Le slow sex

by Diana Richardson

Et si le secret d'une sexualité aussi épanouissante qu'intense était la lenteur ?  La sexualité conventionnelle, orientée vers l'orgasme, peut certes apporter une satisfaction momentanée, mais sur la durée, elle peut devenir mécanique et ennuyeuse.Pour aller vers une satisfaction plus profonde ou redonner vie à une sexualité déclinante, les trois auteurs de ce livre invite ici les couples à vivre l'acte sexuel en pleine conscience.Au fil des pages et d'exercices pratiques, ils proposent de découvrir comment la sexualité en conscience augmente la sensibilité et la vitalité sexuelle, et comment, par sa capacité à restaurer et à générer l'amour, elle est une sexualité véritablement aimante.  Un livre qui invite à faire l'amour autrement, à ralentir, à se détendre, à se libérer des pressions imposées par notre conditionnement et à remettre en question les idées communément admises sur la sexualité.Points fortsUn regard sur la sexualité totalement nouveau, et profondément libérateur.Un livre pratique avec :- Des exercices pour démarrer son exploration de la sexualité en pleine conscience.- Des témoignages de personnes engagées dans ce processus de transformation de leur sexualité.- Des encarts résumant les points clés et des illustrations.- Un livre de référence sur le sujet  : fruit des recherches et de l'expérience intime des auteurs depuis 30 ans, et des retraites pour couples qu'ils animent

Genres: Sexuality, Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Audiobook, Marriage, Personal Growth

234 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 27, 2011

Reviews

[Henry Le Nav · Rating 4 out of 5]

Note! Readers should not confuse this book with the similarly titled Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm by Nicole Daedone. They are entirely different books.

I read this book with great interest, but with something of the reserve that a devout member of a particular faith would read a book on comparative religious practices, knowing full well that conversion is completely out of the question. That not withstanding, I found plenty of sage wisdom in the book. The author presents an interesting statistic:

At present the universal average time of a sexual encounter is estimated to be anywhere from two to three minutes—a time span of 120 to 180 seconds out of a day in which we live through 86,400 seconds. These “quickies” seem to serve one main purpose, and that is (for the man especially) to have an orgasm as quickly as possible. Reaching orgasm means that sex is usually finished shortly after it starts. The perhaps much longed-for, or much fantasized, event is compressed into an astoundingly brief period of time.

Richardson, Diana. Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (Kindle Locations 288-293). Inner Traditions/Bear & Company. Kindle Edition.

So slow sex seeks to replace 2 to 3 minutes of hot sweaty thrusting with slow deliberate movement and replace the drive to orgasm with a deep awareness of the internal body. Hot excitement is replaced by cool internal awareness. Orgasm is replaced with a blissful energy flow through the loving couples bodies, and the quick dash to orgasm is replaced with slow movement. How slow? Richardson recommends that for the initial penetration, the man move in increments of one millimeter inward. He should then pause, take a deep breath, then move another millimeter in. For those of us more adept at inches, there are 25.4 millimeters in one inch. To put this in visual terms the paperboard used in a typical cereal box is about 3/4 of a millimeter thick. Assuming a 10 second duration of each iteration of a millimeter in, pause, and deep breath, I calculated that for the average (advertised) man, full penetration will require 25 minutes. I question how many men have the delicacy of discernment to detect one millimeter of pelvic movement. But yes, indeed, it is slow! Further movement is allowed but should be pursued at the same rate. The idea is to shift your body and awareness from doing sex to BEING sex. In order to BE in sex, a slow approach that avoids lustful excitation and orgasm is required.

At some point in the practice of slow sex, the couple should experience a blissful flow of energy. Both the man and the woman are sources of this energy. The energy flows from the man through the joined genitals into the woman. The woman generates energy in her breasts which flows into the man’s chest. Once started, this energy flow can circulate for hours keeping both partners in a state of ecstatic bliss.

Things I like about this book:

I like her clear lucid explanations on slow sex and how the eight enhancers (such as relaxation, awareness, rhythm) are incorporating into the practice. I like that the book, while based on Tantric traditions, avoids the confusing terminology and concepts of Tantra. I am not sure I would go as far as to call it Tantra for westerners, but I appreciated the clarity without all the exotic nomenclature. I liked the spirituality of the book. It appeals to my sense of being spiritual, but not religious.

I loved her description of the energy flow. I liked that she gave fairly explicit instruction on how to penetrate, including soft penetration but she did not overwhelm us with hierarchical rituals that must be performed with exacting precision. She pretty much gets the plumbing together and then you are on your own:

In slow sex practice the attention is rooted in the body generally, and especially in the genital connection—the penis and vagina. Slow sex makes it possible for them to develop their very own language, to exchange energy according to their intrinsic dynamic and receptive qualities….

In certain practices there may be ideals or goals of perfection to be reached, but in slow sex, there are no goals. We immerse ourselves in our bodies and become involved with the unfolding present moment. We see what our bodies want to do, and we watch how they respond intuitively with their own sensual language. We do not interfere and come between the bodies with our minds and preconceived ideas.

Richardson, Diana. Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (Kindle Locations 1641-1649). Inner Traditions/Bear & Company. Kindle Edition.

She does not lose her mind if you have an orgasm. Oh you had an orgasm, well enjoy it fully and try to avoid it in the future. One book I read about 15 years ago was like a combination of basic military training and a drug rehab program. The drug that the book was rehabilitating you from was dopamine generated by orgasm. The book had many complex hierarchical exercises. No orgasms period. If you fell off the orgasm wagon on week 9, tough shit, you had to start all over again at week one. I felt like a teenager in catechism again, hearing how I was going to go to hell for masturbation and impure thoughts.

Other things that I liked, the author give a few manageable exercises every here and there, but doesn’t swamp you in them. There are simple and tastefully line drawings depicting positions. I liked how the author recognised love between the partners and that sex is a loving and spiritual act between these partners. I also liked that the book was geared to long-term committed couples.

Things that I, or others, may not like:

No orgasm. My wife and I love orgasms, especially hers. As such the prescription of slow sex to avoid sexual excitation leading to orgasm is complete anathema to us.

Little or no foreplay. It is to be avoided because it builds excitement and excitement can lead to orgasm. Richardson recommends using a lubricant and not relying on natural lubrication. Well I suppose with no foreplay, a lubricant is a must.

Semen retention. Personally I believe that semen retention is ill advised. I do believe that semen has some magical properties but it is magical when one shares it with his woman (observing birth control of course). Google Gordon Gallup of SUNY-Albany studies of semen contact reducing depression in women. I do not believe that semen retention aids in the energy levels for men, or that the body struggles to produce it. Also a large factor in my distaste for semen retention is recent studies that indicate that frequent ejaculation significantly reduces the incidence of prostate cancer later in life. The prostate seems to benefit from routine flushing.

Hetero-normative. The book has no mention of gay or lesbian couples. Should not a spiritual practice work for everyone?

Being a New Age flake, it did not bother me, in fact I rather liked it, but for some the amount of spiritual woo woo in this book might be excessive.

No mention of safe sex or birth control. The word condoms is mentioned only once in reference to material compatibility to lubricants. Otherwise there is not a peep about condoms, safe sex, or birth control. I agree that there is plenty of information in other books and internet sites that a detailed rundown is not required here. But I also believe that to dispel any false ideas, semen retention is not an effective method of contraception. Also unprotected slow sex with casual partners is not safe sex.

Another item I believe should be mentioned is condoms. At one juncture she directs:

From here the woman can proceed by taking the penis in her two hands and gently rolling back the foreskin or any tissues around the head of the penis, pulling down toward the root of the penis. The idea of this is to expose the head’s magnetic surface as much as possible in order to bring increased awareness to the radiant, dynamic qualities inherent in the penis.

Richardson, Diana. Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (Kindle Locations 827-830). Inner Traditions/Bear & Company. Kindle Edition.

Good grief, if the foreskin can reduce the radiant magnetic qualities, what the hell is a condom going to do? So do condoms work with slow sex, or are you wasting your time? If they do work, shouldn't only female condoms be used in light of the fact that erection is frequently lost in the relatively long duration of penetration with intentionally low levels of excitement?

Does hormone based birth control methods have any bearing on the efficacy of slow sex? Years ago when my wife was on birth control pills, her breasts were relatively insensitive to stimulation. When she got off the pill for good, her breasts returned to normal and we both enjoyed her new found sensitivity. In slow sex, the breasts and nipples are the positive pole in the female energy generation. Would birth control pills stunt this energy? None of these issues are addressed.

A small matter, but she mentions slow sex having an effect on evolution. I would think by definition that that the only effect that people who successfully practice semen retention will have on evolution is to remove their genetic legacy from it. I think she should specify cultural or spiritual evolution. As the Shakers found out, you have to play to win.

The last item. There is an either/or aspect to this. It seems that you either practice slow sex, or you you have quick orgasms. There seems to be little recognition that people could adopt both slow sex and choose to have an orgasm. Will you enjoy all the benefits of slow sex? Well who knows, possibly not. Perhaps orgasm does reduce the chances of experiencing the energy flow. My wife and I have never experienced it despite my efforts to:

Visualize light vibrating in your cells, the color gold streaming and flowing through your body, or connecting your own positive and receptive poles. Or man can visualize energy, love, light, or gold flowing from his penis as a positive pole. And woman can imagine receiving these golden light emanations into her vagina. Woman can use her imagination in the same way and visualize love energy radiating from breasts and nipples, where her positive poles lie. Man can imagine the love and light being received into his heart and chest.

Richardson, Diana. Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (Kindle Locations 1234-1238). Inner Traditions/Bear & Company. Kindle Edition.

I can't say that has ever happened to us. But I can say that she has taken me to places with her orgasms that I have never gone on my own. I have become drunk with the scent of her. We have laid together for hours, post coital, still coupled in loving bliss. We have developed over the years a sort of hybrid slow/orgasmic sex. We have a long foreplay. Yes, coitus is a good deal quicker than slow sex but then we have a long post coital plugged-in cuddle. We may not generate energy flows, but we have had some orgasms in which I feared for the integrity of the foundation of the house. It has been working for us for over four decades.

My wife and I are both die-hard Orgasmaticians. We ain't giving up orgasms thank you. And I am not giving up that gentle art of worshipping at the Altar of the Divine Feminine. As I said in the beginning, there will be no conversions.

[Marie-Eve · Rating 1 out of 5]

Très déçue de ce livre! L'approche est uniquement centrée sur les rapports pénétratifs hétérosexuels en plus de perpétuer des stéréotypes de genre.
Ça ne répond pas du tout à mes attentes sur la pleine conscience dans la sexualité.

[Aurelian · Rating 3 out of 5]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Mayowa · Rating 2 out of 5]

It might work once put into practice, but there was a bit too much uncorroborated, hippy-dippy advice for me.

It's like describing hallucinogens to someone who has never even tried any drugs.

[Emma Puech Helin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Je sais pas pourquoi on me l’a recommandé ?? C’est bourré de stéréotypes de genre avec on idée de polarité masculine-féminine qui me fatigue au dernier degrés sur l’échelle de jpp.
Il y a même un moment où on nous explique que la pénétration (évidemment avec un penis) guérit les trauma du passé, voir du transgenerationnel. Quelle puissance que le penis hein. On est donc bien dans la merde si on est lesbienne, condamnée à ressasser les traumas ad vitam.

Je mets une petite étoile cadeau pour les exercices pratiques à la fin qui peuvent être aisément adaptés et j’en utilise déjà quelques un en consult sans les genrer et sans les considérer comme magique.

Mais sinon : flemme

[mariannenoela · Rating 1 out of 5]

Cisgenre, hétéronormatif et biaisé. Perte de temps.

[Megan Griswold · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are a lot of “slow” movements these days—slow eating, slow living, slow parenting—and underpinning them all seems to be this indictment of our impatient, goal-focused culture. From the way this book unfolds, it seems like sex is kind of microcosm of everything that’s wrong with speed and over-focus on goals and outcomes. I loved Richardson’s earnestness when it came to the idea of creating energy connections through the intentionality of sex—as nice as it is to get that swept away feeling, there’s a certain bereft sensation that follows, like being knocked down and spit out by a huge wave. Slow Sex advocates for something closer to a powerful high tide. It gave me a lot to think about in how I’ve approached sex over the years and how I can choose to approach it now.

[Nancy A. Krass · Rating 5 out of 5]

Made a lot of sense.

As a survivor of child teams I've searched for material dealing with cell memory. I think I have found a wonderful way to begin another phase of my continued journey to heal.

[Kristina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Une nouvelle approche de la sexualité que mon copain et moi avons adoré. D'autant plus que ce livre se rapproche de mes croyance spirituelles. Il détruit toutes les constructions sociales liées au sexe et nous invite à repenser le plaisir sexuel.

[Deshia · Rating 4 out of 5]

There’s a lot of buzz around “slow” movements these days—slow living, slow eating, slow parenting—and this book, Slow Sex, felt like the antidote to everything wrong with our fast-paced, goal-oriented culture. Growing up in the East, sex was as taboo as it gets—talking about it felt performative, the rush to orgasm like a race, and for women, it often felt more like an obligation than mutual pleasure. Not to mention, the whole thing was often wrapped up in sin and shame.

I read this book during the height of COVID in 2020, an attempt to connect that went astray. But that doesn’t diminish the book’s value. Sometimes, it’s about timing—alignment between where you are and what you’re ready to learn.

What I appreciated most about Richardson’s approach was her focus on creating intentional energy connections through sex. It’s not about being swept away by the moment (and then feeling a bit adrift afterward). Instead, it’s about cultivating something closer to a slow, powerful high tide.

Chapter 4 stood out for its thoughtful illustrations and practical guidance, offering new perspectives on intimacy and pleasure that don’t rely on traditional expectations. It gave me so much to think about—not just about how I’ve approached sex in the past, but how I can choose to approach it now.

[Annette · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a little too hippie dippie for me but I was attracted to the concept of slow sex because I do agree that people spend way too much time rushing around without actually finding pleasure in what they are doing. I like the idea of slowing down and really enjoying the time that I have with my spouse. Being mindful and being present physically as well as emotionally is so important. Why do we rush through each sexual encounter? So we can check it off our to do list? Really?

I personally have never been a huge fan of the "quickie" but surprisingly D. R. says there is a place for the quickie with Slow Sex but to her a quickie is 15-20 minutes. She advises setting aside at least three hours to enjoy Slow Sex. Not sure how practical that is but ... maybe someday ...

The most useful information and what made the book worth the read was all in chapter 4. Very tastefully done drawings of different positions to try and a "how to" guide for soft penetration. You don't actually have to have an erection to enjoy sex! This was new to me and as my husband and I are getting older we found this information very useful. Thank you Diana!

I recommend this book to couples who have a lot of time on their hands and would like to add something new to their sexual repertoire.

[Max Pietsch · Rating 5 out of 5]

This review is for the first 26 pages... and I skimmed those (although she writes in a very verbose way so skimming was important).

I agree with the book that when we think (about the other person's sexual features, or about orgasming, etc.) we become more excited (we also become more excited when thinking instead of sensing outside of sex). I've also noticed how this can lead to holding breath and ejaculating sooner, and more *excited* style of sex. I think some of this excitement can be good, but I agree that we should spend a lot of time being aware and touching each other without the excited style of sex that leads to orgasm.

I'm not sure I would practice it as devoutly as they suggest. For instance entering your partner and then pausing to take a couple deep breaths sounds a bit much. However I think regulating your breath and calming down can be helpful. It's a great idea to spend an hour or two touching each other and being aware of the sensations, rather than rushing to orgasm, which I think is the basic idea of the book and I completely agree is foundational to the best sex. Sometimes you need to have a quickie! but otherwise yeah it's great to have sex this way. I would like to read the rest.

[Jonathan Burnay · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ce livre est au mieux inutile et au pire dangereux. Je ne le mettrais dans aucune main.

Si vous n'avez pas un minimum de connaissance en sexologie ou que vous êtes dans un relatif état de vulnérabilité, ce livre sera dangereux pour vous. Il contient des informations complètement erronées sur le plan scientifique. Il ne fait que remplacer des injonctions par d'autres injonctions, en vous disant de ne surtout pas les prendre pour des injonctions, mais quand même, c'est comme ça qu'il faut faire. L'essentialisme de genre y est à vomir, les conseils sont tous hétéro-centré et pénétration-centré.

Si vous vous y connaissez un minimum en pleine conscience et/ou en sexologie pour posséder le recul nécessaire pour lire ce livre, vous n'apprendrez rien. Les éléments liés à la pleine conscience sont extrêmement basiques. Il doit y avoir au mieux 10 pages qui m'ont été utiles sur les quelque 230 pages au total.

Bref, je vous déconseille l'achat de ce livre, empruntez-le ou volez-le si vous y tenez. Mais sachez que si vous l'achetez, 80 pages sont consacrées à de la publicité (déguisée sous forme de témoignages) pour des retraites organisées par les auteurs.

[Anna · Rating 1 out of 5]

I could not bring myself to even finish this book. I like the general idea and some of the excercises she recommends. But this book is really Hippie dippie and it was so heteronormative as well. She's also talking about things I've never heard happening from anyone, Like how there supposedly is too much focus on the clitoris during Sex, as it builds tention. In my experience, a lot of women wished there was a focus on the clit, and not just penetration! I also hated the broad generalisations, e.g. how women just naturally want less sex in a relationship over time compared to the man. I don't know if she brings this up later in the book again, but this isn't the case for everyone. It may strengthen the idea that there is something wrong when you are a woman who wants more sex than their partner and vice versa with men who dont have a high sex drive. Obviously generalisations can be necessary, but completely neglecting that some people may make different experiences, which are all valid as we're all different, just did not sit right with me.

[Alex Drysdale · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not sure if I picked the right book that was listed on a top 5 list... because there is another one with an almost identical name, all the other books I read from this top 5 list were great.

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The entire book should be summed up into a short blog post... or better yet a quote:

"Learn to be fully conscious and aware of you body and feelings during sex. Don't strive simply towards the goal of orgasm." Done.

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There is far too much of the authors opinions and new-age "spiritual" theories that she presents as fact... then she repeats it... then repeats it again, and again.

2 Stars because I made 4 highlights in the book, and 1 of them was because it sparked an idea in my head that had nothing to do with the topic.

[Michal · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bál jsem se, zda to nebude další kniha nafouklá z jednoho odstavce. Trochu to tak je, ale není to moc otravné. Jsou tam i zajímavá přirovnání a přístupy z různých stran, aby to došlo k různým lidem. Kniha je prošpikovaná mnoha citacemi z knihy The Slow Down Diet, až mám pocit, že jsem přečetl i tuto knihu. V obou případech jde o mindfulness. Pokud už mindfulness znáte a praktikujete, jde vlastně o to ji využít také u sexu. Nesnažit se o vyvrcholení, ale napojení. Taková meditace ve dvou v zásunu. Pobavilo mě, že ideální je mít taková "ležení" aspoň tři hodiny každý den. Aneb lektoři si neuvědomují, že neexistuje pouze jejich svět. Taková perlička byla si přečíst "K praktikování pomalého sexu je rozhodně potřeba partner(ka)" až na straně 153. :-D

[Ophelie Boucher · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was an interesting book that made me think a lot. It did make me reconsider the « traditional » way of having sex. It’s a really light book in the sense that it doesn’t give a lot of details about the notions it brings up. The authors also repeat themselves quite a lot! I have to say, it’s not a really nuanced book; there’s a little Q&A section at the end where the authors explore other stuff, but other then that, they make it seem like « traditional sex » is bad and « slow sex » is good. Despite those negative things, i did learn a lot about what slo sex is and the benefits it can bring into a relationship.

[Variane · Rating 3 out of 5]

J’ai trouvé que c’était une approche intéressante de la sexualité, je l’ai loué à la bibliothèque dans l’idée de m’éduquer principalement. Je peux dire qu’il amène des idées intéressantes desquelles on peut s’inspirer et d’autres un peu trop intense à mon sens. Il y a effectivement un manque de représentation des sexualités avec un focus unique le couple hétérosexuel ce qui m’a dérangé.

[Caroline · Rating 4 out of 5]

Inspirant. Après avoir lu cela, le sexe conventionnel semble tellement minimal, étriqué, étouffant!

Mais très hétéronormatif et axé sur la pénétration! Je vais mettre le slow sex à ma couleur dans la vraie vie.

[Amine HILALY · Rating 2 out of 5]

déçu pour plusieurs raison :
- très centré sur les rapports pénétratifs
- que pour les couples. ça sert à rien de le lire si t'a pas un partenaire régulier qui a envie de lire avec toi
- son vocabulaire hippie

[Pauline · Rating 3 out of 5]

Je ne m'attendais pas à lire un livre qui tend vers la spiritualité je n'ai pas aimé cette aspect là du livre, néanmoins il y a des points intéressant : prendre son temps, moment présent, sensation, position qui faut garder en tête.
3/5

[Victoria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Intéressant sur pas mal de points mais une vision un peu trop arriéré à mon goût. Pourquoi placer l'acte sexuelle sur un si grand pied d'estale ? Pourquoi avoir une vision autant hétéro-centrée et purement pénétratif ? Pour moi le sexe c'est bien plus que ça...

[Lenka Kubelová · Rating 3 out of 5]

Unfortunately way too repetitive. Anyway the concept of slowness and slow down is so important in any field now, so stars for spreading it.

[AndreaT · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am really not sure how to evaluate this book. It is valid, but it is also a bit hippie, in the sense that I am not much clearer on the discussed topics than I was before.

[Thibault2000 · Rating 1 out of 5]

Border sectarian. Hippie stuff that promotes heterosexual phallus centered sex. VERY DISAPOINTED.

[Lenka Kosmatová · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved that book. Very helpful.

[Ulrike Bungert · Rating 4 out of 5]

?!?! Ratgeber, Ratgeber, Ratgeber...

[Valentina · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.75

[Anna Toffee Nut · Rating 1 out of 5]

Basiert auf einem binären heteronormativen System und bedient sich klassischer Stereotypen unter dem Deckmantel weiblicher und männlicher Energie.

[Chante · Rating 5 out of 5]

Conscious connection and slowing down to be present and not rushing towards a climax goal.

Goal is to be together and fulfilling each others energetic fields