Something's Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse--and Freeing Yourself from Its Power

by Wade Mullen, Diane Mandt Langberg (Foreword)

"Am I the only one who sees this--am I just imagining things? Is something wrong with me . . . or could this be abuse?"
Maybe you don't know for sure: all you know is something feels off when you think about a certain relationship or interaction with an institution or organization. You feel alone and confused--but calling it "abuse" feels extreme and unsettling, a label for what happens to other people but not you. Yet you can't shake the feeling: something's not right.

In his debut book, researcher and advocate Wade Mullen introduces us to the groundbreaking world of impression management--the strategies that individuals and organizations utilize to gain power and cover up their wrongdoings. Mullen reveals a pattern that accompanies many types of abuse, almost as if abusers are somehow reading from the same playbook. If we can learn to decode these evil methods--if we can learn the language of abuse--we can help stop the cycle and make abusers less effective at accomplishing destruction in our lives.

Something's Not Right will help you to identify and describe tactics that were previously unidentifiable and indescribable, and give you the language you need to move toward freedom and create a safer future for yourself and others.

Genres: Nonfiction, Christian, Abuse, Psychology, Christian Living, Christianity, Counselling

240 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2020

Reviews

[Abby · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you’ve experienced church-related abuse, if you’ve worked with/for an authority figure who has perpetrated such abuse, if you’re befuddled by reports of abuse in your religious community, if you’re advocating for people who’ve experienced spiritual abuse, if you’re advocating *against* people who have experienced spiritual abuse, or if you are a part of a community that is experiencing such abuses coming to light, I cannot recommend this book strongly enough. I wish I could afford to give away copies to everyone I know.

[Taryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful

Researching church abuse led me to purchase this book. It’s a very good summation of what to do to decode the tactics. There are also some particularly helpful sections such as the SCORE apology. I had hoped for more examples of what abuse of power in churches looks like. And I had hoped for a chapter on how churches can walk through the post-abuse phase together. Having some kind of framework to follow as an example of a potential way forward in specific types of abuse would be very helpful. Perhaps for the second edition? Lastly, I had hoped for more of a biblical exposition around these issues. Other than that, this is a very good resource to read alongside others like When Narcissism Visits The Church.

[Stephanie Ridiculous · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.75 stars rounded up

The pros:
-Mullen clearly has a heart for people who have been harmed. You can see through his writing that he wants the best for you and is trying to help you out of the mire/avoid getting in it to begin with
-There are some great concepts in this book. The chapter on the language of abuse was really helpful and well laid out. Discussing the dismantling of your inner and outer world was a great way to frame many tactics abusive people/institutions use. There are gems through this book that are helpful things to chew on and consider, especially if you're still trying to make sense of what happened to you.
-Good additional resources in the back!

The cons:
-The last 4 chapters really struggled to me. The cohesiveness of the book was lost a bit, and I don't think Mullen threads the needle between equipping for good and stirring toward paranoia well enough. A quick list of some of the things that bothered me in these final chapters:
-The chapter on Concessions/apologies never once mentioned repentance
-Mullen routinely encourages you toward doubt/disbelief in regards to a (potentially former) abusive person with little said about being properly discerning or asking for 3rd party assistance in determining if someone is genuine or not. I definitely firmly believe in needing to see the proof in the pudding, so to speak, but Mullen's advice in many places replaces any need to actually grapple with if the person is making a good faith effort- and instead can easily be read as setting an arbitrary standard and not accepting anything less.
-Overall, I think Mullen encourages people entirely to much toward themselves. While he does often suggest reaching out to someone to talk to them, he leaves little room for victims to be too emotionally fraught/impacted/harmed to make reasonable assessments of people and the situation as it unfolds. I don't raise this concern because I think any trauma disqualifies you from being discerning, but - When we are in the thick of abuse/escaping/coping/healing it is *very* common for us to not be able to accurately see what is happening. Very often our perceptions are skewed by things like bias and preference and etc. even when weighty things like abuse haven't been factored in. To say nothing about how to check yourself and your reactions and your expectations for the abuser feels very dangerous and negligent to me.
-Mullen presents forgiveness as a kind of mysterious and inexplicable part of the process, which was very disappointing to me. The book's goal was not to discuss forgiveness, so that's fine in general, but forgiveness is not this strange and unknowable concept so I was disappointed to see it kind of peppered in at the end.
-There are lots of other little examples of statements that I disagreed with, found kind of dangerous without additional context or caution given, but you get the idea

Overall, this is a pretty worthwhile read, especially if you are unsure if you have or are being manipulated or abused; there are lots of really good quotes, and like I said, it's clear Mullen cares about those walking this road and if nothing else that's worth reading this for- you are not crazy. Something's not right.

[Amanda Stevens · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started off a little iffy with this book, because it doesn't use the psychological language I'm used to but instead seems to find a need to invent random terms for abusive tactics that already have widely accepted terms. These include data mining, gaslighting, and love-bombing (which for example he labels as "flattery," "over-helping," "charms," "favors" but never takes all the elements together to say, and this is commonly referred to as love-bombing). So at first, I was suspicious of the book, because why not employ accepted terminology for these things, especially when one of your stated purposes is to provide language to promote a victim's understanding of what's being done to them? Why not give the reader terms they can research further later on, as this is more of a starter manual than a deep dive?

Then I got to the author bio and discovered Dr. Mullen's education is all based in seminary (his doctorate is in Leadership Studies), and all made sense. Please know that sentence is not in any way sarcastic or demeaning to seminary educations. In fact I think I respect this book more now, knowing that. Dr. Mullen tackled this topic specifically for the church without having a background in psychology, yet he nails most of the topics. He simply uses "church language" rather than psychological language to do it. To his great credit he never once implies that abuse victims ought to repent for their part in the abuse. Never once. He never admonishes abuse victims to stick around in the situation and "suffer for Jesus." Never once.

The settings he uses for examples are mostly churches, abusive clergy and enabling church boards topping the list (which makes sense both for his audience and for himself as having experienced such a system). He spends a good long time exploring what a true apology looks like. He also calls out red-flag apologies that have commonly pervaded the evangelical space when abuse is brought to light ("I'm sorry, but being in ministry is so hard"/"I'm sorry, but it was only a momentary stumbling lapse in judgment and I just said I was sorry so you now need to pretend nothing happened"/"We're sorry, but you know our organization is doing an awful lot of great things for the Kingdom of God and we don't really understand why you're making such a big deal out of this one little incident"/"We're sorry, but really, that was such a long time ago and why didn't she come forward sooner if it was really that bad?").

So while I started out with my guard up, I can now recommend the book for the space in which it was written to be read. This is a good place to start for Christians who aren't yet trauma-informed but are willing to embark on the journey of becoming so. It speaks in recognizably Christian analogies and terminology, and it also tells the truth about abusers. For too long, there were no books like this one, and I'm glad there finally is.

[Breanna Randall · Rating 4 out of 5]

"A safe community gives people the freedom to say, 'something's not right.'"

This book is must-read for anyone in a church/charitable organization (or just about any organization for that matter). If you need help giving names to things that don't feel right, you'll benefit from this book.

The author uses lay terms to describe abusive behaviors and systems. This book is research-based and highly accessible. I appreciated that I could read it without being exhausted or triggered by the scenarios in the book--for me, that's a sign that it was thoughtfully composed.

thanks to Netgalley for the ARC of this book.

[Summer Kahn · Rating 5 out of 5]

An extremely educational read on specific tactics abusers will use in their speech and behaviors. It delves a lot into abusive leaders primarily in church settings and how we can identify their behaviors (flattery, denial, types of secrets they’ll keep, etcetera). I definitely recommend it for anyone that’s a part of any organization, especially a church or work environment, and anyone who wants to be better informed on identifying manipulative behaviors.
I found it to be a more triggering read as a victim of abuse since it greatly describes familiar and difficult experiences/verbiage, just as an FYI for anyone else!

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful and practical!

[Jennie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't write a lot of actual reviews for books, but I've been thinking about this one and felt like a review was warranted because of what I hope books like this can offer in the future.

What this book did well:
There's been an influx in books addresses abusive church structures or leadership in the last few years and in a lot of ways, that's a good thing. Books like this shed light on how in the very place abuse should be least common and most aggressively driven out, it can instead be allowed to run rampant. This book in particular gives several specific things to look for and some helpful mnemonics to help assess (SCORE was particularly helpful...not only to address abusive situations, but apologies in general).

What I wish this book did better:
Anyone who is familiar with conflict psychology knows that someone who has been in conflict is most prone to improperly assess their experience in it. Memories are not as static as we like to believe, are actually incredibly prone to suggestibility, and are generally unreliable. Many magic tricks actually utilize this established knowledge. Several magicians have humorously repeated the famous invisible gorilla experiment to demonstrate just how poor our perceptions and memories actually are. So, while these kinds of books are necessary, when they only address what abuse *is* and don't address what abuse *is not*, they run the risk of being used as a weapon of abuse themselves when hurting individuals go to them to validate their experiences. We are prone to believe what we want to believe is true, and we very rarely want to believe we are anything other than the victim in situations where we have been harmed.

As I was reading this, I was thinking of several situations I'm aware of where each side of a conflict would walk away from this book identifying themselves as victims of abuse. The thing is, in these situations, it is very possible that both are in fact victims of abuse, but only because both parties were part of and enabled an abusive environment. Yet this book seems to assume the reader is not part of this abusive structure. I think this book could have been greatly helped by a chapter addressing those who have been part of the abusive structure, offering steps for repentance and reconciliation. It would've helped eliminate the sense of "us vs. them" I got when reading this.

This book did a great job of addressing when certain Christian principles could be used abusively. Particularly the Matthew 18 principle. But I also think this book would've been greatly helped by identifying guidelines regarding how to practice these biblical principles in a non-abusive manner. Our current culture correctly acknowledges the importance of identifying abuse, but perhaps doesn't practice discernment regarding that knowledge and may throw out the important and practical godly wisdom in them.

Overall, I'm glad these books are being written. The church needs these tools. But whenever hurting people are thrown in the mix, an extra measure of instruction for discernment and wise counsel is always worthwhile. Especially in our current climate. Christians especially should not only be willing and equipped to address abuse, but also willing and equipped to address themselves. I have a couple more books in this vein to get through and I'll be looking out for these things in those as well.

[Jason Kanz · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are a number of excellent resources dealing with the topic of abuse generally, and abusive organizations specifically. Wade Mullen's new book, Something's Not Right, is certainly among the best I have read. Mullen writes from personal experience and professional research in providing his readers with an accessible book to begin to understand experiences related to abuse. I was often nodding in agreement and felt the wind knocked out of my sails at others because he captured what I had done and experienced so well.

When people think about abusive organizations, I suspect many people believe it must be obvious. It typically isn't. I have often said to people that abuse is not 180 degrees off center; it's 3 degrees, which makes it harder to see, especially closer to the center. Recognizing it routinely begins with admitting Mullen's title: "Something's not right." Often, it is difficult to put your finger on, but you know something is amiss.

Mullen writes a lot about impression management. Both individual abusers and organizations put a lot of effort into looking good, which by necessity tends to leave hard things hidden. It also means encountering high control, deception, flattery, and misdirection.

There is far too much in this excellent book to summarize it all. Let me instead suggest that if you have ever felt that "something's not right" in a relationship or organization, you may want to read this book. Read it with an open mind. Be willing to let your current thinking be challenged.

[Chrystie Cole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Probably more like a 3.5. Some helpful language, though I felt like I wanted more—especially in the dismantling chapters.

[Elise · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this in tandem with Kruger's Bully Pulpit. They're both helpful in different ways. This one helps you make sense of that feeling of something's not right here. It also introduces the idea of impression management—how abusers are able to trick everyone around them. Particularly helpful is his rubric for what apologies should look like—he helps you discern whether they're sincere or not.

[Rachel Moss · Rating 4 out of 5]

“This is what it comes down to when abuse is exposed: Who will do whatever it takes to overcome a scandal, and who will do all they must to pursue what is right?”
Quote from the book

People are abused in many different ways, every day. Some people don’t even recognize the signs/ tactics that they are being abused. In his book, Something’s Not Right, Wade Mullen shares real life examples of people who have been abused, parts of his own life when he was being abused and the tactics that abusers use against you. Wade, also shares the difference ways abusers “apologize” for the abuse they have done.
This book is a good resource for helping you or someone you know that has been abused.

I graciously received an advance e-copy of this book from netgalley for review. All opinions are my own.

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Something's Not Right took me a while to read, but I found it to be an insightful read with some great truths. I can see myself rereading it in the future. I recommend it.

*Disclosure of Material Connection: I received one or more of the products or services mentioned above for free in the hope that I would mention/review it on my blog. I was not required to give a positive review, only my honest opinion - which I've done. All thoughts and opinions expressed are my own and I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.*

[Zach Hollifield · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful.

However, it would have been made stronger by a discussion of the right use of authority/power in the local church. Without such, it comes off as if any claim of abuse is automatically valid and any denial is an automatic perpetuation of the abuse when the realties are far more complex. A discussion on the right use of power and how to discern when something is abuse rather than a (mis)perception thereof would have made this a much stronger book.

For what it is, I think it would prove helpful in guiding those who have been spiritual abused in understanding just what they have experienced.

[Persis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this book side by side with the organizational verbiage when abuse is uncovered in a church, para church, denomination, etc. It will shine a light and hold up a needed magnifying class to the words that are used to manipulate and hide wrongdoing. Or better yet read this book so you and your own organizations can learn to recognize and stop abuse and abusers in their tracks and protect the sheep BEFORE it becomes a scandal.

[Josiah DeGraaf · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really great book on how to recognize common traits of abusers and what they look (or don't look) like.

Rating: 4.5 Stars (Very Good).

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a helpful resource for people who are experiencing abuse or who think it is possible that they are but are not quite ready to call it abuse. It deals primarily with spiritual abuse that often manifests itself in faith communities, but is also applicable to other types of abuse that can occur outside of religious organizations (physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, etc.).

Dr. Mullen shares his own story of his family’s healing journey after experiencing spiritual abuse as he breaks down some of the tactics used by people in positions of power to abuse others. He describes common red flags, language that should serve as a warning that something might not be right, and gives suggestions for handling such situations whilst also keeping yourself and your loved ones safe.

I found the book to be well-written and accurate. I also related to some of the author’s story about the spiritual abuse his family endured and found his recommendations helpful. Further, there is a lot of great information here that people can use to help ensure that their faith communities are safe spaces for everyone and that they are aware of the steps they can take to be sure they are not perpetuating harm.

Here are a few quotes that I underlined in my copy:

- “Remember, knowledge is the foundation for reclaiming the power that has been stolen from you.”

- “Many have asked me how I protect myself from vicarious trauma or from becoming overly despairing and cynical. My answer: I look for and cultivate beauty.”

- “Abuse is a community concern. Therefore, the question must be asked of each of us: In what ways am I perpetuating an abusive culture through my silence or tacit endorsement of those who are in the wrong?”

- “Our response reveals whose voice we honor more. Consider these words from Judith Herman: ‘It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.’”

- “Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.” - Elie Wiesel

The end of the book has a lengthy list of resources for people who have experienced or are experiencing various kinds of abuse so they can find the help they need. This includes resources for people who are not being abused that can be referred to in order to help create safe spaces for people in their communities.

I do recommend this book.

If you are experiencing abuse, there are people who are ready and willing to help you. With just those few seconds of courage it takes to make a call or send a message, you can connect with people who are ready to listen and provide assistance so you can also begin your own healing process.

If you live in the United States and are being physically abused by someone in your home, you can call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline 24/7 toll-free at 800-799-7233. If speaking aloud is dangerous for you, you can also text START to 88788.

[Linda Mesibov · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book.

Abuse in the church is rampant. It ranges from leadership trying to drive out a member to sexual abuse. No church is immune to it.

Read with an open mind. If you come to this book with presuppositions you may miss the proof of the thesis.

Abuse can be an elder of the church who bullies and out right gossips. What makes it abuse is their disregard for the damage they do, but it can go much farther when the leadership of the church covers up the abuse.

We should take a hard look at our own churches and do not be surprised at the abuse that has already occurred.

Lord help us all!

[Amy Fritz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Mullen's book Something's Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse and Freeing Yourself From Its Power is a must-have if you care about truth-telling. If you've experienced any kind of abuse or care about someone who has, you'll find this book helpful.

Dr. Mullen pulls back the curtain on the ways organizations and individuals protect their own images and power. Mullen asserts that "if we begin to learn the language of abuse, we can begin to stop the cycle of destruction."

Invest in several highlighters. You'll be using them.

[Susanna Reynolds · Rating 5 out of 5]

What can I even say about this book, except thank God that it exists? If you have observed or been privy to abuse in a christian context you will be shocked at the accuracy of this incredible gem of a book.

Several years ago, Wade was a lifeline to me on Twitter while I was coming out of an abusive environment and untangling myself from its aftermath. His book has had the same impact on me, grounding me and helping me to see that this pattern is one I can guard myself from in the future.

[Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Healing isn’t as easy as replacing old ground with new territory. We have to work with what we have, and some roots and structures are not going anywhere, so we learn to grow beauty around them. Recovery is like that” (p. 178).

[Ashley Hoss · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such a great read and it’s a book we really needed. Highly recommend

[Barry Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This resourceful and insightful book is hard to read but necessary. The author, having experienced spiritual abuse in ministry, conducted over one thousand abuse cases of all sorts in church settings as well as consulting in business, industry, and education. Introducing the sociological phenomenon of impression management, the practice employed by organizations to cover up wrongs, he reviews the practices and methods of abusers in order to retain power, legitimize their actions, and avoid shame. Treating the abuse process as a “show that must go on” (Chapter 1), Mullen introduces five types of secrets that can be present: 1) dark secrets which could damage the organization or individual, 2) strategic secrets that are used to maintain advantage, 3) inside secrets that are held by a small group, 4) entrusted secrets that rely on confidentiality, and 5) free secrets that don’t threaten the image of the the individual holding the information. There can be sacred roles where certain individuals are seen as in special and not open to criticism, providing opportunity for abuse to take place as well as inner circles that create close relationships that can harbor abuse. Each chapter closes with a summary page to review the content covered.

In describing the charms of abusers of all kinds, the author describes the techniques of flattery, favors, and alliances to build relationships that create abuse opportunities. He cites numerous examples and provides scripts that could be used by abusers to justify their actions. The internal world of the victim can be attacked, challenging the identity, self-respect, or personal agency of the individual. In addition, the individual’s external world can be the target, dismantling relationships, institutions, and information sources that might provide support to the victim and frustrate the abusers.

Chapter 5, The Silent Struggle, speaks to the solitary situation of the victim. After noting reasons why the abused individual might remain silent, Mullen describes the various pleas that the abuser might make to invoke silence: the plea of compassion, the plea of obligation, the plea of the human shield (e.g., the impact that could come on the abuser’s family or the organization), the plea of injustice, and the plea of self-harm. In reviewing the challenge of addressing these pleas, he provides practical advice on the abused reclaiming their voice (pages 98-99).

Focusing on the perspectives of the abuser, four walls of defense are offered for their “explanation” of their actions: denials, excuses (intent, ability, agency), justifications, and comparisons (to greater wrongs, cultural or industry standards, good deeds) to defuse any confrontation of their actions. Mullen takes the time address how the abused can get past these walls. in addition, he provides insights on how concessions on the part of the abuser may not be what they appear. Such concessions can actually condemn, excuse, justify, self-promote, even request sympathy. A simple “score card” is offered to rate the integrity of an apology, asking if the apology involves, Surrender, Confession, Ownership, Recognition, and Empathy (SCORE, page 143).

Demonstrations of “change and goodwill” can often be offered but are often fraught with danger (page 153). Mullen offers guidance on the decoding of such communications, evaluating statements, distancing, and rehabilitation attempts to identify if such actions are genuine or just seeking to make the issue go away. The final chapter of this eminently resourceful book is directed primarily by those who have experienced abuse, encouraging the practice of reframing (do the opposite of what the abuser wishes) and cultivating beauty in one’s relationships and in the world. An appendix provides a litany of resources for both the abused individual as well as guidance for leaders and organizations who wish to stem the tide of these sad situations.

Mullen’s words to those in charge are powerful: “If leadership is governed by truth, then they will seek and speak the truth no matter the cost, because the establishment the truth will matter much more than our establishments” (page 182).

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wade Mullen provides a clear analysis of abusive behavior: what abusers and their allies do, how they maintain their power, and how they attempt to evade accountability. Victims of abuse will find in these pages understanding that helps them make sense of their stories. Counselors and leaders will find the clear framework they need to recognize and respond to abuse so that healing becomes possible.

This guide analyzes patterns of abusive behavior primarily through the lens of impression management. Because of its general focus, it is applicable to all forms of abuse, including psychological abuse and abuse within churches and workplaces.

The particular strength of Mullen's analysis is his ability to draw the language and culture of evangelical Christianity into a solid psychological framework, showing how godly-sounding language is used to protect abusers at the expense of their victims.

Clear organization and summaries at the end of each chapter add to the ease of study. The text is accessible to high school and adult readers. The tone remains calm, empathetic, and reasoned, a blessing to those who may read this text in times of great distress. Recommended for libraries and for group study.

[James Passaro · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a short textbook on abuse tactics and is frightening when examining modern day examples of clergy abuse and the patterns they take. It is a heavy book, not a hard read but can be emotionally difficult to process. It does not get super specific into his own story which I felt might be helpful. The examples were not up close and in personal but he did describe the patterns very well. I highlighted far too much but I think its an extremely helpful book on the topic and a great resource.

[Peter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Understanding impression management

In this book the author explores the language and behaviour of impression management, which is used by abusers and institutions when seeking to preserve the brand over being transparent concerning possible abuses. This book will be especially helpful to those having faced abuse in religious or corporate settings, enabling them to begin to understand if abuse is occurring or has occurred, and how they might be controlled by the abuser and those who enable it. Practical advice is also provided regarding steps to take to confront and respond to abusers.

[Steve Nation · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book you never want to read, but so incredibly important. It was a hard read, quite triggering at times of things I've experienced, but also very healing, restorative and informative. Such a clear and thorough analysis of an enormous issue today - not least in the church. I think this book will be one I go back to again and again as a resource

[Daniel Kleven · Rating 5 out of 5]

Five blazing stars on this one. Such a timely, important, book.

[Erin Livs · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helped me identify things in my own church that have made me wonder "something's not right."
Chapter 7, Concessions, helped me articulate why the "apology" I received from my own church left me feeling uneasy.

[Kat Long · Rating 5 out of 5]

A million stars. This is a must-read for every counselor, church leader - heck let’s just say every Christian. So important.