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256 pages, Paperback
First published March 7, 2019
It is familiar, this ebb and flow, a 400-million-year echo of a time this earth still carries in its rock. A time when this field was a sea, and we had yet to come. When the field was a desert, and we had yet to come. When the field was the bottom of a lake, and we were no one.
That breath is that place and until I get there I will not really be breathing.
Then comes a period when the earth tells us nothing. A break in the sedimentary record. In people, too, there are moments of erasure. Things buried, places that we cannot access. We may think that they look well, or just the same. But things will have disappeared; parts of them lost, or laid at the bottom of a long-forgotten sea.
I look at the now defunct bridge, over a thousand years old, and wonder that I have never noticed it before; that I have never been this side of the carriageway, despite my now frequent recent visits to the village. It reminds me just how narrow our trajectories are, even when we’re actively trying to expand them
When one voice falls away, they all do. The place without words is a dangerous place to linger. Where there are no words there is only rock to knock against. Where there are no words there is no join. Where there are no words there is nothing to bring it back. If it stays here too long, it will not return.
Inside, my father looks down, curved by brittleness of bone. Inside, the house is full of spiders, escaping the farmer’s harvest blade. They scatter over draining boards, the back of the sofa, windowsills, on their way I don’t know where. I don’t want to move them. I love the multiplicity of leg. Two is too limiting. Two stalks of bone that break apart with the movement of months. That wear down, into smaller and smaller steps. That can’t take you anywhere anymore; that leave you relentlessly inside your own body, with nowhere left to run.
Wyrd bið ful ārǣd!’ ‘Events always go as they must!’ ‘Swā cwæð eardstapa’: ‘So spoke the Wanderer.’ And it is the lift and drop of the fork that I fall back on, though it is my own hand now around the tines. I must bear the beat of the waves. I must hold steady through the change.
People are not ours to own. We coexist, if we’re lucky.