Radość rodzicielstwa. Jak odnaleźć równowagę, spokój i szczęście, stosując techniki terapii akceptacji i zaangażowania

by Lisa Coyne, Amy R. Murrell, Sylwia Pikiel (Translator)

"Radość rodzicielstwa" to przepełniony współczuciem przewodnik dla rodziców, którzy czują się przytłoczeni i sfrustrowani. Ukazuje całkiem nową perspektywę, kładąc nacisk na życie w zgodzie z wartościami i potrzebami.

- "Chciałabym po prostu zrobić sobie wolne i mieć święty spokój. Przytłacza mnie to, że wciąż jestem potrzebna".
- "Za każdym razem, gdy ona zachowuje się niegrzecznie w sklepie, mam ochotę stamtąd uciec".
- "Dzieci mnie wykańczają. Nie prosiłem się o to. Nie miałem pojęcia, że rodzicielstwo będzie tak wyglądać".
- "Tak bardzo się na niego złoszczę, że czuję, iż tracę kontrolę nad sobą".

Czy zdarzyło wam się czuć i myśleć podobnie, ale nigdy nie odważyliście się wyrazić tego na głos? Takie odczucia i myśli są całkiem naturalne, a jednak nauczyliśmy się je ukrywać z obawy przed oceną. Wpojono nam, że są niewłaściwe i świadczą o tym, iż nie radzimy sobie z wyzwaniem rodzicielstwa. Przyznanie się do nich uważamy za równoznaczne ze stwierdzeniem, że jesteśmy złymi rodzicami. Nie pomaga i to, że rodzice prezentowani w mediach są perfekcyjni: zawsze opanowani, uśmiechnięci, mający czas dla dzieci i wręcz niespożytą energię. Chcąc nie chcąc, zaczynamy się porównywać z takim ideałem i czujemy, że zawodzimy… Wszelkie wady, wpadki, błędy i słabości urastają w naszych oczach do niewyobrażalnych rozmiarów, a każde nieodpowiednie zachowanie dzieci postrzegamy jako swoją rodzicielską porażkę.


Nic dziwnego, że wielu z nas zatraciło radość rodzicielstwa i widzi je jako pasmo uciążliwych obowiązków, stresu i trudności. Czy można to zmienić?

Książka ta pomoże wam stać się lepszymi rodzicami. Autorki podpowiadają, jak skutecznie radzić sobie w różnych sytuacjach wychowawczych oraz lepiej poznać swoje wartości, myśli i uczucia. Terapia akceptacji i zaangażowania, na której zasadach opiera się poradnik, pomaga dostrzec, zrozumieć i zaakceptować własne emocje, niepokoje czy niedociągnięcia – jednak bez ulegania im. Dzięki temu będziecie postępować w zgodzie ze sobą i swoimi wartościami zamiast działać impulsywnie i automatycznie reagować na to, co podsuwa umysł.

Genres: Parenting, Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Childrens

254 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2009

Reviews

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well, considering that I am co-author (not listed here because Lis comes first), I would say that this one is a very good read!

[Jeremy · Rating 3 out of 5]

In summary, problems arise from 1) failure to notice good behavior, 2) paying too much attention to negative behavior, and 3) empty threats and escalating demands. Evidence-based solutions to behavioral problems are: 1) pay attention to and reward good behavior, 2) wisely choose which behaviors can be ignored, and 3) give directions simply and effectively. “The single most important reason why proven behavioral approaches to parenting sometimes don’t work is that parents use them inconsistently or incorrectly.” Mindfulness allows us greater flexibility with choosing the focus of our attention. It also helps us sit with discomfort and be more consistent.

Children of parents who are mindful have fewer problem behaviors and better social interactions (Singh et al. 2006).



Potent Quotables:

When you work with children, you work with parents – or at least you hope to work with parents. Why? Not because parents are the cause of children’s problems. Rather, because in their parents’ care is where children learn and grow the most.

The purpose of your mind is to protect you from harm, whether real or perceived. Sometimes, however, your mind is a bit overzealous.

“A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying.” B. F. Skinner

“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.” T. S. Eliot

[Valeria · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is addressed to parents and can be categorized as self-help, but is firmly rooted in empirically based parent training strategies for behavior management and infused with ACT philosophy. The authors cover the most common parenting challenges and walk the reader through them by using ACT strategies.

[Jessica Biggs · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful information for the uninitiated in ACT, and some useful overall parenting advice. Not much here for professionals beyond the basics. I hoped for more out of the section on anxiety, but other parts will serve to be useful to share with parents

[Leah · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was not comfortable with how ACT was presented and applied to parenting in this book. The "time outs" and "planned ignoring" suggested by the book seem like they would contribute to emotional neglect. I just finishing Raising A Secure Child and found it much more warm and helpful.

[Lauren Burhans · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy read with actionable behaviors to engage in and begin working towards being the parent you wish to be.

[Myridian · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book discusses the application of acceptance and commitment therapy principles to parenting with young children (ages two to eight). The authors are Coyne and Murrell, though the citation I'm seeing here only lists Coyne. I very much enjoyed this book and would recommend it to any parent of a young child. Overall this book was well researched, accessible, and personally relevant.

Here's a summary of the information from this book. The first six chapters present general principles (ACT philosophy, common challenges, identification of parenting values, effective behavior management, mindfulness, and commitment), while chapters seven through nine highlight specific areas in which to practice ACT (eliciting positive behavior, managing "acting-out," and managing anxious behavior). The final chapter discusses using the strategies in concert.

This book felt personally relevant to me. I know my emotionality often affects my ability to parent properly. At times I can't even recall appropriate parenting strategies d/t feelings of helplessness or other affective responses. This book addresses both the awareness of those emotions and also has practical information re parenting strategies. The experiential exercises are particularly nice and each principle is presented in a way that is simple and yet does not feel overly dumbed down. Planning how to manage difficult situations ahead of time, including the recognition of one's emotional reactions, was particularly helpful.

My one complaint was that each chapter felt long to me. I'm not sure there is an easy way to break up the concepts more, but as a working parent it was hard for me to finish a chapter in one sitting, let alone finish a chapter and do the exercises. I still got through the information and thought it was wonderful, but I'd sometimes have to go back to earlier portions of the chapter to remind myself where I was.

[Koa Whittingham · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Joy of Parenting by Lisa Coyne and Amy Murrell is a beautiful book. Grounded within Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this book will help you to see beyond your present challenges and to identify your parenting values – what matters most to you as a parent. All parents find themselves sidetracked at times. It is easy to become overwhelmed by anger, fear, or self-critical thoughts. The Joy of Parenting will help you to get back on track. It will help you to reconnect with your own long-term parenting goals, to build a strong and loving relationship with your child and to find the joy in parenting, even when parenting is challenging. Many parents of pre-schoolers want practical and evidence-based advice on specific issues such as noncompliance, temper tantrums and child anxiety. You will find the practical strategies that you are seeking in The Joy of Parenting. More importantly, you will also find an easy to understand guide to discovering why your child is behaving as they are (i.e. functional analysis). This understanding is critical to selecting the right strategy for the right situation, and hence to meeting your parenting goals. Yet, it is often overlooked in parenting information. I recommend The Joy of Parenting to all parents. This is a book that is rich in information. You are going to want to read it again and again.