Agile в семье. 200 смелых и свежих идей

by Bruce Feiler

«Agile в семье» могла бы быть чистым пособием формата «7 шагов к идеальной семье», но нет, книга не совсем такова. И, скорее всего, не стоит покупать ее как инструкцию, с помощью которой вы превратите свою семью в безупречно работающий механизм. Да и вряд ли семья когда-то сможет им стать. Брюс Фейлер собрал самые разные семейные истории и постарался найти для множества сложных ситуаций свои сценарии.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Family, Audiobook, Relationships, Marriage

Paperback

First published February 19, 2013

About the author

BRUCE FEILER is one of America’s most popular voices on contemporary life. He is the author of six consecutive New York Times bestsellers; the presenter of two prime-time series on PBS; and the inspiration for the drama COUNCIL OF DADS on NBC. Bruce’s two TED Talks have been viewed more than two million times. Employing a firsthand approach to his work, Bruce is known for living the experiences he writes about. His work combines timeless wisdom with timely knowledge turned into practical, positive messages that allow people to live with more meaning, passion, and joy. His new book, LIFE IS IN THE TRANSITIONS: Mastering Change at Any Age, describes his journey across America, collecting hundreds of life stories, exploring how we can navigate the growing number of life transitions with greater purpose and skill.

For more than a decade, Bruce has explored the intersection of families, relationships, health, and happiness. His book THE SECRETS OF HAPPY FAMILIES collects best practices from some of the country’s most creative minds. The book was featured on World News, GMA, and TODAY and excerpted in the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, and Parade. THE COUNCIL OF DADS describes how, faced with one of life’s greatest challenges, he asked six friends to support his young daughters. The book was profiled in PEOPLE, USA Today, and Time and was the subject of a CNN documentary hosted by Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

Since 2001, Bruce has been one of the country’s preeminent thinkers about the role of spirituality in contemporary life. WALKING THE BIBLE describes his 10,000-mile journey retracing the Five Books of Moses through the desert. (“An instant classic,” Washington Post). The book spent a year and a half on the New York Times bestseller list and has been translated into fifteen languages.

ABRAHAM recounts his search for the shared ancestor of the monotheistic religions. (“Exquisitely written,” Boston Globe). WHERE GOD WAS BORN describes his trek visiting biblical sites throughout Israel, Iraq, and Iran. (“Bruce Feiler is a real-life Indiana Jones,” Atlanta Journal-Constitution). AMERICA’S PROPHET is the groundbreaking story of the influence of Moses on American history. THE FIRST LOVE STORY is a journey across four continents exploring how Adam and Eve shaped our deepest feelings about relationships. (“A miraculous thing—the literary equivalent of breathing new life into a figure of clay,” New York Times Book Review; “Feiler’s best work yet,” Publishers Weekly).

A native of Savannah, Georgia, Bruce lives in Brooklyn with wife, Linda Rottenberg, and their identical twin daughters.

Reviews

[Kathleen (Kat) Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have a family more than likely you have heard of the term, the Sandwich Generation. This is what society is defining the lifestyle most of us are living or will be living soon. If you have children still living with you or children that had once left that are back living at home as well as taking care of aging parents living with you, welcome to the term, Sandwich Generation.

No longer are adults looking forward to the Empty Nest, because it seems like children are returning as well as parents in what some have called Life Boating. A way to make it through life now, that was unheard of before. Whether for economic reasons or simply as a temporary situation, the way we were raised has now changed to incorporate this changing lifestyle. Technology has advanced to the point that physical exercise is now just walking to the car and back as you run errands for now. Take for example you latest family get together whether its just dinner or a holiday celebration, tension is now common place for most. We see our families falling apart more than appearing strong than ever before. Where did the change begin that makes us wonder just how dysfunctional are families really are? What is the secret sauce that holds families together? What are the ingredients that make some families effective, resilient, functioning, happy?

Maybe it's because those problems are gnarlier. Navigating nap time is child's play compared to navigating screen time. How do you teach your kids discipline while making sure they have fun along the way? Is it possible to develop timeless values in a 24/7 world that prizes novelty and coarseness? How do couples find time to nurture each other while spending so much time nurturing our kids? These days, the old rules no longer apply, but new ones have yet to be written.

So Bruce Feiler introduces some interesting concepts to delving into these questions in his latest book, The Secrets to Happy Families. In it, he realized that most of the ideas have been hiding in plain sight. He took a course from the founder of the Harvard Negotiation Project on how to fight smart. He visited ESPN to find out what the best coaches know about building successful teams. He worked with Green Berets to design a perfect family reunion. He got some advice from Warren Buffet's banker about how to set up an allowance, and sat down with top games designers in the Silicon Valley to see how we can make family vacations more fun.

I have to say I was a bit skeptical at first have a strong Christian background that some of the ideas may not be for everyone. Using the TV Series, Modern Family as his model for the new dynamics for families, he shows that no matter what is happening in the show, they always come together before the end. I don't think life is quite that simple. But nonetheless I gave some of his ideas a shot and was surprised by the outcome of establishing family meetings once a week and how the suggestions he provides has made living together with adult children returning to our home once again a fully functioning and do I dare say it? Happy? Yes, our meetings have been a huge success, and not only that every single member feels empowered and we are teaching them valuable life skills they will take into their future careers in effective team leadership, negotiating and building winning teams all with positive thinking.

There are such valuable insights based on the diversity of the research Bruce Feiler has completed and while not everything will work for everyone, this has been one of the first book's I've read that really got me excited to try out these new dynamics within my own family and still incorporate our traditions and biblical values alongside them. I received The Secrets to Happy Families by Bruce Feiler compliments of William Morrow, a division of Harper Collins Publishers for my honest review and have to give this one a high 5 out of 5 stars!!! There is truly something in here for everyone and you don't have to read it from front to back and simply move to the areas that may be causing some chaos in your own home. Either way, I think this is a must read book for today's ever-evolving family!

[Nancy Kennedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mr. Feiler's book is like no parenting book, or marriage book, or self-improvement book you've ever read. It's a combination of the three, and more. He examines what makes families functional and happy through the lens of business principles. He draws some really interesting and practical advice from his inquiries.

For example: Get rid of tired old concepts like the family dinner or date nights. Forget all you've ever heard about how to fight fair. Create a mission statement and a unique brand for your family. Employ checklist theories used in emergency rooms to improve your vacations. Look to the Green Berets to plan better family reunions. He even talks about how to rearrange your furniture to better serve your family's emotional needs and how to behave on the sidelines of your child's sporting event.

Mr. Feiler doesn't just spew dry facts from research papers. He seeks out the experts whose ideas he wants to crib for the family and meets with them one-on-one. He interviews Warren Buffet's banker on how to give kids allowances; he talks with Gary Chapman about his bestselling marriage book The Five Love Languages; he sits down with David Starr to talk about bringing the so-called "agile practices" of business into the family sphere. I appreciate that he acknowledges that many families want to incorporate spirituality and morality into their infrastructure. "Family values" aren't something to scoff at or snicker about in this book.

When you think of the current state of your family -- haphazard? chaotic? a battle zone? -- it could be dispiriting to read this book all in one sitting. The book is chock full of practical ways to build and maintain a happy family. But, take heart, you don't need to apply it all at once. But you do need to be willing to -- as he says in the very last sentence -- "Try."

[Jack Cheng · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are interested in this genre of happiness studies or self-help for families, this is the book to read. I was prepared to hate it, but the author's voice is clear, friendly and self-deprecating, and he's not at all pushy. In fact, this is basically a Cliff notes (sorry, Spark notes) summary of all those other books you thought you were going to read. But Feiler has no agenda except to learn useful tips so he gets the memorable anecdote and advice from an expert and then moves on. Instead of reading 300 pages on how to keep your kids from fighting, read Feiler's 5 pages. Instead of reading multiple books on how to communicate with your spouse, you've got a chapter here.

Of course, if you want to learn more about one of these subjects, the references are there. Also, just for the record, from the names I recognized, I thought Feiler did a good job of finding credible academic experts.

If you look at my books read, I write a lot of reviews but rarely give stars. I only 5 star books that I can whole heartedly recommend, otherwise, what's the point? This book gets 5.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Normally, I'm not a fan of this self-help genre. It often covers families that are too wealthy, too self-involved, and too unlike my own family. Bruce Feiler's "The Secrets of Happy Families" avoids cliches, questions popular theories, and asks successful professionals how they applied their expertise to their families. The result is completely accessible, no B.S., practical advice that any family could put to use right away.

The anecdotes from Feiler's own family and from the families he profiled are heartwarming, heartbreaking, and any reader will be able to draw parallels to his/her own life. The theories come not from academia, but from tested and proven methods used in real families to handle real situations.

Feiler also addresses the modifications and even failures of the application of the ideas from the book. He describes how families took the failed attempts, modified the advice to fit the unique needs of their family unit and brought genuine togetherness. The only true failure is giving up.

This book is not about vacations, therapy, a new organizational strategy, buying more books, or even about spending more time together. This book gives readers the tools to take the family they have and enhance the family experiences and make the time they have together richer and deeper.

This book is highly recommended to all readers.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read literally dozens of books about raising children, and almost all of them have provided me with at least one or two ideas to help our family function more smoothly. The Secrets of Happy Families, on the other hand, was a veritable treasure trove of great ideas. Grouped under three major headings ("Adapt All the Time", "Talk. A Lot", and "Go Out & Play"), and backed up by the latest research and science, these are simple, actionable steps anyone can take to improve any family.

Just as some people are blessed with greater musical talents or have an easier time grasping complex mathematical concepts than others, some people are born with a gift for parenting, for nurturing and raising children well.

I am not one of them. It does not come naturally to me.

Parenting is hard work any way you slice it. And I think it's made harder by the odd expectation that if you're a generally good person who means well, loves his or her children, and doesn't intentionally abuse them, you'll automatically know how best to handle every parenting situation, your children will be well-behaved and obedient, roses will bloom beneath your feet, and life will be a bliss complete. (Oh, how I hate that song!)

Parenting is a skill, a vitally important one if you have children, and one that should be approached with at least as much care and planning as any other. When I decided I was going to learn how to can, I didn't just wing it. All sorts of bad things can happen if you try: spoiled food, exploding glass jars, botulism, death. So I asked people who already knew what they were doing to help me. My mom, my mother-in-law, several friends from church, all were happy to share their expertise. I gathered information from reputable sources: books, websites, videos. When the sources disagreed, I looked for more information, selected the method I thought was most likely to succeed based on my research and the experience of those who had tried before, and then I tried it myself. There have been a few mishaps, but on the whole my canning experiences have been positive and successful.

I have a similar approach to parenting. I ask other people about their experiences and share mine. I read. A lot. Then I try to put some of what I've learned into practice. We've tried out several of the suggestions in The Secrets of Happy Families and they've been enlightening. Let's just talk about one: weekly family meetings.

To read the rest of this review, visit Build Enough Bookshelves.

[Lil · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots of great ideas to be used as suits your family. We have adopted the family meeting and it seems to be a hit. I'll refer back to this book in the future.

[Mary · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was troubled when I read the introduction and Feiler blithely said that he was going to dismiss the psychologists and the therapists (except for a sex therapist) in this one. It's the kind of anti-intellectualism that sometimes trickles into journalism and often pervades parenting advice. Instead, Feiler goes to those classic sources of dude-authority: business, military and sports leaders. Much of this is quite sensible and enjoyable--make a morning-task sticker chart, articulate a family mission statement, learn each other's love languages, and focus on being your kid's sports cheerleader rather than manager--even if it isn't particularly novel.

The winner bits of this book focus on new ways to help kids, especially in the middle-childhood years Feiler focuses on, feel empowered to contribute to their families. Family meetings where parents don't just scold kids for what they aren't doing, but where kids and parents both get to talk about the strengths and weaknesses and goals of that week. Asking kids to describe their ideal home and taking concrete steps--from letting them paint their room to assigning them chores--to help them to form it. It can come across a bit like a corporate retreat to ask your kids to write down 10 words or phrases describing their dream home, but the underlying idea, that tweens can and should provide valuable input to their families, is one often lacking in the American parenting landscape.

What bothered me, however, was the intensity and regimentation of the parenting advocated. Feiler, who made his career in doing what a generous critic would call "experiments" and what a cynical one would call "stunts," goes all in with all sorts of schemes based on some connection with his informants. After spending time with the developers of games like FarmsVille and Words with Friends, he advocates gamifying family vacations into point-generating "grinds", and after observing a militaristic obstacle race, he trumpets the benefits of extended-family competitions at family reunions. One wonders if enjoyment and family togetherness might be achieved without explicit competition and whether such over-manufacturing of kids' experiences might take their tolls on both parents who (unlike Feiler) must concoct them in their spare time and kids who must endure them. After all, families might not need an organized GoRuck scavenger hunt or regimented boot camp to overcome difficulties, challenge strength, and confront risk together--the old-fashioned family DIY renovation has plenty of all that, for instance. Who has time to not just make dinner, but also ensure that "To reduce fights during mealtime, siblings spend at least twenty minutes beforehand engaged in a joint activity that reaffirms their connection" (113)? And what is that? And how do you keep them from fighting while they're engaging in that joint activity?

The artificiality of the schemes seems to often be at cross purposes to the endeavor of raising future adults. Take, for instance, Feiler's schedule for a rotating regimen of dinner-time educational games, including (I am not making this up) Thesaurus Thursday. What's so wrong with learning to make conversation like a normal? I have a dark premonition of his daughters' first dinner dates: "It's so nice to meet you. Now, let's alternate forming sentences that all start with the same letter!"

Some kids, like some adults, will like these kinds of schemes with their predictable occurrence, clear rules, and competition. And if you and your family are among of them, by all means, enjoy the prep work for such schemes along with their enactment. But if you aren't, if you think it's okay for kids to quietly draw in their notebooks in the airport terminal rather than asking strangers for information to rack up points or if you prefer to build Saturday morning traditions of waffles and watching cartoons together than having family bootcamp, maybe you can have a happy family, too. Because, aside from the open communication and seeking and offering forgiveness--you know, that stuff the psychologists and therapists peddle--, perhaps happy families can be as different from one another as the unhappy ones. And maybe that's the secret.

[Jason Magill · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some interesting ideas in this book. I've even implemented a couple of them. The reasons I didn't give this book a higher rating are due to the following paragraphs found in the introduction.

"In the course of this research, I also encountered a shocking array of outdated advice and ill-informed recommendations, and this book became something of a crusade against a few fashionable trends.
The first is the family improvement industry. Of the nearly two hundred books I read, the ones by therapists, counselors, child-rearing experts, or other traditional "authorities" on family life were by far the least helpful. It's not that they were poorly written. It's that they seemed tired and out-of-date. The questions they asked seemed retread from thirty or even forty years ago; the answers seemed stale. A century after Freud, this once-innovative field seems to offer few original ideas."

"The second trend is the happiness movement. Anyone who's stepped into a bookstore or scanned the Internet in recent years knows a new field emerged in the early twenty-first century called positive psychology. Pioneered by a group of visionary scholars, the movement shifted attention away from the long-standing focus on individuals with mental illness or other pathologies and concentrated on high-functioning individuals and what the rest of us could learn from them. The field exploded, and I, like many, have learned a tremendous amount from this exciting literature."

As a therapist, I don't appreciate the author taking this "cool guy" attitude toward an entire empirically supported field of study only to imply that positive psychology, barely over 20 years old with little empirical data and extremely commercialized, has the answers to fix families. I would also like to point out what must be the author's general attitude toward mental health where he wrote, "Pioneered by a group of visionary scholars, the movement shifted attention away from the long-standing focus on individuals with mental illness or other pathologies and concentrated on high-functioning individuals and what the rest of us could learn from them." I'm not sure if he intentionally meant to create such a separation of mentally ill and others, but that's what I get from this passage.

I'm not sure why the author decided to make these distinctions about psychology/positive psychology and mental illness/high-functioning other than to support that "cool guy bunks decades of supported research for mainstream think positive thoughts commercialism to fix your family" facade. Had he stated that mental illness health is on a spectrum or added the contributions psychology has made to family improvement or didn't talk with a single psychologist in the book (after basically denouncing the field of psychology), I wouldn't have been almost instantly turned off to the book. Again, those paragraphs were in the introduction. He could have simply stated he feels positive psychology has some great insights into fixing some typical family problems without speaking ill of, "...therapists, counselors, child-rearing experts, or other traditional "authorities" on family life."

[Jackie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had a rather unconventional childhood, with parents that became parents at the age of 16 and 18, but didn't have me until 17 years after my youngest brother was born. I was always fascinated with other peolpe's families--the one's where all the kids are kids at the same time. I guess I'm still trying to figure how families like that work. Or don't. Feiler started got the idea for this book during a rough patch in his own family life, which involved his wife and young twin daughters. He's done what he's always done when writing about the topic--epic and years long research. But this time, he convinced his family to join him in experiments (at varying levels of cooperation and enthusiasm, as you might suspect). Looking beyond psychologists and family therapists, he took his research to some unlikely places to learn about improving family dynamics: Silicon Valley, the Green Berets, Warren Buffet's bankers to name only a few. He says, " I set out to write an anti-parenting parenting book." It's all about trying new things, working together, shifting power and generally trying to be a team. It's often funny and always highly interesting. I even picked up a few ideas for making things better in some non-family group situations I'm involved in, so I do not consider this book to be for parents only. I think everyone can learn quite a bit from this book, and I happily urge you to read it.

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

... this may be the most enduring lesson of all. What's the secret to being a happy family? Try.

I loved this book. Aside from getting some interesting, out-of-the-box tips on navigating parental life, I loved this book because it didn't make me feel like I was buggered before I even started.

As parents today, I feel like all we get from the "experts" is hand-wringing over how the world we live in is basically toxic in every way to children- how we're basically screwed. Social media, screen time, obesity, bullying, body image, over-scheduling, competitive sports, hovering, free-reign parenting, GMOs, BPA, ADHD - the deck is stacked against us.

Aside from deciding to live under a rock with no electricity, home-school and grow your own food, what can we do?

Here's a Dad who wanted to find some ways to make his family life happier and run more smoothly- doing so within the real world that we all inhabit. Taking some old fashioned notions that are still valuable and applying them to realistic modern lives.

The best tip from the whole book- "Try."

[Torrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love that this was a "family" book rather than a "parenting" book (because they're definitely not the same thing!).

Some key takeaways:

1) Tell more stories about our own history and about our family's and ancestors' history;
2) Talking to kids about sex should no longer be "The Talk" but a long series of conversations over many years;
3) Building challenges and teamwork into vacations and family reunions is almost a guaranteed way to make them both more fun and more unifying;
4) Building a great family isn't going to happen by accident; it needs to be something you're focused and actively working on regularly, which is why a weekly family meeting can be really powerful.

Side note: This would be a fascinating book to discuss with a book club.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I truly love this book and how it is written to give ideas about ways to improve happiness which families are the main source of happiness. I only disagreed with the chapter discussing talking to your children about sex. I totally agree that parents need to embrace the conversation and make it a series it conversation rather than just “the talk” but I disagree that birth control is the huge bandaid fix. Talking about fertility holistically is the way to go. How woman’s bodies work and ways to embrace them. That’s what I’ll be doing with my family.

[Melinda Borda · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book that tackles some of the best practices to make family life run smoothly. Bruce Feiler discusses everything from creating a family mission statement to direct the habits and goals of a family to how to argue and disagree in a healthy way. He discusses some of the relevant research and he talks to some of the best-studied authors and speakers on the topics he discusses. Each chapter is full of examples and suggestions on how to make changes--some small, some big--to impact the happiness of family life.

I appreciated this book because essentially every chapter had some changes that I want to make for our family. Some of those changes are small, like how to talk to my children when they disobey family rules. The suggestions he makes for bringing children into family discussions and setting up family rules *together* made a lot of sense to me. Even as I have made some slight changes in how I talk to my kids, I've seen the value in the suggestions Bruce Feiler made. Then there's a whole chapter on how to write a family mission statement. Feiler gives lots of suggestions and how-tos, but what intrigued me the most was how he talked about the positive difference a family vision statement made in his family. It was easy for him and his wife to point back to the vision statement to teach life lessons or redirect family conversations. In another chapter, Feiler talked about how to have family conversations around the best parts of an individual family life while also letting everyone talk about ways they'd like to improve family life.

Ultimately I think this book could be boiled down to hints, tricks, and suggestions for making sure each and every member of the family--parents and children--are involved in setting goals and vision for the family as well as offering suggestions for improvement. This book isn't overwhelming with a pie-in-the-sky ideal that seems practically unattainable. It's doable for the average family.

[Elaine Kessler · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this to be a very easy and enjoyable read. I don't care much for Feiler's religious bias and don't buy into it entirely. It is evident he makes an effort to temper his beliefs which I appreciate. Many of the take aways are exciting and novel strategies that I'm looking forward to trying out. We've already begun implementing a few of them: having a belief board, having potentially difficult conversations on cushioned seats, sharing family narratives, speaking more candidly about our bodies and sex, practicing being curious about each other's point of view. I think this book serves anyone interested in investing in ANY familial framework, biological or not. The suggestions are broad enough to be applied in a variety of contexts but are specifically tailored for the family unit. After reading this book, I'm left excited and inspired.

[Hana Bilqisthi · Rating 5 out of 5]

That moment when you found a book that you want (dream) to read and write at the same time :D
Alhamdulillah bersyukur bisa baca buku ini :D
“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
Ternyata ada kemiripan keluarga-keluarga yang bahagia
Mereka percaya kebahagian adalah sesuatu yang mereka buat sendiri, bukan sesuatu yang mereka cari.
Buku ini memberikan tips menjadi keluarga bahagia beserta hasil penelitian yang mendukung.

Keluarga yang bahagia beradaptasi setiap saat karena perubahan itu pasti.
Mereka juga suka ngobrol mengenai banyak hal
Liburan, bermain dan melakukan banyak aktivitas bersama
:D
masih banyak hal lainnya :D

hana suka 13 bab di buku ini tapi paling suka bagian bab 3 tentang the power of family mission statement :D

[Jacqueline · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm such a sucker for anything practical, so I loved the rubber-meets-the-road qualities of this book. Not every idea in it appealed to me; but then, the author admits from the beginning that readers will need to pick and choose what will work in their own families.

This wasn't a MUST-READ, recommend-to-all-my-friends type of book, but there were some solid ideas in here that I'm going to attempt to implement in my family, so I think it's worth reading. I'm not sure it'll make us happier, per se (I already think of us as a pretty happy family), but it might make things run more smoothly around here.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was a little leery of this book because its a few years old, and I also tend to not love parenting self help books. However, I found this book to be extremely relevant and fresh. He not only covered area involving kids; but couples, extended family, and aging parents. Most areas covered provided tips and strategies that could easily be applied to everyday life in many different situations. I enjoyed his research style and curiosity as he tested different theories on his own family. It made everything relatable. After reading I feel reenergized and excited to put some of these suggestions to test. It’s a book I wish I would read years ago.

[Gail · Rating 3 out of 5]

Let’s start with what “The Secrets of Happy Families” does well: Bruce Feiler looks at parenthood through a new lens as just another organizational and relational task that shares similarities with others - like running a company, coaching athletics, or maintaining a partnership - and then imports proven techniques from those arenas to make familyhood a more successful affair.

His approach produces a handful of intriguing concepts:

“In many ways, agile is part of the larger trend in society toward decentralizing power. . . . A similar evolution has been happening in families for decades, as power has shifted from the exclusive domain of fathers to include mothers and, increasingly, children.”

“[W]hat agile accomplishes is to accept that disorder and order live alongside each other. By acknowledging things will go wrong, then introducing a system to address those wrongs, you increase the odds that the system - in this case the family - can work right.” When you “worry less about eliminating the negatives and focus more on maximizing the positives,” you end up happier.

“[C]hildren who have the most balance and self-confidence in their lives do so because of . . . a strong ‘intergenerational self.’ They know they belong to something bigger than themselves.”

“[A] list of the qualities successful families share . . . Communication. Encouragement of individuals. Commitment to the family. Religious/spiritual well-being. Social connectedness. Adaptability. Appreciativeness. Clear roles. Time together.”

“The challenge, Nass said, is that the human brain is not designed to process constructive criticism. ‘The criticism part always trumps the constructive part,’ he said. As soon as we hear something critical, our brain is designed to do something. We either fight back or flee. ‘But that’s exactly the wrong thing to do with your mother-in-law,’ he said.”

“[A]ctivities that give us durable happiness are the ones we have a hand in creating.”

“Happiness is not something we find; it’s something we make. All the researchers who’ve examined well-run organizations, championship teams, or successful groups of any kind have come to pretty much the same conclusion. Greatness is not a matter of circumstance; greatness is a matter of choice. And the best way to make that choice is to take microsteps. . . a commitment to making incremental changes and accumulating ‘small wins.’”

He also recaps big insights from other fields like the following:

“‘[P]rincipled negotiation’ . . . is based on a five-step process: Isolate your emotions. Go to the balcony. Step to their side. Don’t reject, reframe. Build them a golden bridge.”

In order to have difficult conversations: “1. First, be curious about the other side’s story. . . . 2. Tell your own story second. . . . 3. Create a third story together. . . . 4. Remember, this is not the last story you’ll tell together.”

Successfully lend one another support by understanding that we each have “different styles of expressing and receiving affection [known as] ‘the five love languages’ . . . 1. Words of affirmation. . . . 2. Gifts. . . . 3. Acts of service. . . . 4. Quality time. . . . 5. Physical touch.”

Still on the positive side, most readers will come away with quite a few techniques to try at home:

“[H]aving weekly family meetings increased communication, improved productivity, lowered stress, and made everyone much happier to ‘be part of the family team.’” Try starting with three questions: “1. What things went well in our family this week? 2. What things could we improve in our family? 3. What things will you commit to working on this week?”

“The [family] chart was divided into three columns: STUFF TO DO, THINGS IN PROGRESS, THINGS DONE.”

“[Create a s]elf-directed morning checklist [for the kids].”

Feel free to “move[] ‘family dinner’ to ‘family breakfast’ . . . . ‘Instead of feeling guilty because you don’t have the six o’clock thing, . . . it’s about coming together as a family whenever you have the time.’’’

“Aim for ten minutes of quality talk per meal. . . . Let your kids speak at least half the time. . . . Teach your kids one new word every meal.”

Since “the most important points in any argument can be found in the opening minutes,” you should make heated conversations short.

Be mindful of posture and posturing. “[Eye rolling isn’t] the only thing that conveys disrespect: Shifting in your seat, sighing, and stiffening your neck do, too. By contrast, the best ways to ease a tense conversation are to lean forward, smile a lot, and nod your head. . . . [P]ower poses include putting your feet up, looming over a table, lacing your fingertips behind your neck, or holding something rigid, like a clipboard. . . . Everybody in a meaningful conversation should sit at the same level, with the same posture.”

“We require our girls to divide their money into four pots: 1. Spend. . . . 2. Save. . . . 3. Give away. . . . 4. Share.”

“Granny Rules . . . 1. Your house, your rules; our house, our rules. . . . 2. You’re allowed to say what you want, as long as you’re not offended if we don’t take your advice. . . . 3. Grandparent our children; don’t parent them.”

Use scavenger hunts and games (e.g., “Throw out a statement, ‘I’m thinking of a time when we went to a place . . . All you can ask is yes or no questions. Go!’”) to pass the time while traveling.

Despite pulling together all these helpful and interesting tidbits, “The Secrets of Happy Families” fell short for me. The tone throughout (but particularly in the introduction) seemed a little glib, like a frat boy discussing the whole dad thing with a sort of slacker-pride. There also wasn’t much in the way of parenting theory. Lots of the tips are ones that successfully produce desired behavior from kids but in ways that are controversial. (For example, Feiler writes, “[P]eople are more driven to avoid losses than to achieve gains,” and tells his daughters, “‘Here is five dollars. If you add three vegetables this month, you get to keep it. If you don’t, you have to give it back.’” He presents this strategy as a happy family "secret" mentioning nothing about different schools of thought on exerting control over kids’ decision-making in this way.) For that reason - as well as the enormity of the undertaking - the book feels like a random grab bag of “stuff Bruce Feiler thinks works great” rather than an objective examination of the path to familial happiness.

In sum, “The Secrets of Happy Families” contains plenty of information that might help your family members feel more happy; but in many ways it’s like talking to a happily married friend rather than a couples counselor: she’ll have some great ideas, but neither the breadth of knowledge nor the focus needed to give you all the answers.

[Farrah · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. A light, enjoyable read for the most part but not sure I took away any major changes that I plan to implement though I think part of the problem is that I may have just read too many kid/family/parenting books lately and overall feel a bit overwhelmed by all the suggestions. Here are some good takeaways or interesting tidbits though:

"The number one thing parents should avoid after a game is deconstructing mistakes...Ask your child for three things they remember about the game and then tell them three things you remember. If your kid mentions something negative, respond with a 'You're the kind of person who' statement. 'Sure, you didn't get a hit, but I want you to know, one of the reasons I like you is you're the kind of person who doesn't give up easily or keeps practicing until you get it right.' It's this kind of reinforcement that builds esteem and the conversation on the way home isn't about feeling negative, it's about feeling positive."

Scientific studies have shown a persistent connection between religiosity and happy families. The more committed families are to a religious or spiritual tradition, the happier they are. Studies in 2008 and 2011 showed that mothers who attend religious services weekly are happier than those who do not and men who regularly attend religious services have happier marriages and are more likely to be involved with their children. The most comprehensive study ever done on this topic found that what religion you practice or however close you feel to God makes no difference in your overall life satisfaction. What matters is the number of friends you have in your religious community. Ten is the magic number; if you have that many, you'll be happier. Religious people, in other words, are happier because they feel connected to a community of like-minded people.

When siblings between the ages of 3 and 7 are together, they clash an average of 3.5 times per hour, with those fights lasting a total of 10 minutes out of every 60.

[Nicki · Rating 4 out of 5]

I generally don't like self-help books; I usually find them too general to be of much use or so full of acronyms that I can't remember what they're actually talking about. This book was a pleasant surprise! Instead of rehashing the same familiar studies about families, the author pulled from many different disciplines to illustrate principles that can applied to families. For example, he used knowledge from corporate image building to demonstrate why families should have a family motto. He turned to the military for ideas on unity and team building. The thing I loved most of all is that he says every family is different - there is no one prescribed way to build a happy family, and in fact your family's methods of happiness will need to change as the circumstances and ages of your family change. I came away with a lot of ideas of how to strengthen my family. Great book.

[Brittney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Audiobook. I have pages and pages of notes for fun family ideas. My favorite thoughts are about conversations at dinner and playing together.

[Ashley Jane Barlow · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has a lot of great insights into improving family life. I especially loved the chapter about talking to your kids about sex, the chapter about sports, and the chapter about family vacations. This book is perfect for families that have school aged children so in many ways this book just really doesn't apply to my family right now. I hope to reread this book in 10 years.

[Jill Urie · Rating 4 out of 5]

For the most part I didn’t feel like it was just a rehash of the same old concepts. There were some really interesting and unique ideas in here.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this might be a bit hokey, but I found there to be a lot of practical and easy-to-implement advice.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book! Feiler compiles research on various topics - conflict management/negotiation, allowances/financial management - and looks at how we can apply proven tactics from non-parenting/family domains of knowledge to improve how we function within our families. I especially liked that Feiler applied research findings to interactions between spouses and other family members, and not just for interacting with children.

I listened to this book, and I think I'll pick up the hard copy for reference. We've already put into place one minor adjustment from the book.

[Sharlie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The concepts and helpful ideas were simple, manageable and hopefully will be sustainable 🤞🏽

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I liked:
-The author had a very genuine way about getting his point across. It felt like he really wanted to KNOW.
-Input and personal stories from people who matter. In other words, he's not a Dr. constantly interrupting the narrative with patient A, B or C and their own inspirational stories in their own personal words or an expert mom or PHd. or what have you adding similar stories interrupting from other mommies and daddies they've helped/known, etc. This kind of thing drives me crazy and I ALWAYS skip over it... it's just an obstacle to the good stuff (sometimes the mediocre stuff) and I don't find it helpful. Maybe that's just me. The author only asked people in the know for input.
-It felt very current. I often read parenting books that are excellent (and that's why they are still around) but they feel very dated. Feiler referenced several current books, events, media, etc. which will inevitably BECOME dated. But at the moment they are not. Hooray.
-I liked his stance on being anti-list. Sometimes I get really tired of all of the on-line LISTS. "Four things you are doing that are making your kids entitled","10 things you should do to increase your kids empathy" blah blah blah. Still, they always suck me in- 'cause, ya know,I might miss something mind-blowing. Lists, arghhh.
-I liked how he begins by saying that even though you might not love all of the ideas in this book you should be able to pick and choose strategies that will work for you and get some new ideas (but he says it ever so much more eloquently) and you will most likely increase your happiness (again, with the eloquence) because this is what I do with parenting books. I take what I want and leave the rest. and Voila! Happiness! Clearly.

What I didn't like:
-I listened to this and the author (yes, the author read it *sigh*) had that quality in his voice where it sounds like there is a ball of spit in the back of his throat. I'm sure he is a very nice person but I had to get over this. Word to the wise- double time helped the problem a bit.
-At the beginning he totally had me- we were chugging along singing our song. Then towards the end he lost me a little. There was the whole section on family vacations that wasn't really for me (I think I've got them mastered *blows a puff of air onto nails, buffs to a shine*) and I had to choke down my envy when he started talking "Swiss Alps" and "Mexico" ("what?!?! Did you say you've got FOUR kids! my, you've got your hands full." Yeah, like I've never heard that before).
-It got a little repetitive in the end as well, then again maybe I just inadvertently hit the little circling arrows spot on my phone that makes the chapters repeat... and then inadvertently hit it again... hmmm.

Downsides be d@m^ed, all in all this was a very worthwhile read.

[Tryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author wanted to find out if Tolstoy was right: Are all happy families the same? He set out to identify the secrets to happy families, but to do so he went to unconventional sources. He didn't want his book to be a rehash of all the other family self-help books out there, so he did not turn to professional family therapists and marriage counselors. He looked to people who are successful in their businesses, communities, and churches, people from many different walks of life, and interviewed them to find out what works in their families. What skills from their professions do they translate into family life? What practices are actually working for them at home? He talked to and observed these people and their families to see the principles in action. Then he tried the ideas out on his own family and reported on the results. His approach makes for a fascinating read, kind of a discovery-application text. In that sense, it reminds me of The Omnivore's Dilemma or The Happiness Project. Research personally applied. The book is basically a report on Feiler's research and experimentation. I like the far-ranging scope of his research and the anecdotes about his family's reactions to his experimentation.

Another unique aspect of the book is the multi-generational emphasis. Bruce looks at topics as they apply to children, adults, and even extended family. For example, in the sex chapter he discusses how to teach children about sex, how adults can find more sexual fulfillment in marriage, and even how sexual attitudes both change and cross from one generation to the next. Not all Feiler's ideas are applicable or appealing to everyone. He even reports on his failed ideas, the ones that seemed promising but didn't work out. And I've had the same experience trying out some of this ideas--some go well and some just don't seem to fit my family. But there is so much good stuff here to choose from that everyone is bound to find many helpful ideas for family life.

[Lydia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm going to read this book multiple times and take notes! This book reads like the data-informed introduction to the best, up-to-date family and romantic life I've been looking for! All my favorites are included with supporting studies and we'll paced anecdotes. Highly recommended!

[Sandra · Rating 2 out of 5]

An entertaining read, but I think it was mostly too gimmicky to be of any real use. Creating elaborate scavenger hunts to keep your kids amused while on vacation? The point of vacation is to get away from work. If you have to come up with a scavenger hunt, maybe you've picked the wrong vacation destination. Creating a family mission statement to display in your home? Thought-provoking suggestion, but I can't imagine any real families actually following through with this. The premise of the book is this: Feiler tackles a subject in each chapter, and for that subject, looks to business models for ideas. Clever idea. Maybe a little too clever. I'd be curious to know whether others who read this book actually found the ideas practical.