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All The Young Men
All The Young Men , a gripping and triumphant tale of human compassion, is the true story of Ruth Coker Burks, a young single mother in Hot Springs, Arkansas, who finds herself driven to the forefront of the AIDS crisis, and becoming a pivotal activist in America’s fight against AIDS. In 1986, 26-year old Ruth visits a friend at the hospital when she notices that the door to one of the hospital rooms is painted red. She witnesses nurses drawing straws to see who would tend to the patient inside, all of them reluctant to enter the room. Out of impulse, Ruth herself enters the quarantined space and immediately begins to care for the young man who cries for his mother in the last moments of his life. Before she can even process what she’s done, word spreads in the community that Ruth is the only person willing to help these young men afflicted by AIDS, and is called upon to nurse them. As she forges deep friendships with the men she helps, she works tirelessly to find them housing and jobs, even searching for funeral homes willing to take their bodies – often in the middle of the night. She cooks meals for tens of people out of discarded food found in the dumpsters behind supermarkets, stores rare medications for her most urgent patients, teaches sex-ed to drag queens after hours at secret bars, and becomes a beacon of hope to an otherwise spurned group of ailing gay men on the fringes of a deeply conservative state. Throughout the years, Ruth defies local pastors and nurses to help the men she cares for: Paul and Billy, Angel, Chip, Todd and Luke. Emboldened by the weight of their collective pain, she fervently advocates for their safety and visibility, ultimately advising Governor Bill Clinton on the national HIV-AIDS crisis. This deeply moving and elegiac memoir honors the extraordinary life of Ruth Coker Burks and the beloved men who fought valiantly for their lives with AIDS during a most hostile and misinformed time in America.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published December 1, 2020
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December 21, 2020
I don’t read very many memoirs, but when I do, I need them to be about extraordinary people and I was not disappointed. Right from the start, we see the fear that people had of those with AIDS,the fear of the unknown of how the disease might spread, even by health care workers as evidenced by Ruth Coker Burks’ first connection with a man on his deathbed in a hospital with a single cry “ help”. Right from the start, we see Ruth’s compassion, her innate belief that helping was the right thing to do. We meet gay men wanting to come home to Arkansas to their families only to be told by one mother “Your soul is rot.” There are some gut wrenching accounts of the lack of care and treatment, how they are shunned by their families, by their communities.
This is a book filled with the undying courage and huge heart of a woman whose guts and kindness make you wish you were a better person. In Hot Springs Arkansas in 1986, with the odds against these men, Ruth manages to provide food, moral support, testing, condoms, assistance with getting social security, finding a place to live, a place to be buried, literally burying their ashes in her family cemetery. The word spreads that she is someone who will help and she begins to get calls from hospitals to make arrangements to remove the bodies when no one else will . The words spreads and some of the ailing men start to call her directly wanting her help to come home.
Even as her personal life is falling apart, she rises to the occasion. She is shunned by her church, by one of her best friends, by her ex husband’s family wanting to shut out her daughter, but somehow she is courageous enough to stand up to them for herself, for her daughter as well as the many gay men she helps and comes to love. She learns to draw blood when they couldn’t get tests, she finds ways of getting medication. She becomes friend, mother, caregiver, and a fighter for rights of these men, and an adviser to President Clinton on the AIDS Epidemic. So well written with Kevin Carr O’Leary, this telling is emotional, gut wrenching, and I couldn’t stop reading it. It’s a depiction of the AIDs crisis, not just in Hot Springs, Arkansas, but a reflection of what happened to so many men during that time everywhere. Highly recommended if you’re looking to find way to still believe in the goodness of people. It’s uplifting and inspiring. It’s a story of one extraordinary woman and a tribute to those she loved.
I received a copy of this book from Grove Press through Edelweiss.
This is a book filled with the undying courage and huge heart of a woman whose guts and kindness make you wish you were a better person. In Hot Springs Arkansas in 1986, with the odds against these men, Ruth manages to provide food, moral support, testing, condoms, assistance with getting social security, finding a place to live, a place to be buried, literally burying their ashes in her family cemetery. The word spreads that she is someone who will help and she begins to get calls from hospitals to make arrangements to remove the bodies when no one else will . The words spreads and some of the ailing men start to call her directly wanting her help to come home.
Even as her personal life is falling apart, she rises to the occasion. She is shunned by her church, by one of her best friends, by her ex husband’s family wanting to shut out her daughter, but somehow she is courageous enough to stand up to them for herself, for her daughter as well as the many gay men she helps and comes to love. She learns to draw blood when they couldn’t get tests, she finds ways of getting medication. She becomes friend, mother, caregiver, and a fighter for rights of these men, and an adviser to President Clinton on the AIDS Epidemic. So well written with Kevin Carr O’Leary, this telling is emotional, gut wrenching, and I couldn’t stop reading it. It’s a depiction of the AIDs crisis, not just in Hot Springs, Arkansas, but a reflection of what happened to so many men during that time everywhere. Highly recommended if you’re looking to find way to still believe in the goodness of people. It’s uplifting and inspiring. It’s a story of one extraordinary woman and a tribute to those she loved.
I received a copy of this book from Grove Press through Edelweiss.
January 23, 2021
A while back I read the fictional account of the AIDS crisis, The Great Believers, which made a huge impression. I personally do not know anyone who has died from this, but I did have a male friend in the late seventies, whose quite wealthy parents gave him a sum of money and disowned him after he came out. I have five sons and there is not anything they can do that would make me act like so many of these parents did. Not my idea of love, nor my idea of being a mother.
Ruth is an angel, she fought so hard for these young men, tried to educate people on AIDS, but so many people doing to distrust and ignorance, then and now. She spoke at rotary clubs, other organizations, held dying men's hands, offered comfort and love when none was available and lastly buried their remains. She put her friendships, reputation, she put everything on the line. What an amazing woman, an amazing story.
She had a strong faith, and unlike many in thereligious community who shunned these desperate, dying men she saw her faith as leading her to provide succor not condemnation. A wonderful, personal story and an awe inspiring one. In times of darkness, we need our real life angels.
ARC from Netgalley.
Ruth is an angel, she fought so hard for these young men, tried to educate people on AIDS, but so many people doing to distrust and ignorance, then and now. She spoke at rotary clubs, other organizations, held dying men's hands, offered comfort and love when none was available and lastly buried their remains. She put her friendships, reputation, she put everything on the line. What an amazing woman, an amazing story.
She had a strong faith, and unlike many in thereligious community who shunned these desperate, dying men she saw her faith as leading her to provide succor not condemnation. A wonderful, personal story and an awe inspiring one. In times of darkness, we need our real life angels.
ARC from Netgalley.
March 6, 2021
I have started dipping my toes into memoirs the last few months and a whole new world of reading has opened up to me. I got in right under the wire at Net Galley for this one and am so glad I did. I like to learn from my pleasure reading and this one is a real eye-opener. It is the story of an incredibly courageous and resourceful woman who devoted many years of her life to the ostracized young men dying alone during the first decade of the AIDS crisis.
Ruth was in the hospital visiting her cancer-stricken friend in the mid 1980s in Hot Springs, Arkansas, when she noted the nurses were completely ignoring a patient in another room who was calling for help. The patient was dying of AIDS and none of the nurses wanted to enter his room. They just wanted rid of him. Ruth went in and sat and held his hand for 13 hours—until he died. Then she buried him as his family did not want him. She acted simply because he was a human too and did not deserve to be treated differently from the other patients. Unfortunately, at that time people were much more concerned with “catching the gay disease” and had no use whatsoever for “those disgusting people.”
From that beginning, Ruth, through word of mouth became the go-to woman for gay men, not only in Arkansas, but from elsewhere as well. She would tend to the sick, find them medication, housing, social security and ultimately a place to bury them when their families rejected them. She not only cared for the sick and dying but was very involved in educating these men and others about transmission and prevention of the disease. Sadly, Ruth too became a pariah and little Allison, who accompanied her mother on most of her visits, was bullied and ostracized at school. Not a single classmate came to her 8th birthday party. Ruth, however, persevered and over the years through shear will and drive she was able to accomplish more and more. She and Allison became truly trusted and loved by the gay community.
Ruth had always yearned for a husband and more children, in other words, a family. Little did she know that she was destined for a family, but a family much different, but just as fulfilling as what she imagined.
Ruth was in the hospital visiting her cancer-stricken friend in the mid 1980s in Hot Springs, Arkansas, when she noted the nurses were completely ignoring a patient in another room who was calling for help. The patient was dying of AIDS and none of the nurses wanted to enter his room. They just wanted rid of him. Ruth went in and sat and held his hand for 13 hours—until he died. Then she buried him as his family did not want him. She acted simply because he was a human too and did not deserve to be treated differently from the other patients. Unfortunately, at that time people were much more concerned with “catching the gay disease” and had no use whatsoever for “those disgusting people.”
From that beginning, Ruth, through word of mouth became the go-to woman for gay men, not only in Arkansas, but from elsewhere as well. She would tend to the sick, find them medication, housing, social security and ultimately a place to bury them when their families rejected them. She not only cared for the sick and dying but was very involved in educating these men and others about transmission and prevention of the disease. Sadly, Ruth too became a pariah and little Allison, who accompanied her mother on most of her visits, was bullied and ostracized at school. Not a single classmate came to her 8th birthday party. Ruth, however, persevered and over the years through shear will and drive she was able to accomplish more and more. She and Allison became truly trusted and loved by the gay community.
Ruth had always yearned for a husband and more children, in other words, a family. Little did she know that she was destined for a family, but a family much different, but just as fulfilling as what she imagined.
December 1, 2020
Ruth Coker Burks was a young single mom living in Hot Springs, Arkansas in the spring of 1986 along with her young daughter, a daughter whose father was in the picture on weekends until a car accident changed that. But she found a family of another kind when one day she was visiting her best friend in the hospital, and happened to notice a group of nurses who were drawing straws to see who would go in to check on a patient. The patient inside a room with a red door with six Styrofoam food trays on the floor of the hall…like they were feeding a dog with a sign that read BIOHAZARD. She could hear a sound from the other side of the door, a sound so soft she could barely hear the word: ’Help.’ And so she went in to offer that help, asking what he needed, and he said, simply: ’I want my mama.’ So off she went, believing if she could just reach his mother, she would certainly come right away, and heads to the nurses station to tell them. When they refuse to call, after telling her his mama won’t come anyway, she calls the woman herself. The first time the woman hangs up, so she calls back, telling the woman off, and the woman replies to her that her son is already dead. Dead to her, although she doesn’t say that, but says he died when he ‘went gay.’
She heads back to his room, worried about what she’s going to tell him, but when she walks in, he turns to her and says: ’Oh, Mama, I knew you’d come,’ and reaches out to her. She takes his hand, letting him know she was there. She stays by his side, prays for him, for herself, for her daughter, she stays for thirteen hours. When he asks her what is going to happen to him, she says:
’Oh, angel, I’m not letting go of this hand here until Jesus takes the other one. I’m gonna stay right here until He says He is ready for you.’
And this is the beginning of how Ruth Coker Burks went from a woman who sold timeshares to a woman advocating for a better life for men like Jimmy, a woman seeking out a way to reach gay men and teach them how to avoid getting AIDS, but also how a cemetery she inherited became not only Jimmy’s final resting place, but for many that followed. An act born of spite turned into a blessing this woman would come to be grateful for. A place of solace, a final resting place for what would end up to be so many more. By the end of that summer, she’d buried eight men.
’Sitting with them, I saw a river. I felt like I was taking these young men in my arms and carrying them across the river to the other side. And there were all the friends and family, people who wouldn’t judge them, waiting to take them. I took them over that river and handed them safely to those who would love them.’
There’s so much more to this story, so many others she goes on to help, to advocate for. As phone calls begin to pour in, she learns more about this disease, and more ways to help, spending more time in hospitals, and visiting those who are not yet in hospitals. Offering them what others don’t seem to be willing to give – dignity. For this, she was ostracized by others, beginning with the members of her church. Apparently, they skipped over that part about ‘As I have loved you, love one another.’ A lesson her daughter learned at her side, by observing the love, food, assistance and care her mother freely gave these men.
This was an incredibly engaging read, I had a hard time putting it down – even when I absolutely had to. Inspiring, if heartbreaking at times, I highly recommended.
Published: 01 Dec 2020
Many thanks for the ARC provided by Grove Press / Ingram Publisher Services via Edelweiss
May 15, 2021
Exceptional bravery, courage to stand up when others sat down, the ability to know where you belong and to fight for those you believe in are all the ways to describe Ruth Cocker Burks. I am old enough to remember the AIDS crisis and when you really think about it, so many of the circumstances we found ourselves to be in now, are the same we experienced today with the Covid crisis.
Misinformation, scare tactics, panic that we all were destined to die were things that Ruth fought day and out. It was and still is the unknown that pushes us into overload and allows our empathy and caring to diminish so that we allow people to die alone. It is something that we should never have forgotten and yet here we are.
Ruth took up a cause, one that she believed in, one in which she gave honor and respect to those who were so very sick and dying. Ruth was opininless about the culture of people who were so susceptible to AIDS. She embraced them with love and respect and no matter what obstacles she faced, she went forth fighting tooth and nail for these young men.
This was a story of tragedy, of a society that seemed to feel you get what you deserve, one that broke many a heart of the victims, the men they loved, and their families. It was a story of mothers and fathers deserting their offspring because of lifestyle. It was also a story of fear, the type of fear that made us so afraid that medical personal wouldn't treat AIDS patients, or people would not go near anyone because of the fear engendered into society by unknown facts or facts that were not disseminated to the public.
However, Ruth, indomitable in a battle she was determined to win, would not be stopped. You could shun her and her young daughter, ( and many did go as far as burning crosses on her lawn), but in the end, she became someone so important and loved by the gay community, a definite woman of substance.
If you are looking for a book that indeed shows us how one person can and did make a difference to those who were dying and doomed because of knowledge that wasn't given to them, then this book deserves a place on your shelf. You will feel as I do, we definitely need more Ruth's in the world and the ability to always know ALL the facts and not be fueled by speculation and the incorrect information we are often fed.
Can't recommend this book more highly.
Misinformation, scare tactics, panic that we all were destined to die were things that Ruth fought day and out. It was and still is the unknown that pushes us into overload and allows our empathy and caring to diminish so that we allow people to die alone. It is something that we should never have forgotten and yet here we are.
Ruth took up a cause, one that she believed in, one in which she gave honor and respect to those who were so very sick and dying. Ruth was opininless about the culture of people who were so susceptible to AIDS. She embraced them with love and respect and no matter what obstacles she faced, she went forth fighting tooth and nail for these young men.
This was a story of tragedy, of a society that seemed to feel you get what you deserve, one that broke many a heart of the victims, the men they loved, and their families. It was a story of mothers and fathers deserting their offspring because of lifestyle. It was also a story of fear, the type of fear that made us so afraid that medical personal wouldn't treat AIDS patients, or people would not go near anyone because of the fear engendered into society by unknown facts or facts that were not disseminated to the public.
However, Ruth, indomitable in a battle she was determined to win, would not be stopped. You could shun her and her young daughter, ( and many did go as far as burning crosses on her lawn), but in the end, she became someone so important and loved by the gay community, a definite woman of substance.
If you are looking for a book that indeed shows us how one person can and did make a difference to those who were dying and doomed because of knowledge that wasn't given to them, then this book deserves a place on your shelf. You will feel as I do, we definitely need more Ruth's in the world and the ability to always know ALL the facts and not be fueled by speculation and the incorrect information we are often fed.
Can't recommend this book more highly.
November 26, 2020
Three nurses draw straws to see who must attend to the patient in the room with the red tarp covering the door. The patient, or whatever lies behind that door must pose a danger to the nurses because even after the loser has drawn the short straw they still argue, none of them wanting to cross the threshold.
Ruth, who is visiting her friend who has cancer, is curious when she comes across the nurses and the door. She must move closer to read the writing. While the nurses still argue about who must enter the room, Ruth slips past them. BIOHAZARD is written on the door in bold capital letters. Styrofoam food trays litter the floor around the door.
A desperate, weak cry of help goads Ruth into peering into the room behind the red tarp. This is Ruth’s first look at an AIDS patient, and the sickly emaciated body shocks her.
The year is 1986, not much is known about AIDS yet, and ignorance fuels fear. The courage that Ruth displays when she enters the young man’s room to console and wash his face is astounding considering that at this early stage, the medical community was still trying to find information on how the disease was transmitted, hence the nurses reluctance to enter.
It is an early indication, and testament, to just what type of woman Ruth is when she stays with him until he passes and then organizes his cremation. All this for somebody she just met, and who, in Ruth’s eyes at the time, could pass on a lethal disease.
This tragic meeting is the catalyst that starts off Ruth’s amazing life of helping the young men dying of AIDS. The men that nobody wanted anything to do with. I simply cannot believe the lengths she goes to, helping these strangers. At first just being there as a comfort for the dying men, organizing their cremations, with little to no help.
However, she does not stop there. She researches the disease, building her knowledge, looking for cures or preventative medicines, while pilfering drugs and paraphernalia to treat the patients. This is one incredible lady.
What makes her do this? There is no pay, no rewards, in fact the complete opposite. She is demonized, vilified, banned from medical establishments, and yet she keeps going, incredibly, increasing the help and support she provides with each day. She finds food, shelter, when money and food stamps run out, she looks for fund raising opportunities and donations. She goes through dumpsters getting food that is fresh and edible just thrown out from a wasteful society. Again, this is for people she does not know, dying of a deadly disease. She does it because she feels it is the right thing to do.
This memoir is not just about Ruth helping these men. It is about her own personal struggle being a single parent and raising a young daughter amongst her chaotic life. The effect that her decision to help these men and choose this path has on her daughter’s life. The father forever behind in child support payments, payments that are rarely paid at all.
Her own childhood, growing up without a father, and a clinically crazy mother who clinically destroys every chance of Ruth having a happy, normal childhood.
It is not an embellishment to say that people like Ruth played a vital role in the fight against AIDS. It may not have been so obvious at the time, and progress was painfully slow, but progress in almost all facets of the fight was slowly made. Awareness, treatment, myths dispelled. Ruth had the courage and the morals to help, when most of the world turned a blind eye.
While reading this memoir I was constantly reminded of “The Great Believers” by Rebecca Makkai. These recollections made this book, and what Ruth achieved even more impressive. Another book that restores my faith in humanity. 4.5 Stars!
Thanks to Netgally and Grove Press for the ARC.
Ruth, who is visiting her friend who has cancer, is curious when she comes across the nurses and the door. She must move closer to read the writing. While the nurses still argue about who must enter the room, Ruth slips past them. BIOHAZARD is written on the door in bold capital letters. Styrofoam food trays litter the floor around the door.
A desperate, weak cry of help goads Ruth into peering into the room behind the red tarp. This is Ruth’s first look at an AIDS patient, and the sickly emaciated body shocks her.
The year is 1986, not much is known about AIDS yet, and ignorance fuels fear. The courage that Ruth displays when she enters the young man’s room to console and wash his face is astounding considering that at this early stage, the medical community was still trying to find information on how the disease was transmitted, hence the nurses reluctance to enter.
It is an early indication, and testament, to just what type of woman Ruth is when she stays with him until he passes and then organizes his cremation. All this for somebody she just met, and who, in Ruth’s eyes at the time, could pass on a lethal disease.
This tragic meeting is the catalyst that starts off Ruth’s amazing life of helping the young men dying of AIDS. The men that nobody wanted anything to do with. I simply cannot believe the lengths she goes to, helping these strangers. At first just being there as a comfort for the dying men, organizing their cremations, with little to no help.
However, she does not stop there. She researches the disease, building her knowledge, looking for cures or preventative medicines, while pilfering drugs and paraphernalia to treat the patients. This is one incredible lady.
What makes her do this? There is no pay, no rewards, in fact the complete opposite. She is demonized, vilified, banned from medical establishments, and yet she keeps going, incredibly, increasing the help and support she provides with each day. She finds food, shelter, when money and food stamps run out, she looks for fund raising opportunities and donations. She goes through dumpsters getting food that is fresh and edible just thrown out from a wasteful society. Again, this is for people she does not know, dying of a deadly disease. She does it because she feels it is the right thing to do.
This memoir is not just about Ruth helping these men. It is about her own personal struggle being a single parent and raising a young daughter amongst her chaotic life. The effect that her decision to help these men and choose this path has on her daughter’s life. The father forever behind in child support payments, payments that are rarely paid at all.
Her own childhood, growing up without a father, and a clinically crazy mother who clinically destroys every chance of Ruth having a happy, normal childhood.
It is not an embellishment to say that people like Ruth played a vital role in the fight against AIDS. It may not have been so obvious at the time, and progress was painfully slow, but progress in almost all facets of the fight was slowly made. Awareness, treatment, myths dispelled. Ruth had the courage and the morals to help, when most of the world turned a blind eye.
While reading this memoir I was constantly reminded of “The Great Believers” by Rebecca Makkai. These recollections made this book, and what Ruth achieved even more impressive. Another book that restores my faith in humanity. 4.5 Stars!
Thanks to Netgally and Grove Press for the ARC.
February 21, 2021
All the Young Men: A Memoir of Love, AIDS, and Chosen Family in the American South by Ruth Coker Burks is co-authored by Kevin Carr O'Leary.The book’s subtitle states exactly what the book concerns. Ruth speaks of how she was drawn into caring for those with AIDS, how these men became her closest family along with her daughter. This woman’s soul, her personality, is fully revealed. I love her outspokenness. I admire her and ask myself if I would have had the courage to behave as she did.
The book’s straightforwardness and honesty are what makes this a winner for me.
I am heterosexual; it is in my blood, I guess in my genes, to be so. This book, more than any other I have read in the lgtb genre, opens up for me another way of being. What is delivered here speaks from the heart. It is at the same time grounded in fact.
The book opens in 1986—Ruth is twenty-six. She is the single provider of a daughter of four. Financially, she is barely scraping by. Home is Hot Springs, Arkansas. Her father, whom she had dearly loved, died when she was five. Ruth’s psychologically disturbed mother had been abusive rather than loving, placing her at one point in an orphanage. Ruth received a bizarre inheritance from her mom--cemetery plots bought in a rage to prevent Ruth’s Uncle Fred, her mother’s brother, from ever being buried next to family and kin!
In the 1980s little was known about either HIV or AIDS. People reacted with fear and hostility toward homosexuals. Not Ruth. She was different. In a hospital corridor, visiting a friend suffering from tongue cancer, she heard a weak plea for help. No one, neither nurses nor doctors responded. Outside the door, on the floor, from which the call for help emanated, lay dirty trays of uneaten food. The person pleading for help was Jimmy. He was dying, dying completely alone. No one, neither family nor friend, neither a priest, curator nor doctor had the guts to hold his hand, offer a word of solace, let alone care for him. He was dying of AIDS.
Those cemetery plots? They came to use—this is where Jimmy would be buried, the first of many whom Ruth would come to care for, become close to, have cremated and eventually bury in cookie jars.
These men are fellow human beings we get to know well. Learning of their experiences, as well as Ruth’s and her daughter’s, is the reason why this book should be read. Billy, a drag queen, became as a personal friend to ME . Not only him, others too. Few memoirs so successfully bring to life multiple persons.
At the beginning, we do not know Ruth. It is difficult to understand what made her go into Jimmy’s room. From where did she get her courage, her strength? By the end, we know both Ruth and her daughter Allison. Asked what it was like being ostracized by classmates for her closest friends being those dying of AIDS, her response was, “I didn’t know a different life, and I was happy with it.” One sees in the daughter the mother. Jobs had to be done, acting otherwise was never an option. Compassion and straightforward thinking characterize both mother and daughter. The return to the original question and the whole structuring of the book is well done.
The audiobook is narrated by Ruth Coker Burks. Her manner of speech, her no nonsense tone, reflects her personality, the woman the book shows her to be. She is not a trained narrator; at times the reading is flat. However, her emotions shine through and for me this is more important than anything else. The author’s narration I have given four stars. An accompanying PDF file provides photos of those we meet in the book. Don't miss it!
I am very glad to have read this book. It is an emotional read. It has brought me close to individuals of whom I knew little before. I am amazed at the strength of my feelings for them. It is a rewarding book. I guarantee that Ruth will be a person you come to admire.
The book’s straightforwardness and honesty are what makes this a winner for me.
I am heterosexual; it is in my blood, I guess in my genes, to be so. This book, more than any other I have read in the lgtb genre, opens up for me another way of being. What is delivered here speaks from the heart. It is at the same time grounded in fact.
The book opens in 1986—Ruth is twenty-six. She is the single provider of a daughter of four. Financially, she is barely scraping by. Home is Hot Springs, Arkansas. Her father, whom she had dearly loved, died when she was five. Ruth’s psychologically disturbed mother had been abusive rather than loving, placing her at one point in an orphanage. Ruth received a bizarre inheritance from her mom--cemetery plots bought in a rage to prevent Ruth’s Uncle Fred, her mother’s brother, from ever being buried next to family and kin!
In the 1980s little was known about either HIV or AIDS. People reacted with fear and hostility toward homosexuals. Not Ruth. She was different. In a hospital corridor, visiting a friend suffering from tongue cancer, she heard a weak plea for help. No one, neither nurses nor doctors responded. Outside the door, on the floor, from which the call for help emanated, lay dirty trays of uneaten food. The person pleading for help was Jimmy. He was dying, dying completely alone. No one, neither family nor friend, neither a priest, curator nor doctor had the guts to hold his hand, offer a word of solace, let alone care for him. He was dying of AIDS.
Those cemetery plots? They came to use—this is where Jimmy would be buried, the first of many whom Ruth would come to care for, become close to, have cremated and eventually bury in cookie jars.
These men are fellow human beings we get to know well. Learning of their experiences, as well as Ruth’s and her daughter’s, is the reason why this book should be read. Billy, a drag queen, became as a personal friend to ME . Not only him, others too. Few memoirs so successfully bring to life multiple persons.
At the beginning, we do not know Ruth. It is difficult to understand what made her go into Jimmy’s room. From where did she get her courage, her strength? By the end, we know both Ruth and her daughter Allison. Asked what it was like being ostracized by classmates for her closest friends being those dying of AIDS, her response was, “I didn’t know a different life, and I was happy with it.” One sees in the daughter the mother. Jobs had to be done, acting otherwise was never an option. Compassion and straightforward thinking characterize both mother and daughter. The return to the original question and the whole structuring of the book is well done.
The audiobook is narrated by Ruth Coker Burks. Her manner of speech, her no nonsense tone, reflects her personality, the woman the book shows her to be. She is not a trained narrator; at times the reading is flat. However, her emotions shine through and for me this is more important than anything else. The author’s narration I have given four stars. An accompanying PDF file provides photos of those we meet in the book. Don't miss it!
I am very glad to have read this book. It is an emotional read. It has brought me close to individuals of whom I knew little before. I am amazed at the strength of my feelings for them. It is a rewarding book. I guarantee that Ruth will be a person you come to admire.
May 30, 2025
2 "just don't wanna" star !!
Thank you to Grove Atlantic and Netgalley for an ecopy. This was released December 2020. I am providing an honest reaction to the first 30 percent.
I don't purport to know the truth about this woman. As I was reading, I found my radar being up and I mean way up. I went in blind about this story although some GR buddies found this to be four and five star material. Despite the accolades and admiration...my gut was saying hey....just hey...
Is this woman simply a damaged helper with her hysterics and humblebragging and harsh judgements of everybody but the poor men dying of AIDS. I just wasn't buying what she was sharing (at least fully). I decided to do a bit of research and there is a lot of controversy around the veracity of what she is sharing.... I just don't know.... but this is leaving a very sour taste on my tongue.
However if she even only did five percent of the good that she reported that is still way more than most people do in their entire lives...so there is that....
Anyhow I am stopping at 30 percent....
Thank you to Grove Atlantic and Netgalley for an ecopy. This was released December 2020. I am providing an honest reaction to the first 30 percent.
I don't purport to know the truth about this woman. As I was reading, I found my radar being up and I mean way up. I went in blind about this story although some GR buddies found this to be four and five star material. Despite the accolades and admiration...my gut was saying hey....just hey...
Is this woman simply a damaged helper with her hysterics and humblebragging and harsh judgements of everybody but the poor men dying of AIDS. I just wasn't buying what she was sharing (at least fully). I decided to do a bit of research and there is a lot of controversy around the veracity of what she is sharing.... I just don't know.... but this is leaving a very sour taste on my tongue.
However if she even only did five percent of the good that she reported that is still way more than most people do in their entire lives...so there is that....
Anyhow I am stopping at 30 percent....
April 30, 2023
A book I'm really glad I've read!
This works on at least two levels. There is the intensely person story of the author and more of that in a bit. However there is the wider story of the early days of AIDS, and in the USA particularly, and the way people generally looked at it. There is the very real deep fear in the early stages about just how easy it might be to catch AIDS however there is the bias against anything deemed not "normal" by "normal" people. The author suffers almost as much abuse for helping people with AIDS as do those who have it. Hospitals, doctors, nurses and particularly some in the religious communities she comes across are at times vile to her. She is in Arkansas for most of this book and the vilification of her and those she helps is terrible.
Her personal story of helping is remarkable and her sheer humanity is amazing. From the first person she comes across in hospital where people refuse to even enter the room - she does and stays until he dies - to the campaigning and educational works that she does later, she comes over is simply caring and concerned. Almost all of the book is about her climbing a massive hill of any form of acceptance never mind encouragement of her work. There are exception to this - the local Rotary club (most of them) - are pleased to have her speak to them. However there are times when she has to resort to something close to blackmail to get things done.
If "enjoyed" is the right word in this context I really enjoyed reading this. Her humanity and resilience is amazing. If this interest you at all it is a worthwhile read but be prepared for tough stuff (and some great humour).
This works on at least two levels. There is the intensely person story of the author and more of that in a bit. However there is the wider story of the early days of AIDS, and in the USA particularly, and the way people generally looked at it. There is the very real deep fear in the early stages about just how easy it might be to catch AIDS however there is the bias against anything deemed not "normal" by "normal" people. The author suffers almost as much abuse for helping people with AIDS as do those who have it. Hospitals, doctors, nurses and particularly some in the religious communities she comes across are at times vile to her. She is in Arkansas for most of this book and the vilification of her and those she helps is terrible.
Her personal story of helping is remarkable and her sheer humanity is amazing. From the first person she comes across in hospital where people refuse to even enter the room - she does and stays until he dies - to the campaigning and educational works that she does later, she comes over is simply caring and concerned. Almost all of the book is about her climbing a massive hill of any form of acceptance never mind encouragement of her work. There are exception to this - the local Rotary club (most of them) - are pleased to have her speak to them. However there are times when she has to resort to something close to blackmail to get things done.
If "enjoyed" is the right word in this context I really enjoyed reading this. Her humanity and resilience is amazing. If this interest you at all it is a worthwhile read but be prepared for tough stuff (and some great humour).
December 31, 2020
I have thought long and hard about what to say about this book, and whatever I come up with doesn’t seem to do it justice.
This is a book that will shake you to your very core, restore your faith in humanity, and leave you forever changed. This book is a beautiful testament to the power of human compassion and the impact that one person can make in the life of another person, community, city, state, and country. I have long believed that angels walk among us, and Ruth Coker Burks is proof of that.
At 26 years old Ruth, a single mom, is visiting a friend in the hospital when she steps out into the hallway and notices three nurses drawing straws and arguing over who will have to enter the door at the end of hall; the door covered in red biohazard plastic. As curiosity gets the best of her Ruth slips down the hall to peak inside, when she hears a muted, “help.” As she walks inside she sees the skeletal frame of Jimmy, calling for his mother. As she walks up to the nurses they stare in shock, asking in disbelief if she had just come from the room at the end of the hall. She tells them she has, and tell her he has AIDS. She tells the nurses he is asking for his mother and they tell her she will not come; that she wants nothing to do with him due to his AIDS status and the fact he’s gay.
Saddened Ruth walks back into Jimmy’s room and sits beside him, holding his hand, until hours later he passes from this life to the next. Little did she know this was only the first of many young men she would watch die, and would be the beginning of her fight for rights of persons with HIV and AIDS. Over the years she created her own network, taking her guys to doctor’s appointments, helping them get social security benefits, cooking and delivering meals for them, holding their hands in their final moments, and most of the time arranging for their cremation, and the burying them herself under cover of darkness; as many were afraid that AIDS would infect the cemetery.
Ruth also monitored symptoms, recorded therapies and their effects, helped her patients get medicine, and visited strip clubs and bars to provide safe sex education and condoms as measures of prevention.
While reading this book I cried, I laughed, I cheered for Ruth and her guys, I became angry with the medical staff who chose to remain ignorant and treat their HIV/AIDS patients as lesser beings. I felt fear when Ruth received threats; and disgust when one family showed up only after a death to claim his belongings.
This is a must read for everyone!! I would like to thank Netgalley and the publisher for giving me the opportunity to review this book. And I would like to thank Ruth Coker Burks for stepping in where so many failed.
This is a book that will shake you to your very core, restore your faith in humanity, and leave you forever changed. This book is a beautiful testament to the power of human compassion and the impact that one person can make in the life of another person, community, city, state, and country. I have long believed that angels walk among us, and Ruth Coker Burks is proof of that.
At 26 years old Ruth, a single mom, is visiting a friend in the hospital when she steps out into the hallway and notices three nurses drawing straws and arguing over who will have to enter the door at the end of hall; the door covered in red biohazard plastic. As curiosity gets the best of her Ruth slips down the hall to peak inside, when she hears a muted, “help.” As she walks inside she sees the skeletal frame of Jimmy, calling for his mother. As she walks up to the nurses they stare in shock, asking in disbelief if she had just come from the room at the end of the hall. She tells them she has, and tell her he has AIDS. She tells the nurses he is asking for his mother and they tell her she will not come; that she wants nothing to do with him due to his AIDS status and the fact he’s gay.
Saddened Ruth walks back into Jimmy’s room and sits beside him, holding his hand, until hours later he passes from this life to the next. Little did she know this was only the first of many young men she would watch die, and would be the beginning of her fight for rights of persons with HIV and AIDS. Over the years she created her own network, taking her guys to doctor’s appointments, helping them get social security benefits, cooking and delivering meals for them, holding their hands in their final moments, and most of the time arranging for their cremation, and the burying them herself under cover of darkness; as many were afraid that AIDS would infect the cemetery.
Ruth also monitored symptoms, recorded therapies and their effects, helped her patients get medicine, and visited strip clubs and bars to provide safe sex education and condoms as measures of prevention.
While reading this book I cried, I laughed, I cheered for Ruth and her guys, I became angry with the medical staff who chose to remain ignorant and treat their HIV/AIDS patients as lesser beings. I felt fear when Ruth received threats; and disgust when one family showed up only after a death to claim his belongings.
This is a must read for everyone!! I would like to thank Netgalley and the publisher for giving me the opportunity to review this book. And I would like to thank Ruth Coker Burks for stepping in where so many failed.
March 28, 2025
I bought this non-fiction book over a year ago - so happy I finally picked it up and cracked it open.
Ruth Coker Burks is the narrator and she tells her readers about the time in her life between about 1986 through the early 90’s in Hot Springs Arkansas. It starts out with mid-twenties/single mom Ruth visiting her friend in the hospital with cancer. She sees an isolation room that none of the nurses want to go in, undelivered food trays scattered the floor outside the room and the sound of a voice needing help coming from inside the room. No one goes in so Ruth does. A young man, only hours away from dying, is asking for his mother. His mother won’t come because he has AIDS. Ruth stays with him until his final breath.
So begins the story of the next 5-10 years of her life in which she dedicates her time and heart to patients with HIV and AIDS during a time when no one knew how to help them - she was also in a place (Arkansas) where no one wanted to help them (even though many people in the community wore their “Christian badge” proudly on their sleeves).
Thank goodness for people like Ruth. As I read this I thought back to taking care of HIV and AIDS patients in the early through mid-90’s. I can still remember every one of our patients at the infectious disease office I worked at who died from AIDS. I am also happy to say that I was there to see the huge improvements in HIV patient’s lives when protease inhibitors and other new meds became available to them.
While the editing of this book could have been improved- I am not going to hold that against Ruth. She told us her story and the story of the family her and her daughter gained in her own words and my heart warmed as I read it.
Ruth Coker Burks is the narrator and she tells her readers about the time in her life between about 1986 through the early 90’s in Hot Springs Arkansas. It starts out with mid-twenties/single mom Ruth visiting her friend in the hospital with cancer. She sees an isolation room that none of the nurses want to go in, undelivered food trays scattered the floor outside the room and the sound of a voice needing help coming from inside the room. No one goes in so Ruth does. A young man, only hours away from dying, is asking for his mother. His mother won’t come because he has AIDS. Ruth stays with him until his final breath.
So begins the story of the next 5-10 years of her life in which she dedicates her time and heart to patients with HIV and AIDS during a time when no one knew how to help them - she was also in a place (Arkansas) where no one wanted to help them (even though many people in the community wore their “Christian badge” proudly on their sleeves).
Thank goodness for people like Ruth. As I read this I thought back to taking care of HIV and AIDS patients in the early through mid-90’s. I can still remember every one of our patients at the infectious disease office I worked at who died from AIDS. I am also happy to say that I was there to see the huge improvements in HIV patient’s lives when protease inhibitors and other new meds became available to them.
While the editing of this book could have been improved- I am not going to hold that against Ruth. She told us her story and the story of the family her and her daughter gained in her own words and my heart warmed as I read it.
November 12, 2021
Recently I went to see a good new production of 'The Normal Heart' at The National Theatre and it reminded me that I meant to read this recent memoir. In the mid-80s Ruth Coker Burks was visiting a friend in an Arkansas hospital when she noticed a nearby patient's door was painted red and the nurses were arguing about who had to go in to tend to the patient. Feeling concerned for whoever was inside, she entered herself and found a man dying of an AIDS-related illness. Rather than succumb to fear as many people did at that time (and especially in that highly-religious, predominantly-conservative part of the country) she was overwhelmed by human sympathy for a man in pain and alone in the last hours of his life. From there she started caring for other young men suffering and dying from the same affliction.
As her involvement grew, she not only assisted them at the end of their lives and help to put their remains to rest (when some literally abandoned these men's corpses) but she also became an activist trying to source medication, spread awareness, distribute food and sexual protection amongst the gay community and create political change. Her intense dedication to this cause is in some ways astounding because she was a single working mother who was also Christian and heterosexual. By associating with and helping these reviled men she and her daughter were ostracised themselves. But, at the same time, she saw her involvement as the only possible response to help people who were clearly suffering. I admire how she refused to compromise her sense of caring for those in need even when she felt the same fears those around her were experiencing because there was so little understanding at the time what AIDS was or how it is spread. We follow not only her story getting involved in this cause but learn about the many individuals she befriended and lost because of AIDS because these men were never just a number or statistic to her.
Read my full review of All the Young Men by Ruth Coker Burks on LonesomeReader
As her involvement grew, she not only assisted them at the end of their lives and help to put their remains to rest (when some literally abandoned these men's corpses) but she also became an activist trying to source medication, spread awareness, distribute food and sexual protection amongst the gay community and create political change. Her intense dedication to this cause is in some ways astounding because she was a single working mother who was also Christian and heterosexual. By associating with and helping these reviled men she and her daughter were ostracised themselves. But, at the same time, she saw her involvement as the only possible response to help people who were clearly suffering. I admire how she refused to compromise her sense of caring for those in need even when she felt the same fears those around her were experiencing because there was so little understanding at the time what AIDS was or how it is spread. We follow not only her story getting involved in this cause but learn about the many individuals she befriended and lost because of AIDS because these men were never just a number or statistic to her.
Read my full review of All the Young Men by Ruth Coker Burks on LonesomeReader
October 26, 2022
It's one thing to do the hard and unpleasant work of feeding the homeless or in all respects honorable: rescue Amur tigers. And it's quite another thing to enter the room of a dying person from an unknown disease, which, who knows, can be transmitted by airborne droplets.
She came in. At this time, a young single mother came to the hospital to visit a friend. The nurses cast lots to see who would get into a biosecurity suit for a guy who died behind a transparent plastic partition in a ward at the end of the corridor. The guy who had boats with food put on the floor behind this partition, and he no longer had the strength to reach out, nor the desire to eat. He groaned. She came in and sat next to him until he died. And after the cremation, they buried the ashes, sent for some reason to their address from a funeral agency, at the place of their relatives.
Со-Страдание
В ту ночь я уже лежала в кровати, когда в одиннадцать часов зазвонил телефон. После десяти вечера люди редко звонят, чтобы сообщить хорошие новости. Готовая к любому повороту событий, я смиренно потянулась за трубкой.
– Рут, это Билл.
– Что вы хотели?
– Ничего, просто… Рут, это Билл.
– Прошу прощения, кто это?
– Билл.
– О, – протянула я. – О, это вы, губернатор Клинтон. Здравствуйте.
– Что-то не так? – спросил он.
– Простите, я пролистывала свой воображаемый список, пытаясь понять, кто может звонить мне в такое время, но вас в нем не оказалось. И, учитывая, по какому поводу мне обычно звонят, для вас это большая удача
– Рути, я хочу, чтобы ты знала, что завтра я объявлю о своем участии в президентских выборах.
– О, это просто чудесно, – сказала я. – Вы нам нужны!
Учитывая повод, по какому этой женщине обычно звонили после десяти, не быть в ее воображаемом списке действительно большая удача. И будущий-бывший президент Соединенных Штатов не исключение. Рут Кокеер Беркс, известная как "Кладбищенский ангел", заботилась об умирающих от СПИДа, а после смерти и кремации хоронила их прах научастках кладбища в Хот Спрингс, Арканзас, принадлежащих ее семье .
картинка majj-s
Все это происходило в самое тяжелое десятилетие, с 1984 по 1995 годы, немного времени спустя, после того, как вирус начал выкашивать по преимуществу наркоманов и геев, Никто еще ничего толком не знал о заболевании: пути заражения, способы выявления, протекание, возможность лечения, отличие ВИЧ-инфекции от СПИДа.
Я в то время уже жила на свете (я немолода), и помню, как прочитала в советской газете о новой страшной заразе, которая лютуют на Западе. И как думала: "Блин, если эта гадость передается через кровь, то комар укусит сначала зараженного, потом меня и мы все умрем." Между прочим, я до сих пор считаю великим счастьем, что через укусы насекомых это не передается. Для всего остального есть презервативы и одноразовые шприцы.
У нас в России к благотворительности и волонтерству настороженное и неприязненное отношение, а в мире этот социальный институт давно стал мощным инструментом поддержки. Но милосердие милосердию рознь. Одно дело выполнять трудную и неприятную работу кормления бездомных или во всех отношениях почетную - спасения амурских тигров. И совсем другое войти в палату умирающего от неизвестной болезни, которая, кто знает - может и воздушно-капельным путем передается.
Она вошла. На тот момент молодая мать-одиночка, пришедшая в больницу навестить подругу. Медсестры тянули жребий, кому выпадет войти в костюме биозащиты к парню, умиравшему за прозрачной пластиковой перегородкой в палате в конце коридора. Тому парню, которому они ставили судки с едой на пол за этой перегородкой, а у него уже не было ни сил дотянуться, ни желания есть. Он стонал. Она вошла и сидела возле него, пока не умер. А после кремации подхоронила на участок своих родственников присланный почему-то на ее адрес из похоронного агентства прах.
С этого начались звонки из больниц, куда "такие" больные поступали. Сначала она сидела с умирающими, потом сарафанное радио разнесло, что есть такая, не то сумасшедшая, не то святая. и она начала заботиться о многих ВИЧ-инфицированных. Не получая помощи, на средства со своих риэлторских заработков, которых конечно же не хватало. И приходилось забирать из мусорных баков выброшенные магазинами продукты с закончившимся сроком годности, чтобы готовить еду для своих ребят.
Ей угрожали, плевали вслед и оскорбляли в лицо, поджигали возле ее дома ку-клукс-клановские кресты. Она продолжала делать свое дело, стучаться во все двери, просить пожертвований, распространять информацию о ВИЧ и СПИДе, привлекать к проблеме внимание общества. И неважно, что там говорят про сбор средств на памятник, который так и не был установлен. И не суть, что некоторые утверждения автора кажутся сильно сомнительными или противоречивыми. Даже если бы она помогла всего одному умирающему, эта женщина уже была бы достойна уважения.
А меня довел до слез тот разговор, который вынесла в эпиграф. Просто поняла, что в России такое было бы совершенно невозможно. Кандидат в президенты звонит волонтеру-активистке, чтобы заручиться поддержкой того движения, олицетворением которого она стала. И в свою очередь обещает поддержку, в случае избрания. Надо сказать, что свое обещание Клинтон сдержал, отношение к инфицированным и больным изменилось на всех уровнях в годы его правления.
Удивительная женщина. Я даже не могу сказать "побольше бы таких", потому что таких одна на миллион. Но хорошо, что она есть.
She came in. At this time, a young single mother came to the hospital to visit a friend. The nurses cast lots to see who would get into a biosecurity suit for a guy who died behind a transparent plastic partition in a ward at the end of the corridor. The guy who had boats with food put on the floor behind this partition, and he no longer had the strength to reach out, nor the desire to eat. He groaned. She came in and sat next to him until he died. And after the cremation, they buried the ashes, sent for some reason to their address from a funeral agency, at the place of their relatives.
Со-Страдание
В ту ночь я уже лежала в кровати, когда в одиннадцать часов зазвонил телефон. После десяти вечера люди редко звонят, чтобы сообщить хорошие новости. Готовая к любому повороту событий, я смиренно потянулась за трубкой.
– Рут, это Билл.
– Что вы хотели?
– Ничего, просто… Рут, это Билл.
– Прошу прощения, кто это?
– Билл.
– О, – протянула я. – О, это вы, губернатор Клинтон. Здравствуйте.
– Что-то не так? – спросил он.
– Простите, я пролистывала свой воображаемый список, пытаясь понять, кто может звонить мне в такое время, но вас в нем не оказалось. И, учитывая, по какому поводу мне обычно звонят, для вас это большая удача
– Рути, я хочу, чтобы ты знала, что завтра я объявлю о своем участии в президентских выборах.
– О, это просто чудесно, – сказала я. – Вы нам нужны!
Учитывая повод, по какому этой женщине обычно звонили после десяти, не быть в ее воображаемом списке действительно большая удача. И будущий-бывший президент Соединенных Штатов не исключение. Рут Кокеер Беркс, известная как "Кладбищенский ангел", заботилась об умирающих от СПИДа, а после смерти и кремации хоронила их прах научастках кладбища в Хот Спрингс, Арканзас, принадлежащих ее семье .
картинка majj-s
Все это происходило в самое тяжелое десятилетие, с 1984 по 1995 годы, немного времени спустя, после того, как вирус начал выкашивать по преимуществу наркоманов и геев, Никто еще ничего толком не знал о заболевании: пути заражения, способы выявления, протекание, возможность лечения, отличие ВИЧ-инфекции от СПИДа.
Я в то время уже жила на свете (я немолода), и помню, как прочитала в советской газете о новой страшной заразе, которая лютуют на Западе. И как думала: "Блин, если эта гадость передается через кровь, то комар укусит сначала зараженного, потом меня и мы все умрем." Между прочим, я до сих пор считаю великим счастьем, что через укусы насекомых это не передается. Для всего остального есть презервативы и одноразовые шприцы.
У нас в России к благотворительности и волонтерству настороженное и неприязненное отношение, а в мире этот социальный институт давно стал мощным инструментом поддержки. Но милосердие милосердию рознь. Одно дело выполнять трудную и неприятную работу кормления бездомных или во всех отношениях почетную - спасения амурских тигров. И совсем другое войти в палату умирающего от неизвестной болезни, которая, кто знает - может и воздушно-капельным путем передается.
Она вошла. На тот момент молодая мать-одиночка, пришедшая в больницу навестить подругу. Медсестры тянули жребий, кому выпадет войти в костюме биозащиты к парню, умиравшему за прозрачной пластиковой перегородкой в палате в конце коридора. Тому парню, которому они ставили судки с едой на пол за этой перегородкой, а у него уже не было ни сил дотянуться, ни желания есть. Он стонал. Она вошла и сидела возле него, пока не умер. А после кремации подхоронила на участок своих родственников присланный почему-то на ее адрес из похоронного агентства прах.
С этого начались звонки из больниц, куда "такие" больные поступали. Сначала она сидела с умирающими, потом сарафанное радио разнесло, что есть такая, не то сумасшедшая, не то святая. и она начала заботиться о многих ВИЧ-инфицированных. Не получая помощи, на средства со своих риэлторских заработков, которых конечно же не хватало. И приходилось забирать из мусорных баков выброшенные магазинами продукты с закончившимся сроком годности, чтобы готовить еду для своих ребят.
Ей угрожали, плевали вслед и оскорбляли в лицо, поджигали возле ее дома ку-клукс-клановские кресты. Она продолжала делать свое дело, стучаться во все двери, просить пожертвований, распространять информацию о ВИЧ и СПИДе, привлекать к проблеме внимание общества. И неважно, что там говорят про сбор средств на памятник, который так и не был установлен. И не суть, что некоторые утверждения автора кажутся сильно сомнительными или противоречивыми. Даже если бы она помогла всего одному умирающему, эта женщина уже была бы достойна уважения.
А меня довел до слез тот разговор, который вынесла в эпиграф. Просто поняла, что в России такое было бы совершенно невозможно. Кандидат в президенты звонит волонтеру-активистке, чтобы заручиться поддержкой того движения, олицетворением которого она стала. И в свою очередь обещает поддержку, в случае избрания. Надо сказать, что свое обещание Клинтон сдержал, отношение к инфицированным и больным изменилось на всех уровнях в годы его правления.
Удивительная женщина. Я даже не могу сказать "побольше бы таких", потому что таких одна на миллион. Но хорошо, что она есть.
July 28, 2025
The draw of this book was Coker Burks' work with men with AIDS in Arkansas during the height of the pandemic. I can remember this time period and the fear and prejudice surrounding this virus. Coker Burks did so much to make the men quickly perishing from AIDS more comfortable. She treated them with humanity when others didn't.
I read over 200 pages of the book and skipped to the epilogue. While this is engaging material, I fear the writing itself makes the content suffer. There isn't enough reflection on the enormity of this work. Still, I liked the perspective and respect the tremendous barriers Coker Burks broke through.
The author was interviewed on the This is Love podcast. Take a listen as she pretty much discusses everything in the book.
https://thisislovepodcast.com/episode...
I read over 200 pages of the book and skipped to the epilogue. While this is engaging material, I fear the writing itself makes the content suffer. There isn't enough reflection on the enormity of this work. Still, I liked the perspective and respect the tremendous barriers Coker Burks broke through.
The author was interviewed on the This is Love podcast. Take a listen as she pretty much discusses everything in the book.
https://thisislovepodcast.com/episode...
August 16, 2022
Well. I've read many AIDS memoirs, and a painful pile of AIDS fiction and at one point in my life I vowed never to read another word about AIDS. However, the wheel has turned, as it does, and I have recently been reading more about the 1980s and 1990s and the ongoing epidemic that only the very young and foolish believe to be over.
This is an unusual memoir in that it is set in small town Arkansas, and it was difficult for this reader to read about the bigotry, prejudice, ignorance, hatred, spite and just plain meanness — directed not just at the people with AIDS, but also at people like Burks who were trying to help those in need.
I remember the vitriol directed at a child named Ryan White who had contracted HIV through a blood transfusion, so I shouldn't have been surprised by this memoir. I also remember that people infected through the blood supply were often considered "innocent" victims. Burks repeats hateful comments that she heard from families and others, and the weight of that hatred can be hard to bear.
In this book, it is a rare that a family will reconcile with their sick and dying son, and that is painful to hear over and over. (I like to assume that many other families did embrace their sons, and therefore they did not need so much help from strangers and we don't encounter them in this book.)
I did roll my eyes a couple of times. When Burks claims to have motivated "the lesbians" to help take care of the boys I did a double eye roll, because lesbians were famous for pitching in and helping. However, I don't know what it was like in Hot Springs, Arkansas, nor do I know what sort of public health campaigns they had at the time.
The "boys" seem so clueless and helpless, and the way Burks tell the tale she was the only one who would help them. I'm glad they found her, and that she was able to make friends, some of whom broke her heart by dying too soon, and others who are still around.
Not an easy book to read, and in many ways it is about the community Burks lived in, and the church she attended, rather than being about "all the young men."
This is an unusual memoir in that it is set in small town Arkansas, and it was difficult for this reader to read about the bigotry, prejudice, ignorance, hatred, spite and just plain meanness — directed not just at the people with AIDS, but also at people like Burks who were trying to help those in need.
I remember the vitriol directed at a child named Ryan White who had contracted HIV through a blood transfusion, so I shouldn't have been surprised by this memoir. I also remember that people infected through the blood supply were often considered "innocent" victims. Burks repeats hateful comments that she heard from families and others, and the weight of that hatred can be hard to bear.
In this book, it is a rare that a family will reconcile with their sick and dying son, and that is painful to hear over and over. (I like to assume that many other families did embrace their sons, and therefore they did not need so much help from strangers and we don't encounter them in this book.)
I did roll my eyes a couple of times. When Burks claims to have motivated "the lesbians" to help take care of the boys I did a double eye roll, because lesbians were famous for pitching in and helping. However, I don't know what it was like in Hot Springs, Arkansas, nor do I know what sort of public health campaigns they had at the time.
The "boys" seem so clueless and helpless, and the way Burks tell the tale she was the only one who would help them. I'm glad they found her, and that she was able to make friends, some of whom broke her heart by dying too soon, and others who are still around.
Not an easy book to read, and in many ways it is about the community Burks lived in, and the church she attended, rather than being about "all the young men."
May 27, 2021
Saint Ruth Coker Burks. Oh, the Catholic Church will never canonize her, and don’t worry, she’s not dead yet, which is the first requirement for sainthood. No other church in Hot Springs or in any other city or town in Arkansas back in the late 80s would have either. You see, Ruth was a one-woman crusader, and people hated what she did. She chronicles her story in her memoir, All the Young Men. If I can make it through writing this review without shedding a single tear, that will be amazing, because this is truly an emotionally moving book.
When Ruth was just a 26-year-old single mother who was visiting her friend Bonnie at the hospital following her cancer surgery, she noticed a red door. The nurses were all reluctant to go into the room to see the patient. They were drawing straws! Upon hearing a weak call for help, Ruth peered in and saw a very ill young man, who was calling out for his mama. Ignoring protocols, Ruth entered the room and spoke with the man, whose name was Jimmy. She eventually reached his mother, who wanted nothing to do with him. Jimmy was gay. He was dying of AIDS. Ruth returned to Jimmy’s room and sat with him until he slipped away. Because no funeral home wanted to embalm him or have him buried, Ruth took charge of his remains. She had him cremated and buried his ashes at her family’s cemetery, Files Cemetery. She was worried, though, that people in town would be outraged that she was burying an AIDS patient there, so she discreetly buried him by her father’s grave. Thus began Ruth’s commitment to helping “her guys.”
There were very few in the community who would help, so Ruth was on her own most of the time. I admired her resourcefulness as she scraped together supplies, medications, and food. She read all she could and spoke to any healthcare professional who would take the time to educate her about HIV/AIDS. Not much was known in the early days of the outbreak, and AZT was a new discovery, and so very expensive. When one of her guys would die, Ruth would stockpile his extra pills to give to someone else. She became an expert dumpster diver, salvaging non-salable, yet edible food to make meals. Most importantly, she learned the rules of the Social Security and Medicaid system so she could help patients find affordable housing and medical coverage to help meet their needs, since so many were unable to work.
The hardships of each of these men may start to sound like a broken record after a while, and Ruth learned to deal with their problems with cool-headed efficiency. But she was anything but heartless. She grew tremendously attached to many of these men. At first, some were wary and reluctant to trust this straight woman who was talking about condoms and safer sex. But she wasn’t what they expected, not a do-gooder or a “fag hag.” Most came to trust her, and after the gay bar Our House opened and Ruth started meeting the drag queens, they all became like family. This included her daughter Allison, who came to love many of these as family too.
Allison was only three at the start of the book, and she spent time with her dad on weekends. As Ruth became more involved with her AIDS work, Allison tagged along, meeting the guys, who all loved spending time with her. Some of them were dads, also, but sadly, most had no contact with the mothers or their children. Most had been abandoned, disinherited by their parents and siblings as well. First, they were condemned for being gay. Then they were feared and abhorred for contracting HIV. Allison did not seem bothered in the least. She was picked on or ignored at school. At least with these guys she was accepted and loved, and she was doing something special, like her mom. Billy, everyone’s favorite drag queen, had this advice for Allison, “Be pretty if you can, witty if you must, and gracious if it kills you.”
The idea that nurses, doctors, and church leaders all shunned these very ill patients was reprehensible to me. Medical providers take an oath. Church officials profess love for all. I felt very sad that these men – and children, who had contracted the disease through blood transfusions – were so ostracized and condemned by so many people.
But not Ruth. She worked so hard to provide food, shelter, medical care for these guys, her guys. She provided friendship, and she received love and friendship in return. She sat at the bedside of too many dying men. Another quote from her beloved Billy, “What we have now can’t be destroyed. That’s our victory – and our victory over the dark . It’s a victory because we’re not afraid.” Unfortunately, she arranged too many funerals. One of the men requested Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young” at his funeral, much to the chagrin of his family and the joy of his friends. " Well, only the good die young. That’s what I said. Only the good die young. Only the good die young." Each time one of her special friends died, I felt like I lost someone special too.
Ruth experienced rejection and harassment too. Some medical professionals and others with degrees did not take her seriously. Yet, she persisted. Who’d have thought that Hot Springs would be a hotbed of HIV/AIDS in the late 1980s? I’m sure Ruth Coker Burks was as surprised as anyone. But rather than sweeping it under the rug, she rolled up her sleeves and went to work. Arkansas and the nation owe her a ton of gratitude. Fortunately, there have been great gains in HIV/AIDS research. There is no vaccine yet, but medications can greatly prolong the lives of HIV-positive patients. Ruth credits fellow Arkansan, Bill Clinton, with shining a spotlight on the plight of HIV/AIDS research and treatment. (There is a great anecdote relating to his inauguration.) How these men endured all the many losses of lovers and friends, the fear of getting sick, the rejection by loved ones, employers, landlords...It boggles my mind!
CBS recently highlighted Ruth on its Sunday Morning program for World AIDS Day. It’s a lovely piece, and it was wonderful to see Billy’s former partner Paul in this segment. A few tears? Yes.
https://www.cbs.com/shows/cbs-sunday-...
I have not read many memoirs, but this is one was definitely worth reading. I laughed, I cried, I raged. I cried some more. Mostly I marveled. I am in awe of Ruth Coker Burks. Saint Ruth.
5 stars
When Ruth was just a 26-year-old single mother who was visiting her friend Bonnie at the hospital following her cancer surgery, she noticed a red door. The nurses were all reluctant to go into the room to see the patient. They were drawing straws! Upon hearing a weak call for help, Ruth peered in and saw a very ill young man, who was calling out for his mama. Ignoring protocols, Ruth entered the room and spoke with the man, whose name was Jimmy. She eventually reached his mother, who wanted nothing to do with him. Jimmy was gay. He was dying of AIDS. Ruth returned to Jimmy’s room and sat with him until he slipped away. Because no funeral home wanted to embalm him or have him buried, Ruth took charge of his remains. She had him cremated and buried his ashes at her family’s cemetery, Files Cemetery. She was worried, though, that people in town would be outraged that she was burying an AIDS patient there, so she discreetly buried him by her father’s grave. Thus began Ruth’s commitment to helping “her guys.”
There were very few in the community who would help, so Ruth was on her own most of the time. I admired her resourcefulness as she scraped together supplies, medications, and food. She read all she could and spoke to any healthcare professional who would take the time to educate her about HIV/AIDS. Not much was known in the early days of the outbreak, and AZT was a new discovery, and so very expensive. When one of her guys would die, Ruth would stockpile his extra pills to give to someone else. She became an expert dumpster diver, salvaging non-salable, yet edible food to make meals. Most importantly, she learned the rules of the Social Security and Medicaid system so she could help patients find affordable housing and medical coverage to help meet their needs, since so many were unable to work.
The hardships of each of these men may start to sound like a broken record after a while, and Ruth learned to deal with their problems with cool-headed efficiency. But she was anything but heartless. She grew tremendously attached to many of these men. At first, some were wary and reluctant to trust this straight woman who was talking about condoms and safer sex. But she wasn’t what they expected, not a do-gooder or a “fag hag.” Most came to trust her, and after the gay bar Our House opened and Ruth started meeting the drag queens, they all became like family. This included her daughter Allison, who came to love many of these as family too.
Allison was only three at the start of the book, and she spent time with her dad on weekends. As Ruth became more involved with her AIDS work, Allison tagged along, meeting the guys, who all loved spending time with her. Some of them were dads, also, but sadly, most had no contact with the mothers or their children. Most had been abandoned, disinherited by their parents and siblings as well. First, they were condemned for being gay. Then they were feared and abhorred for contracting HIV. Allison did not seem bothered in the least. She was picked on or ignored at school. At least with these guys she was accepted and loved, and she was doing something special, like her mom. Billy, everyone’s favorite drag queen, had this advice for Allison, “Be pretty if you can, witty if you must, and gracious if it kills you.”
The idea that nurses, doctors, and church leaders all shunned these very ill patients was reprehensible to me. Medical providers take an oath. Church officials profess love for all. I felt very sad that these men – and children, who had contracted the disease through blood transfusions – were so ostracized and condemned by so many people.
But not Ruth. She worked so hard to provide food, shelter, medical care for these guys, her guys. She provided friendship, and she received love and friendship in return. She sat at the bedside of too many dying men. Another quote from her beloved Billy, “What we have now can’t be destroyed. That’s our victory – and our victory over the dark . It’s a victory because we’re not afraid.” Unfortunately, she arranged too many funerals. One of the men requested Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young” at his funeral, much to the chagrin of his family and the joy of his friends. " Well, only the good die young. That’s what I said. Only the good die young. Only the good die young." Each time one of her special friends died, I felt like I lost someone special too.
Ruth experienced rejection and harassment too. Some medical professionals and others with degrees did not take her seriously. Yet, she persisted. Who’d have thought that Hot Springs would be a hotbed of HIV/AIDS in the late 1980s? I’m sure Ruth Coker Burks was as surprised as anyone. But rather than sweeping it under the rug, she rolled up her sleeves and went to work. Arkansas and the nation owe her a ton of gratitude. Fortunately, there have been great gains in HIV/AIDS research. There is no vaccine yet, but medications can greatly prolong the lives of HIV-positive patients. Ruth credits fellow Arkansan, Bill Clinton, with shining a spotlight on the plight of HIV/AIDS research and treatment. (There is a great anecdote relating to his inauguration.) How these men endured all the many losses of lovers and friends, the fear of getting sick, the rejection by loved ones, employers, landlords...It boggles my mind!
CBS recently highlighted Ruth on its Sunday Morning program for World AIDS Day. It’s a lovely piece, and it was wonderful to see Billy’s former partner Paul in this segment. A few tears? Yes.
https://www.cbs.com/shows/cbs-sunday-...
I have not read many memoirs, but this is one was definitely worth reading. I laughed, I cried, I raged. I cried some more. Mostly I marveled. I am in awe of Ruth Coker Burks. Saint Ruth.
5 stars
January 1, 2021
As recently as last week I became aware of this memoir when I read a trusted friends five star review of it. It sounded inspiring and Angela's words describing All The Young Men. A Memoir of Love, AIDS, and Chosen Family in the American South brought to mind Abraham Verghese's book 'My own Country. A Doctor's Story of a Town and it's People In The Age of AIDS' which I'd read some two or three years ago. I had been mightily impressed, shocked and moved by the Verghese title and this one impacted me in exactly the same way.
Though this is a story about the early years of AIDS I found myself reading with a similar mindset as the one I have when reading holocaust stories. Both are important because they remind us of our recent history and provide important lessons to help ensure our mistakes are never repeated. I feel shocked at the atrocious ways people behave towards others, the way they're able to turn a blind eye to what's going on around them. I feel the utmost admiration for those who stepped up to come to the aid of others and I find myself challenged to wonder which of the two categories I would find myself in.
I'd like to think I'd be in the latter category of those who risked everything for others but fear I would not have the strength nor courage to be that person. Ruth Coker Burks is one person who definitely fell into that category. Ruth was not a health professional in the regularly accepted sense. She did not study as a medical practitioner but despite her lack of formal qualifications she was so much more of a carer to dozens (scores) of people from across the state of Arkansas than other so called carers - Doctors, family members, religious groups and even morticians. In a time when fear and ignorance of AIDS prevailed, where homosexuality was an actual crime and prejudice against gays was rife. In a time when whole communities were prepared to turn away, to shun, to ignore, to abuse and to simply refuse to provide any assistance or compassion whatsoever to AIDS sufferers Ruth was out there literally getting her hands dirty and getting things done. Her greatest gift was that of compassion, showing these men and women that somebody cared for them. She fed, bathed and cared for them. She advocated on their behalf. She researched and learnt all she could and then educated others. She sought practical assistance, food and housing, she co-ordinated medical attention and medication, and when the end came she arranged funerals and buried the poor souls whose families had disowned them.
This lady was top of the class in the real world school of good deeds and humanity. There was no mention of any kind of recognition for her and she was certainly not in it for the money, but in my opinion she deserves commendation for her actions. Top marks too for Kevin Carr O'Leary who put her story into words. He made it an engaging and highly readable work and I thank him for his efforts in sharing Ruths story. My thanks must also go to Grove Press and NetGalley for the opportunity of reading this digital ARC in exchange for an honest review which it was my pleasure to provide.
Though this is a story about the early years of AIDS I found myself reading with a similar mindset as the one I have when reading holocaust stories. Both are important because they remind us of our recent history and provide important lessons to help ensure our mistakes are never repeated. I feel shocked at the atrocious ways people behave towards others, the way they're able to turn a blind eye to what's going on around them. I feel the utmost admiration for those who stepped up to come to the aid of others and I find myself challenged to wonder which of the two categories I would find myself in.
I'd like to think I'd be in the latter category of those who risked everything for others but fear I would not have the strength nor courage to be that person. Ruth Coker Burks is one person who definitely fell into that category. Ruth was not a health professional in the regularly accepted sense. She did not study as a medical practitioner but despite her lack of formal qualifications she was so much more of a carer to dozens (scores) of people from across the state of Arkansas than other so called carers - Doctors, family members, religious groups and even morticians. In a time when fear and ignorance of AIDS prevailed, where homosexuality was an actual crime and prejudice against gays was rife. In a time when whole communities were prepared to turn away, to shun, to ignore, to abuse and to simply refuse to provide any assistance or compassion whatsoever to AIDS sufferers Ruth was out there literally getting her hands dirty and getting things done. Her greatest gift was that of compassion, showing these men and women that somebody cared for them. She fed, bathed and cared for them. She advocated on their behalf. She researched and learnt all she could and then educated others. She sought practical assistance, food and housing, she co-ordinated medical attention and medication, and when the end came she arranged funerals and buried the poor souls whose families had disowned them.
This lady was top of the class in the real world school of good deeds and humanity. There was no mention of any kind of recognition for her and she was certainly not in it for the money, but in my opinion she deserves commendation for her actions. Top marks too for Kevin Carr O'Leary who put her story into words. He made it an engaging and highly readable work and I thank him for his efforts in sharing Ruths story. My thanks must also go to Grove Press and NetGalley for the opportunity of reading this digital ARC in exchange for an honest review which it was my pleasure to provide.
April 16, 2021
In 1986, Ruth Coker Burks was a single mother visiting a friend recovering from cancer in the hospital when she found a young man dying alone down the hall. The hospital staff refused to care for him, leaving food trays outside his door though he couldn't even get out of bed. Standing at his door, Ruth heard him plead for his mother.
His mother would not come. Ruth not only stepped into his room but also held his hand, and this is where the journey begins.
It was the early years of the AIDS crisis - full of fear and ignorance. Families refused to care for their dying children and feared they would be shunned if anyone found out about them. Ruth’s name was passed around as she helped “her guys” (as she lovingly calls them) navigate social services, find work, educate them as well as herself about the HIV/AIDS crisis, and help them keep their dignity until the end.
Hopeful and heartbreaking at the same time, Ruth’s faith and persistence is inspiring. All the Young Men examines her life - from childhood to single motherhood - and the lives of the men she cared for as the world was only beginning to understand HIV/AIDS.
Full of heart, courage, and compassion, All the Young Men is an incredible memoir and loving tribute to those lost.
For more reviews, visit www.rootsandreads.wordpress.com
His mother would not come. Ruth not only stepped into his room but also held his hand, and this is where the journey begins.
It was the early years of the AIDS crisis - full of fear and ignorance. Families refused to care for their dying children and feared they would be shunned if anyone found out about them. Ruth’s name was passed around as she helped “her guys” (as she lovingly calls them) navigate social services, find work, educate them as well as herself about the HIV/AIDS crisis, and help them keep their dignity until the end.
Hopeful and heartbreaking at the same time, Ruth’s faith and persistence is inspiring. All the Young Men examines her life - from childhood to single motherhood - and the lives of the men she cared for as the world was only beginning to understand HIV/AIDS.
Full of heart, courage, and compassion, All the Young Men is an incredible memoir and loving tribute to those lost.
For more reviews, visit www.rootsandreads.wordpress.com
January 18, 2021
This is a top-notch feel-good read about one of the early champions for HIV/AIDS patients living in small-town Arkansas. Her tenacity, resourcefulness, and compassion left me amazed. She has a lot of personality and laugh-out-loud sense of humor. She affectionately calls her patients "her guys." Since she's not a nurse or health-care professional, she makes friends with many of them and grieves over their deaths. She deserves a Presidential Medal of Freedom.
February 2, 2024
i'm still super sad. if you even care
February 28, 2022
She lied. I'm not reading this. Despicable. https://www.today.com/health/doubts-s...
March 21, 2022
All The Young Men was a book I’d seen some of my bookstagram friends have this book, so I was lucky to be sent a copy of from the publisher. This is a tricky book for me to review because it’s a memoir and it’s always strange to review a memoir because it’s someone’s life. But unfortunately for me, this book just missed the mark.I’m not saying it’s a bad book, but with it’s subject matter I just think it could’ve been really profound and moving but it was just meh. There’s a few reasons why it didn’t work for me, so let’s chat about them. In this book Ruth talks about her experiences with gay men, that are often in the last hours of their life dying of AIDS, but I just found their was no emotional connection. Especially in the beginning, you didn’t get to know any of the men and it just felt a bit rushed. Towards the end of the book, you got to know the men a bit more and I found it more emotional, but it just didn’t work for me. It was very informative about AIDS and it really highlights the horrific symptoms and the shocking treatment that AIDS patient received in the 1990. It does highlight how far we’ve come in our attitudes and science. The book was mix between the men the author meet and her own personal life. For me the balance was off, but I don’t know why. Is it bad to say I just wasn���t that interested in person life? I know that does sound bad but it’s the truth. I just had no emotional connection to any part of this book. And the ending was so strange and abrupt. I turned the page and couldn’t believe it was over. And then there was the epilogue that was packed full of the authors personal life but it was rushed. I just didn’t get it. I don’t know if I’d recommend this one. Like I said it didn’t have the right balance for me, but I did like how informative it was. Thanks to Orion books for gifting me with a copy of this book in return for an honest unbiased review. It’s out January 21st
March 31, 2021
This book is absolutely heartbreaking. It's a book that is crying out to be read, for people to take notice and pick it up.
Ruth is an extraordinary woman. In 1986, at just 26 years old, she found her courage and humanity and helps a man in his final moments, dying of AIDS. From that point she does what noone else seems to want to do in those times - she helps the ill and dying, and tries to spread the word of HIV/AIDS/safer sex.
I read this book after watching 'It's A Sin'. I just needed to know more about what things were like in those times. I say those times, it really wasn't that long ago. We're looking at 40 years and less. We've come a long way in terms of medical science and people with HIV being able to live healthy lives and being undetectable. Yet I still think there is stigma. There's still people not wanting to know and people who genuinely just don't know. I think it's so important to know about HIV, to know about the epidemic that is still going on. There's still more HIV cases and still no cure or vaccine.
Please, if you even want to just learn a bit more about what things were like during that HIV epidemic, read this book. It is so important and such an incredible, brutal, devastating read.
Ruth is an extraordinary woman. In 1986, at just 26 years old, she found her courage and humanity and helps a man in his final moments, dying of AIDS. From that point she does what noone else seems to want to do in those times - she helps the ill and dying, and tries to spread the word of HIV/AIDS/safer sex.
I read this book after watching 'It's A Sin'. I just needed to know more about what things were like in those times. I say those times, it really wasn't that long ago. We're looking at 40 years and less. We've come a long way in terms of medical science and people with HIV being able to live healthy lives and being undetectable. Yet I still think there is stigma. There's still people not wanting to know and people who genuinely just don't know. I think it's so important to know about HIV, to know about the epidemic that is still going on. There's still more HIV cases and still no cure or vaccine.
Please, if you even want to just learn a bit more about what things were like during that HIV epidemic, read this book. It is so important and such an incredible, brutal, devastating read.
January 25, 2021
Ruth Coker Burks is an inspirational woman whose bravery in the face of a terrifying epidemic is something we could all learn a great deal from right now. The lengths she went to in order to afford swathes of dying men dignity in death and, eventually, hope, is simply astonishing. I think anyone reading this will spot a little bit of Ruth in someone they know and, I hope, will appreciate those traits a little more.
But, if I'm being honest, this is a long, long way from brilliant writing and some of the story feels quite surface (plus there is a LOT of reference to God's role in the work she's doing which, y'know, isn't for everyone and certainly posed more questions than it answered). I am pleased to hear a film is in the works about her life as what she achieved deserves to reach a wider audience.
But, if I'm being honest, this is a long, long way from brilliant writing and some of the story feels quite surface (plus there is a LOT of reference to God's role in the work she's doing which, y'know, isn't for everyone and certainly posed more questions than it answered). I am pleased to hear a film is in the works about her life as what she achieved deserves to reach a wider audience.
November 23, 2022
i cried and i laughed, and although this book is an account of AIDS in 1980’s small town southern religious america, it’s also filled with true friendship and love. i loved that ruth has entered her recollections on these amazing people and it was an honour to learn more about them and their unfair experiences of the time. we lost a whole generation of queer people to HIV/AIDS and reading their stories really helps me to feel reconnected and to honour those people
December 4, 2020
An Amazing Read
I lived in New York when AIDS began. However, I grew up in the South and knew many of the people discussed in this book. I also knew the legend of Ruth Coker Burks. I am forever grateful for showing compassion when everyone else looked away. She brought love a dignity when we needed it most. God bless you.
I lived in New York when AIDS began. However, I grew up in the South and knew many of the people discussed in this book. I also knew the legend of Ruth Coker Burks. I am forever grateful for showing compassion when everyone else looked away. She brought love a dignity when we needed it most. God bless you.
December 9, 2020
I am very interested in this topic but while I found the service this author did admirable, this book seemed pretty shallow and the lack of insight made it seem repetitive. I wanted more substance about the men she helped.
June 7, 2022
This prompted a really eye-opening discussion. The group really enjoyed it- they all thought she was an amazing figure of compassion and character. Which surprised me- they usually don't like the nonfiction I pick. I was also surprised that some mentioned how it was a "divisive" topic (?), and it was hard for them to put their judgment aside (??) but they were glad they did. (cool, I guess...?) So... I will give it one extra star because it prompted empathy and an overall really good discussion.
But I did not care for this book. The premise sounded good, and I have a special place in my heart for what I would loosely call "AIDS memoirs." But this? This was some white woman savior complex tale, with what I hope is a kernel of truth, but what I suspect to be a great deal of embellishment. I don't like saying that I doubt parts of a memoir, but... I just found parts hard to believe. Including:
She just walks into hospitals and demands phone numbers of patients' families, and staff give that to her? Maybe- it was a different time, I guess.
She said she helped her Dad put a tube into his trachea and drain the fluid for him; also, he died when she was 5. So... who out there trusts a 4 year old to be poking around in your trachea with a tube? *skepticism activated*
She goes to Chip's funeral, and no one wants to touch the casket, so she wordlessly looks at another man, and they silently agree to pick up the casket and carry it to the grave, before "Only the Good Die Young" blares out at everyone to the shock of the family. p237 ...Really.
Someone burned a cross on her lawn...twice (p 283)? and "It was probably someone who'd made hate calls, and they weren't that smart. 'Hi, this is Larry with the Klan,' one said, before saying, 'Oh shoot,' and hanging up."(p249) ...uh huh...
And when she describes an angel, an actual ANGEL, p 201 leading her to the office of Dr. Elders, I had to put it down.
There were also repeated, weird moments of... I don't know, judgment and self-aggrandizement? Like a story where she stops four lanes of traffic to help a "little black lady" p90 afraid of turning- and, which had nothing to do with anything;
or "I didn't go on welfare, not just because of my Southern pride...I knew nobody around Hot Springs wanted to marry someone who'd been on welfare. I'd rather be eating out of a dumpster..."
Or when she calls the police because she thinks there's an intruder, and she leaves her daughter alone, because she's "afraid to leave the cop alone with this guy." p97 Uh, ma'am?
And this feels kind of petty, but she references herself as being "a blond," at least 12 times, in addition to the numerous references to how she's so attractive that wives hate her, everyone thinks she is having an affair with everyone, and even the local military base flyboys "always flew as close to the ground as they could" when she and her friend were out, and on her first visit to a gay bar, "a woman...hopped over...like she couldn't get to me fast enough...". Right. Got it.
I feel like a jerk, because I know that alot of young men were treated inexcusably then and still; there was a literal plague going on and they were pushed away instead of taken care of. It's indefensible and anyone who stood by and helped deserves accolades. And there were several parts that rang very authentic to me- families who love their gay sons but just don't have the language to discuss it; or the frustration of those who had power and stature in the gay community but not in the straight world. There were parts I definitely believe. But... I felt like it also took a bit of "all the young men"'s stories away from them. It really should be their story, but the author made it more about her. And numerous articles call into question if there really were that many men buried or helped by Ruth. So... I just feel like the book is a little too problematic.
But I did not care for this book. The premise sounded good, and I have a special place in my heart for what I would loosely call "AIDS memoirs." But this? This was some white woman savior complex tale, with what I hope is a kernel of truth, but what I suspect to be a great deal of embellishment. I don't like saying that I doubt parts of a memoir, but... I just found parts hard to believe. Including:
She just walks into hospitals and demands phone numbers of patients' families, and staff give that to her? Maybe- it was a different time, I guess.
She said she helped her Dad put a tube into his trachea and drain the fluid for him; also, he died when she was 5. So... who out there trusts a 4 year old to be poking around in your trachea with a tube? *skepticism activated*
She goes to Chip's funeral, and no one wants to touch the casket, so she wordlessly looks at another man, and they silently agree to pick up the casket and carry it to the grave, before "Only the Good Die Young" blares out at everyone to the shock of the family. p237 ...Really.
Someone burned a cross on her lawn...twice (p 283)? and "It was probably someone who'd made hate calls, and they weren't that smart. 'Hi, this is Larry with the Klan,' one said, before saying, 'Oh shoot,' and hanging up."(p249) ...uh huh...
And when she describes an angel, an actual ANGEL, p 201 leading her to the office of Dr. Elders, I had to put it down.
There were also repeated, weird moments of... I don't know, judgment and self-aggrandizement? Like a story where she stops four lanes of traffic to help a "little black lady" p90 afraid of turning- and, which had nothing to do with anything;
or "I didn't go on welfare, not just because of my Southern pride...I knew nobody around Hot Springs wanted to marry someone who'd been on welfare. I'd rather be eating out of a dumpster..."
Or when she calls the police because she thinks there's an intruder, and she leaves her daughter alone, because she's "afraid to leave the cop alone with this guy." p97 Uh, ma'am?
And this feels kind of petty, but she references herself as being "a blond," at least 12 times, in addition to the numerous references to how she's so attractive that wives hate her, everyone thinks she is having an affair with everyone, and even the local military base flyboys "always flew as close to the ground as they could" when she and her friend were out, and on her first visit to a gay bar, "a woman...hopped over...like she couldn't get to me fast enough...". Right. Got it.
I feel like a jerk, because I know that alot of young men were treated inexcusably then and still; there was a literal plague going on and they were pushed away instead of taken care of. It's indefensible and anyone who stood by and helped deserves accolades. And there were several parts that rang very authentic to me- families who love their gay sons but just don't have the language to discuss it; or the frustration of those who had power and stature in the gay community but not in the straight world. There were parts I definitely believe. But... I felt like it also took a bit of "all the young men"'s stories away from them. It really should be their story, but the author made it more about her. And numerous articles call into question if there really were that many men buried or helped by Ruth. So... I just feel like the book is a little too problematic.
May 30, 2023
If only there were more Ruthies running the world. 💔
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