What My Mother and I Don't Talk About: Fifteen Writers Break the Silence

by Michele Filgate (Editor)

“You will devour these beautifully written—and very important—tales of honesty, pain, and resilience” (Elizabeth Gilbert, New York Times bestselling author of Eat Pray Love and City of Girls) from fifteen brilliant writers who explore how what we don’t talk about with our mothers affects us, for better or for worse.

As an undergraduate, Michele Filgate started writing an essay about being abused by her stepfather. It took her more than a decade to realize that she was actually trying to write about how this affected her relationship with her mother. When it was finally published, the essay went viral, shared on social media by Anne Lamott, Rebecca Solnit, and many others. This gave Filgate an idea, and the resulting anthology offers a candid look at our relationships with our mothers.

Leslie Jamison writes about trying to discover who her seemingly perfect mother was before ever becoming a mom. In Cathi Hanauer’s hilarious piece, she finally gets a chance to have a conversation with her mother that isn’t interrupted by her domineering (but lovable) father. André Aciman writes about what it was like to have a deaf mother. Melissa Febos uses mythology as a lens to look at her close-knit relationship with her psychotherapist mother. And Julianna Baggott talks about having a mom who tells her everything.

As Filgate writes, “Our mothers are our first homes, and that’s why we’re always trying to return to them.” There’s relief in acknowledging how what we couldn’t say for so long is a way to heal our relationships with others and, perhaps most important, with ourselves.

Contributions by Cathi Hanauer, Melissa Febos, Alexander Chee, Dylan Landis, Bernice L. McFadden, Julianna Baggott, Lynn Steger Strong, Kiese Laymon, Carmen Maria Machado, André Aciman, Sari Botton, Nayomi Munaweera, Brandon Taylor, and Leslie Jamison.

Genres: Nonfiction, Essays, Memoir, Feminism, Audiobook, Short Stories, Self Help

288 pages, Paperback

First published April 30, 2019

Reviews

[Emily B · Rating 3 out of 5]

It didn’t live up to my expectations, despite the essays being written by a variety of very interesting authors.

I appreciated the honesty and vulnerability of each writer however I felt like some of the essays didn’t quite hit the brief, although they were interesting despite this.

[emma · Rating 4 out of 5]

i love drama.

i also love books that are touching and real and honest and incredible and true, which this one happens to be.

but i also love drama, and this has that in spades.

bottom line: good for gossips AND for considerate kind people. (i'm the former.)

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 4 out of 5]

These essays are varied in style and subject matter, but that is fitting since we all have different relationships with our mothers. I really noticed the recurring theme of setting boundaries as adults, and the damaging power of denial and silence. They made me very reflective - for instance I realized the expectations I had for how my mother would change after my father's death were completely wrong, and I have yet to adjust to the reality.

I had previously read the Kiese Laymon essay (I think it's a chapter in the book Heavy: An American Memoir, but maybe reworked a bit.) There were a few I skimmed because I did not connect with them.

My highlights:

What My Mother and I Don't Talk About (Michele Filgate)
"Silence is what fills the gap between my mother and me. All of the things we haven't said to each other, because it's too painful to articulate."

My Mother's (Gate) Keeper (Cathi Hanauer)
"But she had admitted it's 'not worth' fighting him to have access to her daughters - or anyone else; that, point blank, she chooses placating him over talking to us."
(I must say I resonated deeply with this essay and would give it all the stars.)

The Same Story about My Mom (Lynn Steger-Strong)
"There is a gaping hole perhaps for all of us, where our mother does not match up with mother as we believe it's meant to mean and all it's meant to give us...."

Mother Tongue (Carmen Maria Machado)
"This is what my mother and I don't talk about: That it is not my fault she is so profoundly unhappy with her life. That she had a chance to know me - really know me, as an adult and an artist and a human being - and she blew it.... it's the fear that I've learned less from my childhood than I should have, that I am more like her than I want to be."
(Also a very stunning gut punch)

I received an eARC from the publisher through Edelweiss. The essay collection came out April 30, 2019.

[da AL · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enough with the Hallmark Cards and blah blah Mother's Day platitudes -- this superb collection of honest essays focuses on the real-world complexity of being mothered and mothering, of being human. Top-notch contributors. All the audiobook performers are marvelous.

[Anita Pomerantz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book started off as 5 stars all the way, but unfortunately I feel like the editor organized it from the best essay to the worst. However, despite that, I really liked that this book focused on a much under-scrutinized relationship. There are some renowned authors here, and I think they do a great job of conveying the tension between maternal love and the many mistakes that mothers make.

As a mother myself, I often wonder about the mistakes I have made and whether my children will forgive them. I wonder that because my own relationship with my mother was not smooth and has lead to a strained relationship even to this day. This book made me feel more forgiving and also made me hope I will be forgiven.

I would love to see an equivalent book "What My Child and I Don't Talk About" from the mothers' perspective.

[Patricija || book.duo · Rating 4 out of 5]

4/5

Mamą turim kiekvienas, bet kiek tų turinčiųjų, tiek ir skirtingų būdų būti (ne)mylimam ir (ne)mylėti. Visos neilgos esė, iš kurių sudarytas šis rinkinys, atsitrenkia į kokią problemą. Net jei ji – per didelė abipusė meilė. Autoriai ieško (ir randa, bent jau daugelis) būdų per mitologiją, istoriją, politiką ar literatūrą aiškintis savo santykius su mamomis – jų charakteriais, psichiniais sutrikimais, politinėmis ar socialinėmis pažiūromis, ribotumais ar nuostabumais. Įdomu tai, kad nesitarę ir nesiderinę kai kurie autoriai naudoja tuos pačius nebanalius ir nedažnai parenkamus žodžius, kad apsakytų savo santykį su mamomis. Tokių pastebėjau net keletą. Visgi, bendrystės tarp istorijų ir daugiau: nesusikalbėjimo, „ką žmonės pagalvos“ tipo baimių, negydomų ligų, paslapčių, kurios buvo patikėtos, bet kuriomis nepatikėjo. Nė už ką nevadinčiau istorijų, kurios čia atskleidžia motinų ribotumus, perdėm kritiškomis. Atvirkščiai – visos man vis tiek rodėsi esančios apie vienokio ar kitokio santykio paiešką. O jei neišeina – apie mokymą paleisti ir suprasti. Kad ir kokia tvarka šie du eitų.

Kaip kad būna rinkiniuose, istorijos tiesiog negali būti vienodai geros. Tačiau balsai – labai skirtingi, visai kaip ir prieigos, kurias autoriai renkasi. Istorijos irgi nesupanašėja. Tuo ir įdomus autorių sąstatas – ne tik įspūdingas, bet ir prie kitų kūrinių vedantis – skaitant vis gūglinau man negirdėtus autorius, žymėjausi, traukiau į norimų perskaityti knygų sąrašą. Visgi, redaktorės akis, pastebinti talentus – žvitri. Simboliška, jog paskutinę esę rašo Brandon Taylor – tuomet tik studentas, dabar jau pripažintas autorius, shortlistintas Bookeriui. Gaila, kad lietuviškai iš visų 15 kol kas teturime vieną – Andre Aciman. Kas ieško įdomių, jautrių istorijų ir unikalių balsų – rekomenduoju.

[Kaya · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Trying to write about my mother is like staring at the sun. It feels like language could only tarnish this thing she has given me, my whole life—this love.”

[casey · Rating 4 out of 5]

reading this on a 7 am flight was a great idea i was super normal the whole time this is my review 👍🏻 i’ll add my fav ones later brb

edit: there’s a really great range of different mother/child dynamics + takeaways in this. standouts for me were lacuna, thesmophoria, nothing left unsaid and the same story about my mom

[Haley Jean · Rating 4 out of 5]

“there is a gaping hole perhaps for all of us, where our mother does not match up with “mother” as we believe it’s meant to mean and all it’s meant to give us. what I cannot tell her is all that I would tell her if I could find a way to not still be sad and angry about that.”
damn i feel that ..
3.75⭐️ rounded up
a poignant and diverse essay collection about motherhood, yet some were better than others

[Hillary · Rating 3 out of 5]

This collection of essays is human, vulnerable, and at times cathartic. It is uneven at times, but highlights unique literary voices and encourages self reflection and forgiveness.

It is not really what I thought it would be - and with so many voices, there were obviously some essays that stand out as higher quality, that resonated more with me and made a more lasting impression. I was pleasantly surprised to see the diversity - in gender, ethnicity, economic background, life trauma experiences, etc. - that was included in the collection. There were not many essays that hit on the central theme of the first titular essay, and instead ended up being stories of flawed, often misunderstood women whose lives have confused or alienated their children.

I'm grateful for the vulnerability displayed by the authors included in this collection. It made me want to be more vulnerable, too. I'd love to sit in a circle with all of them, each of us holding hands. Our mothers are unknowable, whether they are friends or strangers. We're unknowable to them, as well. There's no fixing it, not really, but we can start talking about it.

[Lulu · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a heavy read. Essays from celebrated authors about dysfunctional relationships with their mothers. Keep your Kleenex handy.

[Chantal · Rating 2 out of 5]

Found this book disappointing. I really had high hopes of liking it, but the overall writing (not the subject matter of most of the stories) of a lot of the stories is not great. I wished the person that had put the book together had thought about that. It is a shame, could have been a marvelous collection.

[Simona · Rating 4 out of 5]

Istorijos apie kitų šeimas ir jų santykius man padeda peržiūrėt ir savas. Greičiausiai jos į rankas ir papuola tuomet, kai tų peržiūrėjimų savų imuosi. Tyrinėju kaip buvo kitiems ir savus taškus, ir kablelius kai kur naujai sudedu. Nemeluosiu, kartais mąstau "man taip blogai nenutiko". Bet lengva nebuvo. Ir tas lengva nebuvo (nėra) asmeniškumas, asmeninė patirtis visad paima viršų. O radus sąlyčio taškų kai ką galiu pagaliau pripažinti garsiai, pradžioj bent jau sau. Jaustis ne viena, suprasta.

Šioje knygoje - 15 pasakojimų. Ir kai rašo atvirų - patvirtinu. Jie labai atviri, išnešioti, permąstyti, išskaudėti. Apie santykius su mama. Man ji net ne apie tai, ko su tom mamom mes nesišnekam. Bet apie tai, kas jos iš esmės mums yra, kiek jų istorijos lemia mūsiškes ir koks svarbus tas santykis, net jeigu (o kartais "ypač jeigu") nenusisekęs. O dar kiek daug meilė gali duoti, o nemeilė atimti. Visomis įmanomomis prasmėmis!

Buvo ir mažiau lietusių istorijų, bet kai kurios krito giliai ir save permąstyt padėjo. Suskaičiau greitai, kaip žmogus labai ieškantis atsakymų į degančius klausimus. Kai kuriuos radau. Už tai esu dėkinga.

Joje radau daug skirtingų spalvų jausmų ir santykių spektro, o čia vienos įdomiausių temų man, turėsiu ką veikti galvoje permąstydama ir atsimindama!

[Sivananthi T · Rating 5 out of 5]

14 writers share the complexity of their feelings and relationships with their mothers. It seems mine is simultaneously all of it and none of it. For most of our lives we see and experience our mothers through our lens, our views, of what is said and done to us. And then the point begins with looking at our mothers as individuals in their own right, with stories of their own. Many years are spent in that floundering between desiring approval and receiving/ not receiving that approval; and running away to be free from that burden of desires and expectations. And whether we like it or not, for better, for worse we are almost always coming back to this first relationship to understand the question 'what am I all about'?

[Nada Elshabrawy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved it.

[Joana da Silva · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great anthology of essays about our relationship with our mothers and mostly what's left unsaid. I've been in a kind of family drama mood lately, fiction and non-fiction. The first stories on this one just hit that sweet spot and left me thinking about the many things that go unsaid between my mom and me. Highly recommend listening to this one, the narrators are great. However, I do have to agree with a review I read here: the order was not my favorite, seeming as if they did it from best to worst, instead of a more leveled approach.

[cate · Rating 5 out of 5]

i want this entire book tattooed on my forehead

[Berlioz · Rating 4 out of 5]

A relationship with a mother largely determines her child's future life, affecting connections with other people as well as the one the child has with themselves. Filgate's book is a collection of people's stories about their mothers; about the relationships which, as a rule, is supposed to be filled with unconditional love, understanding, and protection, the resolution of which takes an entire lifetime.

I quite often think about why such a character was formed in me, and I tend to always look for answers in my childhood. I can't answer my own questions, so sometimes books such as this one lead me to some strings that help unravel the tangle that clouds my mind.

That is why it was so interesting to read other people's stories about their mothers. Some were wronged, belittled, another ones disliked their stepfathers, for others their mother was a hero and an inspiration. Someone completely stopped communicating with their mother, another ran away from home at the first given opportunity, a third one simply cannot talk about their childhood even with their closest people—almost everyone is left traumatized. How can a mother find a facet so that her child sees her as a friend and not just a mentor? There are no answers to that in this book, but it does give a very clear view from the outside, giving a mother an opportunity to judge herself and to fix her behavior if she decides she needs to.

What My Mother and I Don't Talk About is a complex book, one that touches your soul so profoundly that it is impossible to remain indifferent. Speaking honestly and directly is an art necessary for absolutely everyone, especially when it comes to intimate and important topics that define our lives and the very unique personality that each one of us possesses.

[BookOfCinz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Our mothers are our first homes, and that’s why we’re always trying to return to them. To know what it was like to have one place where we belonged. Where we fit.

In What My Mother And I Don't Talk About we read essays from fifteen writers about their relationships with their moms and what they don't talk about. This book was such an interesting read for me. It made me feel like I am not the only person who feels like they don't know their mother or don't talk to their mother about certain things. The book also made me feel the urge really look at my relationship with me mother and see how I can make it better.

A very interesting collection of stories that I think is required reading.

[Bridgit · Rating 2 out of 5]

This collection of essays was unfortunately a bit lackluster for me.

[Cami Slavkin · Rating 4 out of 5]

My mom saw me reading this and said people are going to think we have a bad relationship

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

Varied in scope and focus, this collection of essays is the most real thing I’ve read about the complexity of a relationship with a mother figure. The personal essay is in fine form and I’m here for it.

[Sasha · Rating 3 out of 5]

As with most books of essays by different authors, this was hit or miss. It was definitely an interesting selection representing many different types of relationships (from super tight-knit/loving to abusive/estranged and what most of us experience which is something in between). Didn't pack as much of a punch as I wanted it to, but a few were really interesting-- I did appreciate how some of the writers really captured how complicated and singular our relationships with our mothers are. Thought it was weird to end with the essay by the writer who had the most unequivocally positive relationship with their mom since the focus of the book was on how inevitably fraught 99% of us find our mother/child relationships.

[lou · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was amazing:( i'll see if i write an actual review later but i loved this, and it inspired me to make an essay about my relationship with my mom, so hope that doesn't end up bad???? yeah

[Jo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Essay collections can widely vary in the quality of essays which I expected, but I didn’t expect almost every essay to explore to worst mothers in the world and how writing saved the authors. I was expecting more nuanced view of less fraught relationships.

[Khadidja]

cant rate nonfiction books it feels forbidden to rate someone else's life.

But i liked those author's stories i liked how different their experiences were i liked how touching their storytelling was

[Christina (stinarinareads) · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75✨

There were some really beautiful stories in here. And some tragic, frustrating, sad, hopeful, and relatable ones too. Those are the ones I gravitated to the most, the essays that felt like my own feelings were flooding the pages.

What My Mother and I Don't Talk About: Fifteen Writers Break the Silence is a nonfiction book which includes a series of personal essays by writers exploring different facets of their relationships, or lack thereof, with their mothers (or step-mothers, or mother figures). The particular overarching theme was essentially what filled the silence between mothers, their children, and the family unit at large. There's an elephant in the room for most of these writers, and in this book, some for the first time, they get to shine a light on it, and say the things they would tell their mothers, if they could. Most of the writers can't, for many reasons; their mother is dead, they don't speak to their mother, they won't listen or understand even if they did say something, they'd be gaslit if they said something, or even the relationship is so good they don't want to ruin it by bringing up sore subjects. This was all covered in this book, and while I sympathized and felt for all stories, some of them just GOT ME.

[Gabrielė Bužinskaitė · Rating 1 out of 5]

The beginning was promising and touching, but it kept getting worse. The intimate stories about family dynamics were slowly turned into political opinion essays. Unsurpringly, all the different authors held the same set of beliefs.

I am so disappointed. This book could have been so much more than that.

[p ☆]

this is how i cope with my mommy issues

[Kira FlowerChild · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought my mother and I had a basically good relationship, although there were many things about my life that I did not tell her, partly because I knew she would not understand and partly because I did not want to hear her criticism. However, reading the variety of relationships between these women and men and their mothers stirred up memories of corporal punishment when I was young, arguments when I was a teenager, and grudges held by my mother - totally unknown to me - until she finally revealed some of them, thirty years after the fact.

The truth is, no matter how loving your relationship is with a parent (or pretty much anyone else, for that matter), there are going to be points of disagreement. And, as witnessed by many of these authors, you can't always make things better because both parties have to be willing to change, willing to listen to the other person, willing to find a way to mend the brokenness between them.

I highly recommend this book but I will warn you - be aware that it will probably affect you in ways that surprise you greatly. Memories long forgotten may come flooding back, and not just memories of your relationship with your mother; you may be reminded of the entire family dynamic. Under the influence of these stories, I very nearly made the mistake of contacting a family member who is toxic. Fortunately I know myself well enough not to send messages in the wee hours of the morning, when I am at my weakest. Thank goodness I waited until the next day. My relief that I had not sent that message was overwhelming.

So if you plan to read this, gird yourself for an emotional rollercoaster ride. And don't send any emails or texts at 3 a.m. Just trust me on that.