Like Crazy: Life with My Mother and Her Invisible Friends

by Dan Mathews

“Exquisite. Full of wry humor, tenderness, and compassion.” —Jeannette Walls, New York Times bestselling author

A hilarious and heartbreaking memoir about an outlandish mother and son on an odyssey of self-discovery, and the rag-tag community that rallied to help them as the mother entered the final phase of her life.

Dan Mathews knew that his witty, bawdy, unhinged mother, Perry, was unable to maintain her fierce independence at seventy-eight—so he flew her across the country to Virginia to live with him in an 1870 townhouse badly in need of repairs. But to Dan, a screwdriver is a cocktail not a tool, and he was soon overwhelmed with two fixer-uppers: the house and his mother.

Unbowed, Dan and Perry built a rollicking life together fueled by costume parties, road trips, after-hours gatherings, and an unshakeable sense of humor as they faced down hurricanes, blizzards, and Perry’s steady decline. They got by with the help of an ever-expanding circle of sidekicks—Dan’s boyfriends (past and present), ex-cons, sailors, strippers, deaf hillbillies, evangelicals, and grumpy cats—while flipping the parent-child relationship on its head.

But it wasn’t until a kicking-and-screaming trip to the emergency room that Dan discovered the cause of his mother’s unpredictable, often caustic behavior: Perry had lived her entire adult life as an undiagnosed schizophrenic.

Irreverent and emotionally powerful, Like Crazy is a darkly comic tale about the perils and rewards of taking in a fragile parent without derailing your life in the process. A rare story about mental illness with an uplifting conclusion, it shows the remarkable growth that takes place when a wild child settles down to care for the wild woman who raised him.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Humor, LGBT, Biography Memoir, Audiobook

256 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 11, 2020

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Reviews

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Like Crazy: Life With My Mother and Her Invisible Friends” (2020) is a delightfully fun and extraordinary memoir written by a extremely gifted storyteller Dan Matthews. In 2008, Matthew’s elderly mother arrived to permanently live with him at his newly purchased ramshackle Victorian Home, in Portsmouth, Virginia. “Perry” (she often went by various names) was accompanied on the flight by Dan’s adoring former boyfriend before returning to California. Perry had been looked after there by her sons, and a host of concerned friends. Dan realized it was his turn to care for their mother-- his carefree days and nights of bachelorhood were over.

Dan worked for the non-profit, PETA, as an organizer and animal rights activist. Perry’s two cats fit right in, though they usually stayed in her room under her bed. It became a challenge to have the TV blearing at all hours, Perry was nearly deaf. They watched the subtitles, and improved in speed reading. Perry was impressed with the picturesque snowy scenes from their tall oversize windows. When it warmed up, Perry often visited her favorite haunt, the public library and soon had a following of assorted friends that stopped by to visit her. Perry loved meeting new people especially his new lovers, and insisted he meet someone who had the skills to help with home improvements and fix her outdated computer.

When Perry started burning candles as a memorial to family and friends who had supposedly passed away, and talking to people who weren’t there—Dan knew it would be necessary to have Perry evaluated and hospitalized. This is would be extremely difficult. Next he discovered that his mother’s zany and oversized personality was a result of undiagnosed schizophrenia. Perry refused medication, and would need scheduled visits to be injected by a visiting nurse. The change in Perry’s condition was noticeable and she enjoyed improved health. By this time, Dan was in a committed relationship and new generation of family members were added to their clan, Perry couldn’t have been happier! This is an uplifting memoir that compares to “Bettyville” (2015)—of love, caring and family life readers will not want to miss. **Special thanks to Simon and Schuster via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review.

[Diane S ☔ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tender, witty and a true testament to the power of love.

When she was 79 Dan's mother was diagnosed with COPD and wasn't well enough to live on her own. With a great deal of trepidation, he brought her to live with him in Virginia. He was an unattached queer man, who worked for PETA. His queerness was something his mother accepted wholeheartedly. She became great friends with many if his past partners and they enjoyed her outlandish personality. She of course had other issues.

She often held conversations with people that weren't present. She did though have an enviable zest for life, she was fun, sometimes outrageous, had her very own quirks and quibbles and people enjoyed being with and talking to her. This is the journey of a mother and son who become closer as they acclimate to living together.

Her illness wouldn't be diagnosed until almost the end of her life
and then it is apparent just how strong this woman has been throughout her life. Both mother and son, in my book, are thoroughly admirable people. Humorous despite it's dark patches, I very much enjoyed this read.

ARC from Edelweiss.

[Jeffrey Chassen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such a sweet, heart-felt tribute to Dan Mathews' mother. She seemed wonderful, one of a kind. His relationship to Jack was also very moving to read, in the way that the two men just found each other, no drama, no games... just two adults falling in lo.ve. That's truly what this book is about, love. Romantic or not, from a mother and son relationship, to a gay romantic relationship, down to the chance encounters in Missouri and all of the friends and family who drop everything to be of help. Dan and Jack seem to have created a beautiful life for themselves with a wide array of chosen family. May we all be so lucky. xo

[Justine]

This was a delight to read. Equal parts hilarious and touching. It made me feel hopeful about so many things. I love this mother-son duo with my whole heart.

[Connie Pearson · Rating 5 out of 5]

There have been a number of memoirs released lately, and it takes a lot to stand out from the crowd. Like Crazy is absolutely unequaled. It's wildly hilarious and extremely tender at the same time, stylistically fast and fun, and contains stories that will stick with the reader for a very long time. One of the most noteworthy aspects of Like Crazy is the focus- an elderly woman (a seriously overlooked demographic in literature) paired with mental health issues in the elder community. This could be a risky subject to tackle, but considering how vividly and lovingly Perry is presented, the humor only enhances the story and defines Perry and Dan's relationship.
Like Crazy is fresh and unexpected. Every reader will have a different take. This book will spark thoughtful conversations and changing attitudes.

[Brynna Morgan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Literally so sweet. I laughed and cried at this touching and poignant memoir about love, loss, and family. Highly recommend for a quick and fun read.

[Janet C-B · Rating 3 out of 5]

My comments are brief. I have mixed feelings about the content of the memoir, especially related to mental illness. However, the narration by the author, with background music and sound effects was excellent.
I rate the book 3 stars

[Marianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dan Mathews is an honest and very likeable human being.
In ‘Like Crazy’ we follow his awakening and frustrations of family responsibility as he moves his 79 year dilapidated old mother and her two dilapidated cats into his dilapidated Victorian house in Portsmouth Virginia.
The juxtaposition between the end of his footloose free bachelor days, juggling his career as a PETA animal activist and trying to get proper diagnosis and treatment for his eccentric mother is certainly interesting and compelling reading.
We feel his exhaustion, stress and frustration trying to manage his mother Perry’s antics and condition after his demanding days at working at PETA.
Thankfully Perry is a generally a very social person, and all around her are warm and supportive friends and family.
Dan also introduces some interesting characters along the way, and everyone is included into their lives.
Especially when there is a costume party!
Dan’s emotions are torn between the mother he sort of thought he knew, and the real Perry who as it turns out has developed some serious mental health issues.
There is no hiding from each other anymore in that lovely old house.
Dan has to reverse the parent / child caring relationship and make some hard decisions.
I loved that this was written with love, warmth and humour as well as respect for his ageing mother.
I did laugh when Dan and his partner decide to become human guinea pigs and test all Perry’s random medications on themselves.
Dan’s style, wit and pace reminded me very much of David Sedaris writing style.
Fun to read and hard to put down.
I could really relate to this book having lived and cared for my own parents for 10 years plus.
Different scenario but I know how it feels when you buy into the shared house arrangement believing it’ll all be a breeze, and despite all best efforts everything turns into a hot mess of zero privacy, and unexpected demands.

Thanks to Simon & Schuster and NetGalley for forwarding this great book to me in exchange for an honest review.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book and appreciate that this man chose to write about his journey with his mother during her last days of life. One cannot help but be amazed by such a unique, resourceful, determined woman with such a penchant for the flagrant, the dramatic and the extreme. Mathews slowly reveals more things about his mother, including her painful early days, and it is all done with respect, even if the all-too-human frustration shows up too. I learned to love Dan's mother and Dan himself through his amazing tale. I am grateful he was bold enough to share with us all!

[Tricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

A loving, irreverent memoir about the Vice President of PETA inviting his charming and erratic mother to live out her last few years with him and his boyfriend, during which time she receives a diagnosis of having schizophrenia. It’s harrowing at times, but mostly it’s a love letter to finding joy in the chaos of life. I loved it!

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read a lot of books that deal with mental health, and this is just very unlike the rest. I heard the author on Mayim Bialik’s podcast, and his simultaneous approach of compassion/love and humor/irreverence made me order this book immediately. I laughed out loud at Perry’s commentary on life, I cried happy and sad tears, I identified with his grief and her sense of fear. All of it. Just a wonderful memoir focused not on the author, but on his larger than life mother and what she added to his world.

[Crizzle · Rating 4 out of 5]

All of chapter 19 creeped me out so bad!! Of course I was reading in bed as the wind was howling and there is a scene in which he wakes during a storm to his mother talking to “someone” in the living room amidst old Halloween photos… 😱 Yikes!! That entire chapter I was waiting for a knife to pop out, or her silhouette in the dark doorway… oh wait, that did happen!!! Eeek!!! This would be a good one to read around Halloween!
Thanks for the recommendation, Steeny!
3.5 stars

[Natasha Kisiluk · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick read with just the right amount of heart and comedy to make you tear up at the end and smile. I will say their relationship and perry was fun to read but I was expecting a little more into the “invisible friends” but alas this is non fiction and I think for real life there was more than enough

[Chelsea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley for allowing me to read this in exchange for an honest review.

Wowwww this was so good. A beautiful memoir about a son taking care of his elderly and mentally ill mother that was somehow both heart wrenching and hilarious. He made Virginia sound almost idyllic, and the way he described he and his mother’s escapades really made me smile. I bet his mom would have loved reading this. Highly recommend but be prepared for some tears.

[Fred · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read for anyone with parents! So amazingly well written, both funny and sad to tears. Love it.

[Sandy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is a challenge to review. The author's mother makes for a wonderful subject. She's smart, funny, and her diagnosis of schizophrenia at the age of 78 makes for an interesting topic. But the author's writing style is all over the place. Reading this book I felt like sections were missing from the narrative (and sometimes found myself bored when the author went off topic).

[Blane · Rating 2 out of 5]

Mathews took way too long to get to what I thought was supposed to be the meat of the book--his mother's schizophrenia. The rest just seemed like so much "Oh, aren't I so clever?!?"-type quips.

[Lyn Jensen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is more a memoir of LGBT life targeting an LGBT audience than an end-of-life account targeting a general audience, but I enjoyed it just the same.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is kind of a tough one to review. Not that there's equal negative and positive aspects, it's a great book! Morevthat he made it seem, perhaps, a bit easier for him than it was overall. There was frustration, especially towards the end, though it's very much an upbeat book overall.

If you haven't read it yet, here's an idea of what to expect with minimal, if any, spoilers... aside from her death, which I don't think is surprising. Anyway... Perry comes to stay with him in his new house in Virginia, there's background in his personal life, which does have a bearing on the story rather than feeling like "grafted" (filler). Her physical issues become a problem, with some of the episodes almost harrowing. Still, it's her mental disorder, which becomes more intense later, that proves more difficult to handle. As one example, when presented with a picture of a newborn baby, she insists that the baby is dead (it's definitely not).

Dan does well providing details of Perry's life in pieces, rather than dumping. My grandmother had schizophrenia herself, from childhood trauma, so in this case I felt her problem was from unresolved matters (Suck. It. Up! approach). As a fan of metaphysical (haunted houses, etc.) lore, I had thought her "imaginary" conversations at first were just that. But no, as Dan describes one such scene he encounters "It was as though she were going over lines from a play."

Finally, there's a largely inevitable instinct to contrast this story with George Hodgman's Bettyville, another older gay man becoming caretaker. That story follows a more "traditional" route in the sense that (as I recall) George's mother had physical problems, and he had a far more limited network. Moreover, a friend raised partially in Kansas said Bettyville perfectly evokes the Midwest as a region. Here, things are quite "coastal" indeed.

Both of those books are excellent reads - highly recommended!

[Crista Huff · Rating 5 out of 5]

My review is going to be a little disjointed, maybe because there are so many themes in this book. Somebody recommended the book to me because my mother and Dan's mother were both mentally ill. (The nature of their illnesses were very different from each other.) So I was expecting the book to be heavy on the mental illness, but that part of the book didn't become the overriding theme until toward the end of the book. And that's fine. Just because I expected "all mental illness, all the time" from page one does not mean that the book was disappointing.

The hard part about reading this book is that Dan Mathews lives an extremely different lifestyle than the one I live, with regard to his proclivities in the areas of sexuality, career, interior design, religion and socializing. (I'm gonna say it: I HATE Halloween.) I'm not remotely unfamiliar with his lifestyle, nor abhorrent of other lifestyles ... it's just that I couldn't find a way to ignore or embrace the lifestyle as I read. And still, I kept reading, because Dan Mathews is a very good writer; apparently quite open and sincere (rare qualities); and virtuous in a way that we don't witness often enough, via the caretaking of his mother. (I have also done the caretaking thing. I felt a human obligation to do it, for several relatively undesirable people who had no one else to help them. So I relate to Dan. I was actually a bit jealous that he got to caretake somebody who actually loved him and gave him joy!)

So despite my discomfort with Dan's lifestyle, I'm going to give the book five stars, because it kept my interest, told a heartwarming story, and discussed truth.

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a pleasant, sweet, loving, funny and entertaining surprise! I heard about this book when he was a guest on Mayim Bialik's Breakdown. I am so glad I decided to read it. Full disclosure: If I had finished it in the privacy of my home rather than waiting to clock in at work I would have needed some tissues.

"My house looks like a rainbow burst through a window and hemorrhaged all over the place."

"While I do not believe in gods above and devils below, I do honor the instinct inside that tells you the right thing to do. That's why I decided to buy a house and move in my ill, unhinged mother."

"Laughing about the inevitable brought us the peace of mind others seek in prayer."

"Mom taught me to accept another stigmatized genetic condition: I was gay. 'You can't change your biology, so you best carry on and leave the shame to someone who actually did something wrong,' she advised."

[Kelsey McGillis · Rating 3 out of 5]

The novel's concept sounds like a game of mad libs: the unmarried gay VP of PETA moves his eccentric but ailing mother into a rundown victorian mansion, hilarity ensues.
An easy-to-read page-turner, full of heartwarming and funny moments - It's part feel-good comedy and part truthful look into what the messy intersection of aging, mental illness and family can look like.

i'm trying to convey my mixed feelings on this book but whatever criticisms arose while reading have mostly dissipated. Though the content leaves me feeling warm and satisfied, I didn't adore the actual writing. I couldn't help but feel the author's reflections left some depth to be desired, and that the pacing was a bit off. The style felt a bit juvenile, but its simplicity is also what made it a page-turning warm story.

[SnowDevil · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was sent this book in a "mystery book box" because I wanted to try to branch into other genres... and I was pretty dubious about reading it once I opened the box. It took me almost a year to work up the courage to crack it open - but once I did I really enjoyed it. Although my lifestyle and personality are nothing like Dan's (the author's), I really enjoyed his sense of humor that shone through the book, despite its heavy subject matter. I even had some chuckle-out-loud moments at some of his gay and political humor. If anyone else has dealt with psychological/mental illness in their close friends/family - there may be some triggers in here, but they are handled extremely well, and did not make me put the book down. In fact, Dan's story gave me hope that there can be happy endings even when the mental illness seems unsolvable.

[Alicia · Rating 2 out of 5]

This memoir is more of a "not for me" than a not-at-all kind of book. While I got used to and sort of finally enjoyed that Mathews narrated the audiobook of his own memoir, I was a little annoyed by his writing yet I understand while he crafted the memoir in this way. Plus, I was also put off by the random ways that music and sound was incorporated into various parts of the story.

The performance of the audiobook probably gives it a little bump to maybe a 2.5 or even a 3 for me. It grew on me. But the dark humor and literally "crazy" story is just a little much for me but provides empathy (for me as a reader) to the varying family dynamics, mental health, parent/child bond, and necessity of survival in a situation that they needed to make the best of.

[Donia · Rating 1 out of 5]

When I selected this book I thought it was a book written about a little girl who grew up being bounced back and forth from one foster home to another and how as an adult she battled metal illness. Instead it seems to be a disjointed telling of how the author leads his life as a gay individual. I will say that I admire the fact that he took in his elderly mother and took care of her in her last years and I believe that people's sexual preferences is their business BUT I don't need to know how the author initiates sexual encounters with people that he doesn't know and then provides the intimate details of their trysts.

[Phyllis M. Wright · Rating 5 out of 5]

While reading this phenomenal book, I thought of my own mother who passed away in 2022. She had dementia and had gotten herself into a retirement community, thankfully.I got to all the traveling between Oklahoma and Florida and was very glad of it. Those of you who are able to take care of your parents at home? I salute you! Mom took herself to the Community, sold her house and went through her last stages of life from independent living through hospice care at Village on the Isle in Venice, Florida by her own choice. My husband and I were there for her final moments, and we are grateful for it. THANK YOU for being there and available!!!

[Denise · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars rounded up. This was an extremely quick, delightful, and often funny read. I found this memoir of the four years Dan Mathews lived with and cared for his schizophrenic mother to be heartwarming and mostly joyful. To think that this woman lived to be 80-something before she was diagnosed and medicated is astounding and amazing. I'm sure her life would've been infinitely easier had she been treated earlier, but that she survived and made a mostly happy life for herself is a testament to her resilience. I'm sure it helped that she had a loving and supportive family by her side.

[Miranda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Poignant memoir. The author’s perspective on mental health remains within a primarily white and privileged viewpoint. He addresses untreated schizophrenia with a lack of investigation into marginalized populations. Would have liked to see him extend his knowledge of how untreated mental health is much more likely within individuals such as his mother who grow up in foster care or other institutions of American society. Despite this, I enjoyed reading Matthews story and getting a look into this unique tale.

[Kathy Megaw · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I could have read this book before going through similar experiences with family members of my own. Dan Mathews is a great example of what a great help a caregiver can be while assisting and supporting a loved one through mental illness and/or end of life.

In this well written book, the author's work flows effortlessly, recounting a 5 year period of his life with his failing mother. While covering a serious topic, Mathews tastefully adds a large dose of humor!

The intriguing personalities of Dan and his mother add to the enjoyment of this memoir.

[Susan Kenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't usually go for books with a lot of humor. This memoir has an excellent balance of heart wrenching details of his mother's mental illness, facts about the illness, everyday life with his mom, and of course clever, humorous writing. Loved this book. Nice short chapters so that you can put down the book after a quick chapter and pick it up again without having to read the last page you read to remind you what was going on. I think the author has a very interesting life and I look forward to more books by him in the future.