Bow Down: Lessons from Dominatrixes on How to Get Everything You Want

by Lindsay Goldwert

One of Glamour’s Best Books of 2020 (So Far)

Popular podcast host and personal finance expert Lindsay Goldwert explores what professional dominatrixes can teach us about confidence, power, and happiness.

Imagine, for a moment, a world where the usual power dynamic is turned on its head. Where women not only stop apologizing, but seize—and enjoy—control. This is the quickly-mainstreaming world of BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism)—and it has a lot to teach women about empowerment, negotiation, open-mindedness, and more. Popular podcaster and personal finance expert Lindsay Goldwert has traveled across the United States to meet the stars of the subculture, who spoke frankly with her about their lives and work.

In Bow Down, these Alpha women show how you can reset the power dynamic in any situation to get what you want—whether it’s from a husband, boss, or partner. They share strategies for revolutionizing not only your sex life, but your career, your relationships, and most importantly, your inner foundations.

With bondage gear popping up on the big screen, the runway, the red carpet, and in celebrity lingerie lines, BDSM is officially moving out of the dungeon and into the sun. Let Bow Down help you learn how to use it—in the bedroom, the boardroom, and everywhere else.

Genres: Feminism, Nonfiction, Sexuality, Self Help, Audiobook, BDSM, Lifestyle

304 pages, Hardcover

Published January 14, 2020

Reviews

[Rachel Pollock · Rating 3 out of 5]

Full disclosure: I used to work at a fetish club in the 1990s/2000s which had a dungeon and a resident professional dominatrix. While I was not employed in the dungeon (i was a DJ), I witnessed the scenes played out there in the course of a normal work shift. As a DJ for that club scene, i occasionally was brought to spin a guest night at other fetish events around the country, including the Fetish Flea Market in Boston MA. I don't personally know any of the women interviewed for this book, but I know/knew their colleagues.

It felt like this book never really gelled into a cohesive narrative. The concept is interesting--use the archetype of the dominatrix as the framework for a self-help book on boosting one's confidence. It is written for a cis heterosexual vanilla female reader, possibly someone with a starry-eyed view of what it must be like to work as a dominatrix. The author interviewed women all over the country working as dommes (either in dungeons or on their own) as well as some peripheral industry professionals like the latex clothing couturiere, The Baroness.

Portions of the book feel like memoir--she attends DomCon (a convention for pro-dommes), she visits a dominatrix and engages her for a session of BDSM, she confesses various things about her own sex life and personal history. Other portions feel like a guide to embracing your own kinky fetishes--a lot of pep talks about the validity of your desires and even an actual check-box Cosmo-style quiz on "how kinky are you?"

The author herself gives the impression of being a kind of wide-eyed fangirl of dominatrices, of the ilk who used to hang out on the sidelines of the dungeon in the club i worked at. Which, not denigrating that, but she never delves into the darker side of professional domme work (not everyone is a well-adjusted powerful ice queen...but that doesn't fit the archetype this book needs in order to work conceptually), and she doesn't interview anyone who acts as a dominatrix not for money but just as part of their own lifestyle/relationship(s).

In general, this felt more like a series of shorter pieces for women's magazines that have been cobbled together into a book. The most interesting part about it is her profiles of the dommes and excerpts of the interviews--i wish she would write a follow-up book that further expanded on those and kept the focus tight on the women themselves.

I received an ARC of this book from #NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Nigel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been reading some neuroticism kind of books. Trying to read more female authors for march. but I'd seeing more similarities out of dominatrix and religious books to mens dating books. I thought it would be more polemic than it is.

both are saying the same things in a differential law in consent is...

both are edging a line that doesn't remember or forgets
that they are crossing parties for thoughts.. i guess its ambivalence to that each are segueing dissent for each others milleu is...

March has been an interesting month, im ready for April.

[Keisha Adams · Rating 3 out of 5]

Generic girl power self help book with shiny new latex skin. Don’t let people disrespect you, ask clearly for what you want, confidence girl!!! Makeup is your armour( don’t look at societal messaging to understand why you feel ugly and vulnerable without makeup). Very rosy view of sex work and bdsm. Completely ignores the high rates of drug abuse, past traumas, current danger many women find themselves in. Pretends all men who buy women are just looking for a caring women to help them work through their trauma. Very heteronormative and gender roles(just gives lip service to women wearing pants makes them feel sexy!1!1)

Also looks down on non kinky women as repressed, traumatized religious people- the mini quiz is particularly clear on that. Had a point in the book where it said orgasms can only happen when women are in the right mindset- many rape victims know this isn’t true.

Not terrible, and the domme angle makes it slightly more interesting than other self help for women, but nothing groundbreaking.

[Nicole · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was recommended on several money podcasts (the author is a money writer by trade) and was presented as a translational exercise in adapting communication and power lessons from dominatrixes to business/life. It’s completely mis-billed. It reads like “Women Can Enjoy Sex Too 101” and it’s full of insufferable phrases like “it isn’t easy being a queen in a world full of unworthy subjects.” *insert vomiting-emoji*

I was tempted to give this a two-star review when I was about 50% of the way through but it deteriorated thereafter. Ultimately it does not feel cohesive and reads like a primer on sex for women who have only experienced heterosexual, vanilla sex. Pass.

[Lily · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is tagged as "self help" and that is much more appropriate than thinking of this book as any kind of kink/BDSM 101.

As a feminist self-help and self-empowerment book, it's nice. It's upbeat, has a lot of great lessons, is interspersed with stories, and goes through an easy-to-follow progression of topics.

But a kink book it is not.

While this book obviously deals with themes of BDSM and domination, it is more of a personal empowerment rah-rah cheerleader moment than anything that can give concrete tools on how to better yourself as a Dominant or in a power exchange dynamic. This is definitely a kink book written for (and by) vanillas.

That's not to say that there are not some lovely themes in this book. The author discusses shame, values, and confidence. Things that will benefit every person, kinky or not, woman or not.

Three stars because it's a nice read, but I wouldn't necessarily suggest it over other books that deal with similar topics of communication, introspection, and empowerment.

[Kennedy Vaughan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book more so is a story of how women found their power, voice, and confidence when they were not shown it growing up.

A little about dominatrix and kink but again more of the author’s experience while talking to these women.

I thought it was educational and an easy beginners understanding in the world these women’s work. The book didn’t have much of a purposeful feel of flow throughout.

[Devon · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.8. Well researched with non judgmental insight and interesting takes on applying the philosophy to everyday life. I struggled a bit reading the 2019 brand of feminism that permeates this book (no shade, it was written in 2019 so a product of its time) but reading it in 2025 when the world feels so drastically different and women are now also questioning the need to “lean in” and claim power, but rather reclaiming rest after six years of exhaustion… I liked a lot about this but would be curious to see an updated version for 2025.

[Hannah Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

*family proceed with caution you read the title*

This book was good it just wasn’t what I realllyy wanted it to be. It did kind of feel like a magazine / newspaper article that was just extremely long. It was a little more sexually focused than I was hoping for, including a kind of cringey chapter long “kink quiz”. I’m someone who is already confident in where I’m at in my sex life, so I wanted more ‘how to be a boss bitch in life in general’ and while there’s definitely relations to femme power applied to real world situations, they are really more basic like feeling “ embracing your power in bed love and life” , putting yourself and what you want first, don’t be a people pleaser, etc...
For me, I really wanted more out of the interviews with the actual dominatrixes to get more of their personal experiences and advice, but instead it was just kind of scattered quotes and then her elaboration on the topic. This book was good for a base level reader or someone new to kink and extra spicy love life looking life looking for a ‘femme power’- esc self help book, someone “vanilla” as this author calls it, who is looking to start on their explorative journey. For more intermediate level who is already comfortable with kink/spice and talking about it with my partner I didn’t get a lot out of it.

[kitty c · Rating 1 out of 5]

as soon as she referred to zoophilia as a “kink”, i had to stop reading. disgusting.

[Kaitlyn Dolan · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who is interested in and does a lot of research on kink and interpersonal relationships, I can whole heartedly say you can get so much out of this book if your life is completely vanilla. And that’s great! Goldwert wrote this book in such a digestible manner, I think most people (I don’t necessarily think her writing toward women excludes this being a valuable read for anyone, however they identify) could get something from this piece. For me, it felt meditative, like I could use her words to break down what I already know but don’t usually have time or mental wherewithal to really sit with and examine.

[Stellanova · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read widely, they said, so here I go directly from Tolstoy and Dostoevsky to kink and bdsm... I keep surprising even myself. However it's always nice as a woman to tap into feminism and the lived experience of other women, and it feels just as real and relevant to my daily life as reading the classics does. This book contained surprisingly universal advice and was not at all explicit. It was a relief to read something sex positive and non-judgemental that focused on pleasure, empowerment and consent as an antidote to some of the women written by men.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hovering between 3-4 stars, upped to 4 because I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.

As far as self-help-y books go, I liked this one! It was warm and funny and had a more interesting angle than a lot of other I've read in recent years.

I think that a problem I've encountered while reading in this genre is the way that it just completely fails to account for queer experiences. It's not always a bad thing or that deep - this sounds like I'm joking, but I genuinely like reading self-help books that are geared towards straight women, especially when they discuss sex and relationships. They make me grateful for my own queerness & (hopefully???) push me towards greater empathy and understanding of attitudes and experiences wildly different from my own. But this does mean that a lot of the self-help advice is super inapplicable and/or entirely alien to me. Goldwert does better than most, in that she actually acknowledges queerness & trans/nonbinary identities, particularly in the dommes she interviews, but all of the advice-y portions are very much directed towards women, and almost always towards women who have sex with men. And while some aspects of self-help are universal (ish), they run the risk of being so basic that it hardly bears writing, and/or coming across as infantilizing. Luckily, this book balances itself pretty well, but there were swathes of it that just made me shake my head and move on. And I don't want to sound too harsh - I did enjoy this! I took notes! - it's just something I've noticed a lot recently.

Outside of the self-help stuff – it was interesting to read this after having read Melissa Febos' Whip Smart recently. The two books provide very different looks at the pro-domme lifestyle. I'd have liked this to go a little more in-depth, and maybe complicate the image of the empowered woman/domme it portrays (though I suppose that would complicate the whole self-help framework).

Ultimately - I had fun. There were lots of bits that I laughed at, some advice/takeaways I genuinely hope to employ, a pretty surface level exploration of BDSM. I'd say it's worth picking up if you want lightly humorous/clearly eager explanations about kink and advice about seeking personal empowerment, but if you're searching for more in-depth information about professional dominatrixes or BDSM practice, you might want to go straight to the source and check the works cited instead.

[Karin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lindsay Goldwert goes where many of us haven't gone before! After reading her lively, funny, thoughtful channeling of wisdom from BDSM workers across the nation, your life will be a little less vanilla. Gentle reader, prepare for armchair travel at its naughtiest and most illuminating. And get ready to have a hell of a lot of fun.

Lindsay Goldwert is a journalist and former editorial director of the personal finance app Stash. She also created the podcasts Teach Me How to Money, a top 100 Business Apple podcast, and SPENT, a podcast for the financially challenged that has been featured in The Atlantic, the A.V. Club, The Globe and Mail, and others. She has worked as a journalist for more than 15 years at Glamour, Redbook, CourtTV, ABCNews, CBSNews, and the New York Daily News. Her writing has appeared in Quartz, AdWeek, Refinery29, Fast Company, Slate, and others. She’s also a stand-up comic who performs all over New York City and has appeared on multiple panels as a speaker and moderator on women and finance, financial education, and more

[winter · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a genuinely helpful and encouraging book on learning from dominatrixes to carry yourself with confidence and power. It’s written by a reporter that interviewed dommes in hopes of learning how to become more self-assured in regular life. It also has a beginner-friendly intro to kink and what a dom’s life is like.

I want to give it 5 stars, but I was annoyed how cishet the book was. While it does mention queer people, for the most part it’s written for and seemingly about straight women.

As many of the dommes she interviewed were queer, it’s unfortunate she only acknowledged femdom with male subs, and the advice translated a lot to “here’s how you can use this with your boyfriend” angles.

This makes sense since she said she wrote this book for her own edification, but next time I hope it’s a little louder in its inclusivity, as kink is inherently really queer.

Overall, I still learned amazing skills on carrying myself with confidence and speaking assertively. I’d recommend this to lots of people, kinky or not.

[Puneri · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is probably the quickest read for me. It’s written in a very chatty and simple manner. Like girl friend to girl friend. Though the book is about dominatrixes, the real crux lies in the idea of how the writer found her inner strength to say “I want”. As women we are socialised to be submissive in every manner of our existence and mere existence of dominatrixes cut through the heart of that social belief. The writer goes through the process of self discovery as she meets these very cool dominatrixes. Their lifestyle, profession and mental strength makes her realize about her true self. Some may find this writing a little shallow and another self help book. But it’s actually well thought and researched book. I loved the quiz about “kink”. Turns out I may be more kinky than I thought I was. Owning sexuality and kink is a way to move in the world, as a person. It’s not just about sex. The writer makes this point very clear. I enjoyed the book.

[Amber · Rating 4 out of 5]

This wasn’t quite what I expected- originally, I had heard of this book via an interview with the author on the Her Money finance podcast. More than anything, this is a book about power dynamics, and the way they show up in the many facets of women’s lives in Western society. The author presents them through the lense of BDSM, with an idea of how some of those tenets can be applied to different areas of life. There are moments where kink is discussed, but they are brief, and presented for context in telling a story, not titillation. So despite the title, don’t expect some 50 Shades-esque drama. I never would have thought of interviewing pro dommes (as the author calls them) for a book about power in your personal life, but it does make sense as presented, and there’s plenty of food for thought.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard Lindsay Goldwert talk about her book on a freelancing panel last summer and immediately knew I needed to read it. Admittedly, it’s taken me some time to get around to, but man, am I glad I finally did.

Goldwert’s writing is so refreshingly conversational (which is not always the case in nonfiction books), and I loved that she sprinkled in her own personality and sense of humor throughout. Certain parts of this book spoke directly to my soul, especially the chapter “You May Have Two Names” and the Epilogue.

The takeaways aren’t always exceptionally groundbreaking, but man, is it interesting and empowering to peek into the lives of pro-dommes and hear their stories. What a special and unique book!

[Tom Galda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting approach and introduction to self-empowerment and power exchange play through interviews with Doms. (From outside,) It seems an excellent introductory coverage of the concepts, motivations and realities of their world. The structure is a little inconsistent, going from "Lessons for Life from Doms" to general empowerment and relationship advice, but the Lesson structure wasn't really necessary anyway. Its a balanced and pleasant journey that results in some very practical and unexpected opportunities for self-discovery. Insightful, sex-positive and thoughtful. Great next-steps reading list at the end as well.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fresh, engaging take on confidence and power, with some fun and empowering insights. The dominatrix angle makes it stand out, and the book offers useful reminders about boundaries and self-worth. That said, parts felt repetitive, and the self-assessment chapter leaned too hard on kink as the only path to empowerment. It also glosses over the harder realities of sex work and power dynamics, offering a more polished view than the subject deserves. Still, it’s an approachable, thought-provoking read that opens up important conversations—even if it doesn’t dig as deep as it could.

[Sylvie Barak · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you’re a total beginner/novice to link or BDSM this is a really good primer. If you already know a lot, it’s not exactly groundbreaking stuff, and I’d probably not recommend it, but it’s a quick, fun, easy read that might help you get your vanilla friends on board? Or your mum? I can’t hate on it.... it’s written for people outside of the scene and in that sense it’s a good book for normies. And who doesn’t need a good reminder of their self worth and their feminine power?

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Did it explore what it means to be a Dom, BDSM culture, kink, and consent- yes.

Did it "show you how you can reset the power dynamic in any situation to get what you want—whether it’s from a husband, a boss, or partner"- big fat no.

Super simple overstated advice like set boundaries, dress confidently, and say what you want.

[Ethel Erde · Rating 2 out of 5]

An okay read, I purchased this book when I was very young, and even then didn’t find much new or helpful information from it. It wasn’t too inspiring and I felt that the advice itself was a little too novice considering the dominating and experienced source in which the advice was coming from. I expected some more hard hitting concepts from dominatrixes

[Paigeforeman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Was an odd mix of memoir, self-help, and an intro to kink. Was hoping for more depth but I didn't get that. I did take away a couple of insights on fashion and communication that were interesting though.

[Alizée · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've never got any insight into the lifestyle before this book and it was really interesting to learn all of this about this work. I also think that there was some great powerful advice and stories that show how powerful women should feel

[Amo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pretty disappointing. If you've read any sort of feminist leaning books in the last decade, this is basically just a watered down repetition with the "edgy" angle of attaching BDSM.

[Stephasaurus Rex · Rating 3 out of 5]

Perfect for kinky housewives looking to spice things up, not great for professionals.

[Shawna Alpdemir · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the first third of the book the most interesting. Once Goldwert started to speak on clothing and sex I got a bit bored.

[Holly Guy · Rating 5 out of 5]

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS. Get yourself a copy of this NOW. I don't care if its not immediately your thing. There is something for everyone here. Y0u hear me? Read it. You deserve these life lessons.

[Adela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Story: 4/5
Helpfulness: 4/5
Readability: 4/5
Overall: 4/5

[Brayan Vilanova-Cuevas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good book on owning your power, society, and the world of dominatrixes.