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If You Met My Family, You'd Understand: A Family Systems Primer
Who makes you anxious? A family member, boss or co-worker? A member of your church?
You can't change them. But you can change yourself.
Understanding your family of origin is the first step.
Read this book and you will:
Understand the principles that govern how families function.
Learn how to take responsibility for yourself and no one else.
Learn how you can be a non-anxious presence in your family, workplace and congregation.
If You Met My Family, You'd Understand takes a complicated subject, family systems theory, and makes it easy to understand. It will teach you how your family of origin influences your thoughts and actions, and how awareness and intentionality can help you to find new, more healthy ways of being.
You can't change them. But you can change yourself.
Understanding your family of origin is the first step.
Read this book and you will:
Understand the principles that govern how families function.
Learn how to take responsibility for yourself and no one else.
Learn how you can be a non-anxious presence in your family, workplace and congregation.
If You Met My Family, You'd Understand takes a complicated subject, family systems theory, and makes it easy to understand. It will teach you how your family of origin influences your thoughts and actions, and how awareness and intentionality can help you to find new, more healthy ways of being.
114 pages, Paperback
Published March 20, 2020
About the author
Jack Shitama
5 books2 followersJack Shitama has been leading change in ministry settings since 1991. He has led growth in small churches. He guided the transformation of a professional association. He proposed and executed a plan for the sale and replacement of a beloved denominational institution. Jack is an ordained United Methodist minister and the founding Minister-in-Residence of the Center for Clergy Excellence in Centreville, MD. Jack and his wife, Jodi, have four adult children and one grandchild. They live with no kids and no pets on Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
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April 16, 2024This is a helpful, bite-sized introduction into family systems theory. I particularly appreciated how weaved in story to explain this theory and the questions at the end of each chapter that encouraged personal application.
March 13, 2025
This is a great resource for understanding family systems, and then also applies in all relationships. And it helps you know what YOU can do and acknowledges that it’s hard, you will feel anxious but you can still do it.
January 14, 2021
“pushing someone you love in the direction you most fear”
I’ll be thinking about that one for a bit. shout out to Rach for this one!
I’ll be thinking about that one for a bit. shout out to Rach for this one!
November 5, 2026
Some of it was over my head, but the things that landed I'll chew on for a long while. His friendly tone is so appreciated.
"You won't always understand everything you learn. You won't be able to assign value to everything you hear." - just trying to multiply the grace for my families!!!
"You won't always understand everything you learn. You won't be able to assign value to everything you hear." - just trying to multiply the grace for my families!!!
January 5, 2025
Criticism first: this book needed a better editor. Also his examples are often not sufficiently illustrative of his finer points.
However: this quick little book is incredibly helpful in illuminating cyclical habits in families and giving language to understand them. We've already recommended it to many friends.
However: this quick little book is incredibly helpful in illuminating cyclical habits in families and giving language to understand them. We've already recommended it to many friends.
November 5, 2021
Jack Shitama's books (and podcast) have altered and improved my goals and perspectives, in all of my relationships, and in my service as a pastor. I highly recommend this book for anyone who is seeking a foundational understanding of the role of emotional intelligence and healthy differentiation in their relationships, and especially would like to sharpen their leadership skills.
November 9, 2026
you met my family, you’d understand
a family systems primer
book notes
* A challenge is something difficult a situation that needs to be addressed or things could get worse. A problem is a challenge that causes so much anxiety that it becomes too difficult to handle.
* Self differentiation manifests itself in the ability to be a non-anxious presence
* A non-anxious presence is self differentiated. She knows what she believes, but doesn’t require others to agree with her.
* All change is loss
* Focus on encouraging strength and others not comforting their weakness
* If we take away consequences for people‘s behavior, for example, driving your kids to school and they miss the bus, they miss out on the consequences and failed to change
* To the extent, a family rushes to replace loss its pain will be lessened, but so will the potential for change that the loss made possible
* All families are dysfunctional
* A triangle occurs when two people become uncomfortable in their relationship, and they focus on another person or issue to stabilize it
* A triangle does not have to include two people, for example, work one person working long hours and one person complaining about the long hours can take the place of focusing on the problems of the relationship
* You can’t change a relationship to what you don’t belong
* When you try to change the relationship of the other two sides of the triangle, it will only strengthen the triangle
* The only way to break the triangle is to step out of the triangle
* The best way to avoid a triangle is to take responsibility for yourself and nobody else
* Ask yourself, what is the emotional process that is going on when talking with other others
* Too much emotional distance creates anxiety in the system
* Patterns of conflict, create anxiety, driven regression instead of self differentiating people seek to relieve the anxiety of the movement by fighting triangulating or adapting
* The goal of any self differentiated person in any system is to take responsibility for oneself and no one else
* Arguing content with someone who is not taking responsibility for self will give them the argument they’re looking for and will only enable them to continue the avoidance
* The important thing about understanding that it’s processed, not content is to realize that emotionality needs emotionality to persist
* If you get defensive or argumentative, this will maintain the level of anxiety and enable it to continue
* We will pass on what we know
* Systems get stuck because dependent people make demands and we when we are unable to self differentiate comply with their demands
* Reactivity is defined as the tendency of the organism to respond to perceived threat or the anxiety of others. It is more pronounced at lower level levels of self differentiation.
* The best way to handle an anxious attack by another is to not argue to not agree, listening, accomplishes this
a family systems primer
book notes
* A challenge is something difficult a situation that needs to be addressed or things could get worse. A problem is a challenge that causes so much anxiety that it becomes too difficult to handle.
* Self differentiation manifests itself in the ability to be a non-anxious presence
* A non-anxious presence is self differentiated. She knows what she believes, but doesn’t require others to agree with her.
* All change is loss
* Focus on encouraging strength and others not comforting their weakness
* If we take away consequences for people‘s behavior, for example, driving your kids to school and they miss the bus, they miss out on the consequences and failed to change
* To the extent, a family rushes to replace loss its pain will be lessened, but so will the potential for change that the loss made possible
* All families are dysfunctional
* A triangle occurs when two people become uncomfortable in their relationship, and they focus on another person or issue to stabilize it
* A triangle does not have to include two people, for example, work one person working long hours and one person complaining about the long hours can take the place of focusing on the problems of the relationship
* You can’t change a relationship to what you don’t belong
* When you try to change the relationship of the other two sides of the triangle, it will only strengthen the triangle
* The only way to break the triangle is to step out of the triangle
* The best way to avoid a triangle is to take responsibility for yourself and nobody else
* Ask yourself, what is the emotional process that is going on when talking with other others
* Too much emotional distance creates anxiety in the system
* Patterns of conflict, create anxiety, driven regression instead of self differentiating people seek to relieve the anxiety of the movement by fighting triangulating or adapting
* The goal of any self differentiated person in any system is to take responsibility for oneself and no one else
* Arguing content with someone who is not taking responsibility for self will give them the argument they’re looking for and will only enable them to continue the avoidance
* The important thing about understanding that it’s processed, not content is to realize that emotionality needs emotionality to persist
* If you get defensive or argumentative, this will maintain the level of anxiety and enable it to continue
* We will pass on what we know
* Systems get stuck because dependent people make demands and we when we are unable to self differentiate comply with their demands
* Reactivity is defined as the tendency of the organism to respond to perceived threat or the anxiety of others. It is more pronounced at lower level levels of self differentiation.
* The best way to handle an anxious attack by another is to not argue to not agree, listening, accomplishes this
March 3, 2022
I really enjoyed this book as a pastoral counselor and have already used self-differentiating in work with clients. A small, but mighty book! Jack did a great job making Family Systems very easy to understand. It was a bonus to find out this author is a MD resident, and lives not too far from myself! Looking forward to checking out his other works including, “Anxious Church, Anxious People: How to Lead Change in an Age of Anxiety.”
November 7, 2025
Understandable Explanation of Family Systems
This book by Jack Shitama explains core concepts from Bowen Family Systems Theory in an easy to understand way. The writing style flows nicely and is enjoyable to read. You will gain helpful insights in relational dynamics you learned as a child and how to begin increasing your awareness of the dynamics of self and others. If you have little experience in Family systems, this is a perfect start.
This book by Jack Shitama explains core concepts from Bowen Family Systems Theory in an easy to understand way. The writing style flows nicely and is enjoyable to read. You will gain helpful insights in relational dynamics you learned as a child and how to begin increasing your awareness of the dynamics of self and others. If you have little experience in Family systems, this is a perfect start.
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May 16, 2020I’m a fan of Jack Shitama, and appreciate the work he does in the camping world, church world, and family spheres! This was a great jumping off point for me as an intro into family systems theory, and has some great tips in managing your own anxious presence in your family and other relationships.
October 29, 2026
Hi friends - I've moved from Goodreads to Readwise Books. It's great so far.
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use code: BKTHR
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Join me in my new favorite book app! Readwise Books is an invite-only reading community, and this link is your invite.
use code: BKTHR
https://readwise.io/books/invite/BKTHR
May 11, 2020
Jack Shitama makes family systems very accessible. I would recommend this to anyone in complicated family or complicated congregation.
January 13, 2023
Per my therapists recommendation
April 20, 2023
Excellent and accessible primer on systems theory
June 1, 2025
Good intro to family systems.
July 1, 2025
Great book!!! Very short but with so much content in it. Highly recommend to everyone. This was my introduction to the family systems theory and I definitely want to continue looking into it.
November 8, 2025
I find Family Systems Theory very helpful and wish more was written in this topic. This book was very easy to read and explained the theory very well.
June 17, 2026
Too much insider language for a primer. I still do not understand much of it.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews