This Is Not the End of Me: Lessons on Living from a Dying Man

by Dakshana Bascaramurty

The moving, inspiring story of a young husband and father who, when diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 33, sets out to build a legacy for his infant son.

I can't make you feel what it's like to be a young, dumb naïve 30-year-old sitting in the back of walk-in clinic waiting to be handed what is essentially a death sentence any more than I can show you what it feels like to have a husband or father or child who'd dying and knowing there is nothing you can do to stop it. I can only describe to you how I feel today. Angry. At peace. Scared. Grateful. A giant, spiky, flowering heart-shaped bouquet of contradictions.

Layton Reid was a globe-trotting, risk-taking, sunshine-addicted bachelor - then came a melanoma diagnosis. Cancer startled him out of his arrested development - he returned home to Halifax to work as a wedding photographer - and remission launched him into a new, passionate life as a husband and father-to-be. When the melanoma returned, now at Stage IV, Layton and his family put all their stock into a punishing alternative therapy, hoping for a cure. 'This Is Not the End of Me' recounts Layton's three-year journey as he tried desperately to stay alive for his young son, Finn, and then found purpose in preparing Finn for a world without him.

With incredible intimacy, grit, and empathy, reporter Dakshana Bascaramurty casts an unsentimental eye on who her good friend was: his effervescence, his twisted wit, his anger, his vulnerability. Interweaving Layton's own reflections - his diaries written for Finn, his letters to his wife, Candace, and his public journal - she paints a keenly observed portrait of Layton's remarkable evolution. In detailing the ugly, surprising, and occasionally funny ways in which Layton and his family faced his mortality, the audiobook offers an unflinching look at how a person dies, and how we might build a legacy in our information-saturated age.

'This Is Not the End of Me' is about someone who didn't get a very happy ending, but learned to squeeze as much life as possible from his final days.


Running time ⇒ 8hrs. and 3mins

Genres: Nonfiction, Canada, Memoir, Biography, Death, Biography Memoir, Audiobook

288 pages, Paperback

First published August 18, 2020

Reviews

[Krista · Rating 3 out of 5]

remember that time i first told you i had a terminal illness? that was awkward, huh? are you interested in hearing a little bit more about it? alright then.

just over six years ago at a walk-in clinic in ottawa i had a sketchy mole removed from my back which turned out to be melanoma. between 2010 & 2016 i’ve had five surgeries, tried conventional medication, an intensive two-year natural therapy, yoga, hypnotherapy, meditation, excessive masturbation, scientology, the list goes on. i visited a rogue health clinic in tijuana, mexico with my mom, bathed with a camping shower for a year and a half, sat through thousands of coffee enemas and drank more pressed carrot juices than any one human should consume in their lifetime.

one year ago yesterday, while i was playing with finn in the backyard i had a seizure, and we discovered a handful of inoperable brain tumours in my head. fifteen wholebrain radiotherapy treatments followed by two targeted stereotactic sessions and we’re happy to announce that i am now 100% tumour free.

just kidding.
still kind of fucked.
but hey, it’s ok.
really.

Toronto-based reporter Dakshana Bascaramurty met Layton Reid when he photographed her wedding: their immediate connection was unusually strong, and although Reid eventually relocated to Halifax, the pair remained in friendly communication. It was a bombshell, therefore, when Reid emailed Bascaramurty to let her know that his cancer had returned and the prognosis wasn’t good — he had months to a few years to live and he worried what of himself would be left behind for his unborn child. While Reid began a series of legacy-related posts on Facebook, he and Bascaramurty decided to collaborate on a memoir as well, with This Is Not the End of Me being the result. There is much that is valuable and relatable in this book, but to be honest, I much preferred the excerpts of Reid’s own writings to Bascaramurty’s distanced journalistic tone. I will say that Bascaramurty successfully captured this end-of-life story — warts and all, the stresses acting on Reid and his entire family — and in a world where death is hidden away and caregivers are reluctant to complain, there is real value in sharing a story like this. I just expected to feel more. (Note: I read an ARC through NetGalley and passages quoted may not be in their final forms.)

It was a strange spot to be in. He shared so much with me — sometimes, he confessed, more than he did with Candace and his parents — that our friendship had evolved into something I hadn’t expected or prepared for. I recorded most of our conversations and took notes every time we talked, whether I was scrawling them in a notebook or typing them in my laptop. I was now emotionally invested in Layton in the way I was with any of my close friends. Though he had seven years on me, I thought of him as like a younger brother I adored and felt protective of. Still, I never lost sight of the fact that I was also writing about him and his family. Sometimes, I wondered if he routinely forgot that, despite constant reminders that I was planning to document his story. Or maybe there was some kind of logic that governed all of this: these were intimate confessions now, but months or years down the road, after conflicts were resolved and feelings couldn’t be hurt, it was okay for me to publish them. He often told me I was the closest thing he had to a shrink, and while I was flattered that he trusted me so much, hearing this also made me squirm.

Six years after “beating” melanoma, it was found that the cancer had spread to Layton Reid’s brain; and not wanting to risk unknowable side effects from traditional cancer treatments, Reid decided to commit to two years of Gerson Therapy. Thousands of freshly-prepared glasses of juice and thousands of self-administered coffee enemas later (all of which was hugely costly in terms of money, time, and effort), and eventually, the brain tumours came back and Reid and his family needed to face the fact that he was nearing the end of his life. Bascaramurty reports the facts more or less dispassionately, only occasionally inserting asides about how events were affecting her as well, but again, I was mostly taken by Reid’s own writing:

would you like to learn the secret to taking on life’s most brutal obstacles? here it is.

there is no secret. just keep moving, dummy. that’s it. physically, figuratively, whatever. my hundred year old grandfather taught me that by walking the circumference of the earth over the course of his lifetime. my father taught me that by running over thirty-seven thousand kilometres since he graduated from high school, and my son teaches me that by digging, sprinting and splashing his way through a seemingly infinite well of energy, and that kid’s only three years old.

run. walk. crawl. i don’t care. just keep moving forward and you’ll eventually get to where you need to go.

i promise.

I was taken by Reid’s struggle with what to include in a memory box he was filling for his son, Finn; I was impressed by the unflagging care and support he was shown (and especially by his wife and mother); and I was moved by circumstances after his death that led loved ones to believe that Reid was sending them signs. There is much to learn from in this book, and beyond the tragic story of one man and his family, it serves to bring the reality of a cancer diagnosis and death out into the public realm.

[Kandise · Rating 5 out of 5]

I knew Layton as a colleague and friend, which makes this book hard to review in any meaningful way. It was glorious to hear his voice again, and Bascaramurty did a wonderful job of weaving together this joyful tragedy.

[Francine Kopun · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dakshana Bascaramurty is a tremendous writer. I admire her restraint. This book is about a dying man, but never once did it feel maudlin. She has a keen eye for detail which is critical in a book like this, an intimate account of a young family struggling with terminal cancer. I hope Bascaramurty is tackling something new because I will read anything this woman writes.

[Ceeceereads · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Run, walk, crawl. I don’t care. Just keep moving forward and you’ll eventually get where you need to go. I promise.”

Despite initially not being too sure of how invested I was in this book- it was slow and measured to start, it ended up becoming, quite simply, breathtaking and captivated my attention completely. This is the story of an just ordinary guy: husband, father, son, fighting the battle of his life.

I felt the author brought the essence of his character to life through the pages, and this was also heightened with the inclusion of his own words. You get a sense of his values, the love for his family, the turmoil they all faced, and, ultimately, his strength in facing the unthinkable head on; knowing when to fight and when to let go. There was so much depth here and a raw human quality and, because of this, I was often moved to tears. The storytelling is quietly emotional, authentic, and deeply personal. 5 stars. Thank you to Netgalley for this arc.

[Barbara Carter]

I didn’t know much about this book when I borrowed the eBook from my local library.
And I was quite surprised to find the story took place in my local area of Halifax.
About a young man, a photographer, Layton Reid.
It is his story, told by his reporter friend, Dakshana who he had met as a wedding photographer.
This is not a book with a happy ending, but one of real life, real choices, and a real journey with cancer.
I balanced the reading of this book with a much easier read.
Before he died, he thought about what he wanted to leave behind for his young son. He decides to create a memory box for his young son.
He is only in his 30s when he is first diagnosed with melanoma. and it follows him through the unconventional treatment: Gerson Therapy, that he tried. Where he showered with distilled water, got rid of their microwave because of radiation, and he consumed a large amount of vegetable juices, and did up to five coffee enemas per day.
The book follows the return of his cancer and ultimate death.
his relationships with family.
It’s not a book for the faint of heart, but an honest journey of life.
it touched me greatly.
Great job to the author, Dakshana, too.

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book helped me understand to some extent what my late family member probably went through on her own prolonged journey through stage IV cancer and the accompanying last-ditch treatment options associated with it, and gave me a bit more compassion for how my family (including myself) has dealt with it. Recommended.

[Patsey]

Beautifully written by Dakshana AND Layton. I cried. For this young stranger, his wife and his parents. And I cried for me. Yet I laughed a bit too. I’m taking Layton’s advice about “the secret to taking on life’s most brutal obstacles”
P. 184
“there is no secret. Just keep moving, dummy. that’s it. physically, figuratively, whatever.
run. walk. crawl. I don’t care. just keep moving forward and you’ll eventually get to where you need to go.
I promise.
Xo”

[Nabeel Ahmed · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful, human portrait of a great guy who left the world - and his amazing wife and three-year old son and incredibly strong parents - too soon. It's written really well, very easy to read - and is the perfect book to read to gain some perspective on what has been a hellish year for many. Lots of tips on how to take care of someone, how to deal with illness, how to leave things behind when you're going to leave someone, how to be present with family. Highly, highly recommended.

[Jennifer Hoffert · Rating 4 out of 5]

Never have I read such a raw and uncensored account of illness and dying young. The author truly captured Layton’s spirit in what seemed to be a realistic portrayal of his personality, while at the same time flowing like a novel would read. You felt that you watched the “characters” grow and develop as they progressed through coping with illness and death. What a way to immortalize what would otherwise have been a normal person - he will live on through this novel.

A friend I’d known for over 20 years died of brain cancer this past December, leaving behind an 8 year old and 18 month old daughter. Because of the pandemic and living in different cities, I wasn’t privy to the details of his illness and what his family went through. This novel helped me with my grieving as I imagined their similar circumstances, emotions and battles. A great book to help with grief in any circumstance. Brought me to tears at several points. Definitely worth the read.

[Becki · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a raw and intimate look into the life and death of a young man. Raw and intimate- those are the most applicable adjectives that I can bring to my mind. When care-free citizen-of-the-world Layton Reid is diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma, it begins a journey that will upend his entire family. Author Bascaramurty became a close friend and reveals here an unflinching view into Layton's experience with side effects of medical treatments, extreme homeopathic efforts, battles with insurance (in Canada), the incredible dedication of their extended family, the desperation to leave his young son a gift that will outlive him, the enormous toll on his care-giving wife and the resulting stress on their marriage.

I've read several books and memoirs in which the authors have realized that death is coming to them more quickly than expected. Those books normally involve a lot of reflection on life lessons, treasured memories, intended legacies, etc. This book is not at all in that vein. It is simply the rare honest story of a family's struggle to push back the inevitable.

I received an ARC of this book in exchange for my honest opinion, which I have shared here. My thanks to the author, publisher, and #NetGalley. #ThisIsNotTheEndOfMe

[Ashlee Howatt · Rating 1 out of 5]

Great premise of the book, but super hard to get through as the writing was quite choppy.

[Lindsey Reeder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to this on audiobook and cried my eyes out multiple times.

[Ian · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is touching and it really made me feel empathy for Layton and also the other characters in the book. Bascaramurty does a great job of helping readers to understand the process of dealing with a cancer diagnosis and how it affects everyone in a family. However, as I kept reading, I felt the book started to drag on -- maybe with too much detail, or a narration that seemed a bit choppy at parts. Perhaps this was my own discomfort with the subject matter. At times there seems to be very detailed descriptions of daily life, but then a quick jump to a few months ahead. The end of one's life is always challenging to think through and with cancer a foreseen outcome can take long to arrive - and there is sadness and also just life along the journey. I appreciate how the book grapples with all of this, but I guess it also made parts of the book difficult to keep reading or remain engaged with along the way. As a result, I ended up setting it aside a few times for a month or two before returning to the book to continue reading and eventually finish it. I'm glad I read to the end.

[Jen Winter · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I knew this book would be rather sad and depressing, I hoped that it would at least leave me feeling inspired. It did not. I appreciated the honesty of Layton’s experience, but I didn’t appreciate the style this was written in. I found it choppy and a bit chaotic, there wasn’t a nice flow to it. I also didn’t like how the author threw in little tidbits about Layton’s brother near the end, who wasn’t really part of the journey. Did she do this because she felt guilty for leaving him out? A need to explain his absence? I, like others, mostly appreciated the excerpts from Layton himself, which gave the biggest insight into his personality and his feelings/experiences with his cancer.

[Katherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I read about this book in the Globe and Mail, I was taken aback by the fact that his story is told by a journalist. I read a lot of books about death and dying (I was a hospice volunteer for nearly two decades) and I am particularly drawn to the books written by the dying person themselves. It’s probably not a fair comparison but the power of those memoirs really moved me much more than this account written at a remove.

[Chris Butler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dakshana Bascaramurty is like a quilter/weaver taking the pieces of Layton's life and creating something that we can all relate to. Layton's entries interwoven with Candace's and his family's thoughts make this a book I will treasure. Life is a journey and the author created a celebration of this journey.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

2020 CBC Books Fall Reading List

[Saba · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.3

Wow. This was incredible. I'm really glad I read this. The audiobook narrators were absolutely incredible. I don't think I would've enjoyed this as much if I were reading it by myself.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a mother of four wild children working from home part-time, cooking and baking, delegating house tasks and preparing for next week's back-to-school routines. I have a lot of things to do with my time, so consider it a testament to Dakshana Bascaramurty's captivating writing that I put my world on pause for two days to read This Is Not the End of Me, start to finish.
Once I began, my voyeuristic guilty pleasure muscle was seduced: Dakshana gives a front-row seat to a family confronting a devastating diagnosis. It is fascinating to traverse the nonfictional story as though it is a well-thought, carefully crafted fiction, like a Miriam Toews novel. The dialogue flows naturally, leaving the reader little time to contemplate how much deliberate tinkering it must have taken to amass research, notes and audio tapes into a story form.
Seeing the fallible players lives with honest reflections of the gritty, painful, trench depths cancer takes them was both an honour and an uncomfortable journey. I suspect it was with great care Dakshana ensured the reader was confronted with the daily difficulties of a life revolving around cancer treatments, and that is uncomfortable.
Take for example, Matt. For most of the novel, he is included as a background consideration to the deep suffering and tunnel vision of a family trying to navigate cancer. He is the subject's brother, and is early explained away as being too emotionally stunted to take on a supportive role. But Dakshana took the time to get to know him. Her decision to spend the time she does explaining what that emotional distance looked like and felt like, from each person's perspective no less, is one of the book's most valuable lessons to the readers, the living: it's never too late, navigate your own shit so as not to dump it on others who need you, show up, move your ego aside and be open to learning (even if -especially if- you think you have it all figured out).
I thought about passing my copy of the book onto to several people I know who could benefit from reading this story. There are so many layered lessons. But I decided against sharing my copy. I will instead buy copies for my friends and family with instructions for them to pass it on.

[Kaylee Fullerton]

I think that this was one of the saddest books I’ve ever read. It feels wrong to give such a deeply personal book a rating, so I decided to go without. I first heard about Layton’s story through one of my favourite podcasts, Sickboy. I found his story to be really powerful and thought that his “It takes a village” project was really unique and special. For some reason I expected this book to mostly be focused on that project, but it was instead about his entire cancer journey. I felt like at many times the writing in this book was a little distant. It felt emotionally disconnected and I think that I would’ve preferred to hear from Layton’s wife or parents to give their actual recollections and feelings tied to the events that were occurring instead of recounted events from the author’s perspective.

I don’t think that I would recommend this book to friends because of how sad it was. I have read memoirs and biographies that have impacted me in a much deeper way than this one and even though I felt deep emotion while reading this book, it did not leave me with a lasting impression. I do feel that if I were in a different stage of life, this book might’ve resonated with me in a deeper way. I should’ve known going in that this wasn’t going to be a lighthearted book, but I was not prepared for the brutality of it. I think that it hit too close to home and reminded me of personal experiences of losing loved ones to cancer.

I do want to say that I really appreciated that Layton was not described as a perfect person in the book. Just like he wanted, he was written about in a way that was honest and true. It was nice to see the different sides of Layton, even though they weren’t all pretty.

[Em & Tess]

. . . 𝓷/𝓪*
I don’t think I’ve ever read anything quite like this before, and I highly doubt I’ll encounter anything like it ever again.

Author Dakshana Bascaramurty was enlisted by friend Layton Reid to write of his experience with terminal illness and dying. This book is the result of years of heartbreak, observations, pain, macabre humour, successes, suffering, questions, strength, hope, determination, and curse words.

This biography hit very close to home, quite literally. Layton grew up and eventually became anchored to Halifax, he was very close to my age, he played with his son and went for walks with his spouse in the same streets, parks, ponds, and neighbourhoods I do, he bought a house close to where I grew up, he strolled the same hospital hallways in which I work - if there ever was a book that made me view my own mortality firmly grounded in reality, this is it.

I cried a lot when reading this book. It was extremely raw and honest, it wasn’t dripping with sentimentality or inspirational quotes, just as Layton would have preferred - it reverberates Layton’s love for his son and wife, his deep appreciation for his parents and loved ones, and his thankfulness and being able to say goodbye.

Sincere thanks to @netgalley , @penguinrandomhouse , & @mcclellandandstewart for the digital copy of this moving book.

~👩🏻‍🦰

*𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚊 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔 𝚘𝚏 𝚗𝚘𝚗-𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗, 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝚜𝚞𝚋𝚓𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜, 𝚠𝚎 𝚍𝚘 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚒𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚋𝚓𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚒𝚝.

[Cait Herdman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is Not the End of Me does not relay any lessons on living, as suggested in the title - instead, it paints a portrait of how an average family deals with the undoing of its foundation. Unlike memoirs such asWhen Breath Becomes Air and Between Two Kingdoms, Layton Reid does not lend the rest of his living days to a grand idea, instead he allows us (through the words of Bascaramurty) to sit with him in the most uncomfortable and private moments of his death.

Instead of exposing the radical edges of diagnosis, Reid and his family act as a vignette of the mundane decline of a human life at the hand of cancer. The last years of Reid's life, as recorded, are raw and complete in the sense that the words omit nothing and do not aim to comfort the reader. From the early days of diagnosis to life after death, Bascaramurty paints a beautiful picture of what it is like to love and lose - be it oneself, or another.

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Similar to other dying from cancer memoirs like When breath becomes air but oddly not written by the author or his wife but some third party reporter, which I found a little weird. It was also like a modern day P.S. I love you in the way Layton worked so hard to make sure his wife and child would have good memories of him and be taken care of after he passed away. He left letters and pictures for his wife to be delivered every month for a year after he died. I liked that it was a Canadian family but was sad to read a story that probably happens far too often. Seeing the extremes the family went to trying alternative cancer treatments makes you wonder how much all that extra work and expense was worth it in the end but I can understand wanting to try absolutely everything to get a bit of extra time with the ones you love.

[Krista Hajjar-Nejad]

Beautifully written! This is a story of an ordinary guy: husband, father, son fighting the battle of his life when he receives a terminal cancer diagnosis. I really enjoyed how the author was close friends with Layton Reid and was able to listen to his story and turn it into something wonderful. This book gives the reader some perspective on how real life is after a terminal cancer diagnosis, the treatments involved, and ultimately how to live life to the fullest with the time that you have left. Unfortunately, this book did not have a happy ending. I definitely cried and felt for Layton's family. One big and important takeaway from this book: It's so important to be present in life. This book will definitely stay with me for a long time.

Thank you NetGalley and Penguin Random House Canada for this e-ARC in exchange for my honest review.

[Rohan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Synopsis: Layton was about to become a father when he found out his melanoma had returned, and was now stage 4. He battled for three years before succumbing to the illness, all the while fighting to be there for his family, and to prepare them for life without him.

This is a heavy memoir, similar to When Breath Becomes Air and My Wife Said You May Want to Marry Me. I liked that this one was unique in that the writer was a third party who could write about observations, thoughts and feelings of both Layton and Candace. It was raw and full of honest conversations and thoughts. I know not everyone likes to read accounts like this that are so heavy with tragedy, but I find reading these types of memoirs and gaining insight is helpful for me processing my own feelings and experiences. I find it inspiring to see the strength of character and determination when faced with such unfair circumstances

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautiful, intimate look at what it means to live when you are dying. It’s raw, emotional, profound and funny. I have such admiration for people who can be present in the messy discomfort of loss and grief and Bascaramurty does so with such grace here. I’m grateful Layton and his family chose her to tell his story. I’ll be thinking about this one for a long time. (Warning: you’ll need tissues for the last 100 pages. I ugly cried and my T-shirt was a poor substitute for wiping away the tears 😭)

[Deborah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dakshana Bascaramurty does an excellent job telling Layton Ried’s story in This Is Not the End of Me: Lessons on Living from a Dying Man. This book is an intimate account into the life and death of a young man and his family. It is candid story of a family's fight to confront the inevitable. At times is can be an emotional and difficult read. Bascaramurty takes the time to explore grief from many different angles. By the time you are finished reading the book you too feel like you have lost a friend.

[Trudy Jaskela · Rating 5 out of 5]

a true story about a travelled Canadian, diagnosed at age 33 of melanoma who over the following 5 years tried so hard to live, stay positive, not make life difficult for his wife, young son, parents, brother and friends, and above who did everything in his power to prepare his wife and son for a life without him. Layton also learned how to squeeze as much like as possible from his finals years, months, and days. Book authored by a friend, a reporter for Globe and Mail. A very emotional read....

[Shanan Z · Rating 3 out of 5]

I can't say I loved this book. When Breath Becomes Air, another similar book, impacted me a lot, but this one wasn't my vibe. I don't agree with the subtitle: I didn't feel like I learned any lessons from this book. It made me sad that even in the midst of dying, he never even considered the hope of Jesus, and was completely antagonistic to anything related to an afterlife. It's hard to critique a story about someone's life, but the third-person writing style and the characters themselves just didn't work well for me, and the timeline and plot was hard to follow at times.

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a biography, written by a friend, of a man who discovers that he has Stage 4 melanoma in his early thirties.

This discovery shakes him out of the sense that he has all the time in the world, as he marries his long-time girlfriend, buys a house, and fathers their child.

Layton’s biggest concern is that he will die before his son will have any memories of him, so he plans ways to keep his memory alive for his family.