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O Fenômeno Gaslighting: Saiba como funciona a estratégia de pessoas manipuladoras para distorcer a verdade e manter você sob controle
O termo gaslighting começou a ser utilizado para descrever fenômenos psicológicos que envolvessem manipulação de pessoas em meados da década de 1960. Esse fenômeno, que se sustenta por meio de mentiras e manipulações, tem o objetivo de alterar a percepção de realidade das vítimas, levando-as a questionarem suas memórias e até a própria sanidade. A Dra. Stephanie Sarkis, terapeuta especialista no assunto, apresenta as variadas facetas desse fenômeno, descrevendo o comportamento gaslighting em todos os cenários da vida, além da forma de reconhecer esses exímios manipuladores. Seja um cônjuge, namorado, pai, colega de trabalho ou amigo, os gaslighters distorcem a verdade mentindo, escondendo informações, colocando os outros contra você. O Fenômeno Gaslighting é um livro que coloca o tema em destaque, não apenas ajudando na identificação de vítimas de um gaslighter, como também apresentando ferramentas para que as pessoas possam se libertar dessa situação e seguir em frente sem traumas.
306 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 1, 2018
492 people are currently reading
2259 people want to read
About the author
Stephanie Sarkis
14 books40 followersAuthor of 10 Simple Solutions to Adult ADD: How to Overcome Chronic Distraction and Accomplish Your Goals, Natural Relief for Adult ADHD: Complementary Strategies for Increasing Focus, Attention, and Motivation With or Without Medication, Adult ADD: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed, Making the Grade with ADD: A Student's Guide to Succeeding in College with Attention Deficit Disorder, ADD and Your Money: A Guide to Personal Finance for Adults with Attention-Deficit Disorder.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 163 reviews
December 14, 2019
This is a book about manipulative behaviour, how to spot it and then deal with it. The author calls it "gaslighting," a term that describes behavior designed to manipulate us and which makes us question our own sanity. She then mentions that people diagnosed with cluster B personality disorders are more likely to use gaslighting in personal interactions.
This could have been a good book, but it just didn't work for me. For starters, there are so many generalizations in this book. The person she most correctly describes is someone who is diagnosed with narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder. But those are not the terms she uses. Instead we are given "gaslighter," which by the way is not a scientific term. I kept wondering why it was so important to the writer to turn the verb, the action of gaslighting, manipulating, into a noun. The Gaslighter. Then there are the endless lists of what the gaslighter is, and how he will likely behave. A lot of the stuff on the lists is true, it's just that she is so...certain that one size fits all. Quoting research from a Psychology Today article didn't really make me feel much better. The book felt quickly thrown together (large junks are written in bullet point lists,) and the self-help portion is very generic. There are better books on this subject out there.
This could have been a good book, but it just didn't work for me. For starters, there are so many generalizations in this book. The person she most correctly describes is someone who is diagnosed with narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder. But those are not the terms she uses. Instead we are given "gaslighter," which by the way is not a scientific term. I kept wondering why it was so important to the writer to turn the verb, the action of gaslighting, manipulating, into a noun. The Gaslighter. Then there are the endless lists of what the gaslighter is, and how he will likely behave. A lot of the stuff on the lists is true, it's just that she is so...certain that one size fits all. Quoting research from a Psychology Today article didn't really make me feel much better. The book felt quickly thrown together (large junks are written in bullet point lists,) and the self-help portion is very generic. There are better books on this subject out there.
July 24, 2020
I gave this a five because of how much information is in this book, but in a nice simple explanation.
I truly believe everyone should read this book. Knowledge is power. Our school system has let us down so much in learning about relationships , which is something that EVERYONE mostly has in their lifetime.
It truly baffles me that so many people I have met have never even heard of the term, and I’m glad we finally have a scientific term for these behaviours.
I believe that if people read this book, they would have a much lower chance of getting into abusive, gaslighting relationships as they have been made aware of the red flags. Having knowledge of these types of things is so important, even if you don’t ever use it, you are still aware, which is just as important. Sure it may not save everyone from simply reading a book, but I bet it would help a LOT of people.
I also liked that she did not only talk about romantic relationships with gaslighting, but all forms of gaslighting you can find in everyday life and I found it very helpful.
Sure, there may be some people who use this knowledge and accuse everyone of gaslighting, but again that would be rare, as a rational person would understand, as is says in the book, if these red flags are adding up, that’s when you have a gaslighter, not if someone has a small occurrence.
This book also had a lot of support links so you could get help with many of the issues talked about in this book.
I recommend for people to put this book on their tbr list.
I truly believe everyone should read this book. Knowledge is power. Our school system has let us down so much in learning about relationships , which is something that EVERYONE mostly has in their lifetime.
It truly baffles me that so many people I have met have never even heard of the term, and I’m glad we finally have a scientific term for these behaviours.
I believe that if people read this book, they would have a much lower chance of getting into abusive, gaslighting relationships as they have been made aware of the red flags. Having knowledge of these types of things is so important, even if you don’t ever use it, you are still aware, which is just as important. Sure it may not save everyone from simply reading a book, but I bet it would help a LOT of people.
I also liked that she did not only talk about romantic relationships with gaslighting, but all forms of gaslighting you can find in everyday life and I found it very helpful.
Sure, there may be some people who use this knowledge and accuse everyone of gaslighting, but again that would be rare, as a rational person would understand, as is says in the book, if these red flags are adding up, that’s when you have a gaslighter, not if someone has a small occurrence.
This book also had a lot of support links so you could get help with many of the issues talked about in this book.
I recommend for people to put this book on their tbr list.
February 14, 2019
This is an informative book detailing what gaslighting is, and how it can happen in various areas of your life--including ways that you perhaps didn't recognize as gaslighting.
If you've ever had the misfortune of dealing with this sort of toxic behavior, I think you'll find this book to be helpful in learning how to cope and heal from it.
If you've ever had the misfortune of dealing with this sort of toxic behavior, I think you'll find this book to be helpful in learning how to cope and heal from it.
June 17, 2019
This is a poorly written and edited book. Instead of a well thought out and organized exploration of truly distinct behaviors across different types of people, this book is narrowly targeted to victims of extreme gaslighting, and concludes each (exhaustingly repetitive chapter / example) with overly simplistic recommendations like 'document things' and 'just get out of your toxic situation'. My opinion is that the author is truly passionate about her work and tried summarize advice that works well in individual therapy sessions to create this book. That approach, however, failed to make something cohesive and broadly applicable.
March 15, 2025
Very informative, learned a lot. Didn't need to hear the word gaslighter in eber single sentence
Read
October 13, 2019"Gaslighters will convince us that we are crazy, that we are abusive, that we are a huge bundle of problems and no one else will want us, that we are terrible employees who haven’t been fired yet just by the grace of God, that we are terrible parents who shouldn’t have had children, that we have no idea how to manage our own life, or that we are a burden to others. They are toxic,” according to Dr. Sarkis, a licensed mental health counselor.
Does this sound familiar? If so, this book is for you. Gaslighting is a kind of psychological manipulation. It’s hard to define and not always easy to spot. Dr. Sarkis provides useful descriptions of gaslighting behaviors, as well as advice for helping yourself in any kind of relationship with a gaslighter. She also addresses facing gaslighting behaviors you may discover in yourself.
If a gaslighter in your life has you feeling a little crazy and doubting yourself, this book can help you help yourself with practical, useful information and lots of resources. I found it so helpful! -Kathy G.
Does this sound familiar? If so, this book is for you. Gaslighting is a kind of psychological manipulation. It’s hard to define and not always easy to spot. Dr. Sarkis provides useful descriptions of gaslighting behaviors, as well as advice for helping yourself in any kind of relationship with a gaslighter. She also addresses facing gaslighting behaviors you may discover in yourself.
If a gaslighter in your life has you feeling a little crazy and doubting yourself, this book can help you help yourself with practical, useful information and lots of resources. I found it so helpful! -Kathy G.
April 20, 2022
I enjoyed this book. Written by a therapist of ADHD clients, she explored why particular people are 'targeted' by gaslighters. But she also spent time exploring the relationship between gaslighting and sexual harassment and sexual assault.
There is a strong section on workplace gaslighting. But further, the notion of 'closure' is critiqued. Gaslighting permanently impacts on employees - and - indeed - people. So strategies to manage the damage that has been created are also discussed.
A strong book. Recommended.
There is a strong section on workplace gaslighting. But further, the notion of 'closure' is critiqued. Gaslighting permanently impacts on employees - and - indeed - people. So strategies to manage the damage that has been created are also discussed.
A strong book. Recommended.
March 19, 2020
This book really opened my eyes to some troubling personalities in my life.
4.7/5
4.7/5
June 11, 2022
This book is slightly repetitive
I wish the writer also include other personalities that have gaslighting behavior
But, i like how the author not only talks about gaslighting in relationships but she also talks about media, politics, and relatives.
I wish the writer also include other personalities that have gaslighting behavior
But, i like how the author not only talks about gaslighting in relationships but she also talks about media, politics, and relatives.
June 3, 2024
3 stars
Just ok. RTC
Happy Reading!!
Just ok. RTC
Happy Reading!!
February 2, 2022
The language of “gaslighters” and “the gaslighter” I found to be super unhelpful, labelling, and pathologizing. What this author is describing is a behavior - not a person. There are lots of abusive people who engage in such behaviors. Having said all that - I still recommend this book. I think Sarkis does a really good job outlining the many different contexts in which these abusive dynamics play out - how people can identify them and engage in boundaries and other direct communication to avert gaslighting behaviors.
Overall, I can see this book being a helpful resource for those who have poor boundaries and struggle to see clearly invisible and emotional abuse. I also appreciated the chapter used to help readers self-reflect to assess whether their own behaviors might be gaslighting (or abusive).
Overall, I can see this book being a helpful resource for those who have poor boundaries and struggle to see clearly invisible and emotional abuse. I also appreciated the chapter used to help readers self-reflect to assess whether their own behaviors might be gaslighting (or abusive).
April 14, 2023
Reading this book was what I needed. I've tried to ignore the truth and put this book down a couple of times, ended up battling myself, then picked up and finished it. Once the path became clear, I knew which one to take after being gaslighted for most of my life. It also showed me that this path would hurt, but the result will be worth it. The goal of this book is that "You don't have to live your life under their spell." I never understood what gaslighting was, and I searched everywhere for the meaning and examples, and the book showed me everything I needed to know. It spoke to me like a concerned, nurturing human who believes we all deserve better and are not alone.
The best part of this book is that it gives you all the resources you need, such as counseling and legal advice. I recommend this book to everyone who is the victim of manipulation, "Educating yourself is one of the most powerful steps you can take to combat gaslighters and their harassment." Readers should read slowly to allow the information to blend into their thoughts and reflect carefully. The book is quick, and it may tempt you to finish it in a few hours. It will not leave you confused and wondering. It will leave you with a complete familiarity with the guilt you felt when you should not be, and the whole time, you felt wrong, but you were wronged. Although the book may have a lot of generalization, I encourage keeping an open mind that gaslighting has many possibilities in broad circumstances. The book has a neutral space for readers to complete this book with a new sense of awareness and understanding without jumping to conclusions. I hope this book finds you as it found me because I believe it will give you the clarity you have been looking for.
The best part of this book is that it gives you all the resources you need, such as counseling and legal advice. I recommend this book to everyone who is the victim of manipulation, "Educating yourself is one of the most powerful steps you can take to combat gaslighters and their harassment." Readers should read slowly to allow the information to blend into their thoughts and reflect carefully. The book is quick, and it may tempt you to finish it in a few hours. It will not leave you confused and wondering. It will leave you with a complete familiarity with the guilt you felt when you should not be, and the whole time, you felt wrong, but you were wronged. Although the book may have a lot of generalization, I encourage keeping an open mind that gaslighting has many possibilities in broad circumstances. The book has a neutral space for readers to complete this book with a new sense of awareness and understanding without jumping to conclusions. I hope this book finds you as it found me because I believe it will give you the clarity you have been looking for.
October 2, 2022
Gaslighting is an important topic, and hopefully people continue writing about it because this book is a disappointment. One problem is that it provides little information about the main topic. While each chapter opens with a few words about gaslighting in a general context (families, work, cults, etc.), it quickly turns to bulleted lists and filler material you probably took notes about in your high school psychology class (“I” statements, the five stages of grief, etc.). Another problem is the author’s lack of interest in probing the reasons a person engages in gaslighting behavior in the first place. At one point, when pressed to explain why a person gaslights, she just passes it off as how some people are born. Even the book’s subtitle suggests that for this author being a gaslighter is a stable, unchanging identity marker (like race or sexuality), rather than a set of behaviors a person might in some circumstances engage in. If this is true, then why finish the book with a chapter with advice for people who think they have gaslighting tendencies? Final word: If you feel that you have been a victim of gaslighting, please follow the author’s advice to visit a therapist. You are unlikely to find much understanding or help between the pages of this book.
February 12, 2023
I did some skimming. Well thought out and interesting.
April 19, 2020
I wish I would have read this years ago. This is a good resource for recognizing and recovering form gaslighting. The order the chapters flows somewhat awkwardly, probably because most people only read the chapters that pertain to their own experiences instead of the book in it’s entirety. Well worth reading.
Read
March 5, 2023I decided not to finish this book as I didn’t find it particularly useful. While I think there is some validity of the concept of gaslighting, it seems more like tactic employed - in some situations consciously, in some intuitively - and this book took discussion of the concept in a direction that didn’t resonate with me. For me, it makes more sense to integrate it into a discussion where it, as a tactic, is considered in conjunction with the common characteristics of the individuals who most commonly deploy it as a tool. I don’t think people are, intrinsically, “gaslighters” or it’s necessarily useful to lump them together in that way. Rather I think that this is a behavior that is most often used by people who fall in certain broad categories and the ability/opportunity to address this concerning behavior should be discussed considering what category that individual might fall into, as I believe that can vary based on the underlying issue (personality disorders, emotional immaturity, unaddressed past trauma etc). That said, I didn’t finish it so take my opinion or leave it :)
May 2, 2022
I was disappointed with this book. The writing was made clumsy with an over-reliance on platitudes and sayings. Sarkis did not distinguish between gaslighting / gaslighters, narcissists, manipulators, and other selfish and manipulative people, and I wonder if she was just trying to reach a layman's audience with the catchy label. There was little research, depth, or insight in her description. I imagine it`s difficult to give reasonable advice when your audience is unknown and multitudinous, but even so, the overgeneralizations and vague ideas on how to recognize and cope with gaslighters were distracting and irritating. More identification and description of the gaslighter would have been helpful. She seemed to jump into the middle of these unhappy situations without much context and advise people to just leave if possible, regardless of who they were dealing with.
My own musings occasioned by this book: The sad thing is that it is often loved ones who are the worst offenders. I think this is the case because they think family is trapped, cannot escape, and must acquiesce to manipulative and hurtful behavior. It is entirely possible that gaslighting behaviors are codependent (although the victim pays a terrible price). In fact, the thoughtful reader might even recognize some characteristics of gaslighting behaviors within their own past actions. Gaslighting behaviors elude me. Why would anyone want to live like that?
Sarkis might have been more successful had she referred more often to specific examples. It would have been helpful had she described a wider range of coping behaviors. Also, the reader`s voice in this audiobook seemed whiney. The book`s one redeeming feature was its brevity.
My own musings occasioned by this book: The sad thing is that it is often loved ones who are the worst offenders. I think this is the case because they think family is trapped, cannot escape, and must acquiesce to manipulative and hurtful behavior. It is entirely possible that gaslighting behaviors are codependent (although the victim pays a terrible price). In fact, the thoughtful reader might even recognize some characteristics of gaslighting behaviors within their own past actions. Gaslighting behaviors elude me. Why would anyone want to live like that?
Sarkis might have been more successful had she referred more often to specific examples. It would have been helpful had she described a wider range of coping behaviors. Also, the reader`s voice in this audiobook seemed whiney. The book`s one redeeming feature was its brevity.
July 31, 2024
2024 Updated Score
Critical Score: 4
Personal Score: 4
Total Score: 8
Original Score
Critical Score: 4
Personal Score: 3.75
Total Score: 7.75
Critical Score: 4
Personal Score: 4
Total Score: 8
Original Score
Critical Score: 4
Personal Score: 3.75
Total Score: 7.75
Read
September 24, 2020As someone who has been impacted by gaslighters throughout my life, I think it’s so important to have educational resources like this available. Because gaslighters attack your own sense of sanity it’s natural to blame yourself for what is happening to you and to question whether it is actually happening. I have cut ties with my gaslighters but it’s still helpful to have a name for what I went through and to have something I thought was only in my head clearly defined and described on paper. This book describes gaslighting not only in romantic relationships but also in politics, cults, workplace, family and friends. I think it’s so critical to be aware that these types of people exist so that we can protect ourselves against the long term damage they are capable of and to get out of these toxic relationships.
March 16, 2021
A must read for everyone who has a toxic, lying, manipulative, controlling person in their lives. Whether it is a spouse, partner, ex, colleague, sibling, parent or neighbour, this book helps you identify their destructive behaviour, gives advice on how to deal with these people, and reassures that you are not crazy.
Even if you don't know any gaslighters, I recommend it anyway. Forewarned is forearmed! You'll learn how to spot them and steer well clear of them. You will be so grateful you had a heads up.
Also makes me appreciate the sane normal people in my life.
Even if you don't know any gaslighters, I recommend it anyway. Forewarned is forearmed! You'll learn how to spot them and steer well clear of them. You will be so grateful you had a heads up.
Also makes me appreciate the sane normal people in my life.
November 28, 2018
I owe the RBN subreddit for teaching me about gaslighters; however, I often struggle to explain the terror of living with them (and the struggle to gtfo) to "outsiders." This book is a great introduction/overview. The author doesn't shy away from suggesting cutting off toxic family, which is usually the hardest topic for people to get--but the most important! Definitely will recommend. Plus, there's a section covering gaslighting in modern politics (everyone knows who), which should interest anyone who suffers the news every day.
December 31, 2022
This was an excellent look at gaslighting. Gaslighting is manipulation that is accompanied by either personality disorders and/or addictions to alcohol, sex, drugs, eating, gambling, etc. Understanding what gaslighting is and how to deal with it is very new and very needed. As an addictions professional I really appreciated this book and will use many of the suggestions inside to deal with my patients on a day by day basis. The different support group information and ways to get even more information on addiction, gaslighting and personality disorders at the end of the book was very helpful.
March 17, 2024
Not as good as other books I've read on the subject (and I've read a few), but there are some helpful tips on self-therapy. The ending was pretty abrupt.
June 4, 2024
I was willing to endorse this title as helpful but the Trump Derangement Syndrome exhibited by the writer was overwhelming. One thing is eminently clear: President Trump lives completely rent free in her head.
Avoid this one if you have more than a single brain cell.
Avoid this one if you have more than a single brain cell.
May 31, 2021
In Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People, Psychotherapist and author Stephanie Moulton Sarkis writes about gaslighting - the manipulative technique used by sociopaths, narcissists, and others–offering practical strategies to cope and break free.
Gaslighters who were psychologically abused as children learned maladaptive coping techniques so as to cope with the cruelty inflicted upon them.
Gasslighting
Gaslighters use your own words against you; plot against you, lie to your face, deny your needs, show excessive displays of power, try to convince you of “alternative facts,” turn family and friends against you—all with the goal of watching you suffer, consolidating their power, and increasing your dependence on them.
The goal of gaslighters is to keep you off-kilter and questioning your reality. The more you rely on them for the “correct” version of reality, the more control they have over you. This power and control is what gaslighters crave.
Ego-Syntonic Personality.
When true gaslighters think they are totally fine and everyone else has a problem
True gaslighters would be the last people to seek psychological help. Which is not to say that you might not have some gaslighting traits. If you see yourself as someone with gaslighting behaviors, and you are willing to learn about getting better, you are on the right track here. One of the biggest steps toward making lasting change in your life is acknowledging that you need help.
Control
Gaslighting is essentially all about control, about gaining control over others—whether it is in the workplace, at home, or on a more global scale. You will learn how gaslighters use persuasion tactics to erode your self-esteem. Gaslighters ramp up their manipulation slowly. Once they see that you have accepted a slightly manipulated behavior, they know they’ve got you “locked in.” They will then increase their manipulation of you, betting that you will continue to stick around. Gaslighters know that once you make a commitment to accepting a behavior, you will likely be much more consistent and compliant from then on.
Tools of the Gaslighter
Triangulation is the psychological term for communicating with someone through other people. Instead of directly speaking to someone, gaslighters will go to a mutual friend, another coworker, a sibling, or another parent to get a message across.
Splitting
Gaslighters also love to pit people against each other. This is known as splitting. It gives them a sense of power and control. An example of splitting would be lying to one friend about another, saying that a mutual friend had said something unflattering about them. They get a power blast from getting people riled up and fighting with each other. The gaslighters will then watch comfortably from the sidelines, the very fight that they caused.
Unless a person says something to you directly, assume that what you are told was said about you by that person is not true.
They Habitually Lie
If gaslighters are caught with the proverbial “hand in the cookie jar,” they will look you right in the eye and tell you they did no such thing. It makes you question your sanity—Maybe I didn’t see them do that after all. This is what they want—for you to become more dependent on their version of reality. They may even push things further along by telling you that you are losing your mind. What gaslighters say is virtually meaningless; they are habitual liars. For this reason, you always want to pay attention to what gaslighters do, not what they say.
They Use “Flying Monkeys”
Gaslighters will try to send messages to you through other people—especially when you take the courageous step to cut off contact. These people are sometimes unwittingly carrying a gaslighter’s messages.
Once you have left a gaslighter, well-meaning friends and relatives may approach you and tell you they think you should give him another chance. They may even tell you that you’ve always been too sensitive or difficult. Chances are, the gaslighter contacted these people to put them up to this. The people who willingly, and sometimes unwittingly, do the gaslighter’s bidding are known as “flying monkeys.” The term comes from the winged creatures who accompanied the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. The gaslighter sends these messengers to guilt you back into the relationship.
Gaslighting Projection
A good example of gaslighting projection is when a cheater constantly accuses his spouse of cheating. Gaslighters turn reality on its head. This is definitely one to watch out for. If you find yourself blaming yourself for your partner’s poor behavior or treatment of you, please consider alternative perspectives.
Projection—they accuse someone else of being manipulative when it is really the gaslighter doing the controlling and manipulating.
Master Manipulators
Gaslighters are master manipulators and it can be hard to see reality for what it is. What often happens is that we call people on their gaslighting behavior, and they turn around and say it’s you who is the actual gaslighter. They do this to distract you from continuing the conversation about their offending behavior. Gaslighters hate being called out on their behavior—it means that you are on to them.
Love-Bombing
Gaslighters are amazingly good at keeping their pathology in check until they know you are hooked. The first time your partner blatantly lies, you think you must have misheard him; after all, the person who was showering you with love just wouldn’t do that. But he will, and he will continue to blatantly lie. Gaslighters erode your perception of reality until you feel you cannot function normally without them.
Hoovering
With gaslighting, hoovering is used to describe the way gaslighters will suck you back in if they feel you checking out.
Narcissistic Injury
Nothing causes fear in gaslighters more than the feeling of abandonment. This abandonment is what is known as a narcissistic injury. Gaslighters have an endless pit of need—a need for attention. No matter what you do, you will never be humanly capable of fulfilling gaslighters’ needs. They will always turn to something or someone else to fill that void. When they find that something or someone else to transfer their attention to, they will drop you like the proverbial hot potato. It is heartbreaking and confusing. When you first see a gaslighter’s facade crack, it can be startling to see who is really underneath.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is the disappearing act or radio silence gaslighters will treat you to when they get caught and feel that they have been “done wrong,” or just prefer to not talk about something because it’s more convenient for them that way. If you don’t live with them, you won’t see or hear from them. They will not answer texts or calls. Meanwhile, you grow more anxious the longer you don’t hear from them.
Fleas
The gaslighting behaviors you learned from your parents are called “fleas” because, as the saying goes, “If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas.” Please don’t beat up on yourself. Just because you picked up some coping techniques and manipulative techniques as a way to survive in your environment doesn’t mean you are a gaslighter yourself. But it is true that these behaviors are now maladaptive, as you no longer need them as an adult. As a kid, you may be trapped and vulnerable to having all boundaries crossed; as an adult you have license to set your own boundaries
Gaslighters rarely change, and you don’t need to subject yourself to their manipulations. You have the right to have a peaceful life. Your health and well-being come first.
REFUSE TO ARGUE WITH THE GASLIGHTER
In general, you want to avoid arguing with gaslighters. Just talk about facts and try to avoid using your emotions. I know this can be very difficult to do, but becoming emotional with gaslighters gives them the reward they’re looking for. They thrive on knowing they’ve gotten under your skin, and they’ll just jack up the manipulative behavior if they think they’re succeeding. It’s all a game with them, and you will never win an argument with a gaslighter. It’s like arguing with someone who is drunk. The best thing you can do is maintain a calm voice, even if you feel as though you are going to explode inside.
GETTING OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GASLIGHTER
If you are in a relationship with a gaslighter, you need to end it. It is an abusive relationship, and it will not improve. You need to get out. Please, please do the following, with the support of family and friends if you can:
Set up blocking rules on your e-mail. Block all her e-mail addresses.
Block calls and texts from her phone.
Block calls from her friends.
Block calls from her parents.
Unfriend and block her on social media.
Unfriend people who may report your activities and whereabouts to the gaslighter.
If possible, move to a part of town where you are less likely to run into her.
If you can’t move, avoid places you know she frequents.
Confronting Doesn’t Work
Gaslighters will never own up to their bad behavior. When you confront gaslighters in your family, they may say something like “You’re being too sensitive” or “You’ve never been able to take a joke.” And don’t be surprised if they tell other members of the family, in front of you, what just transpired. They want to embarrass you as much as possible to “get even.” Stand your ground. It takes a lot of courage to be the one to call out gaslighting behavior. Find support elsewhere, if you can, but by all means persevere.
Get Counseling on Your Own
If you’ve been married to and now divorced from a gaslighter, getting counseling for yourself is imperative. You have gone through stresses that other parents don’t typically face. This can lead to you feeling isolated, especially when your friends don’t “get it.” Your friends may not fully understand just how crazy-making your ex is, and you may not talk about it as much with them. A mental health professional can help you learn good self-care and more effective parenting strategies. Counseling is a safe place to get out your frustration and anger toward your gaslighting ex.
Developing a Healthy Communication Style
In your quest to be healthier, it’s helpful to look at how you interact and communicate with others. There are three main styles of communication: passive, aggressive, and assertive
Passive Communication:
Passive statements are usually said in a quieter voice and without much eye contact. In passive communication, what’s being conveyed is “I’m not okay, you’re okay.” You don’t state your own needs, you placate, trying to make the other person happy, while ignoring what you want. Very often, people learn to do this with a gaslighting parent so he doesn’t get out of control.
Aggressive Communication:
In aggressive communication, on the other hand, the setup is “I’m okay, you’re not okay.” You state your needs without considering the other person.Your voice is louder than usual. Aggressive communication can also take the form of smiling while saying something vicious—a skill at which gaslighters are experts.
Passive-Aggressive Communication:
In passive-aggressive speaking style, you don’t let your needs be known, but you act out toward the other person. You might say, “Sure, you can borrow my sweater,” but you then “forget” to give the other person her mail, or talk badly about her. You are denying your rights and trampling on the other person.
Assertive Communication:
In assertive communication, or “I’m okay, you’re okay,” you state your needs while also being respectful of the other person. “I’m sorry, I don’t loan out that sweater.” You are stating your needs (not giving out your sweater) in a respectful way. You are not calling the person names or using an angry tone. Assertive communication is the healthiest way to express your needs.
Gaslighters who were psychologically abused as children learned maladaptive coping techniques so as to cope with the cruelty inflicted upon them.
Gasslighting
Gaslighters use your own words against you; plot against you, lie to your face, deny your needs, show excessive displays of power, try to convince you of “alternative facts,” turn family and friends against you—all with the goal of watching you suffer, consolidating their power, and increasing your dependence on them.
The goal of gaslighters is to keep you off-kilter and questioning your reality. The more you rely on them for the “correct” version of reality, the more control they have over you. This power and control is what gaslighters crave.
Ego-Syntonic Personality.
When true gaslighters think they are totally fine and everyone else has a problem
True gaslighters would be the last people to seek psychological help. Which is not to say that you might not have some gaslighting traits. If you see yourself as someone with gaslighting behaviors, and you are willing to learn about getting better, you are on the right track here. One of the biggest steps toward making lasting change in your life is acknowledging that you need help.
Control
Gaslighting is essentially all about control, about gaining control over others—whether it is in the workplace, at home, or on a more global scale. You will learn how gaslighters use persuasion tactics to erode your self-esteem. Gaslighters ramp up their manipulation slowly. Once they see that you have accepted a slightly manipulated behavior, they know they’ve got you “locked in.” They will then increase their manipulation of you, betting that you will continue to stick around. Gaslighters know that once you make a commitment to accepting a behavior, you will likely be much more consistent and compliant from then on.
Tools of the Gaslighter
Triangulation is the psychological term for communicating with someone through other people. Instead of directly speaking to someone, gaslighters will go to a mutual friend, another coworker, a sibling, or another parent to get a message across.
Splitting
Gaslighters also love to pit people against each other. This is known as splitting. It gives them a sense of power and control. An example of splitting would be lying to one friend about another, saying that a mutual friend had said something unflattering about them. They get a power blast from getting people riled up and fighting with each other. The gaslighters will then watch comfortably from the sidelines, the very fight that they caused.
Unless a person says something to you directly, assume that what you are told was said about you by that person is not true.
They Habitually Lie
If gaslighters are caught with the proverbial “hand in the cookie jar,” they will look you right in the eye and tell you they did no such thing. It makes you question your sanity—Maybe I didn’t see them do that after all. This is what they want—for you to become more dependent on their version of reality. They may even push things further along by telling you that you are losing your mind. What gaslighters say is virtually meaningless; they are habitual liars. For this reason, you always want to pay attention to what gaslighters do, not what they say.
They Use “Flying Monkeys”
Gaslighters will try to send messages to you through other people—especially when you take the courageous step to cut off contact. These people are sometimes unwittingly carrying a gaslighter’s messages.
Once you have left a gaslighter, well-meaning friends and relatives may approach you and tell you they think you should give him another chance. They may even tell you that you’ve always been too sensitive or difficult. Chances are, the gaslighter contacted these people to put them up to this. The people who willingly, and sometimes unwittingly, do the gaslighter’s bidding are known as “flying monkeys.” The term comes from the winged creatures who accompanied the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. The gaslighter sends these messengers to guilt you back into the relationship.
Gaslighting Projection
A good example of gaslighting projection is when a cheater constantly accuses his spouse of cheating. Gaslighters turn reality on its head. This is definitely one to watch out for. If you find yourself blaming yourself for your partner’s poor behavior or treatment of you, please consider alternative perspectives.
Projection—they accuse someone else of being manipulative when it is really the gaslighter doing the controlling and manipulating.
Master Manipulators
Gaslighters are master manipulators and it can be hard to see reality for what it is. What often happens is that we call people on their gaslighting behavior, and they turn around and say it’s you who is the actual gaslighter. They do this to distract you from continuing the conversation about their offending behavior. Gaslighters hate being called out on their behavior—it means that you are on to them.
Love-Bombing
Gaslighters are amazingly good at keeping their pathology in check until they know you are hooked. The first time your partner blatantly lies, you think you must have misheard him; after all, the person who was showering you with love just wouldn’t do that. But he will, and he will continue to blatantly lie. Gaslighters erode your perception of reality until you feel you cannot function normally without them.
Hoovering
With gaslighting, hoovering is used to describe the way gaslighters will suck you back in if they feel you checking out.
Narcissistic Injury
Nothing causes fear in gaslighters more than the feeling of abandonment. This abandonment is what is known as a narcissistic injury. Gaslighters have an endless pit of need—a need for attention. No matter what you do, you will never be humanly capable of fulfilling gaslighters’ needs. They will always turn to something or someone else to fill that void. When they find that something or someone else to transfer their attention to, they will drop you like the proverbial hot potato. It is heartbreaking and confusing. When you first see a gaslighter’s facade crack, it can be startling to see who is really underneath.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is the disappearing act or radio silence gaslighters will treat you to when they get caught and feel that they have been “done wrong,” or just prefer to not talk about something because it’s more convenient for them that way. If you don’t live with them, you won’t see or hear from them. They will not answer texts or calls. Meanwhile, you grow more anxious the longer you don’t hear from them.
Fleas
The gaslighting behaviors you learned from your parents are called “fleas” because, as the saying goes, “If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas.” Please don’t beat up on yourself. Just because you picked up some coping techniques and manipulative techniques as a way to survive in your environment doesn’t mean you are a gaslighter yourself. But it is true that these behaviors are now maladaptive, as you no longer need them as an adult. As a kid, you may be trapped and vulnerable to having all boundaries crossed; as an adult you have license to set your own boundaries
Gaslighters rarely change, and you don’t need to subject yourself to their manipulations. You have the right to have a peaceful life. Your health and well-being come first.
REFUSE TO ARGUE WITH THE GASLIGHTER
In general, you want to avoid arguing with gaslighters. Just talk about facts and try to avoid using your emotions. I know this can be very difficult to do, but becoming emotional with gaslighters gives them the reward they’re looking for. They thrive on knowing they’ve gotten under your skin, and they’ll just jack up the manipulative behavior if they think they’re succeeding. It’s all a game with them, and you will never win an argument with a gaslighter. It’s like arguing with someone who is drunk. The best thing you can do is maintain a calm voice, even if you feel as though you are going to explode inside.
GETTING OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GASLIGHTER
If you are in a relationship with a gaslighter, you need to end it. It is an abusive relationship, and it will not improve. You need to get out. Please, please do the following, with the support of family and friends if you can:
Set up blocking rules on your e-mail. Block all her e-mail addresses.
Block calls and texts from her phone.
Block calls from her friends.
Block calls from her parents.
Unfriend and block her on social media.
Unfriend people who may report your activities and whereabouts to the gaslighter.
If possible, move to a part of town where you are less likely to run into her.
If you can’t move, avoid places you know she frequents.
Confronting Doesn’t Work
Gaslighters will never own up to their bad behavior. When you confront gaslighters in your family, they may say something like “You’re being too sensitive” or “You’ve never been able to take a joke.” And don’t be surprised if they tell other members of the family, in front of you, what just transpired. They want to embarrass you as much as possible to “get even.” Stand your ground. It takes a lot of courage to be the one to call out gaslighting behavior. Find support elsewhere, if you can, but by all means persevere.
Get Counseling on Your Own
If you’ve been married to and now divorced from a gaslighter, getting counseling for yourself is imperative. You have gone through stresses that other parents don’t typically face. This can lead to you feeling isolated, especially when your friends don’t “get it.” Your friends may not fully understand just how crazy-making your ex is, and you may not talk about it as much with them. A mental health professional can help you learn good self-care and more effective parenting strategies. Counseling is a safe place to get out your frustration and anger toward your gaslighting ex.
Developing a Healthy Communication Style
In your quest to be healthier, it’s helpful to look at how you interact and communicate with others. There are three main styles of communication: passive, aggressive, and assertive
Passive Communication:
Passive statements are usually said in a quieter voice and without much eye contact. In passive communication, what’s being conveyed is “I’m not okay, you’re okay.” You don’t state your own needs, you placate, trying to make the other person happy, while ignoring what you want. Very often, people learn to do this with a gaslighting parent so he doesn’t get out of control.
Aggressive Communication:
In aggressive communication, on the other hand, the setup is “I’m okay, you’re not okay.” You state your needs without considering the other person.Your voice is louder than usual. Aggressive communication can also take the form of smiling while saying something vicious—a skill at which gaslighters are experts.
Passive-Aggressive Communication:
In passive-aggressive speaking style, you don’t let your needs be known, but you act out toward the other person. You might say, “Sure, you can borrow my sweater,” but you then “forget” to give the other person her mail, or talk badly about her. You are denying your rights and trampling on the other person.
Assertive Communication:
In assertive communication, or “I’m okay, you’re okay,” you state your needs while also being respectful of the other person. “I’m sorry, I don’t loan out that sweater.” You are stating your needs (not giving out your sweater) in a respectful way. You are not calling the person names or using an angry tone. Assertive communication is the healthiest way to express your needs.
January 11, 2021
I can not stress enough how badly you need to read this book. All the way through.
October 21, 2018
Gaslighting by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis is a highly recommended examination of the titular technique that is used, often by those with personality disorder, to manipulate others to gain control.
Gaslighting is a term that has been used more frequently lately and it would benefit everyone to know what it means and how a gaslighter operates. "The word frenemy was probably invented for gaslighters." Gaslighters are masters of exerting control and psychological manipulation in others. Their manipulation is often slow as they begin to have you questioning your memories, sense of reality, self-worth, and perception. The name comes from the 1938 stage play Gaslight, and became more common after the 1944 movie starring Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer, and Joseph Cotton. According to Sarkis, some gaslighters meet the American Psychiatric Association's DMS criteria for several Cluster B Personality Disorders (including Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder).
Sarkis organizes her well-written and informative book in a logical fashion. There are many examples and quotes from people who have experienced gaslighting first hand and Sarkis provides examples of warning signs along with practical tips and strategies for those who have or are experiencing this behavior from others. (And perhaps will help some identify some of the traits of a gaslighter in their own life.) Ultimately, the goal is to help people break free and heal from their experiences with this toxic behavior.
Chapters are organized to cover: 1) A look at the various ways gaslighters manipulate people. 2) Help you identify if you are in a gaslighting relationship. 3) A look at the red flags to look for on a first date. 4) Gaslighting in the workplace. 5) An examination of different types of abuse and if they apply to your relationships. 6) Gaslighting in politicians and dictators. 7) Gaslighting in cults and extremist groups. 8) How to deal with a parent who is a gaslighter. 9) Gaslighters in friendships (or emotional vampires.) 10) Copeing with a gaslighting ex or ex's new partner. 11) Guidance for anyone who thinks they have been gaslighting others. 12) Counseling and treatment for protecting yourself and healing from a gaslighter’s behavior. At the back of the book are numerous resources to provide further help to anyone who is interested.
Disclosure: My review copy was courtesy of Da Capo Press.
http://www.shetreadssoftly.com/2018/1...
Gaslighting is a term that has been used more frequently lately and it would benefit everyone to know what it means and how a gaslighter operates. "The word frenemy was probably invented for gaslighters." Gaslighters are masters of exerting control and psychological manipulation in others. Their manipulation is often slow as they begin to have you questioning your memories, sense of reality, self-worth, and perception. The name comes from the 1938 stage play Gaslight, and became more common after the 1944 movie starring Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer, and Joseph Cotton. According to Sarkis, some gaslighters meet the American Psychiatric Association's DMS criteria for several Cluster B Personality Disorders (including Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder).
Sarkis organizes her well-written and informative book in a logical fashion. There are many examples and quotes from people who have experienced gaslighting first hand and Sarkis provides examples of warning signs along with practical tips and strategies for those who have or are experiencing this behavior from others. (And perhaps will help some identify some of the traits of a gaslighter in their own life.) Ultimately, the goal is to help people break free and heal from their experiences with this toxic behavior.
Chapters are organized to cover: 1) A look at the various ways gaslighters manipulate people. 2) Help you identify if you are in a gaslighting relationship. 3) A look at the red flags to look for on a first date. 4) Gaslighting in the workplace. 5) An examination of different types of abuse and if they apply to your relationships. 6) Gaslighting in politicians and dictators. 7) Gaslighting in cults and extremist groups. 8) How to deal with a parent who is a gaslighter. 9) Gaslighters in friendships (or emotional vampires.) 10) Copeing with a gaslighting ex or ex's new partner. 11) Guidance for anyone who thinks they have been gaslighting others. 12) Counseling and treatment for protecting yourself and healing from a gaslighter’s behavior. At the back of the book are numerous resources to provide further help to anyone who is interested.
Disclosure: My review copy was courtesy of Da Capo Press.
http://www.shetreadssoftly.com/2018/1...
February 23, 2023
Dr Stephanie Sarkis PhD is a clinical therapist who specializes in 'gaslighting', ADHD, anxiety, chronic pain and depression. She's also a Florida Supreme Court certified family mediator. Sarkis sees firsthand the damage that 'gaslighters' do to family, friends, neighbours and work colleagues.
The term 'gaslight' in this context refers to psychological manipulation. It derived from a 1938 play and a later British film titled 'Gaslight' in 1940. A husband tries to persuade his wife that she is going mad by challenging her sense of reality and keeping her in a state of confusion and high anxiety.
Gaslighters lie to your face, scheme to bring you undone, lie continually and compulsively, try to overpower you with their assumed power and attempt to turn your friends and family against you. The gaslighters aim is essentially to watch you suffer, while gaining control over your emotions and making you dependent on them.
In short they are a piece of work and will do their damndest to bring you undone. They are totally devoid of empathy and distort the truth by lying, manipulating, withholding, providing 'false facts' and using triangulation (getting a third party involved).
'Gaslighting' has characteristics in common with other personality disorders. Sarkis identifies various Cluster B Personality Disorders such as: Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.
She also defines what happens to the gaslighter's victims and how you can defend yourself when being preyed upon.
I found this book really helpful in that Sarkis explained gaslighters actions that I'd previously only understood intuitively. Her anonymous case examples bore a strong resemblance to gaslighters I'd observed in action.
It's difficult to understand how the hell these people can knowingly engage in such an ugly, cruel and bizarre behaviour. The last chapter was particularly helpful in that the author provides advice on how to arm yourself against the gaslighters in your life.
As Sarkis puts it so succinctly. 'The more you educate yourself about gaslighting, the better you can protect yourself from it.'
The term 'gaslight' in this context refers to psychological manipulation. It derived from a 1938 play and a later British film titled 'Gaslight' in 1940. A husband tries to persuade his wife that she is going mad by challenging her sense of reality and keeping her in a state of confusion and high anxiety.
Gaslighters lie to your face, scheme to bring you undone, lie continually and compulsively, try to overpower you with their assumed power and attempt to turn your friends and family against you. The gaslighters aim is essentially to watch you suffer, while gaining control over your emotions and making you dependent on them.
In short they are a piece of work and will do their damndest to bring you undone. They are totally devoid of empathy and distort the truth by lying, manipulating, withholding, providing 'false facts' and using triangulation (getting a third party involved).
'Gaslighting' has characteristics in common with other personality disorders. Sarkis identifies various Cluster B Personality Disorders such as: Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.
She also defines what happens to the gaslighter's victims and how you can defend yourself when being preyed upon.
I found this book really helpful in that Sarkis explained gaslighters actions that I'd previously only understood intuitively. Her anonymous case examples bore a strong resemblance to gaslighters I'd observed in action.
It's difficult to understand how the hell these people can knowingly engage in such an ugly, cruel and bizarre behaviour. The last chapter was particularly helpful in that the author provides advice on how to arm yourself against the gaslighters in your life.
As Sarkis puts it so succinctly. 'The more you educate yourself about gaslighting, the better you can protect yourself from it.'
September 21, 2021
An absolute must read for anyone who thinks they are either a gaslighter or have been the victim of gaslighting! Provides a comprehensive guide into Gaslighters way of thinking and patterns of behaviour so you can easily identify and deal with the gaslighter in your life 10/10
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