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Trauma Bonding: Understanding and Overcoming the Trauma Bond in a Narcissistic Relationship
'If your relationship is so bad, why don't you just leave them?''If you were in such an abusive relationship, why did you stay with them for so long?''If you knew you were in a relationship with such a toxic person, why didn't you ask people for help?'
If you've ever been asked these questions, aside from being ignorant and hurtful, you'll know it's beyond frustrating. The answer to the above questions, whilst it's complex and often confusing, can be given with two trauma bonded.
If you find you're in a relationship that you know is so toxic that it's crushing your very being, but you can't bring yourself to leave, you may be in the clutches of a tight trauma bond. If you're constantly feeling on edge, forever working to appease your spouse to little avail and like you're constantly being chipped away at with their abusive behavior, then I can understand how emotionally shattering it feels to live this way.If, in the same breath, it breaks your heart to even consider leaving them because you can't imagine life without them, then I can understand that feeling too; because I was trauma bonded to my abusive ex.
From my own personal experience and from the experiences other survivors have opened up to me about, this book will cover the
- What trauma bonding really is
- The 7 stages that lead to you becoming trauma bonded
- The parallels that Stockholm syndrome has with trauma bonding
- The 5 stages you go through when you come to accept you're trauma bonded
- The cognitive dissonance a trauma bond can cause
- Breaking free from the traumatic bond
This book will also include my own experiences and I'll draw upon those to help you really understand trauma bonding, and let you know that you're not alone in being shackled by this emotionally crippling bond. More importantly, this book will help you understand that the invisible chain that tethers you to your abuser can be broken.
If you've ever been asked these questions, aside from being ignorant and hurtful, you'll know it's beyond frustrating. The answer to the above questions, whilst it's complex and often confusing, can be given with two trauma bonded.
If you find you're in a relationship that you know is so toxic that it's crushing your very being, but you can't bring yourself to leave, you may be in the clutches of a tight trauma bond. If you're constantly feeling on edge, forever working to appease your spouse to little avail and like you're constantly being chipped away at with their abusive behavior, then I can understand how emotionally shattering it feels to live this way.If, in the same breath, it breaks your heart to even consider leaving them because you can't imagine life without them, then I can understand that feeling too; because I was trauma bonded to my abusive ex.
From my own personal experience and from the experiences other survivors have opened up to me about, this book will cover the
- What trauma bonding really is
- The 7 stages that lead to you becoming trauma bonded
- The parallels that Stockholm syndrome has with trauma bonding
- The 5 stages you go through when you come to accept you're trauma bonded
- The cognitive dissonance a trauma bond can cause
- Breaking free from the traumatic bond
This book will also include my own experiences and I'll draw upon those to help you really understand trauma bonding, and let you know that you're not alone in being shackled by this emotionally crippling bond. More importantly, this book will help you understand that the invisible chain that tethers you to your abuser can be broken.
56 pages, Kindle Edition
Published February 1, 2020
111 people are currently reading
456 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
October 19, 2020
The author delves way too much into her own personal experiences and fails to offer any concrete, scientific, evidence-based advice. Which, in turn, makes this book a terrible recovery book choice. For anyone keen to profound their understanding of trauma bond and narcissistic personality disorder and trying to recover, I warmly suggest reading Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move on by Cynthia Zayn and Kevin Dibble. The book draws on scientific research and interviews with the narcissized victims. Hope this helps!
December 11, 2020
This is a short read by a survivor of an abusive relationship with a narcissist that is relatable with some good information, definitions and personal examples. While it's not well researched and is clearly self published due to multiple grammatical errors, I found it an informative and helpful place to start understanding the concept of trauma bonding.
"I believed I was fighting for love, and that obtaining love and happiness wasn't easy, and that the tough times with my abuser were just testing my commitment to this person."
The Science of the Bond: " Survival is the primal foundation of human attachment, so when our safety is threatened, ie. by trauma, we naturally turn to someone who is seen as the caregiver in our lives, someone who offers support, and provides protection, and care. When this type of bonding occurs, oxytocin (which is often called the love hormone for its role in reproduction) is released into our brains, promoting comfort and attachment with the caregiver. This then develops in adult relationship, where the 'caregiver' is usually our significant other. ... Because we are all essentially wired from birth to turn towards an attachment figure wen we feel under threat, we instinctively turn to our spouse when abuse occurs, despite the fact that they are the one who is being abusive to us. This then leads to us feeling bonded to them. As humans, we also have a tendency to try to make sense of our experiences, so we work exceptionally hard to rationalize the disharmony between our abusive partners' caring behavior and their harmful actions toward us. This attempt at rationalization strengthens the toxic bond further. To add to all that, abusive partners will often promise to change and will manipulatively tend to the very wounds they created, exactly at those moments when we are most exposed, vulnerable, and hurt."
"The bond... is greater than logic."
"The only way to free ourselves from the clutches of an abusive relationship is to take all the energy that's being wasted on the abuser and focus it back on ourselves. To free yourself is to find the strength to take your focus off trying to fix them, appease them, pacify or change them. Change yourself instead."
**** while I agree with this statement, it must be evaluated through the Gospel which says Jesus is the only way, he gives the strength and victory to overcome the bond and the codependency.
Your Recovery Dos and Don'ts Checklist:
I will trust my intuition.
I will no longer partake in "impossible situations.
I will take one day at a time.
When I'm feeling anxious, I will not panic myself with negative thoughts. I will encourage myself with positive thoughts instead.
I will manage my emotions rather than having them control me.
I will take back my power.
I will believe in myself.
If I feel emotionally unstable, I will not try to connect with the object of my obsession.
I will have compassion for myself and pay attention to my feelings.
I endeavor to build a brand new "toxicity free" life for myself.
I will enjoy the rest of my life. I will remind myself that no matter what I've been through, life can be good.
Affirmations:
I have no more energy to give to people who harm me.
My emotional health is infinitely more important than supplying someone else's ego.
"I believed I was fighting for love, and that obtaining love and happiness wasn't easy, and that the tough times with my abuser were just testing my commitment to this person."
The Science of the Bond: " Survival is the primal foundation of human attachment, so when our safety is threatened, ie. by trauma, we naturally turn to someone who is seen as the caregiver in our lives, someone who offers support, and provides protection, and care. When this type of bonding occurs, oxytocin (which is often called the love hormone for its role in reproduction) is released into our brains, promoting comfort and attachment with the caregiver. This then develops in adult relationship, where the 'caregiver' is usually our significant other. ... Because we are all essentially wired from birth to turn towards an attachment figure wen we feel under threat, we instinctively turn to our spouse when abuse occurs, despite the fact that they are the one who is being abusive to us. This then leads to us feeling bonded to them. As humans, we also have a tendency to try to make sense of our experiences, so we work exceptionally hard to rationalize the disharmony between our abusive partners' caring behavior and their harmful actions toward us. This attempt at rationalization strengthens the toxic bond further. To add to all that, abusive partners will often promise to change and will manipulatively tend to the very wounds they created, exactly at those moments when we are most exposed, vulnerable, and hurt."
"The bond... is greater than logic."
"The only way to free ourselves from the clutches of an abusive relationship is to take all the energy that's being wasted on the abuser and focus it back on ourselves. To free yourself is to find the strength to take your focus off trying to fix them, appease them, pacify or change them. Change yourself instead."
**** while I agree with this statement, it must be evaluated through the Gospel which says Jesus is the only way, he gives the strength and victory to overcome the bond and the codependency.
Your Recovery Dos and Don'ts Checklist:
I will trust my intuition.
I will no longer partake in "impossible situations.
I will take one day at a time.
When I'm feeling anxious, I will not panic myself with negative thoughts. I will encourage myself with positive thoughts instead.
I will manage my emotions rather than having them control me.
I will take back my power.
I will believe in myself.
If I feel emotionally unstable, I will not try to connect with the object of my obsession.
I will have compassion for myself and pay attention to my feelings.
I endeavor to build a brand new "toxicity free" life for myself.
I will enjoy the rest of my life. I will remind myself that no matter what I've been through, life can be good.
Affirmations:
I have no more energy to give to people who harm me.
My emotional health is infinitely more important than supplying someone else's ego.
February 21, 2022
If you are thinking about buying this book, just consider the e-book. The price point of the digital version is much more acceptable, and I don’t really see an added value of buying a paperback version of this book. I paid 1,49 euro for the e-book, and I would not have paid more for the content that is in the book. In total, I made a summary of 4 pages of this book, which is not a lot, from which most of it already was familiar to me. I do believe that there are many other books out there on this subject that go more in depth.
I do want to note that I found the information regarding the bio-chemical processes of the addictive trauma bond interesting, and it does give some sort of relief on the process of breaking it. Yet, apart from some beautiful affirmations and some basic advice, I did not really get much out of it.
When an author shares his/her personal experience, it should be done in a cautious and moderate way, and I don’t really feel like the author succeeded in that. Just as many people, I believe that there is danger in sharing personal details on traumatic events, and whilst they can offer a sense of solidarity and the feeling of being understood, it is up to the person to choose if they want to go into other people’s stories. When it is implemented in a book like that, it can ambush the reader into triggers, which is not quite mindful at all. Of course, I do realise that the author wrote the book as a result of her own experiences, but there are many other subtler ways to shine light on those.
Overall not the best read, but again, considering the price point, not a complete waste of time and money. 2 stars.
I do want to note that I found the information regarding the bio-chemical processes of the addictive trauma bond interesting, and it does give some sort of relief on the process of breaking it. Yet, apart from some beautiful affirmations and some basic advice, I did not really get much out of it.
When an author shares his/her personal experience, it should be done in a cautious and moderate way, and I don’t really feel like the author succeeded in that. Just as many people, I believe that there is danger in sharing personal details on traumatic events, and whilst they can offer a sense of solidarity and the feeling of being understood, it is up to the person to choose if they want to go into other people’s stories. When it is implemented in a book like that, it can ambush the reader into triggers, which is not quite mindful at all. Of course, I do realise that the author wrote the book as a result of her own experiences, but there are many other subtler ways to shine light on those.
Overall not the best read, but again, considering the price point, not a complete waste of time and money. 2 stars.
July 6, 2023
The book has a lot of useful explanations and messages that's unfortunately undermined by the inclusion of the famously debunked Stockholm Syndrome. It doesn't take away from a lot of the content but unfortunately it does waste a chunk of what is a fairly short book.
Having said that, the book doesn't need to be longer than it is. It's not a medical or academic read, it goes straight to the heart of the matter and tells you what you need to understand about these bonds, relationships and impacts on you.
It gives you a sense that you're not alone, you're not at fault and there is a path forward to healing. If you need help starting somewhere, this book will point you in the right direction. It won't replace the support and care your loved ones and mental health professionals provide but it doesn't claim to - in fact it encourages you to reach out to these people as a matter of priority.
Please don't use this to self diagnose. Speak to a trained professional and work with them to understand your situation and what your needs are.
Having said that, the book doesn't need to be longer than it is. It's not a medical or academic read, it goes straight to the heart of the matter and tells you what you need to understand about these bonds, relationships and impacts on you.
It gives you a sense that you're not alone, you're not at fault and there is a path forward to healing. If you need help starting somewhere, this book will point you in the right direction. It won't replace the support and care your loved ones and mental health professionals provide but it doesn't claim to - in fact it encourages you to reach out to these people as a matter of priority.
Please don't use this to self diagnose. Speak to a trained professional and work with them to understand your situation and what your needs are.
March 7, 2025
Not sure how to rate this.. it's the first I've read about trauma bonding (besides a little online) after a friend told me they thought I'm "trauma bonded" to my (now) ex-husband.
I have to think that if you already know pretty much anything about trauma bonding that this is probably too basic. This is more seemingly a way of "explaining" to someone who has never heard the term before what it means.
I doubt I'll go out of my way to acquire or read any others by Kozlowski but only because I plan on learning a lot more on the subject while this might have been more of a cathartic thing for the author.
I have to think that if you already know pretty much anything about trauma bonding that this is probably too basic. This is more seemingly a way of "explaining" to someone who has never heard the term before what it means.
I doubt I'll go out of my way to acquire or read any others by Kozlowski but only because I plan on learning a lot more on the subject while this might have been more of a cathartic thing for the author.
December 4, 2020
DUH....nothing new here....narrator was so bright and cheery she made me want to puke, nothing cheerful about this sort of situation. No new info to impart that you couldn’t figure out yourself or google for free. My therapist told me a year ago, look up two words on the internet “coercive control” that is when I knew what I was in and what needed to be done about it and that none of the “love” was real, disgusting.
August 1, 2021
At 56 pages it hardly qualifies as a book. A college paper perhaps but not a book. The language is judgmental and non objective for a psychological study on narcissism which the author seems to lack qualifications to assess. It does describe very well one side of a relationship through a dark lens. I’d like to know why in every study done on narcissistic relationships that the narcissist is always a male. It would seem that the classification of narcissist would not be sexist.
May 7, 2022
Very good with some information from a former abused woman. I thought she wrote it very well, in a language that would be useful to any person wishing to leave an abusive relationship. Interesting for those of us who studied Psychology. I think more therapist/counsellors would benefit from reading this book. That way they could help their clients much better. Often they completely miss people are in a relationship like this. I would recommend this book.
October 14, 2021
This book changed my life
Words can't describe how much this book has spoken to me. The way the trauma bond is described along with the personal revelations from the author combine to give me understanding, acceptance and even hope. I wish I'd read this many years ago but better now than never even after 22 years of abuse.
Words can't describe how much this book has spoken to me. The way the trauma bond is described along with the personal revelations from the author combine to give me understanding, acceptance and even hope. I wish I'd read this many years ago but better now than never even after 22 years of abuse.
February 2, 2023
Beata
Nice, friendly and clearly way of writing.
I had passed the experience too, but still got hiccups from the experience.. less and less.. anyway it's good to read information about difficult life and understand more and more. Gives relief every time I'm searching some info about that topics.. just recovering..that take long time.
Nice, friendly and clearly way of writing.
I had passed the experience too, but still got hiccups from the experience.. less and less.. anyway it's good to read information about difficult life and understand more and more. Gives relief every time I'm searching some info about that topics.. just recovering..that take long time.
September 20, 2023
A great starting point on the subject of trauma bonds. I found it validating to know it was written by a fellow survivor. Focuses on intimate partners, but is also applicable for parents and caregivers. Not heavy/academic, which might work for some but not for others. Recommended for those new to the subject, rather than for later in their journeys.
June 16, 2020
Read as a reference point shared in Florence Given’s Women Don’t Owe You Pretty. It’s a super short read concise in substance. Leaves you very little time to process the emotion of what you’re reading. Pretty decent.... even if it did make me feel a little sick when I finished.
April 9, 2022
Short, quick read.
There wasn’t a lot of new-to-me information in this book. It was nice to read a little more about trauma bonds. I also liked that the author gave examples from her life.
The book itself was edited poorly though. :/. It seemed like it was thrown together.
There wasn’t a lot of new-to-me information in this book. It was nice to read a little more about trauma bonds. I also liked that the author gave examples from her life.
The book itself was edited poorly though. :/. It seemed like it was thrown together.
August 25, 2024
This book just seemed like it was a well described list rather than an in depth book on the subject. I realized it said it was book 1, so maybe there’s more in subsequent books, but I’m not really interested in seeking them out at this point
May 5, 2025
Short and to the point. Very helpful. This can apply to friendships and religious groups as well. Had this experience with a leaders at a church and it almost destroyed my life. Still trying to break the trauma bond and this book has helped.
September 28, 2025
I read this to try and understand better what my best friend is going through as she is trying to move on from her narcissistic relationship. It definitely gave me more clarity on why she is doing what she is doing. Hopefully she is able to break free soon.
September 29, 2020
Solid information, but short and basic.
August 14, 2022
I felt this book generalized experiences and wasn't as scientifically backed as I thought it was going to be.
May 10, 2023
Tough life for those bonded
Love it, it was written by someone whose been there, lots of feeling words, which narcissist never use. Written from the heart, honest. Thanks Lauren.
Love it, it was written by someone whose been there, lots of feeling words, which narcissist never use. Written from the heart, honest. Thanks Lauren.
June 28, 2023
Short, brief however the author does cover the points of a trauma bond and it is a great place to start for anyone in a bond like this or on the path to recovery.
October 18, 2023
Was expecting something more in depth and more focus on psychology but nonetheless a short and comprehensive review
January 25, 2025
Very very good information
April 22, 2025
This book is an eye-opener. A must read before getting into a relationship or from childhood trauma.
April 26, 2026
A lot of this I realized from research that I was doing. But also very helpful.
March 8, 2025
Wow. Short, but definitely impactful
March 5, 2023
one of the best on the topic
I have read all the books trying to find a way to break my trauma bond. This one is clear, with things to do to help, simply written and to the point. It lined up for me ‘what happened’ with clear actions steps to keep moving forward, I will be recommending to anyone looking for help with this most horrible outcome of abuse.
I have read all the books trying to find a way to break my trauma bond. This one is clear, with things to do to help, simply written and to the point. It lined up for me ‘what happened’ with clear actions steps to keep moving forward, I will be recommending to anyone looking for help with this most horrible outcome of abuse.
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews