O que dizer (ou não) para pessoas de luto

by Nancy Guthrie

Quando você vê alguém de luto, você fica sem jeito. É como se ela gritasse silenciosamente por ajuda, mas qualquer ajuda que você pode oferecer só possa fazer mais mal que vem. Então você fica paralisado. Nancy Guthrie já esteve nos dois lados: de luto e ajudando pessoas de luto. Ela já perdeu dois filhos recém-nascidos e possui um ministério especialmente dedicado a casais que enfrentam situações parecidas. Com base na Bíblia e refletindo em suas experiências tanto com o sofrimento do luto quanto com as palavras e ações certas para essa situação, Guthrie escreveu este livro para lhe ajudar a caminhar com os que sofrem. É um breve manual sobre como chorar com os que choram.
Porém, é mais que um manual. A autora coletou dezenas de testemunhos de pessoas de luto e sobre o que realmente lhes ajudou nesse período — e o que atrapalhou. Assim, este livro é uma excelente ferramenta para saber exatamente o que a pessoa de luto que você ama precisa ouvir e receber — e como você fará parte disso.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Counselling, Christian Living, Grief, Faith, Christianity

Audiobook

First published September 30, 2016

About the author

Nancy Guthrie teaches the Bible at her home church, Cornerstone Presbyterian Church in Franklin, Tennessee, as well as at conferences around the country and internationally, including through her Biblical Theology Workshops for Women. She is the author of numerous books and the host of the Help Me Teach the Bible podcast at The Gospel Coalition. She and her husband host Respite Retreats for couples who have faced the death of child and are co-hosts of the GriefShare video series.

Reviews

[Bob O'Bannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Please please please let me take back everything I ever said to someone who was suffering the pain of grief. Let me start again, now that I’ve read this book. That’s probably how you will feel after you also read this book, but it is a regret worth experiencing in order to be better equipped for the next opportunity you have to speak into somebody’s sorrow.

This book is loaded with practical suggestions for what to say and what not to say, and what to do and what not to do when someone is grieving. Sometimes the task seems impossible – on the one hand, the most important thing is that we say something, rather than nothing (p.20); and on the other hand, it is very possible that what we say will hurt rather than help (all of chapter 2). So yeah, you might say the wrong thing, but entering into a person’s sorrow is much more important than looking the other way.

Throughout the book are quotes from grieving people who have shared what was helpful and hurtful to them in their time of sorrow. To hear from those who are not just theologizing but actually working through the nuts and bolts of daily, ongoing grief (the author included), is very helpful.

Many of the suggestions here are actually quite self evident. Don’t give people advice and direction in their suffering — it just puts pressure on them that they can’t bear. Even biblical directions can make the grieving person feel spiritually inadequate in the moment. Sometimes we back away thinking that grieving people don’t want to talk about their deceased loved ones, when in fact the opposite is true. Just hearing their loved one’s name is music to the ears. And all of us have said it – “let me know if you need anything.” It comes from a sincere desire to help, but “what they really need is for you to figure out what they need and either ask if you can do it with them or for them, or just show up and take care of it.” (p.71).

Again, it’s not easy, but we can’t afford to remain aloof. Here is the opportunity to truly help someone in need. Here is an opportunity to do or say something simple that will be remembered forever. Here is an opportunity to truly love someone.

[Ashley Hoss · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I could send this to almost everyone I know. Nancy Guthrie is an absolute gem for writing this. I wish I had read it sooner. I felt so seen.

[Keri Higgins · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t think I can adequately express what this book meant to me. I’ve been very familiar with grief since I was 4 years old & my mom left & my parents divorced. Since then, my life has been marked by grief in lots of ways - when I was 5, my uncle was murdered & I attended my first open casket funeral. The following year, another loss - my aunt, leaving 2 precious baby girls.
I’ve lost 3 aunts, 2 uncles & 4 grandparents (one of which functioned like a mother for several years), most before I entered into my 20’s.
In 2013, a very dear mentor/motherly figure in my life died from cancer.
5 years ago, I had my first miscarriage, 3 years ago my best friend suffered the very sudden death of her father (whom I also loved), & most recently, my husband & I have been grieving the loss of another sweet baby.
I say all of this, not for sympathy, but to say, I’ve experienced grief to a personal degree that might make one assume that they already know enough to not feel the need to read more about “what really helps & what really hurts”. But, no!
I couldn’t put this book down. It has not only helped me to process & understand my own grief, feeling more “normal” for some of what I’ve felt & experienced... but also, & more importantly, makes me feel much more equipped to walk through grief with others.

If you or someone you know has experienced grief or loss in any way-this is a must read! If you are a Christian/member of a church, simply reading this book & equipping yourself could be one of the best gifts you could give a friend or fellow church member walking through grief. I’m thankful to God for Nancy Guthrie, for her insight, her love for Christ, & her writing this book!

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

First sentence: I have to tell you something up front: I think you're awesome. I assume you're reading this book or considering reading this book because you want to figure out how you can be a better friend to people around you who are going through the devastation of losing someone they love.

Premise/plot: What Grieving People Wish You Knew About What Really Helps is a nonfiction book written from a Christian perspective. The first chapter focuses on "What To Say and (What Not To Say). The second chapter focuses on "What To Do (and What Not To Do)." The three remaining chapters handle a variety of subjects: social media, if it's a good idea or a bad idea to talk theology to the grieving, frequently asked questions.

My thoughts: The book isn't just one person's idea of what works and what doesn't. (I hate the phrasing of that. The grieving are not a problem to be fixed, and talking to a grieving person isn't something to just check off your to-do list.) Guthrie has compiled dozens--if not hundreds--of statements from real people about the grieving process. You hear not just Guthrie's professional opinion, or even her personal opinion, you hear from people--just like you, just like me--who are sharing their stories, sharing their hearts. And all this for the cause of helping the average person better know how to respond to others.

Can a book truly teach you how to be compassionate and avoid horrible blunders? Maybe, maybe not. But I think it can help the anxious.

It matters less what you say than that you say something.

When you're grieving, you know who has acknowledged it in some way and who hasn't. You just do.

Your purpose in saying something is to enter into the hurt with them and let them know they are not alone.

[Lena · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent resource for the church and should be required reading for every believer who wants to love their grieving neighbor well. Maybe you feel awkward around grieving people or just aren’t sure how to help. Nonetheless, followers of Jesus have a responsibility to care for the hurting and be tangible representations of Christ in our broken world. This book is a great place to start (with God’s Word as the original source and foundation, of course).

Our family and community just experienced a sudden and tragic loss of a loved one, and this book has been so helpful to me as I seek to love those who are grieving around me (and to understand my own grief as well). I’m so thankful to Nancy Guthrie for developing such a helpful and insightful resource for the body of Christ. It’s theologically sound, Scripture-filled (specifically toward the end of the book when discussing heaven) and just plain practical.

I know I will reference this book again and again. Whether you currently have a grieving friend or not, I would absolutely recommend you read it now so you’re prepared to minister if (and inevitably when) a grieving person enters your life.

[Jackie DeWaters · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved all of the practical advice in here and I've used some of it already. This is one I'll revisit. Main takeaway, move toward those who are grieving (even if imperfectly) rather than away.

[Kristin Rogers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Your heart will likely ache on how many of these “don’t do or say” you’ve done or said before, but this book is incredibly insightful on how to walk with someone through grief. It’s filled with loads of quotes by those who’ve lost a loved one, including the author, on what was is helpful or hurtful when serving someone who’s grieving. I will hold this as a sort of instruction manual …. Really thankful for the lessons learned.

[Heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

A remarkable book, conveying compassion for the grieving and for those who desire to be caring. Her best takeaway for me: just show up. Don’t allow awkwardness or discomfort to keep you away from those who grieve. The book is filled with practical suggestions for ways to show you care, including admonitions to listen well, respond with sensitivity, refrain from making assumptions.

I won’t retain the many specific helpful ideas, but I will carry with me her exhortation to be ready to do more than just remain in the background with my kind thoughts and prayers!

[Erin Ching · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent practical advice on how to help grieving people with your words and actions, as well as what not to say (and better alternatives to the most common missteps).

[Anthony Joseph · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly helpful. This should probably be a mandatory read for basically all people.

[Josiah DeGraaf · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really helpful book on how to faithfully and lovingly walk alongside those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. My main takeaways? Don't be afraid of saying something. Never claim you know what they're going through. Look for practical things you can do for help. Talk about the life of the lost loved one. Don't avoid people because of potential awkwardness.

The one part of the book I wasn't sure I agreed with was the section on social media. Guthrie sees more value in social media than I do, and thus sees interacting with grieving people's posts as more meaningful and substantial than I necessarily would. I certainly can't claim any experience on the perspective of a griever in how meaningful they see this. But from the research I've done on how social media affects our various relationships, I worry about to what extent social media makes it easier for us to eschew calling or meeting someone as opposed to just hitting 'like', 'love', or 'sad', and commenting on someone's post. Guthrie certainly does a good job elsewhere in the book of emphasizing the need for talking with people outside of social media. But I think she could have done a better job warning about the dangers of social media in this regard.

That minor gripe aside (and it really is minor in the context of the overall book), this book was really good. As someone who often doesn't know how to help those who are grieving and wishes he did, this book was very personally helpful for me and should equip me better when someone I know goes through a time of loss. Recommended to anyone who wants to know how to better help those who are grieving.

Rating: 4.5 Stars (Excellent).

[Sarah Bowling · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't even know how to begin rating a book like this, so please forgive me if this is rather stream of conciousness. While I'm only giving it three stars, I do think everybody who wants to help or even just not hurt grieving people should read this book. I think it had a lot of good, practical advice for how to walk beside our grieving friends. I also found it confusing in parts, but I think that's because grief is confusing. What would be helpful to some would be hurtful to others. As much as I would very much like a formula for how to help perfectly every time, that's just not realistic. If I had to sum up the whole book in a few sentences they would be:

1.) Listen more than you talk.
2.) Show up for your grieving friends and acquaintances--disappearing because you don't know what to say hurts just as much as saying the wrong thing.
3.) No two people grieve alike, so you'll need God's help to guide you.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a helpful read for sure! Many practical ideas along with advice about what not to say to someone who is grieving. I love that this book I references scripture and also that the author shares her own story/experience with grief along with the stories of others. It was helpful to hear from the people who wrote to her with the ways that they were blessed by others when they were grieving.

[Claire Ruiz · Rating 5 out of 5]

(Rating this late bc it didn’t count towards my reading goal the first time😂) This was an incredible read & I would recommend this to anyone interested in learning about how to care for someone who’s grieving!

[Lizzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book because I wanted to know how to care well for grieving friends and people who I encounter in my life. This book was super helpful in giving me a better idea of what grieving people feel. Nancy Guthrie gave me tools to use when interacting with hurting people.

[Suzanne Mosley (Suzanne Shares) · Rating 5 out of 5]

5⭐️ Nancy Guthrie’s writings ministered to me immensely when we lost a child in the womb. She is no stranger to grief, having lost 2 of her 3 children after birth to a rare genetic disorder. She and her husband are involved in the GriefShare program and have walked with hundreds of persons through grief. Our church offered this book as a Book Club, and I was eager to read it because I want to be a person who enters into grief with others. We had many who ministered to us beautifully during our season, and I want to be that to others. We also were on the receiving end of some words…that were more painful than helpful. I want to avoid that, so I eagerly dove into this book.

This book was all I expected it to be and more! Guthrie vulnerably shares from her experiences and the experiences of others to offer practical wisdom and words to use (and to avoid). I actually had lunch yesterday with a friend whose father unexpectedly passed away a month earlier. This book helped me feel equipped as I walked into our lunch date. The flow of our conversation followed many of what I had just read in this book. In previous conversations, I have been nervous and probably said unhelpful things. This book is a fabulous manual and resource to equip you to just show up, to listen, to be present for your loved ones walking through grief. They need you as they walk through it. Don’t know what to do? Dive into this book!

🎶Notes: death, dying, grief, loss of loved one

[Shanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I spent much of the book grieving ways I have said or done or not done unhelpful things when someone I knew was broken-hearted. Oh my goodness! There are so many ways to unintentionally harm! But I loved and will regularly reference this book now for the hopeful, practical, tangible, clear advice on how to truly help in the future. Nancy Guthrie is such a wise voice here and I cannot recommend this book enough.

[Emily Carter · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very good book! It had practical advice on how to care for people around me who are grieving. Both what to say and what not to say, how to lovingly give them time to grieve without pushing advice on them, all the while pointing to our ultimate hope in Christ! I see ways I have failed in the past with my friends who have gone through hard times, but I loved how the author mentioned to give yourself grace and learn from this going forward.

[Meggie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a helpful book on how to interact with the grieving! It is definitely applicable in how to approach those dealing with other health or life challenges. Guthrie writes from experience and draw on the words of other everyday people too. Practical ideas for how to help the grieving and suffering are all over this book—so insightful!

[Michele Morin · Rating 5 out of 5]

If You REALLY Want to Help Those Who Grieve

We sat on the couch, side by side, but miles apart. She had just lost her son in a tragic accident. I had four living and healthy boys — and no words that could touch her loss. In the weeks and months that followed, I wrote notes, shared Scripture verses, listened to her sadness, and showed up at her door bearing food, but never feeling confident that any of it held meaning, and often feeling as if I was missing the whole point.

Nancy Guthrie writes to bring clarity and a measure of confidence to people like me: those of us who want to help and bring comfort to our grieving friends, but want to avoid saying all the wrong words and assuming things that are not true. Her “research” for What Grieving People Wish You Knew was gritty and uninvited, and began on the day when her infant daughter Hope was diagnosed with a rare and fatal metabolic disorder. Grief “barged through the door,” and Hope’s 199-day life was a day-by-day good bye that was all too short.

Certainly, this experience alone would qualify a well-known Bible teacher like Nancy to speak wisdom into the lives of those who grieve, but then, a year and a half after Hope’s death, Nancy discovered that she was, once again, pregnant with a baby who had the fatal syndrome and who also lived for about six months. Working through all this sadness sharpened Nancy’s awareness that often, when Christians try to help those who have suffered losses, we mainly reveal that we just don’t “get it.”

In response, she conducted an online survey in which she asked grieving people for examples of what others said or did for them that proved to be helpful and meaningful. She shares many of these suggestions in her book, and they were truly a highlight, including thoughts as simple (and as obvious) as using the name of the deceased in casual conversation or sharing pictures and memories with family members.

Under the best of circumstances I’m not a great conversationalist, so it was a relief to me to hear the news that “it matters less what you say than that you say something.” In fact, “even if you come up with the perfect thing to say (as if there is such a thing), it simply won’t fix the hurt or solve the problem of the people who are grieving.” This is absolutely critical, and with that taken care of, Nancy goes on to provide additional insights:

Grieving is as unique as the individuals who grieve. There is no one-size-fits-all comfort formula.
Listen more than you talk.
Don’t assume anything about their feelings, about the spiritual condition of the deceased, or that your own grief experience is comparable — or helpful to share.
Don’t feel the need to be a fixer.
Examine your heart for selfish motives in your caring or for a warped tendency to get your own need for significance met by ministering to your grieving friend.
Nancy quotes Dr. Kenneth Haugk who cautions us that if you hear yourself starting a sentence with the words “Well, I . . “; “When I . . .”; “I remember . . .”; or “My . . . ” — just don’t say it.

Other red flags that call for a re-thinking of our words include:

“Well, at least . . .”
“It was God’s will . . .”
“I know someone else who . . .”
“God took him/her so that . . .”

According to Nancy, one of the best statements you can make is “I don’t what what to say,” while one of the incorrect assumptions we make is that the grieving family is being ministered to by people who are “closer” to them, or, even worse, that they would rather just be left alone. Showing up makes a powerful statement of support.

Esteeming the grief of those we love will look like patience and will keep us from putting a deadline on someone else’s grieving process. It will keep us from looking away when they cry, and will give us courage to shed our own tears in their presence, because this demonstrates the fact that their loved one is worth grieving for. Our shared sadness is tangible evidence of our love.

Nancy and her husband David host respite retreats for couples who have faced the death of a child and are actively involved in GriefShare which offers a ministry of education and counseling for those who are walking through loss. She encourages grieving families to laugh and reminisce together and to seek community rather than trying to soldier their way through healing alone.

Over the long haul, friends who mark their calendar to remind them of anniversaries and birthdays, who provide practical help ranging from the casserole brigade to the repair of the broken back step, who offer to baby sit for children, or contribute money for the onslaught of expenses are truly demonstrating the love of Christ and are helping their grieving friends move toward healing and hope.

What Grieving People Wish You Knew is a resource of words and ideas, and it’s a gift to readers which will certainly result in greater courage and a more sensitive engagement of the Body of Christ with those who need to experience first hand the love and mercy of God.

//

This book was provided by Crossway in exchange for my review. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm giving this book 5 stars because I found it be a terrific resource for those who are walking alongside friends who are grieving. Speaking from her own experience of profound loss and grief, Nancy is able to wisely instruct those who want to be helpful. Her warnings of what not to do are shared with kindness and authority. The section that suprised me the most was the chapter about heaven. How easy it is to misconstrue Scripture in our attempts to comfort and be helpful! God doesn't need our "help" in that way--His words alone are sufficient. But we must know them in order to share them correctly. I highly recommend this book!

[Audrey Moreland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thankfully I haven’t yet had much experience with grief firsthand. Thankfully this book is the perfect eye opener for someone like me trying to understand grief and learn how to support my family and friends who are grief stricken. I appreciate the feedback that Nancy Guthrie has gathered from countless people and their experiences with many well meaning people who aren’t aware of their offenses. I finished reading with a new perspective and sensitivity to how I approach & do life with those around me who are grieving. Thank you Mrs. Guthrie.

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

More like 3.5. Lots of good suggestions, but the format just messes with me. I appreciate that Nancy wanted to share the testimonies of those she works with, but it ended up just feeling too fragmented for me. Still glad I read it.

[Victoria Keyser · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want to gently press this book into the hands of everyone I know.

[the_storied_life (Joyce Santiago) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful and practical.

[Anna-grace Juskalian · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is incredible. Helping people navigate grief is hard and confusing. I felt very seen and understood by this book. Nancy is very clear and direct on ways that help and ways that hurt. I 100% guarantee this book will make you a better spouse, friend, etc.

[Mary Hodson · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very practical and insightful book on how best to draw alongside those in grief. Would really recommend it to all

[Dena McGoldrick Butler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nancy Guthrie is a go-to author for a biblical view on grieving. Not only have I read everything she's written on it, I have heard her speak multiple times and personally met her on one occasion. When she was preparing to write this book, I had the opportunity to submit answers to a questionnaire and a couple of my answers are quoted throughout. This is a handy and easy to read guide for anyone who wants to be a help to a hurting friend.

[Amy Kannel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't really improve on Paul Tripp's endorsement: "This book is tender, compassionate, clear, honest, gospel rich, and practical."

The introduction begins with encouragement to press in and a humble, helpful confession from Nancy: "To be honest, I didn't think much about grief or grieving people for most of my life. I didn't have to. Or what is, perhaps, more deeply true, is that I didn't choose to. I suppose I operated with a convenient naivete about the deep sorrow and social awkwardness people experience when someone they love dies."

She goes on to offers hard-won wisdom from personal experience--but the added value of this book is that it is not based only on one person's experience. The book is filled with quotes and stories from a huge survey that the author conducted, so that a wide variety of grieving people are sharing their testimonies of what has helped and hurt them. It's straightforward and direct without taking the reader on a guilt trip, and it's loaded with concrete, specific suggestions on how to love well.

Such wise and winsome advice on how to come alongside the hurting. Highly recommended.

[Heather Senger · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was excellent. Found it very helpful and insightful on what to say and what to avoid saying to someone who is grieving. As someone who has gone through miscarriage it confirmed so much of the things I went through...and has been a helpful reminder to be mindful of EVERYthing we say to someone in their grief.