To Understand Each Other

by Paul Tournier, Michel Tournier

"When we talk of marriage counseling we think immediately of the extreme cases, of threats to seek divorce, of couples in violent disputes who frequently come to blows," Paul Tournier states. But there are many other couples whose marriages are no less a failure. "They live side by side, without hurting one another, but poles apart, because of no real understanding of one another." According to Tournier, the ability to understand each other is what counts in working out marital happiness together. With wisdom and warmth, Tournier suggests ways to achieve this understanding.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Marriage, Christian, Personal Development, Counselling

64 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1070

About the author

Paul Tournier was a Swiss physician and author who had acquired a worldwide audience for his work in pastoral counselling. His ideas had a significant impact on the spiritual and psychosocial aspects of routine patient care, and he had been called the twentieth century's most famous Christian physician.

Reviews

[Zach · Rating 3 out of 5]

"In order to console, there is no need to say very much. It is enough to listen, to understand, to love." (23)
"In every man, even the most eminent and the apparently strongest, there remains something of the child who needs to be consoled." (23)
"In order really to understand, we need to listen, not to reply." (25)
"He who loves understands, and he who understands loves. One who feels understood feels loved, and one who feels loved feels sure of being understood." (28)
"In order to understand each other, man and wife must take interest in what interests the other, and come to understand why it interests the other." (42)
"The essential part of psychotherapy is listening, long and passionate listening, with love and respect and with a real effort at understanding." (50)
"God is passionately interested in each human being. To receive God is also, therefore, to receive his intense interest for those with whom we live." (54)
"It is impossible to open one's heart to God without also opening it to one's fellow." (55)
"We need a breath of fresh air, the breath of God's Spirit. No other force in the world can touch a man more deeply in his heart and make him more apt, at last, at understanding others." (56)
"'Lord! Grant that I may seek more to understand than to be understood . . .'" (58)

[Diane Elliott · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you can ignore the dated gender role stereotypes in this 60 year old book, there are a lot of good spiritual truths for marriage and relationships in this short read. Unfortunately, it takes a lot to overlook the dated aspects, but if you can do it, there are definitely some gems to be gathered!

[Georgia Herod · Rating 5 out of 5]

How many times have I skimmed this book in the almost fifty years I've had it? A wedding gift, a gentle encouragement to pursue understanding in the marriage relationship.

And rereading it recently made me smile--many of the issues still apply.

Like other readers I had to pause at the "oldness" of suggestions and anecdotes, but smiles followed the aptness of the commentary.

Perhaps other readers will be prodded to discuss ideas with their spouses.

[Jerry Baum · Rating 5 out of 5]

Don’t miss this book!

It’s short, but Tournier has great eloquence in his writing. He communicates well about how to communicate. He portrays, I think, a faithful and biblical view of the difference between man and woman and marriage. I give it five stars almost just to drown out the people who have given it much lower because of it being “dated.” I say pish-posh to them, this book has great stuff!

[Joe · Rating 3 out of 5]

A 70 page quick read about why you should take your wife to the theatre every Friday and she should let her husband read the paper after a long day at work...

Appreciate that it was written for a different time but I really didn't feel there was much I could takeaway and use in the way of practical advice.

[Ashleigh Hebert · Rating 5 out of 5]

Paul Tournier always emphasizes the importance of private prayer and meditation, and here he shows how crucial it is for closeness in marriage. I gave this book to my friend Hannah Griffith, and wish I could find more copies to give to my other married friends.

[Deax · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book may be somewhat dated in its approach, however the wisdom outlined is ageless.

[Annabel Mungan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book helped me understand my parents' relationship and also think more about how to communicate effectively and deeply with others.

[Sa Schmidt · Rating 1 out of 5]

A nice sentiment in here on how to treat each other, but it is definitely out of date for role plays between man and wife. A read between the lines here is a definite must and take away what fits. Nice to read, but women were degraded here in their capabilities in thought processes of what they can and can't do cerebrally. Got tired of that and was actually offended, however, I recognize the difference a half century can make.

[Kim Sutphen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yes, it was written in a different time, when marital roles were very clearly defined. But the truth of seeking first to understand rather than being understood rings loud and clear. Such a sweet reminder of how marriage can be a safe place to be completely transparent and vulnerable. Oh, that it would be so for many more.

[Sandi Mascio · Rating 2 out of 5]

The overall message of needing to truly listen to understand is fine, but most of the anecdotal examples are extremely dated and not applicable within current culture and society. (Read upon MB's recommendation.)

[Kristjan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A little outdated in some respects, but still very solid analysis. The only quibble I have is that it analyzes the problems and prescribes the remedy, but is very thin on how to get there.

[Martha Highfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every to-be-married couple, every married couple, and anyone who wants to improve dialogue and understanding should read this book

[Katie Blackwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good stuff, quick read

Isbn 0-8042-2235-5

[Sandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read with Kevin. Opened up conversation but also we disagreed with the author on some areas.. really short and easy read!

[Justice · Rating 5 out of 5]

I see some negative comments in this section about Gender roles and a few other things. This book is a very short book it has what 65 pages in total. This is Ying-Yang ideology hence the literal photos on the book. It is also very biblical perspective. This is about relationships (godly relationships and traditional roles.) God has pre-designed how the world should be and how Men and Women have roles in the world. This book accurately displays what relationships like this should look like and how Men and Women should treat each other.

[Portia H. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to remind myself of the age of this book (copyright 1967) both to endure the blatant gender stereotypes of what WAS considered typical male and female roles back in the day, but also because the advice given by author Paul Tournier is indeed timeless!

This is a perfect book for you if you struggle with communication issues in ANY of your relationships but especially in marriage.

Tournier as I see it, identifies four absolutes necessary in rendering constructive communication that lends to being understood:
1. Having and maintaining an open willingness to learn about the other
2. Establishing a safe environment to open up and share (mentally in your own thoughts and verbally how one reacts to what is being shared)
3. Sharing frankness of honest feelings and thoughts
4. Listening attentively (without interruption) especially when topics are sensitive or may trigger hurts resulting in defensiveness

He further purports that women are more inclined to desire being supported while men need to feel accepted in order for either to understood eachother these fundamentals need to first be addressed.

My favorite quotes from the book are:
"There is no greater sin than that of flattering oneself on one's moral virtues, or of believing oneself to be exempt of the faults which one condemns in others."

"Every person who sincerely draws close to his neighbor becomes an instrument of divine love."

Essentially, the book reminds us that when we feel understood, we feel listened to and in turn - fully loved.
.

[Mark Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

This small book about relationships although from waaaay back in the 1960's contains some advice that is useful to all people still.

I particularly appreciated his noting "Those who make a success of their marriage are those who tackle their problems together and who overcome them...it is the very differences in our characters, tastes, habits, prejudices, and convictions which oblige us to a greater effort to understand each other. These in turn lead to further growth in both of us."

And his picture of marriage as "an adventure" where "there is complete exchange. Each gives to the other the most precious dimension of his personality, and each gives the other that which was most missing" was encouraging.

Lest we think it all our own work Tournier points out the importance of our faith when he observes "A bringing together of faith and marital life is needed, so that faith may bring its incomparable transforming power and its understanding, and so that marital life may attain its fullness."

What a great goal...

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

If this had been written today, the editors would have ruined it with all kinds of fluff, but instead, it is a concise yet penetrating combination of spirituality and psychology. It is both challenging and inspiring. Some of his examples are perhaps a bit dated, but overall, I highly recommend this book.

[Janelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Simple, short book that reminded me to intentionally work on understanding others and seeing life from their point of view. Mainly written for the context of a marriage relationship, but I found that the book had some concepts that were great to apply in any relationship.

[papasteve · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good book on one major theme in major and most relationships: understanding. How do we understand another human being? Tournier's thin book hits all the high points. I will be using this in a couple's class about marriage. I'm anxious to see how it goes.

[Keri]

found this book yesterday on my parents bookshelf. Apparently my grandma and grandpa gave it to my dad, I assume when my mom and dad were newlyweds.

[خدمة المشورة · Rating 5 out of 5]

مدهش تورنييه هذا.
متاح في مكتبتنا بالعربي للاستعارة والاطلاع
http://www.arabic-christian-counselin...

[Željko Filipin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Surprisingly interesting book about marriage.