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Help! I'm in Love with a Narcissist
Written with the compassionate language that people have come to rely upon and expect from these proven relationship experts, this book goes beyond an explanation of the condition to help men and women avoid the self-destructive permanence of remaining with people incapable of loving anyone but themselves.
270 pages, Hardcover
First published March 25, 2005
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201 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
August 17, 2011
Okay, the name sounds dumbed-down, but the book is actually very helpful and informative.
A passage that caught my attention implied that if a narcissist can find a “sense of self” the traits associated with narcissism can resolve themselves, or at least become manageable.
Here’s that passage:
“Narcissists are, by definition, injured and wounded. Somewhere, most often in childhood, they lost sight of who they really are. Usually, through no fault of their own, they failed to develop an authentic sense of self. Instead, what they project is a false sense. That’s one of the reasons why people with narcissistic issues can be so very concerned with image and how they appear to the world. But, of course, when you see a narcissist in the world, he or she doesn’t appear to lack an internal sense of self. What you see is someone whose life seems to be organized around self: self-absorbed, self-obsessed, self-admiring, self-involved, self-serving, self-promoting, self-ish. Every unpleasant self word in the vocabulary. This is very confusing. The real picture is this: the narcissist is someone who is consumed by a struggle to maintain an intact façade because of a terrible absence or a core feeling of emptiness. It is a fundamental lack of self that drives the machine we call narcissism.
“Narcissism develops as a child struggles to find workable ways to relate to the outside world. In an ideal familial situation, the child’s caretakers would be, first and foremost, sensitive to the child’s needs and feelings. These ideal caregivers would be aware and supportive of the child’s individual and unique abilities and talents. The child would then be able to develop a strong and reliable sense of self. This self would be applauded and supported by generous and unconditional parental love.
“Destructive narcissism happens because something goes very wrong during this developmental process. Psychologists tell us that within certain families there is problematic parenting; because of this, the little child who is trying to get a sense of who he/she is in relation to the world is placed under an additional strain. What happens within a narcissistic family structure is that the needs of the child are pushed aside in favor of the needs of one or more of the caretakers. Instead of receiving unconditional love, the child quickly learns that much is expected of him. She is expected to squelch her own sense of self; she is expected to mold herself around parental wishes and expectations.
“A child who is born into this kind of environment must learn survival skills that accommodate the narcissistic parent. This skill almost inevitably requires that the child sacrifices the development of his/her own unique and fundamental sense of self. The child of a narcissistic parent learns at an early age to shape herself to accommodate external demands. This is a child who has lost the connection to his internal voice. It has been paved over. Abandoned. It is in this process that narcissism develops. At the core of the narcissism problem is a comprehensive abandonment of self at the very earliest age. Person, personality, personhood – all are shaped in reaction to the outside world. Authenticity is lost. What typically happens then is that as the child develops, he manages to build a system of defenses and coping mechanisms that conceal this core issue of self. These defenses and coping mechanisms provide the behavior we identify as narcissism; this is the behavior that conceals the core issue of self. In short, narcissists are created by problematic parenting.”
~ ~ ~
“The Characteristics of a Narcissist:
1. An exaggerated or grandiose sense of self-importance that isn’t supported by reality.
2. A preoccupation with fantasies of extraordinary success, wealth, power, beauty, and love.
3. A belief that he/she is special and unique and can only be understood by other special people.
4. An intense need for admiration.
5. A sense of entitlement.
6. A tendency to exploit others without guilt or remorse.
7. An absence of meaningful empathy.
8. A tendency to be envious or to assume that he/she is the object of others’ envy.
9. An arrogant attitude.”
A passage that caught my attention implied that if a narcissist can find a “sense of self” the traits associated with narcissism can resolve themselves, or at least become manageable.
Here’s that passage:
“Narcissists are, by definition, injured and wounded. Somewhere, most often in childhood, they lost sight of who they really are. Usually, through no fault of their own, they failed to develop an authentic sense of self. Instead, what they project is a false sense. That’s one of the reasons why people with narcissistic issues can be so very concerned with image and how they appear to the world. But, of course, when you see a narcissist in the world, he or she doesn’t appear to lack an internal sense of self. What you see is someone whose life seems to be organized around self: self-absorbed, self-obsessed, self-admiring, self-involved, self-serving, self-promoting, self-ish. Every unpleasant self word in the vocabulary. This is very confusing. The real picture is this: the narcissist is someone who is consumed by a struggle to maintain an intact façade because of a terrible absence or a core feeling of emptiness. It is a fundamental lack of self that drives the machine we call narcissism.
“Narcissism develops as a child struggles to find workable ways to relate to the outside world. In an ideal familial situation, the child’s caretakers would be, first and foremost, sensitive to the child’s needs and feelings. These ideal caregivers would be aware and supportive of the child’s individual and unique abilities and talents. The child would then be able to develop a strong and reliable sense of self. This self would be applauded and supported by generous and unconditional parental love.
“Destructive narcissism happens because something goes very wrong during this developmental process. Psychologists tell us that within certain families there is problematic parenting; because of this, the little child who is trying to get a sense of who he/she is in relation to the world is placed under an additional strain. What happens within a narcissistic family structure is that the needs of the child are pushed aside in favor of the needs of one or more of the caretakers. Instead of receiving unconditional love, the child quickly learns that much is expected of him. She is expected to squelch her own sense of self; she is expected to mold herself around parental wishes and expectations.
“A child who is born into this kind of environment must learn survival skills that accommodate the narcissistic parent. This skill almost inevitably requires that the child sacrifices the development of his/her own unique and fundamental sense of self. The child of a narcissistic parent learns at an early age to shape herself to accommodate external demands. This is a child who has lost the connection to his internal voice. It has been paved over. Abandoned. It is in this process that narcissism develops. At the core of the narcissism problem is a comprehensive abandonment of self at the very earliest age. Person, personality, personhood – all are shaped in reaction to the outside world. Authenticity is lost. What typically happens then is that as the child develops, he manages to build a system of defenses and coping mechanisms that conceal this core issue of self. These defenses and coping mechanisms provide the behavior we identify as narcissism; this is the behavior that conceals the core issue of self. In short, narcissists are created by problematic parenting.”
~ ~ ~
“The Characteristics of a Narcissist:
1. An exaggerated or grandiose sense of self-importance that isn’t supported by reality.
2. A preoccupation with fantasies of extraordinary success, wealth, power, beauty, and love.
3. A belief that he/she is special and unique and can only be understood by other special people.
4. An intense need for admiration.
5. A sense of entitlement.
6. A tendency to exploit others without guilt or remorse.
7. An absence of meaningful empathy.
8. A tendency to be envious or to assume that he/she is the object of others’ envy.
9. An arrogant attitude.”
Read
July 7, 2016I didn't finish it. I realised that being with a narcissist wasn't worth it and no book was going to be able to help me deal with the abuse and mistreatment.
March 28, 2022
+1 point for admitting their not mental health experts. -3 points for writing an entire book crossing the line into treating a sensitive topic as if they've worked in the field for 20 years. Read for research purposes and was distracted by their tact. Useful stuff in here for people interested in the topic (especially for personal reasons).
February 9, 2014
I started reading this book with the hope that I would better understand the situation that someone I love is in, and with the goal that I might be able to support her in more productive and healthy ways. Having finished the book, I feel that I really do better understand her situation (as well as I can from the outside) and that I am better equipped to offer productive and healthy support.
As I was reading the book and the stories of those relationships the book uses as anecdotes, I pictured my friend and her boyfriend over and over in the stories that she has told me and the effects I have seen played out in her life. If there had ever been a doubt that her relationship involved a toxic narcissist, that doubt had been removed by the time I was a third of the way through the book. While not every story was a reflection of her reality, the vast majority were situations I am familiar with.
The authors do a great job of giving examples of toxic narcissism and how it manifests in relationships, they show the red flags and warning signs in clear images that the reader cannot help but consider in their own life. A respectable amount of time is dedicated to the difference between narcissistic tendencies and legitimate toxic narcissism, caution is urged that you carefully weigh the behavior of a person against specific criteria before labeling them such a weighted predator, at the same time the reader is cautioned not to excuse behavior that is harmful and damaging.
Above all, the authors strongly suggest the victim of a narcissist seek professional help through therapy and surround themselves with a loving support network that understands the dangers of the toxic narcissist.
The book doesn’t really teach the reader anything about narcissists that cannot be found in dozens of other places online or in similar books, I would venture to guess that anyone looking into this book has a fairly solid and accurate understanding of what a narcissist is, so there is nothing really new to be gained in that area. Where this book really succeeds is in the direction of the reader feeling not alone, validated and unashamed for things that have happened, attacks made at them by their victimizer.
As neither the toxic narcissist nor the other partner in the relationship, I was reading the book from a unique perspective that allowed me to consider my own behaviors and their connection to my own narcissism. I will admit, there were moments where I really felt I needed to think long and hard about the things I have done and behaviors that I exhibit. The book encourages the reader to reflect and spend some time in introspection, at the same time it reminds the reader that a true narcissist has no capacity for empathy, very limited capacity for truly loving another being and systematic patterns of behavior. So, while I may exhibit narcissistic tendencies (as we all do in varying degrees) there is a difference between my selfish habits and toxic narcissism.
For anyone that has the clarity of self and their possible toxic relationship, I highly recommend this book. It may not give you the answers that you want, but it will help you recognize the tools within yourself to be a healthier and stronger person than you seem to be right now. For those on the outside looking in, if you want to better understand both sides of a narcissistic relationships, the possible why’s and how’s, this book will allow you to truly empathize with both parties, even if the narcissist cannot do the same.
As I was reading the book and the stories of those relationships the book uses as anecdotes, I pictured my friend and her boyfriend over and over in the stories that she has told me and the effects I have seen played out in her life. If there had ever been a doubt that her relationship involved a toxic narcissist, that doubt had been removed by the time I was a third of the way through the book. While not every story was a reflection of her reality, the vast majority were situations I am familiar with.
The authors do a great job of giving examples of toxic narcissism and how it manifests in relationships, they show the red flags and warning signs in clear images that the reader cannot help but consider in their own life. A respectable amount of time is dedicated to the difference between narcissistic tendencies and legitimate toxic narcissism, caution is urged that you carefully weigh the behavior of a person against specific criteria before labeling them such a weighted predator, at the same time the reader is cautioned not to excuse behavior that is harmful and damaging.
Above all, the authors strongly suggest the victim of a narcissist seek professional help through therapy and surround themselves with a loving support network that understands the dangers of the toxic narcissist.
The book doesn’t really teach the reader anything about narcissists that cannot be found in dozens of other places online or in similar books, I would venture to guess that anyone looking into this book has a fairly solid and accurate understanding of what a narcissist is, so there is nothing really new to be gained in that area. Where this book really succeeds is in the direction of the reader feeling not alone, validated and unashamed for things that have happened, attacks made at them by their victimizer.
As neither the toxic narcissist nor the other partner in the relationship, I was reading the book from a unique perspective that allowed me to consider my own behaviors and their connection to my own narcissism. I will admit, there were moments where I really felt I needed to think long and hard about the things I have done and behaviors that I exhibit. The book encourages the reader to reflect and spend some time in introspection, at the same time it reminds the reader that a true narcissist has no capacity for empathy, very limited capacity for truly loving another being and systematic patterns of behavior. So, while I may exhibit narcissistic tendencies (as we all do in varying degrees) there is a difference between my selfish habits and toxic narcissism.
For anyone that has the clarity of self and their possible toxic relationship, I highly recommend this book. It may not give you the answers that you want, but it will help you recognize the tools within yourself to be a healthier and stronger person than you seem to be right now. For those on the outside looking in, if you want to better understand both sides of a narcissistic relationships, the possible why’s and how’s, this book will allow you to truly empathize with both parties, even if the narcissist cannot do the same.
January 13, 2013
Can't understand what happened in your relationship? Does it seem like your partner is Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde? Do you blame yourself for a breakup or just can't seem to make your relationship work no matter how much you try to accommodate your partner? This book may be for you. Although relationships break up or struggle for many reasons, people who have been or are unknowingly in a relationship with a narcissist are often very confused and burdened by questions long after the relationship has ended. Reading a book like this can produce that magic 'ah-hah' that releases someone to properly move on.
September 18, 2019
Quite helpful
I am in a lot of pain right now in this book is helped me realize that the man that I love is a narcissist. I have made up my mind that I must leave him and find myself and love me. I have given him all that I have and there’s nothing left in me for him. I am very happy to have read this book today.
I am in a lot of pain right now in this book is helped me realize that the man that I love is a narcissist. I have made up my mind that I must leave him and find myself and love me. I have given him all that I have and there’s nothing left in me for him. I am very happy to have read this book today.
October 9, 2018
When I checked this book out from the library, it was for me to help understand my mom--why she married my dad. When I put the book carefully on top of a balanced pile, I frowned and realized I'd read it before, and something about it had made me not finish it. I leafed through ten pages and set it aside, trying to remember. After I was midway through an entirely different book, I remembered. Years ago, I'd checked out a dozen books on narcissism all at once. As happens, I attempted to read them all in one weekend and got fed up with such task. This is one book that I didn't finish, on that first attempt. Now, I came back to it.
This is a really good example of Clinical Narcissism 101 and is coated in people's stories of dating, working for, or marrying clinical narcissists. I saw my dad in here, yes. He is a clin narc. I am so glad for what the authors chose to do--they helped me see me. Child of a clin narc, more specifically the scapegoat of a clin narc. I was--in this book. I set it down feeling a lot more solid about myself. The authors, after eighty percent of the book being stories because this is a complex topic, jammed the last twenty percent of the book with clear advice and good Clin Narc 101 paths for going forward. I'm so glad I read the book cover to cover.
This is a really good example of Clinical Narcissism 101 and is coated in people's stories of dating, working for, or marrying clinical narcissists. I saw my dad in here, yes. He is a clin narc. I am so glad for what the authors chose to do--they helped me see me. Child of a clin narc, more specifically the scapegoat of a clin narc. I was--in this book. I set it down feeling a lot more solid about myself. The authors, after eighty percent of the book being stories because this is a complex topic, jammed the last twenty percent of the book with clear advice and good Clin Narc 101 paths for going forward. I'm so glad I read the book cover to cover.
November 1, 2024
Excellent book that teaches you about narcissism and your relationship to it. I found this book to be very insightful and non judgmental. It has opened my eyes to my own situation and how I got sucked into it. I think anyone dealing with a person that makes you feel like it you're in an alternate reality should read this book. I will probably read it a second and third time. I learned so much!
August 31, 2020
Despite the title, this book has a lot of helpful info about other kinds of narcissists besides romantic partnerships.
It also discusses friends, parents, co-workers, etc.
It also discusses friends, parents, co-workers, etc.
February 14, 2022
Was a very good book! I listened to it on audible. Needed to hear it
May 13, 2013
This book was amazingly helpful. I feel like I might not have been ready to accept what it was saying if I hadn't read a few other books first (Keeping the Love You Find and Feeling Good), but it still would have given me a lot to think about.
The authors make a compelling case for letting go of trying to figure out *why* certain people treat you horribly (and making excuses that it must be because they are hurting in some way) and accept that if they treat you horribly you should just get out. If you can realize the person is a toxic narcissist and isn't going to change or feel bad for what he does no matter how you explain it to him, you can shift the focus to yourself and making *yourself* happy.
The parts on identifying narcissistic behavior were really good. I wish there was a little more focus on how to get yourself out of a situation with a narcissist once you realize you are in one - usually there are dependency issues and it's not so easy to stand up for yourself even if you know you are being hurt.
Definitely recommended.
The authors make a compelling case for letting go of trying to figure out *why* certain people treat you horribly (and making excuses that it must be because they are hurting in some way) and accept that if they treat you horribly you should just get out. If you can realize the person is a toxic narcissist and isn't going to change or feel bad for what he does no matter how you explain it to him, you can shift the focus to yourself and making *yourself* happy.
The parts on identifying narcissistic behavior were really good. I wish there was a little more focus on how to get yourself out of a situation with a narcissist once you realize you are in one - usually there are dependency issues and it's not so easy to stand up for yourself even if you know you are being hurt.
Definitely recommended.
April 13, 2012
Absolutely indispensable. Some of the descriptions of narcissistic behaviour are uncanny. However, you'll need to become very, very familiar with the patterns and traits - especially the relationship testing - if you're going to protect yourself to any degree. Forget just once and you'll be hurt very quickly - but try to learn from this book and remember the truth behind the behaviour. Thank you to both authors.
July 11, 2012
Described my ex husband to a t! I couldn't put my finger on all his mixed signals but this book wrapped my head around the fact that he was wrapped up in himself and his own world and I could either be myself or change into who he expected me to be. Helped me move forward out of a very destructive and emotionally abusive relationship! Best book for those who do not understand what it truly means to be in love with a narcissist.
August 3, 2014
Steve Carter and Julia Sokol know exactly what they are talking about in terms of toxic relationships and I only wish I had found this book BEFORE I endured almost three years of pain and heartache with a narcissist. I have only recently come across this book but speaking from the voice of experience I can say that anyone who wants to understand the narcissist and the dynamics within a narcissistic relationship should read this book.
August 6, 2016
If you've ever been in this situation, it's a really helpful book to understand what you're dealing with. The authors kept it concise and simple, explaining different scenarios of how to understand this personality's characteristics.
A little more attention could've been paid to what the non-narcissistic partner can do to recover from such a traumatic relationship.
A little more attention could've been paid to what the non-narcissistic partner can do to recover from such a traumatic relationship.
December 17, 2009
This book helped me survive a difficult break up and realize what exactly I had been up against. Eye opener.
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August 21, 2012explains alot.
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