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One Big Happy Family: 18 Writers Talk About Polyamory, Open Adoption, Mixed Marriage, Househusbandry, Single Motherhood, and Other Realities of Truly Modern Love
An illuminating, entertaining, and provocative immersion in today’s American family, with essays from ZZ Packer, Dan Savage, Min Jin Lee, asha bandele, Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, and others, illustrating the changing realities of domestic life.
Edited by bestselling author Rebecca Walker, this anthology invites us to step into the center of a range of different domestic arrangements and take a good look around. From gay adoption to absentee fathers, from open marriages to green-card marriages, the reality of the American household has altered dramatically over the last three decades. With changing values and expectations, fluid gender roles, and a shifting economy, along with increase in infertility, adoption, and the incidence of mixed-race couples, people across the country are redefining the standard arrangement of family life. In a collection of eighteen honest, personal, and deeply affecting essays from an array of writers, One Big Happy Family offers a fresh look at how contemporary families are adapting to this altering reality.
Each writing from the perspective of his or her own unique domestic arrangements and priorities, the authors of these essays explore topics like transracial adoption, bicultural marriage and children, cohousing, equal parenting, and the creation of virtual families. Dan Savage writes about the unexpected responsibilities of open adoption. Jenny Block tells of the pros and cons of her own open marriage. ZZ Packer explores the ramifications of, and her own self-consciousness about, having a mixed-race child. asha bandele writes of her decision to have a child with a man in prison for life. And Min Jin Lee points to the intimacy shared by a mother and her child’s hired caregiver.
All of these pieces smartly discuss the various cultural pressures, issues, and realities for families today, in a manner that is inviting and accessible—sometimes humorous, sometimes moving, sometimes shocking, but always fascinating.
Edited by bestselling author Rebecca Walker, this anthology invites us to step into the center of a range of different domestic arrangements and take a good look around. From gay adoption to absentee fathers, from open marriages to green-card marriages, the reality of the American household has altered dramatically over the last three decades. With changing values and expectations, fluid gender roles, and a shifting economy, along with increase in infertility, adoption, and the incidence of mixed-race couples, people across the country are redefining the standard arrangement of family life. In a collection of eighteen honest, personal, and deeply affecting essays from an array of writers, One Big Happy Family offers a fresh look at how contemporary families are adapting to this altering reality.
Each writing from the perspective of his or her own unique domestic arrangements and priorities, the authors of these essays explore topics like transracial adoption, bicultural marriage and children, cohousing, equal parenting, and the creation of virtual families. Dan Savage writes about the unexpected responsibilities of open adoption. Jenny Block tells of the pros and cons of her own open marriage. ZZ Packer explores the ramifications of, and her own self-consciousness about, having a mixed-race child. asha bandele writes of her decision to have a child with a man in prison for life. And Min Jin Lee points to the intimacy shared by a mother and her child’s hired caregiver.
All of these pieces smartly discuss the various cultural pressures, issues, and realities for families today, in a manner that is inviting and accessible—sometimes humorous, sometimes moving, sometimes shocking, but always fascinating.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published January 17, 2009
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 79 reviews
November 23, 2012
Some of the stories were good. However a lot of them were annoying.
Some of the story tellers came off as arrogant. And just plain idiotic. And yes, I mean the parents who wander around in a van and decided health care things like vaccinations were too mainstream for their kids. And brag about how they gave birth at home and lived illegally in buildings they didn't own.
A lot of the stories seemed focused on married people. And even the one about the non married couple was one that seemed to be them going on about how much better they were then everyone else. I was also hoping there would be at least one story about someone in an asexual relationship as well, but sadly no.
Oh, and the woman who told her friend in a bad, possibly abusive marriage, to stay married? Because she didn't think divorces did anything but hurt the kids and were only good for the wife, who should stay miserable apparently?
What.the.hell.
No really, what the hell? That was disgusting.
Some of the story tellers came off as arrogant. And just plain idiotic. And yes, I mean the parents who wander around in a van and decided health care things like vaccinations were too mainstream for their kids. And brag about how they gave birth at home and lived illegally in buildings they didn't own.
A lot of the stories seemed focused on married people. And even the one about the non married couple was one that seemed to be them going on about how much better they were then everyone else. I was also hoping there would be at least one story about someone in an asexual relationship as well, but sadly no.
Oh, and the woman who told her friend in a bad, possibly abusive marriage, to stay married? Because she didn't think divorces did anything but hurt the kids and were only good for the wife, who should stay miserable apparently?
What.the.hell.
No really, what the hell? That was disgusting.
April 24, 2009
This is a really quick read and I've already recommended it to several friends - and would recommend it for anyone who has ever felt like their family or their idea of family is out of step with the "norm." The overwhelming sense that I brought away from this reading was that: every family is different, every approach is different, and every family is beautiful. Whether or not that is what the editor and authors intended, I do not know. But it was nice to feel like the polyamorous LGBT life that I am currently leading does not preclude me from starting my own hodge podge family a few years down the road.
Probably the most negative thing that I can say about this collection - and the only reason why it does not get five stars is that a solid group of the stories had this air of... smugness about them. As if, the way they had worked it out was the most ideal form of a family. Which is quite possible true (for them), but not something that needed to come across in their writing. One that was particularly guilty of this was Penn-Nabrit's "How Homeschooling Made Our Family More of What We Wanted it to Be" (which was my least favorite of the works in this anthology).
Jenny Block's "And Then We Were Poly" was, in typical Block fashion, funny and engaging though not without it's own sense of "this is the best way to do things."
The most interesting and heart warming ones, I thought, were "Woman Up" by asha bandele, "The Enemy Within" by Dan Savage, "This Old House" by Rebecca Berry, and "My First Husband" by Liz Monroy. (Though Monroy's piece left a few holes that I wish she had covered - for example, why was it so important for her to divorce him because of an apartment?)
All and all, an interesting, heartwarming read. It will make anyone outside of the American "nuclear family" "ideal" a little less alone in the world.
Probably the most negative thing that I can say about this collection - and the only reason why it does not get five stars is that a solid group of the stories had this air of... smugness about them. As if, the way they had worked it out was the most ideal form of a family. Which is quite possible true (for them), but not something that needed to come across in their writing. One that was particularly guilty of this was Penn-Nabrit's "How Homeschooling Made Our Family More of What We Wanted it to Be" (which was my least favorite of the works in this anthology).
Jenny Block's "And Then We Were Poly" was, in typical Block fashion, funny and engaging though not without it's own sense of "this is the best way to do things."
The most interesting and heart warming ones, I thought, were "Woman Up" by asha bandele, "The Enemy Within" by Dan Savage, "This Old House" by Rebecca Berry, and "My First Husband" by Liz Monroy. (Though Monroy's piece left a few holes that I wish she had covered - for example, why was it so important for her to divorce him because of an apartment?)
All and all, an interesting, heartwarming read. It will make anyone outside of the American "nuclear family" "ideal" a little less alone in the world.
April 14, 2012
I was actually hoping from more for this book. While many of the essays were individually moving, overall the book did not question the innate value of modern Western definitions of family. Okay, maybe it's interracial, or the children are adopted, but the idea that "family" means "parents + children" is never really questioned. I was especially annoyed at the essay by Meredith Maran's "Till Life Do Us Part" which argued against divorce because SHE got divorced (and so did her parents) and it was HORRIBLE and made her two children all messed up so....well, really, there isn't a "so." There's just a "and then I met a woman and even though we had a big fight we worked it out and we're still together. Somehow, that's supposed to make the case against breaking up. Very annoying.
So a quick read with some interesting individual essays, but not nearly as radical or inclusive as I'd hoped for.
So a quick read with some interesting individual essays, but not nearly as radical or inclusive as I'd hoped for.
January 24, 2016
I'm a sucker for books that give voice to the wide range of human experience. Rebecca Walker edits essays that enforce the normality of 'deviant' and 'different' -from an ordinary woman who finds herself initiating and sustaining romantic relationships outside of her marriage (with her husband's consent); to a couple who decide to have an unassisted birth -at home; to a white adoptive mother who mourns what-could-have-been for her black daughter's birthmother; to a black family that homeschools their sons after the disfunction, classism, and racism of conventional schooling becomes too much to bear; to -(this one I found fascinating)- a single, straight man who helps a good friend conceive a child he has no desire to father. As long-partnered, unmarried person, I'm always on the look-out for families that reflect the one I've built, and for families I'd never imagine.
Rebecca Walker helps us to see what we usually cannot, and I'm grateful.
Addendum: I'm upping my rating to 4 stars because how often does on read a collection that includes so many people of color that is not expressly about being of color? Exactly. Good job on that one, too Ms. Walker.
Rebecca Walker helps us to see what we usually cannot, and I'm grateful.
Addendum: I'm upping my rating to 4 stars because how often does on read a collection that includes so many people of color that is not expressly about being of color? Exactly. Good job on that one, too Ms. Walker.
May 12, 2022
I really wanted to like this book. It started out strong and ended strong but a lot of the pieces in between weren't super great. I enjoyed at least a handful of the stories though.
March 7, 2014
Really enjoyed asha bandele's contribution on having and raising a child whose other parent was and is incarcerated as well as Rebecca Barry's closing essay on building rambling extended family connections in a rambling old house. I was a bit disappointed by the collection as a whole, however, and found some of the selections confusing--an odd sense of prudery and shame from the essayist discussing the positives of polyamory; an unexpected heteronormative deluge from a contributor discussing her long-term relationships with women--and the rest of the essays, while occasionally charming, were unable to balance out my confusion and discomfort.
June 15, 2016
My husband calls me a voyeur. I am fascinated with the way people live. Straight up. I like reading all those weird books about people's daily lives. When I first joined Goodreads, I stumbled upon this book. My "voyeur" sense started screaming, because I thought it would be interesting to read about people's lives. And it was. Some of the essays were more interesting than others. I thought the one about "equal" marriage was interesting and the ones that dealt with cross racial or cultural marriages. The book was a pretty quick read and the essays are fairly short so if you're a voyeur like me, it shouldn't take you long to get through this one.
July 6, 2009
But for one or two interesting, enlightening stories, the book ended up reinforcing every crappy stereotype I have on certain issues. I hated most of these stories not because of the topics (which I found incredibly interesting), but because of the writer. Again, excepting Dan Savage, ZZ Tucker and Min Jin Lee, most of these people came off as whiny and self-important. I wish the same book could be written, just with different people writing. Did not finish.
June 11, 2012
A really interesting stroll through many experiments in family structure and function- I LOVED this book. Each contributor brings something new to the table- parenting, partnership, work at home and away, adoption, intercultural families. If you'd like to look at how others do this thing call "family," I highly recommend this read.
July 14, 2013
A couple of the essays in this collection spoke to me. Most were okay. I think I read too many blogs and know people with too many ideas of "normal" to find this particularly enlightening. Good problem to have I suppose.
I was also surprised to see that there was no mention of a partnered couple with no kids. It felt like the author was assuming that "family" meant "kids", which I disagree with.
I was also surprised to see that there was no mention of a partnered couple with no kids. It felt like the author was assuming that "family" meant "kids", which I disagree with.
October 14, 2021
It's hard to rate a collection of essays by different people, because some you love, and others you hate! As a collection, however, I thought it showcased a very diverse set of experiences, so even if I wasn't in love with a few of the essays, I understood why they would be included and that they may hold interest to others. An interesting side effect of reading this collection was how it made me both grateful for my own marriage and curious about how we could change things up and improve. In that regard, I think I liked best the essays where the family wasn't totally finished, hadn't figured it all out. The one about "equal parenting" just felt boastful and unattainable, for instance. I'd recommend reading this before you get married, just to make sure you know your options!
September 22, 2019
Truly enjoyed this book & its stories of modern love & families. As a young, queer person starting to think about my future I have wondered what type of “designer relationship” I could want that is outside of the norm of the nuclear family idea. The variety in stories, the issues covered, the diversity in writers and their styles were all refreshing to read and gave me a better perspective on what “family” truly means. Life doesn’t have to follow the expected path and that is always a nice reminder.
November 2, 2019
I was so excited by the concept of this book but found a lot of the essays were varying quality and didn't go much deeper than a superficial anecdote or snapshot of the author's life. The two clear exceptions and standouts were Min Jin Lee's exploration of domestic staff becoming part of families, and Dawn Friedman's profound recounting of her open adoption- I'd happily read more of either of them.
June 21, 2018
I read this in a day. The stories are broken up really nicely, in different voices with different experiences that are fun to read about. It also gave me some perspectives that I wouldn't have had otherwise. Some of the stories are boring and a little cliche but overall it was a great read.
April 22, 2018
So disappointing. Reads like it's from the 90s. Lots of straight couples who think it's radical to share labor/be poly/etc
December 15, 2020
the chapter I was particularly interested in in this book was exactly what I needed and wanted.
April 16, 2022
This is a book that really challenged and broadened my perspective on family dynamics. Even though I didn't see myself and my own lifestyle in many of these stories, I'm glad I read it.
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August 15, 2024some of these i liked and some of these i found absolutely deranged
June 22, 2025
A collection of 18 essays from 18 different authors.
April 13, 2009
Overall, this is a light book -- a very quick read, and most of the stories don't really plumb great emotional depths (though I've read Dan Savage's story twice before, and it STILL made me tear up). A number of reviewers have pointed out that, although this book sets out to show the different faces of modern love, the selections here are overwhelmingly heteronormative. While I do think that the book could have been more diverse away from a heterosexual couple still being the central unit of the family, this selection does a great job of showing the diversity found within even that narrow world (and there are a number of non-heterosexual unions as well).
What I liked most was that most of the writers did a great job of remaining self-aware, searching, and non-sanctimonious. Most were merely living their lives, searching out an arrangement that worked for themselves and their loved ones; perhaps what would most shock a reader who firmly believes in the value of the "nuclear" family is how "normal" almost every household is, whether it is an polyamorous marriage, a mixed-race open adoption, or a forty-year old woman living with her female lover and two children. People are just people -- they lead their lives, do the best they can, and family is family. Only a few writers paint their own living arrangements as soft-focus, pentacles of domestic bliss that not only can but should be emulated by everyone else. Luckily, there are only two of those (if I remember correctly), and one of them ("Unassisted") is written in such horribly florid prose by a doe-eyed hippy that its laugh-out-loud humor value more than makes up for its inclusion.
This collection is not as radical or ground-breaking as the publisher seems to present it, but a good read.
What I liked most was that most of the writers did a great job of remaining self-aware, searching, and non-sanctimonious. Most were merely living their lives, searching out an arrangement that worked for themselves and their loved ones; perhaps what would most shock a reader who firmly believes in the value of the "nuclear" family is how "normal" almost every household is, whether it is an polyamorous marriage, a mixed-race open adoption, or a forty-year old woman living with her female lover and two children. People are just people -- they lead their lives, do the best they can, and family is family. Only a few writers paint their own living arrangements as soft-focus, pentacles of domestic bliss that not only can but should be emulated by everyone else. Luckily, there are only two of those (if I remember correctly), and one of them ("Unassisted") is written in such horribly florid prose by a doe-eyed hippy that its laugh-out-loud humor value more than makes up for its inclusion.
This collection is not as radical or ground-breaking as the publisher seems to present it, but a good read.
February 29, 2012
I found this to be a very interesting read. I am always fascinating by families and parenting styles that are outside of the norm and how they all make it work. I was especially interested in the family where the mom and dad split all duties 50/50. It's one thing to say you'll do that as a couple, but it's another to actually sit down and work it out. I imagine that it can be frustrating as an ongoing process, but it sounds like the rewards are worth it. I think it's amazing that they both work only 30 hours a week, and get to spend all of that extra free time with their children. It really makes you think that we don't all need full work weeks and hectic schedules, but instead might be happier with just enough money to get by and extra time to be together as a family. Being polyamorous I also enjoyed reading Jenny Block's essay and learning about her and her husband's joys and struggle with fully enjoying one another and letting one another truly be themselves. That is something I've always valued in friendship and relationships. In the end you can only truly be happy in a relationship being yourself and not changing to be what you think the other person, or who society, wants you to be. Being adopted I also enjoyed reading the adoption story of Dan Savage's son. I still am open to possibly adopting one day and having one or both parents living on the streets or addicted to drugs would be a huge worry for me. I'd find it really hard to handle that both for my child and for myself. Wanting to give them answers and sometimes not being able to find/get ahold of their birth parent(s) to ask would be something I don't know if I could handle. A great book with a little peek into the lives of modern families with many old school traditional family values.
September 11, 2010
There is something about essays that call out to me. I get to learn new things and in this case all about one subject - the family. Rebecca Walker has come up with 18 versions of truly modern love (that's part of her subtitle). All of these versions look different than that mythical nuclear family.
And of course, that is the crux. It is good to know that families are so different and that members of these families are willing to talk about how they make things work. However, that "standard" family never really did exist - Tolstoy said that "every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way". I would just say that every family is its own way. We all have to find our way to make our circumstances work.
I am glad to hear how others make their families. Every story helps us all to see that being the same is not worth striving for.
I had forgotten that this year I was going to track how I got to each of my books. This came out of my searching for books in our library on feminism. I had read Walker before and was glad to find another book by her, even though her story is less important in this collection.
And of course, that is the crux. It is good to know that families are so different and that members of these families are willing to talk about how they make things work. However, that "standard" family never really did exist - Tolstoy said that "every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way". I would just say that every family is its own way. We all have to find our way to make our circumstances work.
I am glad to hear how others make their families. Every story helps us all to see that being the same is not worth striving for.
I had forgotten that this year I was going to track how I got to each of my books. This came out of my searching for books in our library on feminism. I had read Walker before and was glad to find another book by her, even though her story is less important in this collection.
August 24, 2009
It's tough to find an anthology that has such consistently good stuff in it, or at least stuff that I consistently find really interesting. This is a finely edited anthology, with lots of various perspectives represented, and myriad writing styles as well. I think I'm also finding this book at a time when it's most helpful to me, while I struggle with traditional scripts about what various types of relationships might look like, and how to find a way to navigate around the traditions without running aground.
It's fascinating to know that, while I struggle in my little world with my little scripts, lots of people are struggling (or not!) with so-called "alternative" relationship models, other ways of being; learning about some of those ways (and knowing this must just be the tip of the iceberg) really helps me find some solace. Given that "traditional" families only exist as comfortable fictions anyway, I'd say anybody might enjoy learning about different types of relationships from the authors here.
It's fascinating to know that, while I struggle in my little world with my little scripts, lots of people are struggling (or not!) with so-called "alternative" relationship models, other ways of being; learning about some of those ways (and knowing this must just be the tip of the iceberg) really helps me find some solace. Given that "traditional" families only exist as comfortable fictions anyway, I'd say anybody might enjoy learning about different types of relationships from the authors here.
October 19, 2012
LOVED this book. I kind of wish it wasn't over.
The essays were eye-opening, hilarious, heart-warming, occasionally heart-breaking, but all of them provided an open, honest exploration o what a "modern family" can look like. Gay parents, single mother by choice, mixed race, stay at home dads, older woman with a younger man, multi-generations living under the same roof, open adoption, closed adoption, poly families.
It was all fascinating to read and consider what a "typical" family might be nowadays. Especially after having just read Love Times Three (http://lovetimesthree.com/) which definitely challenges the 'typical' and makes you reconsider your own prejudices.
I'm now definitely interested in finding more collections edited by Rebecca Walker, because this one was just endlessly fun to read. I highly recommend it.
The essays were eye-opening, hilarious, heart-warming, occasionally heart-breaking, but all of them provided an open, honest exploration o what a "modern family" can look like. Gay parents, single mother by choice, mixed race, stay at home dads, older woman with a younger man, multi-generations living under the same roof, open adoption, closed adoption, poly families.
It was all fascinating to read and consider what a "typical" family might be nowadays. Especially after having just read Love Times Three (http://lovetimesthree.com/) which definitely challenges the 'typical' and makes you reconsider your own prejudices.
I'm now definitely interested in finding more collections edited by Rebecca Walker, because this one was just endlessly fun to read. I highly recommend it.
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May 15, 2017A great anthology of personal stories, memoirs, essays, and examinations of the modern progressive definition of 'family'. As with any anthology, there are a few low points (including some reprints I had already read), but overall the selections were excellent and expressed the range of opinions and difficulties in bucking trends. My only substantive critique is that I would have liked to see someone writing a critique of transracial adoption but hey, you don't get everything you want. Overall the work is very diverse - in terms of race, sexual orientation, gender, class, and other interesting ways that I had never thought of before. Kudos to Walker for putting this all together in a way that truly flowed and made sense.
Great for fans of feminist/progressive anthologies.
Great for fans of feminist/progressive anthologies.
March 25, 2009
Continuing my obsession with all books Rebecca Walker...
The Lopate show had RW and two other authors from this anthology on to talk about the book yesterday. I was talking to his producer about the segment yesterday and she offered the review copy to me! Which I gratefully accepted and started reading on my walk back to my desk.
There are lots of great stories in this book, but I ended up just REALLY bummed that there are no two-lesbian-parent stories. No, I don't get enough un/known donor discussions on the lesbian baby blogs I read. I wanted an essay about navigating bio/non-bio momhood. So bite me.
The Lopate show had RW and two other authors from this anthology on to talk about the book yesterday. I was talking to his producer about the segment yesterday and she offered the review copy to me! Which I gratefully accepted and started reading on my walk back to my desk.
There are lots of great stories in this book, but I ended up just REALLY bummed that there are no two-lesbian-parent stories. No, I don't get enough un/known donor discussions on the lesbian baby blogs I read. I wanted an essay about navigating bio/non-bio momhood. So bite me.
January 10, 2010
This collection of essays explores the many different approaches to "family" that are out there in today's world. Each writer talks about how he or she experiences family, focusing on topics as varied as open adoption, polyamory, parenting a biracial child, homeschooling, and equally shared parenting. It was refreshing to read about how many different definitions of family exist, many of them far from the traditional "one man, one woman, two children" model. The essays are open and honest, and I appreciated the opportunity to take a look into people's lives and homes and to see what works for them.
April 4, 2011
I'm almost done with this book. It's an amazing collection of stories that challenge your definition of 'normal' families. Independent stories of a handful of amazingly unique and loving homes this book really has enlightened me to form my own path. Not wanting to do what society says is right simply because it's typical is not how I wish to live so this really has been a great book of other people doing the anti-nuclear family. Whether it's within the tales of alternative 'marriages', open adoptions, house-husbandry, or overly large families this collection really is something to pick up if you're looking for the alternative.
June 22, 2015
This book was an excuse to peek into other peoples lives. When I was a new mom I was always asking questions of other moms...about what they cooked for dinner, how much their kids slept, when did their child hit a certain milestone, etc, etc...well, these stories were a bit more on the extreme end of what other families are doing behind closed doors. The stories started out radically different from most families (polyamory, jail-house marriage) but as the stories went along, they started to seem "normal" in an weird way. Perfect example of "different strokes for different folks".
August 27, 2009
I like reading about other peoples' families, so this was fun. I had already read the original version of asha bandele's "Woman Up" and have seen Dan Savage speak live at a conference on adoption, basically saying the same thing he wrote. Most of the essays were well written and intriguing, although I didn't particularly care for or find any insight with "Home Alone Together" (Neal Pollack), "Love, Money, and the Unmarried Couple" (Judith Levine) or "Til Life Do Us Part" (Meredith Maran).
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