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Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me: Depression in the First Person
An engrossing memoir-meets-investigative report that takes a fresh, frank look at how we treat depression
Depression is a havoc-wreaking illness that masquerades as personal failing and hijacks your life. After a major suicide attempt in her early twenties, Anna Mehler Paperny resolved to put her reporter’s skills to use to get to know her enemy, setting off on a journey to understand her condition, the dizzying array of medical treatments on offer, and a medical profession in search of answers. Charting the way depression wrecks so many lives, she maps competing schools of therapy, pharmacology, cutting-edge medicine, the pill-popping pitfalls of long-term treatment, the glaring unknowns and the institutional shortcomings that both patients and practitioners are up against. She interviews leading medical experts across the US and Canada, from psychiatrists to neurologists, brain-mapping pioneers to family practitioners, and others dabbling in strange hypotheses—and shares compassionate conversations with fellow sufferers.
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me tracks Anna’s quest for knowledge and her desire to get well. Impeccably reported, it is a profoundly compelling story about the human spirit and the myriad ways we treat (and fail to treat) the disease that accounts for more years swallowed up by disability than any other in the world.
Depression is a havoc-wreaking illness that masquerades as personal failing and hijacks your life. After a major suicide attempt in her early twenties, Anna Mehler Paperny resolved to put her reporter’s skills to use to get to know her enemy, setting off on a journey to understand her condition, the dizzying array of medical treatments on offer, and a medical profession in search of answers. Charting the way depression wrecks so many lives, she maps competing schools of therapy, pharmacology, cutting-edge medicine, the pill-popping pitfalls of long-term treatment, the glaring unknowns and the institutional shortcomings that both patients and practitioners are up against. She interviews leading medical experts across the US and Canada, from psychiatrists to neurologists, brain-mapping pioneers to family practitioners, and others dabbling in strange hypotheses—and shares compassionate conversations with fellow sufferers.
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me tracks Anna’s quest for knowledge and her desire to get well. Impeccably reported, it is a profoundly compelling story about the human spirit and the myriad ways we treat (and fail to treat) the disease that accounts for more years swallowed up by disability than any other in the world.
352 pages, Paperback
First published August 6, 2019
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August 24, 2019
If you are struggling with depression or another serious psychological disorder, then I do not recommend reading this book. You know yourself best and if you are feeling triggered or ruminating about self-harm while reading this book, then please put it down, read something wholesome, and return to it when you are healthier because I think it is an important, informative, and compelling read.
Paperny also mentions her concerns regarding this near the end of her book. Because of the explicit descriptions of suicide and candid discussions about mental illness, she was afraid it might trigger some readers. However, I believe she wanted to write about her experiences honestly and part of doing that was describing the day she almost ended her life.
Although reading the beginning of this book was rough, I never felt like she glamorized her attempts. She did a good job at describing how low you feel when you are having suicidal thoughts, the anguish and pain it causes, the damage it wreaks on your life, and the crazy aftermath of it all - telling your loved ones, the guilt you feel, employment issues after a long-term medical leave, and so forth.
The reason I found this book so compelling was because you could tell the author wanted to do this topic justice. I can only imagine how difficult this was for her to write. She was very thorough, compassionate, and contentious in her delivery.
She explored various aspects of mental illness (social, political, economic, psychopharmacological etc.) and consulted professionals and patients in the field. Her lived experience also added to the writing. It made the interviews she had with the various people in her book more insightful and intriguing. You could tell this was a topic she was really passionate about.
I loved that the author acknowledged the realities of mental healthcare. Often mental healthcare is only accessible for the rich. People who can afford medications, insurance, therapy, and so forth. In the region I live, Where I live, it can take months to access free mental health counselling. If you want to see a counsellor quickly, then it can cost 100s of dollars if you do not have any insurance. And even if you have the money, finding the right counsellor can take a lot of trial and error. People who are poor simply do not have the luxury of doing this.
She highlights the various barriers other marginalized populations also face (people of colour, women, immigrants, etc.) when they try to access mental health treatment. There were some interesting statistics in here about people of colour being less likely to seek medical attention until their condition becomes debilitating.
The author also addresses the stigma around mental illness. Society still stigmatizes mental illness despite our increased awareness of it. The author reveals she has regretted every instance where she has disclosed her mental health history to someone. Acknowledging that mental illness is a disease is especially important for funding research. Despite being one of the leading causes of long-term disability in the world, our treatment options and knowledge about mental illness remains embryonic. We still need to create more accessible and effective treatments for mental illness.
As someone who hopes to work in the social service sector, this book was a valuable read for me. It interviewed and featured people who have gone through, work with, or have loved ones who cope with mental illness. The multifaceted nature of this book made it a much more enriching and enjoyable experience.
Reading this book made me very emotional. I felt angry (especially by the passage on the anti-psychiatry movement. I can only imagine how Paperny felt as she was interviewing this professor after meeting myriad families and patient who have lost their lives to mental illness and inadequate access to care and treatment), upset, confused, surprised, and just flabbergasted by how serious this disease can be, yet simultaneously, how stigmatized it is. There seems to be some promising research and work out there and I really hope one day we can have better ways of treating mental illness.
Paperny also mentions her concerns regarding this near the end of her book. Because of the explicit descriptions of suicide and candid discussions about mental illness, she was afraid it might trigger some readers. However, I believe she wanted to write about her experiences honestly and part of doing that was describing the day she almost ended her life.
Although reading the beginning of this book was rough, I never felt like she glamorized her attempts. She did a good job at describing how low you feel when you are having suicidal thoughts, the anguish and pain it causes, the damage it wreaks on your life, and the crazy aftermath of it all - telling your loved ones, the guilt you feel, employment issues after a long-term medical leave, and so forth.
The reason I found this book so compelling was because you could tell the author wanted to do this topic justice. I can only imagine how difficult this was for her to write. She was very thorough, compassionate, and contentious in her delivery.
She explored various aspects of mental illness (social, political, economic, psychopharmacological etc.) and consulted professionals and patients in the field. Her lived experience also added to the writing. It made the interviews she had with the various people in her book more insightful and intriguing. You could tell this was a topic she was really passionate about.
I loved that the author acknowledged the realities of mental healthcare. Often mental healthcare is only accessible for the rich. People who can afford medications, insurance, therapy, and so forth. In the region I live, Where I live, it can take months to access free mental health counselling. If you want to see a counsellor quickly, then it can cost 100s of dollars if you do not have any insurance. And even if you have the money, finding the right counsellor can take a lot of trial and error. People who are poor simply do not have the luxury of doing this.
She highlights the various barriers other marginalized populations also face (people of colour, women, immigrants, etc.) when they try to access mental health treatment. There were some interesting statistics in here about people of colour being less likely to seek medical attention until their condition becomes debilitating.
The author also addresses the stigma around mental illness. Society still stigmatizes mental illness despite our increased awareness of it. The author reveals she has regretted every instance where she has disclosed her mental health history to someone. Acknowledging that mental illness is a disease is especially important for funding research. Despite being one of the leading causes of long-term disability in the world, our treatment options and knowledge about mental illness remains embryonic. We still need to create more accessible and effective treatments for mental illness.
As someone who hopes to work in the social service sector, this book was a valuable read for me. It interviewed and featured people who have gone through, work with, or have loved ones who cope with mental illness. The multifaceted nature of this book made it a much more enriching and enjoyable experience.
Reading this book made me very emotional. I felt angry (especially by the passage on the anti-psychiatry movement. I can only imagine how Paperny felt as she was interviewing this professor after meeting myriad families and patient who have lost their lives to mental illness and inadequate access to care and treatment), upset, confused, surprised, and just flabbergasted by how serious this disease can be, yet simultaneously, how stigmatized it is. There seems to be some promising research and work out there and I really hope one day we can have better ways of treating mental illness.
August 3, 2019
This book is part memoir and part journalistic investigation, with a fair amount of acknowledged subjectivity based on the author’s experiences with depression, suicidal ideation and attempts, and various treatments. In trying to explain the contents of this book I couldn’t go past this quote:
It’s difficult to sit and think about depression and suicide for any extended period of time and I did find my mood changing as I read, especially the early sections where the author recounts her “entry point into a labyrinthine psychiatric care system via the trapdoor of botched self-obliteration”. I think I’d be more concerned if reading a book like this didn’t have any impact on me, though. I was able to binge watch some TV to effectively switch the channels in my brain for a while for some respite. I am keenly aware that this is a luxury someone experiencing chronic depression and/or suicidal ideation do not have.
While some of the information contained in this book is specific to Canada and/or America, overall there’s something for pretty much everyone. Given the prevalence of depression, it’s likely to have touched your life in some way, either personally or through someone you love.
This book:
* Demystifies suicide - no, asking someone if they are considering suicide does not cause someone who isn’t suicidal to suddenly become so
* Offers some protective measures - loved ones, curiosity, procrastination
* Discusses various treatment options - “pharmacological treatment of mental disorders has all the precision of surgery conducted with a chainsaw”
* Outlines some studies and research
* Highlights the additional barriers to getting treatment if you’re not white or you’re poor or from a remote community or a child or Indigenous or from a culture that shames seeking mental health treatment or, heaven forbid, any combination of these - “We fail the most marginalized at every level, then wonder why they worsen”; and
* Provides insights into depression and suicide through stories of people who’ve experienced them up close and personal.
I found some of the language used in this book referencing mental illness iffy at best: “nuts”, “crazy”, “nutbars”. While I’m never going to be okay with those words myself, I don’t have the right to tell someone who’s describing their experience what words they’re allowed to use to do so.
I appreciated the author’s honesty and her down to earth approach, which made difficult topics more accessible for me. The amount of interviews with various health professionals, researchers and others who are consistently dealing with mental illness provided a well rounded exploration, with a variety of points of view.
I would definitely recommend this book to anyone whose work involves interaction with people who experience mental illness as it holds valuable insights into what it’s like to have to live with an illness that people silence, shame and shy away from.
Content warnings include suicidal ideation, mental health and descriptions of suicide attempts, mention of sexual assault, self harm, domestic violence and bullying.
Thank you so much to NetGalley and Penguin Random House Canada for the opportunity to read this book.
It’s an uncomfortably personal exploration of a sickeningly common illness no one likes talking about, one that remains under-treated and poorly treated and grossly inequitably treated in part because of our own squeamishness in confronting it or our own denial of its existence as an illness and the destruction it wreaks when left to its own devices.I found myself cycling between wondering how wise it was to be describing the methods used in so much detail because it could potentially be read as instructions in the wrong/right hands and admonishing myself for wanting to control the narrative because people who live with suicidal ideation are already silenced in so many ways.
It’s difficult to sit and think about depression and suicide for any extended period of time and I did find my mood changing as I read, especially the early sections where the author recounts her “entry point into a labyrinthine psychiatric care system via the trapdoor of botched self-obliteration”. I think I’d be more concerned if reading a book like this didn’t have any impact on me, though. I was able to binge watch some TV to effectively switch the channels in my brain for a while for some respite. I am keenly aware that this is a luxury someone experiencing chronic depression and/or suicidal ideation do not have.
While some of the information contained in this book is specific to Canada and/or America, overall there’s something for pretty much everyone. Given the prevalence of depression, it’s likely to have touched your life in some way, either personally or through someone you love.
This book:
* Demystifies suicide - no, asking someone if they are considering suicide does not cause someone who isn’t suicidal to suddenly become so
* Offers some protective measures - loved ones, curiosity, procrastination
* Discusses various treatment options - “pharmacological treatment of mental disorders has all the precision of surgery conducted with a chainsaw”
* Outlines some studies and research
* Highlights the additional barriers to getting treatment if you’re not white or you’re poor or from a remote community or a child or Indigenous or from a culture that shames seeking mental health treatment or, heaven forbid, any combination of these - “We fail the most marginalized at every level, then wonder why they worsen”; and
* Provides insights into depression and suicide through stories of people who’ve experienced them up close and personal.
I found some of the language used in this book referencing mental illness iffy at best: “nuts”, “crazy”, “nutbars”. While I’m never going to be okay with those words myself, I don’t have the right to tell someone who’s describing their experience what words they’re allowed to use to do so.
Subsumed by such an agency-stealing disease, we need all the empowering we can get.While it covered a lot of information I already knew (I’ve read a lot previously in this area), I learned about some studies and potential future treatments I wasn’t aware of and the details of the author’s experiences in hospital opened my eyes.
I appreciated the author’s honesty and her down to earth approach, which made difficult topics more accessible for me. The amount of interviews with various health professionals, researchers and others who are consistently dealing with mental illness provided a well rounded exploration, with a variety of points of view.
I would definitely recommend this book to anyone whose work involves interaction with people who experience mental illness as it holds valuable insights into what it’s like to have to live with an illness that people silence, shame and shy away from.
Content warnings include suicidal ideation, mental health and descriptions of suicide attempts, mention of sexual assault, self harm, domestic violence and bullying.
Thank you so much to NetGalley and Penguin Random House Canada for the opportunity to read this book.
September 15, 2019
I don’t think I have adequate words to express just how powerful and moving this story was. There were so many points where I just had to put it down for a bit and process what I had read. The content is disturbing and it's not easy to read but Mehler Paperny has a great manner of writing. It’s often dark humour but I did laugh out loud reading this. A book about depression and suicide made me laugh! I never would have imagined. The author is super relatable and for me it wasn’t too difficult to imagine that this horror could happen to someone like me. She was (and still is I hope) a successful journalist with a thriving career until this disease started to destroy her life. I feel like if it happened to her it could happen to any of us.
Part of this book is the author’s memoir and oh boy what a tale it is! I can’t fathom the strength it takes to fight a disease that turns your brain against you; a disease that tells you to drink a liter of antifreeze or to hang yourself. This is such a personal, intimate story. It’s raw, real and very, very intimate. I don’t think I would ever be brave enough to share a story like this but it is so important that she has. I hope that people with mental health issues read this and feel seen and understood. I hope people without mental issues read this and become more compassionate and understanding.
The other big topic of this book is a look into the mental health care system, both in the past and the present. Mehler Paperny is an incredible investigative journalist and she applies these skills along with her first-hand experience to expose the issues involved in dealing with people with mental illnesses be they institutional, societal, or personal. It’s an eye-opening look into something that I personally didn’t know very much about. I’m pretty sure this book has made me smarter! Lol! It for sure has given me a better understanding of mental illness and a much more considerate view of those unfortunate souls who battle this terrible disease every day. They are true warriors!
I received this book for free through a Goodreads Firstreads giveaway but this has not influenced my review in any way.
Part of this book is the author’s memoir and oh boy what a tale it is! I can’t fathom the strength it takes to fight a disease that turns your brain against you; a disease that tells you to drink a liter of antifreeze or to hang yourself. This is such a personal, intimate story. It’s raw, real and very, very intimate. I don’t think I would ever be brave enough to share a story like this but it is so important that she has. I hope that people with mental health issues read this and feel seen and understood. I hope people without mental issues read this and become more compassionate and understanding.
The other big topic of this book is a look into the mental health care system, both in the past and the present. Mehler Paperny is an incredible investigative journalist and she applies these skills along with her first-hand experience to expose the issues involved in dealing with people with mental illnesses be they institutional, societal, or personal. It’s an eye-opening look into something that I personally didn’t know very much about. I’m pretty sure this book has made me smarter! Lol! It for sure has given me a better understanding of mental illness and a much more considerate view of those unfortunate souls who battle this terrible disease every day. They are true warriors!
I received this book for free through a Goodreads Firstreads giveaway but this has not influenced my review in any way.
July 20, 2020
Although the author seems to have put a great amount of research and effort into writing about her story, I would not recommend it to anybody actually struggling with depression or mental health.
Perhaps my reason for giving Paperny's memoir-style reflection only two stars is because I had preconceived notions that this book would be a light-hearted take on teaching others about depression and offering tips on mental health awareness. Judging by the brightly coloured cover and the "depression in first person" subtitle, it was off-putting to discover that this book focuses primarily on heavy, dark, and triggering events of the author's own life.
It must have been a difficult topic to write and share about, but I didn't find it rewarding or uplifting so much as I found it disturbing. I found myself wishing I could reach out and help the people that thought this book would offer them some resourceful insight into dealing with their own mental health.
I wish this book came with a disclaimer like "WARNING: This is a self-reflective research memoir on Anna Mehler Paperny's own experiences with suicide. Do not read if you suffer from mental health issues." I really wish they hadn't designed a cover that gave off the completely polar opposite impression of the contents lying within.
This book wasn't for me; I couldn't even properly finish it as I found myself falling asleep each and every time I picked it up for longer than a few pages.
2/5 on this one.
Perhaps my reason for giving Paperny's memoir-style reflection only two stars is because I had preconceived notions that this book would be a light-hearted take on teaching others about depression and offering tips on mental health awareness. Judging by the brightly coloured cover and the "depression in first person" subtitle, it was off-putting to discover that this book focuses primarily on heavy, dark, and triggering events of the author's own life.
It must have been a difficult topic to write and share about, but I didn't find it rewarding or uplifting so much as I found it disturbing. I found myself wishing I could reach out and help the people that thought this book would offer them some resourceful insight into dealing with their own mental health.
I wish this book came with a disclaimer like "WARNING: This is a self-reflective research memoir on Anna Mehler Paperny's own experiences with suicide. Do not read if you suffer from mental health issues." I really wish they hadn't designed a cover that gave off the completely polar opposite impression of the contents lying within.
This book wasn't for me; I couldn't even properly finish it as I found myself falling asleep each and every time I picked it up for longer than a few pages.
2/5 on this one.
September 13, 2019
As someone who struggled through something similar, I found this book to be deeply triggering. I managed to get about 80 pages in, but found the tone about her experience oscillated between blase and braggart. When it became obvious that this tone wasn't going to change any time soon, and reading became laborious, I gave up.
January 5, 2020
Memoir/well-researched summary of the current state of depression treatment in Canada/USA.
What worked for me:
-the research is very thorough and presented in a compelling/easy-to-understand format
- Paperny does a great job interviewing and incorporating the stories of others' into her book. I think this was a very effective way of accounting for perspectives she cannot fully represent (adolescent suicide, Indigenous suicide)
- I appreciated her account of her experiences in inpatient units. I think most people have no idea what happens and are overly reliant on inpatient services for helping themselves or their loved ones (which is just not likely to be that helpful given the current state)
- her critiques of the healthcare system are thorough and fair
What did not work for me:
- Unfortunately, I cannot recommend this book to others with depression. The writing is likely to be triggering as Paperny describes her suicide attempts in great detail and uses incredibly stigmatizing language (describing others with mental illness or those in an inpatient unit as "crazies"). I think a book like this would be very validating for someone with chronic mental illness, but only if the writing was significantly altered
- On the topic of stigma - Paperny demonstrated a very stigmatizing and inaccurate understanding of BPD. The fact that people with BPD have a rate of suicide 50x higher than the general population and she doesn't address this at all, really bothered me
- Paperny focuses almost entirely on medical interventions and fails to explain or elaborate on efficacious therapies for depression. This may be understandable if she found these therapies personally ineffective - however she barely describes her own experiences in therapy. There is no evidence provided that non-medical interventions for depression were ineffective for her. This is problematic because it paints a picture of hopelessness that may discourage others from seeking treatment!
- Paperny makes no useful suggestions for how to improve the healthcare system. She argues against involuntary treatment, but does not explain what the alternative is. Do we just let people kill themselves without providing treatment?
2.5/5
What worked for me:
-the research is very thorough and presented in a compelling/easy-to-understand format
- Paperny does a great job interviewing and incorporating the stories of others' into her book. I think this was a very effective way of accounting for perspectives she cannot fully represent (adolescent suicide, Indigenous suicide)
- I appreciated her account of her experiences in inpatient units. I think most people have no idea what happens and are overly reliant on inpatient services for helping themselves or their loved ones (which is just not likely to be that helpful given the current state)
- her critiques of the healthcare system are thorough and fair
What did not work for me:
- Unfortunately, I cannot recommend this book to others with depression. The writing is likely to be triggering as Paperny describes her suicide attempts in great detail and uses incredibly stigmatizing language (describing others with mental illness or those in an inpatient unit as "crazies"). I think a book like this would be very validating for someone with chronic mental illness, but only if the writing was significantly altered
- On the topic of stigma - Paperny demonstrated a very stigmatizing and inaccurate understanding of BPD. The fact that people with BPD have a rate of suicide 50x higher than the general population and she doesn't address this at all, really bothered me
- Paperny focuses almost entirely on medical interventions and fails to explain or elaborate on efficacious therapies for depression. This may be understandable if she found these therapies personally ineffective - however she barely describes her own experiences in therapy. There is no evidence provided that non-medical interventions for depression were ineffective for her. This is problematic because it paints a picture of hopelessness that may discourage others from seeking treatment!
- Paperny makes no useful suggestions for how to improve the healthcare system. She argues against involuntary treatment, but does not explain what the alternative is. Do we just let people kill themselves without providing treatment?
2.5/5
November 12, 2020
I’ll be honest, this was a really hard book to read for multiple reasons. The first is that the author’s firsthand story of her own depression, suicide attempts, and recovery was really dark but not necessarily in a bad way. It was a tough read, especially for someone who has gone through some of the same experiences. The second reason is the reason for the lower rating, the middle half of the book (at least half) is pretty much just research that adds up to everyone is different and there is no single treatment option. So the middle part reads very dry, but the subject matter is very important so that does bump it up a bit.
November 14, 2019
"As much as I wind my mind back in time I'm unable to locate the start of a downward spiral. And every well-meaning therapeutic discussion I've attempted to dredge childhood trauma proves futile and guilt-inducing. I've never been subject to anything awful enough to warrant this mind-swallowing badness. I have a supportive, loving family, had a happy childhood. I'm a very fortunate person. Only problem is, I hate myself and want to die." - Anna Mehler-Paperny
I’d like to say that I identify with Anna, but I know that my depression is nowhere near as severe as hers. I’ve had stretches in my younger days where I no longer wanted to be alive, but I never once thought about killing myself. Mine was more in line with Allie Broch’s (Hyperbole & A Half) depression comic. However, in 2017, I was able to finally meet with a psychiatrist who was able to help me a great deal in getting me off of one medication and onto another, at the same time monitoring my process and asking me the important questions I needed.
In Help Me I Want To Die Please Fix Me, Anna details her suicide attempts in 2011 and 2015 and the shitshow she went through to try and find treatment that would help her to lead a “normal” life. Through dozens of interviews with professionals in the field of mental illness - as well as her own experience - Mehler-Paperny paints a picture of the mental minefield of depression analysis.
Through the years, Anna was subjected to rounds and rounds of various medications (the first of which was Escitalopram, which is what I take) in an effort to find what combination truly works. She breaks down and discusses what each one is meant to do and the science behind them. Just like the rest of the book, Anna does this in a conversational way, so the constant barrage of medical terms and jargon does not come across drier than kindling. This greatly helped to make this such an accessible read for a wider audience (me included). I’m sure her journalistic background went a long way in establishing the tone of the book.
The book also takes a hard look at the mental health system in place in Canada. She discusses lack of health-care for those who had admitted suicide attempts in the past, experimental treatments and public awareness campaigns by big companies. The most difficult moments in the book involve shining a light on the treatment of people of color and those in first nations communities. The suicide crisis among indigenous youth is especially troubling given that they receive very little - if any - assistance from the federal government. The politics between governments on a provincial and federal level when it comes to funding comes across as petty in the face of bodies dropping like flies due to anything from drug addiction to death-pacts amongst teenagers. It is absolutely disheartening.
I think this is an important book and I’m glad Anna wrote it the way she did. Hell I Want to Die Please Fix Me is a raw, unflinching look at the harrowing nature of mental illness and why it is often misunderstood by those lucky enough to not be afflicted by its debilitating process.
I’d like to say that I identify with Anna, but I know that my depression is nowhere near as severe as hers. I’ve had stretches in my younger days where I no longer wanted to be alive, but I never once thought about killing myself. Mine was more in line with Allie Broch’s (Hyperbole & A Half) depression comic. However, in 2017, I was able to finally meet with a psychiatrist who was able to help me a great deal in getting me off of one medication and onto another, at the same time monitoring my process and asking me the important questions I needed.
In Help Me I Want To Die Please Fix Me, Anna details her suicide attempts in 2011 and 2015 and the shitshow she went through to try and find treatment that would help her to lead a “normal” life. Through dozens of interviews with professionals in the field of mental illness - as well as her own experience - Mehler-Paperny paints a picture of the mental minefield of depression analysis.
Through the years, Anna was subjected to rounds and rounds of various medications (the first of which was Escitalopram, which is what I take) in an effort to find what combination truly works. She breaks down and discusses what each one is meant to do and the science behind them. Just like the rest of the book, Anna does this in a conversational way, so the constant barrage of medical terms and jargon does not come across drier than kindling. This greatly helped to make this such an accessible read for a wider audience (me included). I’m sure her journalistic background went a long way in establishing the tone of the book.
The book also takes a hard look at the mental health system in place in Canada. She discusses lack of health-care for those who had admitted suicide attempts in the past, experimental treatments and public awareness campaigns by big companies. The most difficult moments in the book involve shining a light on the treatment of people of color and those in first nations communities. The suicide crisis among indigenous youth is especially troubling given that they receive very little - if any - assistance from the federal government. The politics between governments on a provincial and federal level when it comes to funding comes across as petty in the face of bodies dropping like flies due to anything from drug addiction to death-pacts amongst teenagers. It is absolutely disheartening.
I think this is an important book and I’m glad Anna wrote it the way she did. Hell I Want to Die Please Fix Me is a raw, unflinching look at the harrowing nature of mental illness and why it is often misunderstood by those lucky enough to not be afflicted by its debilitating process.
August 12, 2019
Informative, honest, and perceptive!
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me is the first-hand, candid story of Anna Mehler Paperny’s personal, ongoing struggle with suicidal ideation and depression, as well as an in-depth look into the mental health care industry and the limitations, resources, misunderstandings, and treatments that surround it.
The writing is clear, moving, and educative. And the novel is an exceptionally researched, impassioned tale of one woman’s battle to maintain life while her brain consistently tells her to end it.
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me is, ultimately, part memoir, part investigation that includes statistical data and interviews with Canadian and North American health care professionals that is a valuable, emotive resource for anyone, anywhere who suffers from, works with, or is affected in any way by this disease that wreaks havoc on over 300 million lives worldwide.
Thank you to Penguin Random House Canada for providing me with a copy in exchange for an honest review.
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me is the first-hand, candid story of Anna Mehler Paperny’s personal, ongoing struggle with suicidal ideation and depression, as well as an in-depth look into the mental health care industry and the limitations, resources, misunderstandings, and treatments that surround it.
The writing is clear, moving, and educative. And the novel is an exceptionally researched, impassioned tale of one woman’s battle to maintain life while her brain consistently tells her to end it.
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me is, ultimately, part memoir, part investigation that includes statistical data and interviews with Canadian and North American health care professionals that is a valuable, emotive resource for anyone, anywhere who suffers from, works with, or is affected in any way by this disease that wreaks havoc on over 300 million lives worldwide.
Thank you to Penguin Random House Canada for providing me with a copy in exchange for an honest review.
February 20, 2020
Stopped reading after four chapters. PhD candidate in clinical psychology here.
I am all for describing de-stigmatizing mental illness, the healing process of writing about the experience, and increasing awareness of the public. I'm sorry for her experience, and I always have tremendous respect for the strength those with mental health problems have, living day by day. However, the way this book is presented is definitely not very effective. She has experience, but not understanding, about the rationale of mental health professionals decision-making processes and guidelines.
Additionally, we know from research that describing suicide attempts and/or plans in specific, concrete, and graphic detail is NOT helpful and can actually perpetuate copycats/increase suicide plans and attempts. Anna Mehler Paperny repeatedly describes her attempts in extreme detail. Speaking candidly about negative experiences otherwise is totally fine, even a little more generally plans/attempts can be okay. This is part of the reason why DBT groups also have a rule of not talking in graphic detail about self-harm and/or suicidal behaviours, and to save it for individual sessions.
I feel conflicted, but this is too bad.
I am all for describing de-stigmatizing mental illness, the healing process of writing about the experience, and increasing awareness of the public. I'm sorry for her experience, and I always have tremendous respect for the strength those with mental health problems have, living day by day. However, the way this book is presented is definitely not very effective. She has experience, but not understanding, about the rationale of mental health professionals decision-making processes and guidelines.
Additionally, we know from research that describing suicide attempts and/or plans in specific, concrete, and graphic detail is NOT helpful and can actually perpetuate copycats/increase suicide plans and attempts. Anna Mehler Paperny repeatedly describes her attempts in extreme detail. Speaking candidly about negative experiences otherwise is totally fine, even a little more generally plans/attempts can be okay. This is part of the reason why DBT groups also have a rule of not talking in graphic detail about self-harm and/or suicidal behaviours, and to save it for individual sessions.
I feel conflicted, but this is too bad.
October 24, 2022
Didn't love the writing style... you can tell the author is a journalist.
June 30, 2022
An absolutely essential read for any future or practicing clinician. I entered into this novel as an incoming clinical psychology graduate student on a mission to read more non-fiction first person accounts of mental illness in order to explore patient perspectives before becoming a therapist myself.
I feel like so much of my curriculum up until this point has been from the perspective of clinicians and academics: rarely in my studies am I presented a patient perspective unbiased by the lens of my own or other's clinical knowledge and instincts. To hear, first hand, Anna Paperny's humorous, honest, and often deeply harrowing account of her experience with debilitating depression has been critical in changing the way I conceptualize this illness. It is a bonus that Paperny is also a phenomenal journalist: she presents equanimously the academic perspective, the clinician perspective, the insurer perspective, the doubters of therapy and the believers, the psychiatrists and the alternative medicine proponents, all with the poignant undercurrent of perspective lent by her own lived experiences with disorder. This book should be taught and examined in graduate classes, if not a primer at least a a critical analysis of how North American society (Canadians and Americans alike) perceive and treat (or don't treat) those with severe chronic depression.
As a future therapist with my own lived experiences of mental illness, this book has also ignited a desire in me to view my experiences not as a hindrance but a clinical strength. Although I understand this disclosure may not be necessary or even desired in all clinical partnerships I encounter, for those for whom I think it will benefit I will not hesitate to offer the support that this information may provide.
I feel like so much of my curriculum up until this point has been from the perspective of clinicians and academics: rarely in my studies am I presented a patient perspective unbiased by the lens of my own or other's clinical knowledge and instincts. To hear, first hand, Anna Paperny's humorous, honest, and often deeply harrowing account of her experience with debilitating depression has been critical in changing the way I conceptualize this illness. It is a bonus that Paperny is also a phenomenal journalist: she presents equanimously the academic perspective, the clinician perspective, the insurer perspective, the doubters of therapy and the believers, the psychiatrists and the alternative medicine proponents, all with the poignant undercurrent of perspective lent by her own lived experiences with disorder. This book should be taught and examined in graduate classes, if not a primer at least a a critical analysis of how North American society (Canadians and Americans alike) perceive and treat (or don't treat) those with severe chronic depression.
As a future therapist with my own lived experiences of mental illness, this book has also ignited a desire in me to view my experiences not as a hindrance but a clinical strength. Although I understand this disclosure may not be necessary or even desired in all clinical partnerships I encounter, for those for whom I think it will benefit I will not hesitate to offer the support that this information may provide.
September 22, 2025
I went into this book expecting a self help guide, but what I found instead was a raw, unflinching deep dive into first person accounts of mental illness and suicide. Alongside these stories, the author highlights just how far behind we are as a society when it comes to healthcare and treating severe depression. While it wasn’t helpful in the way I initially imagined, it made me feel understood, instead of the too common "these feeling are wrong and bad, stop it" approach.
What stood out most was the author’s plainspoken honesty about her attempts and times spent in hospitals. She doesn’t sugarcoat or tiptoe around the subject. She treats depression not as some shadowy boogeyman but as what it truly is, a serious disease, and a medical emergency. "You wouldn’t tell a cancer patient to make their cells stop growing.” Depression is an illness with biological, psychological, and social roots, not a failure of will.
There’s a certain comfort in reading something so rarely talked about so openly in such a familiar and casual tone. This book may not offer solutions in the traditional “self help” sense, but it offers something just as important: validation, clarity, and the reminder that mental health is something to be taken seriously.
What stood out most was the author’s plainspoken honesty about her attempts and times spent in hospitals. She doesn’t sugarcoat or tiptoe around the subject. She treats depression not as some shadowy boogeyman but as what it truly is, a serious disease, and a medical emergency. "You wouldn’t tell a cancer patient to make their cells stop growing.” Depression is an illness with biological, psychological, and social roots, not a failure of will.
There’s a certain comfort in reading something so rarely talked about so openly in such a familiar and casual tone. This book may not offer solutions in the traditional “self help” sense, but it offers something just as important: validation, clarity, and the reminder that mental health is something to be taken seriously.
January 24, 2022
I've been meaning to read this book for so long now and it was even better than I had imagined! Part deeply personal memoir about the author's struggle with depression and suicide attempts, while also part journalistic investigation style. I didn't expect the interviews and investigative elements of the book but it was well researched and made sense since the author is a journalist. Anna does a great job highlighting the shortcomings of the mental health industry and the poor treatment people of color receive compared to others. This book is wide-ranging, full of depth and vulnerability. Highly recommended and great on audio. This is a MUST read!
October 9, 2019
Everyone who loves me should read this. It's heavy - take care if this topic is difficult for you.
March 21, 2023
Title:
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me: Depression in the First Person
Author: Anna Mehler Paperny
Genre: Memoir
Rating: 5.00
Pub Date: August 6, 2019
T H R E E • W O R D S
Courageous • Validating • Urgent
📖 S Y N O P S I S
In her early twenties, while outwardly thriving in her dream job and enjoying warm familial support and a strong social network, award-winning journalist Anna Mehler Paperny found herself trapped by feelings of failure and despair. Her first suicide attempt—ingesting a deadly mix of sleeping pills and antifreeze—landed her in the ICU, followed by weeks of enforced detention that ran the gamut of horrifying, boring, hilarious, and absurd. This was Anna's entry into the labyrinthine psychiatric care system responsible for providing care to millions of Canadians.
As she struggled to survive the psych ward and as an outpatient—enduring the "survivor's" shame of facing concerned family, friends, and co-workers; finding (or not) the right therapist, the right meds; staying healthy, insured, and employed—Anna could not help but turn her demanding journalist's eye on her condition and on the system in which she found herself. She set off on a quest to "know her enemy," interviewing leading practitioners in the field across Canada and the US—from psychiatrists to neurological experts, brain-mapping pioneers to heroic family practitioners, and others dabbling in novel hypotheses. She reveals in courageously frank detail her own experiences with the pharmacological pitfalls and side effects of long-term treatment, and offers moving case studies of conversations with others, opening wide a window into how we treat (and fail to treat) the disease that accounts for more years swallowed up by disability than any other in the world.
💭 T H O U G H T S
I originally picked this book up at a secondhand book sale because the title caught my attention. Of course, upon further inspection I knew this book was something I'd want to read given the topic of depression. And what an important book it is!
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me explores the cultural, societal, and historical discourse surrounding despair. It dives deep into the depths of the author's personal struggles, as well as providing an in depth look into research surrounding treatments and possible causes; the struggles of navigating the mental health system; and the stigma people with depression often feel. As someone who has dealt with (and continues to deal with) anxiety and depression, I felt incredibly supported by Anna Mehler Paperny's frankness and openess in telling it like it is. She doesn't sugarcoat the suffering, nor does she shy away from exposing how incredibly fucked up the health care system is in helping those with mental illness.
When Anna discusses the tremendous undertaking it is to navigate the mental health system, I found myself nodding along to everything she had to say. As someone who has been there, I have been a first hand witness to just how hard it is to find help, let alone proper and affordable care. Unless you're in an immediate crisis, the options are very few and far between. But even then, as soon as you're no longer in a crisis, you're left hung out to dry until you end up in another crisis again. There is no ongoing care or follow ups like there are for physical aliments. In 2023, this is an absolute shame!! Yes, we are certainly talking about mental health more, but there needs to be much MORE action. The most vulnerable people are suffering alone.
I hope more people will read this book and gain a better understanding of what depression can be
like, and for society, to extend more sympathy and compassion to those living with this chronic and debilitating disease. Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me is a book I can see myself coming back to in years to come. It was validating for my personally, and I hope opens readers eyes to how incredibly difficult it is to navigate the world of mental health services. Depression is something that affects everyone, whether directly or indirectly, and governments need to start treating mental illness as equivalent to physical health. Kudos to Anna Mehler Paperny for telling her story, and I certainly hope people are listening.
📚 R E C O M M E N D • T O
• anyone who has been effected by depression (directly or indirectly)
• mental health advocates
• everyone!
⚠️ CW: mental illness, depression, chronic illness, eating disorder, suicide, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, self harm, medical content, medical trauma, death, cursing
🔖 F A V O U R I T E • Q U O T E S
"Depression affects everyone on the planet, directly or indirectly, in every possible sphere."
"Chronic illness changes the way you see yourself—it outlasts jobs, homes, relationships. Even the flimsiest reification has power."
"As far as national chauvinisms go, Canada loves being The One With Universal Health Care. But if your illness is in your brain, that universality is a lie."
"Loving people so much it hurts doesn’t necessarily negate the need to die; it just makes you hate yourself more for all the pain you cause, makes you feel your death would be a gift."
Author: Anna Mehler Paperny
Genre: Memoir
Rating: 5.00
Pub Date: August 6, 2019
T H R E E • W O R D S
Courageous • Validating • Urgent
📖 S Y N O P S I S
In her early twenties, while outwardly thriving in her dream job and enjoying warm familial support and a strong social network, award-winning journalist Anna Mehler Paperny found herself trapped by feelings of failure and despair. Her first suicide attempt—ingesting a deadly mix of sleeping pills and antifreeze—landed her in the ICU, followed by weeks of enforced detention that ran the gamut of horrifying, boring, hilarious, and absurd. This was Anna's entry into the labyrinthine psychiatric care system responsible for providing care to millions of Canadians.
As she struggled to survive the psych ward and as an outpatient—enduring the "survivor's" shame of facing concerned family, friends, and co-workers; finding (or not) the right therapist, the right meds; staying healthy, insured, and employed—Anna could not help but turn her demanding journalist's eye on her condition and on the system in which she found herself. She set off on a quest to "know her enemy," interviewing leading practitioners in the field across Canada and the US—from psychiatrists to neurological experts, brain-mapping pioneers to heroic family practitioners, and others dabbling in novel hypotheses. She reveals in courageously frank detail her own experiences with the pharmacological pitfalls and side effects of long-term treatment, and offers moving case studies of conversations with others, opening wide a window into how we treat (and fail to treat) the disease that accounts for more years swallowed up by disability than any other in the world.
💭 T H O U G H T S
I originally picked this book up at a secondhand book sale because the title caught my attention. Of course, upon further inspection I knew this book was something I'd want to read given the topic of depression. And what an important book it is!
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me explores the cultural, societal, and historical discourse surrounding despair. It dives deep into the depths of the author's personal struggles, as well as providing an in depth look into research surrounding treatments and possible causes; the struggles of navigating the mental health system; and the stigma people with depression often feel. As someone who has dealt with (and continues to deal with) anxiety and depression, I felt incredibly supported by Anna Mehler Paperny's frankness and openess in telling it like it is. She doesn't sugarcoat the suffering, nor does she shy away from exposing how incredibly fucked up the health care system is in helping those with mental illness.
When Anna discusses the tremendous undertaking it is to navigate the mental health system, I found myself nodding along to everything she had to say. As someone who has been there, I have been a first hand witness to just how hard it is to find help, let alone proper and affordable care. Unless you're in an immediate crisis, the options are very few and far between. But even then, as soon as you're no longer in a crisis, you're left hung out to dry until you end up in another crisis again. There is no ongoing care or follow ups like there are for physical aliments. In 2023, this is an absolute shame!! Yes, we are certainly talking about mental health more, but there needs to be much MORE action. The most vulnerable people are suffering alone.
I hope more people will read this book and gain a better understanding of what depression can be
like, and for society, to extend more sympathy and compassion to those living with this chronic and debilitating disease. Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me is a book I can see myself coming back to in years to come. It was validating for my personally, and I hope opens readers eyes to how incredibly difficult it is to navigate the world of mental health services. Depression is something that affects everyone, whether directly or indirectly, and governments need to start treating mental illness as equivalent to physical health. Kudos to Anna Mehler Paperny for telling her story, and I certainly hope people are listening.
📚 R E C O M M E N D • T O
• anyone who has been effected by depression (directly or indirectly)
• mental health advocates
• everyone!
⚠️ CW: mental illness, depression, chronic illness, eating disorder, suicide, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, self harm, medical content, medical trauma, death, cursing
🔖 F A V O U R I T E • Q U O T E S
"Depression affects everyone on the planet, directly or indirectly, in every possible sphere."
"Chronic illness changes the way you see yourself—it outlasts jobs, homes, relationships. Even the flimsiest reification has power."
"As far as national chauvinisms go, Canada loves being The One With Universal Health Care. But if your illness is in your brain, that universality is a lie."
"Loving people so much it hurts doesn’t necessarily negate the need to die; it just makes you hate yourself more for all the pain you cause, makes you feel your death would be a gift."
September 3, 2019
This book should be required reading for every psychiatry resident and highly recommended for every medical student. It is an honest, humane portrayal of everything about serious mental illness that health professionals should know and reflect on.
The book is exceptionally well written and astonishingly thorough. I especially appreciate that @amp6 addressed issues like race, power, privilege, and coercion in the way that she did.
I also believe that practicing psychiatrists should read and reflect on the wise words of @amp6 and many of the people that she interviewed. Our profession must learn from our coercive history and advance towards a more humane approach to treating suicidality.
I caught myself page after page thinking of the patients I have encountered who were suffering and so ready to give up. I hope I treated them with the dignity they deserved. They are the inspiration for my advocacy. Our system is messed up beyond words and needs to change.
We have to keep fighting together for a system that does better. Why do we accept the ridiculously poor standard of mental healthcare available to most Canadians?
“It doesn’t have to be this way. There are pathways to compassionate, equitable, informed care for an illness that pummels too many for too long without respite. But we need to act like this is something we care about...”
“...So let’s fix this goddamnit, and move on to bitching about something else.”
The book is exceptionally well written and astonishingly thorough. I especially appreciate that @amp6 addressed issues like race, power, privilege, and coercion in the way that she did.
I also believe that practicing psychiatrists should read and reflect on the wise words of @amp6 and many of the people that she interviewed. Our profession must learn from our coercive history and advance towards a more humane approach to treating suicidality.
I caught myself page after page thinking of the patients I have encountered who were suffering and so ready to give up. I hope I treated them with the dignity they deserved. They are the inspiration for my advocacy. Our system is messed up beyond words and needs to change.
We have to keep fighting together for a system that does better. Why do we accept the ridiculously poor standard of mental healthcare available to most Canadians?
“It doesn’t have to be this way. There are pathways to compassionate, equitable, informed care for an illness that pummels too many for too long without respite. But we need to act like this is something we care about...”
“...So let’s fix this goddamnit, and move on to bitching about something else.”
January 17, 2020
Not a big fan of how the author is extremely condescending towards people with psychosis... Feel free to poke fun at your own experiences with mental illness but leave other people's alone. Also not sure if I would recommend this to someone actually struggling with depression as it's pretty pessimistic in terms of the efficacy of treatment and just has a blasé tone all around. As for positives... there were a few tidbits of good information, but not enough to make it worth the read.
And honestly, this is more a book about suicide than it is about depression, so know that going in.
And honestly, this is more a book about suicide than it is about depression, so know that going in.
May 14, 2021
Love hearing a first-person, Canadian, intersectional voice on this issue. Taught me so much about my work. Will definitely buy my own copy.
August 7, 2020
I gave this book 4 stars because it was well written and for the authors dry sense of humor making the grim subject easier to stay with .The narrator was also excellent.
The book did make me want to give the views of my own Spiritual Teacher on suicide which is that the reason people commit suicide is because of troubles and /or pain that they wish to escape from but what they fail to consider is that all the pain and pleasure we experience in this life is due to our good and bad actions in past lives .The more bad actions we do teh more pain and trouble we will inevitably experience in the future . Suicide is regarded by the Lord of Karma as the very worst of actions and results in the heaviest increase in pain and trouble .Therefore Suicide is no escape as we still have to face the results of our previous actions in our next life but with the additional heavy burden of the suicide.
Please note that my teacher is a scientist and teaches pupils how to "die while living " --not by suicide but by focusing the attention at the portal where the soul leaves the body at death where the astral form of the human teacher meets it and takes it to higher regions of love and light .After the mediation period the soul returns to the body to carry out ones allotted duties . . My teacher says that St Paul refers to this process in The bible when he says "I die daily "
I did try to take my life when I was 17 (1977) after being was suicidally depressed for about a year. But then I found "God as I understand him" Narcotic Anonymous and via "prayer and meditation began seeking to improve my conscious contact with this "God as I understand him( aka Higher Power ) " which led in 1982 to my meeting my spiritual teacher who teaches that humans have a spiritual aspect as well as a mental and physical aspect and that mental illness is symptom of spiritual illness and can be treated by resolving the spiritual illness . The spiritual illness is that we feel cut off from and ignorant of the power that created and sustains us and the only cure is to "die while living" every day in meditation and travel to a higher level of consciousness and reality and commune with this power daily . I think this free therapy deserves some research .
I was raised catholic and, being a lustful teenager of poor moral character , I was sure that I was destined to burn in hell f0r eternity. It was quite a spiritual path that a reprobate like me could walk upon and on that path to find a way to feel God's love and support in life after my daily meditation -- it solved the depression/self condemnation problem fro me -- I felt/still feel have a true friend who loves and understands me and constant companion. Due to the scientific technique I can reliable contact him at will and His presence is the sustaining power that supports my will to live and to serve him by growing and evolving according to his plan while consciously receiving help and guidance . Life is now an adventure for US(its not me any more its 'us" . Him and me --me and Him --we are in this together . Some times i feel cut off again because of getting too involved in worldly affairs and depression can return but Like a child lost in a who has let go of her father's hand in a crowded fair all I have to do is go back to the eyecenter(the lost and found ) and there he is waiting for me with a big smile . Hence I call it a hard science rather than a belief system . It is a little known fact we all have an "eyecenter " within us and that if we get a good teacher he will instruct us how to develop our ability to hold still there long enough to pass through it and meet there teh Power that created and supports us and consciously reiceved waves of love, light and guidance AND HE DOES NO CHARGE A PENNY --ITS FREE (for more info see https://rssb.org/ebooks.html) But note it does require a living human teacher --to do it on ones own risks being fed false suggestions by ones own diseased mind . So the living human teache ris needed to differentiate between ones own mind and "god' within but Like I said ....the teacher is free....so no need to DIY to save money .It really does solve the problem and any one who can live the discipline ( no meat , no alcohol or street drugs , no stealing or sex out of wedlock , and mediate 2.5 hours a day ) qualifies for free instruction with guaranteed results
I suggest this as a a cheap , discreet alternative to suicide and ones fellow pupils form an excellent support group of cool people . The only catch is the disciplines but if one can do them its a great solution to the problem and usually when one gets desperate enough one finds that they are no big price to pay . I've been doing it since 1982 and have had no relapse --One develops a strong will power by collecting ones attention in the eye center
The book did make me want to give the views of my own Spiritual Teacher on suicide which is that the reason people commit suicide is because of troubles and /or pain that they wish to escape from but what they fail to consider is that all the pain and pleasure we experience in this life is due to our good and bad actions in past lives .The more bad actions we do teh more pain and trouble we will inevitably experience in the future . Suicide is regarded by the Lord of Karma as the very worst of actions and results in the heaviest increase in pain and trouble .Therefore Suicide is no escape as we still have to face the results of our previous actions in our next life but with the additional heavy burden of the suicide.
Please note that my teacher is a scientist and teaches pupils how to "die while living " --not by suicide but by focusing the attention at the portal where the soul leaves the body at death where the astral form of the human teacher meets it and takes it to higher regions of love and light .After the mediation period the soul returns to the body to carry out ones allotted duties . . My teacher says that St Paul refers to this process in The bible when he says "I die daily "
I did try to take my life when I was 17 (1977) after being was suicidally depressed for about a year. But then I found "God as I understand him" Narcotic Anonymous and via "prayer and meditation began seeking to improve my conscious contact with this "God as I understand him( aka Higher Power ) " which led in 1982 to my meeting my spiritual teacher who teaches that humans have a spiritual aspect as well as a mental and physical aspect and that mental illness is symptom of spiritual illness and can be treated by resolving the spiritual illness . The spiritual illness is that we feel cut off from and ignorant of the power that created and sustains us and the only cure is to "die while living" every day in meditation and travel to a higher level of consciousness and reality and commune with this power daily . I think this free therapy deserves some research .
I was raised catholic and, being a lustful teenager of poor moral character , I was sure that I was destined to burn in hell f0r eternity. It was quite a spiritual path that a reprobate like me could walk upon and on that path to find a way to feel God's love and support in life after my daily meditation -- it solved the depression/self condemnation problem fro me -- I felt/still feel have a true friend who loves and understands me and constant companion. Due to the scientific technique I can reliable contact him at will and His presence is the sustaining power that supports my will to live and to serve him by growing and evolving according to his plan while consciously receiving help and guidance . Life is now an adventure for US(its not me any more its 'us" . Him and me --me and Him --we are in this together . Some times i feel cut off again because of getting too involved in worldly affairs and depression can return but Like a child lost in a who has let go of her father's hand in a crowded fair all I have to do is go back to the eyecenter(the lost and found ) and there he is waiting for me with a big smile . Hence I call it a hard science rather than a belief system . It is a little known fact we all have an "eyecenter " within us and that if we get a good teacher he will instruct us how to develop our ability to hold still there long enough to pass through it and meet there teh Power that created and supports us and consciously reiceved waves of love, light and guidance AND HE DOES NO CHARGE A PENNY --ITS FREE (for more info see https://rssb.org/ebooks.html) But note it does require a living human teacher --to do it on ones own risks being fed false suggestions by ones own diseased mind . So the living human teache ris needed to differentiate between ones own mind and "god' within but Like I said ....the teacher is free....so no need to DIY to save money .It really does solve the problem and any one who can live the discipline ( no meat , no alcohol or street drugs , no stealing or sex out of wedlock , and mediate 2.5 hours a day ) qualifies for free instruction with guaranteed results
I suggest this as a a cheap , discreet alternative to suicide and ones fellow pupils form an excellent support group of cool people . The only catch is the disciplines but if one can do them its a great solution to the problem and usually when one gets desperate enough one finds that they are no big price to pay . I've been doing it since 1982 and have had no relapse --One develops a strong will power by collecting ones attention in the eye center
March 14, 2021
TRIGGER WARNING: Depression, suicide, mental illness
Depression is a mental illness that has been stigmatized by society for centuries, killing so many in the process. It is something that is not talked about enough and is always undermined. Anna Mehler in this book talks about her journey through depression and multiple suicide attempts, how she couldn't figure out why she was depressed, why she just did not want to live anymore, why she felt like a complete failure. She tries to understand the illness, the various treatments that can help manage the symptoms or cure it completely including therapy, pills, and even brain electrocution, the stigma surrounding the illness, and how caregivers can help.
The book is basically Anna's own journey to find a solution to depression but I felt like the book should have come with a major trigger warning. I already knew the subject matter but there were chapters in the book which took a toll on me and I honestly wish I had skipped them over because they were genuinely too graphic for me. Also, she tries to add humor into the mix to make the book more witty (?) but when you're dealing with such fragile matters, maybe the humor shouldn't have been there.. It was subtle but maybe not something that I really like.
Overall, the book was quite nice and educational. I think people who are able to bear the subject matter should read it.
3.5/5
Depression is a mental illness that has been stigmatized by society for centuries, killing so many in the process. It is something that is not talked about enough and is always undermined. Anna Mehler in this book talks about her journey through depression and multiple suicide attempts, how she couldn't figure out why she was depressed, why she just did not want to live anymore, why she felt like a complete failure. She tries to understand the illness, the various treatments that can help manage the symptoms or cure it completely including therapy, pills, and even brain electrocution, the stigma surrounding the illness, and how caregivers can help.
The book is basically Anna's own journey to find a solution to depression but I felt like the book should have come with a major trigger warning. I already knew the subject matter but there were chapters in the book which took a toll on me and I honestly wish I had skipped them over because they were genuinely too graphic for me. Also, she tries to add humor into the mix to make the book more witty (?) but when you're dealing with such fragile matters, maybe the humor shouldn't have been there.. It was subtle but maybe not something that I really like.
Overall, the book was quite nice and educational. I think people who are able to bear the subject matter should read it.
3.5/5
September 19, 2019
I normally don't like personal stories when it comes to mental health stuff. Too overwhelming when I can barely cope with my own issues. But it's been two years since I read this book and while I very much enjoyed it then, what has stuck with me most was the frank, direct way she spoke about her suicide attempts and what happened after those.
It probably stopped me from doing stupid things myself or at the very least, thinking too much about doing stupid things. So yeah, this is a good one.
Also I have always loved the title just because I've said similar things to people over the years and have felt like saying it so much more.
It probably stopped me from doing stupid things myself or at the very least, thinking too much about doing stupid things. So yeah, this is a good one.
Also I have always loved the title just because I've said similar things to people over the years and have felt like saying it so much more.
January 11, 2022
I really wanted to like this book. It had tons of good research, also all the personal accounts were important to hear and there was a lot of advocacy and truths about the mental health system as a whole..
But I couldn't believe how the Author continuously referred to people with mental illnesses as "insane" "crazy" "nuts" "mental retardation" (this one gives me the absolute biggest ICK wow) and more horrible phrases to use when referring to mental illness.
The whole book is about taking away stigma and finding better solutions where the words she is using is littered with stigma and grossly ignorant.
But I couldn't believe how the Author continuously referred to people with mental illnesses as "insane" "crazy" "nuts" "mental retardation" (this one gives me the absolute biggest ICK wow) and more horrible phrases to use when referring to mental illness.
The whole book is about taking away stigma and finding better solutions where the words she is using is littered with stigma and grossly ignorant.
September 24, 2020
I couldn't finish it. I knew from the getgo that it was triggering for people, as it can spark suicide ideas and such, but a domestic abuse joke is crossing the line. The funny thing is, I actually loved it, until the insensitive comment. I related deeply to the character and, must say, that helped me with my own depression; it was comforting to know that others can think and feel the way I can sometimes. I had high hopes for this book, unfortunately.
July 30, 2020
i dont usually rate books which are this close to the genre of memoir; but this is genuinely one of the most well-written, thoroughly-researched accounts of depression and its place in healthcare across a variety of demographics. if you're in the right headspace for this particularly heavy discussion, i'd highly recommend picking this one up
November 27, 2019
Full disclosure: I’m someone who has struggled with severe depression for most of my life. That’s why I was instantly drawn to this book (the title is hilarious!) and why I would give it all the stars if I could! Paperny’s honesty in coming forward with her story of depression and multiple suicide attempts has inspired me to be more honest with my own family and friends about my diagnosis. Mental illnesses are left to thrive and flourish when people stay isolated and alone in their own misery.
In this part memoir/part nonfiction book, Paperny takes the reader through her journey with a mental illness that has left her in despair for many years. She so accurately describes what it feels like to be desperate and lacking a will to live that I found myself highlighting pretty much every section in her book. Her open frankness is what is needed to lessen the stigma surrounding mental disorders, and I greatly admire her ability to share painful details of her experiences dealing with psychiatric hospitals and medical staff.
Paperny’s descriptions of her own suffering would have been enough for me to love and appreciate this book on its own. But it was the in-depth research she included that will make this something I recommend to others. Despite the limitations depression has placed on her, Paperny has crafted an insightful, comprehensive look at how we as a society are failing those with mental illnesses. Because of a lack of funding, misleading drug claims, a general misunderstanding of what it means to have depression, etc., we have let down so many underserved groups of people who truly deserve help.
Living with depression can feel like you’re at the bottom of this dark cave. It’s impossible to crawl out and most of the time, people can’t even hear you if you attempt to shout up to them. I look for anything in this world that can throw even the tiniest bit of light down to me. In this case, Paperny’s book has done just that for me. It has created a space where I don’t feel as alone in this maddening, frustrating condition that consumes my life. I hope Paperny is considering writing more on this topic (perhaps with focuses on other mental health disorders) because I think people need to read her important and significant words. And because I’ll take whatever light I can get.
*Free ARC provided by NetGalley and Random House Canada in exchange for an honest review*
In this part memoir/part nonfiction book, Paperny takes the reader through her journey with a mental illness that has left her in despair for many years. She so accurately describes what it feels like to be desperate and lacking a will to live that I found myself highlighting pretty much every section in her book. Her open frankness is what is needed to lessen the stigma surrounding mental disorders, and I greatly admire her ability to share painful details of her experiences dealing with psychiatric hospitals and medical staff.
Paperny’s descriptions of her own suffering would have been enough for me to love and appreciate this book on its own. But it was the in-depth research she included that will make this something I recommend to others. Despite the limitations depression has placed on her, Paperny has crafted an insightful, comprehensive look at how we as a society are failing those with mental illnesses. Because of a lack of funding, misleading drug claims, a general misunderstanding of what it means to have depression, etc., we have let down so many underserved groups of people who truly deserve help.
Living with depression can feel like you’re at the bottom of this dark cave. It’s impossible to crawl out and most of the time, people can’t even hear you if you attempt to shout up to them. I look for anything in this world that can throw even the tiniest bit of light down to me. In this case, Paperny’s book has done just that for me. It has created a space where I don’t feel as alone in this maddening, frustrating condition that consumes my life. I hope Paperny is considering writing more on this topic (perhaps with focuses on other mental health disorders) because I think people need to read her important and significant words. And because I’ll take whatever light I can get.
*Free ARC provided by NetGalley and Random House Canada in exchange for an honest review*
December 11, 2022
ALL THE TRIGGER WARNINGS
This is not a book everyone should read. I’m going to explain a little about my situation, and why I found it so helpful, and you can decide for yourself.
I am not suicidal. I have never really been suicidal. I have been depressed, but only in circumstances that would pretty much make anyone depressed. I have anxiety and self-esteem issues, but not to the level described in this book.
However, I have a daughter who struggles with almost every issue in the book. She just turned 14, and she has always struggled, but this last year has been, as her mother, to be blunt, a fucking nightmare. She has been in and out of inpatient and residential mental health treatment this entire year. She hasn’t lived at home for more than a few weeks at a time. My insurance coverage for her residential treatment has been exhausted. I have looked into experimental treatments. I have started fundraisers. I have sold everything I can. And still, she wants to be dead.
I am lucky. She talks to me. She tries to explain. I try to understand. We do therapy, both separately and together.
But it is not how my brain works. I don’t think everyone would be better off without me. I don’t want to die.
This book helped me to get in the head of a person with extreme suicidal ideation. I am grateful. Terrified, but grateful. The better I understand, the better my help can be.
The humor here is dark and not for everyone. She calls herself and her fellow patients crazies and nutbars and stuff like that. My daughter and I joke like this, too. Sometimes, you have to to survive. We call her facilities looney buns and insane asylums and grippy sock vacations. Hey, we think it’s funny. 🤷🏻♀️
This is not just a memoir. It also talks about the shitty situation in getting help, insurance issues, that treatment somehow seems stalled, how cost and access and understanding still needs to jump forward light years.
I felt understood in that. Again, I am lucky. I am the one fighting the system and researching facilities and figuring out how to pay. I am lucky because I am not the person who needs this help. It is another full-time job. I am exhausted and depleted by it. But I am not trying to do it as the person who wants to die.
We need to do better. So, so much better. And truly getting what we are up against is the first step. Start here.
This is not a book everyone should read. I’m going to explain a little about my situation, and why I found it so helpful, and you can decide for yourself.
I am not suicidal. I have never really been suicidal. I have been depressed, but only in circumstances that would pretty much make anyone depressed. I have anxiety and self-esteem issues, but not to the level described in this book.
However, I have a daughter who struggles with almost every issue in the book. She just turned 14, and she has always struggled, but this last year has been, as her mother, to be blunt, a fucking nightmare. She has been in and out of inpatient and residential mental health treatment this entire year. She hasn’t lived at home for more than a few weeks at a time. My insurance coverage for her residential treatment has been exhausted. I have looked into experimental treatments. I have started fundraisers. I have sold everything I can. And still, she wants to be dead.
I am lucky. She talks to me. She tries to explain. I try to understand. We do therapy, both separately and together.
But it is not how my brain works. I don’t think everyone would be better off without me. I don’t want to die.
This book helped me to get in the head of a person with extreme suicidal ideation. I am grateful. Terrified, but grateful. The better I understand, the better my help can be.
The humor here is dark and not for everyone. She calls herself and her fellow patients crazies and nutbars and stuff like that. My daughter and I joke like this, too. Sometimes, you have to to survive. We call her facilities looney buns and insane asylums and grippy sock vacations. Hey, we think it’s funny. 🤷🏻♀️
This is not just a memoir. It also talks about the shitty situation in getting help, insurance issues, that treatment somehow seems stalled, how cost and access and understanding still needs to jump forward light years.
I felt understood in that. Again, I am lucky. I am the one fighting the system and researching facilities and figuring out how to pay. I am lucky because I am not the person who needs this help. It is another full-time job. I am exhausted and depleted by it. But I am not trying to do it as the person who wants to die.
We need to do better. So, so much better. And truly getting what we are up against is the first step. Start here.
September 14, 2020
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me // by Anna Mehler Paperny
I have had this one on my TBR list for a while and I hate that it took me this long to get to it because it is a really good book with so many really important messages. I have always liked memoirs that teach me something and this one really blows it out of the water in that aspect. We get to hear a lot about Paperny’s own life of course but she regularly interspersed it with information about depression in general and suicide specifically. The first part of the book was like you would expect a memoir to be in that sense, having that extra information here and there, but later in the book, that switched around: It now was more of a book about suicide with occasional personal experiences mixed it. While I personally loved all of that, it may not be what other people expect from it since it is marketed as just a memoir rather than a non-fiction book about this topic.
She regularly tells us about how she reached out to the people she spoke to for this book and I am blown away at all the research she did to make this as comprehensive and educational as possible. She is a white woman herself and recognizes the privileges that come with that, but that did not stop her from thoroughly researching this topic with a focus on people of color, indigenous communities, and children as well, just to name a few. While I obviously hate that she went through all of this, I still found it very fascinating and loved learning so much about it. I struggle with depression myself and some parts really struck home. While I have never seriously considered suicide myself, it still felt like she was speaking directly to me sometimes. Despite all this serious information from anecdotes, scientific research, authors, and experts, it was presented in a way that was engaging and easily understood. She also has a somewhat dry and morbid sense of humor that lightens up the seriousness here and there.
Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review.
I have had this one on my TBR list for a while and I hate that it took me this long to get to it because it is a really good book with so many really important messages. I have always liked memoirs that teach me something and this one really blows it out of the water in that aspect. We get to hear a lot about Paperny’s own life of course but she regularly interspersed it with information about depression in general and suicide specifically. The first part of the book was like you would expect a memoir to be in that sense, having that extra information here and there, but later in the book, that switched around: It now was more of a book about suicide with occasional personal experiences mixed it. While I personally loved all of that, it may not be what other people expect from it since it is marketed as just a memoir rather than a non-fiction book about this topic.
She regularly tells us about how she reached out to the people she spoke to for this book and I am blown away at all the research she did to make this as comprehensive and educational as possible. She is a white woman herself and recognizes the privileges that come with that, but that did not stop her from thoroughly researching this topic with a focus on people of color, indigenous communities, and children as well, just to name a few. While I obviously hate that she went through all of this, I still found it very fascinating and loved learning so much about it. I struggle with depression myself and some parts really struck home. While I have never seriously considered suicide myself, it still felt like she was speaking directly to me sometimes. Despite all this serious information from anecdotes, scientific research, authors, and experts, it was presented in a way that was engaging and easily understood. She also has a somewhat dry and morbid sense of humor that lightens up the seriousness here and there.
Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review.
September 12, 2019
I think this book should have a trigger warning for suicide. If you are feeling suicidal, this is probably not a book that you should read.
Or, it's not a book that I should have read when I was suicidal.
I think this is more a book about suicide, and suicidal ideation, rather than depression. (The subtitle of the book is "depression in the first person". But suicidal ideation and depression are linked, so here we are.
The author, who is a journalist, starts out by describing her own journey with suicide attempts, her recovery, her medications and so on. Then she jumps into discussing treatment options and depression medications. In this section, I got very angry, because the author really reveals how little $$$, effort and research is given to mental illness. She also talks about stigma, and mental illness in terms of poverty, sexuality, gender, and race. She looks into suicide in indigenous communities. Her personal journey is woven throughout her examination.
Mehler Paperny is a good journalist, and a good interviewer. She does a great job of sharing information in this book, and I learned a lot. It was very, very hard for me to read because there are a lot of graphic depictions of suicide. I hope that doesn't turn people away from the book. She also practices responsible reporting, and gives a holistic, well-rounded view of the issue.
The book also contains numbers for help lines, and additional information.
This book was really well-done. I'm glad it was written, and I do recommend it.
Or, it's not a book that I should have read when I was suicidal.
I think this is more a book about suicide, and suicidal ideation, rather than depression. (The subtitle of the book is "depression in the first person". But suicidal ideation and depression are linked, so here we are.
The author, who is a journalist, starts out by describing her own journey with suicide attempts, her recovery, her medications and so on. Then she jumps into discussing treatment options and depression medications. In this section, I got very angry, because the author really reveals how little $$$, effort and research is given to mental illness. She also talks about stigma, and mental illness in terms of poverty, sexuality, gender, and race. She looks into suicide in indigenous communities. Her personal journey is woven throughout her examination.
Mehler Paperny is a good journalist, and a good interviewer. She does a great job of sharing information in this book, and I learned a lot. It was very, very hard for me to read because there are a lot of graphic depictions of suicide. I hope that doesn't turn people away from the book. She also practices responsible reporting, and gives a holistic, well-rounded view of the issue.
The book also contains numbers for help lines, and additional information.
This book was really well-done. I'm glad it was written, and I do recommend it.
July 28, 2021
This is incredible. Anna Mehler Paperny makes herself completely vulnerable in this heavy book about her multiple suicide attempts, psychiatric hospital stays, and experiences with a rainbow of medications and treatments. But the meat of Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me is her journalistic work on how the medical field does a disservice to psychiatric patients. She interviews practitioners, scientists, and fellow mentally ill humans to get the full scope of the impact depression and suicide has on the world—and why we feel like we aren’t supposed to openly talk about it.
A note: Please do not pick up this book until you’re in a strong, healthy mental state.
✨ From Ugh, Mental Health and the Internet at Crooked Reads.
A note: Please do not pick up this book until you’re in a strong, healthy mental state.
✨ From Ugh, Mental Health and the Internet at Crooked Reads.
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