giant biscuits which may help solve the riddle of why flowers are attacking. Because, of course he does. We told you it was bizarre. But it is also incredibly entertaining. The way Bradshaw describes the oft-insane situations throughout the book, and ties together seemingly disparate characters and storylines is brilliant. And very funny. While there is a minority of readers who may consider bizarro as a collection of seemingly random ideas thrown on the page in a haphazard way, Bradshaw has proven, through a great deal of care and intelligent writing, that it can be just as entertaining as any other genre.

While a great deal of the book is dedicated to a certain sense of humour (it feels very British; like Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams and Alan Titchmarsh were sitting in the beer garden of a small village pub discussing a slightly comedic take on Day of the Triffids, and Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson ran up with a couple of frying pans, bashed them over the head and stole their idea), when the horror hits, it is bloody. From the descriptions of the flowers attaching themselves to the faces of their victims (think Alien’s facehugger, only more fragrant) to a main character’s “extraction” and appearance later in the book, Bradshaw’s descriptions are disturbing and high-definition gruesome. It is a perfect blend of comedy and horror, a perfect example of the author’s GoreCom brand.

Fans of Bradshaw’s earlier work, especially Mr Sucky and Cannibal Nuns from Outer Space! will know what to expect, and will not be disappointed. For those readers who see the cover or synopsis and are immediately curious (who wouldn’t be?), as long as they approach the book with an open mind and a sense of humour, they will find something to enjoy in the story. Whether it is his hilarious dialogue, the bloody disgusting descriptions of torment he inflicts on his characters, the meta breaking of the fourth wall to reference himself, or the sense that even he doesn’t know where the story is taking him (that he is only along for the ride to document the thoroughly entertaining madness), there is so much fun to be had in the weird and wacky imagination of Duncan P. Bradshaw that we may not want to leave.

[Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Surreal, self-aware, and absolutely hysterical. Oh, and really weird, but I suppose you could guess that from the title.

[Kev Harrison · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a hugely enjoyable romp, with some insanely memorable characters. From the first scene, where a date goes awry owing to a triffid-like episode of bone theft, to the bonkers ending, this book delivered a constant stream of laughs. The narrator's unique approach and constant breaking of the fourth wall only adds to the comedy. Recommended!

[Jesse Guillon · Rating 4 out of 5]

When a crime drama focuses on an unconventional detective who “doesn’t do things by the book”, this usually doesn’t mean that said detective stores equipment in his anus for quick retrieval. But does the world really need another story about a cop who doesn’t use his dumper as a compartment to hold his badge?

Don't Smell the Flowers! They Want to Steal Your Bones! is jam-packed (much like its protagonist’s anal-cavity) with over-the-top visual humour and comedic passages. The prose is unmistakably British - even before the scene about tea-related gang violence - and by the end of the book, the fourth wall is almost non-existent.

The narrative takes time to flesh out even the minor characters who are introduced just to die a few pages later; this is refreshingly rare for bizarro, where a lot of the time, the quick-and-easy pulp nature of the genre forces the story to bolt from one plot point to the next for the sake of a shorter word count. The book is constantly throwing curveballs in terms of both the plot and humour, and you never know what to expect from one page to the next. This is what it looks like when an author’s having fun with their own creation.

The “bad cop” at the centre of this work is a really bad cop at times, which can make it hard to be on his side. Maybe the protag and secondary characters could’ve been given more personal stakes in the central case, instead of kinda just going along with the plot. I didn’t feel like I was fully “behind” the heroes at many points throughout their journey (see the Deadpool films for tips on how to make people root for a violent antihero). I think the non-stop goofball, laughs-before-anything-else nature of this book might’ve worked better if it were about half or two-thirds as long. Then again, I didn’t spot many typos for a book of this length, so that’s a plus.

The novel’s visual art and aesthetic are a bit too nice for its content matter - as in, I can almost see someone’s granny picking up the book thinking it’ll be about gardening tips or full of poems of springtime, only to be greeted with scenes of abstract penis enlargement surgery and men addicted to sniffing dog milk. But most roads leading readers to discover this book are paved with similar stories, so if you’re after a zany tale that never takes itself too (or remotely) seriously, pick up DStF!TWtSYB! today.

[Kelly Rickard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Madcap fun and surreal comedy

This is the first time I've read anything by Duncan and it won't be the last. This was a laugh out loud romp thru the bizarre. There are twists and turns that you never expect and you are just along for the ride with no idea the destination plus the author breaks the fourth wall all the time but you never know when.
The title maybe strange but it explains the premise of the story exactly. Also I loved how on the back cover it has a warning label with skeletons, flowers, mutants, speedos, bread, ride on lawnmower, hostage situation and villagers.


I also loved the cover and character drawings.

[Steve Fenton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like Alice in Wonderland... written by Frankie Boyle... after he fell in love with George Romero... it's the most bizarre outing yet for Bradshaw.

[Karl GT · Rating 4 out of 5]

Absolutely absurd, but I had a good time reading it. Even through the epitome of silliness, the author still makes the story compelling. Also always a huge fan of botanical horror so I was bound to enjoy this book!