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F*cked at 40
For every woman that has ever felt trapped. A funny, raw and empowering mid-life-crisis-with-a-difference, vlogger, mother, lover businesswoman and social media phenomenon Tova Leigh explores what the hell you are supposed to do when you find yourself living a life you don't remember signing up for.
224 pages, Hardcover
First published March 2, 2020
217 people are currently reading
970 people want to read
About the author
Tova Leigh
4 books51 followersTova Leigh is a social media influencer, content creator, writer, performer, wife and mother. Tova’s shamelessly, open and honest video rants, articles, and podcast, have resonated with a huge number of women around the world. Tova uses her platforms to support and empower women by giving them a sense of belonging as she doesn’t hold back whilst sharing the raw truth with her uncensored topics that include motherhood, body issues, marriage, sexuality, relationships not forgetting chocolate, wine and of course cake!
With her viral online series 'Mom life crisis', Tova went on a journey to rediscover life after motherhood (yes this does exist). From doing a nude photo shoot, to bungee jumping, pole dancing, changing her appearance and even flying to Nepal to do the Everest base camp trek, Tova documented her journey. The series received an overwhelming response from thousands of women across the world. She is currently taking her raw humour on stage with her live show My Thoughts About Stuff and writing her new book.
With her viral online series 'Mom life crisis', Tova went on a journey to rediscover life after motherhood (yes this does exist). From doing a nude photo shoot, to bungee jumping, pole dancing, changing her appearance and even flying to Nepal to do the Everest base camp trek, Tova documented her journey. The series received an overwhelming response from thousands of women across the world. She is currently taking her raw humour on stage with her live show My Thoughts About Stuff and writing her new book.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 149 reviews
February 5, 2023
This book is nothing short of amazing. It's like Tova got inside the heads of most (and I'm not saying all women feel the same, but most of us do even if we're lying to ourselves and others that we don't) 42+ women who are in stable partnerships (=marriages or the sorts) with kids. What she describes in this book is a painfully accurate rendering of the struggles of mothers over 40 and the continuous battle in our heads between motherhood and womanhood. It depicts the way we lose ourselves, our true selves, in the process of raising kids, keeping a household and on top, a relationship together.
"Women over 40 are just supposed to fade in the background" says Tova and I couldn't agree more. You're supposed to mind your kids, your house and your man (if you have it) and not expect more from life. You're being labelled as "mom" and this label that society places on you means you no longer have personal needs. Well, Tova says what we've all been thinking but have been afraid to say it out in the open: "screw it all, I'm not dead yet", and embarks on a journey of rediscovering herself.
This is not an "eat pray love" kind of journey, she doesn't ditch it all and go to Italy and India (although she does make an all girls' trip to Ibiza and a trip with her brother to Himalaya), instead she starts taking more care of herself and her needs: she takes long walks, takes baths, puts on make-up, starts going out with friends again (she stresses the importance of friends and of having a "tribe") and not talk about children, and she starts masturbating as a means of self-care. In her book (and on social media), Tova talks a lot about women's sexuality from an honest point of view. And if we are to be honest ourselves, it's a subject that's mostly treated superficially even in women's magazines who mostly tell you how to get a guy to... (insert here whatever crappy advice they might give you).
As I was reading it, I was a bit scared of how much our experiences and views on life resembled, although we grew up in completely different cultures (me in the deprived, communist 80s in Romania and she in what seems to have been a pretty modern environment in Israel). When Tova talks about her childhood, about the expectations of everyone around to be "a good little girl", I said "aha", but when she talks about how she purposely used to have crushes on boys she couldn't have because she wanted the drama of unfulfillment, because she didn't feel worthy of love (maybe stemming from the fact that she was never sure her mother loved her), I shuddered. It was the first time I realized I have always done the same. I used to crush on boys I knew I couldn't have because I liked the drama and because I never felt loved and accepted as a child. Of course my parents loved me (and Tova has the same revelation somewhere in the book), but I never actually felt it. Up until now, I am still struggling with friendships, for example, because I am constantly worried I'm not worthy of people's attention and love. And of course that's why, like Tova, I married my first husband, knowing beforehand that our relationship was not ok and might not last, and indeed it didn't.
If you're feeling down in your 42+ life with a partner and kids, this is the book for you. It encourages you to take your wellbeing into your own hands. You don't have to travel the world for that, you just need to take small steps towards having a life outside of the household and no longer feeling guilty about it (she deals a lot with "mom guilt" in this book). We're not old at 40, we've just become better and wiser with time and we should put that to good use. We might not relate to all that Tova says (she blatantly talks about having an "open relationship" with her current husband), but we will definitely relate to most of it. Because there is such thing as a life beyond motherhood, the suburbia and post-partum bodies!
I am definitely keeping this book on my nightstand to re-read passages whenever I feel the need and would highly recommend Romanian publishers to translate it into Romanian!
"Women get better with age It's actually the best-kept secret there is. There, I've said it, and I don't care if the general consensus is that there is nothing worse than ageing if you are a woman. You know all those people who say a woman's life is over after 40? They lied.
I say this despite my droopy boobs and stretch marks. Despite the fact that I need to cross my legs when I sneeze and all the other little bits that stop working properly with age. I say it, because, firstly, I hardly knew what to do with myself when I was in my twenties. Half the time I was worried about what other people thought of me, and the other half I thought I was fat. It's weird how in my forties something clicked. It was as if a little light switch had flicked on. I call it the Fuck It Moment, the realization that, actually, I don't care what others think of me, and I want to have sex in the light, because when it's too dark, I get sleepy, AND I really don't mind if I'm fat or not because, frankly, being thin is completely overrated, not to mention the fact that I love cake far too much and I can't bear the gym.
It's not just looks by the way; it is an inner feeling of acceptance and excitement about being who you really are without being afraid. And I'll tell you a secret - because no one ever talks about it - women go a bit crazy with age, or perhaps we've always been a little bit mad, but we allow ourselves to show it more as we get older. We grow up surrounded by expectations of being good girls, good wives, good moms and, well, just... good. This doesn't seem to matter as much as we age; instead we seek to be ourselves, whatever they may be. So, yeah, women get better with age, that's a 100% a fact. Less 'cute' maybe, but honestly, who the hell wants to be cute anyway? I'd much rather be fierce."
"Women over 40 are just supposed to fade in the background" says Tova and I couldn't agree more. You're supposed to mind your kids, your house and your man (if you have it) and not expect more from life. You're being labelled as "mom" and this label that society places on you means you no longer have personal needs. Well, Tova says what we've all been thinking but have been afraid to say it out in the open: "screw it all, I'm not dead yet", and embarks on a journey of rediscovering herself.
This is not an "eat pray love" kind of journey, she doesn't ditch it all and go to Italy and India (although she does make an all girls' trip to Ibiza and a trip with her brother to Himalaya), instead she starts taking more care of herself and her needs: she takes long walks, takes baths, puts on make-up, starts going out with friends again (she stresses the importance of friends and of having a "tribe") and not talk about children, and she starts masturbating as a means of self-care. In her book (and on social media), Tova talks a lot about women's sexuality from an honest point of view. And if we are to be honest ourselves, it's a subject that's mostly treated superficially even in women's magazines who mostly tell you how to get a guy to... (insert here whatever crappy advice they might give you).
As I was reading it, I was a bit scared of how much our experiences and views on life resembled, although we grew up in completely different cultures (me in the deprived, communist 80s in Romania and she in what seems to have been a pretty modern environment in Israel). When Tova talks about her childhood, about the expectations of everyone around to be "a good little girl", I said "aha", but when she talks about how she purposely used to have crushes on boys she couldn't have because she wanted the drama of unfulfillment, because she didn't feel worthy of love (maybe stemming from the fact that she was never sure her mother loved her), I shuddered. It was the first time I realized I have always done the same. I used to crush on boys I knew I couldn't have because I liked the drama and because I never felt loved and accepted as a child. Of course my parents loved me (and Tova has the same revelation somewhere in the book), but I never actually felt it. Up until now, I am still struggling with friendships, for example, because I am constantly worried I'm not worthy of people's attention and love. And of course that's why, like Tova, I married my first husband, knowing beforehand that our relationship was not ok and might not last, and indeed it didn't.
If you're feeling down in your 42+ life with a partner and kids, this is the book for you. It encourages you to take your wellbeing into your own hands. You don't have to travel the world for that, you just need to take small steps towards having a life outside of the household and no longer feeling guilty about it (she deals a lot with "mom guilt" in this book). We're not old at 40, we've just become better and wiser with time and we should put that to good use. We might not relate to all that Tova says (she blatantly talks about having an "open relationship" with her current husband), but we will definitely relate to most of it. Because there is such thing as a life beyond motherhood, the suburbia and post-partum bodies!
I am definitely keeping this book on my nightstand to re-read passages whenever I feel the need and would highly recommend Romanian publishers to translate it into Romanian!
"Women get better with age It's actually the best-kept secret there is. There, I've said it, and I don't care if the general consensus is that there is nothing worse than ageing if you are a woman. You know all those people who say a woman's life is over after 40? They lied.
I say this despite my droopy boobs and stretch marks. Despite the fact that I need to cross my legs when I sneeze and all the other little bits that stop working properly with age. I say it, because, firstly, I hardly knew what to do with myself when I was in my twenties. Half the time I was worried about what other people thought of me, and the other half I thought I was fat. It's weird how in my forties something clicked. It was as if a little light switch had flicked on. I call it the Fuck It Moment, the realization that, actually, I don't care what others think of me, and I want to have sex in the light, because when it's too dark, I get sleepy, AND I really don't mind if I'm fat or not because, frankly, being thin is completely overrated, not to mention the fact that I love cake far too much and I can't bear the gym.
It's not just looks by the way; it is an inner feeling of acceptance and excitement about being who you really are without being afraid. And I'll tell you a secret - because no one ever talks about it - women go a bit crazy with age, or perhaps we've always been a little bit mad, but we allow ourselves to show it more as we get older. We grow up surrounded by expectations of being good girls, good wives, good moms and, well, just... good. This doesn't seem to matter as much as we age; instead we seek to be ourselves, whatever they may be. So, yeah, women get better with age, that's a 100% a fact. Less 'cute' maybe, but honestly, who the hell wants to be cute anyway? I'd much rather be fierce."
April 9, 2022
This is the second book by Tova Leigh that I’ve read and I also follow her in instagram. She talks about the rough sides of motherhood, of accepting one’s body - and enjoying it. It’s funny and honest. The book can be read by anyone, I don’t have any children myself and that didn’t remove anything from the experience.
I can absolutely relate to Tova and her thoughts on life after 40. As a woman the message we get is that life is over and that we’re over the hill. It’s a lie! So far I too am enjoying my 40’s far more than my financially unstable 20’s. By now I’ve also shaken off the sexual angst that anyone brought up deeply religious inherit, that bodily pleasures are sinful. They’re not. We’re meant to enjoy ourselves as Tova so vividly communicates. I must admit that I was a little shocked to learn that she now lives in an open marriage. That wouldn’t be for most.
I can absolutely relate to Tova and her thoughts on life after 40. As a woman the message we get is that life is over and that we’re over the hill. It’s a lie! So far I too am enjoying my 40’s far more than my financially unstable 20’s. By now I’ve also shaken off the sexual angst that anyone brought up deeply religious inherit, that bodily pleasures are sinful. They’re not. We’re meant to enjoy ourselves as Tova so vividly communicates. I must admit that I was a little shocked to learn that she now lives in an open marriage. That wouldn’t be for most.
September 19, 2021
Мені було цікаво прочитати, оповідачка викликала симпатію, її пошуки теж.
January 23, 2022
What a great book and a really easy read. I would say any woman of any age would benefit from reading this book and listening to Tova's perspective. Some of the things she spoke about, fertility and being a mother really resonated. Understanding you aren't alone in wanting more from life as a woman whatever that may be and it's ok to have these things be it hobbies, career, chocolate, wine whatever it is no matter how small we need to embrace these opportunities and ease up on one another. One thing I loved was this idea of sisterhood, having grown up a Tom boy this wasn't something I ever experienced and was very lucky to meet 2 special friends in my life who really showed me the meaning of sisterhood. Sadly one of them is now gone too soon but for the time she was in our lives she was a beacon of inspiration with a crazy laugh. Losing her so young and missing out on sharing our 40th celebrations I treasure every moment in life and am so thankful that my remaining sister buddy puts up with me 💗
July 2, 2025
Φίλη μου αγαπημένη!
Ναι, σε εσένα μιλάω. Σε εσένα που έχεις περάσει τα 40 ή και τα 50 ή και τα 60 ακόμα –μη σκας, η ηλικία είναι μόνο ένα νούμερο στην ταυτότητα. Αν χρειάζεσαι μια ένεση θάρρους κι αυτοσαρκασμού, μια γερή δόση «ξύδι» για όσα σε ταλαιπωρούν, τότε βάλε στην τσάντα σου το βιβλίο της Tova Leigh «Γ@μ@τη στα 40». Μπορείς να το αποκαλέσεις αυτοβελτίωσης αν θες, αυτοβιογραφικό ή και εγχειρίδιο. Εγώ το λέω «Ξύπνα και ζήσε» για όσες νομίζουν ότι μετά τα 40 μπαίνεις σε safe mode.
Η Tova δεν αφήνει τίποτα ασχολίαστο – οικογένεια, σχέσεις, μητρότητα, σώμα, σεξ, φιλίες, όλα μπαίνουν στο μικροσκόπιο και βγαίνουν με τη στάμπα «Γ@μ@τη στα 40, στα 50, στα 60…» Γ@μ@τη γενικότερα! Στιγμές γέλιου; Πολλές. Στιγμές «μα να το πω κι εγώ στη μάνα μου αυτό αύριο»; Άπειρες.
Η γραφή της θυμίζει έξοδο με την κολλητούλα που σου λέει: « Φιλενάδα άκου να δεις…». Ε και την ακούς! Και την απολαμβάνεις! Γιατί τα λέει όπως είναι: ωμά, ξεκαρδιστικά, απενοχοποιημένα. Αν περιμένεις λογοτεχνία, λυπάμαι (#Νοοοτ), μας τελείωσε! Πήγαινε αλλού. Αν θες μια φίλη που να σου υπενθυμίσει και μάλιστα εγγράφως, πως να είσαι ο εαυτός σου και πως να σε αγαπάς τότε διάβασε Tova Leigh!
Προειδοποίηση: Θα πάθει υπερκόπωση το χέρι σου να σημειώνεις ατάκες. Ωστόσο εγώ σου λέω να κρατήσεις μία στο μυαλό σου και γράψε την κι απευθείας στον καθρέφτη σου: «Γ@μ@τη γενικότερα!»
Καλή ανάγνωση!
https://vivliografika.blogspot.com/
Ναι, σε εσένα μιλάω. Σε εσένα που έχεις περάσει τα 40 ή και τα 50 ή και τα 60 ακόμα –μη σκας, η ηλικία είναι μόνο ένα νούμερο στην ταυτότητα. Αν χρειάζεσαι μια ένεση θάρρους κι αυτοσαρκασμού, μια γερή δόση «ξύδι» για όσα σε ταλαιπωρούν, τότε βάλε στην τσάντα σου το βιβλίο της Tova Leigh «Γ@μ@τη στα 40». Μπορείς να το αποκαλέσεις αυτοβελτίωσης αν θες, αυτοβιογραφικό ή και εγχειρίδιο. Εγώ το λέω «Ξύπνα και ζήσε» για όσες νομίζουν ότι μετά τα 40 μπαίνεις σε safe mode.
Η Tova δεν αφήνει τίποτα ασχολίαστο – οικογένεια, σχέσεις, μητρότητα, σώμα, σεξ, φιλίες, όλα μπαίνουν στο μικροσκόπιο και βγαίνουν με τη στάμπα «Γ@μ@τη στα 40, στα 50, στα 60…» Γ@μ@τη γενικότερα! Στιγμές γέλιου; Πολλές. Στιγμές «μα να το πω κι εγώ στη μάνα μου αυτό αύριο»; Άπειρες.
Η γραφή της θυμίζει έξοδο με την κολλητούλα που σου λέει: « Φιλενάδα άκου να δεις…». Ε και την ακούς! Και την απολαμβάνεις! Γιατί τα λέει όπως είναι: ωμά, ξεκαρδιστικά, απενοχοποιημένα. Αν περιμένεις λογοτεχνία, λυπάμαι (#Νοοοτ), μας τελείωσε! Πήγαινε αλλού. Αν θες μια φίλη που να σου υπενθυμίσει και μάλιστα εγγράφως, πως να είσαι ο εαυτός σου και πως να σε αγαπάς τότε διάβασε Tova Leigh!
Προειδοποίηση: Θα πάθει υπερκόπωση το χέρι σου να σημειώνεις ατάκες. Ωστόσο εγώ σου λέω να κρατήσεις μία στο μυαλό σου και γράψε την κι απευθείας στον καθρέφτη σου: «Γ@μ@τη γενικότερα!»
Καλή ανάγνωση!
https://vivliografika.blogspot.com/
May 22, 2020
So I audiobooked this one whilst at work and oh wow, its amazing it's just so real. I enjoyed every second of it and would highly recommend it to women of all ages, as a 25 year old mum I'm only part of the target audience so bits didn't hit as hard with me as they may have done had I been closer to 40. But she sums up motherhood brilliantly. Especially when taking about the school run and mum guilt something I'm sure we are all too familiar with. Whilst I loved the audiobook I think its one I will be going out to buy a physical copy of so I can pass it on it every woman i know :)
February 27, 2021
Bored. Utterly bored 😑!
September 30, 2021
Хороша і позитивна книга про те, як 40-річна жінка вдихнула нове дихання в своє життя.
Але я мала певні очікування і запитання, відповідей на які не дуже отримала. Хіба натяки.
Бо ж можна вдихнути нове дихання в своє 40-річне життя з трьома неідеальним тілом, нереалізованими бажаннями, нехрестоматійним ставленням до мамства. І особливо можна, якщо весь цей твій шлях віднайення любові до себе, тилом для тебе є чоловік, який тебе любить. Як там було у Марії-Антуанетти, нема хліба, їжте булочки?))
Але я мала певні очікування і запитання, відповідей на які не дуже отримала. Хіба натяки.
Бо ж можна вдихнути нове дихання в своє 40-річне життя з трьома неідеальним тілом, нереалізованими бажаннями, нехрестоматійним ставленням до мамства. І особливо можна, якщо весь цей твій шлях віднайення любові до себе, тилом для тебе є чоловік, який тебе любить. Як там було у Марії-Антуанетти, нема хліба, їжте булочки?))
July 6, 2021
Хороший сеанс психотерапии на 5 часов (в аудио версии) для тех, кто привык сначала думать о других, а потом о себе. Немного не хватило подробностей о том, как перейти из состояния «чего изволите» к состоянию «вообще-то я так хочу», но возможно у каждого свой особый путь, и автор изложила свой, как считала нужным.
March 23, 2020
This book is everything! Such a great book for any woman out there. I follow Tova Leigh on social media, which was how I found out about this book. On social media videos that Tova posts, she’s married woman with kids who is real and tells it how it is and it’s hilarious. She’s not afraid to say ANYTHING, which I love.
Like her videos, Tova is hilarious through her writing, but she also gets deep. There were moments of scandal, sadness, death, shock, and happiness that would probably make a great movie while also putting your mind into perspective.
The book is essentially about her Life Crisis, how she got there, how she crawled out, and what she learned from it. She goes back to her childhood to discover where her problems started and figures out what she really needs in life. What every person needs in life really.
The title makes it sound like it is only for 40-year-old married women with children, but that’s not the case. Her message is important for all women, which is that we can choose our own path and become who we want to be without society telling us how to do so. That sounds a little cliché when I say that, but she really lays it out there for us to see. How we let so many people dictate our lives without even realizing it. Especially as mothers, people tend to envision what every mom should be like. Mothers and women in generally are constantly concerned with how people will perceive them, which make us constantly trying to fit into molds that we simply do not fit in, because we are all unique.
I’m 30 years old and have not hit a life crisis yet, but I feel it building. Tova’s life-changing experience and the way she views life because of it, is very inspirational. She really is on to something that can help women everywhere feel comfortable in their own skin. She explains it much better than me, so I highly recommend any woman to read this book.
Like her videos, Tova is hilarious through her writing, but she also gets deep. There were moments of scandal, sadness, death, shock, and happiness that would probably make a great movie while also putting your mind into perspective.
The book is essentially about her Life Crisis, how she got there, how she crawled out, and what she learned from it. She goes back to her childhood to discover where her problems started and figures out what she really needs in life. What every person needs in life really.
The title makes it sound like it is only for 40-year-old married women with children, but that’s not the case. Her message is important for all women, which is that we can choose our own path and become who we want to be without society telling us how to do so. That sounds a little cliché when I say that, but she really lays it out there for us to see. How we let so many people dictate our lives without even realizing it. Especially as mothers, people tend to envision what every mom should be like. Mothers and women in generally are constantly concerned with how people will perceive them, which make us constantly trying to fit into molds that we simply do not fit in, because we are all unique.
I’m 30 years old and have not hit a life crisis yet, but I feel it building. Tova’s life-changing experience and the way she views life because of it, is very inspirational. She really is on to something that can help women everywhere feel comfortable in their own skin. She explains it much better than me, so I highly recommend any woman to read this book.
February 3, 2023
jag känner inte igen mig i det här med att förlora sig själv för att man blivit förälder, inte heller känslan av att fastnat i livet pga av familjen. Kanske därför att jag aldrig eg haft behov av egentid utanför hemmet. En kort stund för en tupplur, tid för att läsa en bok eller se en film så har jag varit nöjd. Jag har fått den egentiden då de somnat på kvällen.
Däremot kan jag känna igen det dåliga samvetet man får när man varit arg, känslan av att vara en urusel förälder när tålamodet inte räcker till och man hellre vill sitta i soffan än göra något. Samvetet över att man tycker lekparken är urtråkigt och att leka med dockor rena döden. Eller samvetet när man tycker det är såååå skönt att dom åkt till sin pappa (de två stora, mini är ju kvar)
känner inte heller igen mig I längtan över att ha ett öppet förhållande och inte vara bunden till en person. HELL jag tycker det är nog jobbigt med EN man.. Skulle aldrig palla en till 😂🙄
.
Ändå en kul bok att läsa få jag följt Tova under ngr år och tycker hon gjort både roliga, insiktsfulla och viktiga inlägg. Intressant att få ta del under den yta man aldrig kunnat tro av att ha sett henne inlägg även om hon varit väldigt öppen med att hon fick en kris och började fundera över livet
Däremot kan jag känna igen det dåliga samvetet man får när man varit arg, känslan av att vara en urusel förälder när tålamodet inte räcker till och man hellre vill sitta i soffan än göra något. Samvetet över att man tycker lekparken är urtråkigt och att leka med dockor rena döden. Eller samvetet när man tycker det är såååå skönt att dom åkt till sin pappa (de två stora, mini är ju kvar)
känner inte heller igen mig I längtan över att ha ett öppet förhållande och inte vara bunden till en person. HELL jag tycker det är nog jobbigt med EN man.. Skulle aldrig palla en till 😂🙄
.
Ändå en kul bok att läsa få jag följt Tova under ngr år och tycker hon gjort både roliga, insiktsfulla och viktiga inlägg. Intressant att få ta del under den yta man aldrig kunnat tro av att ha sett henne inlägg även om hon varit väldigt öppen med att hon fick en kris och började fundera över livet
January 1, 2020
This book is seriously bloody brilliant! Every woman over 40 should read it, whether they're a wife, a mother or none of the above. So refreshingly honest, relentlessly frank, side splittingly funny and sheer sparkling brilliance. Tova is a blogger I have followed for a while now and I know she had a glittering career ahead of her. This book will be huge and the upcoming stage show will be too.
August 3, 2024
I was seeking a shorter audiobook for a few commutes I during the week. It fit the bill for that purpose but isn’t something I’d recommend widely. The author states that she wants her book to appeal to more than suburban white moms. Then she proceeds to talk about her childrens’ nanny, her less-than-full-time jobs, and her girls trips to locations that require
hotel rooms and airplanes. As a suburban wife and a mother, I tried to relate; yet, found myself cringing more than laughing through this book.
hotel rooms and airplanes. As a suburban wife and a mother, I tried to relate; yet, found myself cringing more than laughing through this book.
May 26, 2020
I’m really struggling to read during this COVID-19 global pandemic of 2020. Normally reading is such a comfort, but I can’t lose myself in books the way I usually do. I’m not sure what impact this’ll have on my ratings!
But I really enjoyed this, I appreciated Tova’s openness and honesty, and how brave she is to share so much. Having said that, there wasn’t really anything I wasn’t expecting in the book, which could be because I follow her on Instagram already, but it’s a quick worthy read. It’s not just for mums, but I think there’s more that’ll resonate if you are a mum.
My rating strategy:
5 stars = An all time favourite, I could tell you about this 10 years later.
4 stars = Loved this, really gripping/fun/exciting, will remember long term.
3 stars = Definitely enjoyed, might forget quickly though, but happy to read more by the author.
2 stars = Likely to have some goood points, but it didn't properly captivate me.
1 star = Not my cup of tea at all, wouldn't return to the author.
But I really enjoyed this, I appreciated Tova’s openness and honesty, and how brave she is to share so much. Having said that, there wasn’t really anything I wasn’t expecting in the book, which could be because I follow her on Instagram already, but it’s a quick worthy read. It’s not just for mums, but I think there’s more that’ll resonate if you are a mum.
My rating strategy:
5 stars = An all time favourite, I could tell you about this 10 years later.
4 stars = Loved this, really gripping/fun/exciting, will remember long term.
3 stars = Definitely enjoyed, might forget quickly though, but happy to read more by the author.
2 stars = Likely to have some goood points, but it didn't properly captivate me.
1 star = Not my cup of tea at all, wouldn't return to the author.
May 4, 2020
loved it - so honest funny and inspiring to really realise you are good enough and just be yourself :)
February 28, 2022
A short, light hearted and life affirming memoire that's very relatable and easy to read.
December 17, 2022
This book and the amazing reading might single handedly get me into audio books 🥰
November 28, 2020
Mom. The role you desired the most, only to discover it is like nothing you’ve imagined. Tova Leigh strips motherhood of its comfortable shell of perfection, telling things as they are. Brutally honest, she sends a message to every woman who has ever felt trapped: the only one who can help you escape is you!
Within the pages of this book, you will find funny depictions of life as a mother, as well as raw moments that we have all lived. Empowering words suggest to us that we have the power to step outside the mom box, and be exactly who we would want to be.
I was glad to accompany Tova on her journey of rediscovering who she was after becoming a mother, and I applauded her efforts to break free from the norms society imposes on women. She chose to be herself, inspiring other women to do the same. While this is her own experience she is talking about, it does not take more than a full second to relate to some of the parts.
Absolutely relatable? Not exactly. As mothers and women, we each have our own story, and we are free to take all the decisions necessary to feel comfortable in the roles life has given to us. What I would encourage other women to do is read her story, finding inspiration on living life as yourself first. Mom, wife and other roles should follow.
Why do we talk so little about women experiencing a mid-life crisis? Once men reach that point, it seems everyone has something to say about the difficulties they are facing. Tova is one of the few women who had the courage to speak about her breakdown, and she has made some astute observations throughout the book.
I liked how she talks openly about taboo topics, challenging what we believe should be discussed out in the open. It’s refreshing.
When did “mom” became just a label? The author explores this issue throughout the book, saying something that is so painfully true over and over again: motherhood is tough. Yes, you will love your kids to the moon and back, unconditionally, but you will also feel suffocated, needing time for yourself. In the end, as you will find from this book, it is all about finding balance.
Tova talks about her family, and how it contributed, in one way or the other, to who she is in the present. I also got the feeling she encouraged her readers to find the power and break dysfunctional generational patterns. She also approaches themes we all deal with, including sexuality, love and relationships. It’s easy to get lost behind the mom label, but it is possible to get back to who you are, making time for your own pleasures.
The fear of getting stuck is a major theme, and I liked how she made a bucket list to go through during her mid-life crisis. Her list included bungee jumping, going to a naked spa and traveling. Once again, we each have our own story, and this is why our bucket list would also be different.
Favorite quote:
“The key thing about living by other people’s expectations is it means we are not responsible when things go wrong. Acknowledging the fact that you are free to do as you please is scary. That’s why most of us prefer not seeing it. We live our lives resisting the basic freedom we were born with, which is to be ourselves.”
Verdict:
Even though I did not relate to every aspect part of the book, I found it to be an inspiring read. Too often, I see motherhood depicted as a state of utter happiness, and I am tired of seeing those perfect mothers posing with their perfect babies. Tova says it like it is, and I like her brutal honesty. Motherhood is tough and there is no sense of hiding it.
The book is a great read, and, as you will devour one page after the other, you will come to the conclusion there are so many issues mothers are afraid to talk about, fearing they will be judged. Perhaps it’s time to stop the guilt shaming and support one another, including when it comes to stepping outside the mom box.
Within the pages of this book, you will find funny depictions of life as a mother, as well as raw moments that we have all lived. Empowering words suggest to us that we have the power to step outside the mom box, and be exactly who we would want to be.
I was glad to accompany Tova on her journey of rediscovering who she was after becoming a mother, and I applauded her efforts to break free from the norms society imposes on women. She chose to be herself, inspiring other women to do the same. While this is her own experience she is talking about, it does not take more than a full second to relate to some of the parts.
Absolutely relatable? Not exactly. As mothers and women, we each have our own story, and we are free to take all the decisions necessary to feel comfortable in the roles life has given to us. What I would encourage other women to do is read her story, finding inspiration on living life as yourself first. Mom, wife and other roles should follow.
Why do we talk so little about women experiencing a mid-life crisis? Once men reach that point, it seems everyone has something to say about the difficulties they are facing. Tova is one of the few women who had the courage to speak about her breakdown, and she has made some astute observations throughout the book.
I liked how she talks openly about taboo topics, challenging what we believe should be discussed out in the open. It’s refreshing.
When did “mom” became just a label? The author explores this issue throughout the book, saying something that is so painfully true over and over again: motherhood is tough. Yes, you will love your kids to the moon and back, unconditionally, but you will also feel suffocated, needing time for yourself. In the end, as you will find from this book, it is all about finding balance.
Tova talks about her family, and how it contributed, in one way or the other, to who she is in the present. I also got the feeling she encouraged her readers to find the power and break dysfunctional generational patterns. She also approaches themes we all deal with, including sexuality, love and relationships. It’s easy to get lost behind the mom label, but it is possible to get back to who you are, making time for your own pleasures.
The fear of getting stuck is a major theme, and I liked how she made a bucket list to go through during her mid-life crisis. Her list included bungee jumping, going to a naked spa and traveling. Once again, we each have our own story, and this is why our bucket list would also be different.
Favorite quote:
“The key thing about living by other people’s expectations is it means we are not responsible when things go wrong. Acknowledging the fact that you are free to do as you please is scary. That’s why most of us prefer not seeing it. We live our lives resisting the basic freedom we were born with, which is to be ourselves.”
Verdict:
Even though I did not relate to every aspect part of the book, I found it to be an inspiring read. Too often, I see motherhood depicted as a state of utter happiness, and I am tired of seeing those perfect mothers posing with their perfect babies. Tova says it like it is, and I like her brutal honesty. Motherhood is tough and there is no sense of hiding it.
The book is a great read, and, as you will devour one page after the other, you will come to the conclusion there are so many issues mothers are afraid to talk about, fearing they will be judged. Perhaps it’s time to stop the guilt shaming and support one another, including when it comes to stepping outside the mom box.
March 11, 2020
Overall, a very interesting book. I enjoyed it, especially the chapters not about motherhood, as she talked a lot about finding yourself and not letting one thing define you. A good read if you're a fan of memoir.
April 13, 2020
Y'all, "F*cked at 40" let me tell you-
When I turned 30, I felt a peace about it. I felt like I accomplished enough in my life to have "earned" the age of 30. Suddenly, 40 is my next milestone, approaching sooner rather than later. My life looks completely different now than on my 30th.
I was excited to read this book because I had heard and read about some of the pitfalls of motherhood. The loosing of yourself, etc. I wanted to get a glimpse at what the future could possibly have out for me in an effort to be better prepared.
Well, I don't think that happened. I was actually rather bored. There were lots of stories about parents and childhood. I think the purpose is to show how your childhood affects your marriage and your parenting styles. That was never stated tho so I'm just assuming. I appreciated the recognition and articulation of the things women go through physically, mentally, and emotionally throughout pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood. It's nice to be seen.
The book is peppered with lots of relatable, yet not revolutionary rants. Such as:
Moms are angry because our cups are empty, because we are looking after everyone else while no one is looking after us. We wear so many hats as mothers and we forget to actually be ourselves. When Tova would meeting with her friends, most of them felt like they were going to combust at any moment, that what they wanted more than anything was to break free from their roles as mothers and wives even if for just a little bit.
There are also some items that are rather unrelatable to me. Tova makes decisions that I don't agree with. Being a mom myself has really taught me to appreciate and honestly embrace the idea of "you do you." She's writing about her experiences and as a reader, I'm just supposed to take it as another POV.
IDK, maybe self-realization books aren't for me. I'm super good as using reading to escape, but maybe a book on motherhood is a little to much like an extended work day for me.
Tova, it's not you. It's me.
When I turned 30, I felt a peace about it. I felt like I accomplished enough in my life to have "earned" the age of 30. Suddenly, 40 is my next milestone, approaching sooner rather than later. My life looks completely different now than on my 30th.
I was excited to read this book because I had heard and read about some of the pitfalls of motherhood. The loosing of yourself, etc. I wanted to get a glimpse at what the future could possibly have out for me in an effort to be better prepared.
Well, I don't think that happened. I was actually rather bored. There were lots of stories about parents and childhood. I think the purpose is to show how your childhood affects your marriage and your parenting styles. That was never stated tho so I'm just assuming. I appreciated the recognition and articulation of the things women go through physically, mentally, and emotionally throughout pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood. It's nice to be seen.
The book is peppered with lots of relatable, yet not revolutionary rants. Such as:
Moms are angry because our cups are empty, because we are looking after everyone else while no one is looking after us. We wear so many hats as mothers and we forget to actually be ourselves. When Tova would meeting with her friends, most of them felt like they were going to combust at any moment, that what they wanted more than anything was to break free from their roles as mothers and wives even if for just a little bit.
There are also some items that are rather unrelatable to me. Tova makes decisions that I don't agree with. Being a mom myself has really taught me to appreciate and honestly embrace the idea of "you do you." She's writing about her experiences and as a reader, I'm just supposed to take it as another POV.
IDK, maybe self-realization books aren't for me. I'm super good as using reading to escape, but maybe a book on motherhood is a little to much like an extended work day for me.
Tova, it's not you. It's me.
July 23, 2020
Open and honest about seeking her sense of self in a long term marriage and with children, Tova looks at societies expectations and constraints, and forms her own picture. I completely understand the need to be someone outside the labels of mother and wife, and have time alone with friends, traveling, and working on your own passions. And if you have little ones, just time alone in the bathroom! However, she identifies so thoroughly with her free, party girl of her twenties, and sees that as her true self. I personally, have zero desire to re-experience the the drunken party days of my youth! I feel she has more searching to do because that's one thing that never truly gives you happiness. There's a lot of research out there on what habits you can form that create deep happiness. Tova's humor and candor about her life's journey Is wonderful for opening up discussion about finding oneself, it will be interesting to see her continue to grow.
From a 49 year old woman, in long term marriage (that made it through a huge/long rocky patch), with a 17 year old son. It gets easier as they grow and it totally flies (I'm sure it's much more challenging with more kids)
From a 49 year old woman, in long term marriage (that made it through a huge/long rocky patch), with a 17 year old son. It gets easier as they grow and it totally flies (I'm sure it's much more challenging with more kids)
June 26, 2021
Every woman who is sick of the cliches of womanhood & motherhood should read this book
Honestly laugh out loud funny at times and so absolutely spot on! I'm a mom who is over 40 and I just love that this book addresses the absolute ridiculousness that is the double standards between what people expect of a man vs a woman. This book is blunt and open about sex, body image struggles & acceptance and "mom guilt." Short & engaging read that I highly recommend ( although being open-minded might be necessary if you've never struggled with doubts about what your life looks like compared to how you wish it did).
Honestly laugh out loud funny at times and so absolutely spot on! I'm a mom who is over 40 and I just love that this book addresses the absolute ridiculousness that is the double standards between what people expect of a man vs a woman. This book is blunt and open about sex, body image struggles & acceptance and "mom guilt." Short & engaging read that I highly recommend ( although being open-minded might be necessary if you've never struggled with doubts about what your life looks like compared to how you wish it did).
September 27, 2021
популярна тема сьогодення: як не загубити або віднайти себе саму в материнстві. англійською назва класно звучить :)) бачила, що є вже переклад українською «Замахана жінка в розквіті літ». відео в інстаграмі прикольні. загалом сподобалась книга: легко, просто і весело написана. в багатьох моментах впізнаю себе. хоча, наприклад, на відкритий шлюб я не наважилась — то надто складно для мене і напряжно. і в Непал би не поїхала. а от на тиждень у Хорватію чи Чорногорію від своїх хлопців би рванула :))
August 15, 2021
If you like people who encourage divorce and the likes this is for you
I started out liking this book but as I got to her discussing getting divorced and going outside her marriage for sex I was immediately turned off. It's sad that she's an influence to anyone. I wouldn't recommend this trash to anyone. 200 plus pages of complaining. NO thank you.
I started out liking this book but as I got to her discussing getting divorced and going outside her marriage for sex I was immediately turned off. It's sad that she's an influence to anyone. I wouldn't recommend this trash to anyone. 200 plus pages of complaining. NO thank you.
August 6, 2020
I was interested to learn about her upbringing in Israel to a Jewish father and Irish mother , but after she moved to the UK she became basically uninteresting. A self indulgent writer who should have stuck to the 12 second insta videos she became known for.
June 2, 2020
She is funny online. book was not very good at all. bounced around way to much from topic to topic. the flow was horrible
January 7, 2021
“It’s funny how we can live our whole lives not thinking about our mortality, even though our death is the one and only certain thing about life. The thought that I was not going to live forever and that it was my responsibility to live my life to the absolute fullest NOW was the trigger; it was the reminder I needed to get me moving and, in many ways, I think the core.”
Tova Leigh’s health scare served as the wake up call she needed to revitalize her life. She examined her roles as blogger, wife, and mother, and developed a bucket list, which included a risqué photo shoot, pole dancing lessons, exotic excursions with friends, and a journey to the base camp of Mount Everest.
Her book is more of a memoir than a self help book, but her improved approach to life is none the less inspiring. She stopped worrying about the way her post-post pregnancy body looked and being the perfect mom, instead focusing on rejuvenating her relationship with her husband, spending quality time with her kids, finding time for friends, and using her blog to share her journey. I particularly liked the section on her trip to Nepal and her conviction that she wouldn’t survive the trip, but she needed the experience.
I like how Leigh shares her personal stories in a frank manner, including her relationship with her parents, her husband, her brother, and the pressure she felt as a parent and as an internet celebrity. She does not mention her entire bucket list as she plans to write a follow-up book about relationships. She likens her experience to a midlife crisis that resulted in a new mindset.
For me, the book was a quick, positive, and worthwhile read that had me revisiting my own bucket list.
Tova Leigh’s health scare served as the wake up call she needed to revitalize her life. She examined her roles as blogger, wife, and mother, and developed a bucket list, which included a risqué photo shoot, pole dancing lessons, exotic excursions with friends, and a journey to the base camp of Mount Everest.
Her book is more of a memoir than a self help book, but her improved approach to life is none the less inspiring. She stopped worrying about the way her post-post pregnancy body looked and being the perfect mom, instead focusing on rejuvenating her relationship with her husband, spending quality time with her kids, finding time for friends, and using her blog to share her journey. I particularly liked the section on her trip to Nepal and her conviction that she wouldn’t survive the trip, but she needed the experience.
I like how Leigh shares her personal stories in a frank manner, including her relationship with her parents, her husband, her brother, and the pressure she felt as a parent and as an internet celebrity. She does not mention her entire bucket list as she plans to write a follow-up book about relationships. She likens her experience to a midlife crisis that resulted in a new mindset.
For me, the book was a quick, positive, and worthwhile read that had me revisiting my own bucket list.
June 10, 2022
I'm a big fan of Tova Leigh on social media - I love her authenticity and approach to difficult-to-discuss topics as well as her good humour. She is a beacon of self-acceptance and positivity.
I had quite high hopes for this book but it didn't grab me as I'd hoped. This might be to do with the book's structure - it felt like it flitted from topic to topic quite quickly without going in-depth on any single topic and I couldn't figure out what the focus or overall theme was.
It was great to read about Tova Leigh's past and some of the connections she made between her earlier experiences and current experiences. I also loved getting tiny glimpses of 'The Crisis' (or rather, the Crisis bucket list) and wished there had been more of a focus on that. I don't know whether a lot was left out of this book intentionally so it was short and snappy (it very much does feel like a collection of blog posts) or whether it's because there are areas Tova Leigh didn't want to explore publically which is absolutely understandable but I have so many questions!
If you read this book and enjoyed the writing style, you might also enjoy books/articles by Laura Bates as she has a similar approach to discussing feminism, female sexuality, and gender politics (i.e. with frankness, positivity, sisterhood, and a lot of humour).
I had quite high hopes for this book but it didn't grab me as I'd hoped. This might be to do with the book's structure - it felt like it flitted from topic to topic quite quickly without going in-depth on any single topic and I couldn't figure out what the focus or overall theme was.
It was great to read about Tova Leigh's past and some of the connections she made between her earlier experiences and current experiences. I also loved getting tiny glimpses of 'The Crisis' (or rather, the Crisis bucket list) and wished there had been more of a focus on that. I don't know whether a lot was left out of this book intentionally so it was short and snappy (it very much does feel like a collection of blog posts) or whether it's because there are areas Tova Leigh didn't want to explore publically which is absolutely understandable but I have so many questions!
If you read this book and enjoyed the writing style, you might also enjoy books/articles by Laura Bates as she has a similar approach to discussing feminism, female sexuality, and gender politics (i.e. with frankness, positivity, sisterhood, and a lot of humour).
June 7, 2020
Voor het eerst in tijden lees ik een boek in het Engels. Gelukkig volg ik Tova al een tijdje op Facebook en ken ik haar stijl. Dezelfde no nonsens stijl als online staat zwart op wit in dit boek. Het was wat ik even nodig had. Misschien lees ik het nog wel eens omdat ik het nodig heb. Zo fijn dat ze haar 40crisis deelt. Mijn 40 is in zicht al moet ik nog een jaar 39 zijn. Ik herinner me mijn moeder die een paar jaar achter elkaar 39 werd. Nu vraag ik me af of ze tegen hetzelfde aanliep als zoveel vrouwen van rond de 40. Tova vindt daar onbeschaamd directe woorden voor. Op levensstijl ben ik het met haar oneens en dat kan en mag, maar op zoveel dingen die ze zegt/schrijft/filmt kan ik me er uitstekend in vinden. Bedankt Tova om je woorden niet alleen online te delen maar ook in dit boek. Ik hoop dat er nog een boek komt. Maar voor nu is deze genoeg. Thank you.
September 12, 2021
This was such a honest, raw and fierce book. There was no stone left unturned. This memoir is about being a women and all that entails with a high concentration on motherhood. She argues ( I agree 100 %) that the tittle of mom overtakes all the other facets that makes us who we are. The fact that she just turned 40 is the cherry on the top and in the face of her own immortality, she is fed up with everything and has a crisis. She will take the reader along her journey that is her life and show us her high, lows, and her inner most private thoughts( you know the ones you keep to yourself because you afraid someone will judge you) in a funny and sarcastic way. Reading this book made feel validated, I had more or less the same thoughts of course she is a lot more eloquent in detailing them. Highly recommended,
5 stars.
5 stars.
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