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Raising Boys to be Good Men: A Parent's Guide to Bringing up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity
"If you are the parent of a boy . . . this is the book you need . . . insightful, enlightened, practical." —Peggy Orenstein, New York Times bestselling author of Boys & Sex
From the dad who created the viral tweet supporting his son wearing nail polish, this essential parenting guide shares 38 parenting tips for battling gender norms, bringing down "man up" culture, and helping sons realize their potential.
Our boys are in a crisis. Toxic masculinity and tough guy-ism are on display daily from our leaders, and we see anger, dysfunction, violence, and depression in young men who are suffocated by harmful social codes. Our young sons are told to stop throwing like a girl. They hear phrases like “man up” when they cry. They are told “boys will be boys” when they behave badly. The “Girl Power” movement has encouraged women to be whoever and do whatever they want, but that sentiment is not often extended to boys. Just watch the bullying when boys try ballet, paint their fingernails, or play with a doll.
But we can treat this problem—and the power lies in the hands of parents. It's not only possible to raise boys who aren't emotionally stifled and shoved into stereotypical gender boxes; it's vital if we want a generation of men who can express their emotions, respect women, and help nurse society back to a halfway healthy place. We can reframe manhood. From Aaron Gouveia, who gained viral fame after tweeting his support for his son’s painted fingernails (and who knows toxic masculinity very well), learn practical and actionable tips such as:
Don’t accept different standards for moms and dads
Teach boys that “girl” is not an insult and retire phrases like “boys will be boys”
Show boys that expressing their emotions and being physical is a good thing
Let boys pursue nontraditional interests and hobbies
Talk to boys about consent and privilege
Model healthy and respectful relationships for boys to emulate
Penned with equal parts humor, biting snark, and lived advice, Raising Boys to Be Good Men is the essential parenting guide for raising sons to realize their potential outside the box.
From the dad who created the viral tweet supporting his son wearing nail polish, this essential parenting guide shares 38 parenting tips for battling gender norms, bringing down "man up" culture, and helping sons realize their potential.
Our boys are in a crisis. Toxic masculinity and tough guy-ism are on display daily from our leaders, and we see anger, dysfunction, violence, and depression in young men who are suffocated by harmful social codes. Our young sons are told to stop throwing like a girl. They hear phrases like “man up” when they cry. They are told “boys will be boys” when they behave badly. The “Girl Power” movement has encouraged women to be whoever and do whatever they want, but that sentiment is not often extended to boys. Just watch the bullying when boys try ballet, paint their fingernails, or play with a doll.
But we can treat this problem—and the power lies in the hands of parents. It's not only possible to raise boys who aren't emotionally stifled and shoved into stereotypical gender boxes; it's vital if we want a generation of men who can express their emotions, respect women, and help nurse society back to a halfway healthy place. We can reframe manhood. From Aaron Gouveia, who gained viral fame after tweeting his support for his son’s painted fingernails (and who knows toxic masculinity very well), learn practical and actionable tips such as:
Don’t accept different standards for moms and dads
Teach boys that “girl” is not an insult and retire phrases like “boys will be boys”
Show boys that expressing their emotions and being physical is a good thing
Let boys pursue nontraditional interests and hobbies
Talk to boys about consent and privilege
Model healthy and respectful relationships for boys to emulate
Penned with equal parts humor, biting snark, and lived advice, Raising Boys to Be Good Men is the essential parenting guide for raising sons to realize their potential outside the box.
216 pages, Hardcover
Published June 16, 2020
112 people are currently reading
877 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews
June 7, 2022
I didn't get much from this book...mostly because I read parenting books regularly. The information here isn't anything new but it's organized into a way that speaks directly to toxic masculinity - something that is probably timely in our country right now (2022). Most of the ideas and principles are something that I've already thought about. In fact if you're a thinking, empathetic, caring parent, you've probably already thought of them too. I feel like this is a book that you would hand to a certain kind of man - a sexist, racist bully with no care for others feelings. But then again those types of men probably aren't reading book. So maybe this book is often found in echo chambers? Hm.
August 13, 2020
This is an amazing book that addresses toxic masculinity and how to approach topics with young boys surrounding not just masculinity but being a good human in a world where men, specifically white males, are steps ahead.
June 20, 2020
Bullshit
July 11, 2023
This is a great book for anyone. It is not just focused on raising boys. We are so caught up in ways we're brought up focusing on gender roles. This is a good way for anyone to help break the cycle.
June 22, 2020
A well-written, thoughtful parenting guide (and not just for parents of boys).
I've been following the author, Aaron, since I stumbled across a post of his blog, "The Daddy Files," when my son was an infant. My son is exactly one day younger than the author's oldest child, so many of the things Aaron wrote about were things my husband and I were going through with our son. I followed along as Aaron's family of three became a family of five. Although I have never met his family, I cried with them when they lost their baby and were forced to walk through abortion protesters outside a clinic. I shared Aaron's viral video of him confronting the protesters back then because I think the world needs more men willing to stand up for their families. These things are referenced in this book.
This guide for raising boys puts it all out there about toxic masculinity and how it harms everyone, boys and girls (and children who don't identify with either), and ways to remedy the tragic situation. Who better to call out these problems than a man raising three sons who is strong enough to admit that he used to be part of the problem? That's what Aaron does with this guide. He offers practical parenting tips, shares his mistakes, and offers good, solid advice that he's given to his sons about being good men in a world full of hate (racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.). He lashes out at the gender norms that are hurting our kids such as not allowing little boys to play with dolls or little girls to stand up for themselves. He writes about talking to his children about sex and consent.
He goes deep into politics and religion and how to breach those topics with children. While I'm not an atheist like Aaron, I respect his opinion and the fact that he is not pushing his beliefs on his children. I like that he allows his children to hear about all different types of religion so each of his children can make up their own minds. I do share many of his opinions on problems with some organized religions teaching hate rather than love.
I'm fortunate to be married to a man who also speaks out against hate and racism as we raise our children. Neither of us is perfect, and Aaron's book has given us food for thought as we navigate the years ahead with both our son and daughter. The book is well written and thoughtful. I highly recommend it to all parents who want to raise conscientious children in today's world of uncertainty.
I've been following the author, Aaron, since I stumbled across a post of his blog, "The Daddy Files," when my son was an infant. My son is exactly one day younger than the author's oldest child, so many of the things Aaron wrote about were things my husband and I were going through with our son. I followed along as Aaron's family of three became a family of five. Although I have never met his family, I cried with them when they lost their baby and were forced to walk through abortion protesters outside a clinic. I shared Aaron's viral video of him confronting the protesters back then because I think the world needs more men willing to stand up for their families. These things are referenced in this book.
This guide for raising boys puts it all out there about toxic masculinity and how it harms everyone, boys and girls (and children who don't identify with either), and ways to remedy the tragic situation. Who better to call out these problems than a man raising three sons who is strong enough to admit that he used to be part of the problem? That's what Aaron does with this guide. He offers practical parenting tips, shares his mistakes, and offers good, solid advice that he's given to his sons about being good men in a world full of hate (racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.). He lashes out at the gender norms that are hurting our kids such as not allowing little boys to play with dolls or little girls to stand up for themselves. He writes about talking to his children about sex and consent.
He goes deep into politics and religion and how to breach those topics with children. While I'm not an atheist like Aaron, I respect his opinion and the fact that he is not pushing his beliefs on his children. I like that he allows his children to hear about all different types of religion so each of his children can make up their own minds. I do share many of his opinions on problems with some organized religions teaching hate rather than love.
I'm fortunate to be married to a man who also speaks out against hate and racism as we raise our children. Neither of us is perfect, and Aaron's book has given us food for thought as we navigate the years ahead with both our son and daughter. The book is well written and thoughtful. I highly recommend it to all parents who want to raise conscientious children in today's world of uncertainty.
July 17, 2020
Parents with sons (Or people who are sons! Or parents with daughters! Or people without kids who hate toxic masculinity!!), check this book out.
This is a great book. It’s helpful. It’s honest. It’s pragmatic. It gets into the weeds without getting too murky or confusing. It’s a thoughtful and insightful deconstruction of toxic masculinity written in an accessible, humorous and no-nonsense way.
As a feminist mom of girls, I approve this message.
This is a great book. It’s helpful. It’s honest. It’s pragmatic. It gets into the weeds without getting too murky or confusing. It’s a thoughtful and insightful deconstruction of toxic masculinity written in an accessible, humorous and no-nonsense way.
As a feminist mom of girls, I approve this message.
January 7, 2025
I found this book very impactful. It stirred feelings I already had and allowed me to take an inward look at what are important (to me) morals and life lessons to pass on to my son.
This book is written by a self proclaimed liberal man (i think at one point he said Massachusetts raging liberal lolz) raising 3 boys alongside his wife. I also consider myself liberal, so naturally my morals seem to align well with the author’s. If this is not you, I still think this would be a good book that will get the wheels turning. If you are not a parent but are maybe a cool auntie or uncle, you could benefit from this book. If you have young children in your life, you could benefit from this book. It’s so easy to say something seemingly innocent without realizing the harm it could potentially be doing, even unintentionally.
I also appreciate the author being vulnerable and admitting when he had fed into toxic masculinity in the past. You can tell this is a parenting team trying to raise their 3 boys to be good, kind, considerate humans.
I don’t necessarily think this book is revolutionary since it’s basic principles such as kindness but it felt very validating and dare I healing (listened to the audiobook so the messages spoken and read aloud by a man were *chefs kiss*). Sometimes I read a parenting/self help book about “the liberal agenda” (queue spooky music) and feel like these lessons (consent, kindness, speaking up for whats right, being authenticity and unapologetically yourself, etc) should be the baseline. Absolutely should be. Maybe it should also be parents and adults trying to break generational trauma and adverse childhood experiences. This book, and the content in it, elevates the baseline. Taking it to the next level. Raising the bar. We always want what’s best for our children. It feels very validating having this book in my toolbox.
Also adding my 80% goodreads update because i binged the last 20% at midnight last night, or was it 1 AM? :
Seemingly common sense lessons somehow further broken down for an even deeper understanding of mental health, boundaries, bullying, privilege, society, sex, bodily autonomy, consent, gender biases, systemic racism, political correctness, and more. Lots of insight into raising boys but would be impactful for of boys and girls. Considering gifting this to every man over 50 in my life with zero context.
*sigh* I think this is all but will update accordingly. This book got my brain going. Rereading this review. Lots of racing thoughts and ramblings. Oh well. I liked this book. 😬
This book is written by a self proclaimed liberal man (i think at one point he said Massachusetts raging liberal lolz) raising 3 boys alongside his wife. I also consider myself liberal, so naturally my morals seem to align well with the author’s. If this is not you, I still think this would be a good book that will get the wheels turning. If you are not a parent but are maybe a cool auntie or uncle, you could benefit from this book. If you have young children in your life, you could benefit from this book. It’s so easy to say something seemingly innocent without realizing the harm it could potentially be doing, even unintentionally.
I also appreciate the author being vulnerable and admitting when he had fed into toxic masculinity in the past. You can tell this is a parenting team trying to raise their 3 boys to be good, kind, considerate humans.
I don’t necessarily think this book is revolutionary since it’s basic principles such as kindness but it felt very validating and dare I healing (listened to the audiobook so the messages spoken and read aloud by a man were *chefs kiss*). Sometimes I read a parenting/self help book about “the liberal agenda” (queue spooky music) and feel like these lessons (consent, kindness, speaking up for whats right, being authenticity and unapologetically yourself, etc) should be the baseline. Absolutely should be. Maybe it should also be parents and adults trying to break generational trauma and adverse childhood experiences. This book, and the content in it, elevates the baseline. Taking it to the next level. Raising the bar. We always want what’s best for our children. It feels very validating having this book in my toolbox.
Also adding my 80% goodreads update because i binged the last 20% at midnight last night, or was it 1 AM? :
Seemingly common sense lessons somehow further broken down for an even deeper understanding of mental health, boundaries, bullying, privilege, society, sex, bodily autonomy, consent, gender biases, systemic racism, political correctness, and more. Lots of insight into raising boys but would be impactful for of boys and girls. Considering gifting this to every man over 50 in my life with zero context.
*sigh* I think this is all but will update accordingly. This book got my brain going. Rereading this review. Lots of racing thoughts and ramblings. Oh well. I liked this book. 😬
October 22, 2023
This book wasn’t written for me: a #metoo movement, feminist female-gendered person. Nothing groundbreaking or outside the way I already parent.
That being said, I think Aaron Gouveia makes good points for parents who maybe want to get there but don’t know how? Else, I’m not really sure who his audience is…
The one place I think he fails is that realization that no matter the lessons we try to instill in our kids and the numerous ways we try to instill them, kids still have a mind of their own, and some kids pick up lessons faster/slower than other kids. The goal, in my mind, is to keep the lessons coming from all angles so eventually they’ll grasp the full extent of what we’re trying to teach.
That being said, I think Aaron Gouveia makes good points for parents who maybe want to get there but don’t know how? Else, I’m not really sure who his audience is…
The one place I think he fails is that realization that no matter the lessons we try to instill in our kids and the numerous ways we try to instill them, kids still have a mind of their own, and some kids pick up lessons faster/slower than other kids. The goal, in my mind, is to keep the lessons coming from all angles so eventually they’ll grasp the full extent of what we’re trying to teach.
June 18, 2022
I was skeptical going into this recommended read, but was pleasantly surprised. In his discussion of dismantling parenting practices steeped in toxic masculinity, the author addresses gender identity, sexual orientation and expression, abortion rights, the Me Too movement, and gun violence.
June 23, 2020
Divisive politics.
LGBT rights.
Bullying.
School shootings.
Abortion.
Gender pay gaps.
On the surface, it may not seem like all these issues could share a common thread, but they do. While it manifests in different forms, toxic masculinity is involved in each of the above.
Aaron Gouvia does a beautiful job of outlining these issues and what the parents of young boys can do about it, in his book Raising Boys to Be Good Men: A Parent’s Guide to Bringing Up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity. He also weaves a compelling personal narrative through the book that shows how his family has approached many of these issues.
It’s one of the most important books that the father of a young boy can read in 2020. The message is that good, and the book is that important.
Parents won’t live forever. But we can do our part to pass a strong value system down to our children, so that those values may live on. This book is a roadmap on how to address many of these issues with our boys, so that they can actively be part of the solution at a young age.
Ignoring these issues or opting not to talk to our children about them is no longer an option in today’s divisive world. Most of us are pretty politically exhausted, but this book is a wake-up call that there is more work to do, and it starts at home.
If you’re a father of a boy, I highly recommend you give it a read.
LGBT rights.
Bullying.
School shootings.
Abortion.
Gender pay gaps.
On the surface, it may not seem like all these issues could share a common thread, but they do. While it manifests in different forms, toxic masculinity is involved in each of the above.
Aaron Gouvia does a beautiful job of outlining these issues and what the parents of young boys can do about it, in his book Raising Boys to Be Good Men: A Parent’s Guide to Bringing Up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity. He also weaves a compelling personal narrative through the book that shows how his family has approached many of these issues.
It’s one of the most important books that the father of a young boy can read in 2020. The message is that good, and the book is that important.
Parents won’t live forever. But we can do our part to pass a strong value system down to our children, so that those values may live on. This book is a roadmap on how to address many of these issues with our boys, so that they can actively be part of the solution at a young age.
Ignoring these issues or opting not to talk to our children about them is no longer an option in today’s divisive world. Most of us are pretty politically exhausted, but this book is a wake-up call that there is more work to do, and it starts at home.
If you’re a father of a boy, I highly recommend you give it a read.
January 22, 2023
This book was decent. I’m giving it 4 stars instead of 3 because I do think he makes some important points, a few of which even folx who have spent some time thinking about toxic masculinity are likely not to have thought of. I also tried to remind myself throughout that I wasn’t necessarily the target audience (as a cis female, self-identifyingly liberal person), and that he’s really hoping to reach those who would pick up his book expecting it to be about hunting and being the best at punching, only to find out it’s about teaching your sons as early as possible what consent is, how the privilege of being male benefits them, and some practical steps to take to make the world a safer, saner place for all. I guess my (ironically) rambling point here is that there were chapters that could have been much more succinct, and rants that weren’t really “for me” that I could have skipped (but I’m a completionist who feels robbed at the prospect of skimming). The book is worth reading, or at least skimming, if only to have fodder for conversations with partners about how to raise boys in a world that expects highly specific, unhealthy things of them. Maybe what I’m actually saying is it’s worth having had a friend read this to give you the highlights? Yes, I think that’s it.
July 30, 2022
Nothing groundbreaking if you're even a little bit aware of feminism, social justice, white privilege, etc. A lot of Gouveia's Parenting Tips are things we already do without really thinking about it, but there were a few things that I hadn't thought about (mostly that Ethan will someday not be an adorable toddler but will be a hormone-fueled teenager and we'll have to have Some Uncomfortable Talks with him). I wish the book hadn't focused so heavily on current events, but Gouveia was writing during Toxic Masculinity #1's presidency, and he talked about 45 a lot, and I am still not ready to think about or relive those years in any way. Audio was fine.
June 15, 2025
I’ve been looking for a parenting book that specifically addresses the challenges boys are going to see since 2016 and I’m glad to finally find it! However, there was a slight cultural difference between the author (left leaning New Englander) and myself (left leaning lifelong Appalachian that would be labeled a centrist up North). I felt that some of his takes were a little… tepid, especially with being raised surrounded by conservatives for my entire life and always being the black sheep liberal. But, that’s part of the challenge that the book addresses. Some of the topics are definitely important and gave me good points to consider, but sometimes I felt like some things were not as big of a deal as other things. Overall, I really valued most of the messages and tips the book provides, and I would reallyyyyyy love a second edition that expounds on … *gestures broadly at the world*
Edit to add because I’ve been thinking on this book some more: this book also doesn’t follow the same formula/ layout of other parenting books that I really, really enjoy where the chapters are easily digestible with short end-of-chapter recaps meant to put on the fridge. The chapters here should have been more like Parts 1, 2, 3 because of how long they can go. I also like to see how the conversations can go with example sentences or phrases, and this had some of that but not as much as I would have liked. Lastly, I know that the author meant to have you read this ideally when you or your partner is pregnant, but my son is 18 months old and I felt like it didn’t really hit the way I wanted it to. I’m going to consider reading this again a few years down the line when he’s able to carry on an actual conversation about thoughts, feelings, etc. Right now, I don’t think he’s ready for that.
Edit to add because I’ve been thinking on this book some more: this book also doesn’t follow the same formula/ layout of other parenting books that I really, really enjoy where the chapters are easily digestible with short end-of-chapter recaps meant to put on the fridge. The chapters here should have been more like Parts 1, 2, 3 because of how long they can go. I also like to see how the conversations can go with example sentences or phrases, and this had some of that but not as much as I would have liked. Lastly, I know that the author meant to have you read this ideally when you or your partner is pregnant, but my son is 18 months old and I felt like it didn’t really hit the way I wanted it to. I’m going to consider reading this again a few years down the line when he’s able to carry on an actual conversation about thoughts, feelings, etc. Right now, I don’t think he’s ready for that.
February 24, 2025
I appreciated the candor and frankness about controversial topics and how to discuss them with our boys. Topics such as gun culture, emotional intelligence, current politics, (white) boy privilege, bodily autonomy and rape culture, porn, and even religion. There is so much baked in misogyny in our everyday lives, I wanted to learn more about how to combat it and ensure I’m not raising “incels” and men who grow up expecting the world and women to bow to their every wish. This book made me realize how important it is to discuss all of these issues with our children and open up communication early and often. I’m hoping that I not only raise good men, but ones that become fighters for equality and inclusion in the days to come. There are a few chapters on gender and babies that didn’t apply to me anymore as my boys are 5+, so I skipped those, but the rest of the chapters especially starting in the “controversial” section were very interesting. I wish this book was required reading for any parent or guardian of a boy.
August 9, 2020
I'M. IN. LOVE.
This is one of the books that I can't really review, because nothing I can say will do this book justice. It isn't just for parents of boys, either. It's for anyone who wants to fight against the toxic masculinity that permeates almost every aspect of our society.
This is one of the books that I can't really review, because nothing I can say will do this book justice. It isn't just for parents of boys, either. It's for anyone who wants to fight against the toxic masculinity that permeates almost every aspect of our society.
September 26, 2023
Overall a good book. A lot of good advice. Read this with an open mind and don’t be quick to judge :) personally, I think this book is geared towards men but anybody can read and maybe MORE men should read it
December 10, 2023
This was a pretty good read. It was helpful for me to understand how to approach some topics when my boys are older and what I am currently doing that is rooted in toxic masculinity and make necessary changes. It got a little repetitive at the end but I think everyone who has a boy should read it.
April 23, 2024
As a single mom of 4 boys (17,14,10,4), this book is extremely helpful. Especially since the male role models in their lives are firmly entrenched in toxic masculinity. I will be rereading this book over and over in the years to come.
August 28, 2020
Raising boys? Ever been a boy? Know any men or boys? Read this book!
January 3, 2022
A healthy reminder that raising boys to not fall into the trap of toxic masculinity is a full time job.
August 27, 2023
Soooo good! Many uncomfortable topics brought up throughout text that helped me navigate ways I will be able to educate my kids on.. very vital for todays world and I believe with parents reading this it will only help for a better future in society esp for the younger generations!!!
August 17, 2020
A must read.
March 8, 2021
The book is more like a very long blog-post than a book, but a good read on the topic of toxic masculinity. The author draws on lots of personal experiences and his own opinions which is fair; the book is a persuasive piece. I felt like I was not exactly the intended audience (other Dads more so, specifically ones that are not as in tune emotionally or to social issues of today as Aaron). I read this because I was looking for a book that addressed aggressive behavior in young boys.... (a couple of friends of my son have exhibited aggressiveness which I was interested in learning more about the root cause of and how to react to). The author introduced me to something called Oppositional Defiance Disorder, but again everything in the book is written from a very anecdotal and personal experience standpoint vs. extensive research-based explanations.
January 28, 2022
Excellent read. As a first time mom to a now 1 year old boy this book lays out a good foundation of teaching the next generation of boys to be more tolerant and accepting. My husband and I have talked endlessly about the very topics discussed in this book and it will definitely remain a reference point.
January 30, 2021
Stating the obvious for most parents interested in the topic, mostly anecdotal evidence.
July 17, 2021
Easy to read and digest. Affirmed my commitment to raising my son to be a good person.
August 16, 2021
I wanted to read this before I started school again. I think it had a lot of helpful strategies and examples for people who maybe aren’t familiar with anti-racist, liberation teaching.
June 1, 2023
I think every white man should read this , of not for their sons for themselves. The children are the future
September 7, 2020
This book has really good ideas about how boys should be held responsible for their actions, how you should talk to your boys about everything and all these things are great, but then the writer starts to confuse me when he talks about how organized religion is just bad and that you can't raise your kids to respect women, if you follow an organized religion, I mean didn't he spend the whole books telling us that we shouldn't blame anyone but men for men's actions then how do you blame religion for the actions of a priest who decided to rape a woman!
In every religion there are people who choose to do right and people who choose to do wrong and their choice is based on who they are not on what that religion says because I don't think there is any organized religion that preaches rape, murder, or any act that destroys people's lives, but still some people just choose to do these shameful actions and they are the only ones who should be held responsible for these actions.
As for the idea that most religions refuse to give women positions of authority, I think that we need to understand that these religions started long time ago in different environments and circumstances than ours, so what made perfect sense then might not be good now and that's on us if we choose to ignore these issues and never try to understand why we do what we do and what we need to change that's on us not on religion. I don't care what religion do you believe in, but if you believe in a God (a powerful entity who created the whole universe and everything and everyone (including women) in it), then it is absurd to think that This God created women just to hate them and to punish them every single second in their lives!! If God hates women this much why create them in the first place!!
In every religion there are people who choose to do right and people who choose to do wrong and their choice is based on who they are not on what that religion says because I don't think there is any organized religion that preaches rape, murder, or any act that destroys people's lives, but still some people just choose to do these shameful actions and they are the only ones who should be held responsible for these actions.
As for the idea that most religions refuse to give women positions of authority, I think that we need to understand that these religions started long time ago in different environments and circumstances than ours, so what made perfect sense then might not be good now and that's on us if we choose to ignore these issues and never try to understand why we do what we do and what we need to change that's on us not on religion. I don't care what religion do you believe in, but if you believe in a God (a powerful entity who created the whole universe and everything and everyone (including women) in it), then it is absurd to think that This God created women just to hate them and to punish them every single second in their lives!! If God hates women this much why create them in the first place!!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews