Het oudste dochter effect

by Lisette Schuitemaker

J.K. Rowling, Oprah Winfrey, Eva Jinek: succesvolle vrouwen, allemaal oudste dochters.

Oudste dochters: ze lijken vaak op elkaar, en dat blijkt geen toeval te zijn. Auteurs Lisette Schuitemaker en Wies Enthoven, beiden zelf de oudste thuis, ontdekten de vijf typische eigenschappen die alle oudste dochters in meer of mindere mate bezitten.Oudste dochters zijn verantwoordelijk, plichtsgetrouw, serieus, voortvarend en zorgzaam. Ze zijn vaak intelligenter;dan de rest, verbaal vaardiger en gemotiveerder om iets te bereiken. Maar oudste dochters twijfelen ook meer of ze wel goed genoeg zijn. En ze zorgen vaak voor alles en iedereen tot ze er zelf bij neervallen. Het oudste dochter effect is een boek voor iedereen die meer wil begrijpen over de rol van een oudste dochter binnen een gezin en het effect dat het kan hebben op haar leven.

Wies Enthoven schrijft als journaliste voor o.a. Happinez en heeft een praktijk als schrijfcoach. Ze is een oudste dochter en hééft een oudste dochter. Lisette Schuitemaker is auteur en houdt zich binnen verschillende organisaties bezig met het bewustzijn en patronen. Ze is de oudste van vier en heeft twee oudste nichtjes.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Feminism, Parenting, Audiobook, Mental Health

240 pages, Paperback

First published April 7, 2015

About the author

Living light and living lightly, Dutch author of personal development and spirituality books, chair of the Center for Human Emergence in the Netherlands and per December 2014 Chair of the Findhorn Foundation in Scotland

Reviews

[Sydney Jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

As an eldest daughter, I thought this book validated a lot of my own sentiments about success, failure, and caring for others. I have to agree with other reviews stating that there was an intense romanticization of the childhood stage in everyone's life. Early on in the book there were lots of assumptions made about people's childhoods. Things like "as the first born, you were your parents pride and joy; everything revolved around you; etc..." There's no explicit consideration for other family predicaments during childhood--predicaments that aren't outliers, but normal, usual things that happen everyday. What if a child was born to parents who weren't ready for a kid? What if the child is a mistake? Also, the early chapters talk a lot about how life was like for the eldest daughter before her siblings. In my case, this part of the book did not resonate with me. My two sisters and I are each one year apart. When my middle sister was born, I wasn't even one year old--I don't know what life is like without siblings, a totally common thing that wasn't mentioned in the book.
What I thought this book would do, but didn't really, was come with the hard facts and speak to some kind of biological/psychological deep dive into the eldest daughters. Someone could easily get confirmation theory from reading this book, and not understand their true selves as an eldest daughter because the hard facts aren't in here.
I did appreciate the storytelling features of the book, and the quotes in each chapter from famous eldest daughters. This is such a necessary and important topic that the authors decided to write about. I just wish more facts could've been provided so that I didn't feel like the book was my "yes man," validating all the thoughts I had about my life as an eldest daughter.

[Leesdame · Rating 4 out of 5]

Het meest boeiend vond ik de hoofdstukken over de kindertijd en het effect van een broertje of zusje krijgen. Hoe gedragen oudste kinderen zich dan? Worden ze heel zorgzaam en helpen ze mee met het verzorgen van het broertje of zusje? Worden ze juist afstandelijker? Of kruipen ze weer terug in het gedrag van toen ze nog een baby waren. De oudste dochter in het gezin had in de meeste gevallen ook vaak het gevoel dat ze het meest moest presteren. Ze is het voorbeeld en ook diegene die alles voor het eerst meemaakt. Welke effecten heeft dat op de toekomst? Alles wordt uitgezocht en gedeeld in dit boek.

Lees verder op mijn blog

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall the book made some really interesting points, and justified and validated a lot of my thoughts and emotions as an eldest daughter, which is what I was looking for. However, the book seemed to lack evidence in concrete research and was very heavily rooted in heteronormativity and the idea of a nuclear family (which I don't think is at the fault of the authors, rather from the lack of research in this field). I would be interested in reading more by both of these authors.

[Iz · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/ was helpful and validating, but also did not seem very science based.

[Haleigh · Rating 2 out of 5]

A very interesting concept but I felt as though the science in this book was quite thin and it felt kind of like one long literature review. Nonetheless, being an eldest daughter I found parts of this book very validating!

[Fabiola Ramirez · Rating 5 out of 5]

99% accurate

[Cassie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall, the book does raise some interesting points. There was no huge revelation, but it personally helped me to at least be able to finally pinpoint where one of my biggest fears stemmed from, so there's that.
However, the book is far from complete; it pictures childhood like a perfect time for every eldest daughter (or son) and ignore A LOT of important points that could have made this whole book tenfold better, or at least realistic. Among them :
- why not focus also on children that were not wanted/a "mistake" and either were not showered with love by their parents or had to live with only one of their parents?
- why is there close to no mention concerning eldest daughters who didn't have the chance to grow up being their dad's "little princess"? who have to be the second parent figure alongside their mother? and who certainly don't see their father as the ideal partner?
- why is there no focus on eldest daughters who had their first sibling when they were in primary school or even later in life since it's definitely going to change how they react to their siblings and how much is asked of them at home?

In other words, The Eldest Daughter Effect is a good try but the fact it fails to consider not everyone had a blessed childhood is highly disappointing. Especially since those hardships when you're the eldest are what shapes you and how you react to your siblings and the rest of the world.

[Dania · Rating 2 out of 5]

When I read the Birth Order book by Dr Kevin Leman, a book also mentioned in this one, I was blown away by birth order theory and clicked with the eldest role and its characteristics immediately. I heard about this book and figured one specific to my gender and birth position would be even more accurate. There were some really interesting points in this book, but I found it overall not the satisfying read I was craving. I tried to be patient with it, but for the most part this book delved too deep into anecdotes and I found their “Grounded Theory” method far from convincing. It’s a shame because this is a topic I really do enjoy and connect with, but it goes to show that the execution was the trouble here, rather than the idea itself.

Great first few chapters, loved the statistics on eldest daughters! Sadly this book quickly went stale. The blurb and the contents within don’t match very well, and in general there was a lot of disorganization that led to this being a difficult read. It wasn’t always clear how the celebrity quotes tied into the chapter or paragraph, or even the book as a whole... The quotes came from places that I wouldn’t consider “professional” sources like Elite Daily (LOL), YouTube, even Goodreads. I had expectations for this, and I can’t say I’m not disappointed.

[Sloane · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. Read more like a self help than a psychology book at times, and their sample sizes they used were really small. The way they write about childhood is also from a single perspective that a lot of people don’t relate to at all, including myself. That being said, a lot of it rang true for me as an eldest daughter. Not all of it of course, but quite a bit. Overall it was interesting even if a lot of the studies were questionable. Unfortunately I don’t think enough research has been done about eldest daughters in the first place, but that isn’t the fault of the authors. I don’t think I would recommend this to someone, but if you’re an eldest daughter this might help you out.

[Audrey · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m an eldest daughter, so a lot of the book felt correct to me, but the book also over- uses generalities and focuses on functional, happy, heterosexual families. This books seems to work for women who look like the authors (white, straight, cisgender). I think that is a failing of the book as a whole.

[s ♡ · Rating 3 out of 5]

an interesting hypothesis and some generally interesting chapters, though it got very long and boring at some points. i wish there were less personal anecdotes and more actual analysis of data.

[Elite Group · Rating 5 out of 5]

An interesting interpretation of the role of firstborn women

Oprah Winfrey, JK Rowling and Beyoncé are all eldest daughters; so am I.

You know all those qualities which make women successful? Well, they aren’t entirely down to our genes, so not wholly ‘Nature’ but it is the place in their family which determines how children, especially girls, are ‘Nurtured’. This book vindicates those of us who are not simply bossy perfectionists but are also Eldest Daughters.

As a group, we come into this world as something of a shock to our parents who have looked forward to the birth of their first child, but who are totally unprepared for the impact on their lives. This firstborn is both a wonder and a terrifying responsibility. Despite all advice to the contrary, this newborn receives almost undivided attention as the doting parents exclaim about her every expression and achievement; this child is talented above all others and is cherished.

All this love and attention stimulates the child and helps to form her personality; she becomes confident, self-possessed, talented, but also a tyrant with the ability to mould her parents to her will. Then a disaster occurs, if nature is kind the parents are blessed with more children. In the words of the song by Andrew Gold ‘When you said I was the only son, I thought I was the only one’. With the birth of siblings comes less worship of the eldest girl, together with huge and unwelcome responsibility.

It is no wonder that the characteristics of eldest daughters can sometimes make us seem controlling and neurotic; we must strive for perfection to regain the total approval of our parents, which has been cruelly side-tracked towards the imposters.

Thus, Eldest Daughters tend to have laudable strengths, responsibility, caring, dutiful, hands-on and thoughtful; all valuable traits for those around us. The downside, however, is a tendency towards self-judgement, we seldom feel we are good enough, helpful enough, successful enough. We weren’t enough for our parents otherwise they wouldn’t have wanted more children, we are therefore somewhat lacking the perfection we seek. This can lead to less admirable traits, neurosis, bossiness, an emphasis on organisation and control, obsessions.

Through their insights gained in their work as life coaches, writers, teachers and communicators, the authors have produced a compelling argument to account for ‘The Eldest Daughter Effect’. It is based on individual testimony and a series of tests which are included for the reader to try out themselves. It is anecdotal rather than scientific but does provide an enticing explanation for our shared characteristics and experience.

It did what it is intended to do; it made me think, which is of course what we Eldest Daughters do!

Pashtpaws

Breakaway Reviewers received a copy of the book to review.

[S. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Number 100 for the year! I did it! :D

I liked this, but then again, I'm an eldest daughter and have experienced much of what is discussed in the text. Eldest daughters (and eldest children in general) are treated as guinea pigs. Eldest daughters often function as mini parents for their parents' other children. They are often not allowed to be children themselves, at the risk of losing their position and power within the Americanized family construct--nor are they allowed out of their parents' sight, which creates either co-dependency issues or the constant need to rebel. Long story short, birth order matters. A lot. It directly affects how parents treat their children--and they do treat them different, despite claims to the contrary. I've seen this situation played out in my own immediate family, and it definitely played out in my mother's family. It's happened in my friends' families as well.

What I found interesting is that, like the text describes, eldest daughters often find partners who held a different role within their family's birth order structure. I certainly did--my husband is an only child, so while we are very similar in a lot of regards, we also had extremely different circumstances in regards to our birth order. Likewise, my almost-lifelong best friends are either the youngest child, or the eldest/only daughter, and that kind of dichotomy between us is part of what makes our friendships work so well.

I did not like that the authors kept pushing the notion that family, above all, matters the most in life, and that friendships are not enough. I and many others, I'm sure, know that their blood ties with their family members often mean nothing more than a small percentage of shared DNA. Family is what you make of it, and you can create your own family from friendships. Blood family can mean exactly *nothing* whatsoever. It was ironic that the authors pushed this idea *so hard* in the latter half of the book, because they didn't start discussing it with such fervor until *after* they noted that siblings with the same parents actually only share maybe 15% of their DNA. Otherwise, they are as UNALIKE!, DNA-wise, as random kids in a neighborhood. Interesting, to say the least.

[Mitchell · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book seemed to romanticize childhood and other life experiences without a particular end to put a meaning to it. There were some interesting conclusions, but as the authors themselves admit, this isn't really rooted in a scientific study. (Even if it was, their sample size was too small to make overwhelming conclusions.) I think this book was able to brush something true, and I recognized some of the descriptions of responsibility in myself, and yet those moments often felt too specific to count. For example, the book notes that an eldest daughter is likely to be the kind of person who reads the assignment aloud to everyone else in a group project. And yeah I do that (#personallyattacked), but is that really because I am the eldest daughter? It seems improbable that in my fifteen years of schooling and God-knows-how-many group projects that I've been the only eldest daughter in my groups.

I dunno. There were a few interesting parts but for the most part I felt like this book was just a little too out-there to apply to me and mine.

[mowgliwithabook · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Eldest Daughter Effect by Lisette Schuitemaker & Wies Enthoven is a book based on a social experiment and research conducted by the Authors . As an individual , we develop several traits over the years that contribute to our personality today. How many of these are actually dictated by our position in the family ?
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I am an eldest daughter and never thought that some of my characteristics had actually developed in response to being an eldest sibling. The book talks about eldest daughters being difficult to befriend , craving parental approval & being people pleasers. It felt good to know that there are several other women out there who share the same traits & I am not the only weird one… :)
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Eldest daughters are also responsible, control freaks & Guinea pigs for their parents. I found this book very relatable & after reading the book , often catch myself looking for these qualities in other women to guess if they are the eldest sibling too .
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This was an interesting read & I would like to read more about others in the sibling tree too.

[Shelley Fridell · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I could identify in myself much of what the authors wrote especially the early sense of responsibility I had for years, I was surprised to see my granddaughter in these pages and recognize how I as an eldest daughter sometimes project my experience on her.

I am the eldest of 11; there is a gap of 5 years between #5 and #6 (both brothers). One of my sisters (#7) is the eldest daughter of the second group. She and I are close friends now, and share many traits and characteristics of eldest daughters but she is the one who took care of our parents before they died. A few years ago, my dad became very angry at me when I refused to live my life "as a good example" to my siblings. By that time, we were all well into adulthood and no one needed me as an example. I struggle with guilt over that and so much more.

I feel marked for life.

[Shacklebolt Hanya · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book on Pinterest and I am interested to read it. The aim of reading this book was because I needed validation about all of my events and feelings as the eldest daughter. I need validation whether is it okay to be winning yourself, not wanting to be arranged, and feeling responsible for everything that happens in the family. this book emphasizes the big 5 characteristics that the eldest daughter has. Based on the big 5 characteristics, some I admit are in me and some are not in me. Additionally, From this book, I found out how it is appropriate to act as the eldest daughter and may be good to apply. My favorite quote from this book is “The antidote to perfectionism is to be kind to yourself when with the best of intentions you do what you always did; to allow yourself the liberty to stumble, to slide and fall and just get up again.”

[Indigo Fuentes · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 Stars.
Such a disappointment. I was expecting to read about the science and psychology behind being an older sister, but this book barely touches on those subjects, and it doesn’t it do it well. It’s just the repetition of a few affirmations regarding birth order, with barely any theory behind it. NO mention of gender critical theory or any kind of feminism, it actually seems to approve of gender essentialism. This reads more like a half-finished self-help book more than anything else. Also, the random quotes really took me out of it, because they rarely had anything to do with the book chapter.

[Amanda Pascoe · Rating 2 out of 5]

The topic of this book intrigued me as a follower of birth order theories and an eldest daughter. However, I was disappointed by the lack of more in-depth content. I appreciated the authors' contributions and perspective on the topic, but it was rather limited to a small sample. I agree with other reviewers that a range circumstances can affect the experience of an eldest daughter, yet also provide a sense of oneness. I think further research, span of observations and presentation would have given readers a deeper understanding of what it is to have this position in a family.

[Debra Omiatek · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eldest Daughter Story

A fascinating review of the traits and personality of Eldest Daughters. Differentiating the effects of parenting and birth order on the daughter from the son. Current findings in psychology, sociology and other fields indicate significant differences in children and adults based on birth order. The evidence presented actually opens the alot of avenues for further study. A good read.

[Slimy · Rating 5 out of 5]

An informative and practical look at how birth order influences eldest daughters specifically. Driven entirely by data and previously published research — very well constructed.

This book has a really good mix of hard data, personal stories, and drawn conclusions. It also includes bulleted summaries at the end of each chapter which I found very helpful for reflection.

Translated from Dutch so sometimes the language is a little funky but overall pretty good.

[Victoria · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting, just scratching the surface with information, survey results book that might induce some light navel-gazing if you’re an eldest daughter.

I did chuckle at the recently dethroned-as-center-of-attention eldest daughter who put the new constantly-needy-interloper into the waste basket. Problem solved.

[Gabrielle Sullivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of eldest daughters seem to be pretty self-aware so this book may not have a lot of new information for you, but it was relatable, thought-provoking, and encouraging. The authors did not present their findings as scientific so if you are interested in this topic, I recommend reading this book in addition to some other well-researched publications.

[Meredith · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the beginning of this book interesting and it sparked some good conversations with women around me.

But the end was repetitive, it dragged on and on for only 150 pages. The generalisations were atrocious and the ‘study’ they conducted was 70-80 women.

Might be thought provoking but I wouldn’t bother.

[Carlijn Van Der Hart · Rating 2 out of 5]

Misschien is dit boek net niet helemaal geschikt voor mij als wel-oudste-dochter-maar-niet-oudste-kind, maar ik vond het allemaal wat vergezocht. Het leek meer een soort poging om zoveel mogelijk dingen in het licht van oudste dochter zijn te zetten, maar ik kon er verder niet zo veel mee en het was erg pseudo-wetenschappelijk. Best interessant bij vlagen, maar ook heel veel van hetzelfde.

[Michelle Vandepol · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating look into the eldest daughter component of birth order. Recommend if you are or know an eldest daughter. I also found the research on younger daughters who take on the role of eldest daughter very insightful.

[Mirre Van Veen · Rating 2 out of 5]

De eerste hoofdstukken zijn verhelderend en herkenbaar, maar verderop in het boek (in de hoofdstukken over werk, relaties, kinderen, familie etc.) verzandt het boek in stereotyperingen en schiet het tekort in nuances.

[Manouk Van Der Heijden · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super interesting read about the oldest daughters in a family. While reading the information was a true story of recognition and definitely provided additional insight in some of my personal struggles. A must read for any oldest daughter!

[Nicolette Reed · Rating 1 out of 5]

I got this book as an eldest daughter. I thought it would help me develop and make me feel less awkward about being the eldest daughter. Well the whole book was just painful to read. So much disappointment from reading this.

[Natalie · Rating 3 out of 5]

As others have said this book read more like a horoscope, for people looking to confirm their ideas about themselves as eldest daughters. Critical analysis was lacking so I ended up skimming and I'm glad I did.