In April of 2019, I moderated a panel called «This American Experience » as part of an online book festival called YallWest. I was nervous and excited—nervous because I would be presenting a book that is very personal and reflective of a challenging time for my family, and excited because of the importance of the conversation and the caliber of the other participants. I wanted to help shine a light on their extraordinary work. I failed.
I talked too much. I talked about my own book in a way that was divisive and tone deaf. I asked questions that were uncomfortable—not just for my fellow panelists but for the audience as well. I messed up, plain and simple, and I am sorry.
I have always valued openness, in my work and in my conversations, and I am learning that this openness, when combined with an incomplete understanding of the experiences and perspective of the listener, can morph into something painful. I am late to understand this, and am sorry my education came at the expense of others.
I believe that the books my fellow panelists—Angie Thomas, Bill Konigsberg, George Johnson, Jennifer DeLeon, and Natasha Díaz—have written are part of a great opening of our industry and literature to long underrepresented voices. Their work is thrilling and courageous and vital. In positioning my book next to theirs, I implied that it was filling a need as big—or bigger–than theirs. I don’t believe this. I was trying—and failing—to say that there aren’t many current coming of age stories that help cishet white teen boys examine their flawed ideas of masculinity and the damage it causes others and themselves—sometimes, in the case of my protagonist, in the devastating form of opioid addiction. I fumbled my words but I have to accept that the impression they made was reinforced by some of my subsequent questions.
I have apologized to my fellow panelists. I have read readers’ tweets and posts and Goodreads reviews, and I have reflected and listened. I am still reflecting and listening, and will be for a long time. It is work I want to do. In support of this, I donated 25 copies of each of my fellow panelists’ recent books to my local Fort Collins, Co, public library system.
I know this donation and apology do not fix things. I offer them anyway in the hopes that they will mitigate some of the pain and disappointment I have caused to a community I care about very much.
I apologize to all of you from the bottom of my heart.
-Lauren