A Slap in the Face: Why Insults Hurt -And Why They Shouldn't

by William B. Irvine, Johnny Heller (Narrator)

Insults are part of the fabric of daily life. But why do we insult each other? Why do insults cause us such pain? Can we do anything to prevent or lessen this pain? Most importantly, how can we overcome our inclination to insult others?

In 'A SLAP IN THE FACE', William Irvine undertakes a wide-ranging investigation of insults, their history, the role they play in social relationships, and the science behind them. He examines not just memorable zingers, such as Elizabeth Bowen's description of Aldous Huxley as "The stupid person's idea of a clever person," but subtle insults as well, such as when someone insults us by reporting the insulting things others have said about us: "I never read bad reviews about myself," wrote entertainer Oscar Levant, "because my best friends invariably tell me about them." Irvine also considers the role insults play in our society: they can be used to cement relations, as when a woman playfully teases her husband, or to enforce a social hierarchy, as when a boss publicly berates an employee. He goes on to investigate the many ways society has tried to deal with insults-by adopting codes of politeness, for example, and outlawing hate speech-but concludes that the best way to deal with insults is to immunize ourselves against them: We need to transform ourselves in the manner recommended by Stoic philosophers. We should, more precisely, become insult pacifists, trying hard not to insult others and laughing off their attempts to insult us.




RUNNING TIME ➜ 5hrs. and 53mins.

©2013 William B. Irvine (P)2018 Tantor

Genres: Philosophy, Nonfiction, Psychology, Audiobook, Self Help, Sociology, History

Audible Audio

First published March 1, 2013

About the author

William B Irvine is professor of philosophy at Wright State University. The author of seven books, including A Guide to the Good Life, he has also written for the Huffington Post, Salon, Time, and the BBC. He lives in Dayton, Ohio.

Reviews

[Paul A. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is timely; millions of American voters have just elected someone who insulted his way into the presidency. One can only expect the epidemic of insulting and hateful behavior to increase.

We don't have to add to it. The goal of stoicism is virtue -- living a good life and the reduction of suffering (especially the kind we impose on ourselves). This is not a book about how to zing back when we are insulted, because to zing back violates the goal of stoicism. How to not retaliate, when retaliation brings immediate (but short-lived) satisfaction -- Become an insult pacifist. It will be better for you in the long run.

However, to become an insult pacifist you have to become a praise pacifist. Craving praise is self-defeating. This is where Irvine shines: He manages to succinctly make a case for getting off the social hierarchy treadmill. As he says, "People place great value on other people's opinions of them. Insults hurt so much because they are reminders that our social standing is not as high as we would like it to be." But what if we don't care about our social standing? What if we realize that social standing is an artificial construct? If we have chosen the right values, insults can't harm us. Don't try to control things over which we have little or no control, such as other people's opinions of us. Spend time, instead, on choosing to do good and virtuous things. This leads to tranquility.

I recommend that you read this book in tandem with Irvine's A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy.

[Mad Hab · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first came to know of Irvine while listening to him on the Waking Up app. Subsequently, I bought his book and loved it. The book serves a dual purpose: it teaches you how to respond to insults without being hurt, and how to deliver insults that cause significant harm. The choice is yours.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the most useful book I have read so far. It has given me a history, vocabulary and structure with practical examples for how to understand human behavior and how to live a better life. I found my Scientology, my Zen. Irvine rationally illustrates with history and philosophy (mostly Stoics), science (biology and evolution) and insight. I am not a student of philosophy so I am undoubtedly putting too much pressure on this book. I assume others have made some of his points but this book sure wrapped things up neatly for me. I had long been suspicious of the "social hierarchy game" and wasn't always sure when I was playing along or what a negative hold it had on me. I knew social media encouraged and amplified this game but was also queasily attracted to it. I have been suspicious of flattery, PC tyrants, insults and people who want to radically change human behavior to fit their vision. Furthermore, I have been fretting away about our rotting culture, bad actors worldwide, our sclerotic national politics and my children's future. Finally, I knew I couldn't change these things and it was freaking me out. But I can change myself. I have identifiable internal values to live by. Irvine's remedy for living well is all about that. As Navy Seal, Mark Owen's, rock climbing coach reminds him, "Stay within your 3-foot world". In other words, control what you can control. Highly recommended for all humans. Makes a great stocking stuffer!

[Tariq Mahmood · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's a completely different approach to handling insults. The ideal way is not to dish out any insults or react to any insults directed your way, in a robot type manner even if you are left seething inside wor weeks. The book first details every type of insult we are likely to face; which left me even more vulnerable than before as I not aware of so many types; but then I was given very rational and practical guidelines in dealing with every conceivable type of insults out there. The stoic approach work to handle insults seems very modern when coupled with evolutionary behavior science. Values are changing with changing times, they are depended on the type of society we find ourselves in, as well as the times we live in. The behavior of 'insulting' made sense when man was striving to survive in tribes against the elements, but completely defunct in our age where even the most anti-social person can still survive without starving.

The book is a great addition to revolutionary thinking.

[Jennifer Campaniolo · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some good examples of stinging insults and clever repartee but this was not meant to be a guide to insults as much as an examination of them. The author could be a bit too didactic, with a lot of sentences starting with, "And now we will examine..." and "As you will see in Chapter..." etc, which made the text less of a popular read and more like a textbook. Still, it's the first book of its kind that I've read, and I enjoyed Irvine's anecdotes of his own trials with giving and fending off insults. Like it or not, as long as we are invested in the struggle for dominance on the social hierarchy, we will have to deal with insults. Praise those who can remain insult pacifists!

[Hlyan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Both psychological and philosophical, in-depth account of insults: what an insult is, what the different types of insults are, why insults hurt, and yet why we insult others, and finally how to respond to insults (and also to praises) both externally and internally.

Right from the beginning, you will notice that this book is well-researched and practical. I find it really worth-reading. I'm sure this book will have a great influence on how I interact with other people.

[Evan Schneider · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book that was truly eye opening. Definitely gave me a new way of looking at insults and they are dished out in the first place. Also, it provided insight on how to deal with them and how living my life with different priorities and values is the primary way to avoid getting my feelings hurt from insults.

[Gary · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. I refer this to everyone who has to deal with egotistical jerks, whether the passive aggressors or just the critical “for no apparent reason”.

Will certainly be given this another read in the future.

[E.S. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm going to use the advice from this book. I will wait for a patron to insult me at work...

[Chelsea Duncan · Rating 2 out of 5]

A slap in the face of wisdom and decency.
Hate to review so lowly but this book absolutely infuriated me! The suggestions that are made in terms of handling insults (after a solid few chapters of unnecessarily telling us what insults are and different examples of them) are appalling. They would even be laughable if the author wasn't being sincere. Throughout the book he advocates self deprecation as the number one way to handle insults - which, quite frankly, is both a mental health problem waiting to happen, and like stabbing yourself just to save your enemy the bother. It's absurd!
He also did the classic Bible misinterpretation of the eye for an eye tooth for a tooth scripture, as a justification of finding a way to undermine or retaliate harshly to an insulter. And suggested that we ought to try to learn witty comebacks that embarrass them, really just to put them down in order to lift ourselves higher. The author also agreed with the stoic principle of never giving or accepting praise, which personally I believe is toxic and very unloving to both parties. I fundamentally disagreed with much of the author's opinions in this book, and he seemed to be very keen on blowing his own trumpet - both in what he said to his students and to us as readers.
That being said, I liked the inclusion of many quotes and examples of the principles of Stoicism, many of which I'd never heard of. Also the author did concede that the pacifistic route - essentially turning the other cheek to an insult and not paying back in kind - was both an effective and noteworthy response.
Overall I would say that you should take this book with a whole handful of salt and, for your emotional health, I wouldn't recommend following the author's advice on dealing with insults. You are valuable and special, people, life's hard enough without hating on yourself!

[Yasmin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Había análisis redundantes que no servían para las principales conclusiones. Sin embargo, sí había partes interesantes, por lo que vale la pena darle una oportunidad.

[Cindy Li · Rating 4 out of 5]

Parts 1 and 2 about the psychology of insults and different types of insults were mid, but part 3 about the Stoic philosophy response to insults and praise was fantastic (would recommend). It conceptualized insults and praise within the fabric of the “social status game” which was a new way of looking at things to me.

His logic is: we often (more commonly than we think) use insults or self praise with others, we do this because of an ingrained evolutionary advantage of status seeking, however playing the status game is not a value we want to uphold, as it does not lead to a life of meaning and happiness - there are other things we want to value (and it’s important to reflect on what these values are rather just accepting the ones we are evolutionarily ingrained to value). Further, by rejecting the social status game as a value, you can use that to deal with insults as insults won’t matter to you. Rather than seeking a cure for the pain of insults, preventing insults as a society (safe spaces, PC, etc), this allows us to dig at the reason why insults are painful in the first place (because we value social status).

This makes me reflect on our heavy use of social media, as when we post we usually use it as subtle means of self promotion disguised as attempts to keep in touch with friends. Continuing this use just reinforces the value of social status.

Also loved the idea of searching for the grains of truth from insults of our enemies, as they know our weaknesses better than anyone.

Overall William Irvine’s books are fantastic for contextualizing Stoicism into everyday modern life - philosophies to live a good life!

Quotes:
“Therefore, if our goal is to have a good and meaningful life, we will periodically take steps to override our evolutionary programming. We will restrain ourselves from doing things that would be pleasurable, such as having a bowl of ice cream when we are on a diet; we will also force ourselves to do things that are unpleasant, such as swallowing a bitter-tasting medicine. A person who is unwilling or unable to override extensive portions of his evolutionary programming will be unlikely to live the life of his own choosing. He will instead become a slave to pleasure, assiduously seeking to do whatever feels good and avoid doing whatever feels bad”

“IF STOIC PHILOSOPHER Epictetus had been alive to watch the rise of hate speech laws and, more generally, the political correctness movement, he would have shaken his head in disbelief. According to him, the best way to spare people the pain of being insulted is not to change the world so that they never experience insults; it is instead to change people so that they are, in effect, immune to insults. And, Epictetus would add, until they change themselves in this manner, they will have little chance at happiness.
Some people, on hearing this, might reply that Epictetus wouldn’t be talking this way if he were a member of a disadvantaged group—if, for example, he were the descendant of slaves or if he had a physical handicap. The problem with this reply is that Epictetus was both lame and a slave. It is therefore conceivable that we moderns—and in particular, the advocates of political correctness—can gain some important insights into how best to deal with insults by studying Epictetus and the other Stoic philosophers.”

“Those who formulated the PC code soon made an interesting discovery. They advised us to call someone in a wheelchair handicapped rather than crippled because some of those we called crippled would take it as an insult. The problem is that by focusing people’s attention on what others called them, they sensitized people to insults. Indeed, before long, the terms sanctioned by the PC code themselves started sounding like insults: in particular, some of those in wheelchairs started to resent being called handicapped. As a result, the guardians of the PC code were forced to come up with a new term to replace handicapped. They settled on disabled, only to discover, once again, that this failed to mollify those to whom they wished to apply the word. As a result, they jettisoned disabled in favor of differently abled—and for all I know, even this last term has fallen out of favor. All it takes is for someone, somewhere to object to the adjective the PC code has assigned to him, and the search for the perfect euphemism must begin anew.”

“IT IS UNUSUAL FOR PEOPLE to acquire their values through a process of careful reflection. Instead, they tend to take the easy way out and adopt whatever values those around them have adopted. And how did those around them choose their values? Probably by listening to their evolutionary programming. It rewards them for doing some things—having sex, for example, or gaining social status—and punishes them for doing other things. But this evolutionary programming, as we have seen, is not concerned with their having a happy and meaningful life; it is instead concerned with encouraging them to do things that, on the savannas of Africa 100,000 years ago, would have increased their chances of surviving and reproducing.
But we in developed nations are in a radically different environment than that of our evolutionary ancestors. As a result, we have the luxury of having as our goal not merely surviving and reproducing, but living a life that is both happy and meaningful. If we are to achieve this goal, though, we will have to take steps to circumvent, to some extent, our evolutionary programming: we will sometimes have to forgo opportunities for pleasure, and we will sometimes have to take steps to circumvent, to some extent, our evolutionary programming.”

“If, however, we adopt the values of the people around us, and if these people, because they are reluctant to examine the values by which they live, have chosen the wrong values, it means that we, too, will end up choosing the wrong values. We will, as a result, find ourselves joining the masses in their pursuit of fame and fortune. Doing this will win their approval, but will also jeopardize our chance of having a good and meaningful life. This, I think, is why the Stoic philosopher Epictetus warns us that “if people think you amount to something, distrust yourself.”2
The Stoics thought they had a solution for this predicament. If we are to have a good life, we need to live in accordance with the proper values. At the same time, though, we need to take steps to inure ourselves to the insults that doing this will likely trigger. Let us now take a closer look at how the Stoics thought we could accomplish this.
IF SOMEONE HURTS US by insulting us, say the Stoics, we have only ourselves to blame. If we have chosen the proper values, an insult can do us no real harm—it cannot, that is, deprive us of anything that is genuinely valuable. (It can deprive us, of course, of social status, but as we have seen, the Stoics don’t think this is valuable.)”

“But a man who is thoughtful and sensible—as a philosopher should be—is disturbed by none of these things. He believes that the shame comes not in being insulted but in behaving in an insulting manner.”3
An insult can cause us pain, say the Stoics, only if we believe it has harmed us: “Remember,” says Epictetus, “that what is insulting is not the person who abuses you or hits you, but the judgment about them that they are insulting.”4 He adds that “another person will not do you harm unless you wish it; you will be harmed at just that time at which you take yourself to be harmed.”5 But if we choose the proper values, an insult cannot do us any real harm. In particular, an insult cannot turn a person who is good, in the Stoic sense of the word, into a person who is bad. Keeping this in mind, the Stoics think, can deprive insults of their sting.
More generally, the Stoics think we are foolish to spend our days, as many people do, trying to control things over which we have little or no control. Do this, and we are bound to become deeply frustrated. One of the things over which we have little control, though, is what other people think of us. Even if we are extraordinarily nice to them—even if we give them a job, money for a car, and one of our kidneys—they might despise us. Consequently, if we spend our days trying to make others admire us, we are likely to experience considerable anxiety and little happiness.
We would do well, say the Stoics, to take the time and energy we might have spent seeking social status and instead spend it on something over which we have considerable control—namely, on choosing the correct values and living in accordance with them. We may not have it in our power to become someone who is loved and admired by all, but we do have it in our power to develop certain exemplary character traits—to become, for example, magnanimous, temperate, just, and courageous. As Marcus Aurelius—who, besides being a Stoic philosopher, happened to be a Roman emperor—reminds us, even though we don’t have it in our power to stop others from sneering at us, we do have it in our power to do nothing that deserves a sneer.6”

“What, readers will naturally wonder, is wrong with pursuing social status and affluence? The problem is that we humans are evolutionarily programmed to be insatiable: our evolutionary ancestors who always craved more food, better housing, and a higher position on the social hierarchy were more likely to survive and reproduce than those who were easily satisfied in these matters. This means that if we pursue social status and affluence, we will go through life dissatisfied with what we have. We will continually believe that if only we had more—a bit more social status, a bit bigger house—we would live happily ever after. We will therefore work hard, or at least scheme extensively, to get that bit more. If we fail to get it, we will feel frustrated; if we succeed in getting it, we will soon take our gains for granted and will again feel frustrated.”

“But what if someone’s remarks about us are obviously motivated by malice? What if she has declared herself to be our enemy? Even under these circumstances, the Stoic will pause, in the process of dismissing his enemy’s insults, to search them for grains of truth. The Stoics were, after all, intellectual descendants of the Cynics, and it was the Cynic philosopher Antisthenes who recommended that we pay attention to our enemies, inasmuch as they will usually be the first to discover our mistakes.18 By way of contrast, our friends tend to look for what is good about us and tell us things we want to hear. Thus, the comments of our enemies, though no fun to hear, can be rather more useful to us than the comments of our friends—if, at any rate, our goal is self-improvement. Our friends will help us hide from ourselves; our enemies won’t.”

[Margarita Garova · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insults are inevitable part of life, and whether we are the ones who inflict them onto others or are the addressees of such, we need to understand the subtle workings of insults so that we can best deal with them. How do we do that? William B. Irvine goes back in time to explore the history of insults, some very prominent insultors and suggests that people with insulting tendencies are the ones who feel that their place in the social hierarchy is threatened. Conversely, if we feel hurt by an insult we do so because we think that this will undermine our social standing. Why do we care about social standing in the first place? Well, because, according to Irvine and the ancient stoics, we place importance on the wrong values. We care too much about fame (in the broad sense) and affluence thus we get eroded by any potential or perceived threat to our social status. He comes up with useful techniques with the help of which we can achieve the desired effect of not feeling insulted and not feeling the need to insult others. It is easier said than done but at least one should try as the benefits outweigh the cons.

[Gary Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

I finally forced my way through this one. It wasn't pleasant, emotionally, because I kept being reminded of times that I have been insulted & then didn't handle it well enough for my well-being. I am sensitive to social rejection & just not 'wealthy' enough (in strong secure self-esteem/self-image) to afford letting others have fun at my expense. "People who may over-respond to cues that connote acceptance/inclusion & rejection/exclusion can usually be tracked back to unstable sociometers."

Like the author writes: "We all have a need to project our self-image & to have other people accept this image & support it."

SO...the next time someone insults me, I hope I remember this books suggestions for best responses:

"Why did you say that?"
"Whatev."
"What makes you think I care what you think about me?"
"Sorry, but I don't do insults."
"To be perfectly honest with you - this failing of mine wouldn't even make it onto my own top 5 list of personal short comings."

I liked how the author also reminded us that an insult cannot turn a person who is good into a person who is bad. Be a good person & make it clear that by being noncombatant - future insults will probably only be wasted on you & thus should be saved in the future for real social rivals. Temperateness, justness & doing nothing to something that deserves a sneer are all exemplary character traits.

[Steven · Rating 2 out of 5]

Geez -- what does it say about me that I gave a book about insults two stars? I can't say I liked it, but it was okay. There's good information here -- just maybe not a book's worth?

I remember enjoying Irvine's A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy . I'm thinking that this current book is more of an expansion of one part of his previous one. In this go-round, I found the latter parts of the book, which discuss responses to insults, much more interesting that the first part of the book, which categorizes the types of insults. I understand that, as a philosopher, it's important to cover all the bases, but I found the early section to be dry, bordering on pedantic.

Still, I liked how he tied the theme of insults back into Stoicism. I needed to be reminded of the Stoics' approach to life. So simple and yet so difficult to follow!

[Miguel Sanchez Ruiz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Irvine nos habla acerca del papel que juegan los insultos en las relaciones interpersonales y como estamos programados para reaccionar a cierto tipos de estímulos.
Nos habla de todo tipo de insultos, como juegan estos en nuestras relaciones e incluso, cual es el futuro de los mismos.

[Brian · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book sets out to the philosophical task of defining insults, from benign teasing to maleficent backbiting to direct humiliation. It does so with a variety of anecdotal and historical examples, as well as current events. The structure of the book, in fact, is first, to spend several chapters defining and refining what the author means by “insults,” then second, to discuss how we might respond to insults, more specifically, how to employ the Stoic philosophical strategy (spoiler: it’s not to get better at witty repartees or to practice pre-emptive insulting).

I wanted to read this book, I *really* wanted to read this book—I think insults are an interesting subject, and if you’re studying the philosophy of anger, then you’re studying insults too. However, this book had some major issues that turned me off and made me wary of the arguments being made.

The first issue was the structure of the book. While I completely recognize and appreciate the philosophical tradition and importance of clearly defining a category (what is a ball? What is a person?) for the purposes of clear discussion, debate, and developing a praxis regarding the term (how should I respond to these things we’ve defined as insults?) the amount of anecdotal examples stopped adding to the definitive task and started only to bloat the page count. I found myself wanting to know as little about the author as possible, only to be thwarted by each new example. This isn’t a unique flaw—most pop-philosophy or pop-think-piece books do this—I guess I was just hoping this wasn’t a pop-philosophy book.

Second was an aesthetic/quality criticism … many of the anecdotes themselves were largely taken from the author’s life rather than researched, and the ones that were taken from current events often distracted from the point. He uses the example of a guy who, insulted by his girlfriend, marries her, has a baby with her, then kills the baby in order to get back at her. And he uses the example of the mother who faked a MySpace profile in order to mess with the head of her daughter’s ex-friend; the ex-friend subsequently killed herself. He uses these very tragic examples of humanity at its worst for their cheap shock value to illustrate a point which could be summarized as: “Insults can be serious, guys, and there’s no telling what will insult someone.”

The final nail in the coffin for me was his discussion of students being offended used as a tool to limit discussion in the university. It used to be that college was where free speech was protected, yada yada. He uses the term “political correctness” in a negative way, and then says, turn to chapter 10 for more discussion on this topic. This was a clear, you’re-either-with-me-or-not moment, and I was sooo not, so I closed the book.

I find “Political correctness” to be a coded term like “playing the race card” that serves to frame the debate surrounding traditionally dominated and devalued classes of people speaking out against their domination and demanding respect and to be listened to and believed. It is a categorical dismissal. It is a red flag that says, I belong to a privileged class, and I don’t like these uppity so-and-sos threatening my privilege with their lily-white sensitivity by telling me that I’m offending them or making them feel unsafe whenever I whip out my anal bestiality example in the classroom (Yes, the author uses an anal bestiality example to make some kind of point about jokes?!) While I understand that the author might have a valid argument for the subject at hand—insults—he’s lost credibility and respect with me, so I’d much rather go to someone else for an explanation.

I couldn't summarize the book better than Sam Leith at the Guardian, who wrote: “All in all this is a pretty feeble book, and its author is a bit of a drongo.”

https://www.theguardian.com/books/201...

[Jeremy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Big Ideas:

+ Evolutionary biology explains why insults happen and why they bother us
- We evolved to be highly aware of our social standing, because our position in the social hierarchy affected how many resources we could acquire and, therefore, how likely we were to pass on our genes
- Those who were more socially aware and who used insults to jockey for position in the group reproduced more effectively and passed on their insulting genes
- Feeling pain when being insulted made our ancestors more likely to respond behaviorally to insults and this strategy succeeded, so these repartee genes were passed on


+ We can overcome our genetic inheritance and learn to be less affected by insults and less compelled to use them
- We are genetically programmed to seek social status and prestige, not happiness. What is good for reproduction is not necessarily good for individual contentment: “We did not evolve so that our chances of having a good and meaningful life would be maximized. Indeed, the evolutionary process is utterly indifferent to the quality of our life. All that matters, as far as evolution is concerned, is that creatures be likely to survive and reproduce, perhaps in misery.” (140-41)


+ A fragile self-image combined with high self esteem leads to narcissism
- This is rampant in our current society because educators and parents have focused on self-esteem without giving kids honest feedback, both positive and negative, so they can develop a realistic and stable self-image. Kids were told they were great and special no matter what they did, and internally they knew this wasn’t really true, so their self-image suffered, even though their self-esteem was high
- Now we have a generation of people over-sensitive to insults who would rather focus on preventing them than learning how to deal with them effectively, hence we have hate speech laws and terms like microaggressions


+ The best response to an insult is self-deprecating humor
- The second best response is no response at all
- It is important to couple this outward apathy with true internal equanimity. We do this by refusing to play the social hierarchy game and focusing instead on internal values like courage, honesty, compassion, and wisdom

[Neil H · Rating 4 out of 5]

A highly readable short book. In this, we look at the varied manifestations of insults, overt, covert, implied etc... How and in what occasions the sin is done. If its meant to deal first blow to undermine others and uplift oneself or as a reciprocal response to a slight offered by others. How in certain situations an insult takes more of a grander pain exacerbated by social or peerage presence. In the later parts of the books, we are offered ways to respond to insults and what are the slingshots we could fire back. The last few chapters then reveals the way forward to extract oneself from the pain of being insulted and to insult is to examine the fundamental values we hold regarding social hierarchy and our place within it. How we can help ourselves by not churning in the self promotion and self defense of slights received.

As in the rest of the book, the stoics resolves not to engage in tit for tat and the author advises us that this is perhaps the best way. I did however have constant flashes of mindfulness working in tandem with the efforts offered here. In my mind, what we suffer are a lack of perspectives, engaging in self presentation and self preservation. And to get to that requires not just an engagement with minding the flinging of insults but to holistically engage in improvements and with mediations and mindfulness we can slowly assume a better self and firmer values.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think I’ve been practicing “insult pacifism,” imperfectly, since childhood, trying to cope with bullies. I still remember the bemused look on a classmate’s face as I tried to talk about weekend plans over the insults another classmate was trying to hurl at me. Acting as though it wasn’t happening and had no effect on me has always been my default position. I still don’t like to acknowledge insults and I rarely ever make them myself. I don’t do insults.

Which is partly why I wanted to read this book. I don’t do insults, but they still get to me. I’m acutely sensitive to them, actually. I just work hard at pretending not to be.

The end section on how to keep from being hurt by insults made me much more aware of how much I do care about “fame and fortune” as a value, generally. I get caught up thinking about the respect I feel I’m owed due to how long I’ve worked somewhere, the amount of effort I’ve expended, the expertise I’ve acquired and perfected. It’s like I’m always on the lookout for potential lapses in the appropriate level of respect. This is really just a terrible way to be. I don’t know if I can give up this attitude entirely, but I think being aware of it helps.

I appreciate that this approach is generally encouraged by the writer, too. Be aware of the things you say and do, the impact you may have on yourself and others. That alone can make a difference.

[Chris Boutté · Rating 5 out of 5]

I fell in love with William B. Irvine’s books on stoicism, so I wanted to check out some of his other books. This book and one or two others he has are quite different than ones on stoicism, but I thought I’d check it out. This book wasn’t nearly as good as his others, but it’s still a great book. William is a curious guy and deep thinker, so it was interesting seeing him dive into all of the nuances and aspects of insults. He discusses the different forms of insults, why we or others do it, how they affect us, and how to defend against them. He discusses the evolutionary psychology behind the topic and much more. Towards the end, he dives into some stoicism when he starts discussing how we defend against them, and that was definitely interesting, and there are good tools and tips throughout. If you have a lot of sh*t talkers in your life or want to know why you can’t stop yourself from blatantly or passively insulting people, definitely grab this book. Or, if you’re just interested in reading about why people insult others, it’s a great read as well.

[Evan Micheals · Rating 3 out of 5]

William B Irvine’s A Guide to a Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy remains the best book on practical Stoicism I have read (and reread). I am working my way through his other books. A Slap in the Face is an investigation of the phenomena of insults.

According to Irvine, almost anything can be taken as an insult, whether intentional or not. Some insults are design to hurt, and some designed to build rapport (some people will only insult people they love). He describes the nature of insults. He then discusses how one might respond to insults; becoming an insult pacifist or connoisseur of insults, leading us towards his favoured Stoicism. He encourages the development of character that makes one impervious to insults.

I found the book useful in reinforcing what I already know and work to practice. This did not blow my mind as A Guide to a Good Life did. It is short (the foot notes are longer than the book). I will continue to read his other work over the coming years.

[Kara of BookishBytes · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first half of the book largely focuses on historical insults and how the recipients responded to them, with plenty of examples of witty comebacks.

The second half is focused on how we can individually be resilient in the face of insults and not let them affect us. The author also discusses the power dynamics of bullying and insulting others. As a parent, I thought there were some good points to make to kids about diffusing tense situations (play dumb, ask the bully to explain what the insult means, ask the bully to explain why the insult is funny, etc.)

In our society in which people feel comfortable insulting others on a whim and in which people feel affronted easily, this book felt pleasantly rational.

[Raj · Rating 5 out of 5]

Part 3 (Chapter 9 to 12) of this book is very important as it says how to deal with insults, William B. Irvine referred Stoic concepts like insult pacifism to deal with insults. (Part 1 & 2 mostly concentrated on how to identify insults, some references and examples and how it can damage a individual and a community)

I came to know regarding this book by below articles/conversations -

https://modernstoicism.com/how-would-...
https://modernstoicism.com/stoics-do-...
https://modernstoicism.com/insult-pac...

[Jonathan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Light hearted and humorous take on the meaning of insults as seen through the prism of the authors love of Stoic philosophy: Insults won’t hurt us if we don’t care about what people think of us, on the other side we should take compliments with the same pinch of salt. Insults sting because they are about silly things like status and hierarchy which are essentially meaningless with a proper Stoic outlook. Best way to defuse insults? Ignore them which is surprisingly powerful and useful for all situations because the insulter is flummoxed.

[Charles Eliot · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author is a professor of philosophy, specializing in the Stoic philosophers, so the treatment of how the Stoics approached insults is confident and compelling. Much of the rest of the book, however, is airy conjecture. (For example: I'm pretty sure evolution has not fitted us out with a built-in "sociometer".) You'll be on the right track if you think of this as yet another self-help book, with the welcome twist that it's informed by the writings of Marcus Aurelius!

[Shannon Enloe · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you want to learn why we are the way we are or how to be a better person (or a better asshole) then you can utilize this book in many different ways. This was super interesting and eye opening to dive into! A fun out of the box read. Educational and informative but also a good self help or instructional on being a better sly narcissist haha It’s a dangerous thing being educated in such matters whether you want to use it for good or evil.

[Gunn-Berit Sæter · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fascinating introduction with great examples that really caught my interest. The middle part, however, I struggled to get through. Too many pages of “suppose this and that”. And then, to my great relief, a very interesting ending with an enlightening discussion about insults, praise and the social hierarchy. And - importantly, how to deal with it.

[Pali · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall good book and read. Fits into my expectation how to handle insults in a Stoic way. Includes practical tips, has loads of small in between lines jokes or anecdotes that I enjoyed. Reason I gave it “only” 3 stars is because in 1/3 or more of the book describes how insults are categorized in vast detail in various categories and to me this was a boring part. I still recommend this book.

[Stefan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I guess it's best to learn how to handle an insult from someone who is sensitive enough to write whole book on the subject. Definitely triggering some self-reflection and encourage to take insults like a stoic would do, disassociate from social hierarchy game, but.. what's one would be left with, meritocracy? ;-)
Worth a quick scan / listen