Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists

by Martha Kauppi

Your favorite long-term client tells you they want to open up their relationship. Are you ready to help them?



This groundbreaking guide to consensual nonmonogamy offers a reading experience that feels like consulting with a trusted advisor. Martha Kauppi equips you with the skills to be a true ally to clients who want to explore polyamory. Learn from the expert who trains experts as she debunks myths and shares the exact tools she uses with her own clients.



Flip to any chapter for an understanding of what is possible, where things break down and why, and how to help. You’ll learn how to conceptualize complicated relational dynamics in a way that leads to effective treatment, and how to identify and disrupt maladaptive relational patterns without perpetuating negative cultural bias. A must-read for anyone looking for a framework to simplify the complexities of polyamory.

Genres: Psychology, Relationships, Polyamory, Nonfiction, Counselling, Self Help, Sexuality

493 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 15, 2021

Reviews

[Kaylee · Rating 5 out of 5]

[...] There are many people who never learned what consent means or weren't given permission to both grant and withdraw consent.

This was such an informative and well-written book. It was really fantastic to get this information from a therapist's POV. I've read many books, etc. but, to have a whole book with Kauppi's experience, not only as a therapist, but as someone who was raised within the polyamorous life (with her parents being polyam) and then being in the life itself... It was refreshing. Gives a truly unique POV.
I really liked the idea of a ritual after being on a date/night with someone and being with someone else after. Like how her wife (who she lives with) requested she have a mikvah (ritual bath) to get her back in the mindset of being home; of being with her. Nothing unreasonable, something that should/could be relaxing and, potentially, contemplative after being with someone else.

I actually borrowed the eBook version from the library but will be buying a physical copy of this, and/or the eBook version (to easily print out the worksheets here). I could foresee the worksheets being very helpful - not only to help relationally but with self-improvement overall.

I took so many screenshots while reading this with all the useful/encouraging info stated here. I love seeing all different perspectives on all things. There is so much bias against polyamory in a lot of cultures (including my own - American) that it's refreshing to see this type of nuance. Kauppi isn't trying to force polyam down anyone's throat but is there to bring it to up if she feels like it might help a relationship - if it might be an option. Kauppi also makes it very clear that it is not for everyone; that polyam relationships are a lot of work - that all relationships are a lot of work. None are to be discounted. And all (consenting!) relationships are fair game. Someone thinks it, it can be done. Be creative! And I freakin' love that.
Consent, as I describe it, is an ongoing and ever-shifting process that requires self-awareness, self-assessment, other-awareness, and attunement, in an atmosphere of sincere mutual respect, achieved through verbal and nonverbal communication, with the clear intention of collaboration between partners for the mutual pleasure of everyone involved.
Throw the rule book out the window: if you can imagine an evolution or a configuration, there are plenty of people who are living it. For that matter, things I can't yet imagine are certainly also being lived out by someone somewhere, and that is a beautiful thing. I love the exciting diversity, new terminology, and evolving understanding of people, possibility, and relationships.

There are many real-life examples here; not only of Kauppi's herself but through her family and clients/friends (with consent!) as well. Always great to see.
Why would a person choose any label at all, you might be wondering, when this is personal, private, and no one's business? I imagine if you asked 20 queer-identified people that question, you might get 20 different answers. For me, the answer lies in our heterosexist culture. What I mean by that is, in the absence of any other cues or direction, the assumption most people in the United States make about people is that they are straight. Since my partner is a hugely important aspect of my life, I don't feel like someone knows me until they understand that I have a long-term partner. If I just say I've been married for 25 years, the image people in our current culture get is one of me having a husband. If this is a conversation with an acquaintance or it isn't important to me to feel known, that might be okay with me, although it still feels uncomfortable. It can feel sort of like I lied, which is truly weird because it all started with assumptions made about me, and it's hardly my fault if they mis-assumed. The point is, it is often important to me to feel like someone actually knows me. At that point, I will have to have a coming-out discussion of some sort.

I could honestly go on about this book. It's such a respectful and interesting outlook on relationships in general and I truly love that it is for both therapists and clients. Kauppi makes it very clear, in every bit of this book, how each part could relate to both, which I think is very helpful.

Polyamory offers a third path: Why not have a real conversation about it?

The key difference is whether the person making the agreement is taking responsibility for their choice.

Overall, this book is written in such a way that is easy to relate to and feel for. It has many examples and lots of research. I really appreciated how it was done. It's especially easy reading for eBook readers since you can just click on the links to "appendix E," etc. There are links throughout to where the worksheets are or other referred chapters. Very user friendly.

[...] most of us don't see a monogamous relationship that isn't working and jump right to asking, "Why don't you solve your entire problem by ending the relationship?"

[Micah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend for both therapists and people who want to learn more about non-monogamy. The appendices have a wealth of exercises for processing ideas, communication, etc. Will definitely be using this book in my clinical work.

[Mikaela Wapman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is great. I read it for a consultation group I’m joining with Martha 🤩 but truly this book offers such clarity of thought and direction around the vastness of relationships, and how to work creatively with people navigating all things related to being in relationship. Highly recommend and incredibly enjoyable read! 5/5

[Andria Hollingshead · Rating 4 out of 5]

this was a very well written book with a great deal of information for therapist or even lay people or those exploring polyamory or just wanting to understand their friends' polyamory relationships. the author did a very good job at normalizing language challenging stereotypes and providing scientific evidence throughout as well as providing a great deal of resources to help work with others or yourself as a self-help book throughout this there are over 74 pages of additional worksheets that you and a partner can work through. as a therapist that works a lot with the Kink Community this was such a great book to refresh on the common themes and ideals there were a few things that I as a therapist would definitely approach differently but that does not mean that this makes the information any less valuable.

[Sam]

This book is excellent for therapists working with polyamorous/ethically non-monogamous clients.

[Kinley Porritt]

the things we do for our jobs

[Éloïse Lara Desrochers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Un des ouvrages les plus complet sur les différentes possibilités du polyamour. Beaucoup d'exemples sur différentes configurations.
J'y reviendrai assurément pour y trouver conseil.