What do you think?
Rate this book
Being at Your Best When Your Kids Are at Their Worst: Practical Compassion in Parenting
A practical, meditative approach that can be used in the moment to help you stay calm and balanced when your child's behavior is pushing you to your limit--by the popular author ofSimplicity Parenting.
When children are at their most difficult and challenging situations arise, how can we react in a way that reflects our family values and expectations? Often, when children “push our buttons,” we find ourselves reacting in ways that are far from our principles, often further inflaming a situation.
When our children are at their worst, they need us to be at our best—or as close to it as we can be. Educator and family counselor Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, offers techniques that simply and directly shift these damaging patterns in communication and parental behavior. These grounded and practical strategies will help you:
• Slow down the interaction
• Be more in control of your reactions
• Open up a much wider range of helpful responses
• Sense what your child’s deeper needs are even though they are misbehaving
• Respond in a way that gives your child a feeling of being heard and still puts a boundary in place
Payne’s meditative approach can be done anywhere, anytime; it lifts you out of old, unwanted patterns of action-reaction and prepares you so that the voice you speak with is closer to the parent you want to be. His concrete and simple techniques can help you, and your children, be at your best, even in the most challenging of times.
When children are at their most difficult and challenging situations arise, how can we react in a way that reflects our family values and expectations? Often, when children “push our buttons,” we find ourselves reacting in ways that are far from our principles, often further inflaming a situation.
When our children are at their worst, they need us to be at our best—or as close to it as we can be. Educator and family counselor Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, offers techniques that simply and directly shift these damaging patterns in communication and parental behavior. These grounded and practical strategies will help you:
• Slow down the interaction
• Be more in control of your reactions
• Open up a much wider range of helpful responses
• Sense what your child’s deeper needs are even though they are misbehaving
• Respond in a way that gives your child a feeling of being heard and still puts a boundary in place
Payne’s meditative approach can be done anywhere, anytime; it lifts you out of old, unwanted patterns of action-reaction and prepares you so that the voice you speak with is closer to the parent you want to be. His concrete and simple techniques can help you, and your children, be at your best, even in the most challenging of times.
176 pages, Hardcover
Published September 3, 2019
219 people are currently reading
2427 people want to read
About the author
Kim John Payne
12 books146 followersA consultant and trainer to 250 U.S. independent and public schools and school districts, Kim John Payne, M.Ed., has been a school and family counselor for more than thirty years. He has also consulted for clinics, training centers, and educational associations in South Africa, Hungary, Israel, Russia, Ireland, Switzerland, Germany, Australia, the United Kingdom, and Canada. He has served as the project director of the Collaborative Counseling Program at Antioch University and the co-director of an extensive research program on a drug-free approach to attention-priority issues. He is the director of the Simplicity Parenting Project and the Center for Social Sustainability and has worked extensively with the American and U.K. Waldorf movements. The author of Games Children Play, Simplicity Parenting, and Beyond Winning, he lives with his wife and two children in Northampton, Massachusetts.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 74 reviews
May 30, 2020
Kim John Payne is, basically, my parenting guru. His book Simplicity Parenting radically changed how my husband and I view our role as parents and how we do life as a family. Needless to say, I was SUPER excited to hear he had a new book coming out and immediately put a hold on it at the library. As the mom of a feisty 3 year old who had recently started having meltdowns of epic proportions, the title ("Being at Your Best When Your Kids Are at Their Worst") spoke to me and I went into this read certain it was going to be a gamer changer.
I don't want to say that I was disappointed with it because that's not true ... it was a good book; interesting and thought-provoking. It just wasn't quite what I was expecting. It has a heavy focus on mindfulness and introspection, and I was hoping for something that was a little more hands-on practical.
I don't want to say that I was disappointed with it because that's not true ... it was a good book; interesting and thought-provoking. It just wasn't quite what I was expecting. It has a heavy focus on mindfulness and introspection, and I was hoping for something that was a little more hands-on practical.
February 8, 2025
PARENTS: PLEASE DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME READING THIS BOOK!!
Most of this book felt like such utter nonsense.
-Your fevered self needs to meet with your flow self so you can be your golden self for your child......I mean, WHAT?!
-Every family has a "naughty" uncle who exposes our kids to questionable media and too much sugar.....HUH??
-A child is never deliberately disobedient, they are merely disoriented.....WHAT IN THE WORLD?! I mean, does this author even have children?
I will tell you something from this book that I did find useful: parents MUST control their emotions and THINK before responding to misbehavior. Absolutely! This is vital!!
Here's the problem: it was far too easy to get lost in the weeds of nonsense to even remember the good. I mean, seriously, I can hardly remember the couple of good points this guy made. I have a faint memory of thinking....oh, finally something that makes sense...but I am struggling to recall the details of those because I was so distracted by the utter nonsense.
Most of this book felt like such utter nonsense.
-Your fevered self needs to meet with your flow self so you can be your golden self for your child......I mean, WHAT?!
-Every family has a "naughty" uncle who exposes our kids to questionable media and too much sugar.....HUH??
-A child is never deliberately disobedient, they are merely disoriented.....WHAT IN THE WORLD?! I mean, does this author even have children?
I will tell you something from this book that I did find useful: parents MUST control their emotions and THINK before responding to misbehavior. Absolutely! This is vital!!
Here's the problem: it was far too easy to get lost in the weeds of nonsense to even remember the good. I mean, seriously, I can hardly remember the couple of good points this guy made. I have a faint memory of thinking....oh, finally something that makes sense...but I am struggling to recall the details of those because I was so distracted by the utter nonsense.
September 22, 2022
For the author of “simplicity parenting”, this volume could use some simplifying. The changing fonts were annoying, the layout was frustrating (explaining why this Compassion Response is amazing before explaining the response itself), and there was just too much fluff to mine through to get at the good stuff. Giving it 2 stars because there is gold here, just very well hidden and often in need of translation from woo woo to practical. The basics of slowing down difficult interactions, meditating and working on your own emotions to better deal with your reactions to your child, and practicing compassion for the disoriented (never disobedient) child are really all you need. That simple. And actually, thats all on the back of the book!
August 26, 2019
This title totally grabbed my attention and then I saw it was by the same author as Simplicity Parenting and I was sold. One of the most challenging parts of parenting is staying even-keeled and compassionate when the noise and chaos level is high, which is often...Our kids are wonderful and parenting is also the hardest thing I have ever done.
My husband and I often talk about the daily struggles being the hardest part of this stage of life. It can feel like a rollercoaster ride of emotions and there is this constant that can really push you to the limit. In addition to the needs of our children, we have the obligations of work, home and the daily expectations of just being an adult. It can be hard to find a balance between all of these and have a calm response when life is anything but that.
Kim John Payne writes in an approachable and relatable manner which makes this writing accessible. He then dives right into advice and tools about how to break the "action-reaction" response with your children. This sounds like it would be simple, but when you are in the thick of it it can be so hard. He then moves into a 4 step
"compassion response" that adults can use to respectfully and effectively communicate with children, especially when they are in crisis.
I love how he talks about the why and also the how of this approach. The idea of staying self-regulated when a child (or any person for that matter) is easy to conceptualize but often hard to execute "at the moment". This book is a practical guide for any parent or person that works with children. I found it helpful AND encouraging which is the best combination when it comes to "self-help" parenting books.
Thank you to Shambhala Publications for an advanced copy. All opinions are my own.
My husband and I often talk about the daily struggles being the hardest part of this stage of life. It can feel like a rollercoaster ride of emotions and there is this constant that can really push you to the limit. In addition to the needs of our children, we have the obligations of work, home and the daily expectations of just being an adult. It can be hard to find a balance between all of these and have a calm response when life is anything but that.
Kim John Payne writes in an approachable and relatable manner which makes this writing accessible. He then dives right into advice and tools about how to break the "action-reaction" response with your children. This sounds like it would be simple, but when you are in the thick of it it can be so hard. He then moves into a 4 step
"compassion response" that adults can use to respectfully and effectively communicate with children, especially when they are in crisis.
I love how he talks about the why and also the how of this approach. The idea of staying self-regulated when a child (or any person for that matter) is easy to conceptualize but often hard to execute "at the moment". This book is a practical guide for any parent or person that works with children. I found it helpful AND encouraging which is the best combination when it comes to "self-help" parenting books.
Thank you to Shambhala Publications for an advanced copy. All opinions are my own.
November 16, 2025
Not the best of his books, as it has some deeply spiritual parts that didn’t really resonate with me, but I still like his overall approach to parenting as well as the real-life examples he cited.
August 9, 2023
Unnecessarily long winded, lots of fluff. My take away basically being take a minute and calm down before responding. Not very groundbreaking, but it is what it is. My research of how to parent my high spirited child continues..
June 24, 2020
This parenting guide teaches a visualization and breathing technique ("the Compassionate Response") to help parents master emotional self-regulation when dealing with misbehaving children.
“Cultivating the ability to stay centered when our children are losing it is just as sacred and special as the lovely and fun times.” (page 173)
Visualization isn't something that works for me, but this book does contain a lot of good information and things to think about. One of the best pieces of advice is to think of a "disobedient" child as "disoriented." Thinking of a child as distressed instead of a defiant changes how one will respond to that child especially during heated moments.
Among other things, the author teaches parents to identify their triggers, so that they can circuit break their angry reactions before they lose emotional control. If you are using the author's technique, it is at this point that the compassionate response practice (pages 115 — 148) that kicks in and provides a better emotional response. But if you're not, then you can pause momentarily in order to regain self-control and provide a better response than would have resulted from emotional autopilot. This would also be a good time to try the Super Nanny Jo Frost's S.O.S. technique, which is 1) step out, 2) observe, and 3) step back in.
The author cautions against "enmeshment" where the parent overlays his/her own experience over the child's as the result of a "stress-regress" or "backward-biography" response, which prevents the parent from actually trying to understand what the child's experience is. (pages 42 — 45) The author emphasizes the importance of keeping one's own experience at a distance in order to get a clear picture of what is happening in regard to one's child because the child's lived experience is unique to him/her.
Another good point the author discusses is that children acting out are pushing boundaries in order to find stability, so when a parent gives in, it creates a leadership vacuum into which the child falls. This lack of support and adult leadership heightens the child’s distress and creates new problems. He describes this behavior as “pinging,” (pages 50 — 53) and it is a sign that a “disoriented” child is in need of support.
There is an explanation of child-centered versus value-centered families (pages 180 — 185), which is basically parenting where the child sets with rules based on his/her needs and wants versus parenting where the adults set the rules based on their values. Of course, the author is in favor of values-centered parenting and not letting a child run the show with his/her self-centers desires and lack of worldly experience.
He touches upon how to deflect the Influences of extended family, friends, and other weirdos (pages 186 — 190), but I wish he would have gone more in-depth in what to when others in one’s social circle refuse to respect the way in which one chooses to raise his/her children especially if members of the peanut gallery thinks one is being “too strict” and no “fun.” My husband and I encounter this all time, so some guidance beyond ‘be firm but calm’ would have been welcome.
The author gives some practical advice like reducing and limiting the number of things in a child's room and the number of activities in a child's life in order to prevent the child from becoming overwhelmed and overstimulated, which increases the likelihood of bad behavior, which in turn provokes negative emotional responses in parents. He is a big proponent of limiting screen time and digital interactions. He explains the importance of helping children form relationships to 1) nature, 2) family, 3) friends, and 4) self. (pages 60 — 67)
There is a history of parenting styles listed in chronological order (page 36 — 41), which I found interesting. These are:
* Blind Obedience (Pre-1960s)
* The Transitional Years (1946 -- 1969)
* Freestyling (1970s)
* Parents Become "The Management" (1990s)
* Raised on Praise (2000 -- Present)
* Explaining a Kid into Submission (2005 -- Present)
I had to laugh at the phrase explaining children into submission because I am definitely guilty of doing that. This is partly because I was raised by adults who never offered explanations and expected blind obedience and partly because I think that if children know the reasons behind the rules/requests, they will be more likely to do things since they understand the rationale behind them. I also don't want my children to think I'm arbitrarily ordering them around simply because I have the power to.
“Cultivating the ability to stay centered when our children are losing it is just as sacred and special as the lovely and fun times.” (page 173)
Visualization isn't something that works for me, but this book does contain a lot of good information and things to think about. One of the best pieces of advice is to think of a "disobedient" child as "disoriented." Thinking of a child as distressed instead of a defiant changes how one will respond to that child especially during heated moments.
Among other things, the author teaches parents to identify their triggers, so that they can circuit break their angry reactions before they lose emotional control. If you are using the author's technique, it is at this point that the compassionate response practice (pages 115 — 148) that kicks in and provides a better emotional response. But if you're not, then you can pause momentarily in order to regain self-control and provide a better response than would have resulted from emotional autopilot. This would also be a good time to try the Super Nanny Jo Frost's S.O.S. technique, which is 1) step out, 2) observe, and 3) step back in.
The author cautions against "enmeshment" where the parent overlays his/her own experience over the child's as the result of a "stress-regress" or "backward-biography" response, which prevents the parent from actually trying to understand what the child's experience is. (pages 42 — 45) The author emphasizes the importance of keeping one's own experience at a distance in order to get a clear picture of what is happening in regard to one's child because the child's lived experience is unique to him/her.
Another good point the author discusses is that children acting out are pushing boundaries in order to find stability, so when a parent gives in, it creates a leadership vacuum into which the child falls. This lack of support and adult leadership heightens the child’s distress and creates new problems. He describes this behavior as “pinging,” (pages 50 — 53) and it is a sign that a “disoriented” child is in need of support.
There is an explanation of child-centered versus value-centered families (pages 180 — 185), which is basically parenting where the child sets with rules based on his/her needs and wants versus parenting where the adults set the rules based on their values. Of course, the author is in favor of values-centered parenting and not letting a child run the show with his/her self-centers desires and lack of worldly experience.
He touches upon how to deflect the Influences of extended family, friends, and other weirdos (pages 186 — 190), but I wish he would have gone more in-depth in what to when others in one’s social circle refuse to respect the way in which one chooses to raise his/her children especially if members of the peanut gallery thinks one is being “too strict” and no “fun.” My husband and I encounter this all time, so some guidance beyond ‘be firm but calm’ would have been welcome.
The author gives some practical advice like reducing and limiting the number of things in a child's room and the number of activities in a child's life in order to prevent the child from becoming overwhelmed and overstimulated, which increases the likelihood of bad behavior, which in turn provokes negative emotional responses in parents. He is a big proponent of limiting screen time and digital interactions. He explains the importance of helping children form relationships to 1) nature, 2) family, 3) friends, and 4) self. (pages 60 — 67)
There is a history of parenting styles listed in chronological order (page 36 — 41), which I found interesting. These are:
* Blind Obedience (Pre-1960s)
* The Transitional Years (1946 -- 1969)
* Freestyling (1970s)
* Parents Become "The Management" (1990s)
* Raised on Praise (2000 -- Present)
* Explaining a Kid into Submission (2005 -- Present)
I had to laugh at the phrase explaining children into submission because I am definitely guilty of doing that. This is partly because I was raised by adults who never offered explanations and expected blind obedience and partly because I think that if children know the reasons behind the rules/requests, they will be more likely to do things since they understand the rationale behind them. I also don't want my children to think I'm arbitrarily ordering them around simply because I have the power to.
October 20, 2024
Not a book so much about parenting, but instead a book about having compassion for yourself. About reflecting, pausing, and being kind to yourself. Slowing your responses and looking at your children with understanding.
Would have liked more real life examples. A little slow. I found myself skimming at the end a lot.
Would have liked more real life examples. A little slow. I found myself skimming at the end a lot.
March 26, 2021
I enjoyed the first part of this book, and the different explanations of parenting styles and types. I also liked that he gave tips on how to be kinder to yourself (as the parent) and how to be more engaged and in tune with your child. I think that these are both important aspects of parenting. He was very spot on about our own baggage as a parent, what we bring from our childhood that affects our parenting abilities sometimes, unconsciously.
I would recommend this book to parents who are just kind of venturing into this deeper, more mindful level of parenting. I think for myself, I've taken a mindfulness class as well as gone to therapy to overcome and work through some of my reactive responses/triggers, and that's why I am giving the book a 4 instead of a 5. It was also a little repetitive to me because I've worked on a lot of what he brings in the book. I think that if you've not done that internal work before reading this book that this would've definitely been a 5 star read for me.
I would recommend this book to parents who are just kind of venturing into this deeper, more mindful level of parenting. I think for myself, I've taken a mindfulness class as well as gone to therapy to overcome and work through some of my reactive responses/triggers, and that's why I am giving the book a 4 instead of a 5. It was also a little repetitive to me because I've worked on a lot of what he brings in the book. I think that if you've not done that internal work before reading this book that this would've definitely been a 5 star read for me.
March 14, 2025
This book is a spiritual awakening call for parents. It outlines a detailed meditative approach for emotional self regulation primarily directed toward the interactions we have with our children. We need to celebrate our successes AND embrace our struggles.
November 6, 2019
This is an excellent parenting book for parents who often find themselves, "losing it!" I might have to actually purchase this book for future references. :)
November 25, 2019
"Acknowledging and understanding that our children are disoriented rather than disobedient when they act out helps us embrace a more accepting attitude."
January 23, 2025
- Being on the balcony and the playground: when tensions are bubbling, try to observe from a higher place as well as participate. What is triggering this behaviour? Ask for their perspective on the situation “Can you help me understand how you see it? The way you see it is probably different to the way your brother and I see it, and that’s ok”.
- Emotional strain injury: repetitive bad habits, eg sarcasm, provocative questioning, overly assertive questioning. When this happens, try to move into the observation perspective, then try to avoid this reaction in future by becoming aware and practicing alternatives.
- Pinging: when child is feeling vulnerable they will act out with behaviour or words, ‘pinging’ you. They are testing that you are safe, that you will hold firm, that everything is stable and normal. They are unsettled and need to push up against someone safe and stable. It is distressing for them if they unsettle you. “I know you’re having a hard time, but X is not allowed”. Gentle but form holding of boundaries.
- Softening: shifting from your own tension to a position of trying to understand and having empathy will change the feeling for the child too and help them. They will still misbehave, but you are accepting that they are disoriented and being there to support them.
- Simplify the environment and schedule to help everyone feel calmer (cut back on stuff, rotate the stuff you have)
- Kids need connection to self, connection to family, connection to friends and play, connection to nature. Need time for each of these.
- Focus into circle of influence rather than circle of concern. What can I proactively do to make positive differences?
- True north vs magnetic north: true north is based on family values – do I think this is right? Magnetic north is following what most other people are doing. Applies to what you buy kids, what you allow them to do.
- Hard wood grows slowly: need time and deep experiences to grow into a sturdy, high quality person.
- Compassionate response practice: breathing in the imperfect ‘fevered’ state, accept with your heart’s arms. Breathe out the vibrant ‘flow’ state, project it out around you. Accept both at the same time, it’s normal and fine to be imperfect, but you are also doing things well.
- Centre the family around values, not the children. Allows you to feel calm and confident in your choices and express these to others without apology or judgement. Kids absorb the values over time.
- Emotional strain injury: repetitive bad habits, eg sarcasm, provocative questioning, overly assertive questioning. When this happens, try to move into the observation perspective, then try to avoid this reaction in future by becoming aware and practicing alternatives.
- Pinging: when child is feeling vulnerable they will act out with behaviour or words, ‘pinging’ you. They are testing that you are safe, that you will hold firm, that everything is stable and normal. They are unsettled and need to push up against someone safe and stable. It is distressing for them if they unsettle you. “I know you’re having a hard time, but X is not allowed”. Gentle but form holding of boundaries.
- Softening: shifting from your own tension to a position of trying to understand and having empathy will change the feeling for the child too and help them. They will still misbehave, but you are accepting that they are disoriented and being there to support them.
- Simplify the environment and schedule to help everyone feel calmer (cut back on stuff, rotate the stuff you have)
- Kids need connection to self, connection to family, connection to friends and play, connection to nature. Need time for each of these.
- Focus into circle of influence rather than circle of concern. What can I proactively do to make positive differences?
- True north vs magnetic north: true north is based on family values – do I think this is right? Magnetic north is following what most other people are doing. Applies to what you buy kids, what you allow them to do.
- Hard wood grows slowly: need time and deep experiences to grow into a sturdy, high quality person.
- Compassionate response practice: breathing in the imperfect ‘fevered’ state, accept with your heart’s arms. Breathe out the vibrant ‘flow’ state, project it out around you. Accept both at the same time, it’s normal and fine to be imperfect, but you are also doing things well.
- Centre the family around values, not the children. Allows you to feel calm and confident in your choices and express these to others without apology or judgement. Kids absorb the values over time.
February 11, 2025
I absolutely love how the author uses metaphors throughout the book to explain complex emotional experiences and behaviors. The author has a brilliant way of making abstract concepts tangible by comparing them to physical health experiences. We, as humans, are often more compassionate toward visible symptoms, like a fevered child, but we tend to be less understanding when it comes to invisible emotional or behavioral struggles. This creative approach offers a unique perspective, inviting readers to approach emotional experiences with the same compassion we would extend to a sick child.
What particularly resonated with me was the author’s approach to how your own experience being parenting as a child contributes to your current parenting strategy. Instead of engaging in blaming and shaming (which contributes to a victim mentality) the author explores the evolution of parenting fads over time creating a brilliant pathway for extending compassion to our own parents and their parenting intentions. I found myself asking the poignant question: What am I doing now as a parent that might be considered outdated with further understanding in the future? It also challenges readers to think about how they show compassion to their children now, in hopes that their children will return that same compassion when the roles inevitably reverse.
I also found many of the author’s points particularly thought-provoking such as reframing conflict avoidance as “harmony addiction” and the idea that the behavior we sometimes call “cute” in children might actually be developmentally inappropriate. In addition, the saying “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical” was immensely fitting for recognizing when our own unresolved experiences become projected in our reactions to our children.
Inviting compassion in times of parenting distress can be a significant challenge if not done with consideration in order to reduce triggering defensiveness. The book focuses on a meditation for exploring compassionate and non judgemental shifts in awareness, making it a perfect independently driven, self reflective resource.
I highly recommend this book to parents and any professionals working with children or teens (teachers, therapists or other care professionals).
What particularly resonated with me was the author’s approach to how your own experience being parenting as a child contributes to your current parenting strategy. Instead of engaging in blaming and shaming (which contributes to a victim mentality) the author explores the evolution of parenting fads over time creating a brilliant pathway for extending compassion to our own parents and their parenting intentions. I found myself asking the poignant question: What am I doing now as a parent that might be considered outdated with further understanding in the future? It also challenges readers to think about how they show compassion to their children now, in hopes that their children will return that same compassion when the roles inevitably reverse.
I also found many of the author’s points particularly thought-provoking such as reframing conflict avoidance as “harmony addiction” and the idea that the behavior we sometimes call “cute” in children might actually be developmentally inappropriate. In addition, the saying “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical” was immensely fitting for recognizing when our own unresolved experiences become projected in our reactions to our children.
Inviting compassion in times of parenting distress can be a significant challenge if not done with consideration in order to reduce triggering defensiveness. The book focuses on a meditation for exploring compassionate and non judgemental shifts in awareness, making it a perfect independently driven, self reflective resource.
I highly recommend this book to parents and any professionals working with children or teens (teachers, therapists or other care professionals).
October 22, 2024
A short and sweet piece on parenting/teaching with compassion. There was not a lot here that was new for me, but I can definitely see how this presentation of the values and habits of compassion in the parenting (or teaching) relationship comes off as a little woo woo. It’s always bizarre to me when psych stuff and the associated strategies are presented in almost objective polarities - this is what something looks like at one extreme compared with how it shows up at the other extreme. There are so many insecure shadows of grey in between and I wish just a bit more emphasis was placed on compassion as a value, habit, and practice, not a state of being parents (or teachers) can hold themselves to in perpetuity. The author certainly makes this point, it just wasn’t foregrounded as much as I wanted it to be.
At the end of the day, peace with your parenting/teaching style will come from being able to accept your own shortcomings as a messy human being, apologize when you err, and make amends in the relationships that matter to you. It’s just so wild that we don’t create space in our society for people to learn about parenting before or even as they do it — right up there with our lack of financial literacy and household management basics in our public education system. We learn how to live in this world in the margins of all our other doings. Wild.
At the end of the day, peace with your parenting/teaching style will come from being able to accept your own shortcomings as a messy human being, apologize when you err, and make amends in the relationships that matter to you. It’s just so wild that we don’t create space in our society for people to learn about parenting before or even as they do it — right up there with our lack of financial literacy and household management basics in our public education system. We learn how to live in this world in the margins of all our other doings. Wild.
January 12, 2021
Four stars for the method and ideas presented. Three stars for the writing style, which was hard to get through with all the non-related examples.
Rather than focus on the child and possible "problem behaviors," much of this book focused on the inner work of parents needed to keep centered and calm in moments of conflict. This was a refreshing perspective on what we can actually control to change in our family. The parenting perspective here aligns with the work of Janet Lansbury and RIE, however Payne outlines a practice that will help parents become that centered and strong leader to ground our children.
I definitely recommend this practice to all parents who are struggling or need a little bit of encouragement in their parenting lives. As for the book, skim it and focus in on Part II.
Rather than focus on the child and possible "problem behaviors," much of this book focused on the inner work of parents needed to keep centered and calm in moments of conflict. This was a refreshing perspective on what we can actually control to change in our family. The parenting perspective here aligns with the work of Janet Lansbury and RIE, however Payne outlines a practice that will help parents become that centered and strong leader to ground our children.
I definitely recommend this practice to all parents who are struggling or need a little bit of encouragement in their parenting lives. As for the book, skim it and focus in on Part II.
June 14, 2022
It was just ok: I didn’t find any mind-shattering tips or fool-proof advices here. Some of the suggestions were very simple and obvious: be compassionate, try to remain calm. Basic common sense. The book itself, which was very short, read more like a summary of a longer book: it was very dense and succinct to the point that I really felt like more information, or even fillers, would have added more value to it. The book also lacked any scientific basis – I think it would have been great to include more about children psychology or brain development.
Overall, it real like a long list of very simple, although good, advices: do this, don’t do that, be nice to your kids, listen to them be present. I am sure others probably found this book more helpful, but I really didn’t get much of it in terms of a parenting resource. That’s probably just my personal preference.
Overall, it real like a long list of very simple, although good, advices: do this, don’t do that, be nice to your kids, listen to them be present. I am sure others probably found this book more helpful, but I really didn’t get much of it in terms of a parenting resource. That’s probably just my personal preference.
May 2, 2023
Parenting is as much about learning to be a better human as trying to help your kid become a good one. This book was an excellent source of insight, practice, and anecdotes that were not only relatable, but hit so close to home. My biggest take away was the compassionate response practice— like many of the mindfulness, emotional regulation/brain science parenting books out there, Payne maps out an actual strategy that helps us think through regulating ourselves first and then extending to our children. The way it is described in this book was helpful and different. I liked the terminology and language. I also appreciated the encouragement to grow in forgiving one’s self for blowing it in parenting. For those who do not like multiple anecdotes/winding story telling/analogies to get to points, this book is not for you. I enjoyed and gleaned a lot from this one!
September 6, 2023
Being at Your Best When Your Kids are at Their Worst. This is more of a self-help book for parents, than a parenting how-to book. The focus is on meditation, or mindfulness, as a tool to deal with difficult situations with your children. Though written from a secular worldview, I found a lot of the tips helpful and can apply a lot of the meditation practices with my Christian worldview. I disagree with the author on his stance on disobedience, because we are all, as human beings, rebellious. It just highlights for me that not every act of defiance from a child is an act of disobedience. There are some good tips in this book for recognising your triggers as a parent, and that is the part I found most helpful.
May 6, 2023
I would give this 3.5 stars. I enjoyed many parts of it, but some of it was over my head. This book was primarily about parenting yourself in order to be a better parent. I really enjoyed that aspect of his writing on practical compassion.
My less-than-positive experience of this book has more to do with my personality than with any failing in the pages however. As a very black & white and literal person, some of the more imaginative or spiritual sections of the book (mostly the middle chapters) kind of lost me.
But I really enjoyed the chapters at the end of the book about cultivating family values and seeking reconciliation and repair after conflict in the family.
My less-than-positive experience of this book has more to do with my personality than with any failing in the pages however. As a very black & white and literal person, some of the more imaginative or spiritual sections of the book (mostly the middle chapters) kind of lost me.
But I really enjoyed the chapters at the end of the book about cultivating family values and seeking reconciliation and repair after conflict in the family.
May 16, 2024
I listened to the audiobook version, which I think detracted from the effectiveness of this book (not to mention, the narrator was painfully boring to listen to). However, the content was so good that I plan to purchase a hard copy of this book to read again. Each chapter has practical exercises to teach you how to practice “compassionate response” in your parenting. (This is difficult to do with the audiobook alone.) The author states at the end of the book that this parenting book is different from others in that it doesn’t focus so much on childhood as it does on self-examination of the parents and change of their behavior. It is just what I need at this stage in my parenting journey.
reject
February 25, 2022DNF at 61%
I realized I was forcing myself to read this solely to finish it and not because I was getting anything out of it. I can see how this would be helpful to some parents. For myself, I'm still searching for a parenting book on keeping calm that doesn't include meditation/meditation-like practices. I'm sure they work. However, as a full-time parent who works from home, free time is too sparse and precious for me to commit to such a practice. I'm sure I'm not the only one in this boat.
The writing was not engaging.
I realized I was forcing myself to read this solely to finish it and not because I was getting anything out of it. I can see how this would be helpful to some parents. For myself, I'm still searching for a parenting book on keeping calm that doesn't include meditation/meditation-like practices. I'm sure they work. However, as a full-time parent who works from home, free time is too sparse and precious for me to commit to such a practice. I'm sure I'm not the only one in this boat.
The writing was not engaging.
November 20, 2023
I was not impressed with this book. I've heard great things about it, but it wasn’t a good fit for me for several reasons. One, the writing felt jumpy, like we were constantly moving on before we finished what we were talking about. Two, the Compassionate Parenting Response was all about centering yourself and finding who you are deep inside. Emotional regulation is good, but this felt very new age-y.
There were a few good bits of wisdom in this book (I especially liked the chapter on being values-centered instead of child-centered), so it wasn't a total loss, but I wouldn't recommend it.
There were a few good bits of wisdom in this book (I especially liked the chapter on being values-centered instead of child-centered), so it wasn't a total loss, but I wouldn't recommend it.
April 10, 2023
I learned so much from this book! I appreciated the guided meditation/visualization exercises and the overall focus on regulating your emotions as an adult. It’s so hard to not get sucked into my toddler’s tantrums and lose my cool, but this book gave me more tools for regulating myself so that I can be a more reliable parent.
I think the book could have been shorter, but even though the repetition in certain sections was cumbersome to read I know that it’s intentional.
I think the book could have been shorter, but even though the repetition in certain sections was cumbersome to read I know that it’s intentional.
July 30, 2023
I’m torn on how to review this book. I have yet to practice the compassionate response practice for several weeks so I may still see improvements. While reading the book, I felt very optimistic and enjoyed learning about what worked for others. However, outside of reading this book I found much of it to be forgettable and wonder if it will have any lasting effect. Overall, I do think the recommendation to lead a simpler life is great advice, it is just very hard to do so.
May 19, 2024
I found this insightful, practical and worth reading. Its something I would refer back to, and the process he lays out for approaching your child is holistic and real. I have found myself considering his point that we are our whole selves, both out worst moments and our best, and finding it reassuring to be ok with the whole of me and the whole of my child. I really respect this man, his podcast and other book, "Simplicity Parenting" are excellent.
March 27, 2021
I found the book to have some helpful insights but ultimately I found it to be too dry maybe? Too repetitive? Admittedly, non-fiction is not my go-to genre so this review is skewed to reflect that. I think even reading half the book would provide helpful insight to any parents looking to be less reactive when dealing stressful situations involving their children.
April 13, 2021
I absolutely love "The Soul of Discipline" and "Simplicity Parenting." However, I did not find this book as helpful and inspiring as those two books. I appreciated the idea of looking at your parenting from a balcony and trying to see the bigger picture. I really admire the author's wise and gentle spirit.
November 20, 2021
Even having some prior exposure to Kim John Payne, this book was not what I was expecting. The vast majority of the book centers around meditation and grounding yourself to help ground the children in your life. I liked it, but I expect it will be very difficult for many people to implement without counseling.
November 4, 2022
Very complicated take on how you can manage yourself during tough parenting scenarios.
Some examples are not clear and not relatable as well.
Book can be simplified, made more meaningful too.
The way it ends is even worse and absolutely describes my summary to make the content so complex and meaningless
Borderline avoidable
Some examples are not clear and not relatable as well.
Book can be simplified, made more meaningful too.
The way it ends is even worse and absolutely describes my summary to make the content so complex and meaningless
Borderline avoidable
Displaying 1 - 30 of 74 reviews