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Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility, and Happiness
A leading clinical expert in the fields of child cognitive behavior therapy and anxiety disorders, Dr. Tamar Chansky frequently counsels children (and their parents) whose negative thinking creates chronic or occasional emotional hurdles and impedes optimism, flexibility, and happiness. Now, in the first book that specifically focuses on negative thinking in kids, Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking provides parents, caregivers, and clinicians the same clear, concise, and compassionate guidance that Dr. Chansky employed in her previous guides to relieving children from anxiety and obsessive compulsive symptoms. Here she thoroughly covers the underlying causes of children’s negative attitudes, as well as providing multiple strategies for managing negative thoughts, building optimism, and establishing emotional resilience.
336 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2008
146 people are currently reading
690 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
May 24, 2017
This is a tome of a book. It's like interviewing a top-level specialist! It's got great information, but I write books that overwhelmed parents can immediately use, and I have some suggestions:
First of all, look at the table of contents. See how it only mentions one level down in the chapters? Well that's not true. The material goes down several levels Because of this, you might want to copy down the sections you like on an index card so that you can remember them.
Each of the chapters has really valuable information. Again, you might want to take a piece of paper and write down three things from each chapter that you're going to try. Then in two months, do it again, selecting three different actions.
I offer these suggestions because I bought the book and despite the fact that I kind of do this for a living, it was kind of too much for me. Parents who are overwhelmed with emotions and situations don't always have time to read 300-plus pages, but TRY. Even if you just take one idea from each section, this book has wonderful content.
First of all, look at the table of contents. See how it only mentions one level down in the chapters? Well that's not true. The material goes down several levels Because of this, you might want to copy down the sections you like on an index card so that you can remember them.
Each of the chapters has really valuable information. Again, you might want to take a piece of paper and write down three things from each chapter that you're going to try. Then in two months, do it again, selecting three different actions.
I offer these suggestions because I bought the book and despite the fact that I kind of do this for a living, it was kind of too much for me. Parents who are overwhelmed with emotions and situations don't always have time to read 300-plus pages, but TRY. Even if you just take one idea from each section, this book has wonderful content.
February 9, 2010
Wow. This book is informative and helpful! As a parent of a kid who can be a bit of an "awfulizer" I really appreciated the NUMEROUS strategies and ideas to manage negative thoughts. The section on ways to transition to strategies was brilliant. I have often felt uncertain on how to work through difficult moments with my kids and find myself using suggestions for doing so directly from this book. Better yet, I am learning right along with my child and I think it has been a good thing for all five of us.
Countering the alarm messages (or sentences that can help your child when they are in the middle of a negative thought cycle/pattern):
- This is a big change, it feels uncomfortable.
- This feels bad, but that feeling is temporary. I'll feel better soon.
- I know this feeling won't last.
- This isn't what I wanted, but I can handle it.
See?! Tools that can help build a positive, confident mindset...
Countering the alarm messages (or sentences that can help your child when they are in the middle of a negative thought cycle/pattern):
- This is a big change, it feels uncomfortable.
- This feels bad, but that feeling is temporary. I'll feel better soon.
- I know this feeling won't last.
- This isn't what I wanted, but I can handle it.
See?! Tools that can help build a positive, confident mindset...
May 7, 2017
This book is a great, practical resource for parents and educators. It explains why some children think negatively, how their negative thinking affects them, and tools to get them on the "positive track."
I personally used many tactics in this book with my daughter and had much success. The only reason I gave it a four was because, in some instances, I thought the information could be better organized.
I personally used many tactics in this book with my daughter and had much success. The only reason I gave it a four was because, in some instances, I thought the information could be better organized.
December 2, 2014
Great ideas to keep a young negative mind on track and the rest around them calm.
January 5, 2021
"Managing adversity is one of the great secrets to success. Don't keep it from your child; pass it on." (p226)
This evening, I told one of my children that it was time to do the dishes. At our house we rotate who is in charge of dishes and this particular child had that job today. Immediately, the child fell onto the couch in tears and cried, "There's too much! I can't do it!" (This is a job done by both my children three times a week, so not a new or unusual request.) For the next half hour I was told repeatedly, "I will not do the dishes. I won't do them. I don't care if I don't get an allowance."
I write this about my child not to shame, but as an example of who this next book I am reviewing is written about. And, by default, who then might be the perfect reader for the book.
Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking by Tamar E. Chansky is an example of the perfect book falling into my life at the perfect time. I know my child is a negative thinker (and all children are at times) and I know that I, as the parent, can exacerbate or minimize that negative mindset. This book has taught me so much about what to do to help!
Most self help books seem to dwell in the abstract or in ambiguity, but this one is full of concrete and specific actions to take to address its issue. These strategies come in the form of activities, conversation starters, scripts, role plays, questions to ask, etc. Some of the scripts are similar to conversations I have with myself as an adult in order to pull myself out of a negative mindset so I already know they have worked for me. And the other strategies I have tried from this book have worked like a charm on BOTH of my kids!
One of the pieces of advice given by Chansky is to have students name their negative brain. This helps kids build in some separation from their negativity by talking about it using that name. Both Jack and Juliana have named their negative brain and we refer to them when we see them emerge in our home. Jack named his negative brain Billy Bong Johnson. 😂 The name is so hilarious that not a single one of us can stop ourselves from laughing whenever we talk about him and, immediately, the levity has seeped into the negativity and we are well on our way past it. It has worked brilliantly for us.
Juliana's negative brain has reared its ugly head in significant ways over the years when it comes to learning to read. The strategies in this book have helped me address her frustration with reading in ways that have proven to be very effective in getting her over her negativity and she has grown leaps and bounds over the last few months in her attitude and effort in reading.
Recently, I pulled this book out to refer to during a conversation with Jack when he was feeling left out of play that was happening with his sister and cousin. He saw me with the book and said, "I saw the title of that book and I want nothing to do with it!" 😂 I held the book open in my lap and followed a process the book lays out for frustrating (for the child) situations. I modeled what I was saying off a situation in the book. "I know you're using prompts, Mom, so I'm not going to say as much," my ever-observant son informed me. Yet, in less than five minutes, he had successfully reintroduced himself into the play that was happening with the other kids using a strategy I had guided him towards using those "prompts."
We have also used a wonderful activity at the dinner table whereby we write down positive adjectives that describe each family member on cards and pull them out of a bowl. Then we guess which family member the card is describing and why. My kids were both beaming at the end of the "game" and the next time it was Juliana's turn to make dinner she insisted we play it again.
And there are so many other strategies I have used with success from this book, including the Pen and Pencil List, Rewind, and Unfortunately, Fortunately (another great dinner table activity). There is also an excellent chapter on navigating social media that contains balanced and reasonable advice. The information and activities in this book are ones that all kids can benefit from.
When I finished this book, I closed it and thought I should immediately start it over again so I don't forget to keep trying all the great ideas to help my kids. This book coupled with The Happiest Baby on the Block are the dynamic duo of parenting books, in my humble opinion, and I can only hope this one will offer other parents the same support and success I have found by reading it.
This evening, I told one of my children that it was time to do the dishes. At our house we rotate who is in charge of dishes and this particular child had that job today. Immediately, the child fell onto the couch in tears and cried, "There's too much! I can't do it!" (This is a job done by both my children three times a week, so not a new or unusual request.) For the next half hour I was told repeatedly, "I will not do the dishes. I won't do them. I don't care if I don't get an allowance."
I write this about my child not to shame, but as an example of who this next book I am reviewing is written about. And, by default, who then might be the perfect reader for the book.
Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking by Tamar E. Chansky is an example of the perfect book falling into my life at the perfect time. I know my child is a negative thinker (and all children are at times) and I know that I, as the parent, can exacerbate or minimize that negative mindset. This book has taught me so much about what to do to help!
Most self help books seem to dwell in the abstract or in ambiguity, but this one is full of concrete and specific actions to take to address its issue. These strategies come in the form of activities, conversation starters, scripts, role plays, questions to ask, etc. Some of the scripts are similar to conversations I have with myself as an adult in order to pull myself out of a negative mindset so I already know they have worked for me. And the other strategies I have tried from this book have worked like a charm on BOTH of my kids!
One of the pieces of advice given by Chansky is to have students name their negative brain. This helps kids build in some separation from their negativity by talking about it using that name. Both Jack and Juliana have named their negative brain and we refer to them when we see them emerge in our home. Jack named his negative brain Billy Bong Johnson. 😂 The name is so hilarious that not a single one of us can stop ourselves from laughing whenever we talk about him and, immediately, the levity has seeped into the negativity and we are well on our way past it. It has worked brilliantly for us.
Juliana's negative brain has reared its ugly head in significant ways over the years when it comes to learning to read. The strategies in this book have helped me address her frustration with reading in ways that have proven to be very effective in getting her over her negativity and she has grown leaps and bounds over the last few months in her attitude and effort in reading.
Recently, I pulled this book out to refer to during a conversation with Jack when he was feeling left out of play that was happening with his sister and cousin. He saw me with the book and said, "I saw the title of that book and I want nothing to do with it!" 😂 I held the book open in my lap and followed a process the book lays out for frustrating (for the child) situations. I modeled what I was saying off a situation in the book. "I know you're using prompts, Mom, so I'm not going to say as much," my ever-observant son informed me. Yet, in less than five minutes, he had successfully reintroduced himself into the play that was happening with the other kids using a strategy I had guided him towards using those "prompts."
We have also used a wonderful activity at the dinner table whereby we write down positive adjectives that describe each family member on cards and pull them out of a bowl. Then we guess which family member the card is describing and why. My kids were both beaming at the end of the "game" and the next time it was Juliana's turn to make dinner she insisted we play it again.
And there are so many other strategies I have used with success from this book, including the Pen and Pencil List, Rewind, and Unfortunately, Fortunately (another great dinner table activity). There is also an excellent chapter on navigating social media that contains balanced and reasonable advice. The information and activities in this book are ones that all kids can benefit from.
When I finished this book, I closed it and thought I should immediately start it over again so I don't forget to keep trying all the great ideas to help my kids. This book coupled with The Happiest Baby on the Block are the dynamic duo of parenting books, in my humble opinion, and I can only hope this one will offer other parents the same support and success I have found by reading it.
January 26, 2018
I got into this book thinking it's a book on positive parenting, or on how to communicate well with your kids. It's neither. =P Instead it's about how to counsel your child when he/she tends to overreact (e.g. meltdown, think radical thoughts like "everyone hates me," or even become suicidal) to negative experiences. The first interesting thing I learned is that this tendency to think/react negatively is likely due to genetic markup. The second interesting I learned is, even though this tendency is inborn, you can develop habits in thinking to alter the neuron connections in your brain so that you gradually let the negative first reaction pass and see your second, more rational reading of the situation as the actual reality (and take actions to live out this reality). I personally am not entirely convinced that this is a useful tactic, though, because I tried it on myself when I had negative thoughts, and I keep questioning why I can be so sure that the second reality is more true than the first reality, when the facts/evidence can be interpreted both ways. So these habits are probably more useful in cases when the facts grossly contradict the first reality you perceive..... The author spent many, many pages detailing the scripts you can use to talk to the child, the games you can play, the family activities you can engage in....etc., to a degree that I find some chapters repetitive. But I guess another reader who really wants to implement something practical with a negative-thinking child would find the repetition helpful in solidifying the know-how.
February 1, 2019
I hesitate to dump on a book that is about freeing the mind from negative thinking, and which clearly comes from a place of compassion and a desire to help -- but for me, her cloying attempts to connect with the reader made for the bad chemistry that I wouldn't want with my therapist.
The pop culture references, inspirational quotes and everyday examples she uses to try to bring her writing to life never quite land and often don't relate to what she's saying at all. The attempts at humor might work in the office, but on the page, they're mom-joke corny in the extreme. And the sample conversations between parent and child have a hokey, after-school-special quality that lack even the thrust and parry I recognize in exchanges with my 4-year-old.
As for the advice, well, she's a total adherent of CBT, so get ready for lots of list-making. Seems like a problem for a kid who doesn't engage. That said, I have deployed some of her other techniques and so far they appear promising. I wish I hadn't needed to wait until chapter 9 (of 11) to get to the specific brand of negativity I'm most concerned about it in my kid, but I wouldn't have known from the chapter titles or sub-headings where to find the specific advice I was looking for.
The pop culture references, inspirational quotes and everyday examples she uses to try to bring her writing to life never quite land and often don't relate to what she's saying at all. The attempts at humor might work in the office, but on the page, they're mom-joke corny in the extreme. And the sample conversations between parent and child have a hokey, after-school-special quality that lack even the thrust and parry I recognize in exchanges with my 4-year-old.
As for the advice, well, she's a total adherent of CBT, so get ready for lots of list-making. Seems like a problem for a kid who doesn't engage. That said, I have deployed some of her other techniques and so far they appear promising. I wish I hadn't needed to wait until chapter 9 (of 11) to get to the specific brand of negativity I'm most concerned about it in my kid, but I wouldn't have known from the chapter titles or sub-headings where to find the specific advice I was looking for.
August 22, 2022
It took me a really long time to get through this book, and I was more than a little annoyed at myself for not making notes along the way. There were some really great ideas that I would like to try with my son. The book is very good, it's just me that struggles with staying focused on a book that isn't a novel with a driving plot line.
As a naturally positive person, it's hard for me to not want to just make people change. I need to do better with acknowledging that he sees things in a different way than I do, and that nothing I do is going to change that. It's okay for him to have his own reaction to things and way of processing. But we can work together on making sure that he doesn't spiral into what can be dangerous negativity.
I will definitely need to reread this book and I highly recommend it to other parents who struggle with children who tend to have a naturally negative mindset. These kids need all the love and support they can get.
As a naturally positive person, it's hard for me to not want to just make people change. I need to do better with acknowledging that he sees things in a different way than I do, and that nothing I do is going to change that. It's okay for him to have his own reaction to things and way of processing. But we can work together on making sure that he doesn't spiral into what can be dangerous negativity.
I will definitely need to reread this book and I highly recommend it to other parents who struggle with children who tend to have a naturally negative mindset. These kids need all the love and support they can get.
November 24, 2021
This book could make a great workshop, but as a book I found it disjointed and overwhelming at times. Despite introducing profiles of several different types of kids who tend toward the negative in chapter one, most of the examples in the book seemed to be of one variety of negative kid—the beat myself up over everything, nothing ever goes right kid. There was much less focus on the glass half empty kid, described as largely irritated by normal life happenings, which more describes the kid in my life who tends toward the negative. Overall, though, there are many helpful strategies here for kids of all temperaments, so it’s worth reading the chapters that pertain to your situation.
January 6, 2023
If unaddressed at the early stages, negative thinking can become the gateway to depression and more serious mental health issues. Habitual negative thinking creates chronic or occasional emotional hurdles and impedes optimism, flexibility, and happiness. Being constantly being overloaded with information from friends, classmates, teachers, parents, and the internet, children need tools and strategies for redirecting negative thoughts when they come. Also includes an expanded section on depression, the importance of healthy sleep, and the parent's role in their children's digital lives. With practical tools for parents to guide their children through these challenges.
Pretty good - just an expanded take on Growth Mindset. A book to read the chapters that apply to your current life. A good book to revisit periodically. I liked it and would recommend.
Pretty good - just an expanded take on Growth Mindset. A book to read the chapters that apply to your current life. A good book to revisit periodically. I liked it and would recommend.
January 31, 2023
I’m not a fan of self-help books, because I always leave them feeling more overwhelmed than when I started. I simply don’t believe that a one-size-fits-all solution is helpful. However, this book was recommended to me by an expert so I picked it up, and I’m glad. It has very practical ideas, scripts to use, and the why behind the strategies. We have tried a few of the tips in this book and of course not all of them have worked (because all kids are different!) but some have, and we have adapted others, and I am glad to have more options available when we’re spiraling.
December 20, 2023
This book is FABULOUS for those with kids who struggle with negative thinking and low self-esteem. I found it very valuable with many practical strategies, scripts, and tools to utilize immediately. So happy I found it.
June 4, 2024
I think it’s a great book to have at home. It’s a nice manual, not only for behaviour change, but also for prevention. The writing is sometimes complex and might be difficult for non-academic audience to understand though.
June 30, 2021
Great advice for myself as well as the kids. I would change some of the wording he uses but the concepts are solid.
Read
December 5, 2022DNF
June 2, 2011
This was a powerful read for me. It opened my eyes to some very important concepts. We come wired with the way we think about things, but it doesn't mean it should control us or send us on a downward spiral.
This book gives solutions to negative thinking that work and are practical and lasting....things that actually change the paths in the brain so that when something negative comes our way we can automatically recognize it for what it is and then change our view of it and move forward.
I've read many self help and psych type books. This by far is in my very top 3 because:
1. the author nails it on the head in every aspect of this personality type. She knows her stuff!
2. She talks about practical solutions that work not only with kids but adults too. It's not just descriptive of the problem like many of these type of books. It actually gives practical strategies for change. Awesome really!
3. For the first time, I felt like someone actually understood exactly some of my concerns and gave me practical, sound advice that would work. Finally!
She also had another book to help kids with anxiety. I am certain it would be just as good.
Halleljah! Tamar Chansky, Bravo!
This book gives solutions to negative thinking that work and are practical and lasting....things that actually change the paths in the brain so that when something negative comes our way we can automatically recognize it for what it is and then change our view of it and move forward.
I've read many self help and psych type books. This by far is in my very top 3 because:
1. the author nails it on the head in every aspect of this personality type. She knows her stuff!
2. She talks about practical solutions that work not only with kids but adults too. It's not just descriptive of the problem like many of these type of books. It actually gives practical strategies for change. Awesome really!
3. For the first time, I felt like someone actually understood exactly some of my concerns and gave me practical, sound advice that would work. Finally!
She also had another book to help kids with anxiety. I am certain it would be just as good.
Halleljah! Tamar Chansky, Bravo!
October 11, 2012
A great book with practical advice for everyone. Even if your child doesn't tend towards the negative, this book details how to help your child maintain a positive outlook. The book teaches you how to coach your child as you analyze a problem and find out what part went wrong instead of your child thinking that "everything" went wrong. By coach, I do mean coach, the author definitely discourages parents from solving kids' problems. Research has shown that kids who have a more optimistic outlook are less likely to commit suicide. I know, it's not exactly rocket science, but it does make the case for helping kids to see beyond the black and white, all or nothing scenarios that can be built up in their minds.
May 16, 2015
As self-help books go, this one has a good balance of theory to examples to advice. As an advice treasure chest, the advice was very intellectual/rational. It relies on the parent being clever and out-thinking the problem. I think more behavioral advice that was action-oriented might be better, but then the problem is in thinking so...
Currently reading
February 10, 2009I am loving this book! I highly recommend it to anyone who is struggling with a child who has negative thought patterns.. Also if you as an adult struggle with this - it is super insightful. This author is full of wisdom. I have not completed it yet, but read enough to know its very helpful!
August 10, 2014
Very helpful read in understanding how negative thinking works and ways to help reroute those thoughts. Many of the strategies are geared toward older kids but I found ways to adapt or use only applicable strategies for elementary aged children and they definitely helped.
Read
January 19, 2009This is a great book on this issue, lots of good ideas and strategies for children and teens.
April 5, 2010
Excellent ideas for working with children and adolescents and responding to negative thinking in kids. WEll written and organized.
June 19, 2012
This had some great ideas and I took lots of notes. However, I can see it is going to take some practice implementing these kinds of dialogue. It would be a handy book to have on hand!
November 14, 2012
Every parent must read.
Want to read
August 31, 2016Reading bits slowly as time permits.
February 14, 2016
I found the writing painfully dry. Read the bulleted points on page 239 for a summation of her advice and save several mind-numbing hours.
October 27, 2016
I didn't actually finish it. Mostly because I have a hard time finishing nonfiction books. The book was a great help, though. It really helped me understand why my son did and said the things he did. It also gave lots of great information on how to handle a negative thinking spiral. I also realized that I was contributing to his negative thinking by the words I said. It helped me see that I also get stuck in negative thinking. Now that I can recognize it, it makes it easier to get out of it. My son is still a negative thinker and probably always will be, but thanks to this book, we can work together to come back from the negative thoughts.
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews