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65 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1983
24
What I’m left with after all this time is still the certainty that something was attained,
though all that remain now are flickers, more and more occasional, more disjointed—
pale remnants of the harsh collabvorations those intermediary silences symbolized so well.
And this . . . I mean this, these lines, constructions, etudes: these small histories,
where did this come from? As I said, there was no dessire to go over all of it again,
but, after all, whatever ambivalence I felt about it, it demanded care,
the need of doing it never quite defined itself: it, like her, came uncalled for.
A tone took me, an impulse toward a structure: I found it interesting, a question of aesthetics.
Of that were so, might there be another way, another mode in which to come to it?
What I come to now, running over it again, I think I want to keep as undramatic as I can.
These revisions of the past are probably even less trustworthy than our random, everyday assemblages
and have most likely even more to do with present unknowables, so I offer this almost in passing,
with nothing, no moral distillation, no headily pressing imperatives meant to be lurking beneath it....
- "Combat" (from Tar)
Imagine dread. Imagine, without symbol, without figure,history or histories; a place, not a place.
Imagine it must be risen through, beginning with the silentmoment, the secrets quieted,
one hour, one age at a time, sadness, nostalgia, the absurdpain of betrayal.
Through genuine grief, then, through the genuine sufferingfor the boundaries of self
and the touch on the edge, the compassion, that never,never quite, breaks through....
- "With Ignorance" (from With Ignorance)
Her dog, a grinning mongrel, rib and knob, gristle and grizzle, wasn't terribly offensive.
The trouble was that he was ill, or the trouble more exactly was that I had to know about it.
She used to walk him on a lot I overlooked, he must have had a tumor or a blockage or some sort
because every time he moved his bowels, he shrieked, a chilling, almost human scream of anguish.
...
I don't recall them too long after that. Maybe the dog died, maybe I was just less sensitive.
Maybe one year when the cold came and I closed my windows, I forgot about them . . . then I moved.
Everything was complicated now, so many tensions, so much bothersome self-consciousness.
Anyway, those back streets, especially in bad weather when the ginkgos lost their leaves, were bleak.
It's restored there now, ivy, pointed brick, garden walls with broken bottles mortared on them,
but you'd get sick and tired then: the rubbish in the gutter, the general sense of dereliction.
Also, I'd found a girl to be in love with: all we wanted was to live together, so we did.
- The Dog
We stood together at the magazine rack for a while before I realized what he was looking at.
Pornography: two naked men, one grimaces, the other, with a fist inside the first one, grins.
I must have flinched: the boy sidled down, blanketed his face more, and I left to take a walk....
- Neglect
A dirty picture, possibly a tintype, from the turn of the century, even before:
the woman is obese, gigantic; a broad, black corset cuts from under her breasts to the tops of her hips,
here hair is crimped, wiry, fastened demurely back with a bow one incongruous wing of which shows.
Here eyebrows are straight and heavy, emphasizing her frank, unintrospective plainness,
and she looks directly, easily into the camera, her expression somewhere between play and scorn,
as though the activities of the photographer were ridiculous or beneath her contempt, or,
rather, as though the unfamiliar camera were actually the much more interesting presence here
and how absurd it is that the lens be turned toward her and her partner and not back on itself.
- Floor
Here's what we've done. We were in Times Square, a pimp found us, corralled us, led us somewhere,
down a dark street, another dark street, up dark stairs, dark hall, dark apartment,
where his whore, his girl or his wife or his mother for all I know, dragged herself from sleep,
propped herself on an elbow, gazed into the dark hall, and agreed, for two dollars each, to take care of us....
- The Gas Station
Nor will his vision of the beautiful take the form of a face, or of hands, or of anything that is of flesh. It will be neither words, nor knowledge, nor a something that exists in something else, such as a living creature, or the earth, or the heavens, or anything that is . . .
- Plato, Symposium
Where our language suggests a body and there is none: there we should like to say, is a spirit.
- Wittgenstein, Philosophical Investigations
1.
I will not grace you with a name . . . Even "you," however modest the convention: not here.
No need here for that much presence. Let "you" be "she," and let the choice, incidentally,
be dictated not by bitterness or fear - a discretion, simply, the most inoffensive decorum.
This was, after all, if it needs another reason, long ago, and not just in monthly, yearly time,
not only in that house of memory events, the shadowed, off-sized rooms of which
it amuses us to flip the doors of like a deck of cards, but also in the much more malleable,
mazy, convoluted matter of the psyche itself, especially the wounded psyche,
especially the psyche stricken once with furrows of potential which are afterwards untenanted:
voids, underminings, to be buttressed with the webbiest filaments of day-to-dayness.
- One of the Muses