The CruiseSniper

by Brett Morphis

I get punished for traveling and knowing a few things. In 2017, Mimi and Paps asked me to organize a family reunion cruise. One last hurrah, a celebration of sorts. Since I’m the cruise guy, I was the chosen one. “Somewhere in the Caribbean, we don’t care”, they say. “What the hell does that even mean? Have you seen a map lately?”, my response. My wife is in, "you’ll figure it out.” It figures, she’s wanted nothing to do with them for years and I can’t say as I blame her, if we’re being honest. I cringe at the possibilities. I’ve heard the stories.I thought I knew the family, their dysfunctions, their vices, if you will. I didn’t. As for the others, not one of the family members knew what to expect, they hadn’t seen each other in years, if ever. Seven nights, cramped on a cruise ship to the Caribbean. The gambling, the booze, bikinis and bananas. Add in twins, some snow and squirrel killers, the list, never-ending. The cruise lines, endless possibilities.Small ship, large ship? High end or Walmart style? Hamburgers or horse? I’m basically working with nothing and am responsible for all of it. So, I hit the web in search of the perfect itinerary that suits our family of fuck ups.As for the fam, what was expected each of them? Could they be themselves for seven whole nights? What could possibly go wrong? And, why the plum? The CruiseSniper is patient, picks his shots as needed. Did he bring enough ammo? The doctor, who is he? Dysfunction at its finest. From artwork and rocking the boat, to a late-night single-malt. Sit back and relax, the doctor has you covered. The CruiseSniper brings life to this family and their travels. The good, the bad and the ugly. All out in the open.There’s a wide array of takers for the freebie to the Caribbean. For instance, Jordan shows up with three beautiful women. Three! And gorgeous, my god. Only obstacle, he’s married with children. Mimi and Paps, drooling as usual, voices hoarse from yelling “BINGO” one too many times. Quite honestly, I wouldn’t go on a cruise with them if I didn’t have to but, free is free. Tommy, the hillbillies from Podunk and two others from Nebraska. You’ll read about all of us and ‘The CruiseSniper’ (more on that later).I toss them in a blender and turn that sumbitch on high. My stories are all true. Whether it’s fiction or not, in some shape or form, trust me, I was there and have bumps and bruises to prove it! Have a good laugh at my expense and enjoy, what I like to call The CruiseSniper.

244 pages, Paperback

First published December 22, 2017

About the author

Wanting to do it and procrastination, that sums up the time it took to convince myself to write a book regarding my travels. Maybe it was the thought of throwing myself into the batter's box that prolonged my decision. I had been in real estate in the early part of this century and was also there when the bottom fell out. I had gone from building nothing into something great. All to have it fall apart with the housing crisis. Me too ignorant to focus and work the changing market. I went from being quite successful to a nobody in two years. It felt like a death, a slow death.

I tell you that, simply to back my fathomed reasons for procrastination on this endeavor. I was miserable for quite some time. Then I had the opportunity to start traveling. When I would arrive home, my wife and I would laugh until we cried from the stories we would relive. Some great, others a horror.

I found myself starting to take notes, not really knowing why. I read quite a bit...but, not thinking it was something for me. Others enjoyed our stories of heartbreak and misery that, unbeknownst to me, was slowly turning into my new hobby. From finding a wheelchair outside my stateroom, or waking up all black and blue, to partying with "Hens" in Magaluf. Or simply snorkeling and turning around, staring at a 4-foot barracuda, inches from my nose. It couldn't possibly be from numerous visits to Diamond Head in Hawai'i or the Spanish Steps in Rome. Or the fact that within the last 17 years, I've had the fortune to do nearly 70 cruises. Or even going to Monaco for the F1 race. But...

You know what? All of it. The good, the bad, the ugly, they are all my life's stories. And some are damn good and they need to be told. To make a long story short, one day, I sat down at my computer and started typing. One page at a time. Before I knew it, I thought I had something. I've tried to build different characters for your entertainment. I've hidden my real life stories in them.

Apart from writing, I'm a pretty normal, down to earth guy. I live right down the road from Clearwater Beach. I enjoy traveling, obviously, auto racing, baseball, football and hanging out with friends. I get to spend the days with my wife, Karen and our Italian greyhound, Kenny. That my friends, can't be beat!

Feel free to reach out to me, like my Instagram or Facebook pages, or just say "hi". You'll also see my upcoming cruises, in the event you want to see me at work, while you sip on a cold beverage. I'll even make you a deal. If you purchase the soft cover edition and leave it in a cruise ship library, I'll send you a new one, personalized. Make sure to take a picture of its location and send it to me.

I've also started dabbling in VLOGs. You can find them under The CruiseSniper. In those videos, I'll talk about things that most won't.

I hope you enjoy, The CruiseSniper!