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Parenting Right From the Start: Laying a Healthy Foundation in the Baby and Toddler Years
In this book, her follow-up to the best seller Discipline Without Damage , Dr. Lapointe advises new parents how to put their child on a path to optimal development during the crucial early years. The baby and toddler years are the most important period for any child's emotional and psychological development. Parents naturally want to do what's best for their kids, but they often struggle to know what that is, especially when dealing with the big "battlegrounds" of sleep, feeding, and managing aggression. The latest scientific research indicates that it is through a strong and stable sense of connection to their parents that children learn how to regulate their emotions, master social skills, and develop a sense of identity. Unfortunately, many of the currently accepted parenting practices and traditional attitudes disrupt healthy connection rather than foster it, leading to behavioral issues and emotional problems that can last into adulthood. Dr. Lapointe helps parents to understand how mindful and conscious parenting can help them to avoid passing unhealthy patterns down from one generation to the next. Rooted in compassion and understanding, Parenting Right from the Start shows parents how to build a firm, caring presence in the early years that a child can lean into for a lifetime.
272 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 8, 2019
62 people are currently reading
557 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
October 28, 2020
This book was disappointing. I found myself agreeing with the author's basic thesis: that young children need connection with their caregiver(s) more than anything else, and therefore all parenting should be centered around building that attachment.
The problems were (1) the condescending tone of the book and (2) some of the absurd, specific suggestions, drawn only from the author's ideological stance and only sometimes grounded in research. The title, which I thought was a play on words, really does mean that there is a "right" way to parent. She claims that the only reason parental sleep deprivation matters is if you have told yourself a story about needing to sleep to be an effective parent. (I'm simplifying, but that's essentially how it read to me.) She cites a lot of New Age-y, questionable sources in the area of generational family trauma in particular.
This is more of a minor pet peeve, but she used the word "swagger" constantly to refer to a sense of internal self-confidence a parent should bring to their relationship with the child. But the problem is, swagger doesn't mean self-confidence. It means feigned pseudo-self-confidence that covers up a deeper inner sense of insecurity. I'm not sure if she intended to suggest that parents fake it till they make it, or if she's just trying to use a word with a nonstandard meaning. Either way I have concerns.
On the whole, I found myself increasingly irritated so that even though the majority of the book would have probably been helpful to me and in line with my parenting style, I didn't trust her. She has a good section on the current boom of parenting literature and how it hurts parents' confidence in their own choices. Good point. Don't trust this book.
The problems were (1) the condescending tone of the book and (2) some of the absurd, specific suggestions, drawn only from the author's ideological stance and only sometimes grounded in research. The title, which I thought was a play on words, really does mean that there is a "right" way to parent. She claims that the only reason parental sleep deprivation matters is if you have told yourself a story about needing to sleep to be an effective parent. (I'm simplifying, but that's essentially how it read to me.) She cites a lot of New Age-y, questionable sources in the area of generational family trauma in particular.
This is more of a minor pet peeve, but she used the word "swagger" constantly to refer to a sense of internal self-confidence a parent should bring to their relationship with the child. But the problem is, swagger doesn't mean self-confidence. It means feigned pseudo-self-confidence that covers up a deeper inner sense of insecurity. I'm not sure if she intended to suggest that parents fake it till they make it, or if she's just trying to use a word with a nonstandard meaning. Either way I have concerns.
On the whole, I found myself increasingly irritated so that even though the majority of the book would have probably been helpful to me and in line with my parenting style, I didn't trust her. She has a good section on the current boom of parenting literature and how it hurts parents' confidence in their own choices. Good point. Don't trust this book.
February 11, 2021
I might have given Parenting Right from the Start a higher rating had this been one of the first parenting books I'd read. It provides sensible advice:
- If you want to parent well, you've got to do the self work, figure out how your childhood experiences have shaped how you process experiences, the stories you tell yourself and your triggers.
- It's not about being the perfect parent. It's about being a "good enough parent" who connects with your child "well enough so that [your] child can receive what is needed, even if it wasn't perfectly delivered all the time"
- Attachment between parent and child is key (read Neufeld on this)
- Reframing is key as a parent: Lapointe exhorts parents to "celebrate struggle". For instance, instead of seeing your child's tantrums as a challenge, think about how these are part of normal healthy development; indeed, if your child acts up when you pick them up or return home, this is a sign of their attachment to you; instead of thinking about how to train your child to suit your routines and needs (e.g. sleep training), think about how you can adjust the things within your control that may be affecting their sleep
- the 90 second rule: when you respond to something in the environment, your body is flooded with chemicals for about 90 seconds. Any lingering emotional response after that is your choice to remain in that loop. So keep yourself in check for those 90 seconds and be intentional about how you choose to respond after that.
But honestly, having read Adele Faber (How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk; Siblings Without Rivalry) and her daughter Joanna Faber, Daniel J Siegel (The Whole Brain Child), Gordon Neufeld (Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers) and Janet Lansbury, this book was rather....meh. It wasn't just that the book covered familiar ground (lest one be tempted to use this book as a summary of the other 5 books). I found Lapointe's writing style less engaging than the others and was constantly tempted to skim instead of doing a more attentive reading of the text.
Perhaps it didn't help that early on in the book, I felt that Lapointe was overreaching a little when she wrote about how during her divorce, she became consumed with the idea of "losing" her children. She muses that perhaps she "felt angst over potentially losing [her] children because the loss of [her] family system [was] encoded her in DNA." She cites Mark Wolynn's book It Didn't Start with You, were he argues that traumatic experiences can become encoded in one's genetic material and passed to subsequent generations. Lapointe concludes she inherited traumatic experiences in her family's history - her great grandmother being separated from her Indigenous tribe when she married a European settler who came to Canada, her children being farmed out to relatives and orphanages after she suffered multiple mental breakdowns and was sent to an asylum - through her DNA. I confess I did not read the source material for Lapointe's assertions to assess their scientific merit, but it did sound like Lapointe was grasping at circumstantial evidence in a relatively new field (epigenetics) to make sense of and validate her own experience.
Bottom line: Lapointe makes reference to Siegel and Neufeld and an example that I'm pretty sure is drawn from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk - go read those books instead.
- If you want to parent well, you've got to do the self work, figure out how your childhood experiences have shaped how you process experiences, the stories you tell yourself and your triggers.
- It's not about being the perfect parent. It's about being a "good enough parent" who connects with your child "well enough so that [your] child can receive what is needed, even if it wasn't perfectly delivered all the time"
- Attachment between parent and child is key (read Neufeld on this)
- Reframing is key as a parent: Lapointe exhorts parents to "celebrate struggle". For instance, instead of seeing your child's tantrums as a challenge, think about how these are part of normal healthy development; indeed, if your child acts up when you pick them up or return home, this is a sign of their attachment to you; instead of thinking about how to train your child to suit your routines and needs (e.g. sleep training), think about how you can adjust the things within your control that may be affecting their sleep
- the 90 second rule: when you respond to something in the environment, your body is flooded with chemicals for about 90 seconds. Any lingering emotional response after that is your choice to remain in that loop. So keep yourself in check for those 90 seconds and be intentional about how you choose to respond after that.
But honestly, having read Adele Faber (How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk; Siblings Without Rivalry) and her daughter Joanna Faber, Daniel J Siegel (The Whole Brain Child), Gordon Neufeld (Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers) and Janet Lansbury, this book was rather....meh. It wasn't just that the book covered familiar ground (lest one be tempted to use this book as a summary of the other 5 books). I found Lapointe's writing style less engaging than the others and was constantly tempted to skim instead of doing a more attentive reading of the text.
Perhaps it didn't help that early on in the book, I felt that Lapointe was overreaching a little when she wrote about how during her divorce, she became consumed with the idea of "losing" her children. She muses that perhaps she "felt angst over potentially losing [her] children because the loss of [her] family system [was] encoded her in DNA." She cites Mark Wolynn's book It Didn't Start with You, were he argues that traumatic experiences can become encoded in one's genetic material and passed to subsequent generations. Lapointe concludes she inherited traumatic experiences in her family's history - her great grandmother being separated from her Indigenous tribe when she married a European settler who came to Canada, her children being farmed out to relatives and orphanages after she suffered multiple mental breakdowns and was sent to an asylum - through her DNA. I confess I did not read the source material for Lapointe's assertions to assess their scientific merit, but it did sound like Lapointe was grasping at circumstantial evidence in a relatively new field (epigenetics) to make sense of and validate her own experience.
Bottom line: Lapointe makes reference to Siegel and Neufeld and an example that I'm pretty sure is drawn from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk - go read those books instead.
March 23, 2024
I was really enjoying this on Audiobook until I realized it was triggering me more than it was helping at this time. I thought it was going to teach me about developmental stages and gentle parenting techniques to apply to my 10 month old. Instead, it taught me a lot about myself, my parents' methods and mindets, and the cycles I'm breaking.
August 14, 2023
This was my first parenting book and I really enjoyed it! In my opinion, it provides great insight into how to approach parenting a baby. I would have liked more practical tips that parents can apply in their day to day lives.
January 24, 2022
Although not as good as her first book, Damage Without Discipline, it provided great information on the connection relationship, especially with babies. However, here are my disappointments: 1. She never mentions the struggles of colic and how to still maintain connection as an absolutely exhausted, frazzled parent trying to keep it together. 2. For the sibling chapter, she doesn't mention anything about twins or babies close in age (mine are exactly 10 months apart), but instead only mentions an older sibling, and only *one* older sibling at that. It would have been helpful to look at multiple older siblings or multiple babies. 3. She talks very negatively about her ex husband, the father of her boys, whom she praises in her first book. It was super offputting and completely unnecessary. No need to drag your relationship problems into a parenting book for other people.
July 7, 2021
3 stars | Okay, so maybe I've read too many parenting books recently, but this one really fell flat for me. There were a few good tips in here, nothing really unique, and very few practical examples. Most of it was broad strokes about following your instincts, which is fair enough, but also not really helpful? Also, why oh whyyyy was the word swagger used SO often? And as a serious word? Even the Google definition defines this word as with arrogance or aggression. Could we use confidence? Security in decisions? Self-assurance?
Another thing that threw me off was the author's insistence that parents never apologize to their children because children should not bear the weight of the parent's forgiveness. Is that really what we're teaching about apology? How about humility and permission to make mistakes? Any who, all in all, this was an okay book - not one that I'd read again or recommend to others.
Another thing that threw me off was the author's insistence that parents never apologize to their children because children should not bear the weight of the parent's forgiveness. Is that really what we're teaching about apology? How about humility and permission to make mistakes? Any who, all in all, this was an okay book - not one that I'd read again or recommend to others.
March 4, 2024
Focus on attachment parenting which is a good reminder for me. Definitely thought-provoking and reminds me to allow for normal stages of development when I’m overwhelmed by aggression, tantrums, etc. I do like her emphasis on what we’re bringing into the situation with our past junk, although saying we have responses based on ancestral experiences made me roll my eyes. But it threw me when she said emphatically to never apologize to a child ever. I’ve never heard that before and I understand what she means…but I don’t agree. You can maintain leadership and still apologize. I’m excited to read more parenting books.
March 2, 2024
I have read many parenting books, some neuroscience-based, some more experience-based, but I can honestly affirm that this book is one of the best mainly because by reading it, one starts to find his/her voice as a parent and this is what Dr Vanessa is aiming to do. It's not a tips-and-tricks book where you get a recipe on how to handle your kid(s), but rather it's a vision/principle book on which you can build your parenting style based on science facts. It also empowers you to trust yourself, your intuition on how to parent and gives you this amazing tool to separate your emotions( coming from past experience) from your child's emotions so that you can act on their best interest (which is also your own). I have been parenting these 3 years from the questions "Am I doing right?" and "What is normal child's development and what's not?", born our of my insecurities and fears, but I feel that after reading this book, my power and my intuition are now in charge of my parenting, which is a more conscious one.
I highly recommend this book
I highly recommend this book
November 3, 2019
I’ve been sitting here for over 20 minutes trying to come up with how I want to introduce this book to you. I’m honestly at a loss. This book is INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! There’s really no other way to describe it. I mean, I love to write, and come up with nifty ways to get you interested in what I’m saying – but this book, this book is simply amazing. I started recommending it to friends/family before I even finished it! Also, really, what better review can you give to anything out there, if it’s not the recommendation to go out and buy whatever the product is that you’re referring to?!
This book broaches a wide range of topics from parenting in general, discipline, potty training (TERRIFYING, I KNOW!), divorce, prior trauma, family genetics, diversity and more! I found myself smiling after about 3 minutes of reading. I was fortunate enough to receive the unedited version of this book before it was even officially published, and I’m so very glad that Angela (an Independent Book publicist – visit her site at angelamelamud.com!) thought of me and asked if I’d like to review it!
Dr. Vanessa LaPointe, a published author and well known psychologist ventures into some pretty deep territory and breaks down normal and not-so normal behaviour that you may or may not even realize your child is doing! Is the acting out that your child does on a regular basis normal? More than likely. Are there tips/tricks for you to follow and try to establish as routine in your life to make the raising of your children easier? DEFINITELY! This book has it all. I was so very excited when I finished it up – I was bragging about it to my mother-in-law last night while face-timing with my kiddos who happened to be with her for the evening.
My kids mean the absolute world to me, as I’m sure your kids mean to you as well. Each of us, as parents, want to do the best for their kids, no matter the situation. At least, that’s what I hope we all want! I find myself struggling a lot with the normal questions: Was I too hard on Declan? Should I have taken that toy away? Do we have to keep Tristan in his own room? *Insert your own kiddos names in those questions and you’ve probably asked yourself similar questions before*
Not only does Dr. Vanessa go into child-rearing….but she addresses the inevitable way that we all were raised growing up in the era of spanking, wooden spoons, belts, or worse! This cycle just keeps going around and around because you end up turning into your parents at some point in time, and that generally means you parent the way you were parented. What I absolutely LOVED about this book was how she attempts to break your own past down for you and help you to figure out why you react the way that you react. For example, when my child starts throwing one of MANY temper tantrums when we’re out grocery shopping, I’m simultaneously ticked off immensely and super embarrassed! So she had me questioning….why. Why am I so irritated and embarrassed by my kiddos behaviour!? It takes a lot of self-reflection…. But I can guarantee you it’s because I felt shamed as a kid when my mom and/or dad would get mad at ME for acting out while out/about. So I’m trying to get my child to get in line, just like my parents did with me. The cycle has to end somewhere, may as well try to start with me and mine.
I have to say – the way I was raised doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Yes, I got in trouble; I was grounded a lot (and my parents took away my BOOKS as that scared me 10x more than anything else LOL); I had toys taken away (and given back later); I was spanked (OMG, SHOCKER!?!?! Hold your horses, spanking was 100% legal and normal when I was being raised!) – And I’ve come out the other end a strong, well-balanced, mostly happy individual. My mom is my best friend and confidante; my dad is my outspoken best friend with un-wavering opinions. I love them more than a lot of people out there and I wouldn’t be who I am today without their guidance and support growing up – and still NOW!
I’m super passionate about how I want my kids raised and what I want them to see, hear, be around, etc. I think it’s natural as parents that we all are. But it makes us even better parents by giving children their individuality and recognizing it for what it is – their heart and soul. Their true selves. In reading this book I realized that so far, my hubby and I seem to be heading down a mostly correct path with our boys and we definitely have two very different types of children. It’s incredible and humbling to see their similarities and differences and how they bounce ideas off of each other (and us) and everything around them. Children, at their base, want to be loved and supported. So, I’m going to do my best to do just that, love and support them, and try to minimize any damage I’m inevitable going to cause – as we all mess up sometimes!
But, at least I have this nifty book to help me out when I’m feeling frustrated! In the meantime, if you’re feeling interested, go check out this lovely lady as well – as she put heart and soul into this book at https://drvanessalapointe.com/. I don’t know about you, but I’d love to meet her someday. PS – I’m going out and buying her OTHER published book, ‘Discipline without Damage’ on Friday as soon as I get paid! Thanks for visiting and let me know your thoughts!!
Love ya,
Kelly Ann
This book broaches a wide range of topics from parenting in general, discipline, potty training (TERRIFYING, I KNOW!), divorce, prior trauma, family genetics, diversity and more! I found myself smiling after about 3 minutes of reading. I was fortunate enough to receive the unedited version of this book before it was even officially published, and I’m so very glad that Angela (an Independent Book publicist – visit her site at angelamelamud.com!) thought of me and asked if I’d like to review it!
Dr. Vanessa LaPointe, a published author and well known psychologist ventures into some pretty deep territory and breaks down normal and not-so normal behaviour that you may or may not even realize your child is doing! Is the acting out that your child does on a regular basis normal? More than likely. Are there tips/tricks for you to follow and try to establish as routine in your life to make the raising of your children easier? DEFINITELY! This book has it all. I was so very excited when I finished it up – I was bragging about it to my mother-in-law last night while face-timing with my kiddos who happened to be with her for the evening.
My kids mean the absolute world to me, as I’m sure your kids mean to you as well. Each of us, as parents, want to do the best for their kids, no matter the situation. At least, that’s what I hope we all want! I find myself struggling a lot with the normal questions: Was I too hard on Declan? Should I have taken that toy away? Do we have to keep Tristan in his own room? *Insert your own kiddos names in those questions and you’ve probably asked yourself similar questions before*
Not only does Dr. Vanessa go into child-rearing….but she addresses the inevitable way that we all were raised growing up in the era of spanking, wooden spoons, belts, or worse! This cycle just keeps going around and around because you end up turning into your parents at some point in time, and that generally means you parent the way you were parented. What I absolutely LOVED about this book was how she attempts to break your own past down for you and help you to figure out why you react the way that you react. For example, when my child starts throwing one of MANY temper tantrums when we’re out grocery shopping, I’m simultaneously ticked off immensely and super embarrassed! So she had me questioning….why. Why am I so irritated and embarrassed by my kiddos behaviour!? It takes a lot of self-reflection…. But I can guarantee you it’s because I felt shamed as a kid when my mom and/or dad would get mad at ME for acting out while out/about. So I’m trying to get my child to get in line, just like my parents did with me. The cycle has to end somewhere, may as well try to start with me and mine.
I have to say – the way I was raised doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Yes, I got in trouble; I was grounded a lot (and my parents took away my BOOKS as that scared me 10x more than anything else LOL); I had toys taken away (and given back later); I was spanked (OMG, SHOCKER!?!?! Hold your horses, spanking was 100% legal and normal when I was being raised!) – And I’ve come out the other end a strong, well-balanced, mostly happy individual. My mom is my best friend and confidante; my dad is my outspoken best friend with un-wavering opinions. I love them more than a lot of people out there and I wouldn’t be who I am today without their guidance and support growing up – and still NOW!
I’m super passionate about how I want my kids raised and what I want them to see, hear, be around, etc. I think it’s natural as parents that we all are. But it makes us even better parents by giving children their individuality and recognizing it for what it is – their heart and soul. Their true selves. In reading this book I realized that so far, my hubby and I seem to be heading down a mostly correct path with our boys and we definitely have two very different types of children. It’s incredible and humbling to see their similarities and differences and how they bounce ideas off of each other (and us) and everything around them. Children, at their base, want to be loved and supported. So, I’m going to do my best to do just that, love and support them, and try to minimize any damage I’m inevitable going to cause – as we all mess up sometimes!
But, at least I have this nifty book to help me out when I’m feeling frustrated! In the meantime, if you’re feeling interested, go check out this lovely lady as well – as she put heart and soul into this book at https://drvanessalapointe.com/. I don’t know about you, but I’d love to meet her someday. PS – I’m going out and buying her OTHER published book, ‘Discipline without Damage’ on Friday as soon as I get paid! Thanks for visiting and let me know your thoughts!!
Love ya,
Kelly Ann
September 12, 2020
A really compelling and straight forward guide. A little bit new-agy for me at some point, it does however mesh well with my overall thoughts and goals of parenting. I can see it not blending with some trains of thought on parenting and really turning some people off, but even in those scenarios I think you'd be able to pull some good hints and tricks from this book.
March 3, 2022
Wish someone put this in my hands a couple years ago. I would also recommend other books such as positive discipline and “positive discipline parenting tools” for more examples and more practical tools to go along with it.
January 3, 2023
This book reads like a summary of child development research wrapped up in entertaining prose. Too much of the content was based on cherry-picked anecdotes for me to take the content too seriously, but nevertheless, I enjoyed the book for its inspirational vignettes.
May 18, 2023
The author brought up a lot of parenting pointers that I had never realised previously and changed my view of parenting. I think this book is and will be a great help to expecting couples and parents of little ones.
April 4, 2020
Very much aligns with my personal parenting philosophy so I LOVED this book! The way everything was explained and broken down make sense.
There is an approachable and relatable way of explaining things. The book doesn’t aim for perfection which will just add more stress and pressure to today’s parents.
Easy to read, I couldn’t put it down!
There is an approachable and relatable way of explaining things. The book doesn’t aim for perfection which will just add more stress and pressure to today’s parents.
Easy to read, I couldn’t put it down!
Read
November 6, 2025DNF. Could not take anymore about swagger :/
November 15, 2019
3.5. I learned a lot reading this book. A lot. Found it super helpful and reassuring. Part 1 is much stronger with the science and info then Part 2 with the practical application. A lot of the practical application is pretty repetitive. As far as books of this type go it’s well written and interesting. There were a few odd instances for practice, all that support her theory on parenting so I can’t critique but there was one instance when she quite obviously contradicted herself (toddlers not having to say sorry followed by you not saying sorry ever ever) where it doesn’t stay in line with what she’s talking about or practicing. Had it not been for that this could’ve been a 4 star instead 3.5. Small thing on the whole but big enough that it’s something I’ll remember the book by
October 26, 2019
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe has written a wise and intuitive book that takes gets at the magic of parenting. Dr. Vanessa sees and celebrates the transformative elements of parenting: the fact that parenting is a life-changing experience for parents as well as kids. The fact of the matter is that none of us are ever truly done learning and growing — and now we have the opportunity to learn and grow alongside our kids.
(Reviewed from pre-publication galleys.)
(Reviewed from pre-publication galleys.)
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews