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Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship
Parents whose adult children have cut off contact How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? What happened to my loving child? Over time, holidays, birthdays, and even the birth of grandchildren may pass in silence. Anguish may turn into anger. While time, in and of itself, does not necessarily heal, actions do, and while every estrangement includes situation-specific variables, there are practical, effective, and universal techniques for understanding and healing these not-uncommon breaches.
Psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson has developed these techniques and tools over years of face-to-face and online work with parents, who have found her strategies transformative and even life-changing. Gilbertson cuts through the blame, shame, and guilt on both sides of the broken relationship. Parents will feel heard and understood but also challenged — and guided — to reclaim their role as “tone setter” and grow psychologically. Exercises, examples, and sample scripts empower parents who have felt powerless. Gilbertson shows that reconciliation is a step-by-step process, but the effort is well worth it. It is never too late to renew relations and experience better-than-ever bonds.
Psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson has developed these techniques and tools over years of face-to-face and online work with parents, who have found her strategies transformative and even life-changing. Gilbertson cuts through the blame, shame, and guilt on both sides of the broken relationship. Parents will feel heard and understood but also challenged — and guided — to reclaim their role as “tone setter” and grow psychologically. Exercises, examples, and sample scripts empower parents who have felt powerless. Gilbertson shows that reconciliation is a step-by-step process, but the effort is well worth it. It is never too late to renew relations and experience better-than-ever bonds.
288 pages, Paperback
Published May 4, 2020
196 people are currently reading
156 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
November 11, 2020
Audiobook... read by the author.
Tina Gilbertson is a psychotherapist based out of Denver Colorado. She specializes in family estrangement.
The title of this book speaks for itself.
This is the first book I’ve ever read or listened to on this ‘specific’ topic.
It may be the most important book I’ve read all year (unfortunately & fortunately)...
I’m not going to go into details
other than to say it’s useful, painful, ( if hurting), insightful, and compassionate.
Incredibly valuable for those who need this book.
Cuts through blame and shame.
And offers a path to reconciliation and healing
It’s not a panacea.
But it’s very beneficial.
Tina Gilbertson is a psychotherapist based out of Denver Colorado. She specializes in family estrangement.
The title of this book speaks for itself.
This is the first book I’ve ever read or listened to on this ‘specific’ topic.
It may be the most important book I’ve read all year (unfortunately & fortunately)...
I’m not going to go into details
other than to say it’s useful, painful, ( if hurting), insightful, and compassionate.
Incredibly valuable for those who need this book.
Cuts through blame and shame.
And offers a path to reconciliation and healing
It’s not a panacea.
But it’s very beneficial.
June 19, 2023
كتاب عن استعادة العلاقات المنقطعة بين الأهل وأولادهم البالغين المنقطعين عنهم..
كان عندي توقعات عالية للكتاب ده لكن لقيته غير منظم ومفيش ترابط كفاية في الأفكار.. وطول الوقت الكاتبة بتعمل إحالات للفصول القادمة بشكل مربك ولما نوصل للفصول دي نكون نسينا كانت بتحيلنا لإيه..
قرأت النسخة العربي لدار نشر اسمها ملهمون والترجمة كانت كارثية وفي بعض الأوقات غير مفهومة وصعبت الكتاب أكتر..
Mon, 18 Jun ,2023
كان عندي توقعات عالية للكتاب ده لكن لقيته غير منظم ومفيش ترابط كفاية في الأفكار.. وطول الوقت الكاتبة بتعمل إحالات للفصول القادمة بشكل مربك ولما نوصل للفصول دي نكون نسينا كانت بتحيلنا لإيه..
قرأت النسخة العربي لدار نشر اسمها ملهمون والترجمة كانت كارثية وفي بعض الأوقات غير مفهومة وصعبت الكتاب أكتر..
Mon, 18 Jun ,2023
August 6, 2020
I liked the author's previous book, Constructive Wallowing, so I decided to read this book as well.
This book is aimed at helping parents to reconnect and rebuild relationships with estranged adult children. If you are a parent in this situation, I highly recommend the book, which goes over the basics of estrangement and how to go about establishing trust and healthy boundaries. It also provides you with understanding of how you may have gone wrong (and been unlucky), and a game plan for creating a new relationship with your estranged child.
I also recommend this book for the children of parents who have caused them so much pain as to prompt estrangement. It's important to understand the perspective of a parent, even when forced to protect yourself from them.
The author has been accused of being too easy on parents, and at other times of being too easy on children, but I find that overall she handles this very touchy subject with objectivity and compassion. The point is not to pick sides - it's to restore broken primary relationships.
Crucially, the author points out that no child is ever in a position of power in the parent-child relationship, and never wants to have power over the parent. The parent must always be the 'bigger person', because they literally and figuratively are the older, wiser, and presumably more mature member of the relationship.
There's a rich vein of social intelligence to be had here for everyone.
This book is aimed at helping parents to reconnect and rebuild relationships with estranged adult children. If you are a parent in this situation, I highly recommend the book, which goes over the basics of estrangement and how to go about establishing trust and healthy boundaries. It also provides you with understanding of how you may have gone wrong (and been unlucky), and a game plan for creating a new relationship with your estranged child.
I also recommend this book for the children of parents who have caused them so much pain as to prompt estrangement. It's important to understand the perspective of a parent, even when forced to protect yourself from them.
The author has been accused of being too easy on parents, and at other times of being too easy on children, but I find that overall she handles this very touchy subject with objectivity and compassion. The point is not to pick sides - it's to restore broken primary relationships.
Crucially, the author points out that no child is ever in a position of power in the parent-child relationship, and never wants to have power over the parent. The parent must always be the 'bigger person', because they literally and figuratively are the older, wiser, and presumably more mature member of the relationship.
There's a rich vein of social intelligence to be had here for everyone.
August 18, 2020
Thought-provoking and well-intentioned, this self help manual offers a broad reach to those who are experiencing estrangement from adult children. The author provides a therapeutic approach, guidelines which may or may not prove beneficial and a very intellectual thought process to disentangle this very emotionally fraught status in a parent’s life. It is definitely all about the “Tools”- and punches are not pulled, so if readers go into this book anticipating much hand holding and hoping they will come out feeling a touch empowered (as though they have just read Brene Brown), I want to firmly dissuade them of that idea now.
Parents whose children have estranged carry enormous guilt, and author Tina Gilbertson allows them to carry it throughout this book. The onus is put directly on their shoulders. Yes, perhaps, the parent might be forgiven for not being perfect, for being less than - but in the end, the parent will be on the hook for the success or failure of any reconnection between themselves and their child, according to Gilbertson’s model.
I found many ideas interesting, some helpful, but truthfully each situation is so unique, so impacted by so many dynamics, and many variables were not touched on by this therapist.
This book might be a good springboard for someone who is seeing a therapist, and talking about issues of estrangement- but it is such a huge issue that can hardly be addressed fairly in a single book. Kudos goes to Tina Gilbertson for trying.
I think there are no pat answers, no single approach. This “manual” has some “how-to’s”, but readers might be cautious and very compassionate with themselves as they digest the advice.
Parents whose children have estranged carry enormous guilt, and author Tina Gilbertson allows them to carry it throughout this book. The onus is put directly on their shoulders. Yes, perhaps, the parent might be forgiven for not being perfect, for being less than - but in the end, the parent will be on the hook for the success or failure of any reconnection between themselves and their child, according to Gilbertson’s model.
I found many ideas interesting, some helpful, but truthfully each situation is so unique, so impacted by so many dynamics, and many variables were not touched on by this therapist.
This book might be a good springboard for someone who is seeing a therapist, and talking about issues of estrangement- but it is such a huge issue that can hardly be addressed fairly in a single book. Kudos goes to Tina Gilbertson for trying.
I think there are no pat answers, no single approach. This “manual” has some “how-to’s”, but readers might be cautious and very compassionate with themselves as they digest the advice.
July 31, 2021
very helpful book on child estrangement. i am sure everyone feels their situation is unique, and I am no exception. But reading this book (probably the first of many times) gave me a good framework for understanding MY situation and lots of things for parents to work on so they can approach/respond to estranged children in a way that needs are met on both sides.
May 15, 2022
I will hold this book very close for the next steps of my estrangement journey
This book may not be for everybody but there is something in it for everybody.
Being five months into navigating what is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with, this book will help me navigate the next steps with greater clarity. It will not do the work that I need to do myself but it has given me a greater insight and some superb tips and tools with which to move forward. I have a lot of deep inner work to do but it has confirmed to me that I can take those steps forward with the right support, once I have a “full emotional bucket”. If I cannot parent myself I cannot expect to parent my adult daughter, should she want to have me back in her life one day.
It also provides great counsel for how to apologise and to take opportunities to reach out for reconciliation.
It is prescriptive but I have no issue with that.
There is no doubt in my mind if someone does not have a high degree of self awareness, this book will piss them off. Like I said it is not for everyone but I have no doubt there is something in here for everybody.
It is very easy to read, is thoroughly backed up with references and for a voracious reader like me, this is excellent as I find reading and learning very soothing during this very difficult journey.
I know one thing for sure - when/if my daughter is ready to talk, I will be using this book to help me prepare for those conversations. I need to do this for me and for my future relationship with her.
Money well spent. Thank you Tina Gilbertson.
This book may not be for everybody but there is something in it for everybody.
Being five months into navigating what is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with, this book will help me navigate the next steps with greater clarity. It will not do the work that I need to do myself but it has given me a greater insight and some superb tips and tools with which to move forward. I have a lot of deep inner work to do but it has confirmed to me that I can take those steps forward with the right support, once I have a “full emotional bucket”. If I cannot parent myself I cannot expect to parent my adult daughter, should she want to have me back in her life one day.
It also provides great counsel for how to apologise and to take opportunities to reach out for reconciliation.
It is prescriptive but I have no issue with that.
There is no doubt in my mind if someone does not have a high degree of self awareness, this book will piss them off. Like I said it is not for everyone but I have no doubt there is something in here for everybody.
It is very easy to read, is thoroughly backed up with references and for a voracious reader like me, this is excellent as I find reading and learning very soothing during this very difficult journey.
I know one thing for sure - when/if my daughter is ready to talk, I will be using this book to help me prepare for those conversations. I need to do this for me and for my future relationship with her.
Money well spent. Thank you Tina Gilbertson.
October 11, 2021
If you’re estranged from your adult child, this is the book you’ve been waiting for: an honest, realistic, respectful resource that puts the focus squarely on you—the parent who is suffering. Gilbertson charts a healing process for broken parent-child relationships in this compassionate step-by-step guide to making peace with an angry, distant, hurting adult child. Filled with concrete, practical examples of what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child is both invaluable and informative. I read with a pen in my hand because there were so many passages I wanted to remember and so much advice I didn’t want to forget. If you want to repair, rather than perpetuate a painful rift with your child, this is the one book you need.
March 21, 2021
Finding out that it’s ME who needs to change is both challenging and a relief.
It seems I am the Best of mothers to one child and the greatest failure to the other. This has been a difficult thing to understand but I found much valuable insight through this presentation of practical,logical and loving information by the Author.
It seems I am the Best of mothers to one child and the greatest failure to the other. This has been a difficult thing to understand but I found much valuable insight through this presentation of practical,logical and loving information by the Author.
June 4, 2021
An Easy Read that I would recommend to all Families.
Why you need to read on this work?
I would say, you're investing in your future self, and future generation.
Parenting
Emotional Literary
Adult Relationship
Adult-Children Relationship
Friendships
As a Parent, you have the responsibility to model, lead healthy relationship, Own it!
Regardless, Enjoy your parenting journey!
What is this work about?
The Book is about estrangement and relationships. I would say, this can be applied to all kinds of relationship.
Tamil Culture is Honor-Shame.
What is Honor-Shame Culture?
Non-Western Culture has a mix of fear/power, honor/shame, guilt/law.
What does this mean? It means, In Tamil Nadu, Face (munju), looking good is important
An Anglo-Saxon sees it as a lying behavior! However, this is not the truth
How? A Person when invited to an event by Guilt/Law culture to Honor/Shame, would say, I will try my best or even say, I will come - Why? To say, No is losing face in Honor/Shame culture.
Now, what does this work talk about? Estrangement in relationship.
If you are estranged in honor-shame culture, only when you have lot of honor, you'd be able to reconcile.
As a Parent, if you lie to your children, abuse, or use relationship techniques, someday your children would find out.
Therefore, I like how the Author writes about children finding out truth. Children grow up and find out truth.
One Mother had portrayed the Dad as bad person, she merely used children as a scape-goat. Beware, never lie to your children. One day, it will come and haunt you.
Also, Parents who lie to their children are creating a bad impression and role model for relationship.
Most Parents do not realize the ramification of it.
If you are a Man, I would ask you to work on this skills to do life better.
Invest in relationship skills, own up growing in emotions - How?
-Can you label emotions from emotion wheel? [Happy, Sad, Fear, Angry et al]
If Yes, Would you able to feel them? Ask your questions, how do you feel about feelings?
No? Own it, Take challenge to Grow in it.
If you are a Parent, keep growing, continuing learning until the end of your life.
Excerpts, "A lack of ability or willingness to communicate about and through emotions hampers bonding."
What is my own thoughts?
As far as I see among Tamil People, which is my origin culture. (Non-Western Culture)
I frequently compare the West with Tamil Culture. If you are from Non-Western Culture, you can apply this.
I would recommend emotional literacy. I believe those are the glue to real authentic relationship.
Trust is based on kinship i.e relatives, family, clan (caste, religion) as it is collectivistic society i.e identity comes from being in a group. Who you are is based on being part of a family, group, religious group, caste et cetera.
In Tamil Culture, honor-shame is the dynamic of the family and relationships.
One who has honor, his relationship is coveted by others i.e honor bringing things for Men are power, wealth, status, job title, family name.
For Women, sadly fair skin color, having male children, being beautiful et al. Society is strongly hierarchical, unlike the West, individual has a lot of influence, power based on individual rights. Honor is subjective based on what others make of you, therefore there is a strong sense to maintain the honor.
In such a case, on bringing shame, one is ostracized. While Tamil people or anyone from Non-Western culture can transcend this based on, Unconditional love or real love, which transcends shame and honor.
a. Relationships are Dynamic, Keep Investing always, Keep evolving as a Parent
b. Adapt, Adapt, Grow, Observe, Journal.
Admit you don't know anything, and grow slowly in this area.
Outline of the Book
Chapter 1: Faces of Estrangement
Chapter 2: Family History
Chapter 3: Lost in Translation
Chapter 4: Unmet Needs
Chapter 5: Independence
Chapter 6: Re-parenting
Chapter 7: Filling Everyone’s Buckets
Chapter 8: Contact
Chapter 9: Silence
Chapter 10: Special Circumstances
Chapter 11: Reconciliation
Chapter 12: Gifts for Yourself and Your Child
What prevents and is the stumbling blocks in relationship with Parent-Child?
Have we ever taken the chance to self-reflect, confess our own short-comings?
In Religious Tradition, We reflect our own self to a higher-power to confess our behavior, our shortcomings.
Has there been instances where we say? Oh, I was prideful? Oh, I was greedy at that instance? If No, here's an easier route,
In the example case of Christ, he models perfect behavior, therefore easier to keep him as center, slowly growing into more like him.
1)Pride (Self-righteousness), always believing it is other's fault, you as a Parent take responsibility for yourself
2) Ego, Why should I reach out or ask sorry
3) Social Ostracism Parent says, I am going to mold him into the way I want.
4) Age-entitlement Parent says, I am older than him, therefore I know better
Quotes from the author
"After all, it is your Child."
"You reach out first always in relationship."
Some Wise Advise to new Parents:
-Don't Sleep around when you are married, affairs will haunt you and destroy your life
-Truth would come out in some way
-Be Honest and Real to your Family
-Don't Blame Anyone (even if you know, who is responsible)
-Treat your Family as Special, if you can't treat them special, who will?
-Put down your selfish desires
-Ask permission from your children, it creates authentic relationship
-Never Lie
-Allow People to be Who they are
-If you say, you love them, do mean it, if not, those words won't make sense
-If you don't, just be honest, nothing wrong in it
-Create a separate identity outside of family, have a life outside always
-Most Importantly, Work on Boundaries
I would recommend this to all families, parents wanting to improve relationships.
I would recommend Gottman's work.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
Why you need to read on this work?
I would say, you're investing in your future self, and future generation.
Parenting
Emotional Literary
Adult Relationship
Adult-Children Relationship
Friendships
As a Parent, you have the responsibility to model, lead healthy relationship, Own it!
Regardless, Enjoy your parenting journey!
What is this work about?
The Book is about estrangement and relationships. I would say, this can be applied to all kinds of relationship.
Tamil Culture is Honor-Shame.
What is Honor-Shame Culture?
Non-Western Culture has a mix of fear/power, honor/shame, guilt/law.
What does this mean? It means, In Tamil Nadu, Face (munju), looking good is important
An Anglo-Saxon sees it as a lying behavior! However, this is not the truth
How? A Person when invited to an event by Guilt/Law culture to Honor/Shame, would say, I will try my best or even say, I will come - Why? To say, No is losing face in Honor/Shame culture.
Now, what does this work talk about? Estrangement in relationship.
If you are estranged in honor-shame culture, only when you have lot of honor, you'd be able to reconcile.
As a Parent, if you lie to your children, abuse, or use relationship techniques, someday your children would find out.
Therefore, I like how the Author writes about children finding out truth. Children grow up and find out truth.
One Mother had portrayed the Dad as bad person, she merely used children as a scape-goat. Beware, never lie to your children. One day, it will come and haunt you.
Also, Parents who lie to their children are creating a bad impression and role model for relationship.
Most Parents do not realize the ramification of it.
If you are a Man, I would ask you to work on this skills to do life better.
Invest in relationship skills, own up growing in emotions - How?
-Can you label emotions from emotion wheel? [Happy, Sad, Fear, Angry et al]
If Yes, Would you able to feel them? Ask your questions, how do you feel about feelings?
No? Own it, Take challenge to Grow in it.
If you are a Parent, keep growing, continuing learning until the end of your life.
Excerpts, "A lack of ability or willingness to communicate about and through emotions hampers bonding."
What is my own thoughts?
As far as I see among Tamil People, which is my origin culture. (Non-Western Culture)
I frequently compare the West with Tamil Culture. If you are from Non-Western Culture, you can apply this.
I would recommend emotional literacy. I believe those are the glue to real authentic relationship.
Trust is based on kinship i.e relatives, family, clan (caste, religion) as it is collectivistic society i.e identity comes from being in a group. Who you are is based on being part of a family, group, religious group, caste et cetera.
In Tamil Culture, honor-shame is the dynamic of the family and relationships.
One who has honor, his relationship is coveted by others i.e honor bringing things for Men are power, wealth, status, job title, family name.
For Women, sadly fair skin color, having male children, being beautiful et al. Society is strongly hierarchical, unlike the West, individual has a lot of influence, power based on individual rights. Honor is subjective based on what others make of you, therefore there is a strong sense to maintain the honor.
In such a case, on bringing shame, one is ostracized. While Tamil people or anyone from Non-Western culture can transcend this based on, Unconditional love or real love, which transcends shame and honor.
a. Relationships are Dynamic, Keep Investing always, Keep evolving as a Parent
b. Adapt, Adapt, Grow, Observe, Journal.
Admit you don't know anything, and grow slowly in this area.
Outline of the Book
Chapter 1: Faces of Estrangement
Chapter 2: Family History
Chapter 3: Lost in Translation
Chapter 4: Unmet Needs
Chapter 5: Independence
Chapter 6: Re-parenting
Chapter 7: Filling Everyone’s Buckets
Chapter 8: Contact
Chapter 9: Silence
Chapter 10: Special Circumstances
Chapter 11: Reconciliation
Chapter 12: Gifts for Yourself and Your Child
What prevents and is the stumbling blocks in relationship with Parent-Child?
Have we ever taken the chance to self-reflect, confess our own short-comings?
In Religious Tradition, We reflect our own self to a higher-power to confess our behavior, our shortcomings.
Has there been instances where we say? Oh, I was prideful? Oh, I was greedy at that instance? If No, here's an easier route,
In the example case of Christ, he models perfect behavior, therefore easier to keep him as center, slowly growing into more like him.
1)Pride (Self-righteousness), always believing it is other's fault, you as a Parent take responsibility for yourself
2) Ego, Why should I reach out or ask sorry
3) Social Ostracism Parent says, I am going to mold him into the way I want.
4) Age-entitlement Parent says, I am older than him, therefore I know better
Quotes from the author
"After all, it is your Child."
"You reach out first always in relationship."
Some Wise Advise to new Parents:
-Don't Sleep around when you are married, affairs will haunt you and destroy your life
-Truth would come out in some way
-Be Honest and Real to your Family
-Don't Blame Anyone (even if you know, who is responsible)
-Treat your Family as Special, if you can't treat them special, who will?
-Put down your selfish desires
-Ask permission from your children, it creates authentic relationship
-Never Lie
-Allow People to be Who they are
-If you say, you love them, do mean it, if not, those words won't make sense
-If you don't, just be honest, nothing wrong in it
-Create a separate identity outside of family, have a life outside always
-Most Importantly, Work on Boundaries
I would recommend this to all families, parents wanting to improve relationships.
I would recommend Gottman's work.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
July 19, 2024
A valuable resource for parents whose children have gone low or no contact.
February 11, 2023
Such a good book on so many levels. This book could easily be retitled and remarketed as a must read book for anyone looking to improve communication with a teen/young adult. I read it preemptively. My daughter and I are not estranged, but communication has definitely been strained. I learned so much about myself. I’ve already employed some of the tips and I’ve seen immediate improvement in our communication. So many other great tips and suggestions for improving communication in general with anybody you are in a relationship with. I’m going to reread with a highlighter.
May 10, 2022
For someone who admittedly has not experienced estrangement from an adult child, I was deeply impressed with Tina's insight, compassion, knowledge, and experience. Her book mirrors a lot of information from other books I've read on this topic (Fault Lines, and Rules of Estrangement). I joined her "Reconnection Club" after reading, and have found her website helpful and positive from other members.
February 11, 2024
I think this was a really useful book to read as an adult child. It helped me see that I am competing for the role of child still and often in the role of parent.
My one complaint is that it didn't address what to do if abuse occurred in the relationship or from another parent. Or how to deal with the possibility that the parent was unintentionally abusive.
My one complaint is that it didn't address what to do if abuse occurred in the relationship or from another parent. Or how to deal with the possibility that the parent was unintentionally abusive.
July 28, 2024
Nothing about estranged children who were middle-aged when the estrangement began. Entirely different parenting children in their 40’s who are financially independent and not living nearby. I learned very little from this book.
August 29, 2022
Not sure that this was the right book for me; I'm not even sure that this is a problem for me. That said, there was some helpful suggestions in dealing with adult children.
October 28, 2025
Would work for some people. Not for me.
February 15, 2023
I read this after it was given to me by my daughter who has become one of the items listed in the book. Although she said she read the book, I think that she saw only what she wanted to see and that was that the Parents are always wrong and have to bend over backward to their children. When I pointed out that the second example was exactly what she had did she decided to cut us off completely. I only hope that she comes to her senses one day.
July 18, 2022
This is an excellent book for anyone facing this situation. Therapist Tina Gilbertson covers just about every aspect of rifts between parents and adult children. This is not just a book about family estrangement however. It is an excellent handbook on all kinds of communication and self-care. It is highly readable and broken into small sections. Highly recommended for all parents experiencing rocky relationships with adult children. Read this book now to learn how to take care of your own needs and save relationships that may be in trouble.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews