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240 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2020
Let's say I'm the coach and yell, "Why did you push that guy? You just lost us a good gain, and we may lose this game because of you! That was a stupid thing to do!" Then I stomp away angry. How would you feel? Alone. Dumb. You are thinking that maybe I have given up on you. You would like to hide.
Let's rewind. If I understand how the brain metabolizes shame relationally to form our character, this episode would look very different. First, I would simply look you in the eyes. No words. My eyes would say, "Our relationship is not at risk, even though you messed up." Then I would say, "You seem to have forgotten that we are not the kind of team that gets into little pushing matches when our feelings get hurt. Instead, we are learning to be men of character who can take an insult and walk away because our team is more important. This is a great opportunity for you to learn. Don't waste it."
Can you feel the difference?
Healthy shame affirms the relationship, points out how I am not acting like myself, and reaffirms who we really are, our group identity. I am being corrected but quickly invited back into my true identity. I feel the shame of my failure, but I am not left there long. I think, I do not want to do that again. I am immediately reminded of who I really am. I simply forgot and stopped acting like myself.
"Think of a memory that makes you feel grateful and connected to God in that moment."
Reply: "I closed my eyes and went back to a memory in the mountains of Colorado. I sensed God encouraging me as I watched a red-tailed hawk. "
Prompt: “What do you think God might have been wanting to impress on you by that memory?”
Reply: "As I remembered the wind ruffling the feathers of the hawk, I answered, 'God is reminding me that He loves me and is with me, and I also sense that He is very glad I am in this room right now learning from you.'"