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Frank Burly #2
How I Conquered Your Planet
A comedy science fiction novel, featuring slow-witted detective Frank Burly. By John Swartzwelder, the author of "The Time Machine Did It", "Double Wonderful", and 59 episodes of The Simpsons.
158 pages, Paperback
First published April 1, 2006
41 people are currently reading
760 people want to read
About the author
John Swartzwelder
18 books313 followersJohn Joseph Swartzwelder Jr. is an American comedy writer and novelist, best known for his work on the animated television series The Simpsons. Born in Seattle, Washington, Swartzwelder began his career working in advertising. He was later hired to work on comedy series Saturday Night Live in the mid-1980s as a writer. He later contributed to fellow writer George Meyer's short-lived Army Man magazine, which led him to join the original writing team of The Simpsons, beginning in 1989.
He worked on The Simpsons as a writer and producer until 2003, and later contributed to The Simpsons Movie. He wrote the largest number of Simpsons episodes (59 full episodes, with contributions to several others) by a large margin. After his retirement from the show, he began a career as a writer of self-published absurdist novels. He has written more than a dozen novels, the most recent of which, The Spy with No Pants, was published in December 2020.
Swartzwelder is revered among comedy fans and his colleagues. He is known for his reclusiveness, and gave his first-ever interview in 2021, in The New Yorker. Per Mike Sacks, "Swartzwelder’s specialty on The Simpsons was conjuring dark characters from a strange, old America: banjo-playing hobos, cigarette-smoking ventriloquist dummies, nineteenth-century baseball players, rat-tailed carnival children, and pantsless, singing old-timers."
He worked on The Simpsons as a writer and producer until 2003, and later contributed to The Simpsons Movie. He wrote the largest number of Simpsons episodes (59 full episodes, with contributions to several others) by a large margin. After his retirement from the show, he began a career as a writer of self-published absurdist novels. He has written more than a dozen novels, the most recent of which, The Spy with No Pants, was published in December 2020.
Swartzwelder is revered among comedy fans and his colleagues. He is known for his reclusiveness, and gave his first-ever interview in 2021, in The New Yorker. Per Mike Sacks, "Swartzwelder’s specialty on The Simpsons was conjuring dark characters from a strange, old America: banjo-playing hobos, cigarette-smoking ventriloquist dummies, nineteenth-century baseball players, rat-tailed carnival children, and pantsless, singing old-timers."
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews
February 29, 2012
John Swartzwelder, notoriously reclusive Simpsons scribe, is known for penning some of that show's funniest and most culturally pointed episodes. He is capable of being absurd without succumbing to plot-driven idiocy and able to nestle high-brow-rising humor next to the goofiest of puns without skipping a beat. Few of the show's current writers can boast his kind of output, whether you're measuring it by episode or by how many gags he can fit into any given minute.
His books (four so far) don't try to follow coherency as much as his work on The Simpsons. Instead, he uses the medium as a forum for his stream-of-consciousness wise-cracking. Mass by volume, these slim tomes have the same silly density as his episodes, even if they sprawl ten times as much. For the most part, Swartzwelder sticks to the same basic formula that made his shows a success: a fat and idiotic central character gets into all manner of monkey-shines and comes out mostly unchanged. Instead of Homer, though, our main man is called Frank Burly.
THE TIME MACHINE DID IT
Frank Burly introduces us to his unlikely career as a private eye. Although his primary talents are screwing things up and getting beaten on a regular basis, he ends up with a fairly important case. A bum claims that he used to be a millionaire, but criminals with a time machine retroactively stole his wealth. Burly's in over his head (heck, this guy gets in over his head just trying to tie his shoes), but that doesn't stop him from barreling headfirst into the mystery and subsequently making it messier and harder to solve. Quickly written, hastily plotted, and genuinely funny, this is one of the few books I've ever read that's gotten me to laugh out-loud, and on a regular basis. 5 Stars. FAVORITE LINE: Frank Burly, on his imprisonment and torture by the criminals -- "I held up under all this pretty well. I was sleeping like a baby -- waking up every three hours screaming and crapping my pants."
DOUBLE WONDERFUL
Swartzwelder makes a mistake. Instead of one central character with the brains of a dusty cactus, he creates an entire town of them. The citizens of the Wild West town of Slackjaw are having economic troubles. Part of their problem is that the "wild" in their western town is missing; it's a pretty boring place, plus it exists in the shadows of the world-renowned Double Wonderful ranch, run by a wealthy couple who are so perfect, God owes them favors. They try desperately to bring fame and/or notoriety to their little corner of the world, but most of their ideas are pretty lame (encourage bandits to rob them, hang the mayor, etc.). They eventually get their wish, and it's mildly amusing, but the scattered scope of the story's lunacy and its slap-dash conclusion are pretty harried. You won't laugh as much as you'll roll your eyes. Not bad; not great. Notable mainly because the story's central theme (the horrifying price of fame) gives you some real clues as to why Mr. Swartzwelder himself so adamantly chooses to stay out of the spotlight. 3 Stars. MOST SELF-REFERENTIAL LINE: "...Buntline said that short books were the best selling kind ... That's what the reading public wanted in a book these days, he said. They wanted to get as close as possible to not reading at all."
HOW I CONQUERED YOUR PLANET
Swartzwelder, catching on, brings Frank Burly back to the fore. He's still a private detective, he's still pretty bad at it, and he's still stumbling backwards into strange cases (and sometimes plate glass windows). This time the case may have something to do with Martians. Or maybe it's Neptunians. They're both very similar, as far as aliens look, although it's harder to pronounce the word "Neptunians." While going about his daily routine of getting in the way of things, Frank ends up alienating (nyuk, nyuk) all sorts of planetary species. And, of course, he conquers your planet. Not as consistent as "Time Machine," but much sharper than "Double Wonderful." 4 Stars. FAVORITE LINE: Frank Burly, on his new alien secretary -- "...I discovered that I had hired a surprisingly dedicated secretary, who listened in on my phone calls, patted down my visitors, looked through my desk for me each morning before I got in, even appeared in my dreams taking notes."
THE EXPLODING DETECTIVE
Frank Burly's back, this time augmenting his act with a mostly-malfunctioning jetpack. His inability to steer is overshadowed, however, by his ability to withstand multiple explosive collisions, and he becomes something of a superhero. The new title doesn't fit him so well, because it requires that he get up before noon and commit all kinds of acts, most of them selfless and painful. He ends up getting involved in a battle against a super villain, a washed up James Bond type, and another time machine. Although this book is as funny as the previous, it makes it obvious that, while Burly's adventures through time and space are all well and good, Swartzwelder might do well to actually keep his gags confined to the realm of detective work. I doubt it took the man longer than a couple of days to write any of these books, but this is the first time I felt it really showed. 4 Stars. FAVORITE LINE: Frank Burly has infiltrated a Secret Club for Super Villains, searching for his would-be assassin -- "I continued around the room ... making it sound like I was a new member who was just making conversation. "Have you been trying to kill me?" I would ask, casually. "I'm just curious. Or we could talk about the weather, if you like. The weather's been trying to kill me too.'"
His books (four so far) don't try to follow coherency as much as his work on The Simpsons. Instead, he uses the medium as a forum for his stream-of-consciousness wise-cracking. Mass by volume, these slim tomes have the same silly density as his episodes, even if they sprawl ten times as much. For the most part, Swartzwelder sticks to the same basic formula that made his shows a success: a fat and idiotic central character gets into all manner of monkey-shines and comes out mostly unchanged. Instead of Homer, though, our main man is called Frank Burly.
THE TIME MACHINE DID IT
Frank Burly introduces us to his unlikely career as a private eye. Although his primary talents are screwing things up and getting beaten on a regular basis, he ends up with a fairly important case. A bum claims that he used to be a millionaire, but criminals with a time machine retroactively stole his wealth. Burly's in over his head (heck, this guy gets in over his head just trying to tie his shoes), but that doesn't stop him from barreling headfirst into the mystery and subsequently making it messier and harder to solve. Quickly written, hastily plotted, and genuinely funny, this is one of the few books I've ever read that's gotten me to laugh out-loud, and on a regular basis. 5 Stars. FAVORITE LINE: Frank Burly, on his imprisonment and torture by the criminals -- "I held up under all this pretty well. I was sleeping like a baby -- waking up every three hours screaming and crapping my pants."
DOUBLE WONDERFUL
Swartzwelder makes a mistake. Instead of one central character with the brains of a dusty cactus, he creates an entire town of them. The citizens of the Wild West town of Slackjaw are having economic troubles. Part of their problem is that the "wild" in their western town is missing; it's a pretty boring place, plus it exists in the shadows of the world-renowned Double Wonderful ranch, run by a wealthy couple who are so perfect, God owes them favors. They try desperately to bring fame and/or notoriety to their little corner of the world, but most of their ideas are pretty lame (encourage bandits to rob them, hang the mayor, etc.). They eventually get their wish, and it's mildly amusing, but the scattered scope of the story's lunacy and its slap-dash conclusion are pretty harried. You won't laugh as much as you'll roll your eyes. Not bad; not great. Notable mainly because the story's central theme (the horrifying price of fame) gives you some real clues as to why Mr. Swartzwelder himself so adamantly chooses to stay out of the spotlight. 3 Stars. MOST SELF-REFERENTIAL LINE: "...Buntline said that short books were the best selling kind ... That's what the reading public wanted in a book these days, he said. They wanted to get as close as possible to not reading at all."
HOW I CONQUERED YOUR PLANET
Swartzwelder, catching on, brings Frank Burly back to the fore. He's still a private detective, he's still pretty bad at it, and he's still stumbling backwards into strange cases (and sometimes plate glass windows). This time the case may have something to do with Martians. Or maybe it's Neptunians. They're both very similar, as far as aliens look, although it's harder to pronounce the word "Neptunians." While going about his daily routine of getting in the way of things, Frank ends up alienating (nyuk, nyuk) all sorts of planetary species. And, of course, he conquers your planet. Not as consistent as "Time Machine," but much sharper than "Double Wonderful." 4 Stars. FAVORITE LINE: Frank Burly, on his new alien secretary -- "...I discovered that I had hired a surprisingly dedicated secretary, who listened in on my phone calls, patted down my visitors, looked through my desk for me each morning before I got in, even appeared in my dreams taking notes."
THE EXPLODING DETECTIVE
Frank Burly's back, this time augmenting his act with a mostly-malfunctioning jetpack. His inability to steer is overshadowed, however, by his ability to withstand multiple explosive collisions, and he becomes something of a superhero. The new title doesn't fit him so well, because it requires that he get up before noon and commit all kinds of acts, most of them selfless and painful. He ends up getting involved in a battle against a super villain, a washed up James Bond type, and another time machine. Although this book is as funny as the previous, it makes it obvious that, while Burly's adventures through time and space are all well and good, Swartzwelder might do well to actually keep his gags confined to the realm of detective work. I doubt it took the man longer than a couple of days to write any of these books, but this is the first time I felt it really showed. 4 Stars. FAVORITE LINE: Frank Burly has infiltrated a Secret Club for Super Villains, searching for his would-be assassin -- "I continued around the room ... making it sound like I was a new member who was just making conversation. "Have you been trying to kill me?" I would ask, casually. "I'm just curious. Or we could talk about the weather, if you like. The weather's been trying to kill me too.'"
May 16, 2009
This was an hilarious read. I enjoy the dry humor and how the set up lines become the punch lines. This novel is full of the nonsensical throw away lines from The Simpsons that make you say "What the hell?" and then laugh and then ask what happened to your sandwich. See how I worked one of those lines in myself? Pretty brilliant, huh? Yeah, I didn't think so, either, but I'm not a comedy writer, so you can't expect brilliance. I mean, you could, but that would be pretty stupid of you, Zak.
November 22, 2011
It's basically Homer Simpson if he were a private detective and let loose in a science-fiction movie. Does that sound appealing to you? Then you should probably read this and, really, all of John Swartzwelder's books about Frank Burly.
November 9, 2021
the Burly plague will forever go down as one of earth's greatest adversities
July 1, 2009
This is one of a series of a sci-fi comedy series starring Frank Burly, a dimwitted detective. How I Conquered Your Planet is a laugh out loud quick read - one that could be finished in a sitting. This is not a book that will be required reading for high school students, but it is a book that people of all ages should read and enjoy.
When Martians take over Planet Earth, Frank Burly may not be the man you expect to save the day, but in How I Conquered Your Planet, Burly is the man. Twice. Using obvious observations that deserve chuckling, Swartzwelder brings a war of the worlds to life. Open to any page and start reading, you're bound to laugh. Swartzwelder is a superb comedy writer and any of his books are a welcomed and hilarious experience.
When Martians take over Planet Earth, Frank Burly may not be the man you expect to save the day, but in How I Conquered Your Planet, Burly is the man. Twice. Using obvious observations that deserve chuckling, Swartzwelder brings a war of the worlds to life. Open to any page and start reading, you're bound to laugh. Swartzwelder is a superb comedy writer and any of his books are a welcomed and hilarious experience.
September 21, 2010
Very entertaining and super dry. I love when the hero is an idiot and yet somehow accomplishes amazing feats...repeatedly. It read like if David Sedaris wrote an episode of Futurama. Totally worth the few hours, short book.
September 23, 2009
Imagine if Homer Simpson was a private detective in a sci-fi book... dense with jokes.
August 13, 2011
There is nothing like a book that makes you laugh out loud. Well done. I particularly enjoyed the references to 1984. Also Arthur Gremlin.
August 27, 2012
Fantastic, 150 pages, 150 jokes
June 12, 2013
So good. So funny. Can't wait to read the rest of these.
July 14, 2018
Absolutely hilarious and brilliant. I couldn’t stop giggling and I enjoyed every minute of reading it. Now I want to read all of Frank Burly’s hapless and eccentric adventures.
July 6, 2025
The Naked Gun meets The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
This is absolutely incredible.
I have always been intrigued by John Swartzelder, the mysterious writer from the golden age of The Simpsons.
For those who are not aware, John is considered by many to be one of the best tv comedy writers of all time, based on his legendary period working on the early years of The Simpsons. He has written 59 of the earlier season episodes, more than any other writer of the show.
Anyway, the reason I am intrigued by John is that I read a lot of stories about him being a reclusive person, who did not like to appear publicly, refused interviews (the first interview he ever gave was on 2021) and just wanted to be alone on his own enjoying what he likes. Since I am always interested in learning about people who stand outside the norm and once I learned that he wrote a lot of comedy books after his retreat, I decided that one day I would read them to see if those are good.
Boy, was I blown away by this! Every chapter brought me tons of laughter. His surreal comedy hits me right on the spot, with some quite sharp social critique (although in some very suble ways). Books like this one remind me that we humans are capable of such great art and that there is always something to laugh about on all aspects of life.
As for the plot, this books is about detective Frank Burly, an incompetent detective that is very self-aware about his competence but he still tries his best. It is very funny to see how people react to his shenanigans and the fact that this books is narrated from a first-person perspective where we have access to his thoughts makes it possible to have so many great jokes.
In this book Frank is working as a bus driver (to make ends meet, since his detective work is not doing very well) but then things take a fast turn once he meets some very peculiar "people" (martians disguised as professional magicians). Suddenly he finds himself involved on some interplanetary conspiracy that gets crazier and crazier. I don't want to spoil it too much, so let's leave it at that.
Absolutely recommended and makes me want to watch all Swartwelder simpsons episodes.
One of the best books I ever read.
This is absolutely incredible.
I have always been intrigued by John Swartzelder, the mysterious writer from the golden age of The Simpsons.
For those who are not aware, John is considered by many to be one of the best tv comedy writers of all time, based on his legendary period working on the early years of The Simpsons. He has written 59 of the earlier season episodes, more than any other writer of the show.
Anyway, the reason I am intrigued by John is that I read a lot of stories about him being a reclusive person, who did not like to appear publicly, refused interviews (the first interview he ever gave was on 2021) and just wanted to be alone on his own enjoying what he likes. Since I am always interested in learning about people who stand outside the norm and once I learned that he wrote a lot of comedy books after his retreat, I decided that one day I would read them to see if those are good.
Boy, was I blown away by this! Every chapter brought me tons of laughter. His surreal comedy hits me right on the spot, with some quite sharp social critique (although in some very suble ways). Books like this one remind me that we humans are capable of such great art and that there is always something to laugh about on all aspects of life.
As for the plot, this books is about detective Frank Burly, an incompetent detective that is very self-aware about his competence but he still tries his best. It is very funny to see how people react to his shenanigans and the fact that this books is narrated from a first-person perspective where we have access to his thoughts makes it possible to have so many great jokes.
In this book Frank is working as a bus driver (to make ends meet, since his detective work is not doing very well) but then things take a fast turn once he meets some very peculiar "people" (martians disguised as professional magicians). Suddenly he finds himself involved on some interplanetary conspiracy that gets crazier and crazier. I don't want to spoil it too much, so let's leave it at that.
Absolutely recommended and makes me want to watch all Swartwelder simpsons episodes.
One of the best books I ever read.
September 28, 2024
“ ‘Frank Burly Investigations. No, Mr. Burly isn’t here right now. Probably sleeping it off somewhere… uh huh… but you don’t want him anyway. He’s a lousy detective… no, worse than them… I know it doesn’t seem possible, but… Hey, listen Mister, I used to work for the Three Stooges, and I’m telling you this guy is worse… You want my advice? Hire a good detective. The good ones don’t cost any more.’ She hung up the phone and looked at me.
I shook my head. ‘I’m afraid you won’t do.’
I had been auditioning new secretaries. This one, I felt, was too honest. She disagreed.
‘My mother taught me that honesty was the best policy.’
‘Your mother’s fired too.’”
——
More adventures of Frank Burley, P.I., blundering from one zany adventure to the next, this time getting kidnapped and brainwashed by Martians. One more great part:
——
“The third member of The Council, a gaunt aged man with a long white beard, whose name sounded like it was ‘Stinky,’ held up the camera that had been found in my pants pocket.
‘You have been taking photographs of our most top secret parks, statues, stray dogs, and delivery trucks. With this…’ He squinted his eyes to read the brand name. ‘SpyMaster 3000. Why should we not treat you as a spy?’
‘Spies aren’t the only people who take pictures. Saboteurs do it too. And perverts!’ I tried to think of other people who took pictures, but couldn’t think of any more. ‘Everybody does it!’”
I shook my head. ‘I’m afraid you won’t do.’
I had been auditioning new secretaries. This one, I felt, was too honest. She disagreed.
‘My mother taught me that honesty was the best policy.’
‘Your mother’s fired too.’”
——
More adventures of Frank Burley, P.I., blundering from one zany adventure to the next, this time getting kidnapped and brainwashed by Martians. One more great part:
——
“The third member of The Council, a gaunt aged man with a long white beard, whose name sounded like it was ‘Stinky,’ held up the camera that had been found in my pants pocket.
‘You have been taking photographs of our most top secret parks, statues, stray dogs, and delivery trucks. With this…’ He squinted his eyes to read the brand name. ‘SpyMaster 3000. Why should we not treat you as a spy?’
‘Spies aren’t the only people who take pictures. Saboteurs do it too. And perverts!’ I tried to think of other people who took pictures, but couldn’t think of any more. ‘Everybody does it!’”
August 25, 2017
swartzwelder gives us more pure comedy with a completely stakesless take on a martian invasion of earth, headed up by brainwashed detective hero frank burly. swartzwelder was the most prolific writer on the Simpsons, writing 59 episodes (which it says right on the cover of the book) and the book is TV paced: like 30 rock or other transcendent modern television comedies, the pace of jokes is near impossible to keep up with; every sentence has a punchline. which is good, because plot-wise, there's not much going on here. frank burly is kidnapped by martians, brainwashed, leads an invasion of earth, is imprisoned by the martians, is freed by the earth resistance and leads that resistance to take back the planet from its martian invaders. which actually sounds like A LOT of plot now that I've written it out; but it never seems that much because each expository moment takes a backseat to the joke that that moment is setting up.
July 2, 2021
Wow, even better than the first one. I laughed quite a lot reading this hilarious combo of an alien invasion of Earth mashed together with a hard-boiled detective novel. Although I think just categorizing it as a sendup isn't doing it justice; while it uses the Martians, flying saucers, ray guns, etc as a base from which to begin (just as the first one used time machines), it doesn't have a problem with going all over the place in a somewhat unpredictable fashion, but it doesn't matter because you have fun no matter where it goes. They're short but a great breather between bigger books, and I'll continue on for a while.
September 8, 2021
Read an interview with him and, shortly after, found this in a used book store. As the cover notes, he wrote 59 episodes of The Simpsons, one of my favorite TV comedies of all time. This book was a quick read and very funny.
February 15, 2024
I've never read anything quite like the Frank Burly series. Joke after joke after joke. I liked The Time Machine Did It a little more than How I Conquered Your Planet, but both are fantastic, and I can't wait to keep reading the rest of the series. Swartzwelder is a genius.
December 29, 2017
See my review of "The Time Machine Did It."
November 21, 2018
Not as good as the first book but funny nonetheless. 👍
October 20, 2019
This book is light, silly reading but darn it if it didn’t make me laugh. Lots of clever jokes disguised as mindlessness. Very entertaining.
November 20, 2019
This has no right being as funny as it is.
April 10, 2020
Funny!!!
Frank Burly is the best detective in town. Can't wait to read the next book in the series. Hilarious! Read it dummy
Frank Burly is the best detective in town. Can't wait to read the next book in the series. Hilarious! Read it dummy
July 4, 2020
Laughed out loud several times. A joke every paragraph, with well constructed call backs and jokes that build on each other. Definitely reading more in this series.
August 8, 2020
I laughed, I cried. Just kidding. I laughed only.
Pretty funny stuff if you like absurdity - which I do. Here are nine more words as required to post.
Pretty funny stuff if you like absurdity - which I do. Here are nine more words as required to post.
October 3, 2021
actually funny
November 26, 2022
Very fun, it's a writing style that I really appreciate and I'm definitely check out Frank Burly's other adventures.
3.5/5.
3.5/5.
May 1, 2023
Consider this a step up from the first Burly book, lots of great lines. In general, it’s tough to rest the humor so heavily on one character who’s so stupid. Still done well
August 18, 2023
Swartzwelder does it again. I don’t know how he keeps you laughing the whole way through so easily. But he is a master at it. I hope they never end.
October 23, 2023
Very funny. One of my favorite authors.
December 31, 2023
Another funny Frank Burly novel. Not as good as the first one, for my money, but still frequently grin-inducing.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews