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Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey Into the Science of Attachment
A full-scale investigation of the controversial and often misunderstood science of attachment theory, inspired by the author's own experience as a parent and daughter.
"A profound and beautiful work . . . searingly honest, brazenly fresh, and startlingly rich."--Andrew Solomon, author of The Noonday Demon
When professional researcher and writer Bethany Saltman gave birth to her daughter, Azalea, she loved her deeply but felt as if something was missing. Looking back at her lonely childhood, dangerous teenage years, and love-addicted early adulthood, Saltman thought maybe she was broken.
Then she discovered the science of attachment, the field of psychology that explores the question of why--from an evolutionary point of view--love exists between parents and children. Saltman went on a ten-year journey visiting labs, archives, and training sessions, while learning the meaning of "delight" from Mary Ainsworth, one of psychology's most important but unsung researchers, who died in 1999.
Saltman went deep into the history and findings from Ainsworth's famous laboratory procedure, the Strange Situation, which, like an X-ray, is still used today by scientists around the world to catch a glimpse of the internal workings of attachment. In this simple twenty-minute procedure, a baby and a caregiver enter an ordinary room with two chairs and some toys. During a series of comings and goings, a trained observer studies the minutiae of the pair's back-and-forth with each other.
Through the science of attachment, what Saltman discovered was a radical departure from everything she thought she knew--about love and about her own family, her story, and herself. She was far from broken--she saw that love is too powerful to ever break.
Strange Situation is a scientific, lyrical, life-affirming exploration of love. Not only will readers be taken on an emotional ride through one mother's reckoning with her own past and her family's future, but they will also be given the tools with which to better understand their own life histories and their relationships today.
"A profound and beautiful work . . . searingly honest, brazenly fresh, and startlingly rich."--Andrew Solomon, author of The Noonday Demon
When professional researcher and writer Bethany Saltman gave birth to her daughter, Azalea, she loved her deeply but felt as if something was missing. Looking back at her lonely childhood, dangerous teenage years, and love-addicted early adulthood, Saltman thought maybe she was broken.
Then she discovered the science of attachment, the field of psychology that explores the question of why--from an evolutionary point of view--love exists between parents and children. Saltman went on a ten-year journey visiting labs, archives, and training sessions, while learning the meaning of "delight" from Mary Ainsworth, one of psychology's most important but unsung researchers, who died in 1999.
Saltman went deep into the history and findings from Ainsworth's famous laboratory procedure, the Strange Situation, which, like an X-ray, is still used today by scientists around the world to catch a glimpse of the internal workings of attachment. In this simple twenty-minute procedure, a baby and a caregiver enter an ordinary room with two chairs and some toys. During a series of comings and goings, a trained observer studies the minutiae of the pair's back-and-forth with each other.
Through the science of attachment, what Saltman discovered was a radical departure from everything she thought she knew--about love and about her own family, her story, and herself. She was far from broken--she saw that love is too powerful to ever break.
Strange Situation is a scientific, lyrical, life-affirming exploration of love. Not only will readers be taken on an emotional ride through one mother's reckoning with her own past and her family's future, but they will also be given the tools with which to better understand their own life histories and their relationships today.
400 pages, Hardcover
First published April 21, 2020
122 people are currently reading
3288 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 83 reviews
October 4, 2020
Q:
A mother and her baby enter a room with two chairs and some blocks on the floor. The mother sits down and the baby plays. Or not. A stranger comes in and the mother leaves. The baby is left with the stranger, and then alone. (c)
Q:
there are the facts, and then there’s the perception of the facts. ...
There’s the observable world, and the internal state of being.
There’s what happened to you, and how you feel about what happened to you, and the story you tell about it.
There’s information, and there’s excellent information. (c)
The concept of the untelling is the core part of this journey among the miriads of possible destinations for self.
Lots of discourse on Mary Ainsworth's research and life and the contemporary followers of the practice. Very-very basically: if the kid can expect that mom will be sensitive to his all needs: basic, emotional, you name it - then the kid will be calmer by the meric of expecting everything will be all right. And a secure form of attatchment will be created between the two. It's a lot more intricate than this but this seems to be the basis we all need.
In fact, the writer's coming through as mildly obsessed with Mary Ainsworth.
A very honest and very personal experience review. Incredible empathic depth, great writing and language. I felt the writer's feeling on all her searching.
Overall, this is a great love story of sorts:
Q: It’s a love story—of you learning to love yourself. (c)
The science of delight:
Q:
Delight doesn’t follow any rules. (c)
So very Zen:
Q:
My life as a Zen student had taught me many things—how to be utterly still, how to clean a bathroom like I was tidying God’s closet, and how to notice my mind as the source of my suffering—and my pleasure. (c)
Other:
Q:
AT THE HEART of attachment theory is an evolution-based explanation for the sometimes unbearably up-close identification we feel with our children. All newborn mammals attach to their caregivers in order to be fed and kept safe from predators—to stay alive. For human infants, born incapable of everything but the most basic bodily functions, our early dependency on a loving caregiver is so total that parent and child must operate, in a sense, as a unit for many years. (c)
Q:
Today, researchers believe that our pattern of attachment, entrenched enough by one year of age to be observed and classified, is more important to a person’s development than temperament, IQ, social class, and parenting style. (c)
Q:
And though I had always felt broken, by studying attachment I’ve learned that we are all born with something utterly, totally, miraculously unbreakable, which is why my story of loneliness, of something being wrong, of the shame of feeling separate, has fallen apart.
This is the untelling. (c)
Q:
I wanted to feel the contact of the train so badly that the bottoms of my feet tickled with the urge to jump. (c)
Q:
“Mentalization” is a Victorian term for the “effort the mind makes.” Today, researchers define mentalization as “the ability to understand actions by other people and oneself in terms of thoughts, feelings, wishes, and desires…In essence, mentalizing is seeing ourselves from the outside and others from the inside.” This ability to mentalize comes directly out of the experience of being seen by—mirrored by—a sensitive other in infancy. We internalize that sensitive other’s gaze and reflect it back. Back and forth, back and forth—the ability to see ourselves in another, and another in ourselves, is the gift of a loving relationship.
When we mentalize, we are recognizing that we have a mind, and that we are more than just our thoughts and feelings. This helps us recognize that others are more than their thoughts and feelings, too, which leads to empathy and the ability to imagine another’s point of view. (c)
Q:
Sitting at the table, withdrawn, my face set in a cold and punishing mask, I couldn’t see the small, really trying person sitting across from me anymore, the one I had dragged through the city streets to satisfy some dream I had. Azalea disappeared. She was over there. I, separate, was over here.
And then, for some mysterious reason, in that moment I was able to see—in the very moment of my separation—that I was so desperate to be close with Azalea, I was willing to climb through the morass of myself to do it. I shook off the distance and came to. Azalea—soft face, blue eyes lined with feathery lashes, her little jeans and yellow shirt with white trim, her ears, her small chest rising as she pulled air in and out—was just sitting there. She was looking at me, sadly, around at the room, then back at me again.
The instant I let go of myself, I was able to see Azalea in all her little-kid glory. In fact, we arrived on the scene simultaneously. The waitresses’ faces also softened, and the other diners looked a little more alive as they slurped their noodles. The place was filling up with spectacularly ordinary human beings. (c)
A mother and her baby enter a room with two chairs and some blocks on the floor. The mother sits down and the baby plays. Or not. A stranger comes in and the mother leaves. The baby is left with the stranger, and then alone. (c)
Q:
there are the facts, and then there’s the perception of the facts. ...
There’s the observable world, and the internal state of being.
There’s what happened to you, and how you feel about what happened to you, and the story you tell about it.
There’s information, and there’s excellent information. (c)
The concept of the untelling is the core part of this journey among the miriads of possible destinations for self.
Lots of discourse on Mary Ainsworth's research and life and the contemporary followers of the practice. Very-very basically: if the kid can expect that mom will be sensitive to his all needs: basic, emotional, you name it - then the kid will be calmer by the meric of expecting everything will be all right. And a secure form of attatchment will be created between the two. It's a lot more intricate than this but this seems to be the basis we all need.
In fact, the writer's coming through as mildly obsessed with Mary Ainsworth.
A very honest and very personal experience review. Incredible empathic depth, great writing and language. I felt the writer's feeling on all her searching.
Overall, this is a great love story of sorts:
Q: It’s a love story—of you learning to love yourself. (c)
The science of delight:
Q:
Delight doesn’t follow any rules. (c)
So very Zen:
Q:
My life as a Zen student had taught me many things—how to be utterly still, how to clean a bathroom like I was tidying God’s closet, and how to notice my mind as the source of my suffering—and my pleasure. (c)
Other:
Q:
AT THE HEART of attachment theory is an evolution-based explanation for the sometimes unbearably up-close identification we feel with our children. All newborn mammals attach to their caregivers in order to be fed and kept safe from predators—to stay alive. For human infants, born incapable of everything but the most basic bodily functions, our early dependency on a loving caregiver is so total that parent and child must operate, in a sense, as a unit for many years. (c)
Q:
Today, researchers believe that our pattern of attachment, entrenched enough by one year of age to be observed and classified, is more important to a person’s development than temperament, IQ, social class, and parenting style. (c)
Q:
And though I had always felt broken, by studying attachment I’ve learned that we are all born with something utterly, totally, miraculously unbreakable, which is why my story of loneliness, of something being wrong, of the shame of feeling separate, has fallen apart.
This is the untelling. (c)
Q:
I wanted to feel the contact of the train so badly that the bottoms of my feet tickled with the urge to jump. (c)
Q:
“Mentalization” is a Victorian term for the “effort the mind makes.” Today, researchers define mentalization as “the ability to understand actions by other people and oneself in terms of thoughts, feelings, wishes, and desires…In essence, mentalizing is seeing ourselves from the outside and others from the inside.” This ability to mentalize comes directly out of the experience of being seen by—mirrored by—a sensitive other in infancy. We internalize that sensitive other’s gaze and reflect it back. Back and forth, back and forth—the ability to see ourselves in another, and another in ourselves, is the gift of a loving relationship.
When we mentalize, we are recognizing that we have a mind, and that we are more than just our thoughts and feelings. This helps us recognize that others are more than their thoughts and feelings, too, which leads to empathy and the ability to imagine another’s point of view. (c)
Q:
Sitting at the table, withdrawn, my face set in a cold and punishing mask, I couldn’t see the small, really trying person sitting across from me anymore, the one I had dragged through the city streets to satisfy some dream I had. Azalea disappeared. She was over there. I, separate, was over here.
And then, for some mysterious reason, in that moment I was able to see—in the very moment of my separation—that I was so desperate to be close with Azalea, I was willing to climb through the morass of myself to do it. I shook off the distance and came to. Azalea—soft face, blue eyes lined with feathery lashes, her little jeans and yellow shirt with white trim, her ears, her small chest rising as she pulled air in and out—was just sitting there. She was looking at me, sadly, around at the room, then back at me again.
The instant I let go of myself, I was able to see Azalea in all her little-kid glory. In fact, we arrived on the scene simultaneously. The waitresses’ faces also softened, and the other diners looked a little more alive as they slurped their noodles. The place was filling up with spectacularly ordinary human beings. (c)
June 29, 2020
As a developmental psychologist and professor, I've long emphasized the importance of attachment theory in my classes. This is the first book on the topic that I am thrilled to use as an assigned reading for my undergraduates. The question that Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby struggled to answer decades ago is, what is it about parenting that is critical to the emotional development of the child? Bethany lays it all on the line in this vulnerable, revealing account of her journey into the heart of attachment theory, and the resulting discoveries about her own life and the interconnectedness between humans. Her story and her understanding of the lasting (yet modifiable) impact of early parent-child interactions provide the opportunity for personal growth for the general reader, and parents in particular, and I think may find its way on to the recommended reading lists of many therapists.
February 21, 2021
I doubt there are many that experienced severe or total lack of attachment, that have given this a five star review. The writer seems to have felt and experienced a lack of attachment as a child. But it turns out, through her research, that it wasn’t as she had perceived it. This isn’t about attachment at all then, but about her own personal struggles in finding herself vis a vis her mother. I don’t see how this benefits those that have actually experienced severe lack of attachment. This book should instead be titled ‘finding my own attachment experience’. Because the attachment was there for her.
This does a great disservice to the people who weren’t blessed enough to experience attachment. This book erroneously paints it all quite simplistically, as for her it indeed WAS more simplistic than she believed it to be. Which will only hurt the lack of attachment community more than help.
This does a great disservice to the people who weren’t blessed enough to experience attachment. This book erroneously paints it all quite simplistically, as for her it indeed WAS more simplistic than she believed it to be. Which will only hurt the lack of attachment community more than help.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 25, 2020
I won this book in a goodreads drawing.
A very damaged woman gets pregnant, and decides to look into the science of connection, trying to form one with her own baby.
Lots of Hero Worship of Mary Ainsworth who pioneered the science, if science it is.
Scattered.
A very damaged woman gets pregnant, and decides to look into the science of connection, trying to form one with her own baby.
Lots of Hero Worship of Mary Ainsworth who pioneered the science, if science it is.
Scattered.
September 21, 2020
I CANNOT understand great reviews for this. It was a great concept, and my knowledge of attachment theory is basically undergrad psychology 101. I plowed through this entire book and came out not knowing anything new or more detailed than that. Also, writing was not exactly bad, but sure not elegant. Her own personal story and angst about whether she was securely attached as a child was of interest to no one. I was really annoyed at the time spent on this. Not good science writing, not good memoir, and no depth beyond a wiki article, which is what I wish I had read instead.
Read
July 6, 2020In this searingly honest, brazenly fresh, and startlingly rich book, Bethany Saltman plunders her autobiography for insights about attachment and brilliantly connects them to the work of Mary Ainsworth and other thinkers in the field. By personalising the story of attachment in relation to both her family of origin and the one she created, Saltman creates a compelling narrative arc that turns up insight after insight. This book about attachment is the story of how we learn love, both early in our lives and later on. It is a profound and beautiful work.
Andrew Solomon, National Book Award-Winning Author of The Noonday Demon and Far From the Tree
Strange Situation is a beautiful exploration of what makes us human — our relationships. By artfully weaving together her own experiences as a mother, daughter, and wife with the science of attachment and the fascinating life history of one of its founders, Mary Ainsworth, Saltman helps us to see ourselves — and our relationships with those we love — in an entirely new way.
Loris Gottlieb, New York Times Bestselling Author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
Strange Situation is a book that will change you. Surrender to this seductive, searching, genius hybrid of social science and memoir and you will never hug someone, laugh, or hear a child cry the same way again.
Wednesday Martin, Bestselling Author of Primates of Park Avenue and Untrue
Brilliant, brutally honest, and ultimately redemptive, Bethany Saltman’s powerful and meticulous new book, Strange Situation, made me see my own childhood and my own parenting in a fascinating new light. This book flooded me with emotions and questions, but unfolded like an epic drama. I couldn’t put it down.
Amy Chua, Bestselling Author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and Political Tribes: Group Instinct and the Fate of Nations
This extraordinary book tells the story of attachment research and summarises the key findings of half a century of research in a gripping manner. It is a book that will appeal to everyone with an interest in early relationships, the nature of bonding, as well as the history of developmental science. It is an exceptional achievement for Saltman to have created a ‘pageturner’ that reveals the excitement behind the discoveries of attachment research. A must-read for anyone interested in childhood and those who have spent their lives studying it.
Professor Peter Fonagy Obe, Chief Executive, Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families
[A] fascinating deep dive into attachment theory . . . Carefully researched and with copious endnotes, this is an excellent resource for anyone interested in child development.
Publishers Weekly
An examination of the psychological attachment between parent and child from both personal and more detached points of view … [H]onest and complex. A thoughtful engagement with a topic that affects all parents.
Kirkus Reviews
A beautifully written account of the courage, luminosity, and sheer audacity of loving someone.
Sharon Salzberg, author of Lovingkindness and Real Love
This is a unique and thoughtful book — part memoir, part social science, part biography of Ainsworth and part self-help. Readers who are battling their own demons as parents may feel grateful for Ms. Saltman’s unsparing account of herself.
The Wall Street Journal
Absorbing … Saltman tells two separate stories here: One is her personal journey as a mother, the other the story of the science of attachment. But the narratives are also deeply intertwined … Saltman is at her best in her chapters on Ainsworth and the development of attachment theory.
The Washington Post
[A] fascinating mix of memoir and the history of a major revolution in the scientific theory of the relationships we form in our first year of life. STARRED REVIEW
Booklist
A decade’s worth of research informs this engaging exploration of how humans learn to delight in each other and in life itself.
The Age, Fiona Capp
Andrew Solomon, National Book Award-Winning Author of The Noonday Demon and Far From the Tree
Strange Situation is a beautiful exploration of what makes us human — our relationships. By artfully weaving together her own experiences as a mother, daughter, and wife with the science of attachment and the fascinating life history of one of its founders, Mary Ainsworth, Saltman helps us to see ourselves — and our relationships with those we love — in an entirely new way.
Loris Gottlieb, New York Times Bestselling Author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
Strange Situation is a book that will change you. Surrender to this seductive, searching, genius hybrid of social science and memoir and you will never hug someone, laugh, or hear a child cry the same way again.
Wednesday Martin, Bestselling Author of Primates of Park Avenue and Untrue
Brilliant, brutally honest, and ultimately redemptive, Bethany Saltman’s powerful and meticulous new book, Strange Situation, made me see my own childhood and my own parenting in a fascinating new light. This book flooded me with emotions and questions, but unfolded like an epic drama. I couldn’t put it down.
Amy Chua, Bestselling Author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and Political Tribes: Group Instinct and the Fate of Nations
This extraordinary book tells the story of attachment research and summarises the key findings of half a century of research in a gripping manner. It is a book that will appeal to everyone with an interest in early relationships, the nature of bonding, as well as the history of developmental science. It is an exceptional achievement for Saltman to have created a ‘pageturner’ that reveals the excitement behind the discoveries of attachment research. A must-read for anyone interested in childhood and those who have spent their lives studying it.
Professor Peter Fonagy Obe, Chief Executive, Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families
[A] fascinating deep dive into attachment theory . . . Carefully researched and with copious endnotes, this is an excellent resource for anyone interested in child development.
Publishers Weekly
An examination of the psychological attachment between parent and child from both personal and more detached points of view … [H]onest and complex. A thoughtful engagement with a topic that affects all parents.
Kirkus Reviews
A beautifully written account of the courage, luminosity, and sheer audacity of loving someone.
Sharon Salzberg, author of Lovingkindness and Real Love
This is a unique and thoughtful book — part memoir, part social science, part biography of Ainsworth and part self-help. Readers who are battling their own demons as parents may feel grateful for Ms. Saltman’s unsparing account of herself.
The Wall Street Journal
Absorbing … Saltman tells two separate stories here: One is her personal journey as a mother, the other the story of the science of attachment. But the narratives are also deeply intertwined … Saltman is at her best in her chapters on Ainsworth and the development of attachment theory.
The Washington Post
[A] fascinating mix of memoir and the history of a major revolution in the scientific theory of the relationships we form in our first year of life. STARRED REVIEW
Booklist
A decade’s worth of research informs this engaging exploration of how humans learn to delight in each other and in life itself.
The Age, Fiona Capp
May 31, 2021
This book is a huge let-down for me. It is based on the premise that childhood attachment issue may leave a huge impact on adulthood, which is a topic of huge interest for me given my unhappy childhood and personal struggles for security.
It starts off with a promising preface and introduction by a medical professional. As I read on, I find the following issues:
- misleading title;
- poor editing, repetitive content (e.g. multiple descriptions of "strange situation");
- disorganized and incoherent passages prodding on different time-lines narrating stories about her childhood, birth of her daughter and the present time when her daughter is a teenager;
- many chapters are ended abruptly with "cliffhangers": whenever I am pulled into an interesting narrative and ready for more, that chapter will end abruptly and a different topic will come into play;
- scattered narrative of a supposedly interesting memoir but end up being spotty and boring with no depth of emotion or nostalgia;
- excessive, unnecessary and worship-like portrayals of Mary Ainsworth, including her annoyance of other colleagues.
Audiobook - no heading, no proper break. I have listened to so many audiobooks, and I am confident to point out that this one has issues in editing and post-production.
To me, this is neither a good and soulful memoir, nor a sound journalistic report with comprehensive and insightful research findings.
Some of the researches are also mentioned in another parenting book in the title of "The Orchid and The Dandelion".
Additional star is given to her introduction of resources for attachment psychology.
Only the "Afterword" chapter is the most useful. You can skip the entire book and go direct to the last 2 chapters if attachment theory is all you care about.
It starts off with a promising preface and introduction by a medical professional. As I read on, I find the following issues:
- misleading title;
- poor editing, repetitive content (e.g. multiple descriptions of "strange situation");
- disorganized and incoherent passages prodding on different time-lines narrating stories about her childhood, birth of her daughter and the present time when her daughter is a teenager;
- many chapters are ended abruptly with "cliffhangers": whenever I am pulled into an interesting narrative and ready for more, that chapter will end abruptly and a different topic will come into play;
- scattered narrative of a supposedly interesting memoir but end up being spotty and boring with no depth of emotion or nostalgia;
- excessive, unnecessary and worship-like portrayals of Mary Ainsworth, including her annoyance of other colleagues.
Audiobook - no heading, no proper break. I have listened to so many audiobooks, and I am confident to point out that this one has issues in editing and post-production.
To me, this is neither a good and soulful memoir, nor a sound journalistic report with comprehensive and insightful research findings.
Some of the researches are also mentioned in another parenting book in the title of "The Orchid and The Dandelion".
Additional star is given to her introduction of resources for attachment psychology.
Only the "Afterword" chapter is the most useful. You can skip the entire book and go direct to the last 2 chapters if attachment theory is all you care about.
August 11, 2020
I came across an interview at with the author at Tricycle blog and was drawn to her story. I have never heard of the Strange Situation experiment. I am amazed by the research and insight gone into the book. It is truly a labour of someone so passionate and curious that she herself gets training as attachment experiment coder.
I kept questioning my own attachment with my mom and had deep conversations with her; she was an excellent informant.
I kept questioning my own attachment with my mom and had deep conversations with her; she was an excellent informant.
June 3, 2021
I thought I would love this book, but I thought it was quite disappointing. The author was afraid of being insecurely attached, then talks a whole lot about how being securely attached is amazing and being insecurely attached is Very Bad, and then concludes that after all, she was actually securely attached herself. It felt very black and white. Many of the people around me struggle with mental health and I think many of them might be insecurely attached. Still they live lives worth living. This perspective was totally absent in this book. It is entirely euphoric about how awesome secure attachment is and yes, it was good to know that secure attachment is not about a perfect upbringing or about baby wearing or cosleeping. About that, I would have loved to read a bit more critique of Sears' attachment parenting philosophy and how it does and does not relate to attachment psychology. The brief mentions in the beginning and the end of the book felt very meager. I also missed a discussion about the way knowing about attachment psychology can really intensify mom guilt and the perfectionist parenting culture, and whether or not that's a good thing, and how she dealt with that in her own life. But most of all, I really missed some compassion and just general respect for people who are not as lucky as to have a secure attachment. Reading this it felt as if without secure attachment, one's life is doomed, and I just know that's not the case.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 2, 2021
I don’t know if the difficulty with this book is because I listened to it on audible or if it truly is just the content. At times I found the information fascinating and at other times I felt it read like a really boring biography. Attachment theory is fascinating and it was definitely worth listening to but found it to be challenging to decide if this was a biography or memoir or what. Maybe listening to it again will reveal new insights.
June 16, 2020
Compelling premise and my personal favorite sub-genre of nonfiction: journalist/writer tackles scientific theory. It dragged on at some parts and needed better editing. The entire afterward should have been reworked into the text itself, in my opinion. All that said, I did enjoy reading it and learned a lot about child attachment and adult resiliency!
June 30, 2020
If you are really interested in Attachment theory, you will probably love this book. One chapter of explanation would have been plenty for me.
July 18, 2020
Might have to try this again another time. Got through 1/4 and couldn’t get into the narrator’s style.
Read
October 17, 2020It was twenty years or so ago when I found out about the lab test the title of this book refers to, when I understood that a baby that didn't cry was already heartbroken and might be headed toward Reactive Attachment Disorder. The book doesn't talk about RAD but showed me how much better it would have been to understand RAD in the context of building attachment, within attachment theory, traces of which only came later in the book Attached. So I started the book yesterday and wolfed it down, wanting to fill out the ideas I was introduced to in the absence of attachment as they applied to everyone equally. I think I needed to immediately see how it would apply to me and my relationships with my mother and daughter and siblings, forgetting that's not how books work, you cannot just absorb them completely and immediately (although... doubtless I will keep trying this technique anyway).
Things to look up: mentalizing, AAI tests around here, AAI coding training around here, Reflective Functioning in a person that seems born to do that with those around her, yet can't understand how friendships start or keep going or why she would ever be avoidant with such dear people. how to be self compassionate as a way to the 'right' parenting. Must remember to speak to myself kindly as I would speak to my daughter kindly. I always take the time to explain everything to her as carefully as possible, including the most delightful things that may be loosely related, and Saltman has given me an example of how she did this for herself.
Things to look up: mentalizing, AAI tests around here, AAI coding training around here, Reflective Functioning in a person that seems born to do that with those around her, yet can't understand how friendships start or keep going or why she would ever be avoidant with such dear people. how to be self compassionate as a way to the 'right' parenting. Must remember to speak to myself kindly as I would speak to my daughter kindly. I always take the time to explain everything to her as carefully as possible, including the most delightful things that may be loosely related, and Saltman has given me an example of how she did this for herself.
May 17, 2020
I was given this book for review. I loved this book and didn't expect to! I thought it would be very dry, as most psychology based works are. The author's passion from her own past keeps this work lively, even in the difficult patches. I was equally enthusiastic to read this book and terrified (being from a difficult mother-daughter relationship) it was heartwarming to learn how many of us want to be better moms. I highly recommend to anyone as it shows a lot about how we turn out as adults as well!
August 5, 2025
Took very little from this book. I’m glad the author was able to do her own healing work on attachment, but didn’t get any applications or new information that couldn’t be learned elsewhere and more concisely from other sources. Entire book could have been experienced in the summary: woman feels insecure about her own attachment to mother and her child, learns about Mary Ainsworth’s strange situation, heals personal attachment wounds by learning she actually was and her daughter is securely attached, projects intense mother love onto Mary Ainsworth.
May 1, 2021
I love a passion project, and this book is one. The author strives to learn about attachment theory so she can be, and feel, like a good parent. So much about this book connected for me, because of my own disorganized attachment history, my work to earn security, how I've seen it play out as a parent. I came away from this book with the idea that a useful measure of attachment is the ability to delight in someone as they are, and that has shown me how to delight more in my child, and that's been transformational.
Read
May 13, 2020Reading “Strange Situation” was like going on an emotional archeological dig...uncovering layers of relationship, putting pieces together, asking questions and then digging further. I found myself wanting to get down and dirty with my own history of attachment, particularly in relation to my son.
Bethany’s journey paved the way for me to enter the often bumpy, pot-holed road of my memory, perception and narrative. Her book deeply touched my heart, opening it in ways I didn’t even know existed.
Thank you for this personal testimony to self-awareness, growth and love.
Bethany’s journey paved the way for me to enter the often bumpy, pot-holed road of my memory, perception and narrative. Her book deeply touched my heart, opening it in ways I didn’t even know existed.
Thank you for this personal testimony to self-awareness, growth and love.
December 18, 2021
This was so interesting. Rarely, do I ever think I would read a book again, but this was one I often thought I should tackle again someday. Fascinating!
September 16, 2024
A moving and touching introduction to attachment theory.
Read
July 6, 2020In this searingly honest, brazenly fresh, and startlingly rich book, Bethany Saltman plunders her autobiography for insights about attachment and brilliantly connects them to the work of Mary Ainsworth and other thinkers in the field. By personalising the story of attachment in relation to both her family of origin and the one she created, Saltman creates a compelling narrative arc that turns up insight after insight. This book about attachment is the story of how we learn love, both early in our lives and later on. It is a profound and beautiful work.
Andrew Solomon, National Book Award-Winning Author of The Noonday Demon and Far From the Tree
Strange Situation is a beautiful exploration of what makes us human — our relationships. By artfully weaving together her own experiences as a mother, daughter, and wife with the science of attachment and the fascinating life history of one of its founders, Mary Ainsworth, Saltman helps us to see ourselves — and our relationships with those we love — in an entirely new way.
Loris Gottlieb, New York Times Bestselling Author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
Strange Situation is a book that will change you. Surrender to this seductive, searching, genius hybrid of social science and memoir and you will never hug someone, laugh, or hear a child cry the same way again.
Wednesday Martin, Bestselling Author of Primates of Park Avenue and Untrue
Brilliant, brutally honest, and ultimately redemptive, Bethany Saltman’s powerful and meticulous new book, Strange Situation, made me see my own childhood and my own parenting in a fascinating new light. This book flooded me with emotions and questions, but unfolded like an epic drama. I couldn’t put it down.
Amy Chua, Bestselling Author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and Political Tribes: Group Instinct and the Fate of Nations
This extraordinary book tells the story of attachment research and summarises the key findings of half a century of research in a gripping manner. It is a book that will appeal to everyone with an interest in early relationships, the nature of bonding, as well as the history of developmental science. It is an exceptional achievement for Saltman to have created a ‘pageturner’ that reveals the excitement behind the discoveries of attachment research. A must-read for anyone interested in childhood and those who have spent their lives studying it.
Professor Peter Fonagy Obe, Chief Executive, Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families
[A] fascinating deep dive into attachment theory . . . Carefully researched and with copious endnotes, this is an excellent resource for anyone interested in child development.
Publishers Weekly
An examination of the psychological attachment between parent and child from both personal and more detached points of view … [H]onest and complex. A thoughtful engagement with a topic that affects all parents.
Kirkus Reviews
A beautifully written account of the courage, luminosity, and sheer audacity of loving someone.
Sharon Salzberg, author of Lovingkindness and Real Love
This is a unique and thoughtful book — part memoir, part social science, part biography of Ainsworth and part self-help. Readers who are battling their own demons as parents may feel grateful for Ms. Saltman’s unsparing account of herself.
The Wall Street Journal
Absorbing … Saltman tells two separate stories here: One is her personal journey as a mother, the other the story of the science of attachment. But the narratives are also deeply intertwined … Saltman is at her best in her chapters on Ainsworth and the development of attachment theory.
The Washington Post
[A] fascinating mix of memoir and the history of a major revolution in the scientific theory of the relationships we form in our first year of life. STARRED REVIEW
Booklist
A decade’s worth of research informs this engaging exploration of how humans learn to delight in each other and in life itself.
The Age, Fiona Capp
Andrew Solomon, National Book Award-Winning Author of The Noonday Demon and Far From the Tree
Strange Situation is a beautiful exploration of what makes us human — our relationships. By artfully weaving together her own experiences as a mother, daughter, and wife with the science of attachment and the fascinating life history of one of its founders, Mary Ainsworth, Saltman helps us to see ourselves — and our relationships with those we love — in an entirely new way.
Loris Gottlieb, New York Times Bestselling Author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
Strange Situation is a book that will change you. Surrender to this seductive, searching, genius hybrid of social science and memoir and you will never hug someone, laugh, or hear a child cry the same way again.
Wednesday Martin, Bestselling Author of Primates of Park Avenue and Untrue
Brilliant, brutally honest, and ultimately redemptive, Bethany Saltman’s powerful and meticulous new book, Strange Situation, made me see my own childhood and my own parenting in a fascinating new light. This book flooded me with emotions and questions, but unfolded like an epic drama. I couldn’t put it down.
Amy Chua, Bestselling Author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and Political Tribes: Group Instinct and the Fate of Nations
This extraordinary book tells the story of attachment research and summarises the key findings of half a century of research in a gripping manner. It is a book that will appeal to everyone with an interest in early relationships, the nature of bonding, as well as the history of developmental science. It is an exceptional achievement for Saltman to have created a ‘pageturner’ that reveals the excitement behind the discoveries of attachment research. A must-read for anyone interested in childhood and those who have spent their lives studying it.
Professor Peter Fonagy Obe, Chief Executive, Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families
[A] fascinating deep dive into attachment theory . . . Carefully researched and with copious endnotes, this is an excellent resource for anyone interested in child development.
Publishers Weekly
An examination of the psychological attachment between parent and child from both personal and more detached points of view … [H]onest and complex. A thoughtful engagement with a topic that affects all parents.
Kirkus Reviews
A beautifully written account of the courage, luminosity, and sheer audacity of loving someone.
Sharon Salzberg, author of Lovingkindness and Real Love
This is a unique and thoughtful book — part memoir, part social science, part biography of Ainsworth and part self-help. Readers who are battling their own demons as parents may feel grateful for Ms. Saltman’s unsparing account of herself.
The Wall Street Journal
Absorbing … Saltman tells two separate stories here: One is her personal journey as a mother, the other the story of the science of attachment. But the narratives are also deeply intertwined … Saltman is at her best in her chapters on Ainsworth and the development of attachment theory.
The Washington Post
[A] fascinating mix of memoir and the history of a major revolution in the scientific theory of the relationships we form in our first year of life. STARRED REVIEW
Booklist
A decade’s worth of research informs this engaging exploration of how humans learn to delight in each other and in life itself.
The Age, Fiona Capp
June 5, 2020
I won a copy of this book.
Such an interesting subject to study! I picked up this book on Mothers' day to read and was not disappointed. Bethany Saltman goes on a quest to find how attachment effects a person and why some people attach easily while others do not.
Such an interesting subject to study! I picked up this book on Mothers' day to read and was not disappointed. Bethany Saltman goes on a quest to find how attachment effects a person and why some people attach easily while others do not.
July 5, 2022
Interesting journey of discovery into Attachment Theory in relation to 3 generations- grandmother, mother, daughter. Learnt a lot about the Theory and how it was developed.
November 23, 2020
"Strange Situation" is told through three interwoven narratives. The first is a biographical profile of Mary Ainsworth, a pioneer researcher in the field of attachment. The second narrative is about the actual research Ainsworth conducted, how it developed and evolved over time, and how it's being used today. Lastly, the author applies the research to her own life. She reexamines her attachment to her mother; and as a mother, discusses her attachment to her daughter.
I think you will find yourself wondering about your own attachments and what your attachment classification would be.
Notes: from the prologue: "While mothers were the original parental figures studies, it is now widely accepted that babies form the same attachments with fathers and nonbiological caregivers as well. Today, researchers believe that our pattern of attachment, entrenched enough by one year of age to be observed and classified, is more important to a person's development than temperament, IQ, social class, and parenting style."
p. 122 -- "Eventually they found that more sensitive responsiveness to crying in the first six months of life actually led to less crying in the second six months."
#GoodreadsGiveaway
I think you will find yourself wondering about your own attachments and what your attachment classification would be.
Notes: from the prologue: "While mothers were the original parental figures studies, it is now widely accepted that babies form the same attachments with fathers and nonbiological caregivers as well. Today, researchers believe that our pattern of attachment, entrenched enough by one year of age to be observed and classified, is more important to a person's development than temperament, IQ, social class, and parenting style."
p. 122 -- "Eventually they found that more sensitive responsiveness to crying in the first six months of life actually led to less crying in the second six months."
#GoodreadsGiveaway
June 4, 2020
A FEARLESS GAZE INTO THE HEART OF ATTACHMENT
STRANGE SITUATION is a singularly original book. The combination of a deep dive into fascinating attachment theory and research, vivid memoir, and poetic reflection is unlike anything I've read before. Parents and caregivers will resonate with the honest expression of one of the hardest things about child-rearing; we want to be perfect in how we raise our children, and we can't be. Reading Bethany's realizations, based on meticulous and exhaustive research, that our attunement to our children doesn't have to be perfect, and that there is no magic recipe for a parenting style, is a relief in an ocean of mommy blogs and sometimes conflicting theories. As a therapist who has worked with many parents and children who had disrupted attachment, I learned of new ways that healing might occur. Her compassionate and spacious prose is rooted in long-term Zen Buddhist practice, and there are moments of wisdom that ring like a mindfulness bell. I was very moved and comforted by the author's journey, from raw self-doubt to greater acceptance of our very human being.
STRANGE SITUATION is a singularly original book. The combination of a deep dive into fascinating attachment theory and research, vivid memoir, and poetic reflection is unlike anything I've read before. Parents and caregivers will resonate with the honest expression of one of the hardest things about child-rearing; we want to be perfect in how we raise our children, and we can't be. Reading Bethany's realizations, based on meticulous and exhaustive research, that our attunement to our children doesn't have to be perfect, and that there is no magic recipe for a parenting style, is a relief in an ocean of mommy blogs and sometimes conflicting theories. As a therapist who has worked with many parents and children who had disrupted attachment, I learned of new ways that healing might occur. Her compassionate and spacious prose is rooted in long-term Zen Buddhist practice, and there are moments of wisdom that ring like a mindfulness bell. I was very moved and comforted by the author's journey, from raw self-doubt to greater acceptance of our very human being.
June 5, 2020
This book is a loving biography of a brilliant scientist named Mary Ainsworth, whose magic involved immersing herself in seeming randomness and trusting her heart and mind to discern the pattern. Saltman does much the same thing in this memoir, by immersing herself in attachment research and her own experience as a mother and a daughter to show how story magic—how we tell the story about who we are and why—can transform and heal. Intensely personal and rigorously researched, I can’t imagine a more perfect book for this strange situation we’re in right now.
I was moved and sometimes activated as I read, tracing my own attachment story alongside Saltman’s. It felt intensely personal and ultimately so deeply affirming and redemptive. By learning to see and love ourselves, we learn to see and love everything. From page 163: “Because I thought I knew what the word “intimate” meant—as in two ships reaching for each other in the night—I missed the point that true intimacy comes out of the experience of being one thing.”
I was moved and sometimes activated as I read, tracing my own attachment story alongside Saltman’s. It felt intensely personal and ultimately so deeply affirming and redemptive. By learning to see and love ourselves, we learn to see and love everything. From page 163: “Because I thought I knew what the word “intimate” meant—as in two ships reaching for each other in the night—I missed the point that true intimacy comes out of the experience of being one thing.”
May 23, 2021
4 stars
I quite enjoyed most of this book. My favourite parts where when she talked about Mary Ainsworth, her life and her work. I struggled to connect with the parts about the author's Buddhist practice. Definitely the writing was quite beautiful, and I enjoyed the motifs of back and forth and two chairs and some toys. I liked that the book took on the same back and forth structure of attachment.
But I was disappointed towards the end. I think because my child's therapist recommended the book to me, and my child has an avoidant attachment, I was hoping there would be more about research into interventions that can improve a person's attachment.
Instead the ending felt almost like one of those stories where a lot happens and then the narrator wakes up and it turns out it was all a dream.
But that's probably because of my own situation, and after all, this is the first nonfiction book I've been able to finish in the pandemic, so it had to be pretty compelling.
I quite enjoyed most of this book. My favourite parts where when she talked about Mary Ainsworth, her life and her work. I struggled to connect with the parts about the author's Buddhist practice. Definitely the writing was quite beautiful, and I enjoyed the motifs of back and forth and two chairs and some toys. I liked that the book took on the same back and forth structure of attachment.
But I was disappointed towards the end. I think because my child's therapist recommended the book to me, and my child has an avoidant attachment, I was hoping there would be more about research into interventions that can improve a person's attachment.
Instead the ending felt almost like one of those stories where a lot happens and then the narrator wakes up and it turns out it was all a dream.
But that's probably because of my own situation, and after all, this is the first nonfiction book I've been able to finish in the pandemic, so it had to be pretty compelling.
October 14, 2021
Tl;dr; exceeded my expectations.
I was really skeptical about attachment psychology before reading it, but the book comes with copious end notes justifying the statements. I think the biggest realization I had was that the trendy things I’d been hearing about “attachment parenting” (co-sleeping, etc) was not the focus of the book. (I didn't want to read a guidebook on the best things you should be doing as a parent.) Instead the book focuses on “attachment psychology” which seeks to answer / study the hypothesis that the relationship a child has with their parents has important, measurable effects from robust, peer-reviewed scientific studies.
The author blends her own mothering journey with this research in a compelling way, but it’s a bit too focused on just one aspect of attachment research (the mother-child relationship).
I found that the most interesting part was the afterword, about all the other topics the author didn’t include, but are prominent, including other parent-child relationships, inherited trauma, and epigenetics.
I was really skeptical about attachment psychology before reading it, but the book comes with copious end notes justifying the statements. I think the biggest realization I had was that the trendy things I’d been hearing about “attachment parenting” (co-sleeping, etc) was not the focus of the book. (I didn't want to read a guidebook on the best things you should be doing as a parent.) Instead the book focuses on “attachment psychology” which seeks to answer / study the hypothesis that the relationship a child has with their parents has important, measurable effects from robust, peer-reviewed scientific studies.
The author blends her own mothering journey with this research in a compelling way, but it’s a bit too focused on just one aspect of attachment research (the mother-child relationship).
I found that the most interesting part was the afterword, about all the other topics the author didn’t include, but are prominent, including other parent-child relationships, inherited trauma, and epigenetics.
December 31, 2024
At first, I was like, did the author just write this book to whine about her childhood and get back at the family whom she thought had treated her so badly?! I very nearly put it down, and am so glad I didn't. The answer to that first question is no, the author did not write a whiney book. They wrote an amazing, informed and enlightened book that had me alternating between crying and laughing. It was so hopeful and beautiful, while remaining cautionary and brave as it stared into the face of uncomfortable strangeness and attempted to understand it while at the same time knowing it cannot be fully understood but could be fully embraced.
I listened to the audio but must go back and read the physical book. There are so many parts I want to read again, particularly when she learns that she and her mother had always been connected and that there is "no gap" between ourselves and everything else. I really needed this book. Thank you, Saltman!!
I listened to the audio but must go back and read the physical book. There are so many parts I want to read again, particularly when she learns that she and her mother had always been connected and that there is "no gap" between ourselves and everything else. I really needed this book. Thank you, Saltman!!
September 8, 2025
Strange Situation is must reading for anyone interested in attachment theory. Layperson Saltman brilliantly weaves the story of Mary Ainsworth's research into attachment with Saltman's own story of attachment with her mother and her daughter -- and brings both to life. During ten years of researching and writing this book, Saltman read Ainsworth's correspondence with John Bowlby et al, and her 7000+ pages of transcripts of observations of 180 Baltimore families. She also undertook professional training in the Strange Situation, Mary Main's Adult Attachment Interview, and Miriam and Howard Steele's Group-Attachment Based Intervention.
Saltman frequently attempt to read her Zen Buddhism on attachment, which is interesting in comparison to a cluster of researchers to read the Judeo-Christian god on attachment theory's concept of secure base. Neither are scientifically sound but are informative nontheless.
Saltman frequently attempt to read her Zen Buddhism on attachment, which is interesting in comparison to a cluster of researchers to read the Judeo-Christian god on attachment theory's concept of secure base. Neither are scientifically sound but are informative nontheless.
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