rough house: a memoir

by Tina Ontiveros

Tina Ontiveros was born into timber on both sides of the family. Her mother spent summers driving logging trucks for her family’s operation, and her father was the son of an itinerant logger, raised in a variety of lumber towns, as Tina herself would be.

A story of growing up in turmoil, rough house recounts a childhood divided between a charming, mercurial, abusive father in the forests of the Pacific Northwest and a mother struggling with small-town poverty. It is also a story of generational trauma, especially for the women—a story of violent men and societal restrictions, of children not always chosen and frequently raised alone.

Ontiveros’s father, Loyd, looms large. Reflecting on his death and long absence from her life, she writes, “I had this ridiculous hope that I would get to enjoy a functional relationship with my father, on my own terms, now that I was an adult.” In searingly honest, straightforward prose, rough house is her attempt to carve out this relationship, to understand her father and her family from an adult perspective.

While some elements of Ontiveros’s story are universal, others are indelibly grounded in the logging camps of the Pacific Northwest at the end of the twentieth century, as the lumber industry shifted and contracted. Tracing her childhood through the working-class towns and forests of Washington and Oregon, Ontiveros explores themes of love and loss, parents and children, and her own journey to a different kind of adulthood.
 

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography Memoir, Family, Love, Psychology, Biography

200 pages, Paperback

First published September 30, 2020

About the author

Tina Ontiveros is a writer, teacher, and bookseller based in the Pacific Northwest. She was raised below the federal poverty line and her work often explores class, generational hardship, and the social constructs that marginalize the poor. She lives in Oregon where she teaches writing and literature at Columbia Gorge Community College.

Reviews

[Carole Knoles · Rating 5 out of 5]

My only fear about this wonderful memoir is that perhaps it will not reach the wide audience that it deserves having been published by a university press rather than one of the large publishing houses. So many of the generous thoughts of the author reflecting on her “rough house” childhood with her often M.I.A. lumberjack father would benefit from the use of a highlighter to emphasize remembering them. Her ability to paint the scenes of the environment that she grew up in are amazing in their detail. I loved the book.

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book about resilience and hope. A beautifully written memoir, though difficult to read, about a childhood full of instability and trauma. But also a tale of love and understanding. It’s so important to read about poverty and how it impacts families and children, along with its repercussions of substance abuse, domestic violence, and sexual abuse. But it’s equally important to read about how people can rise above these experiences and make a life for themselves.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very well written. And it was written in a way that while not devoid of emotion per se, was very straightforward and methodical in detailing with her life with her father. (Methodical is not the right word but I am struggling to come up with a better one). She offered insight into children of abuse that struck me as being one of the more honest portrayals that I have ever read and for that alone, I gave it a 4 star rating. But the type of abuse in this book is different than what is presented in Educated or The Glass Castle for example. It is based (primarily) on alcohol- or drug-induced volatility which for me is harder to hold compassion for than parents who are still abusive but misguided (e.g., misguided choices the parents made in The Glass Castle to teach the danger of materialism). Because of this, I had to step away from the book for about a week. I have never experienced this type of abuse and so it was hard for me understand the mix of not only anger, but also compassion and love the author felt for her father all those years. But what makes this book different than others I have read is that the author really tried to explain it. And that was the most powerful aspect of the book.

[Andy Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first paragraph of this memoir about growing up in different logging towns in the Pacific Northwest sets the stage
"You might not consider my dad a good man. But if you'd met him, you probably would've liked him. Loyd was funny, slapstick even. Creative and industrious. He was always building or tinkering or exploring. He loved nature and magic, and most of all, his children. But Loyd was never able to take care of what he loved."
What follows is Tina Ontiveros recounting growing up, starting in different homes and trailers with her dad, her mom, and her brother Jessie. Those early stories include joy at the times when Loyd made things fun. They also included his controlling behavior, counting every penny her mom spent to provide food and comfort in their hardscrabble lives, every minutes of her mom's life to assuage his paranoia of her having an affair, which did not prevent him from spending hours away from the family spending what little money they had at a tavern. He also beat his wife. That was something she endured until she saw that the kids were at risk, she then left him to be near her family in the Dalles, Oregon.
But while her mom worked hard in the Dalles to earn money and care for the kids, Loyd still got the kids for summers and visits. One visit to Yakima there started as an almost idyllic visit that included Loyd's new partner, a new dog and constant playing outdoors with Loyd trusting them to work on his beloved garden. But in one of the most powerful writings I've ever read, that visit turns to when Loyd becomes enraged and blamed the dog for something the kids actually did. Tina excruciatingly describes her loyalty to the dog and wanting to do the right thing becoming overcome by her fear of her dad as he chases the dog until finally beating him to death.
Ontiveros's discusses the long term effects of witnessing such trauma: "I think we tell ourselves children are resilient because it relieves us of worry about the trauma they endure. But there is no trauma that doesn't wound and I don't know that injury can fully heal...Maybe instead of fooling ourselves that our children will heal, that they'll be restored or cleaned of their trauma, we should teach them to find beauty in their scars."
And that is part of the beauty of this book. You can't read this book and not be disgusted by Loyd. But Ontiveros talks about him with nuance and while she never excuses Loyd's behavior she does try to understand it and does not allow his abusive behavior to eliminate the parts of her childhood that brought joy. I found myself debating if she gave him too much credit and concluded it is not my place to second guess her experience but to understand it. And that may be the best thing I got from the book

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m speechless.

This author’s story has so many parallels to my own, it left me breathless at times. I didn’t experience physical abuse, as Ontiveros did. So it surprised me how similar her relationship with her father still felt to my own. I think it was how she described her feelings everytime she left him, and the intermittent abandonment. (I wish I could post a pic of my dad sitting in his “front yard” next to the motor home he lived in way up in northeastern washington, where he milled logs into log home building kits.)

Beyond the similarities for me, what is so beautiful about this story is Ontiveros’ ability to transcend. She fought being a victim her whole life, and astoundingly, was able to find the good in her father, and really love him. And recognize the love he had for her, too. She makes some really poignant observations on how kids learn to protect themselves in an abusive environment. And how her mother sacrificed herself everyday to save her children. I’m imagining now just how many families this story resembles.

If any one of the following are true for you (or you just love a well-written memoir) I beg you to read this book: Grew up in more rural parts of PNW; grew up poor; grew up with abuse from family members; lived with a struggling single mom; Had a parent who lived in a tent or trailer; Grew up in the 80s; Had family in the pnw logging industry...you’re going to relate to this beautiful memoir.

[Monica Garcia · Rating 5 out of 5]

A thoughtful and sensitive meditation on love and loss. I found many moments that I related to, especially the way children cope with and normalize chaos that the adults around them bring to their lives. It reminded me of Educated by Tara Westover, but felt more honest in its assessment of the people in the story struggling with poverty and addiction. I walked away from this book feeling admiration for the author's ability to show mercy and grace to her daddy despite all the horrendous situations he put her in.

[Shannon Tissot · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book I read all year! Her descriptions of what is it like to experience and remember trauma is, in my opinion, the most accurate I have read. The book is about growing up with her aggressive, yet entertaining father. The complexity of their relationship and the relationship of her immediate family with her father is well written and conveyed. There are some funny stories in the book, so it is not just a sad read. I put off reading it because it seemed like too much of a heavy read given all of the events of this last year. I can always tell when I'm entrenched in a book because I read it late into the night and the book stays with me. I finished this book last week and still think about some of the passages and how brilliantly she captured her feelings and the uncertain relationship she had with her father and family. I highly recommend this book!

[mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insight into the logging/lifestyle while being an insightful look at childhood love and trauma. Complicated family relationships defined by love and pain are the root of this memoir. I found many phrases just made me sit up and read them again ... "I like to believe the kiss is not the beast at my center. I like to think the steelhead is there. And that nothing is trapped at the center-it lives there, thrives there." You'd have to read this book to get the significance of the kiss and steelhead. Hope you do! Finally this book emphasizes that childhood trauma can make part of you, but it doesn't have to make you in a negative way.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book shook me. This could so easily have been a story that used shock value to draw in readers. Books about trauma can also make the reader feel like a voyeur. But neither of those things happened here. The author dug into a gritty and complex reality, letting abuse and love live alongside each other without ever flinching from the painful interaction of the two. This is a book that explores the powerful nature of stories, revealing how they wound and heal and allow for processing messy realities, figuring out who we are in the context of the events of our lives. There was such a deep sensitivity to the fundamental humanity of every character in this book. Tina Ontiveros tells a story about real world monsters that still allows for gentle empathy and that is such an incredible feat. There is no shining moment of redemption here. No forgiveness for wounds inflicted, just the raw truth that violent storms still teach us something about being alive and we can appreciate the lessons while despising the mechanisms of our education. This one will definitely stick with me.

[Jenevive Desroches · Rating 5 out of 5]

rough house, by tina ontiveros, is a memoir of a particular kind of poverty, told with a raw vulnerability that draws the reader in and holds the heart.
.
Much like the auto-biographical fiction of Stephen Graham Jones's Mongrels or Mitchell S. Jackson's The Residue Years (or the latter's memoir - Survival Math - for that matter), ontiveros' writing asks for neither pity nor awe. It simply presents a truth to be witnessed, so that those who have lived near it might know that they are seen.

[Arlene Weible · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a beautifully written book. The angst of both loving and hating your father comes through so well in this memoir. Also, life in the rural and poor PNW was something that not enough people recognize ... finding beauty in some of the ugliness is a gift this author gives us. Resilience and love can come from trauma ... thank you for reminding me of this, Tina Ontiveros!

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Tina takes the pieces of a hard scrabble Pacific Northwest logging family, shows us both the good and bad, but pulls it all together in such a poignant and redeeming way that reminds us that family is messy, but love can overlook a lot of failure.

[Laura Hoffman Brauman · Rating 4 out of 5]

"You might not consider my dad a good man. But if you'd met him, you probably would've liked him. Loyd was funny, slapstick even. Creative and industrious. He was always building, or tinkering or exploring. He loves nature and magic, and, most of all, his children. But Loyd was never able to take good care of what he loved. " Rough House is Tina Ontiveros' memoir about growing up in poverty in the Pacific Northwest. Her family moved at all. Early on, they were chasing something resembling getting by in a world where having utilities is a win, substance abuse is a reality, and poverty is a fact of life. Later, her mom took she and her brother away from Loyd to create safety and something closer to stability. The quote on the front of the book says it is a story about love, not happiness and that encapsulates it well. With the benefit of time, Ontiveros is able to see the problems with her father's life and care and still recognize the love he had for her. Woven through here also is a recognition of everything her mother did for her - and a recognition of the impact of women in similar situations. There is a lot in here tied to generational trauma and the impact of poverty and addiction on families and stability.

[Star · Rating 5 out of 5]

This one. When I first got wind of rough house (great title!), I knew it was going to be a must read. I’m constantly on the look out for books that speak to lives lived on the margins. All the better when those lives are similar to the way I grew up, albeit a couple of decades earlier.

Ontiveros does an incredible job of bringing the reader into the impoverishment of rural Oregonians and Washingtonians effected by the slow, painful, demise of the timber industry. She shows us what it’s like to be raised in a fractured family whose love language is addiction, poverty and violence. When juxtaposed with the incredible natural beauty of the Pacific Northwest, it makes for compelling reading.

In her writing, I very much get the idea she is trying to make sense of her life. How and why she got where she is, which is a universal question, after all. Through her exploration and excavation of the complicated feelings of adoration and estrangement she has for her father Loyd, she finds out about herself.

Loyd’s character jumps off the page larger than life, though wiry in stature. Charismatic and cruel. He’s a man whose demons ricochet between alcoholism, AA and being a righteous Jehovah’s Witness (Watchtower nearby). He’s a man that can’t seem to land, as he bounces around the northwest woods, leaving broken people and beautiful gardens in his wake. Even though he is thoroughly connected to his beloved outdoors, he is never able to settle in one place for long.

Though the details are different, I see my people in her pages. The grit and the grace she gives them is a gift I will revisit when I need a reminder of where I come from. For me, it's a keeper.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a "local" (set in Washington and Oregon) book in the dysfunctional family genre of "Educated" or "Angela's Ashes". She describes her life with her father, whom she describes as a "wolf" for the unpredictability of his anger and drinking along with his loving and kind moments. He's a logger, a hard worker who provides at best a hard scrabble life in temporary homes, small trailers and cobbled together campsites in places like Packwood, Yakima and the Coast Range of Oregon. Her mother leaves him, and Tina grows up in The Dalles, where she so well describes the struggles on a single mother in the 1980s and 90s. Children have no nobility about their poverty; they want all the stylish things their classmates have, and for Tina it's a Cabbage Patch Doll. Summers are spent with Dad, with some harrowing incidents. As an adult, Tina is able to come to terms with her father, and as she and her brother bury him, she can understand ". . . a man who flashed in and out of our lives like a trickster character, inevitable and impossible. A man who taught me that love means loss. A man who was half of me. . . .I was looking at a disjointed family, steeped in addiction, poverty, violence, misogyny, and dysfunction. But I was also looking at love, acceptance, creativity, and slow, plodding perseverance against terrible odds."

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

tina is a dear friend, a fantastic teacher, and someone i go to for solace. her book is a piece of her. i feel grateful to know her and to know her better after reading her book. thank you tina. i'll continue sending you incoherent messages in the dead of the night for you to interpret for me. i love you. thank you for being my friend and for sharing your story.

[Katy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of what Tina Ontiveros wrote really resonated with me. Best quote from the book for me was : " I like to believe that the kiss is not the beast at my center. I like to think that the steelhead is there. And that nothing is trapped at the center- it lives there, thrives there." Good stuff :)

[Kristin DeGarmo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a wonderful memoir. This book was recommended to me by a friend who knew the author and went to high school together. There were times I cried and times I smiled. It’s a sad sort of memoir but it’s all about love and finding family and accepting family. I would definitely recommend it.

[Thea Sunday · Rating 5 out of 5]

living in the pacific north west myself, reading this memoir and actually knowing the places she's talking about made the reading experience that much more vivid and real. Ontiveros does a phenomenal job of placing you just as she was, experiencing the moment at the same tender age she did. this book broke my heart. it was beautiful. it's not a happy story, but its one of love.

[Leeann59 · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was quite moving, a story of poverty, complicated family, different ways that one can love and be loved and small town rural timber communities.

[Syd · Rating 4 out of 5]

So beautiful!!! Amazing how Ontiveros can exist in and describe the mental state of her child and adolescent self with such honesty and clarity. I’m a sucker for a lookback on traumatic family reckoning.

[Eldon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I spent some time living in the logging communities she writes about. Men in that industry lead a tough life. They are expendable. I was friends with one of the young loggers who lost his life when a choker chain snapped and decapitated him. Just what happens in the woods. Nothing in that community seemed to pause and life went on. This memoir is more than a recounting of living with a logging family and the violence it entails. It is at least in part therapy. The author's father was a violent jerk, especially when he was drunk, which happened far too frequently. On the other hand, he was creative and clearly loved his kids. He just wasn't always safe to be around. The author works hard to shape this dichotomy in a manner that allows her to honor her father's and her family's memory. I wound up feeling for her, but it was a disturbing read.

[Brooke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tina Ontiveros was born into poverty and grew up moving from place to place (from living in a trailer to a tent in the woods) at the whims of her father, charming yet abusive man who worked for the timber industry. Amid the lush landscapes of the Pacific Northwest, Tina reflects on her difficult upbringing and her complex relationship with her father.
Most readers might expect this to be another memoir in the likes of “Educated” or “The Glass Castle”, and while there are some similarities, this memoir stands apart from the rest. As Tina reflects on her upbringing, she also attempts to understand why her father acted the way that he did. Was it his addiction making him act this way, or something else? She’s not excusing it mind you, but looking at it from an older perspective. She’s also not allowing her trauma to stain her fond childhood memories, and as someone who experienced childhood abuse, this resonated deeply with me. I found it very powerful and compelling. Tina writes many passages that are poetic and had me itching to highlight them (but as this was a library book, I wouldn’t dream of doing so).

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5-3 stars-Non-traditional memoir written by an Oregon author with Clallam Bay ties, that focuses on the complexities of her abusive father, almost more of a character study. Ontiveros grew up in a volatile, ever-changing landscape throughout Washington and Oregon. Her father worked in the woods and moved his family from one logging camp to another, eventually moving off the grid. His abuse, both mental and physical, is countered by his devotion to his children and family. Set primarily in the 80's and 90's, mostly in rural Oregon, Ontiveros does a great job of capturing a very specific moment in time (I say this as someone who grew up in rural Oregon during the same time). It's a brave book-Ontiveros doesn't shy away from talking about poverty, substance abuse and trauma. Give to fans of Educated by Tara Westover, Wild by Cheryl Strayed, and Chance of Sun by Kim Cooper Findling.

[Alyson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book to support a community college teacher and a local press from Powells Books while I was in Portland. What an amazing memoir! Very few writers capture the horror of generational poverty and how your experiences never leave you. Even if you write them down.

Her description of Loyd's "timber man aesthetic" is one of the most spot-on descriptions I've read:
"His self-made life was steeped in an odd combination of rustic logger practicality, honky-tonk hardship, dirty hippie mysticism, beach town kitsch, and carne mobility somehow it all worked people were always enchanted by Loyd's creations" (p. 1).
Just heartbreaking gorgeous writing.

Her mother, and so many women like her, are heroes. My great-grandmothers, my grandmothers...What a gorgeous loving tribute to battered poor women who "made a bridge of her body so her kids could walk across to a better life" (p. 55). Stunning.

A Dorothy Allison of the PNW. High praise from me.

[Debbie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I must admit this was a tough book to get through...not because the author didn't do a good job with it but just hearing about her childhood and all the issues she and her brother had when their dad was in the picture. The amount of bouncing around they both had going from their home they shared with their mom when she was single and when she would let their dad come back into their lives as they tried living once again as a family.

This is her story...most often a hard story as her dad was a logger and they often lived in logging camps in the Pacific Northwest. Her dad was abusive to his wife and his kids but on his good days they seemed to enjoy doing things together like gardening, learning about the logging world they lived in. The story is quite emotional as she tells her story...her family story.

[Elisha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this memoir. I read ‘Educated’ and this has quite a few parallels, but Ontiveros’ relationship with her father stands on its own. She has an incredible ability to analyze the way her father affected her life - both in positive and negative ways.

It’s very matter-of-fact which I appreciate in this type of book. Some memoirs seem to be overly-dramatic, sulking more than I’d like. But Rough House has a nice understated tone (Carver is mentioned on the back of the book and I think that’s spot on), which matches the setting and themes of this life quite well.

Most importantly, it feels genuine. There is a tangible sense of realism here.

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 because of my favorite paragraph as she described her mother “She takes the blame for all our failures, but won’t give herself credit for any of our accomplishments... She made her body a bridge for us and I walked over that bridge to get out of poverty.”

[Jeannie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Clear, confessional writing like this does not just happen. Memorializing the stories of self, women, and a whole swath of PNW generations and the men that magnetize, control, and fuck things up is brilliant. What a great book.

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an incredibly well written memoir. At times I had to set it down and catch my breath - so many painful moments for this author. Overall I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone. It gives invaluable insight to the complexity of DV in general.
She is a very talented writer.