Do Right by Me: Learning to Raise Black Children in White Spaces

by Valerie I. Harrison, Kathryn Peach D'Angelo

For decades, Katie D’Angelo and Valerie Harrison engaged in conversations about race and racism. However, when Katie and her husband, who are white, adopted Gabriel, a biracial child, Katie’s conversations with Val, who is black, were no longer theoretical and academic. The stakes grew from the two friends trying to understand each other’s perspectives to a mother navigating, with input from her friend, how to equip a child with the tools that will best serve him as he grows up in a white family.  Through lively and intimate back-and-forth exchanges, the authors share information, research, and resources that orient parents and other community members to the ways race and racism will affect a black child’s life—and despite that, how to raise and nurture healthy and happy children. These friendly dialogues about guarding a child’s confidence and nurturing positive racial identity form the basis for Do Right by Me . Harrison and D’Angelo share information on transracial adoption, understanding racism, developing a child’s positive racial identity, racial disparities in healthcare and education, and the violence of racism.  Do Right by Me also is a story about friendship and kindness, and how both can be effective in the fight for a more just and equitable society.

Genres: Adoption, Parenting

194 pages, Paperback

First published November 27, 2020

Reviews

[Cory]

I don't know how to say this, so I'll try my best.

If you're a white adoptive parent to a child of color, thank you for reading this book.

I'm a Chinese American adult adoptee and as I learn more about adoption, I realize that pretty much everyone in the adoption triangle never stops thinking about adoption.

What I want to say is that, sometimes love is not enough, education is not enough, finding the right communities is not enough, reflection is not enough, or trying your best is not enough. But that doesn't mean to stop loving, learning, doing, or trying.

What I mean is, it may take a very long time for you and/or your child to have what seems like a healthy view of adoption. That's why it's called a lifelong trauma. It might even ebb in and out of comfort based on different life events. Be patient, kind, and understanding even if it feels personal and hurts a lot. I can't imagine how painful it is at times, but sometimes your child just may not be ready, and that's okay. One day they will be. It took me a while to be ready and I'm still not sure I am or completely will be.

So please forgive me for hijacking this review, but I know that sometimes thinking about adoption can feel incredibly lonely and I know sometimes a few words from the internet have helped me. I wish you the best with your family and the joy it brings you.

_____________

About the actual book: I think that more books should be co-written. When you think about it, it's really a no-brainer because the friendship between Valerie (a black woman) and Katie (a white adoptive parent) is what makes this book unique. Also, I love the locality of both women being from Philadelphia. I think it's a good starting point as each chapter could lead to a whole other book on its own. Some of the decisions and events gave me a lot to think about, more so as an educator at a predominately white school. If you're the type to read a lot of books about anti-racism, you might find some of it repetitive or have a similar tone.

I realize I am not the target audience here, but I always feel indebted and grateful to books that speak to everyone in this weird, beautiful, hard, amazing, heartbreaking, family-making thing called transracial adoption.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars

This is a book I wish I had earlier in the adoption process. There's little education provided to parents considering transracial adoption so I appreciate books like these and believe they should be required reading for all adoptive parents. What I like best about this book is that it's co-authored by a white adoptive mom and a Black woman. Unlike so many adoption books that are written by, for and center white adoptive parents who tend to just talk into an ignorant void and pat themselves on the back. I read those books in the beginning, but they are completely lacking in the education adoptive parents need.

Adoption books that cover transracial adoption tend to cover little ground: how to respond to rude questions about why your family doesn't match, how to care for Black hair and skin, and how you should have Black dolls and books in your home. Those three topics are just the tip of the iceberg, and this book hits hard on how important Black culture and identity are. That's the message white adoptive parents need to hear and listen to.

I only wish that they had included a transracial adoptee's voice since they are the true experts with lived experience. I also wish I'd had an e-version so that I could have highlighted some of the important messages shared.

[Lily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Required Reading.
As a white adoptive mother of a Black child and a psychologist, I am grateful for Drs. Harrison and D’Angelo’s thoughtful and nuanced work. This book is a valuable resource, offering insights both historical and personal. The friendship between the two authors and their candor regarding race, racism and raising children provides a model for the kinds of conversations and introspection each and every one of us should be engaged in as we strive to dismantle racism, be better ancestors and protect and nurture Black children.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really glad I read this, very thought provoking and helpful in processing experiences. The structure and flow also worked really well - the avatars signaling who was the author of each section were great.

[Genie Dawkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Let's be clear I do not have adopted children and I'm a Black woman. This book covers all of the underlying conversations that we have that affect Black children in American society today. While showing how the relationship between the authors transforms both of their lives to raising Gabriel. This is a biography wrapped in data and research which makes it an engaging book to read.

The point of view from both authors was seamless because they have characters of themselves before each paragraph that they've written. So the reader clearly knows who is speaking while also giving you a clear idea of their points of view. This book covers inequity in education, disparities in healthcare, the history of American Racism, talking to our children about racism, and intentional parenting. With clear steps to raising a black child in white spaces.

In my goal to provide my children with a quality education. I have placed them in white spaces but I never thought of some of the hazards that may occur beyond the ones that I have faced. These authors did a beautiful job of helping me reflect on how I can improve.

[Emma Sager · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this for my fieldwork placement. Absolutely wonderful. Everyone should read this- even if you’re not considering transracial adoption. What a perfect book to educate us on our privileges and how to best support those who are unsupported by our society. We should all be working to fulfill our lives with diverse people, and learn to appreciate each of our cultures, religions, and other identities.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful book that looks at history, current events, and personal anecdotes in order to teach important practical lessons on transracial parenting. Some pieces of advice are easier to implement than others and some of the statistics were beyond depressing. But overall a good tool for thinking through issues that come up and issues you might not otherwise think about.

[Mario D · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for any parent.

[Kevin · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.75

[Cecile · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book, but just written for a different audience. If you are adopting a black child, this should be on your reading list if you are not black.

[Nawal Ciaramitaro · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book for transracially adoptive parents.