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Mothers, Sons, and Lovers: How a Man's Relationship with His Mother Affects the Rest of His Life
Through exercises and guided meditations, the author provides the means to uncover the influence of the primal bond between a man and his mother and to facilitate healing there—as well as in marriage, parenthood, friendship, and all other relationships of love.
312 pages, Paperback
First published November 23, 1993
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About the author
Michael Gurian
58 books72 followersMichael Gurian is an American author and social philosopher. He works as a marriage and family counselor and corporate consultant. He has published twenty-eight books, several of which were New York Times bestseller list bestsellers. He is considered, along with Leonard Sax, as one of the major proponents of the post-modern "single-sex academic classes" movement.
Gurian taught at Gonzaga University, Eastern Washington University, and Ankara University. His work tends to focus on sex differences and how they contribute to learning.
He is also a co-founder of the Gurian Institute, which trains professionals who deal with the developmental aspects of childhood. The Gurian Institute has trained more than 60,000 teachers from over 2,000 different schools. Some of these schools become "GI Model Schools" and aim to leverage the role gender plays in learning styles.
Gurian taught at Gonzaga University, Eastern Washington University, and Ankara University. His work tends to focus on sex differences and how they contribute to learning.
He is also a co-founder of the Gurian Institute, which trains professionals who deal with the developmental aspects of childhood. The Gurian Institute has trained more than 60,000 teachers from over 2,000 different schools. Some of these schools become "GI Model Schools" and aim to leverage the role gender plays in learning styles.
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
August 27, 2011
I read this book after I read "What Could He Be Thinking?" by the same author. WCHBT I thought very worthwhile and would recommend highly. This one... well, not so great.
The premise, that any man is hindered when he cannot grow up and be a man because his mother hangs on to him, or because he clings to her.... is fairly well understood. Who hasn't seen the 40 year old man who obeys his mother like a 5 year old, or the 25 year old man who wants his mother to stop treating him like a child and thus resorts to violence against women to demonstrate that he's "grown up"? These are chronic problems in our society that does not value men being men, or women letting go of their sons to become men. There is good information in this book, however the delivery of that information gets really bogged down to the point that I can hardly recommend it at all.
The author creates a word picture to describe the process of a boy growing up and becoming a man -- dancing while looking into a mirror. The young boy looks into his mother's mirror, and dances as she has taught him to dance. As he grows, he should look into his own mirror and dance the dance that a man dances, but he gets stuck because his mother wants him to remain a boy. He is not allowed to grow up, his mother keeps him in her mirror and the young man now feels he cannot dance any other dance than the one she has taught him. If he dances differently, it will hurt her, and he doesn't want to do that. So his growth as a man is arrested and sometimes stops. He re-creates the dance for his girlfriend, and later his wife. If he has not separated from his mother, then he projects on his girlfriend or wife the dance his mother has made him dance. The solution? For other men to draw him away from the women, and teach him to be a man.
It would be enough if the author introduced this word picture and stuck with it, but the problem is that he introduces about 3 or 4 other support stories, and then they start getting stacked up. He introduces "The Stone Boy", a story from American Indian lore; Perseus from Greek mythology; and Jacob and Esau from Hebrew Scriptures. Each story tells basically the same story of a young man in relationship to his mother. Perseus breaks away from his mother to win renown and a wife, Andromeda. Jacob does NOT break off with his mother, and kind of remains a mamma's boy until he struggles with the angel of the Lord.
Unfortunately in using all of these stories about boys and their mothers, the author writes with all of them jumbled together. This results in a rather humorous problem, because as the boy is dancing in his mother's mirror, he must speak to the wise ones within, then steal the gray woman's eye, meet Andromeda, and confront his medusa all before his reunion with the goddess-mother! I'm sorry, I found myself laughing out loud because the sentences literally became almost nonsensical!!!
The first half of the book discusses what it looks like be held back from full manhood, and the second half of the book is more of a self-help manual to lead you through a "vision quest" to become a man. The "wisdom" in this book comes heavily from American Indian lore, vision questing and sweat lodge type of work. While no doubt this has a place, I found it interesting that although the author uses Warrior language, he nowhere provides examples of past civilizations who developed real warriors. Sparta comes to mind. I wonder why he didn't use their myths and stories? Spartan mothers are the ones who sent their sons into battle, giving them their shields and saying "Come back with it, or on it". [with it = you were victorious; on it = you are a fallen hero, you fought and died and they brought you home to be buried, carried on the shield; coming home with it but having lost would make you a coward.] Talk about the type of mother this author should have investigated, they not only cut the apron strings but provide a bit of a boot out the door!
This book suffers so much with new age / vision quest language that it becomes difficult to read. It was a great disappointment after having read "What Could He Be Thinking?" and finding it so worthwhile.
The premise, that any man is hindered when he cannot grow up and be a man because his mother hangs on to him, or because he clings to her.... is fairly well understood. Who hasn't seen the 40 year old man who obeys his mother like a 5 year old, or the 25 year old man who wants his mother to stop treating him like a child and thus resorts to violence against women to demonstrate that he's "grown up"? These are chronic problems in our society that does not value men being men, or women letting go of their sons to become men. There is good information in this book, however the delivery of that information gets really bogged down to the point that I can hardly recommend it at all.
The author creates a word picture to describe the process of a boy growing up and becoming a man -- dancing while looking into a mirror. The young boy looks into his mother's mirror, and dances as she has taught him to dance. As he grows, he should look into his own mirror and dance the dance that a man dances, but he gets stuck because his mother wants him to remain a boy. He is not allowed to grow up, his mother keeps him in her mirror and the young man now feels he cannot dance any other dance than the one she has taught him. If he dances differently, it will hurt her, and he doesn't want to do that. So his growth as a man is arrested and sometimes stops. He re-creates the dance for his girlfriend, and later his wife. If he has not separated from his mother, then he projects on his girlfriend or wife the dance his mother has made him dance. The solution? For other men to draw him away from the women, and teach him to be a man.
It would be enough if the author introduced this word picture and stuck with it, but the problem is that he introduces about 3 or 4 other support stories, and then they start getting stacked up. He introduces "The Stone Boy", a story from American Indian lore; Perseus from Greek mythology; and Jacob and Esau from Hebrew Scriptures. Each story tells basically the same story of a young man in relationship to his mother. Perseus breaks away from his mother to win renown and a wife, Andromeda. Jacob does NOT break off with his mother, and kind of remains a mamma's boy until he struggles with the angel of the Lord.
Unfortunately in using all of these stories about boys and their mothers, the author writes with all of them jumbled together. This results in a rather humorous problem, because as the boy is dancing in his mother's mirror, he must speak to the wise ones within, then steal the gray woman's eye, meet Andromeda, and confront his medusa all before his reunion with the goddess-mother! I'm sorry, I found myself laughing out loud because the sentences literally became almost nonsensical!!!
The first half of the book discusses what it looks like be held back from full manhood, and the second half of the book is more of a self-help manual to lead you through a "vision quest" to become a man. The "wisdom" in this book comes heavily from American Indian lore, vision questing and sweat lodge type of work. While no doubt this has a place, I found it interesting that although the author uses Warrior language, he nowhere provides examples of past civilizations who developed real warriors. Sparta comes to mind. I wonder why he didn't use their myths and stories? Spartan mothers are the ones who sent their sons into battle, giving them their shields and saying "Come back with it, or on it". [with it = you were victorious; on it = you are a fallen hero, you fought and died and they brought you home to be buried, carried on the shield; coming home with it but having lost would make you a coward.] Talk about the type of mother this author should have investigated, they not only cut the apron strings but provide a bit of a boot out the door!
This book suffers so much with new age / vision quest language that it becomes difficult to read. It was a great disappointment after having read "What Could He Be Thinking?" and finding it so worthwhile.
January 3, 2019
خوب من ترجمه فارسی این کتاب رو مطالعه کردم که توی گود ریدز نتونستم پیدا کنم، با عنوان”مادران و پسران “با این زیر عنوان”چگونه رابطه پسران با مادرانشان در آینده زندگی آنها تاثیر میگذارد؟” ترجمه از توران دخت تمدن.
در کل یک کتاب صد در صد یونگی هست و تمام مسائل حاصل از نوع ارتباط پسر با مادر و تاثیراتش در آینده خانوادگی پسر به عنوان شوهر و پدر را توضیح میدهد، آن هم به همراه کهن الگوهای یونگی و قصه های اسطوره ای که در باب بلوغ پسران هست، خوب اوایل کتاب برای من که دارم پسر دار میشم خیلی جالب بود که اصلا چرا نوع تربیت پدر با نوع تربیت مادر متفاوت است. چرا مادر ها تا ابد میخواهند که بچه رو به خودشون بچسبونند و ناآگاهانه استقلال بچه رو ازش میگیرند اما پدر ها بچه رو رها میکنند و به فرزندشون اجازه دور شدن و کشف کردن و سفرهای قهرمانی میدهند. دلیلش خیلی ساده مطرح شد که خوب چون بچه از شکم مادر متولد میشه مادر همیشه اون رو بخشی از وجود خودش میدونه وباعث میشه که زیادی حمایتگر بشه و در بسیاری موارد با حمایتش به پسر آسیب های جدی بزنه و فرصت بالغ شدن و مرد شدن رو ازش بگیره . و اما پدر چون تجربه رشد فرزند رو در درون خودش نداره خیلی راحت بچه رو فردی مستقل از خودش میبینه و وظیفه داره که در دوران بلوغ پسر بیچاره رو از دست مادرش نجات بده و تربیت دوران بلوغ رو خودش به دست بگیره.
خوب تا اینجاهام برام من مفید بود و خاطرات مرد ها از مادراشون و تجربه های بدی که از عشق مادرشون براشون ایجاد شده و تا ابد رو ذهنشون تاثیر داشته هم برای من خیلی جالب بوده و صدالبته ترسناک ، چون همش فکر میکردم که وای الان من میفهمم که مادر این آقا اینجا با این رفتار تمام هویت جنسی پسرش رو تو نوجوانی زیر سوال برده ولی هیچ بعید نیست که در چنین شرایطی من هم دقیقا همین رفتار رو بکنم!
ولی به طور کل کتاب بیشتر برای مردها نوشته شده تا مادر ها و در ادامه اش یک عالمه تمرین داره که چطور مسائل و گرفتاری های ذهنی ای که هنوز با مادرشون دارند رو تو وجود خودشون حل کنند و حتی اگر ۵۰سالشونه بالاخره از پسر بودن تبدیل به مرد بشن و اینکه چطور عواقب مشکلات مادر پسری را روی همسرشون منعکس نکنند . من مجبور شدم همه تمرین ها بپرم برم چون برای مردها بود رسما . و فکر میکنم که این کتاب برای شوهر ها خیلی مناسبه 🤣😅، به همسرهاتون هدیه بدین.
اینکه سه ستاره دادم به این علت هست که خوب من شخصا تمرین هارو انجام ندادم که بدونم واقعا چقدر تاثیر داره و اینکه اصلا برای مردها جذاب هست یا نه، و دوم به این علت که خوب خیلی ها هستند که اصلا تئوری های یونگ را نه میپسندند و نه قبول دارند.
خلاصه آقایان عزیز اگر هنوز در گوشه های ذهنتون خشم و کدورتی با مادرتون دارید یا وقتی کنار مادرتون هستید در عذابید و وقتی ایشان را میبینید یکدفعه تبدیل به پسر کوچولوی مامان میشید، کلا اگر هر گره و گیر و گرفتاری تو ذهنتون با زن ها و به خصوص مادرتون دارید و با یونگ هم پدر کشتگی ندارید بد نیست این کتاب رو شروع کنید .☺️
در کل یک کتاب صد در صد یونگی هست و تمام مسائل حاصل از نوع ارتباط پسر با مادر و تاثیراتش در آینده خانوادگی پسر به عنوان شوهر و پدر را توضیح میدهد، آن هم به همراه کهن الگوهای یونگی و قصه های اسطوره ای که در باب بلوغ پسران هست، خوب اوایل کتاب برای من که دارم پسر دار میشم خیلی جالب بود که اصلا چرا نوع تربیت پدر با نوع تربیت مادر متفاوت است. چرا مادر ها تا ابد میخواهند که بچه رو به خودشون بچسبونند و ناآگاهانه استقلال بچه رو ازش میگیرند اما پدر ها بچه رو رها میکنند و به فرزندشون اجازه دور شدن و کشف کردن و سفرهای قهرمانی میدهند. دلیلش خیلی ساده مطرح شد که خوب چون بچه از شکم مادر متولد میشه مادر همیشه اون رو بخشی از وجود خودش میدونه وباعث میشه که زیادی حمایتگر بشه و در بسیاری موارد با حمایتش به پسر آسیب های جدی بزنه و فرصت بالغ شدن و مرد شدن رو ازش بگیره . و اما پدر چون تجربه رشد فرزند رو در درون خودش نداره خیلی راحت بچه رو فردی مستقل از خودش میبینه و وظیفه داره که در دوران بلوغ پسر بیچاره رو از دست مادرش نجات بده و تربیت دوران بلوغ رو خودش به دست بگیره.
خوب تا اینجاهام برام من مفید بود و خاطرات مرد ها از مادراشون و تجربه های بدی که از عشق مادرشون براشون ایجاد شده و تا ابد رو ذهنشون تاثیر داشته هم برای من خیلی جالب بوده و صدالبته ترسناک ، چون همش فکر میکردم که وای الان من میفهمم که مادر این آقا اینجا با این رفتار تمام هویت جنسی پسرش رو تو نوجوانی زیر سوال برده ولی هیچ بعید نیست که در چنین شرایطی من هم دقیقا همین رفتار رو بکنم!
ولی به طور کل کتاب بیشتر برای مردها نوشته شده تا مادر ها و در ادامه اش یک عالمه تمرین داره که چطور مسائل و گرفتاری های ذهنی ای که هنوز با مادرشون دارند رو تو وجود خودشون حل کنند و حتی اگر ۵۰سالشونه بالاخره از پسر بودن تبدیل به مرد بشن و اینکه چطور عواقب مشکلات مادر پسری را روی همسرشون منعکس نکنند . من مجبور شدم همه تمرین ها بپرم برم چون برای مردها بود رسما . و فکر میکنم که این کتاب برای شوهر ها خیلی مناسبه 🤣😅، به همسرهاتون هدیه بدین.
اینکه سه ستاره دادم به این علت هست که خوب من شخصا تمرین هارو انجام ندادم که بدونم واقعا چقدر تاثیر داره و اینکه اصلا برای مردها جذاب هست یا نه، و دوم به این علت که خوب خیلی ها هستند که اصلا تئوری های یونگ را نه میپسندند و نه قبول دارند.
خلاصه آقایان عزیز اگر هنوز در گوشه های ذهنتون خشم و کدورتی با مادرتون دارید یا وقتی کنار مادرتون هستید در عذابید و وقتی ایشان را میبینید یکدفعه تبدیل به پسر کوچولوی مامان میشید، کلا اگر هر گره و گیر و گرفتاری تو ذهنتون با زن ها و به خصوص مادرتون دارید و با یونگ هم پدر کشتگی ندارید بد نیست این کتاب رو شروع کنید .☺️
November 25, 2012
Got through 83 pages and then had to start skimming. In a nutshell, after reading the first few pages, boys grow up unable to have healthy relationships with women because they are under-fathered, over-mothered, and lack initiation ceremonies to assist in separating from their mothers. The author proposes to fix this by what appears to be a very feminine route - journaling. In a latter chapter I see it is recommended to write a letter to their Mother, the examples of which all start with, "I forgive you for...." From a pragmatic standpoint, I think encouraging single mothers to actively find alternative male role models in the absence of a father and for all mothers to refrain from raising what in common parlance is called "momma boys" would suffice.
August 5, 2017
Very good book. It's the kind of book a person should own. I checked it from the library and 21 days may not be enough. There are exercises to do, and suggested periods to wait between chapters in order to give sufficient thought to your efforts.
My mother died 44 years ago. I was only 32 at the time. I feel I knew her as a child knows a parent but never knew her as an adult. I wish I had. Some of the content I therefore sped through more than I could have. I almost said "should" but "could" is a much better word.
My mother died 44 years ago. I was only 32 at the time. I feel I knew her as a child knows a parent but never knew her as an adult. I wish I had. Some of the content I therefore sped through more than I could have. I almost said "should" but "could" is a much better word.
April 13, 2018
The book promises a lot, but it doesn't deliver. I struggled to finish it.
May 20, 2019
It's too.. stretched out, rather than focusing on the long-term effect, it just tosses all the possible causes with little foresight
August 13, 2025
Holy Freud
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews