At a Loss: Finding Your Way After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death

by Donna Rothert

If you’ve experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, termination of pregnancy due to health risk or abnormality, or death in the first year of your baby’s life, you’re not alone. Life after these losses can be heartbreaking, confusing, and lonely. Family, friends, and medical professionals may minimize your loss or say “You can always try again.”
Written by a psychologist who experienced two pregnancy losses herself, At a Loss offers thirty essays on the thoughts, feelings, and struggles that come along with losing a pregnancy or baby. Whether you are early in a crisis of grief or exploring the loss years afterward, you will find self-compassion, healing, and new ways to make meaning of your loss.
Donna Rothert, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who specializes in perinatal issues, including pregnancy and infant loss. She is in practice in Oakland and Walnut Creek, California. Visit her online at www.donnarothert.com.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Parenting

226 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 29, 2019

Reviews

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

After delivering my daughter who was born sleeping in October, this book has been an amazing help for me. I have highlights, sticky notes, written thoughts all over this book. I highly recommend for all those who are struggling with such a difficult loss. I'm so sorry you're here.

[Angela Blount · Rating 3 out of 5]

A guide of sorts, on working through the grief of a wide range of child-loss.

This book is written by a clinical psychologist who specializes in perinatal loss and who, herself, has experienced miscarriage. Rothert's perspective is compassionately clinical and mercifully unhurried, sometimes giving the impression of an older maternal tone.

"We also need to practice bearing our feelings, not just avoiding them. As with a broken bone that needs to be still as it heals, what may seem like a time of extended vulnerability may actually be a time of gathering strength."

It's a quick read, with chapters just a few pages long. Each focuses on a different subtopic and could potentially allow readers to skip around to the most relevant aspects currently affecting them.

Note: This is an almost purely secular POV. The only mention of anything spiritual doesn't arrive until halfway through, and it's merely describing Yin and Yang in terms of Chinese philosophy. If you are looking for spiritual support-related suggestions, this isn't going to be the resource for you. But if you have an aversion to anything faith-inclusive, this may be more useful.

As others have already stated, there's nothing particularly new or groundbreaking within. (She talks about micro-chimerism toward the end, and is supportive of the idea that tangible objects/reminders of baby or the pregnancy can help ground the loss in reality.) Some quotes and information she offers come from helpfully cited sources.

Quotes:

*"Kenneth Doka coined the phrase 'Disenfranchised Grief' to refer to the pain of certain kinds of losses that are commonly unrecognized or minimized by society. These include losses that society views negatively, such as the loss of a loved on through suicide, and those that are somehow hidden, such as miscarriage."

*"The root of the word 'bereavement' means: to be robbed. At some point that feeling, that we've been robbed of something valuable, hits us. And we're furious about it. You may be unclear about who has done the robbing, and exactly why you're angry, but the feeling is real."

*"In his book, The Gift of Grief, Matthew Geweirtz makes a case for what he calls 'surrendering, but not giving in.' The counter-intuitive stance of openness, vulnerability, and engagement with our pain, is actually the source of genuine healing. The approach that takes us beyond survival and back to living."

[Panthea Heydari · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nice read. I don't think there was anything particularly revolutionary in the book (eg- experience grief, be kind to yourself, people won't know what to say to you, etc.) but it was reassuring to read nonetheless. Each chapter was only a few pages long and touched on different scenarios (eg- the loss, sleep, self care, back to work, your partner's grief, sex, etc.) It made me feel less alone in experiencing my loss, which was helpful.

[Joanna Katz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I took this book a couple of short chapters at a sitting, but I can imagine some readers going through tragic times would barely be able to put it down. Baby loss is a difficult, daunting topic, but Rothert proves both professionally precise and personally compelling. I gained valuable insights about how to be a better listener and more supportive friend to anyone grieving baby loss from reading her book. There is such warmth and tenderness in her treatment of the experience, even rays of humor that lighten the darkness of such heartbreak. I feel she takes this precious and terrible moment with both hands and gently turns it over, examining it from a dozen angles with compassion and wisdom.

[Lauren Windham · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️ for someone experiencing miscarriage or infant death (or a support person seeking to understand) I think this is a helpful resource. It’s broken up into 30 short chapters on various related subjects/feelings so would be manageable for someone who is in the thick of grief and overwhelmed/not able to focus on a whole lot of material.

[Brittany Sartain · Rating 3 out of 5]

There wasn’t anything super insightful or inspiring in here, but it did dive into a bunch of the complex feelings and situations that come with miscarriage. I thought it was fine for what it was, but I prefer when a biblical perspective is brought, and this wasn’t that.

[Pam Larson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have just lost my son and was gifted this book by another mother who lost her baby boy. Although the book didn’t have any monumental advice, I found it to be very helpful to read. It validated many of the feelings I’ve been having and reminded me there is life after loss. It was an easy read, as the chapters were short and easily digestible. I highlighted many passages that I’ll continue to look back on through my grief journey.

[Quinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full of quick little chapters that are very easy to read and come back to whenever they are relevant in your pregnancy loss journey. Definitely one of the better books I’ve read. It focuses more on quick tips for how you can move forward with your new bereaved parent status.

[Heather Rondeau · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended by my pastor after my miscarriage. It was such a relief to feel seen and understood by the words on these pages. I only know what I experienced with an early miscarriage and really found this book to be a helpful resource.

[Vicki Van Antwerp · Rating 5 out of 5]

My precious son was born with his wings on in November. This book helped tremendously to put into words a lot of the thoughts and feelings that came along with my stillbirth.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful poetic thoughts about neonatal loss. I appreciated that the chapters are organized by topic so I can easily refer to them again in the future.

[Laura Deason · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful post loss book to navigate raw emotions.