My Pretties

by Jeff Strand

A novel of terror from the Bram Stoker Award-nominated author of PRESSURE.

A serial kidnapper is preying upon women. He abducts them, then locks them in one of the cages dangling from the ceiling in a soundproofed basement. There, he sits quietly and just watches them, returning night after night, hoping he'll be in the room at the moment his beautiful captives finally starve to death.

Charlene and Gertie have become fast friends at the restaurant where they work. But Charlene is concerned when she hears how her co-worker spends her evenings: Gertie's cousin is one of the missing, and Gertie wanders the city streets where many of the abductions took place, using herself as bait with a high-voltage stun gun in her pocket. Charlene reluctantly offers to trail her in a car, just in case she does lure the kidnapper and things go wrong.

Unfortunately, the women find themselves the source of unwanted fame. And now they're on the radar of a very, very dangerous man...

Genres: Horror, Thriller, Dark, Splatterpunk, Humor, Suspense, Audiobook

264 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 2019

About the author

Bram Stoker Award-winning author of a bunch of demented books, including PRESSURE, DWELLER, CLOWNS VS. SPIDERS, AUTUMN BLEEDS INTO WINTER, MY PRETTIES, the official novelization of ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES, and lots of others!

Reviews

[Mort · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bloody brilliant...as usual!

Jeff Strand stands alone - in my opinion - at the top of the mountain when it comes to funny horror-thriller stories. Yes, it is gruesome, there will be blood and torture, some will die while others can only wish to, and you will feel guilty about how much you are laughing through the story.

I also have to congratulate Mr. Strand. My taste in reading material tends to be on the morbid and macabre side, so it is rare for me to come across a way of torture/killing I haven't read about before. In this one, the premise is simple, but the level of depravity involved is way, way up there.

Here's the thing - Ken gets his kicks from abducting women, hanging them in a cage and watching them starve to death. That's it. He gives them water, but nothing else. He doesn't touch them or hurt them physically, because that would shorten the amount of time they have to suffer through this horrible death. There is no bargaining, pleading, crying or threats that he will listen to. And what can a woman do once she is in the cage...except for dying very, very slowly.
Think of it as extreme weight-watchers with no end in sight...

The humor comes mostly from the dialogue between the characters - they are not trying to be funny, which makes it all the funnier.
And, if you've seen the second NAKED GUN movie, you might remember where Frank Drebbin comes into his house and his wife accuses him of being back on a case. He stutters:
"No. No! I'm having an affair!" - simply because the consequences might be less severe.
Well, Ken fakes alcoholism to prevent his wife from suspecting where he really goes at night.

Once you pass the halfway mark, this book takes an unexpected turn.
You'll just have to read it to find out for yourself.

As for Lynne Hanson - yet again, great cover!

Recommended to those who can stomach it!

[Tracy P. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jeff Strand delivers yet another genius and unputdownable page turner.

Not only is My Pretties a suspense filled gore fest, it also has a terrific and often riotous cast of characters.

The plot centers around (Gertie and Charlene) two female restaurant servers and a very calculating genius serial killer named Ken. Gertie's beloved cousin has been missing for a while and she is determined to find her no matter the outcome.

To accomplish this she has been disguising herself to look like the women the killer stalks and abducts. Gertie is using herself as bait and walking the streets at nights with a loaded pistol and stun gun. She is furious and determined to bring down the savage who has devastated her family.

One night (Gertie's coworker) Charlene decides to tag along as backup and out of curiosity to find out more about Gertie's heartrending plight. Unfortunately, things go sideways quickly and the two of them end up in a situation that sets their lives on a trajectory straight to the depths of hell.

While exceptionally gruesome, Strand always lightens it up with witty quips from at least one of his characters which adds the perfect balance to all the high stakes intensity.

Highly recommend. Please keep 'em coming, Jeff.

[Laurie (barksbooks) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve read a few Jeff Strand books and that man has one skewed sense of humor. I love it. He manages to make me laugh while I’m wincing at what’s occurring in the scene. That’s some talent there. If you have a dark sense of humor you should really check out some of Strand’s many works. He has written in several genres ranging from the road-trip romance Kumquat, the bizarro Facial, thriller Stalking You Now and a slew of straight up horror that you should seek out. My Pretties is as good a place as any to start though because you’ll get a good dose of his sarcasm and who doesn’t need some of that in their life?

This story is more one about the evils of man. And woman. Both are equally evil when they want to be and especially if they’re not wired quite right. It’s about the bad stuff humans do to each other. The only monsters here are of the human variety but the carnage that happens within these pages is just as horrific as any supernatural horror monster tale I’ve ever read. So if you’re asking me, and I’m sure you were, I’m calling it horror. Or horror-thriller-suspense. Whatever. I don’t really give a cat’s butt about the categorization because it is nasty and it is gory and it is great fun. That’s really all you need to know but I’ll tell you a little bit more.

Ken likes to abduct long-haired brunettes. I am not going to tell you what he does to them. You’ll have to read the book for that horrific information. Gertie’s cousin has gone missing (at least I think it was a cousin, my memory isn’t so great and I didn’t write that down – sorry) and Gertie has taken it upon herself to do some vigilante work. She dons a wig and hangs out in sketchy areas at night hoping to attract Ken’s attention. This is probably not the best course of action but Gertie has good intentions. No one else seems to care about these missing ladies so I can’t get mad at her for that. She engages her new co-worker Charlene in this scheme because Charlene is up for anything. I loved Charlene who is smart-mouthed and sarcastic and a wee bit more level headed than her new friend Gertie .

These not-so-best laid plans surprisingly go off track. Haha. That’s all I’m saying about the story.

If you want some suspense, some black humor and some gore in your life you can’t go wrong with this book. It has all of those things and a bunch of other unpleasant (in the best way) surprises too. I was never, not once, tempted to jack up the speed on my player to get things over with quicker because the pacing is just right and the narrator does a great job with the female voices and a decent one with the males. I can easily recommend it to all of you weirdos who like this sort of thing as much as I do! 4 ½ Stars

[Bridgett · Rating 5 out of 5]

I actually finished this book weeks ago and haven't had time to write the review...because I obviously suck.

But, it's okay because in the interim, I totally met and hung out with Jeff throughout the Scares That Care weekend in Williamsburg, VA! He's just as funny and wonderful as I thought he'd be.

My Pretties is an incredibly dark (yet funny), twisted (yet charming), and diabolical (yet clever) story. And I'm just going to say it...I love that Strand chose to write a lesbian protagonist. He totally did her justice, and I absolutely loved the character.

I'll also say this. Jeff is the only author I know whose antagonists are actually...likeable. It's bizarre, but boy, do I admire his skillset.

Anyway, read this. It's a must-read. Everybody should read it. Soon.

Available on Amazon in digital and paperback formats. Also available for FREE on Kindle Unlimited.

[Brandon Baker · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit ridiculous and borderline corny like all Jeff Strands book are, but this was also pretty intense once it got going and I had fun with it!!

[Y.D. Mar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hold the phone, one minute.

Did I just read...

married with children: serial killer edition? Lawd, have mercy.

I couldn't stop laughing. Every time I thought it was a fluke..the more pages I turned, my eyes were tearing up from laughing.

The banter killed me. KILLED ME. (no pun intended, obviously).

The author has an amazing talent for entertainment, indeed.

I knew..after reading this quote, it could go so many ways
_____________________
Ken took one last long whiff. He was a little ashamed of the way he enjoyed the room's smell. Death, vomit, piss...even a savage serial killer should find the aroma unpleasant. Not him. He'd bottle that scent and wear it as cologne if he could get away with it. Use it to season his food.
_____________________

But what I didn't know I'd find...was this treasure of a book.

*5 stars, especially because of the entertainment value. I rank this book dark on my scale...with plenty of dark humor ;) *

[Michelle {Book Hangovers} · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars

This was my 6th Jeff Strand book and he has yet to disappoint. The thing I love so much about all of the books I’ve read so far, is the humor. There’s so many funny moments throughout the book. Gore and humor.....does it get any better?....
Well, yes, yes it does. The female characters in My Pretties, are some bad ass women!

Discovering Jeff Strand has been so refreshing and it’s got me wanting to spend less time online and more time reading books, his books. If anyone wonders where I am, I’ll be over here binge reading all of Strand’s books.

[Kimberly · Rating 4 out of 5]

MY PRETTIES, by Jeff Strand, is one of his darker novels, but still with his trademarked sense of sarcasm and humor. We have one man who hunts women with dark brown hair==let's just say his method of execution is . . . Unique. Add to this two female would-be heroes, a dysfunctional family, and you have a fast paced horror novel that will have you chuckling at the most inappropriate of times.

[STEPH · Rating 3 out of 5]

One thing I liked about this book is the ending. After all the pain, the blood, the savagery. Poetic justice is in the house. And that is more than enough for me.

Jeff Strand is one of those writers that I look up to. He's always gonna be on my Top 10. Although this is not as memorable as the other books I've read by him, it entertained me enough.

I've connected with the characters and I wanted them to win. They did some foolish decisions but at least they were able to redeem themselves. The villains made my blood boil and I wanted to rip the pages of this book—I'm glad I didn't.

This is an OK book. I'll probably won't think about it ever again unless someone asks.

[Nikki · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my first book by this author, and already decided I need to read more of his work, specially if they are as good as this one. Read this in one day because I needed to find out what happened next.
IMO....This story would make an awesome horror movie!

[Chris Berko · Rating 4 out of 5]

My first Jeff Strand book and the experience was... unique. "I don't do much comedy" has been my rallying cry for why I haven't read any of his books before, but this one, and don't judge me for this, sounded very appealing in a ghoulish, wanting-to-read-over-the-top-stuff-for-Halloween kinda way. The story was definitely all over the place and in no way shape or form predictable and there was a good mix of dialogue and action, my only issue being that the banter sometimes got a bit too cheeky for my tastes. Overall the writing was easy to get into and it only took me a few days to get through and at no part did I feel like anything was being dragged along or drawn out. Good seasonal read with gobs of craziness and heart.

[Richard · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought I knew what I was getting into when I cracked open My Pretties, but holy shit was I wrong. I expected a straight-forward serial killer thriller-diller, and while the book is all of that on a basic level, it is constantly surprising. It’s about two waitresses orbiting a depraved serial killer who gets his kicks observing brunettes starving to death in cages. But the story took me in directions that I would have never expected. I don’t want to go into details and spoil the discoveries so this review won’t be that long. But you should read it and see how deep the depths of depravity go! I should have known that this book would be something else entirely because of the endlessly exciting author behind it, who’s anything but generic.

[Bill · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well…this was a pretty brutal one from Strand. Depraved and demented and violent and still managed to have sprinkles of the trademark Strand wit throughout. Which is good because the subject matter is dark. Very dark, indeed.

And of course, very good. Strand good.

[The Behrg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jeff Strand is a master at telling stories, and in the storyland hotel he lives in--which we can only occasionally visit--there are many floors to explore, each one as diverse and unique as the next. Some are deceptively dark and foreboding, others have clown music and bright lights (though there are still creepy things lurking around corners), but no two novels will ever be exactly alike.

This is a good thing. Too often, successful authors fear straying from the mold they've created as it might alienate the audience they've tried to build. But Strand's okay with alienation. In fact he might just string you up in a cage in a quiet suburban basement and simply watch you there for some time. Eventually, though, he'll deliver that special type of novel that you really connect with, the one that shrieks at you as loudly as you scream back. Oh, wait, I don't talk to the novels I read either, I mean, that would be crazy . . .

All this to say, I dug My Pretties. It might not have hit as hard as Pressure did for me, or wow me the way Blister did in a--how is someone in Hollywood not picking this up and making it into a movie immediately--way, but it still was a floor worth exploring.

Now back to that clown music . . .

[MadameD · Rating 4 out of 5]

Surprising!

Story 4/5
Narration 5/5

I found My Pretties by Jeff Strand, a little bit slow at the beginning, but I nonetheless had a good time listening to this story.
I recommend it.

[Bandit · Rating 4 out of 5]

Now that’s more like it. After a somewhat disappointing Strand/Moore collaboration, I was craving some pure Strand and this book didn’t disappoint. The man is versatile enough to juggle genres and so while this book definitively belongs in the realm of horrific, it also features the customary demented sort of giddiness and some profoundly demented psychology. This is, in fact, a dark psychological thriller technically, nothing supernatural at all about a tale of a serial killer with a surprisingly supportive (or is she) wife. It also features awesome female protagonists determined to apprehend him, even at a tremendous risk to their own safety and sanity. Definitely a properly thrilling kind of thriller, but funny guy that Strand is, also deliciously humorous. Really a great mix of creepy, nightmarish situations and spirited girl power teamwork with terrific characters, dynamic pacing and (as per usual) hilarious dialogue. Why, it’s a veritable lean, mean thriller fun machine. Such a quick read too, Strand’s good like that, more or less a one sitting sort of thing, preferably done in the dark. If all that doesn’t entice you, how about a promise of an awesome twist featuring one of the most original serial killer’s family situations. It’s…well, it’s different and memorable. Ok, enough said. Seriously, just go read this book already. Lovely selection for my October reading list. Recommended.

[Adam Light · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been jonesing for a new Strand book, so this was a big treat for me. This was a super-awesome horror romp, and deserves six stars, but Goodreads won't let me rate it higher than five! That's stupid. But whatever. If you haven't read this yet, fix that and do it quick before I spoil the ending for you! Seriously, though. This book started out crazy, and then ramped up the insanity higher and higher until it went off the rails in the best possible way. I was hoping to savor this book for a few days, but I was unable to put it down for more than a few minutes, and just like that, it was over. Even that was okay. It was the perfect length for this story,, so the editing was also top-notch. Great stuff here.

[Shainlock · Rating 3 out of 5]

Better than the other book I have read or, better yet... experienced of this author’s writing. Charlene and Gertie were actually characters I cared about. They were funny and had great interactions. That family though ... gnasty.

The wife was the craziest of them all. Yes honey, the family that slays together stays together. Yuck. No.

[Darrell Grizzle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Despite the title, there is nothing Oz-like or magical about MY PRETTIES. The only monsters here are humans. This is a crime thriller as well as a horror novel. Jeff Strand's trademark humor comes through in the dialogue between characters, but overall this is one of Strand's darkest and most disturbing novels. Don't start reading this at bedtime; there are several unexpected plot twists that will keep you reading late into the night.

[Escapereality4now · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW!! I enjoyed this book and want to read everthing by Jeff Strand now. Shortly after reading this book, I jumped into “Blister” and am ready for a third one. All I want to do now is sit and binge all his books, but I digress.

“My Pretties” is a tight and fast paced story about a serial killer who abducts women and keeps them in cages strung to the ceiling of a sound proof basement. He watches them as they starve to death. Whoa…this sounds dark. It was a very dark story and had everything a horror reader wants to read. Blood, gore and humor. Did you say humor?! Strand masterfully threw lashings of dark humor thrown into the mix.

There were several lines that made me laugh. Yes…this is a horror book 😆. The banter in this book was great. Being able to make the reader laugh during a gruesome scene is some real talent.

Strand changes points of view throughout the book which is just fun. The reader gets a good mix of the villain and victims point of view. It all just flowed so well.

“My Pretties” is filled wth gore, dark humor and suspense. A horror reader definitely can not go wrong. Sensitive readers should proceed with caution 👀.

[Dez Nemec · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another great wonderfully gruesome Strand tome.

And isn't that Lynne Hansen cover wonderful?!

[Mylene · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jeff Strand deserves chocolate milkshakes for life!!!

This novel was so much fun!
We have a weird, disfunctional, memorable family of villains and two female main characters you could root for, and who complemented each other. Charlene, in particular, is compelling as the selfless heroine. You can’t help but love her. Further to that, it was nice to read a story in which the main character is a wise-cracking lesbian.
Besides being a dark horror, My Pretties is filled with Strand’s sarcastic and dry sense of humour. It gives the majority of his stories that 80s cheesy horror movie feel.
Again.... I loved the story.
The only other comment I have is the cover of the book. The picture itself is fine but I was completely distracted by the typeface. Is it me or is there a very odd space between the R in Pretties and the first E? I kept staring at the cover as the word “Pretties” looked so strange, and I kept asking myself if Pretties was spelled wrong.
If that was the intention, then bravo. Otherwise, you may want to consider the font and spacing, and its effect on marketing the book.
Buy this book now if you want to read one of Strand’s best novels.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another Jeff Strand masterpiece. Short but full of interest and had me hooked from the start. Some great characters, I particularly loved Charlene and her terrible yet fun attitude and another cracking psychopath character which makes me think we should be worried about Jeff and his uncanny ability to portray them so well!

This book is disturbing and a little amusing too - it’s one of the things I love about the way this author writes. Overall a horrifying and scary story well told and written. A couple of stupid character decisions required for the plot to unfold but on the whole all reasonably believable for your average psychopath tale!

Highly recommended (not for those with a weak stomach) can’t give it less than 5*/5

[Kathy Brackin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Different type of Kipnapping serial killer story - top 5 favorite!!

[The Library of Thrills · Rating 3 out of 5]

Book Review:

I really enjoyed the beginning of this book. The story of two girls on a quest for justice grabbed my attention right away. The author’s smooth writing style made it a quick and easy read, and I found myself drawn into their world.

One of the most interesting parts was getting to see things from the villain’s point of view. Following Ken, the antagonist, added a unique twist that kept me hooked.

However, I have to be honest: my enthusiasm started to fade toward the end. When the story introduced the killer’s wife Vivian 🙄and son Jarred, it was interesting at first, but soon I felt it was a bit too much. I actually wished there was less focus on them; sometimes, less really is more. I would have preferred more about Ken instead. The shift to his family felt jarring and didn’t keep my interest as much.

3 /5

[Rachael · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read it. Could I have lived my life without ever reading this? Yep.

First half of the book was great. Second half of the book was okay. I skimmed thru the last 20 pages or so. I just knew where it was going and what was going to happen. It was just a okay story for me. Horror story...Sure. Splatterpunk Horror....Not even close!!

Happy Reading and Splatter On.....

[Nicole (TheBookWormDrinketh) · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 out of 5 stars

To anyone sensitive to….well, pretty much EVERYTHING. THIS BOOK IS NOT FOR YOU!! Ha ha! In saying that, I’m one of that psychopaths that LOVED THIS BOOK! It is Messed Up. With a capital M.

I’ve always heard that a family who kills together, stays together….. that IS the saying. Correct??

“Well, no, you probably wouldn’t have the chance, because you’d go down in a hail of police gunfire. I’d like to think that while you lay on the sidewalk choking on your own blood your final words wouldn’t be to rat me out.”

“Okay, you know what, I feel like this has stopped being a reasonable conversation.”

Awww…. they’re so sweet! And, I still don’t understand when that WAS a reasonable conversation!!

This book will keep you on the edge of your seat, but at the same time have you laughing at Charlene’s snarky attitude,

“You stupid idiot!” “Stupid idiot? I understand that you’re upset, but there’s no reason to be redundant.”

She’s a smart, wise-cracking bad ass, and she really brought this book to life…. amidst all the death! The most frightening thing about this book is that no matter how crazy the subject matter is, it’s entirely plausible. You MAY read this book and think “this would never occur in real life.” I read this book and think “this is entirely plausible in real life!” Let’s just hope that it doesn’t give anyone any ideas!! I think the truly frightening thing i the justification of this psychopath,

“I’m going to lock you in a cage and watch you starve to death. It won’t be me killing you. It’ll be biology.”

An amazing Halloween read to be enjoyed beneath the covers with a flashlight…. ok. Maybe not. I’d be worried about what I can’t see sneaking up on me!

[Melanie (TBR and Beyond) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Messed up and hilarious

RTC

[DAISY READS HORROR · Rating 4 out of 5]

I LOVED this book! That’s all I need to say. If you like horror this is a must read!

[Rachel Drenning · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another great, twisted tale by Jeff Strand. Loved the friendship between the two female protagonists. Great mix of comedy, horror, and freaky shit. Never a let down from this author. Highly recommend.