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Dancing with a Porcupine: Parenting wounded children without losing your self
Parenting is hard. So what do you do when you're parenting a child who has experienced trauma or has extra challenges? You often feel alone and inadequate. You want so much to help your child, but you are at the end of your own rope. You feel guilty that sometimes you want to just quit.What can you do -- how can you make it through the day -- how can you help your child while also taking care of yourself?
Maybe someone you love is parenting a traumatized child. Or perhaps you are a social worker, counselor, or other professional who sees families like these every day. You want to know how to better help them.
In Dancing with a Porcupine, Jennie Owens shares with humor and raw honesty the compelling story of her struggle to save her own life while caring for three children she and her husband adopted from foster care. How could she stay loving, giving, and forgiving in the midst of a daily battle with children acting out the rage, resentment, and pain of their own traumatic pasts?
When faith, endurance, and creativity are not enough, what's next?
Maybe someone you love is parenting a traumatized child. Or perhaps you are a social worker, counselor, or other professional who sees families like these every day. You want to know how to better help them.
In Dancing with a Porcupine, Jennie Owens shares with humor and raw honesty the compelling story of her struggle to save her own life while caring for three children she and her husband adopted from foster care. How could she stay loving, giving, and forgiving in the midst of a daily battle with children acting out the rage, resentment, and pain of their own traumatic pasts?
When faith, endurance, and creativity are not enough, what's next?
240 pages, Paperback
Published August 21, 2019
79 people are currently reading
346 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
October 21, 2022
Please do not read this book. I am both scared and shocked by the good reviews. I empathize with the writer as I love and care for many foster kids and know how hard trauma behaviors can be, but this book is unhealthy, self-centered, and not trauma-informed, no matter how many connection0-based techniques she threw into the mix of endless loathing and whining.
I would be devastated if my mom wrote about me this way. Poor kids.
This book could be damaging to new foster parents. The only reason to read this book is to see the dangerous attitude that can arise in someone who falls to this mindset of expectations and "why me?"
I would be devastated if my mom wrote about me this way. Poor kids.
This book could be damaging to new foster parents. The only reason to read this book is to see the dangerous attitude that can arise in someone who falls to this mindset of expectations and "why me?"
Read
February 3, 2020Towards the end of 2019, I received a message and an offer from author Jennie Owens. She was wondering if she might send me an e-copy of her book, Dancing with a Porcupine, in exchange for an honest review. I went to Goodreads to see what the book was about and had a moment of connection. What Jennie didn't know, is that, for the past 20 years, I have worked for a nonprofit organization that supports foster and adoptive parents. Her request was a bridge between my Day Job and my Book Blog. I accepted but ended up purchasing a physical copy of the book to read. (E-books just aren't my thing.)
Dancing with a Porcupine is Jennie's personal story of her family. She and her husband, Lynn, adopted three children from foster care--three wounded children with histories of trauma, that is. In shocking, stunning, and, at times heartbreaking, detail, she describes her journey of love, attachment, and healing with her two sons and daughter. The book isn't for the faint of heart; but, then again, neither is parenting or caring for children impacted by trauma.
I am not a parent, but I know many. I know many who have birthed children, who have fostered, who have cared for relative children, who have adopted. Because of my Day Job, I know, probably better than many, the complexities and realities that face these parents. I know how deeply committed they are; how much of themselves they are willing to fearlessly (or at least it seems fearless!) put out there for the best interest of the children in their care. And I know how devastating, frustrating, and thankless the job sometimes is. I admire these parents and caregivers all the more because they do things on a daily basis that I would never do myself; they make themselves vulnerable for the cause of helping children and youth heal. They are champions among us.
If you work with these parents and caregivers--if you are one of these particular kinds of champions--I recommend this book to you. Unflinchingly honest, Jennie Owens' story will help you know that you are not alone. You will walk away feeling like someone understands your journeys and struggles. (And, with a plug for my Day Job here, if you need support along your journey, please know that the Coalition for Children, Youth & Families is here to help! Especially check out our No Matter What Families site at https://nomatterwhatfamilies.org. Okay, plug over!)
Dancing with a Porcupine is Jennie's personal story of her family. She and her husband, Lynn, adopted three children from foster care--three wounded children with histories of trauma, that is. In shocking, stunning, and, at times heartbreaking, detail, she describes her journey of love, attachment, and healing with her two sons and daughter. The book isn't for the faint of heart; but, then again, neither is parenting or caring for children impacted by trauma.
I am not a parent, but I know many. I know many who have birthed children, who have fostered, who have cared for relative children, who have adopted. Because of my Day Job, I know, probably better than many, the complexities and realities that face these parents. I know how deeply committed they are; how much of themselves they are willing to fearlessly (or at least it seems fearless!) put out there for the best interest of the children in their care. And I know how devastating, frustrating, and thankless the job sometimes is. I admire these parents and caregivers all the more because they do things on a daily basis that I would never do myself; they make themselves vulnerable for the cause of helping children and youth heal. They are champions among us.
If you work with these parents and caregivers--if you are one of these particular kinds of champions--I recommend this book to you. Unflinchingly honest, Jennie Owens' story will help you know that you are not alone. You will walk away feeling like someone understands your journeys and struggles. (And, with a plug for my Day Job here, if you need support along your journey, please know that the Coalition for Children, Youth & Families is here to help! Especially check out our No Matter What Families site at https://nomatterwhatfamilies.org. Okay, plug over!)
August 5, 2019
“Our society doesn’t value self-care. We’re taught to sacrifice and not to take care of ourselves at all.”
I feel like I know Jennie after reading this. She shared so much with so much honesty and vulnerability.
When you pick up this book, you'll be reading about her life with her three children. In the beginning, she sounded so perfect I started to worry that I would finish the book wondering if I would continue to berate myself for not being the mom I always pictured. But keep reading! Jennie wrote about attempts to be what society considers perfect and shared how deep she fell into a pit of her own depression.
She climbs out and shares real life solutions for herself for self care.
She shares so many real life situations of children from trauma. So while she's telling only how it helped her, it's so relatable you'll want to take notes
I feel like I know Jennie after reading this. She shared so much with so much honesty and vulnerability.
When you pick up this book, you'll be reading about her life with her three children. In the beginning, she sounded so perfect I started to worry that I would finish the book wondering if I would continue to berate myself for not being the mom I always pictured. But keep reading! Jennie wrote about attempts to be what society considers perfect and shared how deep she fell into a pit of her own depression.
She climbs out and shares real life solutions for herself for self care.
She shares so many real life situations of children from trauma. So while she's telling only how it helped her, it's so relatable you'll want to take notes
March 3, 2022
As an adoptive parent this book was about validation. It also opened up my eyes to things my wife may be going through and is bound to start healthy conversation. This book for an expecting adoptive parent can only provide a glimpse of what you are getting into. But it is all worth the ride. Great Read!!
December 8, 2021
I needed this
My heart needed this book so badly. I found it recommended by another parent of a child of trauma. Until that point, I had been reading "normal" parenting books about brain development, parenting techniques, how to handle xyz. All seemed spot on with my biological kids... and completely unhelpful with the foster child of trauma who i needed help with. "We DO that... it isn't helping." Nothing I did seemed to help. Our home often felt like a war zone, with everyone a victim.
And we got very little support. I now understand that therapists we saw were not equipped for a child of this background. Friends and family would often stare at me as though I was crazy, ungrateful, or even downright horrible as I'd try to share or vent my hurt and frustration. "But he's such a good kid!" So I stopped sharing. Which meant I was alone. The only people who seemed to understand were those who had been through the same thing. Those brief moments of connection were so validating... that this wasn't a normal parenting situation. But while they understood, they described their experiences more as survival too. There doesn't seem to be adequate recognition or education for foster parents/guardians/adoptive parents that these are *not* normal parenting situations. So we're all left in the dark, alone, trying to reinvent the wheel.
This book shares the very real experiences and challenges. Jennie shares the toll it took on her and her marriage. She shares what she did well... and what she did not do well. But she kept getting up, learning, and trying again.
Reading this book was incredibly validating that I'm not insane, haha. Mommy shopping is real. The manipulation of relationships is real. The parent triangulation is real. The need to constantly "correct the narrative" after hyperbole and lies is real. The hypervigilance is real and needed. Having health issues because of the daily stress is real. Jennie validates all of this while also keeping in perspective that it isnt kid against adult causing this... it's kid and adult against past trauma.
At times this book really glossed over some aspects... and I understand why. This isn't Parker or Stephen or Bri's story of their journey. It's Jennie's. But sometimes she foreshadows how much something helped, but doesn't go into how in any level of detail. She doesn't mention a lot of the deep challenges she surely faced as they were teens. The book kind of goes in waves of how much it'll share from a period... many chapters focused on one month of time, then years pass in a paragraph. I definitely didn't feel the need for excruciating day-to-day challenges, as I feel those myself. But when she hints at more complex problems (Bri's destructive relationships with guys), I wish she'd offer more insight into her journey as a parent at those points.
Mostly I'd say this book isn't a how-to guide. It's more of a "sit with a warm cup of tea, let the load off, and finally feel heard." While also offering hope and light for our own care of self.
My heart needed this book so badly. I found it recommended by another parent of a child of trauma. Until that point, I had been reading "normal" parenting books about brain development, parenting techniques, how to handle xyz. All seemed spot on with my biological kids... and completely unhelpful with the foster child of trauma who i needed help with. "We DO that... it isn't helping." Nothing I did seemed to help. Our home often felt like a war zone, with everyone a victim.
And we got very little support. I now understand that therapists we saw were not equipped for a child of this background. Friends and family would often stare at me as though I was crazy, ungrateful, or even downright horrible as I'd try to share or vent my hurt and frustration. "But he's such a good kid!" So I stopped sharing. Which meant I was alone. The only people who seemed to understand were those who had been through the same thing. Those brief moments of connection were so validating... that this wasn't a normal parenting situation. But while they understood, they described their experiences more as survival too. There doesn't seem to be adequate recognition or education for foster parents/guardians/adoptive parents that these are *not* normal parenting situations. So we're all left in the dark, alone, trying to reinvent the wheel.
This book shares the very real experiences and challenges. Jennie shares the toll it took on her and her marriage. She shares what she did well... and what she did not do well. But she kept getting up, learning, and trying again.
Reading this book was incredibly validating that I'm not insane, haha. Mommy shopping is real. The manipulation of relationships is real. The parent triangulation is real. The need to constantly "correct the narrative" after hyperbole and lies is real. The hypervigilance is real and needed. Having health issues because of the daily stress is real. Jennie validates all of this while also keeping in perspective that it isnt kid against adult causing this... it's kid and adult against past trauma.
At times this book really glossed over some aspects... and I understand why. This isn't Parker or Stephen or Bri's story of their journey. It's Jennie's. But sometimes she foreshadows how much something helped, but doesn't go into how in any level of detail. She doesn't mention a lot of the deep challenges she surely faced as they were teens. The book kind of goes in waves of how much it'll share from a period... many chapters focused on one month of time, then years pass in a paragraph. I definitely didn't feel the need for excruciating day-to-day challenges, as I feel those myself. But when she hints at more complex problems (Bri's destructive relationships with guys), I wish she'd offer more insight into her journey as a parent at those points.
Mostly I'd say this book isn't a how-to guide. It's more of a "sit with a warm cup of tea, let the load off, and finally feel heard." While also offering hope and light for our own care of self.
June 12, 2022
Got me through a really hard week
It has been an exhausting and difficult week or two for our family, so I found this book at just the right time. Reading it for a few minutes here and there has gotten me through some hard days.
We are unfortunately quite familiar with most of the kids’ behaviors and patterns mentioned in this book, and I was thrilled to find some helpful tips that I am putting into practice. I loved that the book was broken not only into chapters, but also into smaller anecdotal sections that made it possible for me to enjoy it even if I only had five minutes or less to spend reading.
Most of all, I deeply appreciate the author being vulnerable enough to discuss her REAL feelings in the midst of this journey, even when they weren’t flattering. Whether we admit it or not, all parents have these feelings. We are human. When foster/adoptive parents hide this and only allow others to see the “highlight reel,” this causes people who might have made great foster parents to think they don’t have what it takes; to say things like “you’re a saint, how do you do it? I never could!” That is the last thing we need.
Reading this book helped me accept my own feelings. I also feel a little less alone than I did before. It gives me hope for my children, their healing, and our relationships. My mom is also reading it now and has said it is helping her understand what we are going through. I loved this book, will probably read it again, and will recommend it to others—to those who have fostered/adopted, but especially to those who haven’t!
It has been an exhausting and difficult week or two for our family, so I found this book at just the right time. Reading it for a few minutes here and there has gotten me through some hard days.
We are unfortunately quite familiar with most of the kids’ behaviors and patterns mentioned in this book, and I was thrilled to find some helpful tips that I am putting into practice. I loved that the book was broken not only into chapters, but also into smaller anecdotal sections that made it possible for me to enjoy it even if I only had five minutes or less to spend reading.
Most of all, I deeply appreciate the author being vulnerable enough to discuss her REAL feelings in the midst of this journey, even when they weren’t flattering. Whether we admit it or not, all parents have these feelings. We are human. When foster/adoptive parents hide this and only allow others to see the “highlight reel,” this causes people who might have made great foster parents to think they don’t have what it takes; to say things like “you’re a saint, how do you do it? I never could!” That is the last thing we need.
Reading this book helped me accept my own feelings. I also feel a little less alone than I did before. It gives me hope for my children, their healing, and our relationships. My mom is also reading it now and has said it is helping her understand what we are going through. I loved this book, will probably read it again, and will recommend it to others—to those who have fostered/adopted, but especially to those who haven’t!
October 5, 2021
This is an eye-opening book appropriate for anyone who is considering taking in or working with foster children. Owens describes the many ways that the trauma inflicted on the children in her care affected their behaviors in her home, as well as the resultant trauma she experienced raising these children. Though she intends it to be an aid for preventing other adoptive/foster parents from experiencing similar trauma, I am not convinced that her solution (self-care) isn't one that many individuals will have to learn the hard way, rather than from a book.
I was impressed by how honest Owens was about her own emotions over the years. I was also impressed with how she conveyed her message without making her children's foibles and short-comings a spectacle for voyeuristic readers. While I do believe it was her religion that kept her going over those many unbelievably challenging hours, weeks, months, and years, I felt the heavy handed use of her relationship with God might be alienating to parents who don't share her faith.
A quick read; better quality writing than you would expect to read in a self-published book.
I was impressed by how honest Owens was about her own emotions over the years. I was also impressed with how she conveyed her message without making her children's foibles and short-comings a spectacle for voyeuristic readers. While I do believe it was her religion that kept her going over those many unbelievably challenging hours, weeks, months, and years, I felt the heavy handed use of her relationship with God might be alienating to parents who don't share her faith.
A quick read; better quality writing than you would expect to read in a self-published book.
August 30, 2022
Dancing with a porcupine is an amazing read. I love how vulnerable the author was throughout the book. It is easy to focus on a list of suggestions or to share how we have it all together. It is a lot harder to say no that just sucked, I don’t know how to fix it, I did stuff wrong, and it broke me. I am really thankful the author took the time to ask her family permission to share their stories. Many people sanitize their writing, but it’s the messy stuff that helps others learn and feel like they are not alone. This book is chuck full of real life parenting situations that I could relate to, ideas to try, and backup ideas when the first ideas don’t work. After parenting many kids I still learned so much from this book and wish I had read it when I first started. This is also a great book to read if you know someone who has foster or adopted children to help you understand the challenges they face.
July 5, 2022
I did something I never do
I can't really recommend this book. When I read the description of it, I expected to really get into it because I had just finished, "But He Spit in My Coffee", and couldn't put it down. This book was no where near as consuming or compelling although it dealt with a pretty similar situation. There is a lot of focus on holistic healing but overall I found myself just skimming and skipping pages, something I never do. It's fairly short, focusing mostly on a two year period of time. I was pretty glad to find myself at the epilogue page. " When Rain Hurts" is another book besides the one mentioned above I'd suggest that deals with RAD. Overall, I was bored.
I can't really recommend this book. When I read the description of it, I expected to really get into it because I had just finished, "But He Spit in My Coffee", and couldn't put it down. This book was no where near as consuming or compelling although it dealt with a pretty similar situation. There is a lot of focus on holistic healing but overall I found myself just skimming and skipping pages, something I never do. It's fairly short, focusing mostly on a two year period of time. I was pretty glad to find myself at the epilogue page. " When Rain Hurts" is another book besides the one mentioned above I'd suggest that deals with RAD. Overall, I was bored.
March 4, 2020
Holy Cow, she get me!
I have followed Jennie on social media for quite some time now and when she published this book, I immediately added it to my reading wish list. Something or someone told me to start reading this book and I am so glad I did. More than once I felt normal and was able to relate to what Jennie was describing. I feared up frequently during this book and am so grateful she wrote it... I read this on my Kindle and plan to purchase to read again and again. I will be sharing this book with other foster/adoptive parents as well.
I have followed Jennie on social media for quite some time now and when she published this book, I immediately added it to my reading wish list. Something or someone told me to start reading this book and I am so glad I did. More than once I felt normal and was able to relate to what Jennie was describing. I feared up frequently during this book and am so grateful she wrote it... I read this on my Kindle and plan to purchase to read again and again. I will be sharing this book with other foster/adoptive parents as well.
September 2, 2020
Thinking of what to write as a review and there are no words to do it justice. It speaks of strength, patience, persistence, and commitment to fostering and adopting children experiencing severe trauma. It's not a story of an angelic figure, but if real life people who make mistakes and struggle like everyone else. It's a story of listening to God's voice and acting in it. It's also a warning to those giving so much that self care is a necessity if you are going to survive in the trenches of trauma.
July 12, 2024
Astounding
This book should be read by foster parents who foster kids with trauma AND all social workers. it would probably be too daunting for beginners.
May God eternally bless all who work with these children and love them with all their might.
There must be more we can do as a society to support these HEROS, whether it be financial, time invested or even just by educating ourselves about the special needs of these children.
This book should be read by foster parents who foster kids with trauma AND all social workers. it would probably be too daunting for beginners.
May God eternally bless all who work with these children and love them with all their might.
There must be more we can do as a society to support these HEROS, whether it be financial, time invested or even just by educating ourselves about the special needs of these children.
March 5, 2022
Beautifully written and timeless
An amazing experience of adoptive parents who persevered, by faith, to love their children anyway, despite their hurt and frustration, no matter what the children did. Through accounts of heartache, lessons learned and relearned, and triumphs slow to unfold, this book very poignantly demonstrates God's patient and enduring love for us.
An amazing experience of adoptive parents who persevered, by faith, to love their children anyway, despite their hurt and frustration, no matter what the children did. Through accounts of heartache, lessons learned and relearned, and triumphs slow to unfold, this book very poignantly demonstrates God's patient and enduring love for us.
December 24, 2025
This book is so disturbing to me - that so many people are using this as a foundational book to fostering/adopting. It is dripping with savior complex. Throughout the entire book they were “patient as saints” etc etc and the children were ruthless ‘burdens’ essentially. Selfish and self aggrandizing, read something else, I beg.
January 19, 2021
Beautifully broken, wonderfully wounded
Thank you for your rounded expression of experiences and deep honest vulnerability. I will treasure this in my heart as I navigate my really as an adoptive mama of wounded children.
Thank you for your rounded expression of experiences and deep honest vulnerability. I will treasure this in my heart as I navigate my really as an adoptive mama of wounded children.
March 22, 2021
This book was very eye opening for me. I've known foster and adoptive families for years, but reading Jennie's experiences with so much transparency and candor helped me appreciate and understand better what foster parents and adoptive parents face.
May 28, 2022
She helped me see I’m not going crazy, that I’m not the only one living this absolutely craziness of adoption. I wish I could talk to her to find out if everything turns out ok? If she ever gets herself back after being emptied out for so long. I’m so scared I won’t ever see myself again!
July 17, 2022
essential for foster families
Absolutely brilliant. All foster families should have to read this book. I think I highlighted more in this book than I did through my college career.
Absolutely brilliant. All foster families should have to read this book. I think I highlighted more in this book than I did through my college career.
March 29, 2021
Wonderful real life story. The title masterfully describes everyday life with my adopted children.
August 12, 2021
The message is important, but this book really could have used some editing.
September 21, 2021
I found this to be an incredible insight into the world of foster care and adoption of wounded children.
March 8, 2022
S1V2L2
November 12, 2022
A Must Read!!!
Highly recommend for adoptive parents of children with trauma. I could have written this book from my own experiences! It validated much of what we've gone through.
Highly recommend for adoptive parents of children with trauma. I could have written this book from my own experiences! It validated much of what we've gone through.
February 24, 2024
Nice book for adoptive parents who are in the struggle of parenting their children. It does have religious undertones. So folks should be aware of that aspect.
November 18, 2021
awesome book
This book is very real, about our children, that have lived with trauma. I wish I had been trained as a foster/adopt parent, to understand this and that the agency would give you all the resources we would need.
This book is very real, about our children, that have lived with trauma. I wish I had been trained as a foster/adopt parent, to understand this and that the agency would give you all the resources we would need.
February 14, 2020
This book was honest, raw and super helpful. I feel like the author shared so much of herself and her family with the reader.
September 23, 2022
Updated review- the more I’ve thought about this book, the more uncomfortable I feel with the amount of information the author shares about her adoptive children. While the book resonated with me as an adoptive parent on many levels and put into words how I sometimes feel, I hesitate to recommend it because I can’t help but think of how her children feel about their stories being told so publicly.
November 3, 2019
I have very mixed feelings about this book. It's written by an adoptive mother who, in telling her story, reveals the very raw, honest hardships and challenges of raising kids with trauma histories. There were times I felt validated reading about her hurt feelings, her frustrations, her worn down patience and feeling like she has no idea what she's doing. There were other times, however, when I cringed with guilt for feeling validated. She does not hold back in painting a picture of her kids that makes the reader wonder whether or not she even likes them, let alone why she chose to adopt in the first place (God called her, surprise, surprise). These kids did not choose their trauma histories, nor did they choose to be adopted by complete strangers. She states in the introduction that her kids, now adults, approved her writing this book as openly and honestly as she did. But I would need to read their own books to believe it.
December 20, 2019
Out of all the books I have read so far on raising children adopted out of fostercare, this book has resonated with me the most. It's like when I read this book, I felt like I found a friend. A comrade in this ongoing struggle to help our children who were abused and neglected at a young age, heal. It just isn't always pretty and yet, Facebook and Instagram feeds are laced with all the beauty surrounding kids in fostercare. Even I can be deceived into thinking "I'm the only one" who is having a hard time with this. And yet, I am not. We are a whole community of people who have chosen to love the wounded kids and parents and come alongside them to try to help them on their journey to a relatively happy life. It is hard. It is worth it. But it is hard. Here, Jennie tells it like it is and somehow, this book filled with her family's story gives others the strength to keep going; keep loving, and never give up. Thank you, Jennie Owens. Because this journey can be a long and lonely one.
December 26, 2019
This is a powerful book. As a school administrator, I wanted to learn more about the stresses on my families who had adopted traumatized children. It was difficult to keep reading because we want to believe that adopting children is supposed to be rewarding, and that loving, dedicated people with hearts of gold who chose these children experience lives of love and peace. Instead this very honest woman writes of the stress this choice put on their marriage, their faith, their friendships, and their sanity.
While it was frustrating to read, it gave me new insights into the lives of the adopted parents in my school. I had NO IDEA.
While it was frustrating to read, it gave me new insights into the lives of the adopted parents in my school. I had NO IDEA.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews