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Like a Boy but Not a Boy: Navigating Life, Mental Health, and Parenthood Outside the Gender Binary
Inquisitive and expansive, Like a Boy but Not a Boy explores author andrea bennett's experiences with gender expectations, being a non-binary parent, and the sometimes funny and sometimes difficult task of living in a body. The book's fourteen essays also delve incisively into the interconnected themes of mental illness, mortality, creative work, class, and bike mechanics (apparently you can learn a lot about yourself through truing a wheel).
In "Tomboy," andrea articulates what it means to live in a gender in-between space, and why one might be necessary; "37 Jobs 21 Houses" interrogates the notion that the key to a better life is working hard and moving house. And interspersed throughout the book is "Everyone Is Sober and No One Can Drive," sixteen stories about queer millennials who grew up and came of age in small communities.
With the same poignant spirit as Ivan Coyote's Tomboy Survival Guide, Like a Boy but Not a Boy addresses the struggle to find acceptance, and to accept oneself; and how one can find one's place while learning to make space for others. The book also wonders it means to be an atheist and search for faith that everything will be okay; what it means to learn how to love life even as you obsess over its brevity; and how to give birth, to bring new life, at what feels like the end of the world.
With thoughtfulness and acute observation, andrea bennett reveal intimate truths about the human experience, whether one is outside the gender binary or not.
In "Tomboy," andrea articulates what it means to live in a gender in-between space, and why one might be necessary; "37 Jobs 21 Houses" interrogates the notion that the key to a better life is working hard and moving house. And interspersed throughout the book is "Everyone Is Sober and No One Can Drive," sixteen stories about queer millennials who grew up and came of age in small communities.
With the same poignant spirit as Ivan Coyote's Tomboy Survival Guide, Like a Boy but Not a Boy addresses the struggle to find acceptance, and to accept oneself; and how one can find one's place while learning to make space for others. The book also wonders it means to be an atheist and search for faith that everything will be okay; what it means to learn how to love life even as you obsess over its brevity; and how to give birth, to bring new life, at what feels like the end of the world.
With thoughtfulness and acute observation, andrea bennett reveal intimate truths about the human experience, whether one is outside the gender binary or not.
272 pages, Paperback
First published October 13, 2020
40 people are currently reading
1030 people want to read
About the author
Andrea Bennett
8 books25 followersandrea bennett is a non-binary National Magazine Award–winning writer, editor, and sometimes-illustrator who lives on the northern Sunshine Coast in BC.
Their first book of essays, Like a Boy but Not a Boy: Navigating Life, Mental Health, and Parenthood Outside the Gender Binary (Arsenal Pulp Press), was a CBC Books’ pick for the top Canadian nonfiction of the year, and one of Autostraddle’s best queer books of 2020, as well as a 2022 selection for the American Library Association’s Over the Rainbow longlist. Their next book of essays, Hearty: Essays on Pleasure and Subsistence, will come out with ECW Press in 2024.
They are also the author of two poetry collections, Canoodlers (Nightwood, 2014) and the berry takes the shape of the bloom (Talonbooks, 2023), as well as two travel guides to Montreal and Quebec City.
Their first book of essays, Like a Boy but Not a Boy: Navigating Life, Mental Health, and Parenthood Outside the Gender Binary (Arsenal Pulp Press), was a CBC Books’ pick for the top Canadian nonfiction of the year, and one of Autostraddle’s best queer books of 2020, as well as a 2022 selection for the American Library Association’s Over the Rainbow longlist. Their next book of essays, Hearty: Essays on Pleasure and Subsistence, will come out with ECW Press in 2024.
They are also the author of two poetry collections, Canoodlers (Nightwood, 2014) and the berry takes the shape of the bloom (Talonbooks, 2023), as well as two travel guides to Montreal and Quebec City.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 42 reviews
April 13, 2021
A few of these essays, mostly the ones about pregnancy, breastfeeding, and parenthood, really spoke to me. And it's very cool to hear about these topics from a nonbinary person! Honestly the parts about anxiety and fear of death and mortality were alternately too close to home and anxiety-inducing even though those topics are not particular sites of anxiety for me. The interludes with short bios about small town queers I liked in theory, but in practice I didn't feel like there was real meaning added to the journalistic details. Actually, overall the writing in this collection felt too journalistic for my taste. A good book, but not one that necessarily fit me as a reader.
December 15, 2020
As a non-binary person, this is the first book that I've read that showed me that I am not alone in what I've experienced. This book gave me relief in knowing that my childhood and adulthood are something that others have shared and that I am valid. If you are non-binary, wondering if you could be non-binary, or wondering what non-binary even is, I would recommend this book.
December 1, 2023
Review by Lisa Pineo
*I received this eARC from Arsenal Pulp Press via Edelweiss+ in return for an honest review.
My ratings: * I hated it ** It was okay *** I liked it **** Really good ***** Great
TW (trigger warnings): homophobia, transphobia
"Like a Boy but Not a Boy: Navigating Life, Mental Health, and Parenthood Outside the Gender Binary" by andrea bennett, a new voice in the LGBTQIA+ memoir category, fails to keep me interested enough to finish the book. 2 stars
Description from the publisher:
"Inquisitive and expansive, Like a Boy but Not a Boy explores author andrea bennett's experiences with gender expectations, being a non-binary parent, and the sometimes funny and sometimes difficult task of living in a body. The book's fourteen essays also delve incisively into the interconnected themes of mental illness, mortality, creative work, class, and bike mechanics (apparently you can learn a lot about yourself through truing a wheel).
In "Tomboy," andrea articulates what it means to live in a gender in-between space, and why one might be necessary; "37 Jobs 21 Houses" interrogates the notion that the key to a better life is working hard and moving house. And interspersed throughout the book is "Everyone Is Sober and No One Can Drive," sixteen stories about queer millennials who grew up and came of age in small communities.
With the same poignant spirit as Ivan Coyote's "Tomboy Survival Guide", "Like a Boy but Not a Boy" addresses the struggle to find acceptance, and to accept oneself; and how one can find one's place while learning to make space for others. The book also wonders it means to be an atheist and search for faith that everything will be okay; what it means to learn how to love life even as you obsess over its brevity; and how to give birth, to bring new life, at what feels like the end of the world.
With thoughtfulness and acute observation, andrea bennett reveal intimate truths about the human experience, whether one is outside the gender binary or not."
I DNFd this book at the 50% mark. This is only the second or third one I've done that to but that doesn't mean there weren't some great things about this memoir. I was really interested in the subject of this book as there aren't too many queer memoirs by parents writing about that particular topic, as well as including other queer short essays about how being LGBTQIA+ has affected their lives. The first chapter was great. The second didn't resonate with me at all. The first few stories by other writers were terrible. The writing seemed to be done by people who had never had to write about themselves before and didn't know how to do it. I wanted to stop there but forced myself to continue, hoping andrea's sections would at least hold my attention. They did get better and I found myself interested if not quite enjoying myself. But my interest waned and I just didn't have the motivation to keep reading. I really hate giving this book such a low rating since I really love the ideas behind the memoir but it didn't keep me wanting to come back for more. Recommended to actual queer people (I'm the parent of an LGBTQIA+ person but not queer myself) who want a memoir along with queer topics and can push through some less than stellar writing.
*ETA Nov 2023*
I picked this book up again as part of a challenge to finish a book you've DNFd before. I still had the same issues with it but I liked more of the remaining chapters than I did in the first half of the book. I'd say I liked about 50% of them. The ones I did like were focused on andrea, for the most part either being a parent or at least being queer. The chapters I didn't like didn't seem relevant to the memoir (and excruciatingly long essay on the state of Canadian literature in the 1960s to present was the worst to me). The same went for the short essays by other people: some were fine, one was good and the others I skimmed. In the end I raised this to 3 stars because I liked more in the last half and I really liked the chapters about andrea being pregnant and breastfeeding as a nonbinary person.
*I received this eARC from Arsenal Pulp Press via Edelweiss+ in return for an honest review.
My ratings: * I hated it ** It was okay *** I liked it **** Really good ***** Great
TW (trigger warnings): homophobia, transphobia
"Like a Boy but Not a Boy: Navigating Life, Mental Health, and Parenthood Outside the Gender Binary" by andrea bennett, a new voice in the LGBTQIA+ memoir category, fails to keep me interested enough to finish the book. 2 stars
Description from the publisher:
"Inquisitive and expansive, Like a Boy but Not a Boy explores author andrea bennett's experiences with gender expectations, being a non-binary parent, and the sometimes funny and sometimes difficult task of living in a body. The book's fourteen essays also delve incisively into the interconnected themes of mental illness, mortality, creative work, class, and bike mechanics (apparently you can learn a lot about yourself through truing a wheel).
In "Tomboy," andrea articulates what it means to live in a gender in-between space, and why one might be necessary; "37 Jobs 21 Houses" interrogates the notion that the key to a better life is working hard and moving house. And interspersed throughout the book is "Everyone Is Sober and No One Can Drive," sixteen stories about queer millennials who grew up and came of age in small communities.
With the same poignant spirit as Ivan Coyote's "Tomboy Survival Guide", "Like a Boy but Not a Boy" addresses the struggle to find acceptance, and to accept oneself; and how one can find one's place while learning to make space for others. The book also wonders it means to be an atheist and search for faith that everything will be okay; what it means to learn how to love life even as you obsess over its brevity; and how to give birth, to bring new life, at what feels like the end of the world.
With thoughtfulness and acute observation, andrea bennett reveal intimate truths about the human experience, whether one is outside the gender binary or not."
I DNFd this book at the 50% mark. This is only the second or third one I've done that to but that doesn't mean there weren't some great things about this memoir. I was really interested in the subject of this book as there aren't too many queer memoirs by parents writing about that particular topic, as well as including other queer short essays about how being LGBTQIA+ has affected their lives. The first chapter was great. The second didn't resonate with me at all. The first few stories by other writers were terrible. The writing seemed to be done by people who had never had to write about themselves before and didn't know how to do it. I wanted to stop there but forced myself to continue, hoping andrea's sections would at least hold my attention. They did get better and I found myself interested if not quite enjoying myself. But my interest waned and I just didn't have the motivation to keep reading. I really hate giving this book such a low rating since I really love the ideas behind the memoir but it didn't keep me wanting to come back for more. Recommended to actual queer people (I'm the parent of an LGBTQIA+ person but not queer myself) who want a memoir along with queer topics and can push through some less than stellar writing.
*ETA Nov 2023*
I picked this book up again as part of a challenge to finish a book you've DNFd before. I still had the same issues with it but I liked more of the remaining chapters than I did in the first half of the book. I'd say I liked about 50% of them. The ones I did like were focused on andrea, for the most part either being a parent or at least being queer. The chapters I didn't like didn't seem relevant to the memoir (and excruciatingly long essay on the state of Canadian literature in the 1960s to present was the worst to me). The same went for the short essays by other people: some were fine, one was good and the others I skimmed. In the end I raised this to 3 stars because I liked more in the last half and I really liked the chapters about andrea being pregnant and breastfeeding as a nonbinary person.
March 4, 2020
My review is in the form of a blurb on this excellent collection of essays. Check it out!
September 25, 2020
I really loved this collection of essays by non-binary writer and illustrator andrea bennett. There's bits on growing up working class, being bipolar, being a non-binary parent, nursing as a non-binary person, and many other things. The author talks about their fear of death, their life struggles, and even UBC accountable. In between each essay, there are interviews with queer millenials who didn't grow up in large cities. I really enjoyed these interviews, and it made me think about the differences between millenials and Gen-Xers and what their coming out stories are like. (I'm a cis, straight, woman, but I have a fascination for stories about people coming from places where they did not feel at home.
I have never met andrea, but I tweet with them at least several times each week and have read some previous essays. By reading this collection, I felt that I got to know them better.
I hope lots of people read this book and that it doesn't get ignored because it came out during the pandemic.
I have never met andrea, but I tweet with them at least several times each week and have read some previous essays. By reading this collection, I felt that I got to know them better.
I hope lots of people read this book and that it doesn't get ignored because it came out during the pandemic.
Read
January 11, 2021andrea is my friend, so obviously I'll think this book is great. But what they do is bring the reader, so graciously and patiently, into worlds I don't know (parenting, being non-binary, bike mechanics) and into worlds I do (being a writer, being involved in university investigation - see The People's Poetry essay) and let us stand in those worlds and look around, inhabit them, experience them. And we are richer and better for it.
July 14, 2021
DNF. Forced myself to read almost half of this book, but found it just so boring. The writing wasn’t great and the interwoven profiles were worse.
August 12, 2023
i really appreciated the essays that focused on parenthood, as that’s kind of what i came to this book looking for. my gender identity has recently started to shift, and with that i’m looking for affirming books (books that show me i can exist as myself, even in later stages of my life). the parenthood essays definitely gave me what i wanted.
the random bios of other queer people in between chapters really took me out of the greater story of this authors life. i still don’t really know why they were included? a lot of them felt very same-y to me and didn’t illustrate varied queer experiences. didn’t appreciate the gay cop bio 👎
the random bios of other queer people in between chapters really took me out of the greater story of this authors life. i still don’t really know why they were included? a lot of them felt very same-y to me and didn’t illustrate varied queer experiences. didn’t appreciate the gay cop bio 👎
December 29, 2020
Enjoyed some essays more than others. Loved the parts about queer parenting. I found the essays about writing less compelling.
April 5, 2021
This book had SO much - gender and sexuality as spectrums! Parenting! Anxiety! Life! Bicycling! I loved it.
October 13, 2020
“It may also be that being queer is like rewriting a script: when you break one of the main rules, you just aren’t as willing to follow other kinds of rules, and you’re not as willing to follow traditional life paths.”
andrea bennett is a non-binary writer, poet and parent who grew up in Hamilton, but currently lives in Powell River, BC. Like a Boy But Not a Boy is their first essay collection, which touches on subjects such as giving birth and raising a child as a non-binary person and trying to make a living as a working-class writer in CanLit. They also write about being bipolar, having a fear of death and working as a bike mechanic.
This is a very beautiful collection! All of the essays were written with a lot of truth, heart and compassion. The essays were also very well-researched, oftentimes mixing bennett’s personal experiences with a historical zoom-out. I really liked how bennett wrote honestly about the amount of work it takes to be a writer in Canada, oftentimes “work[ing] as a server or bartender or dishwasher as your freelance pieces win awards and appear in the Globe and Mail.”
My favourite essays in particular were “The People’s Poetry,” “37 Jobs and 21 Houses” and “Everyone is Sober and No One Can Drive,” an extremely aptly-titled 16-part essay drawn from interviews with LGBTQ+ people who grew up in small towns in Canada. I’d recommend this collection if you are particularly interested in reading about queer parenthood, or being a working-class writer.
Please note: I received a free digital ARC of this book from the publisher in exchange for a fair and honest review.
andrea bennett is a non-binary writer, poet and parent who grew up in Hamilton, but currently lives in Powell River, BC. Like a Boy But Not a Boy is their first essay collection, which touches on subjects such as giving birth and raising a child as a non-binary person and trying to make a living as a working-class writer in CanLit. They also write about being bipolar, having a fear of death and working as a bike mechanic.
This is a very beautiful collection! All of the essays were written with a lot of truth, heart and compassion. The essays were also very well-researched, oftentimes mixing bennett’s personal experiences with a historical zoom-out. I really liked how bennett wrote honestly about the amount of work it takes to be a writer in Canada, oftentimes “work[ing] as a server or bartender or dishwasher as your freelance pieces win awards and appear in the Globe and Mail.”
My favourite essays in particular were “The People’s Poetry,” “37 Jobs and 21 Houses” and “Everyone is Sober and No One Can Drive,” an extremely aptly-titled 16-part essay drawn from interviews with LGBTQ+ people who grew up in small towns in Canada. I’d recommend this collection if you are particularly interested in reading about queer parenthood, or being a working-class writer.
Please note: I received a free digital ARC of this book from the publisher in exchange for a fair and honest review.
June 28, 2021
DNF: I ended up skipping around to the ending. I greatly disliked the extra stories in the middle. I kept getting details of these extra stories with the ones of the main author. There were also parts of this book that I felt boring and unnecessary.
November 6, 2022
Article after article of millennials from white, Christian, and upper class backgrounds (save 2-3) talking about how they didn’t know that queerness existed until their 20s/30s and resent and clutch their pearls at younger generations for being so openly trans and gay and radical. Endless transphobic hot takes about how cis gays should be allowed to be “woman-adjunct” instead of being called non-binary. Almost every story was someone being angry that they didn’t get the money they were promised after achieving the allotted academic progress. According to this book, if you were born sometime in the late eighties-to-mid 90s, you probably never met a gay person until you went to university and if you did you bullied them throughout your childhood because you were normal, relatable, trying to please your Christian Conservative parents and just hadn’t taken a sociology class yet. Also, zero essays from any trans women or trans femmes. One indigenous person is mentioned (in a book centering Canadian voices?!), who rejects connecting to their indigenous background because they were culturally displaced in the foster care system. As an indigenous person who was also in foster care, I was disappointed that their article, too, was about finding the younger generations overtly radical.
In the 500 pages of this constant weak angle playing into respectability politics, I did like the article about bipolar/schizoaffective disorders that seemed to be thrown in there by accident. The author’s take that media’s framing around #reducingstigma re: “We Need To Talk About Mental Health” was to relocate focus onto the costs employers face when the working class can’t be productive enough to meet financial goals, or as an onus on people to share their stories “for nickels and dimes to raise brand recognition” or for sanitized portrayals that romanticize or idealize or pit disabled people against one another, so as to further invoke harm between class disparities. Andrea Bennett analysis was so solid here, and it’s unclear why the same praxes present in “On Being Bipolar” wasn’t reflected in the rest of this work on the topic of transphobia. I understand that Andrea came from a financially unstable background and attempted to jump classes as explained in this piece, wherein code-switching and learning to mirror people with money was important; but I don’t find it permissible to excuse adopting such conservative politics in the wake of that. Your class anxiety does not need to proceed your compassion for classes that you don’t or no longer occupy. This book was simply a portrayal of how every hand that dips into greater power, is met with greater acts of cowardice and betrayal.
In the 500 pages of this constant weak angle playing into respectability politics, I did like the article about bipolar/schizoaffective disorders that seemed to be thrown in there by accident. The author’s take that media’s framing around #reducingstigma re: “We Need To Talk About Mental Health” was to relocate focus onto the costs employers face when the working class can’t be productive enough to meet financial goals, or as an onus on people to share their stories “for nickels and dimes to raise brand recognition” or for sanitized portrayals that romanticize or idealize or pit disabled people against one another, so as to further invoke harm between class disparities. Andrea Bennett analysis was so solid here, and it’s unclear why the same praxes present in “On Being Bipolar” wasn’t reflected in the rest of this work on the topic of transphobia. I understand that Andrea came from a financially unstable background and attempted to jump classes as explained in this piece, wherein code-switching and learning to mirror people with money was important; but I don’t find it permissible to excuse adopting such conservative politics in the wake of that. Your class anxiety does not need to proceed your compassion for classes that you don’t or no longer occupy. This book was simply a portrayal of how every hand that dips into greater power, is met with greater acts of cowardice and betrayal.
August 16, 2025
This is a collection of personal essays by andrea bennett about their experience growing up as a non-binary kid in a dysfunctional home in a small town, being a non-binary birthing parent, navigating mental health challenges, and working in CanLit. I enjoyed their essays a lot. Non-binary people as a group are as diverse as any other group and I always find it interesting to read experiences different than my own, especially, in this case, the stuff around parenting.
Interspersed with bennett‘s personal essays are a series of vignettes that they have written based on interviews with queer and trans millennials who grew up in small often rural towns in Canada. I saw some value to these as a small town queer/trans millennial myself - certain thematic threads developed that were relatable around the difficulties of representation and acceptance in a smaller place, especially in a no-internet/early internet/pre social media generation. But in terms of reading enjoyment they fell flat for me. They were extremely dry, journalistic or case-study like renderings that made it difficult to connect with the folks being written about. I would have preferred essays written by some of these folks or perhaps an interview format for these pieces showing andrea‘s questions and the person’s responses.
I also would’ve liked a bit more sense of how benett chose the folks they featured in the book. It felt like these case studies, taken as a body, somewhat conflated gay/lesbian/bi+ and nonbinary/trans experiences, which, although there are overlaps (and many of us including bennett are both), it is different being a gender minority than a sexual minority. I would’ve appreciated those nuances to be teased out somehow.
Although bennett’s writing is not overly flowery, the starkness of the case vignettes was a jarring contrast to their more emotive personal essays, and I did not feel the book flowed well as a whole, especially without anything in between the pieces to join them up thematically.
All that aside, I would be interested to read other books by bennett as I did enjoy their writing.
Interspersed with bennett‘s personal essays are a series of vignettes that they have written based on interviews with queer and trans millennials who grew up in small often rural towns in Canada. I saw some value to these as a small town queer/trans millennial myself - certain thematic threads developed that were relatable around the difficulties of representation and acceptance in a smaller place, especially in a no-internet/early internet/pre social media generation. But in terms of reading enjoyment they fell flat for me. They were extremely dry, journalistic or case-study like renderings that made it difficult to connect with the folks being written about. I would have preferred essays written by some of these folks or perhaps an interview format for these pieces showing andrea‘s questions and the person’s responses.
I also would’ve liked a bit more sense of how benett chose the folks they featured in the book. It felt like these case studies, taken as a body, somewhat conflated gay/lesbian/bi+ and nonbinary/trans experiences, which, although there are overlaps (and many of us including bennett are both), it is different being a gender minority than a sexual minority. I would’ve appreciated those nuances to be teased out somehow.
Although bennett’s writing is not overly flowery, the starkness of the case vignettes was a jarring contrast to their more emotive personal essays, and I did not feel the book flowed well as a whole, especially without anything in between the pieces to join them up thematically.
All that aside, I would be interested to read other books by bennett as I did enjoy their writing.
Read
April 10, 2021Read almost half of this book. Found it remarkably boring. The writing wasn’t great. The interwoven profiles of other enby folks (separate from the author’s personal essays) were written as weird blurbs that felt like a very distanced clinical case note. I was so pumped for this one, but I couldn’t make it through.
December 8, 2023
A great set of essays. Connected with a lot of them, surprisingly.
July 19, 2024
I enjoyed this a lot, and it made me feel less alone. That said, it was written before 2020 and the author was a lot more hopeful than I feel these days.
Read
February 16, 2021 I am choosing to DNF this approx one-third of the way through. I am just finding it altogether too disjointed a reading experience. It started off well enough - the opening chapter being a very nuanced discussion of gender from the author’s own personal experience… but things went quickly downhill from there for me. The little vignettes about growing up in (mostly) small, rural communities are interesting but they are flat - monotonous, lifeless - and in as much as I feel for the individuals, I never really connect with them. Then there is the chapter on death - all about Waco, and Jim Jones et al… what was the point? How does this connect to an exploration of life in the non-binary? Talk about random…
I guess it’s partly a matter or expectation - mine - about what this book would be - blame the title? - and that it’s not what I thought it was going to be. Not withstanding that I am choosing not to finish this, there is most definitely an audience for this book, those queer and questioning who desperately need to see themselves reflected and know that they are not alone.
I guess it’s partly a matter or expectation - mine - about what this book would be - blame the title? - and that it’s not what I thought it was going to be. Not withstanding that I am choosing not to finish this, there is most definitely an audience for this book, those queer and questioning who desperately need to see themselves reflected and know that they are not alone.
Read
April 14, 2022Obviously I’m starved for books like this, and they’re very necessary and affirming to read. I was a little less sold on the 16 snapshots of queer millennials in small town Canada-at times I liked them, but I didn’t always feel like they had enough reason to be included. They weren’t fleshed out, and didn’t seem to contribute meaningfully. I would have been happy to have more of Andrea’s story, which was touching and relatable and honest and vulnerable.
August 16, 2020
My review of this title is forthcoming on Foreword Reviews.
January 6, 2024
As someone who has identified genderqueer (or non-binary, as I use the terms interchangeably for myself) for over 10 years now but went in and out of the closet at various times as I struggled with fear and internalized transphobia due to CPTSD from an abusive upbringing that is intrinsically linked to my family's queerphobia, this was definitely a book I needed to personally read and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is gender questioning.
Many reviews have said it, but the essays on parenting and nursing while non-binary were probably the best part of this book. I read this a few months before my kiddo turned 3, so a lot the emotions were relatable, raw, and currently happening to me, so I could relate and laugh and cry in a very poignant way as someone who as a birthing parent, is like a Mom, but not a Mom (do you see what I did there).
That being said, however, I also greatly appreciated the other essays as well. Unlike a majority of those interviewed, I DID grow up in a large city, but, like them, I was not surrounded by a supportive environment around gender identity (or queerness in general) in a very Catholic, very conservative, very oppressive familial subculture. So to hear the experiences of queer millenials who grew up in more rural - and in turn unsupportive to downright hostile - areas, was extremely cathartic and relatable; That catharsis is why I can still rate this book 5 stars despite the fact that the quality of the writing in some of these other essays was lacking in comparison to Andrea's other ones in the book. It is extremely relatable to many people to not be able to think properly or kindly about queer people or their own queerness until adulthood (and therefore, escape from the conditioned bigotry many are programmed to have) when they are in these kinds of circumstances, and several of these essays explore that very well, in my opinion.
The essay regarding sexual assault investigations was also not only well-written, but fit right into the book, as it is a reflection of the complex feelings someone who is neither a boy or girl can have in reaction to what is typically (though of course not always) male-on-female sexual violence, due to the circumstances of their biological sex assigned at birth saddling them with a dark solidarity to the female survivors of such crimes.
Overall, I think I would consider this a must-read for non-binary people, particularly if you were AFAB and/or are going to be a trans birthing parent, or grew up surrounded by trauma from family or community due to your queerness.
*Edited for spelling errors.
Many reviews have said it, but the essays on parenting and nursing while non-binary were probably the best part of this book. I read this a few months before my kiddo turned 3, so a lot the emotions were relatable, raw, and currently happening to me, so I could relate and laugh and cry in a very poignant way as someone who as a birthing parent, is like a Mom, but not a Mom (do you see what I did there).
That being said, however, I also greatly appreciated the other essays as well. Unlike a majority of those interviewed, I DID grow up in a large city, but, like them, I was not surrounded by a supportive environment around gender identity (or queerness in general) in a very Catholic, very conservative, very oppressive familial subculture. So to hear the experiences of queer millenials who grew up in more rural - and in turn unsupportive to downright hostile - areas, was extremely cathartic and relatable; That catharsis is why I can still rate this book 5 stars despite the fact that the quality of the writing in some of these other essays was lacking in comparison to Andrea's other ones in the book. It is extremely relatable to many people to not be able to think properly or kindly about queer people or their own queerness until adulthood (and therefore, escape from the conditioned bigotry many are programmed to have) when they are in these kinds of circumstances, and several of these essays explore that very well, in my opinion.
The essay regarding sexual assault investigations was also not only well-written, but fit right into the book, as it is a reflection of the complex feelings someone who is neither a boy or girl can have in reaction to what is typically (though of course not always) male-on-female sexual violence, due to the circumstances of their biological sex assigned at birth saddling them with a dark solidarity to the female survivors of such crimes.
Overall, I think I would consider this a must-read for non-binary people, particularly if you were AFAB and/or are going to be a trans birthing parent, or grew up surrounded by trauma from family or community due to your queerness.
*Edited for spelling errors.
June 14, 2021
I found the exploration of parenthood outside the gender binary to be especially interesting, but I was really intrigued by all aspects of this - as one of the first non-fiction books/collection of essays I've read about the experiences of other non-binary people, I really appreciated the variety of accounts included from across Canada between each of andrea's essays. I also don't tend to tab/mark passages or quotes but felt the need to do so as I read this as I know I'll refer back to it, and will definitely be rereading it at different points in my life (the section on carving out an alternative name for 'mom' or 'dad' has been a topic that I am regularly thinking of and it was so validating to see that from someone else's perspective).
I'll be looking for some of andrea's other work and I'd definitely recommend this to people wanting to explore what living beyond the gender binary can look like.
Content warnings include: misgendering, homophobia, transphobia (these tend to occur in the accounts of other gender non-conforming people between andrea's essays), discussions of pregnancy (especially anxiety surrounding risks while pregnant and new-parent anxieties about infant survival), exploration of lactating as a masculine-presenting person (in conjunction with comments on 'top'/breast reduction surgery), discussions of and fixations on death, depression, mentions of rape and dissociation during, accounts of child neglect and abuse.
I'll be looking for some of andrea's other work and I'd definitely recommend this to people wanting to explore what living beyond the gender binary can look like.
Content warnings include: misgendering, homophobia, transphobia (these tend to occur in the accounts of other gender non-conforming people between andrea's essays), discussions of pregnancy (especially anxiety surrounding risks while pregnant and new-parent anxieties about infant survival), exploration of lactating as a masculine-presenting person (in conjunction with comments on 'top'/breast reduction surgery), discussions of and fixations on death, depression, mentions of rape and dissociation during, accounts of child neglect and abuse.
April 22, 2023
The personal essays in this volume were striking; I found myself wishing the author had worked to lengthen them rather than diffusing their impact by sandwiching in too-short biographies of other queer folk (which, just because of length, became sandwich fare).
I have written a lot about how corporeal parenting, especially early parenting, is, and the parenting essays were fascinating seen from the author's slightly skewed lens. I share the lens in some ways, because I have breast fed and gone back to work within six weeks, and expressed by hand in the facility's washroom, trying to keep my milk supply up, and after my top surgery, and for decades previously, I continued lactating, so reading about experiences with the author's child provoked strong let-downs. (It was an unexpected part of post-surgical life.)
The strongest essay for me was about the Canlit Galloway debacle, because the author is or was his personal friend. I had never met the man nor read a word he'd written except for FB posts, because I tended away from straight white male authors, and had no skin in the exceedingly misogynistic game, but came to the defence of his accusers. Consequently, I was insulted, harassed and threatened with lawsuits, and, inevitably, paid with my career in Canlit. This is what the Open Letter and the punching down gave Canada ultimately; it set equality efforts in Canlit back decades. But I mention the above only to compliment this essay's even hand about this turgid man and his putative mis-doings.
The author is a good essayist, and reading this book was a pleasure. I recommend it.
I have written a lot about how corporeal parenting, especially early parenting, is, and the parenting essays were fascinating seen from the author's slightly skewed lens. I share the lens in some ways, because I have breast fed and gone back to work within six weeks, and expressed by hand in the facility's washroom, trying to keep my milk supply up, and after my top surgery, and for decades previously, I continued lactating, so reading about experiences with the author's child provoked strong let-downs. (It was an unexpected part of post-surgical life.)
The strongest essay for me was about the Canlit Galloway debacle, because the author is or was his personal friend. I had never met the man nor read a word he'd written except for FB posts, because I tended away from straight white male authors, and had no skin in the exceedingly misogynistic game, but came to the defence of his accusers. Consequently, I was insulted, harassed and threatened with lawsuits, and, inevitably, paid with my career in Canlit. This is what the Open Letter and the punching down gave Canada ultimately; it set equality efforts in Canlit back decades. But I mention the above only to compliment this essay's even hand about this turgid man and his putative mis-doings.
The author is a good essayist, and reading this book was a pleasure. I recommend it.
December 8, 2022
Probably actually a 3.5 for me, but I have mixed feelings on this one so I'm rounding down. The essays written by the author were good, though I didn't entirely agree that the one about assault allegations in the academic/lit community fit in very well with the rest of them. (It was a great essay on its own, though.) No, unfortunately what put me off here were the interspersed chapters that told the stories of various other queer & trans Canadians whom the author had interviewed. It wasn't the subject matter so much as the quality of the writing; most of them read like they'd been written in the first person by people with no writing experience whatsoever, and then hastily changed into third person afterward. Monotonous, repetitive, and without much shape or pacing. If the author was attempting to preserve the interviewees' stories in their own words, well... I do understand, but in my own opinion the end result was not... good. I think those sections needed more editing than they got.
So as a whole? This book did not feel cohesive. Individually I quite enjoyed most of the essays, but it seemed like perhaps half of them fit together well and then the rest were sprinkled in to finish out the book. Worth reading, I think. Albeit with many caveats.
So as a whole? This book did not feel cohesive. Individually I quite enjoyed most of the essays, but it seemed like perhaps half of them fit together well and then the rest were sprinkled in to finish out the book. Worth reading, I think. Albeit with many caveats.
April 25, 2021
This is a collection of essays interspersed with (what sounds like) almost-transcriptions of other Canadians who identify in some way as not both straight and cis-gendered. I thought it would be entirely focused on the author's experience as non-binary, which to be honest is why I purchased it, hoping to find some insight into what a loved one might be living.
So I got some of that, and a bunch of things that weren't. They were interesting things, providing insight into so much more than gender identity. (Precarious employment? Consequences of not having health insurance? It's here. Starkly.)
I did read every word, and found much to think about. I'll keep the book and perhaps come back to it. I'm not a huge fan of the author's writing style, but I think she has worthwhile things to say, and will watch to see what more she comes up with as she gets older.
So I got some of that, and a bunch of things that weren't. They were interesting things, providing insight into so much more than gender identity. (Precarious employment? Consequences of not having health insurance? It's here. Starkly.)
I did read every word, and found much to think about. I'll keep the book and perhaps come back to it. I'm not a huge fan of the author's writing style, but I think she has worthwhile things to say, and will watch to see what more she comes up with as she gets older.
January 28, 2021
3.5 stars (WHEN WILL GOODREADS GIVE ME HALF STARS?)
Thoughtful and introspective, I enjoyed these essays by andrea bennett. I found their insights into living a non-binary life incredibly important for me, as a cisgender woman, to understand, and there was plenty else they had to share: reflections on being working class, mental health, and death and mortality, in particular, stuck with me. There are quite a few essays on parenthood, as well, which I think is incredibly important (that is, broadening our language around parenthood and what parents and families look like), though I'll admit those weren't personally my favorite, probably because of my own baggage around becoming a parent.
Thoughtful and introspective, I enjoyed these essays by andrea bennett. I found their insights into living a non-binary life incredibly important for me, as a cisgender woman, to understand, and there was plenty else they had to share: reflections on being working class, mental health, and death and mortality, in particular, stuck with me. There are quite a few essays on parenthood, as well, which I think is incredibly important (that is, broadening our language around parenthood and what parents and families look like), though I'll admit those weren't personally my favorite, probably because of my own baggage around becoming a parent.
October 12, 2021
Wow, I loved this book. I took notes on so many excerpts from this book. Bennett intermingles their own essays on gender, parenthood, and other important themes of their life with short stories of individuals they had interviewed. I appreciated this dual structure as it kept the pacing of the book easy to read and highly interesting. A lot of insights from Bennett themself and the queer individuals featured in this book I found to be very relatable. Bennett has a talent for portraying individuals’ stories in a way that speaks for a larger group of people. I highly recommend this book to non-binary people, particularly if you are trans masc or afab and masc of center and/or if you are trans and would to carry a child.
March 12, 2022
I wanted to read this book because the author brings a perspective to the table that I’ve rarely heard about: in particular, their experience giving birth to a child while identifying as male. Tension ensues as external expectations conflict with the author’s internal experience.
Ultimately though, I struggled to get through several of the essays. Some felt esoteric - for instance, one seemed to rely on recognition of several figures in Canadian literary academia. Maybe another audience would better understand them? And even the more personal memories felt somehow distant.
I am still glad I read the book to hear about the author’s experiences and struggles, but it felt more like an intellectual exercise than an engaging read.
Ultimately though, I struggled to get through several of the essays. Some felt esoteric - for instance, one seemed to rely on recognition of several figures in Canadian literary academia. Maybe another audience would better understand them? And even the more personal memories felt somehow distant.
I am still glad I read the book to hear about the author’s experiences and struggles, but it felt more like an intellectual exercise than an engaging read.
December 18, 2024
I forced myself to finish the book. I was bored to death. I couldn’t find myself to care enough for the author’s story. The part where they talked about the non-binary experience when they have a baby is very interesting and it’s what I wanted to read more when I got this book. But instead, the author rambled on about their personal life, that doesn’t have anything to do much with being non-binary.
There are essays from other people too that I can’t really relate to. Most of their experience are queer related and not necessarily non-binary related.
The misleading title doesn’t help. I thought the book would focus more on the transmasculine non-binary experience.
There are essays from other people too that I can’t really relate to. Most of their experience are queer related and not necessarily non-binary related.
The misleading title doesn’t help. I thought the book would focus more on the transmasculine non-binary experience.
March 28, 2021
I connected with a few of the individual stories, but the book as a whole was lacking cohesiveness. It offered a lens into mental illness which I've never truly allowed myself to reflect on from a gender-non-conforming persepctive; I think these topics were the greatest strength of the book for me for me, in that I don't really see anyone else out there broaching the intersection of these topics. I honestly found the first half of the book really uncomfortable to read, but it's in that discomfort that I feel like I've grown.
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